The most disturbing books I've ever read

Added: 2026-05-10

[00:00:00]Hello. So today I want to talk about disturbing literature. I went through a phase in high school when I started watching disturbing cinema. Later on I started reading disturbing literature which kind of evoked the same feeling as the movies that I was watching. And it's a it's a feeling that's different from being scared which I kind of talked about in my video about the scariest books I've ever read. I do think there's a distinction between being scared and being disturbed. So, a lot of the books I'm going to talk about aren't actually horror, but they are disturbing in one way or another, or they're books that disturbed me. And I feel like this is very subjective, as is everything. But yeah, today I want to talk about the most disturbing books I've ever read. And there's a thunderstorm going on right now, so that's fitting. Okay, so the first book I want to talk about is The Piano Teacher by Alfreda Yelanick. This was also later turned into a movie which is also considered to be like one of the most disturbing movies ever made. Oh, Michael Hanaki movie. Okay. I haven't seen the movie, but I've read the book.

[00:01:04]I read it last year actually. And this book really got under my skin. This book follows our piano teacher main character named Erica. And she's in her late 30s, but she still lives with her mother. and her mother is a very doineering, strict parent who really controls Erica's entire life and her entire existence.

[00:01:26]And the two of them have this very symbiotic relationship steeped in codependency. And it's depicted perfectly, I think, in the first chapter where Erica comes home from work late and she has secretly bought a new dress for herself. her mom is furious at her and they end up getting into this big fight where they're screaming at each other and Erica pulls out her mother's hair by the fistful and then they both start crying and then hugging and forgiving each other. So, it's a very toxic relationship between this mother and daughter and they even sleep in the same bed and her mother has controlled her life in every facet. She wanted Erica to be a very successful piano player, but Erica could not live up to that. And instead, she has become a piano teacher. And to grow up under this surveillance and this controlling environment has made Erica very repressed and there are so many life experiences that she has missed out on because of her mother's control. So now Erica as an adult lives a very repressed life still. And in order to cope with this repression, she starts to seek out ways to satiate her desires in very disturbing ways. She takes part in voyerism mainly. And she also lashes out secretly in public. Like when she's on a crowded bus, she'll just start pushing people, shoving people, elbowing people.

[00:02:50]Um she goes to peep shows and she does questionable things there. She spies on couples in the park and stuff like that.

[00:02:57]So, she's really desperate to find ways to cope with this repression that her mother has forced her into. And eventually, Erica has this new student named Walter Clemer. She becomes infatuated with him, and he becomes infatuated with her as well. And they form this relationship with each other.

[00:03:16]But because of Erica's upbringing, all she knows when it comes to human relationships is control. So she ends up really controlling Walter, devising a list of rules for their relationship and this really frustrates Walter. Their relationship from the start just is so toxic and it just gets more and more toxic. And then there comes a point where the roles are reversed and Erica is so desperate to retain this relationship with someone with this means of satiating her desire in a way that's not just voyerism. She's so desperate to keep this relationship that the roles end up reversing and Walter takes control. And I won't spoil anything, but the whole climax of this book really disturbed me and really upset me. And it just I think shines a light on the effect of abuse and repression and growing up under surveillance, extreme surveillance and control. And it really explores that toxic codependent relationship between mother and daughter and the effects it has on Erica as she seeks to form relationships with people like she can't form a normal relationship with people.

[00:04:25]She doesn't understand how because to her love is control. But yeah, this book is really sad and it's disturbing in its bleakness and I think if you read this book you will understand the whole climax is just very upsetting. So yeah, that's The Piano Teacher. The next book I'll talk about is Observatory Mansions by Edward Kerry. And this book isn't often mentioned, but I love this book. I think it's so good. This book to me was disturbing in the same way that a stopotion film is disturbing. It's just kind of creepy and aesthetically unnerving.

[00:05:02]Um, but this book really does feel like like a Leica film, a stopotion film.

[00:05:07]Maybe seems benign, seems childish, but is just kind of unsettling. So, this book is about this place called Observatory Mansions, and it's basically this apartment complex, and it's home to a bunch of bizarre characters, and our main character, Francis, who himself has his quirks and bizarre character traits.

[00:05:28]He comes to live in this apartment and he forms relationships with the different inhabitants of this apartment.

[00:05:34]And again, this book is disturbing in the vibe. Like, it's just really uncomfortable and really does feel like a creepy stop motion film. And I love the way Edward Kerry writes. Like, I don't know the exact quote, but just the way he introduces these characters and their backstories was just so fascinating to me. Like there's this one part like one of the characters is a former teacher and he's living at this apartment and he's introduced in a very simple way. I don't know the exact quote but it says something like um and this teacher never chose favorites until one day he did choose a favorite and then things were very bad for him. And it's like it's so simply put but that's so there's so much foroding in that sentence like what does that mean? So, I really like the writing of this book, and there's also like this scene with a dog that really got under my skin. So, this book did disturb me in a number of ways, but I thought it was a really great read, and I don't see too many people talking about this book, so I wanted to mention it here. I think it's really great, and it really is a story about outcasts and being ostracized, the loneliness that encompasses that. Next book I'll talk about is Johnny Got His Gun by Dalton Trumbo. This book I actually didn't finish because it disturbed me so much, but I think that was the point of the book. It's an anti-war book, so I do think it did its job. This book is about a young man, a soldier in World War I who is basically blown up by a bomb. He loses everything pretty much. He loses his limbs, his arms and legs. He loses his face. He loses his tongue, his ears, his eyes. He loses everything. So when he wakes up from the explosion, he's in this hospital, but he can't see, he can't hear, he can't taste, he can't talk, he can't move, but he slowly pieces together like what must have happened.

[00:07:32]And this book is horrific. It's so claustrophobic.

[00:07:36]And to be in that perspective, it's just so terrifying and so disturbing and so upsetting. Like, what would you do in this situation? He has nothing but his own mind and he can't even express what he's feeling to anyone. He's really just trapped in his own body. Like there's this scene where there's like a piece of cloth that's like stuck to his skin and it's like irritating him and he just but he can't move and he can't tell anyone to move it so he's just struggling to get it off. Like that just really disturbed me. Something about medical horror like that really gets to me. But yeah, this was also turned into a film I think. But this book is so so disturbing.

[00:08:16]I couldn't finish it. Maybe I'll revisit it, but it just was so like it made me sweat while reading it. Like I don't know. Okay, next book I'll talk about.

[00:08:28]Geek Love by Katherine Dunn. Oh god, it's so dark. It is quite gloomy today.

[00:08:35]So the concept of this book alone is very disturbing. So, it's about this couple who intentionally breeds their own children to have disabilities so that they can perform in their family freak show. So, that alone is just so messed up. But, it follows the perspective of one of the daughters of this family. Her name is Olympia and she was to have a hunchback, albinism, also dwarfism. and it follows her perspective as she comes to age and grows up in this [ __ ] up situation, this exploitative family. This book has such a distinct vibe to it. The whole story has this air of sadness and it shows our main character Olympia really struggling in this environment. It's just really sad.

[00:09:24]I don't want to spoil anything again, but it just the way the story goes, it just gets more and more horrific with each chapter and it flips back and forth between the present and the past as we follow Olympia. At some point near the middle of this novel, it takes a really dark and disturbing turn, if it couldn't be more dark and more disturbing, but there's this man called the Bagman who was just so terrifying. And that whole plot point was just so disturbing.

[00:09:55]And then there's also this concept of like this surgeon who has this business where she gives people deformities.

[00:10:03]There's so many points that are so disturbing to me and just overall this book has this vibe, this very distinct disturbing vibe. Um, and I really recommend it. There really is no other book like this book. It's really unique.

[00:10:17]Um, next book I'll talk about I'll talk about Misery by Stephen King. And this is my favorite Stephen King book. The movie is also great, but the book is so much more disturbing. I love this antagonist that Stephen King has crafted. It really is one of a kind. So, this book follows a famous author who gets into a car crash and when he wakes up, his legs are broken and he's bedridden and he's in the house of his biggest fan. As the story progresses, we learn that Annie, his fan, is not who she says she is. She has a very dark path and she has lightning. She has very sinister intentions. Eventually, Annie begins to force Paul, the author, to write the perfect book for her. This book has a bunch of psychological torture as well as physical torture that just gets more and more dark. And the feeling of dread that you get when reading this book is paramount. It's just I don't know. Each time Paul attempts to escape and fails, you just get filled with more and more hopelessness and and we the reader can only dread how far Annie can go in her cruelty because she just goes further and further and we don't know what the end point is. Is there an end point or is it just going to get more and more disturbing with each page? But yeah, I think this is a great book. but also very famous, so I don't think you need me talking about it much more than this.

[00:11:44]Um, two books I want to mention that I've mentioned before in my favorite books of all time video. Venus and Furs by Leopold von Seaker Massik and Flowers in the Attic by BC Andrews. I've talked about this before, so I won't go on too much, but these books both disturbed me greatly. Venus infers was disturbing in a psychological way where just someone's obsession with their own fantasies and how far their obsession was going to go and how it leads to their own downfall.

[00:12:13]This book is about a man who has this desire to be enslaved by a woman. And when he eventually does become a slave to this woman named Wanda, he signs his life away to her and only then does he realize that he doesn't know who Wanda is. He doesn't know if she is just playing a part. He doesn't know if she is actually cruel and manipulative. He doesn't know if she loves him or she cares about him. And her ownership of him just gets more and more dark to the point where we start to suspect that she might even kill him. Yeah, just the psychological aspect of not knowing who this woman wanted really is really disturbed me. So, it's just a very unsettling read. I don't know. and for flowers in the attic. This book follows um a group of siblings as they are locked in their grandmother's attic and they live out years and years of their childhood locked in this attic. And it was just such a claustrophobic read and also so heartbreaking like we follow from the perspective of the daughter of this family. And just to see how much hope and how much faith she has in her mother and her family and just after years and years and years seeing her hope diminish until she's left with nothing. Like it's so sad and so disturbing. But yeah, I've already talked about these books before so but I thought I'd just mention them briefly. Okay, the last book I will talk about is probably the most disturbing book and the most disgusting. This one is Tampa by Alyssa Nutting. And if you know, you know. This book is disgusting.

[00:13:50]It's one of those books where I was just like, why would anyone write this? And also, why am I reading this? And I DNFED it twice, but for some reason, I ended up finishing it. And it really is like a car crash that you can't look away from.

[00:14:03]Like it's so disgusting and it's so horrific, but you just can't stop watching. You can't look away from the crash. But this book follows this woman named Celeste who's a pedophile and she gets a job at a middle school. And this book basically follows her as she attempts to groom one of her students into forming a relationship with her.

[00:14:23]And this book is so gross. I can't say it enough. It's from Celeste's perspective. It's first person point of view. So, we're in the shoes of this disgusting pedophile. And again, I was just like, why am I reading this? Also, why did the author write this? When I think about it, I think that that's kind of the point of this book is to hold a mirror up to society because stuff like this happens every single day. Every single day. And there's so many pedophiles in this world. That's absolutely horrific. But this book confronts the reader with that knowledge and the truth of the situation. The reality of this world is that stuff like this happened all the freaking time. And our world pretty much was shaped by pedophiles as we now know. Many rich and powerful people in this world are freaking pedophiles. This book does hold up a mirror to that and say, "Don't look away from this. This is stuff that's happening and this is stuff that's being brushed under the rug." So yeah, this book does a good job of confronting the reader definitely because this book feels like an assault. It's also a commentary on gender and how female predators aren't taken as seriously although they should be. Um, and I believe the author wrote this because she went to school with someone who ended up becoming a teacher and sexually assaulting her student and was let off the hook for it, which happens quite a lot. the abuse of boys and men is not taken seriously in our society and that's just so messed up. Yeah, I don't know. But this book just is really disgusting. But I think that's the point. Um I don't recommend reading it.

[00:16:08]It's not fun. It's horrific and gross and I honestly am surprised I finished it. Again, there's something about this book where it's like a car crash you can't look away from. And it's like the author is like she doesn't want you to look away from it because that's what society does. Society looks away from this collectively because it's something again wanting to be brushed under the rug. Yeah, that's all I'll say about this book. Um, and I think I'll end this video there cuz I feel really gross now.

[00:16:35]I do want to know what the most disturbing book you've ever read is.

[00:16:39]Also, if you have any recommendations that you'd like me to read. I know Blood Meridian, a lot of people have recommended that and I do want to read that next. So, I just got to get a copy of it. But yeah, that'll be coming soon.

[00:16:51]I might do a reading vlog for it. And yeah, that's all for today. Thank you so much for watching.