MARRIED BUT CHOOSING TO LIVE APART | LIVING APART TOGETHER (LAT) RELATIONSHIPS

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[00:00:05]A lot of married women said that if they could do it over again, would live in separate homes.

[00:00:10]>> This lifestyle is more about having a deep connection with your partner and less about the physical proximity you guys have.

[00:00:16]>> There was actually a study that has been done on this in the Journal of Family Psychology. And what they found was that couples who live apart often report higher levels of happiness and less conflict compared to those who cohabitate.

[00:00:29]>> I was really shocked to see that, but honestly, it made so much sense.

[00:00:35]>> He has his own real career. I have my own real career. We also live in separate places.

[00:00:43]>> Men tend to be very messy and then treat you like you're their mother. You got to cook, clean, do all these things for them.

[00:00:50]>> Marriage has been around for a long time and times have changed and it's not the end of the world to find what works for you and make your own rules around your own love story.

[00:01:01]>> So, it's just interesting to see that because society tells us, you know, you need a, you know, live together and all these things when people are making it work.

[00:01:13]>> The man that I am married to, Senator Vincent Hughes, 7th Senatorial District of Philadelphia, he has his own life.

[00:01:24]I have my own life. He has his own real career. I have my own real career. He has his light to stand in.

[00:01:34]I have my light to stand in. So, he is not looking at me, thinking about status or this or that. He's doing his thing. I get to do my thing. We also live in separate places. When I go to see him, love to see him. When it's time to leave, bye-bye, see you soon. I'm telling you, life is good.

[00:01:58]Perfect. I get to be the real good wife.

[00:02:01]>> So, my parents have been together for 20 years, but they live in two separate houses.

[00:02:06]Uh that's what one of my friends told me the other day, and I was like, "Wait, what?"

[00:02:10]And she's like, "Yeah, you didn't know?"

[00:02:11]I'm like, "No, I had no idea." But that kind of sounds a little cool. Like imagine dating a guy for the rest of your life and just like dating, going on dates, and missing each other, seeing each other once, twice a week. I don't know. I don't think it's a bad deal.

[00:02:27]They live about 15 minutes away from each other.

[00:02:30]What else do they do? They have sleepovers.

[00:02:34]Uh they go on vacation. He contributes to her life financially, emotionally, physically, and so does she.

[00:02:41]And their kids are all grown.

[00:02:44]And that's just how they manage their relationship.

[00:02:48]A little backstory, they were married and living together, and then they decided to separate, and then they got back together that way, and they just kept it going. How? I don't know. I just I'm coming on here to see, and I did ask her if I could talk about this, but what do you guys think? Do you guys think that that's weird? Or, you know, if it works for them, let it be, cuz for me, I think it's cute.

[00:03:13]>> Last year, my husband and I decided to live apart together, and we did it for 8 months while living in New York City, and our relationship completely transformed in that time. We have now been living together for 6 months, and it has been a completely different experience than the first time we were living together. Few of the big key differences are that I never lived alone before having this experience, so I really got to learn who I am, what I like to do outside of being a wife, and he also got to rediscover his hobbies, pick up some new ones, and really have a life outside of our relationship.

[00:03:51]Of course, having more space has been extremely transformative for us and it's so nice having an extra room to have for activities, whether he wants to play his video games late at night or I want to paint and dance and whatever. And it has been amazing, but the biggest thing that has really helped is knowing that you should take that time away from each other to do those hobbies and things that ignite your soul and make you feel like you're a whole person outside of your relationship. And lastly, like living alone just really made me take a hard look at what I'm doing with my life and what I want my life to look like and what legacy and impact do we want to leave on the world together. And I'm so happy and proud to say that us living apart together really does feel like a story that can inspire people to try something different. It doesn't have to be this, it could be something else, but marriage has been around for a long time and times have changed and it's not the end of the world to find what works for you and make your own rules around your own love story because we're so quick to just say, "Hey, this isn't working. I'm not happy. Let's get a divorce." But then you can miss out on the greatest love story of your life if you just get through that hurdle and obstacle. And I just want to say that unhealed trauma can really affect your relationship with yourself, your partner, and the world around you. So, if you can tackle that, then it will really transform your entire life.

[00:05:24]>> Ladies, this is entirely possible. Watch this. Do you want to be single? No. Do you want to be married?

[00:05:31]No.

[00:05:32]Do I want a part-time boyfriend who isn't seeing anybody else and only does things when I want to, but otherwise kind of leaves me alone and doesn't make a mess of my house? Yeah, how do I know this is possible? I'm living it. I've been with my boyfriend for a coming up on 7 years in February and we are a committed couple who live apart and that is our choice. He lives about 15 minutes away from me. In November, he's moving 5 minutes away from me. We still have not decided to live together and that is both of our choice. Now, I've heard some people in videos like that say, "Oh, you're not fully committed." No, we are fully committed. We are completely involved in each other's lives. Our family functions are together. Our friend groups are together. We travel together. We travel with other people together. We vacation down at the shore with other families together. We are a committed and together couple. We just don't live together. And then other people will say, "Oh, you don't really have a boyfriend or a girlfriend. All you have is a situationship." Okay, please grow up. If you don't understand that people can afford and want their own living space after being married, I was married for 22 years, he was married for 22 years.

[00:06:51]Having your own space is amazing. Will I ever move in with him? I don't know. But for the past 7 years, I have loved living on my own more than I can articulate. I love when he comes over here. I love when we go out together. I love when we have our friends and family here.

[00:07:13]But he doesn't live here. And honestly, why would he want to live with me? Because I am very particular about the way my apartment looks and where everything goes. I think it would be difficult to live with me. But I love my space. And because I don't see him 24/7 or we're not seeing each other every single day, I'm always excited to see him. Because we're not sharing a space where I would get resentful of things not being clean or exactly the way that I want them, we have nothing to fight about. We have nothing to argue about. Our relationship, of course there are, you know, normal adult things that come up in relationships, but the piddly things that can really eat at you, we don't have them because we don't live together.

[00:07:58]And I'm always excited to see him.

[00:08:01]For me, for him, for us, for now, this is what works. And if that's what you want to do, you absolutely should do it. Please, give yourself the experience and the enjoyment and the absolute serenity of living on your own, living solo at least one point in your life.

[00:08:22]It's amazing.

[00:08:24]>> This is the one. This is the one when I tell them I never want to get married, they're fine with it. However, telling them I don't want to live with a man is where I see the shift in behavior.

[00:08:34]Facts. Facts. I've never wanted to live with a man, never. Every single one of my relationships was together living apart.

[00:08:43]I grew up as an only child. I've never had to share a goddamn thing. I have a routine. I have a schedule. I like to have my place be a certain way, and honestly, I do just kind of have these modes where it's like I'll have clutter for a little bit, and then I don't want to see clutter anymore for like a really, really long time. And I just like my space. Like honestly, I just like my space. I tend to not be the clingy one in a relationship. I'll have my moments where I'm clingy, but I tend to not be the clingy one in the relationship. And it's funny because I literally just had a man tell me, um he was like, "Me and you would never work out." And that's the reason why he said that it would never work out. And he literally told me, he was like, "I would want to live with you, and I would always want to be up under you. Like I would always want to be up under you."

[00:09:35]And I'm like, "Yeah, that's why we work out because I don't want someone that wants to be up all under me. I don't I want I I like having our little thing, having our little time, and then we go our separate ways. I don't want to bring it when we're coexisting together under one roof. That just I just can't do it. And once you understand that most relationships, most marriages are 50/50, um you really understand why they take it so personal that you don't want to live with them.

[00:10:06]And also, it forces them to be held accountable, to be responsible for their own domestic labor. Like, we won't be living under the same roof because I'm not just going to be cooking for you and cleaning for you and doing all this stuff for you and allowing you to have access to my body whenever think whenever you think that you can have it.

[00:10:25]So, this is actually a really, really good point that you mentioned because, yes, um that is the shift. I personally, I believe that marriages and relationships will last a lot longer if men and women didn't live together.

[00:10:40]>> So, now I was against I was against living in separate cities from my husband. I was against that at first.

[00:10:49]But, what I'm going to say is that no one told me that it was going to be so peaceful without the man.

[00:10:58]I don't have no problem with that man.

[00:11:01]But, I think I'm getting too comfortable not living with his ass. And >> What we have in our culture is a lot of selfishness, and it's manifest itself in this trend called living alone living together alone.

[00:11:14]Which I don't even Like, what? How can you be alone and together? You're not. That's like grape nuts. No grapes, no nuts. That's like Christian science. No Christians, no science. You can't be alone and together. That doesn't make any sense to me. But, it's couples that have decided, you live in your house, I'll live in my house, you have your schedule, I have my schedule. You make your money, I make my money. We're not divorced, we just live apart and we're still married and we see one another whenever it's convenient.

[00:11:40]Marriage is about doing life together and being together.

[00:11:44]>> Sheryl Lee Ralph and her husband Vincent Hughes, married almost 20 years and still do not live together. I actually been seeing this a lot. A lot of couples not necessarily don't live together, but they at least have their own rooms.

[00:11:58]And a lot of the studies have shown that this actually make the relationship better because everybody get their own space and everybody is not on top of each other all the time.

[00:12:08]Which makes a lot of sense, but a lot of people's society conditioned minds can't fathom being in a relationship and not being all over each other 24/7. And realistically that's not how a relationship is all the time. Yes, y'all love each other, of course, but you don't have to show it through constantly being up each other's ass all the time. You show it through being there for your partner, just period.

[00:12:42]So, this is actually a good idea. See, I don't know about the separate houses, the average couple can't do that, but separate rooms, I definitely believe that that's a good idea.

[00:12:52]>> Four perks of living apart together relationships. Okay, so living apart together is a relationship trend where committed couples maintain their own separate homes while still being romantically involved. It's all about having a deep connection minus the shared address. One, it'll spice things up. Living apart can turn up the heat because you're not always around each other, so everything feels a bit more special and creates unpredictability and some needed tension. Two, you get to have your cake and eat it, too. By enjoying a committed relationship while still keeping your independence, you get your own space, your own routines, and your me time is baked in. It's a relief not having to consider your partner all the time. Three, say goodbye to arguments about dirty dishes or whose turn it is to vacuum. Living apart means less domestic friction. You get your space just the way you like it, making the time you spend together more about fun and less about chores. Four, living apart provides the flexibility to structure your relationship in a way that suits both of your unique needs and circumstances, whether it's due to different lifestyle preferences, work schedules, social desires, or other factors, maintaining separate homes provides the freedom to live life on your own terms.

[00:14:01]>> Well, the more time that goes on, the more that I sit here and realize and I come to the realization that maybe not living together is the key to the whole thing. As a person that has been on this earth, I said earth with an f, that has been here long enough to experience, actually been in relation- relationships, living with people, and also living on my own, 10 out of 10, the best experience I've ever had was living by my [ __ ] self.

[00:14:29]And with all that being said, I think that relationships would last longer if y'all stayed separated. I mean, y'all together, but y'all in two separate different houses. Like, you got a key to my [ __ ] you can come and go whenever the [ __ ] you want to. I got a key to your [ __ ] you I can come and go whenever the [ __ ] I want to. We can only see each other about two, three, maybe four days max out the week, and the rest of the time, leave me the [ __ ] alone.

[00:14:53]That's my alone time. I want to sit in my I don't want to sleep in my bed butt ass naked. I understand I can sleep in the bed butt ass naked with you for fun time. I get that, but sometimes I don't want you in the [ __ ] bed shoving your little ass leg through my legs because that's how you [ __ ] go to sleep. That is uncomfortable, but I can take it. I can take it three days out the week, but the rest of the rest of the days out the week, I need it for my own self. So, the older I get, the more I'm falling in love with the concept of we can stay together. We can get [ __ ] married. We just need two [ __ ] households. I need my own and you need your own. We still to get we we like we like this. We like this. You my partner crime, best friend, homie lover friend. You all that [ __ ] but you just don't live in my [ __ ] house. You got a key though. You got a key and I got a key to your [ __ ] too. That's all that matters.

[00:15:37]>> I think a lot of people like it's not normalized to actually have your own place and still be married and you're not living with your husband or wife or whatever.

[00:15:49]But like you know, the way marriage is these days and everything could you be mad at having your own [ __ ] Like could you be mad of you know, doing your own thing because even when you're in a relationship or married, you kind of need your own space and if y'all living together, you just have no choice but to be in the same vicinity.

[00:16:17]And then, you know, like it's just different. Like it's like a business these days. Like you it's a business like either one person may want to make sure they get something out of the divorce or then you have the other couple that don't care about what they get after.

[00:16:35]Like I don't know. To y'all like is it like I don't know. Is this something that y'all would do because me personally, I don't think it's I don't think it's a problem, you know, not living together if you're married.

[00:16:48]You know, not saying that that should be more of a thing, but hey.

[00:16:52]>> This comment is saying that's telling me both of you don't mind spending the extra money on unnecessary rent and utilities and I take issue with the word unnecessary because for me, it is necessary to have my own personal space and the enjoyment of living solo. And I would also say that not everything of value in life will show up on a spreadsheet. It's not always a tangible gain that you have. For me, the peace and quiet and serenity of living by myself, of not talking all day because I'm very much somebody who loves the silence, and doing whatever I want to do whenever I want to do it, that's never going to be found in an accounting ledger.

[00:17:42]That's something that I pay for, that brings me such joy, that isn't quite unnecessary to me. When it comes down to it, if money is the main issue for your living situation and the choices that you make, that's totally fine. Your choices will reflect what is important to you and what is necessary for you, as mine reflect what is important to me and what is necessary for me. And I just know that I never wanted to be in a situation where I had to live with somebody because of a financial situation. That's why when I was teaching, I had my teaching job and two part-time jobs to live the life that I wanted to live, because my goal has always been I want to be with somebody because I want to be there, not because I have to be there.

[00:18:34]And if for some reason things ever went south, I never wanted to feel trapped.

[00:18:39]So, by me paying that rent on my own, what if I did move in with him and things didn't go well? Well, then I'm looking for a new security deposit and a higher rent than what I am paying now. I pay for that freedom of choice. For us, we split the rent to avoid splitting hairs, and I pay my own way because I appreciate and crave the freedom that it brings in my life to make the choices that are the most beneficial to me in my life.

[00:19:15]>> Married, but not living together. I got married in July, and we don't live together. I live really close to my kids' father's house, which is very convenient for them, and I adore my neighborhood. I would not change it for a million. Well, maybe for a million I would uh And he lives really close to his roastery, which is really convenient for him. So, for the time being, we're each better off where we are. And that's not in the same place. But I invite him over, so he's my guest, and he invites me over, so I am his guest. I do nothing when I go there. I don't cook, I don't clean, I don't nothing nothing. I don't even make the bed. Well, I don't even make my bed, but Someone asked me about living apart together relationships. LAT, that's where a couple is in a committed long-term relationship, but instead of moving in together or getting married, they live apart, but they're still together.

[00:20:03]They maintain their own separate residences. And they asked me, "Why would a couple want to do that?" And there's a lot of different reasons. You know, maybe they just don't believe in marriage, maybe one person works farther from the other, and they're not going to give up their job, and they're out of state, you know, during the week.

[00:20:20]There's a whole bunch of different reasons. But what I started to think about is people my age, maybe who've gone through a divorce, or they've seen the end of a long-term relationship, and gone through that long breakup, the idea of living with someone again or getting married might not have that same level of shine.

[00:20:38]If your kids are living with you, if you have your own routine, you could be at a point in your life where you just don't want to share the remote 7 days a week. And as a middle-aged person, I really relate to that. I live with my kid, my mother lives with me, and the appeal of inviting a third person in, even if I love them, just isn't there right now. So, I was wondering, do do other people feel that way as they meet people or they date into middle age, the idea of cohabitating loses its level of excitement. I find it more exciting to see someone at the end of the week. I'm more excited to meet them and go out on a date and really be with them intentionally than in seeing them every day and dealing with all the minutia of the house, if that makes sense. Let me know what you think in the comments. I can see the appeal of living apart together. Maybe after retirement, I'll want to cohabitate again.

[00:21:28]Who knows?

[00:21:28]>> You have an unconventional relationship to most 60-year-olds. Can you tell me a little bit about it?

[00:21:36]>> Been with my partner for over 18 years, but we don't actually live together.

[00:21:43]We've [music] got what we have what's called LATs, living apart together.

[00:21:48]And it was a time where I thought, "Well, I don't want to have someone move into my house and take over, take charge.

[00:22:02]It's not something I I wanted for my kids. They They did have a dad that I didn't need another dad.

[00:22:07]Um >> [music] >> So, they I created this relationship with my partner and then he also created individual relationships [music] um with my children, gradually got to know them. I never wanted someone you know to move in, "Here I am, now you're going to follow my rules." [music] Um I didn't want that. He didn't want that, either.

[00:22:30]>> Do you care what other people think about your unconventional relationship or living situation?

[00:22:37]>> a lot of people think it's a great idea and they think there would be less divorces.

[00:22:41]>> I'm convinced that what makes me such a happy and healthy partner is the fact that we actively practice separatism.

[00:22:47]Like we make room for our individuality and one of the biggest ways that we do that is the fact that we have our own home. Like we still share a bedroom, but he has a space, I have a space. He got his little man cave or whatever, I have what I call my lady lounge and my lady lounge is my saving grace. He's downstairs, he's in the living room and he's watching boy stuff. I don't know. I don't feel like consuming manhood. I'm going to go in my room. I can come in here, have me a glass of wine, light my own candles, light my own incense, and like it's my vibe like that I curated just for me. Oh my god, it's my saving grace. Our 2-year-old has been two all day, okay? And she got toys all over the house. She got crumbs everywhere. She's been turned downstairs in the Sesame Street. I don't want to deal with that.

[00:23:21]I can go in my room where there's like no evidence that a child even lives here. And I can decorate the space how I want. That's one of my favorite part cuz the rest of the house, right? He lets me lead, right? So if I'm like, "Okay, I think I want the wall this color. This I think we should use this decoration."

[00:23:32]He'll let me do that, sure. It's not like personality for real. You know what I'm saying? But in the room, in the lady lounge, oh, it's all my favorite shows, all my favorite movies, my favorite books. I got a poster from Bratz and a drawing of a scene from Midsommar. He has seen Midsommar. Do I think he wants to stare at that all day? No. But do I?

[00:23:46]Yes. It gives me great joy, actually.

[00:23:49]And you could do that when you have your own space. Like I don't know. It's just so liberating and freeing. Like I'm telling you having your own stuff is the key. We got our own lounges, our own bathrooms. So we sleep with separate blankets. Like I'm telling you that is what keeps me a happy and healthy partner.

[00:24:00]>> Have you ever heard of living apart together? Or sometimes it's referred to as apartners, and it's married couples who don't live in the same home. Well, I am in one of those relationships, in one of those marriages, and I have not talked about this on here in a really long time. So I thought you [clears throat] guys would enjoy learning a little bit about like some other options that might be out there for people. And one of the things that it's not is it's not a first marriage.

[00:24:28]We don't share kids. So it would be very different if you were like high school sweethearts and you had kids together and you didn't live together. That that'd be weird for the kids, probably.

[00:24:37]But this is a second marriage. I'm 55, he's 49, and we got together when I was 50 and he was 44. And at that point in time, he had a kid in high school and a kid in college, and I had two in high school, and we our families, our kids lived very far apart, and they also shared custody with their other parents, and blending the families just like was not an option in any way, shape or form.

[00:25:01]They lived over an hour away, went to different high schools, all that kind of stuff.

[00:25:05]>> [snorts] >> And so for me and him, living together was not really an option. But the further we got into our relationship, the more that we didn't really want to be on the market or be single. We knew we wanted to be married and we made the decision to get married. And so people get really confused about it. Some people love it, some people think it's terrible, but it works great for us. We love it and we're basically like dating, but we're committed. So we're off the market, which we both wanted to be.

[00:25:32]People ask all the time if it's an open marriage. No, it is not a freaking open marriage and we are together pretty much all day and generally until bedtime.

[00:25:40]We're together all day cuz we work together.

[00:25:43]And we're together pretty much until bedtime. We are both early birds and we're both very routine oriented and especially in the last 5 years, we are both into our wellness routines and our sleep routines and he goes to bed at a certain time and gets up at a certain time. It's different than when I go to bed and what when I get up and we both just really protect our sleep space. It's our healing time.

[00:26:07]My room is my sanctuary. I've made other videos about this and you know, I don't want to be disturbed. I don't want my sleep to be disturbed. I was single and divorced for 10 years and I learned to sleep by myself and he was alone for 15 years after his first marriage and he learned to sleep alone and be by himself. So we like our things the way we like our things, but totally separate from that. We didn't want to be single.

[00:26:32]We wanted to be in a marriage and we are in a marriage. We just don't live together and it's amazing and we we will live together again one day. We are building our future dream home, but it will have two primary bedrooms, okay? So until we have the space for that and it wasn't fair for our kids. So he's gotten his out of the house and I've got one at home still, one in college.

[00:26:54]His are living on their own now. So, you know, in the in the future we will we will make that move, but I thought you guys would enjoy hearing about it.

[00:27:02]>> See, I said this before, I'mma say this again. People keep saying being married and living in two separate cribs is crazy. No, it's not. It's really not if you think about it. Then nobody can be thrown out. You understand what I'm saying? My wife is always here with me at my house. Always. You understand what I'm saying? But she got her own house in case we fall out. She ain't got to worry about going in a shelter. She ain't got to worry about none of that cuz that's already in place. Cuz when the [ __ ] go bad, [ __ ] you got to leave the house.

[00:27:33]You got to leave the house. Once it fall out, marriage or not. Marriage and divorce, I keep saying that. Just cuz your wife live somewhere you live there, that don't mean they can't cheat.

[00:27:43][ __ ] cheat and be living in the same house. So, I'm not understanding [ __ ] logic like that [ __ ] is farming. It's best to have your own crib, [clears throat] bro. So, when [ __ ] go south, you can fly north on a [ __ ] You know what I'm saying? That [ __ ] is real.

[00:27:57]That [ __ ] wilding.

[00:27:59]>> [laughter] >> live with my husband right with me and I'll tell you why. People seem to hate when couples sleep in different beds, so they really hate that my husband and I don't live together. A lot of people are saying that I ruined the sanctity of marriage. This is not my first time being married. I was actually married when I was 21 to someone who was really not the right fit for me. I lived with my husband before we were married and I also lived with him after we were married. I never thought I would get married again. I never thought that it would be something for me, especially when I realized that I was polyamorous.

[00:28:29]I just thought, oh, I'll be solo poly or I'll practice polyamory without a nesting partner. And then, of course, I started dating my husband. And like I said before, we have never lived together. When we started talking about getting married and discussing what that would look like, I really wanted to make sure that no matter what, kept my independence and the strength and ability to stand on my own financially and otherwise intact. As I was married before, when I left, I had absolutely nothing. I didn't have my own bank account, didn't have my own savings account. I was barely given enough money out of our collective savings. I was broke. I could have ended up homeless. I had really no alternatives to leave and get out of that situation. For a wedding marriage, I knew that no matter what happens, it just felt like I needed the ability to keep my independence. Part of my independence is being able to have alone time, have my own space to decorate, have people over. When I'm dating folks, I like to be able to bring them to my home. I'm a firm believer that marriage can look any way that you want it to. Husband and I are very, very much committed to each other. And while we don't live in the same place, we still share a life of a married couple.

[00:29:42]Yeah, it looks a little different. We see each other a little less. Because of our time apart, we really enjoy the time that we have together. We make the most of it. We miss each other when we're apart. And I do think it's important to have representation of different forms of marriage. This is my happiest version of marriage.

[00:29:57]>> Be full-blown married and live in separate houses. So, let's talk about it. As strange as it might seem, people actually do this. And there's nothing wrong with this cuz this will save a lot of y'all marriages or relationships because some of y'all can't live together. Especially you notice a lot of issues started arising when you moved in. The problem is some of y'all got expectation of each other such as paying the bill or her cleaning your house. But if both of you [ __ ] stay where y'all was, nothing wouldn't be a conflict for you two. And y'all could live y'all lives together but separately. This couple that I had up here did this and their marriage actually end up being better than it was before because some of you have particular things that you want in your household or you want done and it bumps head with the other person. Like I told my wife, you got things you want to do and I got things I want to do. I got things when I perceive they need to be done and you got things when it ceases to be done. Me and my wife worked it out and we don't have those issues. However, some of y'all do have these major issues and living apart would definitely do that. I also know that some of you can't afford to live apart. But again, you were living apart before, so you should be able to live apart now. The US estimates about 4 million people or couples are already doing this and in Canada they're saying about 3 million are doing this. And then you of course you got the jobs where you got military families, firefighters, truck drivers, they'd be look gone for a long time.

[00:31:35]They're almost like the military. All year round though. Also, this include long distance relationships because some of y'all are better at long distance relationships than y'all are at with face to face. But a lot OF Y'ALL SHOULD ACTUALLY THINK about this because y'all could save y'all relationships that y'all really want. But also, this does not work for you, I want somebody to pay my bills or I want somebody to cook and clean, people.

[00:31:59]Yeah, but go watch her video, comment on her video, comment on my what y'all think about this. Could you do it?

[00:32:05]>> Yo, when are we going to start normalizing couples that live together but have separate beds?

[00:32:09]>> She gave you really good reasons to have your own bedroom. I'm going to give you reasons to have your own apartment. My partner and I have been together for 4 years and 2 years ago we bought a duplex. I live in one unit, he lives in the other. We have never lived together all the time. Here's why. We're both divorced. We got used to the living alone. We also both have kids.

[00:32:27]I have a daughter, he has a son, so we have two only children. We have different design aesthetics. I'm a maximalist, he is not. We don't fight about who does the dishes. We each do our own dishes. We don't fight about clutter, we don't fight about messy bathrooms. We are responsible for our own spaces. This also safeguards us against financial calamity. One of us lost our job or some other thing, we could all live in one unit and rent the other one out. It wouldn't be comfy, we would don't want to do that, but we could and not lose the house. We spend a ton of time together as a family. I'm about to go down there and eat breakfast with them. We have a beautiful home.

[00:33:02]I love it here. It's working out great.

[00:33:04]I highly recommend >> A movement that I'm seeing on Instagram is called marriage graduation. It's when a married couple still in love choose to live apart so they can follow their own dreams. So, you and I get married and then we're like, "Hey, listen.

[00:33:16]>> Who What is this study? Where is the Who's done it? Like who is actually doing this? Or is this just like clickbait? Because I don't >> Japan. Marriage graduation or Sotsukon in Japan is when legally married couples choose to live separately while remaining committed to the relationship.

[00:33:33]The idea allows partners to pursue personal goals, careers, or interests without the restriction of traditional cohabitation.

[00:33:39]>> If being with the person who you're married to stops you from living your dreams, you're with the wrong [ __ ] person. If you're like, I can only do this, this person is holding me back, I can only do this if we're separated and we're not living together, perhaps you're not meant to be together.

[00:33:56]>> Married?

[00:33:57]But living apart?

[00:33:59]You know, I came across a couple married for 38 years, but they live separate.

[00:34:06]And the woman said something interesting, that because of that, they don't argue, they don't get tired of each other, and for long marriages, it's better than divorce.

[00:34:19]How long you been married?

[00:34:20]>> 38 years.

[00:34:22]>> Oh, you got me the right one if you stay that long.

[00:34:24]>> No, we live in separate homes.

[00:34:27]>> That is the right way to live for 38 years.

[00:34:29]>> Wait a minute, wait. How long y'all live in separate homes?

[00:34:32]>> 10.

[00:34:33]>> And and it gets y'all that works for y'all?

[00:34:35]>> Bathrooms.

[00:34:37]>> Where y'all y'all live in different states?

[00:34:39]>> No, we live here in Detroit.

[00:34:41]>> In different homes?

[00:34:42]>> Yes.

[00:34:44]>> So how does it work? I'm fascinated.

[00:34:46]>> You go to your home and I go to mine. We don't have to argue. We don't have to yap.

[00:34:51]It's a good deal.

[00:34:52]>> And you trust him?

[00:34:53]>> Of course.

[00:34:54]>> He trust you?

[00:34:55]>> Of course.

[00:34:56]>> How often y'all see each other?

[00:34:57]>> All the time.

[00:34:59]>> But y'all don't sleep in the same place unless you want, you know.

[00:35:01]>> Yeah.

[00:35:02]>> Do you want to do that?

[00:35:03]>> Yeah.

[00:35:05]>> Now let's talk about this. Honestly, at first, it sounds strange. But when people hear marriage, they think of living together. Right?

[00:35:15]Living at home, sharing daily life, so natural. The question is, is it still a marriage if you are living apart?

[00:35:24]But here's the truth.

[00:35:26]Marriage is not one size fits all.

[00:35:28]What works for one couple might completely fail for another. And yes, sometimes space can reduce conflict because a lot of arguments in relationships don't come from hatred.

[00:35:41]They come from constant proximity.

[00:35:43]Little habits, different routines, unspoken frustrations. When you remove daily friction, you might actually preserve peace. So in that sense, I understand her point.

[00:35:56]But let's not ignore the other side.

[00:35:58]Because living separately doesn't solve problems.

[00:36:01]It avoids them.

[00:36:03]And there's a difference.

[00:36:04]If the reason you live apart is because you have both mature, understand each other and intentionally choose peace, that's one thing. But if the reason is you simply can't tolerate each other anymore, then let's be honest.

[00:36:19]That's not peace. That's distance. And distance can look like peace until you look deeper.

[00:36:26]Because what is marriage really about?

[00:36:28]It's not just avoiding arguments.

[00:36:31]It's about connection, growth, partnership, being able to live life together even with differences.

[00:36:38]So, if you remove all the pressure, all the closeness, all the shared daily experience, are you protecting your marriage or slowly dissolving it without calling it divorce? Now, don't get me wrong. Some couples make it work beautifully. They respect each other. They choose when to connect and they stay committed.

[00:36:56]But that requires maturity, discipline, and honesty.

[00:37:00]Because without that, living apart can easily become living separate lives.

[00:37:05]So, I close with this.

[00:37:06]Space can protect relationship, but too much space can quietly replace it.

[00:37:12]Peace.

[00:37:14]>> If you've made it this far, thanks for watching. No, I have not given much thought to this concept. I've heard of it before, but I always just go simply past. But today, I was just relaxing in bed and I thought, "Let me listen to what people are saying about this."

[00:37:30]And from listening to everyone's conversations, I can absolutely see how it could benefit some people and for others it would absolutely not work. So, I think the most important thing in this situation would be communication.

[00:37:45]As long as everyone is on the same page as to where this would be going, how much time would be spent apart, you know, just have a adult conversation regarding this.

[00:37:55]I feel like it could work. There are absolutely people who, while they want to be in a relationship, they want to exist on their own at the same time.

[00:38:03]Because individuals are different. Just because you're married doesn't mean you want to lose your individuality.

[00:38:09]And for those kind of people, as long as you meet somebody who is like-minded, it could absolutely work. But imagine being married to somebody and you feel like, "You know what? At times, I just want to be on my own, but the other person probably has an anxious attachment style and they constantly want the reassurance of their partner. They need to be in the same house with them all the time and spending time away is a no-no.

[00:38:36]There is going to be a problem with that couple.

[00:38:40]I don't think it's any different from having a long-distance relationship. The only difference I would say is in a long-distance relationship, there is an an end date, hopefully.

[00:38:51]But, I don't know. I think this could be a great idea for some people. I really do.

[00:38:57]While others, if you've got trust issues particularly, you are going to go insane. So, as long as this conversation is had before any sort of commitment and expectation, unrealistic expectations, people don't like surprises. So, there is no point in getting married to somebody where people are thinking that it's a conventional marriage, and then later on you say, "Actually, I want to live on my own." By then, it's too late.

[00:39:26]So, I think the foundation for this kind of existence or this kind of union is to have the conversation beforehand and to explore all the different avenues. But, I think it's quite interesting and let me know what you think in the comment section below and I'll see you again in my next one.

[00:39:44]Thanks for 11,000 subscribers, guys.