The Grief Nobody Recognizes - The Loss That Comes With Aging

[00:00:28]Do you know something people don't talk about enough.

[00:00:32]Getting older comes with grief.

[00:00:36]Different kind of grief. Like I said many times, there are lots of different kinds of grief.

[00:00:44]But the getting older part, it's not because life's over, not because there isn't still beautiful things for you ahead.

[00:00:57]Not because wisdom isn't growing. I mean, I am so much wiser than I was when I was young younger. I mean, for sure.

[00:01:05]And I think back on that girl and thank God that I made it through a lot of the crazy things that I used to do.

[00:01:16]But but it it's really because aging quietly asks people to let go of versions of themselves over and over again.

[00:01:38]But honestly, I think many people are carrying grief they haven't even fully named yet.

[00:01:49]Right?

[00:01:52]The grief of realizing times moving so much faster now. Remember when you were a little kid and you couldn't wait to turn 16 and get your driver's license?

[00:02:04]And then you couldn't wait to turn 18 and get the hell out of the house. You know what we all used to say? And then 21, so you were legal and um able to go to a bar and have a beer if you wanted to.

[00:02:24]Things go by so much quicker.

[00:02:27]And then we have the grief of watching our parents age, right?

[00:02:34]And then being there when they pass away or having to live without them and create a whole new life that's different without those people that you always knew loved you unconditionally and never ever wanted to see you in pain.

[00:02:57]There's and there's grief in the your body changing.

[00:03:01]Really, there's grief in that. Like, what happened? Like, seriously, I I I do this all the time. It's your body every day. I'm like, Jesus.

[00:03:14]Like, you look in the mirror and you're like, what?

[00:03:20]Oh, and your energy. Let's not forget your energy. You just don't have the energy to do the things you used to do.

[00:03:26]You don't have you can't stay as long.

[00:03:29]You got to get to bed earlier or like me. I'm a night owl, but I I got to sleep in later than I normally would. I used to be able to get up and go, even though I went to bed at 4, I'd be able to get up and and go by 9 10:00. Now I'm like, I I need more sleep. And the sleep isn't quality sleep. another podcast, but that you know, you're you're just sleeping hopefully or resting and then you start to worry about your memories. I just had this happen literally today. I could not think of a word. I was on the phone with my daughter and um I'm like, "You know those things you put up in the garage, you know, um those things in the garage uh that you stack stuff on?" My my daughter's like, "Shelves." And I'm like, "Yes, shelves." That's it. I couldn't think of the word shelves.

[00:04:26]Anyway, anyway, your memories your your memories start to change and you start to be like, "Gh, what's happening?"

[00:04:35]Your friendships change. They grow.

[00:04:38]They're there for a time. They change and and maybe you maybe they break down.

[00:04:45]So, there's that.

[00:04:47]Um, you feel less noticed, you know, like you just don't feel like people are paying as much attention to you as they did 20 years ago or or more or less.

[00:05:05]Yeah. Last year, it depends on how old you are.

[00:05:09]You feel a little bit less needed and a little less seen. And those are all absolutely types of grief that you go through go to and through as you're aging.

[00:05:26]See my brain? Um, and a lot of people, most people in fact, are carrying that silently while pretending they're fine. They're absolutely fine.

[00:05:44]and they're not fine because deep down something inside them keeps whispering where did the years go?

[00:05:54]And so often you find that you've give me one second here. I I didn't have my phone on silent. I had to put my phone on silent. Anyway, um it would be embarrassing. Somebody called me right now. Anyway, um where did the years go?

[00:06:23]If you if you if that feeling has been sitting in your chest lately, stay with me tonight. All right? because I'm going to get to some things that are going to show how normal you are and how much you are just part of your age group. And no matter what that is, I tell I'm like telling people all the time, I'm I'm hitting a big number next month and I'm um Oh, type in the comments, guess how old I am. It's kind of like how much do you weigh? Don't don't don't do that because you'll hurt my feelings.

[00:07:01]Anyway, um but seriously, big number.

[00:07:06]So, um I want you to I want you to stay with me for this podcast and I'll move it along.

[00:07:16]I promise. I just when I started I have to, you know, whatever. Anyway, I am Lisa Tarvis. Hi, everyone. And I help people make sense out of what they're feeling so they can actually feel better.

[00:07:31]That's what I do. That's my job. That's what my business is about.

[00:07:37]And you are listening to Real Talk for Your Overthinking Mind with Lisa Tarvis.

[00:07:44]That's me. And um it can be my podcast is new, but it can be found everywhere.

[00:07:51]podcast can be found and on YouTube with the video and on podcast with video if you have video. If not, you get voice.

[00:08:00]I'm much more um animated I would guess to that would be a good word on camera than my voice is. But so that's tonight.

[00:08:09]Tonight, tonight I think is a really good time to to talk about something deeply human and that's rarely discussed honestly.

[00:08:21]Rarely discussed honestly. All right.

[00:08:25]The hidden grief of getting older.

[00:08:29]Not from we're not doing this from a place of fear, not from hopelessness or anything of the sort. We are keeping this positive.

[00:08:37]But it is the truth. It is your truth.

[00:08:40]If you suffer, if you have this going on with you, if you have this, oh my gosh, I can't believe I'm going to be whatever number. And some of you guys are such babies out there. You don't even know how young you are. But let me tell you, time does only get move faster as the older you get. Like, it does not slow down. Like, I always thought maybe after my kids were grown that time would slow down, you know? No. No. Their childhoods went by like that. and their teenage years went by like that and they're um in their late 20s, early 30s now and it's gone by like that in an instant.

[00:09:21]So I want to talk about this from the truth and the truth is it's not just physical.

[00:09:31]It's not just the physical stuff you see and your memory not, you know, your li your memory having little brain parts here and there and all of that. It's emotional. It's psychological. It's it's existential.

[00:09:47]It's relational.

[00:09:52]And so many people are experiencing experiencing quiet emotional grief all around aging without understanding that grief is exactly what they're feeling. They don't connect that this is grief that you're you're mourning something.

[00:10:13]you're mourning the way it used to be or the way you used to feel or whatever because no one prepared us for the emotional side of getting older. I think sometimes we went from thinking, okay, we're going to be young, young, young, young young, young young, and then we're going to be um middle-aged and then we're going to be old. But there are so many layers in in the middle of that that it's absolutely um not that simple.

[00:10:42]So at some point most people have a moment when they suddenly start things start feeling different for them, right?

[00:10:51]Years stop feeling long.

[00:10:57]You blink and somehow another another season's passed. I go through this every summer the last few years. Like I love spring and summer and I dread September because September is just the start of the seasons changing back into everything dying. The trees I mean they're just going dormant. I know, but still it like bothers me like everything's blooming and alive right now and um when it's when it's when it's spring and summer, but then it all just gets dark and icky and time changes and we have to go back to that horribleness of um the sun setting at 4:30 and all of that. But so I feel it very strongly this time of year because I'm I start feeling like, oh, it's going to go by fast. Enjoy it.

[00:11:49]Enjoy it. Enjoy it. Because you know that because you've experienced it, because you've seen it, how fast it can go by.

[00:11:56]So, another season's passed, another birthday's passed, another holiday passed.

[00:12:02]And honestly, that realization can actually feel emotionally unsettling, especially when internally many people still feel much younger than the number that's attached to their age, the number that's attached to them.

[00:12:22]I feel much younger than I am and I hope that continues forever, you know. And there are people that hit 40 and they feel like they're 90, you know. So, everybody's different, but a lot of it's attitude. A lot of it's your what the way you process it and the way you think about it. And and whether you think of it as like a cup half empty or half full kind of thing. You know, I'm a half full person, but if you're a half empty person, this is probably even more of a struggle for you. Um so that disconnect between the realization feeling emotionally unsettling and internally feeling much younger than your number is. Um that disconnects that that that surprises people. That disconnect surprises people. So your inner self often still feels familiar while your outer life keeps changing all around you.

[00:13:34]And suddenly you start realizing, God, how fast my children grew up.

[00:13:42]How long ago this memory that I just thought of, how long ago that actually was, right? Mind-blowing.

[00:13:53]how much of your life has already happened and how many chapters are behind you now.

[00:14:02]And for some people that realization creates deep time anxiety. I'm going to call it time anxiety.

[00:14:14]It's not panic. I don't think people panic about it. I think it's just a little bit of an anxiety. Um it's an awareness for sure and awareness that life is not not infinitely gonna go on you know um that time matters that you can't freeze time you can't freeze yourself you can't you know like nothing stays frozen not forever and um and I can't tell you how many times I've wanted to freeze time.

[00:14:50]It's a big one for me like I don't want to I don't want this moment to stop. You know, the the awareness though that you start to feel that you a you're aware that you're not going to live forever, but you're still alive. Now, that awareness can start to change people.

[00:15:18]So, I would say this one uh people really talk about openly because I think sometimes getting older means actually grieving versions of yourself that no longer exist.

[00:15:35]Whether it's your lifestyle, whether it's your um the people in your life, whatever it whether it's the younger version who had more energy, the version who hadn't experienced certain losses yet, you know, the version who still believed certain things were going to happen, that still had those crazy dreams that I can do this, I can do this.

[00:16:05]I'm going to make this happen.

[00:16:08]The version of you that felt hopeful, very hopeful all the time, just hopeful.

[00:16:19]And the the feeling more desired, feeling more confident, more physically comfortable, more emotionally carefree.

[00:16:29]All right.

[00:16:32]Those are all things that as you age, you grieve.

[00:16:36]And when people lose th those versions of themselves, there's the grief. There it is right there in your face. Even if your life is still really good, even if everything's going great, even if you're so grateful for everything you have and who you are now, people can feel gratitude and grief at the same time.

[00:17:00]They coexist together.

[00:17:03]That's important because people, many people, many people shame themselves for missing who they used to be.

[00:17:13]But honestly, that's human. That's a very human characteristic and a very human trait. You're allowed to miss parts of your yourself that felt easier to carry.

[00:17:27]You're allowed to miss those parts.

[00:17:31]So, this one, this is one like I always do this kind of in sections, but this section is the one that I talked about earlier, watching your parents get older.

[00:17:43]I um don't even feel like I had the opportunity to watch them get much older, but I did see it along the time with my parents, you know. Um my mom died at 68 after knee replacement surgery. Uh just single knee replacement surgery and um got a blood clot and that was that. My dad died of pancreatic cancer. He had just turned 80. Um but it was a horrible death.

[00:18:12]And there is no way that when you lose your parents, it doesn't change you because it does. And you should expect that. And you should be prepared for it if it hasn't happened yet because you're supposed to outlive your parents, right? They're not supposed to outlive you. So that's the natural state of things, right? There's something though that's very emotionally disorienting about realizing your parents are aging.

[00:18:44]Especially if somewhere inside part of you still feels like a child, you know, you still feel like a kid that needs somebody need needs taken care of.

[00:18:56]Especially if if well especially watching them and I used to do this with with my parents when they eat. It was a just just gave me because they eat differently and but they start to move slower. They start to forget things. They need more help, right? Just getting around. They get sick.

[00:19:21]They get fragile. They become fragile now when they used to be the rocks, right? They're your mom and your dad.

[00:19:30]They were they were they were they were everything. They were solid. They were what you what you have.

[00:19:36]And and and then when they start depending on you emotionally, that can be hard on several levels.

[00:19:45]For many people, that shift feels very surreal.

[00:19:51]And honestly, I think it's because the people who once felt permanent, like they were always going to be there, suddenly feel vulnerable.

[00:20:06]A lot of adults walk around carrying anticipatory grief about this every single day.

[00:20:14]really the fear of losing their parents, the fear of becoming the older generation, the fear of life changing forever afterwards.

[00:20:28]Even thinking about it, even thinking about it can can create a lot of sadness people don't know how to explain, right? They're they feel sad and their parents can still be here, but they feel sad at the idea of their aging because some grief begins long before loss actually happens.

[00:20:56]So when I mentioned the body changing, right, nobody really prepares people emotionally for body grief either.

[00:21:08]And I think many people feel guilty admitting this, but body changes can affect identity deeply. Not just your appearance, your identity.

[00:21:22]You look in the mirror and look, I've always been someone who cared about the way I came across to other people. um appearance-wise, one one of them, but that was just one of them. There were many ways that I cared about that. But now, you you might look in the mirror like I do and notice your skin's a little different. Your energy is different. Like we talked about before, pain exists where there was no pain before.

[00:21:55]Exhaustion, hormonal changes, weight changes, been through that. went up, got back down. Now I'm actually really good. But like you can gain weight and not be able to lose it.

[00:22:16]Mostly because of the hormone, your hormonal changes, but for many reasons.

[00:22:23]Recovering from something takes longer.

[00:22:28]your memory shifts like we talked about and you start to have physical limitations.

[00:22:34]You know something you would have done I would have totally jumped over that fence, you know, 20 years ago and now you're like, "Oh no, I'm not going near that fence. That looks scary." You know, I don't want to get a splinter. I don't know. Like you you really actually just start noticing that you're just things become bigger.

[00:22:56]you get a little paper cut and it's like ow. And and it feels like it takes forever to heal now when it used to be a a couple minute problem, you know, and for some people those changes quietly shake their actual sense of self, especially in a world obsessed with youth, because that's the world we're living in.

[00:23:21]Whether people admit it or not, many people fear becoming invisible as they age. And honestly, that fear isn't shallow. It's emotional.

[00:23:35]It's an emotional fear. And you know, in a world where everybody is so focused on being young and what the young people are doing, they begin to feel like they're not being seen, not being valued, not being attractive, not being relevant, never going to be remembered, not emotionally significant anymore in anyone's life. And when society starts subtly treating subtly treating people differently as they age, it can really hurt much more deep than people actually talk about.

[00:24:23]Now, I got to go on to this one. And I know I've done podcasts on this before and a bunch of um videos on it as well as the podcast, but um fear of memory loss. Man, that's a big one for me.

[00:24:40]Many people are quietly terrified, terrified of cognitive changes and cognitive decline.

[00:24:48]They forget a word, walk into a room and forget why.

[00:24:54]They lose focus.

[00:24:56]That's totally me these days. They misplace something.

[00:25:01]And immediately fear starts whispering.

[00:25:04]What if something is wrong with me?

[00:25:08]What if something is wrong with me? And immediately while this is happening, being honest, part of what makes this fear so intense is that memory feels connected to identity.

[00:25:31]And honestly, part of what makes this fear so intense is that memory feels connected to identity.

[00:25:40]I know I repeated that, but I'm going to say it again.

[00:25:44]Part of what makes this fear so intense is that memory feels connected to identity. That's who you are, what what your mind thinks, what your what's going on with your mind. Um the lapses in in memory and all of that can freak us out and we immediately feel that our identity is changing.

[00:26:14]People fear losing themselves. People fear losing losing their independence, right? They fear they fear losing their independence, their clarity of course.

[00:26:27]their connection to life, right? And many people carry these fears silently because they they don't want to talk about it because they don't want to sound dramatic, right? They don't want to sound like they're being dramatic, especially to like your own kids and and your own other people your age that may be handling it a little differently.

[00:26:51]But it's not dramatic. You're not being dramatic. They're not being dramatic.

[00:26:55]They're these are actually deep human fears especially as parents as people watch their parents and loved ones age cognitively as well as physically.

[00:27:13]Okay.

[00:27:16]So this next session I section I'm going to talk about that fear that that loneliness I would say of feeling invisible because I think my last podcast was about loneliness. If it wasn't last one, it was the one right before that. I I don't remember numbers or maybe it was just a video. I don't know. I do so much recording I can't keep up with myself anymore. Um this part hurts quietly for many people especially as they age.

[00:27:52]Sometimes people begin noticing fewer compliments, you know, fewer invitations, less attention, um feeling overlooked or emotionally forgotten, feeling like younger people are more valued than they are as they age. And even if someone logically understands aging, emotionally it can still sting, right?

[00:28:22]Still stings me and I know what's going on. But it still stings because human beings want and need to feel visible emotionally.

[00:28:37]They want to feel wanted. They want to feel interesting. They want to feel important. They want to feel connected.

[00:28:47]Right? They want to feel connected. So when people stop feeling emotionally reflected back, when they they stop feeling emotionally reflected back by the world around them, that loneliness runs very deep.

[00:29:04]It's just another type of loneliness.

[00:29:06]Just another type of grief, right?

[00:29:08]Loneliness is a type of grief, too.

[00:29:13]And as people get older, many people start reflecting on um life differently, right? They start thinking about it differently.

[00:29:24]And that reflection can bring grief too.

[00:29:28]People think about relationships that ended, dreams that they never pursued, years spent surviving, just surviving.

[00:29:39]Time lost to anxiety, time lost to depression, opportunities that they missed out on that could have led them down a whole different path.

[00:29:55]the ways they abandon themselves. This is what our minds are doing to us. This is what we're thinking about even subconsciously as we're getting older.

[00:30:10]And it's hard.

[00:30:15]It all comes down to feeling like life passed and they were overwhelmed through the entire process, right? So like life life happened and they missed out on life because they were so anxious just getting through it.

[00:30:34]And regret can become emotionally heavy if people don't process it correctly and gently. The correct way to process it is gentleness.

[00:30:44]Right? Because people secretly wonder did I waste too much time? Right? Did I spend too much time in that relationship? Did I spend too much time at that job? Did I spend too much time with this obsession or hobby or whatever?

[00:31:00]Did I miss my chance?

[00:31:04]Is it too late for me now?

[00:31:10]Those thoughts are incredibly common and honestly they deserve compassion, not shame.

[00:31:21]And I think one of the hardest things about aging grief, aging grief being its own thing, is that people often feel like they're not allowed to talk about it.

[00:31:34]They think, "I should just be great. I should just be grateful."

[00:31:39]Everybody gets older.

[00:31:43]Or it could be worse.

[00:31:45]My situation could be much worse.

[00:31:49]And yes, gratitude does matter, but suppressing grief does not heal it at all. People need room to emotionally process change because aging involves constant change, right? You're changing all the time as you're aging. People need need room to to allow the grief that they're feeling. Even if it's even the changes that are beautiful, they don't have to be negative changes. They can be beautiful changes. Maybe you just moved to a beach somewhere and that's your dream you've always wanted to do.

[00:32:33]Maybe um maybe you know you hit the lottery and or or your retirement is perfect and you have you can live the way you've always wanted to. Maybe your responsibilities are a little less because your kids are older. You know, you can have all of that and those can be beautiful changes and most people don't need constant reassurance that aging is fine, right?

[00:32:59]They don't need that. They need emotional honesty.

[00:33:03]Right? They need permission to say, "This is hard. Sometimes I miss parts of my old life.

[00:33:14]I'm scared. Sometimes with aging comes a lot of fear.

[00:33:20]I don't know who I'm becoming.

[00:33:24]I feel emotional watching time move this fast."

[00:33:30]And honestly, those conversations can become deeper and deeper over time, but they also can become deeply healing.

[00:33:46]People don't stop feeling alone in their experience. And sometimes powerful hap power something powerful will happen when people actually realize I'm not broken for feeling this way. I'm human.

[00:34:02]Not broken. Human.

[00:34:05]So if getting older has been bringing up emotions lately like it has for me. I really want you to hear this tonight.

[00:34:13]This is important. This is why I wanted you to stay to the end. There is nothing wrong with you for grieving change.

[00:34:23]There is nothing weak about feeling emotional, watching life move so quickly.

[00:34:29]And there is nothing selfish about wanting to still feel seen, to feel valued, to feel connected, to feel alive, to be feel emotionally important, right? You are still becoming You are still becoming even now. Doesn't matter what your what the number people attach to you is. It doesn't matter. It's just that's an attached number, right? Even now, how you feel, you are still becoming.

[00:35:07]And honestly, some of the deepest wisdom, tenderness, self-awareness, emotional intelligence, and authentic connection people ever experience comes in later life.

[00:35:20]Absolutely. Comes later in life. Not earlier. Not earlier when you look better and felt better and had less aches and pains, but now.

[00:35:32]So maybe tonight instead of criticizing yourself for feeling emotional about aging because I'm going to do this, you simply acknowledge something much gentler.

[00:35:44]Life is changing and part of me is grieving that and that's okay.

[00:35:54]Life is changing and part of me is grieving that and that's okay.

[00:36:02]Because naming grief sometimes softens it, right? Putting a name on it sometimes softens it. And if this conversation touched something inside you tonight, I hope it helped you feel a little less alone in what you've been carrying around with you.

[00:36:22]Again, I'm Lisa Tarvis and you're listening to Real Talk for your overthinking mind.

[00:36:32]episode 11 maybe. I don't I don't know.

[00:36:36]I don't remember.

[00:36:38]Anyway, um I'm Lisa Jarvis and let me tell you something. You do not have to figure all of this out on your own.

[00:36:49]Take a breath. Take a deep breath in and out.

[00:37:05]You're doing better than you think you are.

[00:37:12]And if your mind starts getting loud again later, you know where to find me.

[00:37:21]lisatarvis.com.

[00:37:23]Lisa lisatarvis.com social media lis tarvis except Facebook which I don't want to talk about because I've talked about it before and they made me mad but I'm there I'm still there just not under at least a taris because somebody hacked my account probably somebody very young hacked my account anyway so if your mind gets louder I'm here reach out I'm here for and I will talk to all of you on the next episode. Thanks so much for listening and watching.