What Desi Culture Gets Wrong About Marriages

本站添加: 2026-05-27

[00:00:02]Okay, mom.

[00:00:04]>> Welcome, guys.

[00:00:05]>> Hello.

[00:00:05]>> Happy Wednesday.

[00:00:07]>> Happy Buddhus, you guys. We're so tired.

[00:00:13]>> We're so tired. I feel like every single episode we start this way, and I apologize, but we are >> we are exhausted mentally, physically, emotionally, spiritually.

[00:00:23]>> This spiritual >> I don't even know.

[00:00:26]>> This is our outlet. So, I'm really excited to be here, man.

[00:00:29]>> I am, too. So, I had one of these cookies. Are they like non-high?

[00:00:31]>> Yeah.

[00:00:32]>> Bro, melt in your mouth.

[00:00:36]>> I find nonies are a little bit sweet for me.

[00:00:38]>> Okay, they are sweet, but the way they melt in your mouth.

[00:00:41]>> There's like cotton candy.

[00:00:43]>> All right, Hannah needs her dry, so I'm going to give her her minute to have her dry.

[00:00:46]>> Okay, I'm ready to go.

[00:00:47]>> You guys, I wait all week for us to record.

[00:00:49]>> I know. It's actually a lot of fun.

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[00:00:54]>> Oh my god. I for me it's like I get to laugh.

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[00:01:01]>> The rest of the week is depression. So there's that. Good lord.

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[00:01:45]>> What she said.

[00:01:46]>> Yeah. Welcome to the show. All right.

[00:01:48]Wait, wait, wait, guys. A few weeks ago, I was I had my Luke smug. For those of you who know, no.

[00:01:53]>> It's from More Girls. Winners. The one in Heartland. There's two. I don't know which location I got it from. You know, there's two winners in Heartland. It's literally Yeah. There's one on um the right side of Mavis and there's one on the left side of Mavis.

[00:02:07]>> I didn't know about the left side one.

[00:02:08]>> Yeah. One That one's like near the Costco.

[00:02:11]>> Oh, >> yeah. And the one on the right side is like near where Harry Rosa is.

[00:02:14]>> But which one is better?

[00:02:15]>> I like the one in front of Costco. I feel like has more stuff.

[00:02:18]>> Interesting. Why didn't they just make the other one a Homesense?

[00:02:21]>> I think it's a mix of everything to be honest. Oh, >> like I go there and I find all these HomeSense things there.

[00:02:26]>> Oh, so it probably is.

[00:02:28]>> There's also a home a massive Homesense in Heartland, too.

[00:02:31]>> Oh, yeah, there is. There's a Marshalls, too, right?

[00:02:34]>> Yeah, there is.

[00:02:34]>> There's like everything. Good lord.

[00:02:37]>> Apparently, there's Homes that opened in Square One and it's like got real brand items like some girl found some Prada shoes. Do you know that that has happened many times that like Okay, so Marshalls >> in the States they have designer items and Marshalls here has designer items too.

[00:02:54]>> I've never even like walked into a Marshalls properly.

[00:02:56]>> Oh, I love Marshalls. I love it. They even have really cute dresses and like clothes. I'm not even joking.

[00:03:02]>> I need to go.

[00:03:03]>> And um I bought a pair of Dior sunglasses from Marshalls for a hundred bucks once.

[00:03:09]>> What?

[00:03:10]>> Yo, it was insane. Yeah, they have like bags. They have like Alia. They have like Burberry, but it's only like a very small >> like a small section. Yeah. Yeah.

[00:03:19]>> It's a very small amount.

[00:03:20]>> Like the winners at Heartland, they carry a lot of like Aldo Guest sometimes like they have Kate Spade, Michael Kors, but I've never seen like higherend stuff.

[00:03:29]>> I have I think you have to go to Marshalls.

[00:03:31]>> Okay, I'm go.

[00:03:32]>> Marshalls also has designer clothing.

[00:03:34]>> Okay. But do you have a specific location?

[00:03:36]>> Okay. I love the one that's close to Sherway.

[00:03:38]>> Okay.

[00:03:38]>> That's like the best one.

[00:03:40]>> Okay. Okay. Um, but I also feel like you can go to any of the other ones and you'll find good products there, too.

[00:03:46]>> Okay. Because I went to the one in Heartland once and I was like, >> I also feel like when you go to places that's just super heavily populated, they don't have good things.

[00:03:55]>> Yeah, I agree.

[00:03:56]>> Like where I live, there's a HomeSense maybe like 20 about 20 minutes away and then there's a Marshall that's 30 minutes away. And I find gems there.

[00:04:05]Gems.

[00:04:07]>> You want to know something?

[00:04:08]>> Gems. When I went to teachers college, >> yeah, >> I went to Lakehead University and the campus, not the St. the where what was St. It's not St. Catherine, wherever.

[00:04:17]Not that campus. I went to the one in earlier >> and they used to have a Target there.

[00:04:22]>> Bro, best Target I ever stepped foot in.

[00:04:25]So, when Target left Canada, I got really sad at celebrating and I was like, "Guys, I don't know what's your problem. Target was amazing, but it's cuz I went to a location that was like >> I just had so many things." But then I went to the Target across um where Trinity Commons is.

[00:04:40]>> Yeah. Mwas. See what I've seen?

[00:04:43]>> I think what they do is like they look at places that are like super heavily populated and they throw in the Gandha.

[00:04:49]>> Gandh literally Lond.

[00:04:52]And then every time you say Londar, I think of the Sears video we made.

[00:05:00]>> First of all, Sears Sears out is the OG Lazar. Okay. I hated that place so much.

[00:05:06]The bane of my existence.

[00:05:08]>> Yo, lie. You want to know a story?

[00:05:10]Yesterday, guys, I went to my mom's house, right? She has this like on her couch and I don't know why she doesn't throw it up. Okay. I'm like, "Mom, throw in the trash." She was original.

[00:05:30]She's like, "This is vintage. vintage steers.

[00:05:34]>> Literally like I was so I was like embarrassing embarrassing.

[00:05:39]>> Embarrassing.

[00:05:40]>> Embarrassing.

[00:05:44]>> Anyways, that's my mom for you guys.

[00:05:46]>> Oh my god. Funniest [ __ ] ever. But honestly speaking, this is so a collective experience for our moms.

[00:05:52]>> Why are you like this?

[00:05:53]>> You know what though? They would look at us and be like and like Okay. And like you just toss everything away. I know.

[00:06:10]>> And you know my mom said my mom's like my mom hates the minimalistic look.

[00:06:14]Okay. She hates it.

[00:06:15]>> She's a maximalist.

[00:06:19]>> She's just like like where why are you hiding? You're a sandwich maker. Why are you hiding your air fryer? And I was like I don't want it on the counter. Then I look at my mom and I was like, "Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah."

[00:06:37]See, my mom is like like the opposite of like your mom with that. She's like, "Put all the appliances underneath. I don't want to see anything on the counters." And I'm just like, "Yeah, I get that because I feel like it makes your counter area look look cleaner and nicer and like your kitchen looks bigger."

[00:06:53]>> Yeah. Yeah. And I feel like I have space like if I need to, you know, cut something, prep something else, like I've got room and then I just tidy up and put everything away.

[00:07:01]>> But see, her perspective is like it makes it easy for me.

[00:07:03]>> So this is what my mom's like, when I need something, I'm not joking on your lowest cabinet to go get your air fryer out.

[00:07:10]And that's why >> Yeah. Because it's conven That's the thing. That's the thing. So I mean, here we are picking the aesthetic life and she's like quick quick quick convenience.

[00:07:20]>> And she she always like your aesthetic life can't make my biryani. I like >> there you go. There you go. You can't have the best of both worlds. Good lord.

[00:07:28]>> So, we asked a question of the week this week >> and that question was, "What's one thing they see culture gets completely wrong about marriages?"

[00:07:37]>> I got a good one.

[00:07:38]>> I'll go.

[00:07:39]>> If it's an arranged marriage you fall in love after getting married, nothing has been more false.

[00:07:49]>> Okay.

[00:07:49]>> Try again.

[00:07:50]>> Yeah. I don't know if I believe m maybe in some situations. I think in some situations, yeah, you probably do fall in love, but I also think it's like a I don't know. Okay, you tell me cuz I've never experienced.

[00:08:04]>> Okay, go.

[00:08:05]>> I feel like it's a learning curve.

[00:08:07]>> Okay. In my opinion, from my experience, yes, the marriage was arranged, but no, I did not fall in love after I fell in love before and that's why I said yes.

[00:08:18]She fell in love.

[00:08:20]>> My husband's like, "Oh, you're dropping the L word." Arouge to me.

[00:08:25]>> Love Arou does not show any sort of affection whatsoever.

[00:08:30]>> Okay. So, I want to ask you something.

[00:08:32]>> What's up?

[00:08:33]>> Because now I I understand what you're saying that you fell in love before. How long were you um in that process of getting to know him before you guys did your bath baki?

[00:08:45]We met in September and our na was January. So >> so about four months. Okay. So from September to January is when you kind of have got to know each other. Okay.

[00:08:54]>> So knowing what you know now.

[00:08:56]>> Yeah.

[00:08:57]>> With your kids, would you prefer the arranged route or the love marriage route?

[00:09:03]>> To be honest, I don't I don't have a preference. It's kind of what my kids want. the arrange marriage route is a little bit like they're not out here just kind of like going through too many people which is a fear of mine I have through like apps and stuff because your options are so open but I also feel like the arranged marriage it falls so much there's so much pressure on the parents cuz I saw my mom trying to do it >> and it's like the parents are now trying to find somebody who they think might be suitable for their son or daughter but it's like you might not know your son and daughter that way so the in the love marriage aspect you're kind of like okay they found somebody that they know they're compatible with.

[00:09:40]>> Yeah, >> that's I'm I'm totally like in the middle. Like I feel like if a person has a love marriage, yo, kudos to you. You found somebody. And if you have an arranged marriage and it works out, then that works out too.

[00:09:49]>> Yeah. I don't know. Like Okay. I think I think my hesitancy with arranged marriages and it's odd because like my parents had an arranged marriage and they genuinely like there was a lot of love in that marriage and then also their siblings had arranged marriages.

[00:10:01]So all of my uncles I've seen like very healthy arranged marriages. Okay.

[00:10:05]But I I think the hesitancy that I have with arranged marriages in this day and age is just that there's too much unknown. Um and I know maybe it's done in a different way now where it's like it's kind of not necessarily arranged the way it used to be. But I also know people that still arranged the way that it used to be where you're really not getting an opportunity to talk to that person properly and you're just jumping into getting married to them. Um, so I think I still would I would prefer if they kind of picked someone when it's the right age for them to do that. I also am not a huge like I've talked about this as well that I'm not a huge fan of dating when you're in high school and dating at a really young age. I'm not a huge fan of that. I just think that there should be other things that you're focusing on >> at that age. But I do think that >> I think it builds you as a person if you're able to pick your person yourself.

[00:11:03]>> Uh maybe you have the opportunity to understand that okay, this is a decision that I'm going to make. So what exactly do I need? Cuz I remember at my time it my parents never said pick someone yourself. Yeah.

[00:11:15]>> It was kind of like but then there's also rules with that.

[00:11:19]>> Oh yeah, 100%.

[00:11:20]>> Like they have to be this and they have to be this. So it's not just an open thing and I feel like I would still have certain guidelines for my kids too. But I think I prefer them kind of going and like >> picking someone.

[00:11:34]>> However, then it's like what if they can't find somebody? Then you got to go the arranged marriage route.

[00:11:40]>> Yeah. Or unfortunately, what if they find somebody that you feel like may not really be the best person for them?

[00:11:46]>> Yeah. But then then it's like, okay, they're going to argue with you and say, "No, but this is what I want."

[00:11:51]>> Yeah.

[00:11:51]>> And then you're going to argue with that. No, no, no, no, no. So then there's like a whole thing with that.

[00:11:55]>> Exactly. I feel like it has to be like a modern arranged marriage. Like that's what I'm okay with. I'm not okay with a traditional arranged marriage.

[00:12:02]>> What's your version of a modern arranged marriage? I think it's really like if you do find Adisha or if Adisha comes to your house, you get a chance to get to know the guy. The guy gets a chance to get to know you. If it doesn't work out, it doesn't work out. But I feel like not like to say the option of dating is open or whatever, but like you should be able to have opportunities and your parents should be okay with you getting to know him. Like have his number, go out a few times like and ask all the questions that you want to ask. That's what I think. And I remember there was this one point when my husband and I were early on talking. We exchanged numbers. We were talking. It's fine. And then we set like a date and I don't know I don't know how this came into the 24 year old head of Aru Sultan. I don't know. Okay.

[00:12:45]But when we arranged a date where I was like when we come I'm like I want you to bring really like >> deep questions and I will bring really deep questions. And then we started doing that every two or three times we would meet. So we would have two like lyah fun dates. Then the third date it's like okay where do you see yourself in 5 years? What's the money situation going to be like? Are we going to be living with parents?

[00:13:09]>> If we don't live with parents where are we going to be? Can we afford this? What can we afford? What can we not afford?

[00:13:15]That kind of like it was very transparent. But I had to be able to feel very comfortable around him to have that conversation with him. So, it wasn't until I was ready to be like, I think he we're going to have I think the conversation is going to be in a safe space >> then for me to bring that up to him. And then that's when a lot of the more important conversations unraveled. And that's why Yeah. 4 months is not a long time, but >> yeah, before I knew it, I was like, I'm marrying him.

[00:13:41]>> Yeah.

[00:13:42]>> Cuz he's answering the questions. He's open to what I have to say. um we're willing to like, you know, meet each other halfway on a lot of things. You know, I gave up a lot. He gave up a lot.

[00:13:53]And you just kind of notice that in the beginning. I'm a firm believer of like whatever a guy is going to do for you in the beginning, that's the precedent that he's setting.

[00:14:01]>> Oh, facts.

[00:14:03]>> So, if he's willing to meet you way, if he's willing to be transparent with money, if he's willing to have conversations with your parents even before the third meeting, then I know he's going to have my back. then I know he's going to stand up for me, then I know he's going to push me to do things that I want to do because I've already told him this is my future plan.

[00:14:20]>> Yeah.

[00:14:21]>> And vice versa. If he's not even showing any sort of openness to it, if he's like, this is dumb. I don't want to have a conversation with you about like finances. This is weird. This is only the sixth time we've met. Then I'm going to be like, bro, I'm seeing a bit of a red flag because then I feel like, are you going to have conversations with me later on? Are you going to have my back with your family? Are we going to have split things evenly? Am I going to feel a lot of pressure to have kids right away?

[00:14:45]>> Mhm.

[00:14:46]>> But you know what? Okay. I I'm a firm believer in the same thing that like those first few meetings and that first phase of like the dating phase, it's when that guy will show you what his capacity is for certain things. Okay.

[00:15:04]But then I also think that the dating phase, you're not even who you really are in that phase. like you're kind of living in La La Land and reality hasn't hit you yet cuz you're still living under your parents' roof. So sometimes I think people put on a facade for how they are. And the reality of it is that I think a lot of families they come into Risha meetings and they're putting facades on and they're pumping up their kids and they're saying, "Oh, my son does this and my son does this and he has this job and he has this job." And it turns out he doesn't. He doesn't.

[00:15:37]They could just be blatantly lying. um you always put your best foot forward when you come to a Risha meeting and you're always presenting yourself in the best light of course.

[00:15:46]>> So sometimes I'm a little hesitant of that cuz there is always this like >> pressure behind the scenes >> that okay this is a risha >> I am pursuing this because this is potentially someone I'm marrying and everyone knows about it. Whereas with the dating portion of it, it's like if you are finding someone yourself, then at least you don't have that external pressure from your family to be like, well, how was it? Did you see him? Okay, what did he say? And I I' I've seen that a lot. And that's why I say that. Yo, the pressure thing is real.

[00:16:19]>> Yeah.

[00:16:19]>> Because even when I was early on talking to my husband, every night my mom was on my bedside. You seeings I'm like this is so odd spam I cannot have this conversation with my mom.

[00:16:35]>> Okay, this is what I was going to say to your point. This is what I was going to say to your point. Okay, so like your mom is asking you these questions and then you are obviously having these conversations with this person.

[00:16:45]>> But some parents, they don't let you date.

[00:16:50]>> Yeah.

[00:16:51]>> And I'm saying this because I know parents like that. Yeah, >> I know even my own mom, >> if it was an arranged marriage, my mom would be like, >> I know my mom would say that >> and a bit of it is the what are people going to say? A bit of it is just I don't want you to make any mistake.

[00:17:11]>> Um, and obviously it's like you don't know that person that well. So, there's a combination of a lot of different things. And I just think that there are some families that allow you to have that space to actually get to know the person, which I think is very important.

[00:17:24]I think that's the key.

[00:17:25]>> That is the key. But then there is so many families that will say absolutely not. There's no way you're going to date or go to dinner or any of this stuff. If you want to do that, get your naga done.

[00:17:37]>> And it's just like, so you you're telling me I got to fill out my marriage contract and basically be married before I go out with this man. Yeah.

[00:17:43]>> Yeah.

[00:17:43]>> And then what?

[00:17:44]>> Yeah.

[00:17:44]>> So, I don't know. I feel like it's just >> I I feel like this is where parents have to get do the little give and take.

[00:17:52]100%.

[00:17:53]>> You have to let the res go to give the opportunity for their son or daughter to get to know the person that they are bringing into the home.

[00:18:00]>> Yeah. And and blindly getting your kids married. I don't know who the hell >> No, that's >> does these things. And I know some people are like, "It's not blind marriage." And it's like, "No, no, but it is. If you don't let your child actually go out with that person or get to know them, you're getting mar you're letting them getting married, get married to someone blind."

[00:18:16]>> Yeah. You're seeing all these marages.

[00:18:19]>> It's like a child birth. Yep. But I feel like you're seeing all these reals coming out of all these forced marriages and everyone's like, "Oh my god, this is not happening." Meanwhile, honestly, when I saw the real, like I was sad and hurt, but I was like, I don't know why everybody's making like why is this such an upro? This is really common, unfortunately.

[00:18:36]>> Yeah, it is. It is common.

[00:18:38]>> It is really common. And this is why you want to break it. This is why I'm saying a lot of parents need to sit down and understand what their children are thinking. Get to know them on a deeper level. And if they are saying mom like I really need to talk to this person I you know then you because the last thing you want is like our generation was guilty of who's the h the husband.

[00:19:03]>> Yeah. Ha is the husband.

[00:19:05]>> Ha is the husband. And it's like you don't want to be lying and sneaking around either as a child. You feel guilty for doing that.

[00:19:10]>> Yeah. But then you see this comes back to so many things because I feel like it wasn't just with this stuff. It's like when your parents have tightened the leash so tightly.

[00:19:19]>> Yes.

[00:19:19]>> What's the expectation to the parents? I say this to the parents, okay? Because we're now parents, but I I do think there's a little bit of realization that we have where we realize that we cannot be so overly strict and protective >> because we do not want to raise liars.

[00:19:36]>> And the the reality is a lot of us DY girls grew up lying to our parents.

[00:19:41]>> Lying and guys and guys. We could never even tell them the reality of the situation. I I honestly think the conversation that your parents have where it's like, "How do you want me to have that conversation with you? What do you want me to say to you? Hey, mom, I like someone." Half the time you're scared because you're just like, >> I do not think my parents can handle me saying that because then I have to go into the backstory. How did you meet this guy? Where did you meet him? What do you mean you like him? How long have you been talking to him for?

[00:20:11]>> Do you guys held hands? Do you see the Pandora's box this opens up? It's not just the fact that you're trying to be honest. It's just there was no space for parents to hold your honesty.

[00:20:21]>> So, I feel like it's very hypocritical almost for parents to throw that on their kids and be like, and then when you >> build up the courage to say it, then they're tripping out.

[00:20:35]>> How dare you go out and like somebody >> like and and it still happens today. So, I do think it's like whichever one works, but all right, I'm bringing it up. Oh god, >> you know what it is.

[00:20:47]>> I already know.

[00:20:48]>> The audience knows what it is. Girls are married to the in-laws, not the man himself. That's one. Living with in-laws.

[00:20:57]The son-in-law gets treated like a king at both parents' house, even when he's nasty to the wife. There's another one.

[00:21:05]You should respect your in-laws, even if they belittle you and have no respect for you.

[00:21:11]>> In-laws.

[00:21:13]>> Oh my god.

[00:21:14]>> In-laws.

[00:21:16]Compromising to what you think your in-laws need from you.

[00:21:20]Yeah. Living with in-laws. Bo is coming to serve the in-laws, not to spend a life on her own with her husband.

[00:21:31]I don't know. Now I'm like like inlaws in-laws that's the truth responses that that literally is so many of of the responses that we get. And the reality of it is that we repeat this in every single episode hoping to God that some of these in-laws will understand cuz I don't think that they have. You want to know we're triggering them right now. They're like sure. Okay.

[00:22:02]Okay.

[00:22:04]But what are the expectation you're having from your bahu? Yeah.

[00:22:08]>> Yeah. What is the expectation? I I always think this. I will think this until the day I die.

[00:22:14]I just think as a man, you have a responsibility. You have a responsibility to your wife. Yes, you have a responsibility to your parents, too. And you should love your parents.

[00:22:23]You should respect your parents 100%.

[00:22:26]But again um your priority when you get married is your wife.

[00:22:30]>> Um and I understand that that respect should be there for your mother but again for the second time your priority is your wife. So please prioritize her because I think if you are able to be there for your wife and support her then you will realize that you will benefit in many many many ways and your relationship will be really great.

[00:22:50]>> Yeah. And can I just say um this might sting a little people a little bit but I've noticed that our generation of moms who have immigrated outside of Pakistan, India, anywhere in the South Asian continent. Okay, they came to in the UK, Canada, uh America, wherever.

[00:23:10]They didn't deal with in-laws the same way that a lot of our generation and the next generation are going to be facing.

[00:23:17]>> Yeah. Because they left. Their in-laws were back home.

[00:23:22]>> They didn't have What do they have to do? An hour phone call every day.

[00:23:25]>> For real, right? I would have done that.

[00:23:27]>> I know. I I sometimes like laugh and I joke around around about it with a lot of the people in my family because I'm like, "Yo, y'all like up and dipped.

[00:23:35]>> You didn't have to worry about the mother-in-law. You didn't have to live in their home." And then anytime you went to go visit, yes, if you went to go visit for like 5 6 weeks, then you had to deal with in-laws. Definitely. But you knew there was a light at the end of that tunnel. But then Arouch was a return ticket there was right but but then there's also I think a lot of with a lot of that generation what happened was that they moved to Canada or a western country >> and then years later the in-laws got sponsored.

[00:24:01]>> Yeah.

[00:24:01]>> And they came a knockin.

[00:24:05]>> Okay. Yes.

[00:24:06]>> And then when they came a knockin you're already so used to your life living your life a certain way >> and then you're like uprooting everything. Now I got to, you know, I have to designate a designate a a nice space in the house for my in-laws. Am I giving up the master bedroom now?

[00:24:22]Because that's the respectful thing to do. Got to give them the on suite.

[00:24:26]>> And you know, your husband is like head over heels. I haven't seen my mama in so long. I need, you know, and and I understand. I understand.

[00:24:34]But god damn, I'm getting hives. Okay, it's getting a reaction. Y'all, let me tell you something though. Don't tell me that that situation happened and those wives were very happy or those wives didn't find that their life was totally shifted and they didn't feel like the earth beneath their feet shattered.

[00:24:55]>> Oh yeah, >> cuz it did.

[00:24:57]>> It did. It did. Yeah.

[00:24:59]>> But I have to give credit to a lot of our moms because when they had to take in the in-laws, when the in-laws came a knocking through that sponsorship, they took it with open arms and they they did what they had to do and they really did take care of the in-laws. But that doesn't mean that they that that husband didn't understand. Okay. Yo, my wife is going through it right now.

[00:25:18]>> I don't know, Rouge. I feel like sometimes they didn't understand. I feel like some did. I think some did >> because they probably felt the mood shift from sunny skies to cloudy thunder showers. Okay.

[00:25:31]>> But I think that sometimes the husband is so pasa of his mom's love. And this is the truth. And honestly speaking, okay, I would even say a girl could be like that >> that his parents come and then because the wife is like come around, you know, then the husband is also like in living in a twilight zone. He is just living in a dream and his dream is we all are going to live together in one happy family and everything is going to be everything is going to be roses and daisies and we're not going to have any problems. And then when the wife finally develops the courage to tell him, >> listen, this is bothering me, I feel like he becomes defensive.

[00:26:11]>> Yeah, I can see that.

[00:26:13]>> Yeah, >> I can see that. And also, I guess another thing to plug in there is the fact that a lot of our dads worked all the time.

[00:26:20]>> Yes.

[00:26:20]>> 7 days a week.

[00:26:21]>> Yes.

[00:26:22]>> 9 10 hour shifts, 12 hour shifts. They would never be home.

[00:26:25]>> Yeah.

[00:26:25]>> Like, no. Never.

[00:26:29]>> Never. So, I feel like they didn't even see any of it.

[00:26:32]>> Yeah. And then and then they would come at like 8 or 9:00 p.m.

[00:26:37]to their mom and go to bed.

[00:26:40]>> Yeah. Like you're eating dinner with your parents and then you're watching the news and you're going to bed >> and you're going to bed >> but >> and you're like wow this is so lovely.

[00:26:48]>> Yeah. But it's also the Okay. So you're when your in-laws come from Pakistan or India or whatever, >> they're retired at this point.

[00:26:57]>> They're coming here. You know the father-in-law is probably like I this a new land for me. I don't know what to do. I don't have any friends. I don't have any work that I can do. So, he probably gets bored. He's probably irritable. Same with the mother. Cuz now the mother's like, he's irritable. So, now I'm doubling down on the irritability. I don't like the food here because the Subzy back home is so fresh and it tastes so good. What is this garbage?

[00:27:19]>> There's just so many things that you have to deal with. And unfortunately, the reality is the older you get, the more childlike you become. And then for someone to have to adjust to this new normal >> and just swallow their pride and take it with a grain of salt, take everything with a grain of salt without complaining is really difficult.

[00:27:37]>> Yo, that is a a level of superhuman that I don't think I can achieve.

[00:27:41]>> It's so difficult. But now we know this.

[00:27:44]Yeah.

[00:27:52]>> Pakistan or India, >> it's still hard.

[00:27:55]>> It's still hard.

[00:27:56]>> And that's what makes me shocked because it's just like >> what is the what is going on then? Then to me it's like y'all have major inshment issues like >> and I just feel like if you didn't have to live with your mother-in-law if you immigrated at 18, 19 and you came to Canada, let's just say it. You got married, you came to Canada, visa laga, you're here >> and your in-laws, let's say, didn't come and stay with you. They're still in Pakistan or the whole family's still there and then you go every few years and you visit them and that's the situation, right?

[00:28:24]>> And so you have your own space. Why do you have the expectation that when your son gets married that Bahu is going to come and live with you? Why? This is the this is the piece of the puzzle that does not fit.

[00:28:38]>> Yeah. Because if you had the freedom to make your own home, to work, to go to school, to have a home daycare, to get your own license, to drive around, to start a catering business, to do anything you wanted to do, you had the freedom to do it. You had nobody over your head saying, "No, you're not allowed to do this. Come downstairs and make me chai. Do the laundry. Uh, no, it's my TV time. Come and sit and talk to me." Every, you didn't have anybody doing any t you did everything your way.

[00:29:03]Now that your son is getting married, all of a sudden she has to come and live with you.

[00:29:08]>> Yeah.

[00:29:10]>> This to me I will never be able to grapple and I can't wrap my head around because I think it doesn't make any sense.

[00:29:15]>> Yeah. It's the world's biggest double standard.

[00:29:17]>> It is >> like you got to live your life and now all of a sudden you don't want that for your child >> because you're too attached to him. I'm telling you it is is definitely the fact that the mothers are way too attached.

[00:29:27]Listen, we're attached to our kids too.

[00:29:29]But honestly, I don't know what's going to happen in the future, but I have to like school myself every day to be like, "Yes, you love your child, but your child is going to leave you."

[00:29:38]>> Mentally tell yourself this every day.

[00:29:39]Your child is going to get married and leave both of them, okay? Or however many there are, the sons and the daughters, >> because oh my god, the amount of problems that are happening right now. I was watching this video um I think it was like yesterday or the day before talking about like the they see divorce epidemic. It's like a real thing. Girl, tell us. There's so many people that are so many women that are leaving marriages because they are picking themselves and they're saying, "I've had enough. I'm done. I've put way too much into this and I've realized not only am I lifting the weight of me as a woman, as a mother, I am also lifting the weight of me being a husband, okay, a father. I'm lifting the weight of being the perfect daughter-in-law. I'm lifting the weight of taking care of my in-laws when no one took care of me. Why is this my weight to carry alone? M like it's it's so crazy. It's so crazy. It's like >> it's really really difficult. And I also think that a lot of this girls are realizing that we got into things because we needed to make our parents happy and we thought marriage was the way out.

[00:30:39]>> And then you realize that nah, it's another gilded cage this little bird is stuck in. Okay. Like it's not it's not what we all we thought it would be.

[00:30:47]>> And the worst is like if that's the case and then on top of that, girl, if you have a spouse that does not support you >> Yeah. that does not have your back. Like if your backup is against the wall in all situations, I don't understand how everybody's still expecting you to say the situation. I don't know how else to say it in English.

[00:31:14]Nor do I now and I have the entire responsibility of the household on my shoulders and I'm working and I'm providing and I'm doing all of these things.

[00:31:25]And then on top of that, yeah, and it's like relationship like like why do I have to be like dying inside a relationship where I am not gaining anything other than the title of I'm married? Other than the title, am I respected? No. Do my in-laws treat me well? No. Does my husband treat me well?

[00:31:51]No. Okay. I'm the slave of the house.

[00:31:53]Not only am I doing all the stuff outside of the house and working that 9 to 5 and hustling, I'm also coming home and doing all of the housework, raising the kids, taking care of the in-laws and doing all of that, what am I gaining?

[00:32:04]What's the gain?

[00:32:04]>> Exactly.

[00:32:07]Like, what's the point of me doing that?

[00:32:09]>> Exactly.

[00:32:10]>> It's just such a waste. So, I don't know. Sometimes I think about it and it's just like, you know, the people that are like, "Oh, compromise." And it's like auntie G honestly are you telling are you really being serious? Maybe the thing is right now this generation of girls is waking up and realizing that they are not doormats.

[00:32:33]>> We are not doormats. Either you can respect us and treat us like human beings or goodbye.

[00:32:39]>> Goodbye. Then you go be your son's little chump Gi. You do that then. I don't want any part of that. The cookie needs to stop. Parlay is talking right >> parlay.

[00:32:52]>> I thought you were talking about parlay the cookie.

[00:32:54]>> I was I was trying to make a connection there.

[00:32:57]>> It worked. It worked.

[00:32:58]>> All right, let's read out the question.

[00:33:00]>> Okay.

[00:33:01]>> What's one thing they see culture completely gets wrong about marriages?

[00:33:06]>> Someone said dowry.

[00:33:08]>> Oh. Oh. Okay. You know what? This is a good conversation. So for people that don't know and this is only in Islam, right? Or is it also >> No, I think it's culture.

[00:33:18]>> Okay. So basically dowry is what the guy gives you when you marry him, right?

[00:33:24]>> No, but it's also what the girl brings.

[00:33:26]>> Isn't that jah?

[00:33:28]>> But dowry is the English word for both.

[00:33:30]No, >> I'm not sure. I'm not sure. Okay. Well, either way, what the girl brings, let's say it's both. Let's just say it's both.

[00:33:36]>> But usually from the guy, isn't it like a monetary thing? Like when they do the nika they're like oh for this much money and blah blah blah but that's not the monetary is not from the girl side.

[00:33:45]>> No but I feel like in a lot of other cultures there's a lot like oh what is the girl bringing and that's her.

[00:33:53]>> Okay. So I'm talking about like the financial dowry that the guy brings.

[00:33:57]Okay. So I haven't seen this in uh like Indian weddings but in Islam when you do a nikah um they they will read out how much the guy will be gifting the girl as a dowy. So let's just say it's like 40 50k. Okay, >> let me tell you something. I don't know a single girl that has actually received the dario.

[00:34:21]And if you have, kudos to you. Okay, I haven't >> and I don't know other people that have actually received the dowy yet.

[00:34:31]>> Life is still moving on. So maybe there's hope for all of us. Okay. But I just feel like a lot of people they there's a number that's given but the money is not given to that per that girl. Okay. And it's I know some people are like oh it's not about money but it's like this is a legal contract. It's about the money. Give me the money.

[00:34:49]Let's just say for what it is. Okay.

[00:34:52]>> Have you ever heard of people no >> getting their dowy?

[00:34:54]>> No. And I also know of a lot of families who like show it off a lot because they want to like have a really high number so they have to announce it to the whole world >> and meanwhile you're like LIKE it's like let me say the let me say if it's okay. You know what I think should happen? They should say the number and they should pop the dollar bills right there >> because so help me God.

[00:35:21]>> BRING THAT BRING THAT TY CASE.

[00:35:22]>> I don't want that in my cupboard. Like don't be throwing the dollar bills in my grave.

[00:35:27]>> So this is what I want.

[00:35:28]>> Like what the hell?

[00:35:28]>> This is what I want to ask you. Is it circumstantial?

[00:35:31]>> No.

[00:35:32]>> It's yours. That money is in Islam that money is yours and and you know some people are like oh you can't so technically what they say you know some wives will be like minim whatever like I'm not going to it's okay if you don't pay it to me first of all you dumb okay but second of all second of all you cannot actually say that the husband has to actually present you with the cash and then if you say no I forgive it that is when it's forgiven it's actually not forgiven if you're just like that's not how it works because the reality is when someone gives you the 10,000 >> you're telling me you're slaving away and your husband's like I got 10k for you and you're going to be like I'd be like hook it up cuz I popped a lot of kids for you >> snatch that real quick >> this is what I've heard so correct me if I'm wrong and then religious scholars keep your stuff to yourself honestly I don't want to know I don't want to know >> there's too many sex in Islam that's >> yeah but it's just like regardless if it's like a legal thing that you're bound to go.

[00:36:33]>> You should follow through on it >> 100%.

[00:36:35]>> Period.

[00:36:36]>> Period. But also, I feel like the the the one that I'm familiar with is all like the the girls that they have to bring whatever they're bringing into the family.

[00:36:46]>> I feel like that's the Jah, though.

[00:36:47]>> Yeah. But there are some families that are asking for a Jah. Like they'll they'll tell the guy the girl's dad like, "If you don't give us this amount of money, we're not marrying our son to her."

[00:37:00]>> Okay. Okay. It might not happen so much here. I'm talking like back home.

[00:37:03]>> I feel like that is the most conjuc.

[00:37:06]>> Yeah, but >> Oh, we're not marrying our son to you cuz you're not bringing like what? Are you serious?

[00:37:12]>> And there are so many um situations where a lot of the like a lot of people who are not well off in Pakistan and they have daughters. This is where the whole situation of daughters comes up cuz they're like we don't have money to marry her.

[00:37:25]>> This is this is what I get so irritated about, okay? because it is not supposed to be this complicated >> and it's not like people really treat it like a business transaction.

[00:37:36]>> It is. But I also think that you know the daughter brings way more value into your home than the son does. And I'm sorry you guys might think I'm wrong.

[00:37:46]However, that daughter is the one that's giving you those children. She's birthing those kids. She's passing your family name forward. Okay? your lineage goes on because that woman is giving birth to the next generation of your family.

[00:37:58]>> So really for people to ask such audacious questions like what are you bringing? It just shows like how classless some people are. I find that disgusting.

[00:38:06]>> Yeah, me too.

[00:38:07]>> I think that's gross. I think that's such gross behavior. Like maybe it's a lack of education. It probably is.

[00:38:13]>> A lot of it is a lot of it is seen as like a business transaction. A lot of people marry their daughters and sons because they want to like in the Jah it'll be like oh whatever that kind of thing and they really see it as like a tit for tat and it's really gross because they're not prioritizing anybody's mental health. They're not prioritizing whether the husband and wife are even going to get along.

[00:38:37]They're not prioritizing the age, >> right?

[00:38:41]>> Because the guy could be old and the girl is literally a child bride. But they'll do it anyway. Why? Because for them it's a business transaction. And this is the biggest problem in our community.

[00:38:49]>> And this is why women don't have the self-respect that they should. Because the reality is what happened to I am the gift.

[00:38:55]>> I am the gift.

[00:38:57]>> You don't need you don't need me to bring anything. I'm not even going to bring like a dead leaf with me. Okay.

[00:39:02]You're getting me. I is the gift.

[00:39:06]>> Is the Yeah.

[00:39:09]>> I don't know how we are.

[00:39:11]>> Yeah. H gift.

[00:39:15]HT like you're lucky. You're lucky we're even marrying your son.

[00:39:21]>> For God's sake, son.

[00:39:23]>> He's never going to have my back. And I still said yes.

[00:39:26]>> It's just so crazy. Oh my god.

[00:39:29]>> I got to I got to read this one. Okay.

[00:39:31]What's one thing they see culture completely gets wrong about marriages?

[00:39:35]If things aren't working out, have a kid.

[00:39:38]>> Oh, I'm going to set my phone down. I'm going to >> I'm going to set my phone down, you guys.

[00:39:44]>> Worst advice.

[00:39:45]>> I grew up ha I grew up with this in my mind.

[00:39:50]>> Oh my god.

[00:39:51]>> Kids are going to save marriages. Kids bring love into the home. They bring love into the home. Don't get me wrong.

[00:39:56]Okay. Kids bring people together. Kids bring bkut. All of that. Yes. Yes. But if the foundation of your marriage has a crack, the kid is not going to put that back together. And because kids, yes, they bring bkut, yes, they bring cushy, yes, they bring all of these other things. It's also extremely stressful on a couple, it's extremely stressful on a woman. You have no idea who she's going to become after she gives birth. And if you are not supporting her from day one, it just gets worse after kids.

[00:40:27]>> Yeah.

[00:40:28]It's also, okay, I say this because now obviously I'm going through the divorce process. I reflect back. I don't think I ever thought about it as like, oh, if I have a kid, it'll fix things. I never thought of it like that.

[00:40:40]>> But for me, it was more like I'm getting older and I want to have kids. Right.

[00:40:45]>> Right. However, I I also feel really bad because it's not that child's decision to be brought up into a relationship where it's not going to work or where it's unhealthy. So, this this thought process of kids are going to make it better is the world's biggest lie. The world's biggest lie. And honestly, it's also detrimental to the children. it's detrimental to you as well. So when you are in a really really toxic marriage where things are just horrible, you need to break out of that mentality. Do not do it no matter what. No matter even if you had 3 months of bad days and then all of a sudden one week everything is going great and you're like I would love to have a kid with you. Please >> please don't. Please do not do it. Can I just say even when you have a healthy relationship, >> even when everything is going well, even if the love is there, the respect is there, um, and you're you're you're great and you're looking at your partner and you're like, I'm ready to have a kid, and you have a kid, that kid is still going to change your relationship.

[00:41:47]Just an FYI, for those of you who think that's not going to happen, the kid is going to change your relationship. The love will change. The love might even disappear for a bit. And if you don't work on that relationship, the love might not come back.

[00:42:02]>> And that is such a reality that I think nobody ever talked about. Nobody ever prepares any woman for.

[00:42:08]>> No.

[00:42:08]>> You think, "Oh my god, I'm so in love.

[00:42:10]I've got a great relationship. My partner is amazing. We're we're great.

[00:42:14]We actually love each other. Healthy relationship."

[00:42:17]>> And then you have a kid and you're like, "Okay, what is going on between the two of us? This is not us." Because your kid will change your relationship regardless >> because you don't have the bandwidth at that time, right?

[00:42:27]>> You don't. And girl, for the first I'm going to say this and I'm going to stand 10 toes deep.

[00:42:32]>> Yeah.

[00:42:32]>> For the first two years of a kid's life, it falls on the mom.

[00:42:36]>> Oh, 100%.

[00:42:36]>> Okay. For the first like 18 months, it falls on the mom >> because the kid wants you. The kid knows you. The kid recognizes you.

[00:42:44]>> Um, if your child is not mobile yet, he just wants to be held by you. She just wants to be held by you. The dad can be around, but I truly feel like until the child is like in a toddler fun playing age, the dad isn't really present.

[00:43:00]>> Do you know how hard that is on a mom?

[00:43:01]>> Oh, for sure. For sure.

[00:43:03]>> Because you're doing all of it by yourself and then you have to hear everybody else's freaking comments on your relationship or your parenting style or whatever. Nobody's I don't think any woman is ready for that. I feel like a lot of women, and I can say I was guilty of it, too. You look over and you're like, "Oh, I'm in a healthy relationship. We're good. We're set. I had a couple of things checked off my my list of things that I wanted to get done before I had kids. Done. Done. Done.

[00:43:28]Done. Done. Okay, now I'm ready.

[00:43:29]Alhamdulillah. No problems. Got pregnant. Had my first kid. Oh my god.

[00:43:34]My world turned upside down.

[00:43:36]>> Yeah. Same. Same.

[00:43:37]>> It turned upside down >> and you don't even realize it. You don't recognize it. You're so sad all the time. You miss the life that you had.

[00:43:45]You miss the relationship you had with your husband. and you look over and you're like that relationship's never going to come back.

[00:43:50]>> Yeah. It's also sad because okay now obviously you're devoting all of this time to this child, right?

[00:43:55]>> So I think a lot of women we become bitter >> because we're here like look we have the sleepless nights.

[00:44:02]>> We lost our body. We went through so much pain to give birth to this beautiful child. Okay. And we don't even have a life anymore. And then you look over at your spouse and you're just like you're the same person still. you didn't have I I understand that yes, you have a child now, but you did not physically or emotionally go through the process that I went through. So, if you know and you see this, where have you been? Where are you? Like, how can you not How come you're not showing up the way that you should? It's it's just such a huge emotional shift. You're pretty much killing off the old version of yourself and you don't even know how to move forward. And then all of a sudden it's just like well you know you perceived your relationship to be a certain way and then you bring this child in and it is the complete opposite of what you thought it would be like.

[00:44:54]>> You thought that he would be there all the time to do this for you and to do that for you and he's probably irritated in his own right too. He probably is.

[00:45:02]But it's such a huge shift and you're never prepared for it. You're just not.

[00:45:06]So if it can change for people that are actually in like healthy relationships, imagine for somebody that's not in a healthy relationship how it would shift.

[00:45:14]>> It's like you have a partner who has like really serious anger issues.

[00:45:18]>> Exactly.

[00:45:19]>> Okay. And now you're telling me that a sleepless night or you getting you having a bit of a short fuse now because you have no patience or bandwidth to handle anything.

[00:45:28]>> Yeah.

[00:45:28]>> Now you're also bringing in a bit of the anger. How is that person going to react? And then it's also the fact that now look at the situation because you are having these arguments and these fights and your child is there >> and it's not like your child can't hear like they can they're taking all of it in. You're stressed. Your child is stressed you know. So there's so many layers to it but but also I I think that we just were never told exactly what you said. We were never spoken to about this. Our parents never sat us down and had a conversation. Honestly, our parents never even had a conversation about intimacy, okay? So, forget that.

[00:46:05]But having children, breastfeeding, what the like the emotional toll that certain things take, how child birth affects your relationship, >> never. I've never heard a single discussion about that.

[00:46:17]>> Same.

[00:46:18]>> And now, thank God, at least like amongst friends, we can talk about it.

[00:46:22]Like we talk about it on the podcast cuz some people just don't know. Some people are pregnant right now. Some people are planning to have kids. Y'all, it is lifealtering. It is. And it's not meant to scare you, but it's just prepare yourself cuz this this stuff happens.

[00:46:34]>> Yeah. And it's honestly like when they say it's a traumatic experience, it's actually a traumatic experience. No woman is overexaggerating the situation.

[00:46:44]>> You know, I feel like we're always labeled as these like over Oh, you're just being overdramatic. Women have been giving birth since the beginning of time. Fine. Did you ask the first woman who gave birth how she's doing?

[00:46:53]>> But anybody really ask her.

[00:46:56]>> That's so true. But I also think a lot of the people that are saying that are also people that had kids like over like 25 years ago, 30 years ago. And the reality of it is you don't remember.

[00:47:08]>> You don't remember. And it's crazy. But I actually think y'all have gone through so much trauma, including us. Like when I when I look back to my kids' birth, there's things I remember. Do I remember the pain? I actually don't remember the pain to that degree.

[00:47:22]>> I hear you.

[00:47:23]>> And I feel like with time, you forget, which is why you pop out more kids. So for people to minimize someone and say, "Oh, well, yeah, you know, you'll get through. It's not that bad. People have been doing this for centuries." It's like, "That's wonderful and that's great and I swear to God, I don't want to understand, but if it's a mother-in-law, you know what I'm saying?" Like, it's just there's people that will understand and then there's people that will minimize you. And I think you have to understand that your feelings are valid.

[00:47:49]>> It sounds so cliche. Your feelings are valid, but it's the reality of things.

[00:47:54]>> It is the reality. And I think because nobody ever talked about it in the generation before us and we just had no idea, it really added to our PPD.

[00:48:02]>> Yeah. But then on top of that, when you do talk about it, like if you ever said to your mom or if I ever said to, "I'm just so down. Like, I don't even know why I'm crying. I'm just crying." What are your parents going to say? Be grateful.

[00:48:14]You know, like Yeah. And you're sitting there like, "I KNOW ALL THESE THINGS. I know all of it." You think when I don't see my baby smiling that I'm not like, "God, thank you so much for blessing me with a beautiful, healthy child." You think I don't know that, but right now I am having a mental breakdown. Okay. Okay.

[00:48:32]Support.

[00:48:33]>> You know what else I don't like? And this could be when you hear it from in-laws, mother-in-laws, whatever. But when they're like, "Oh, and you're sitt there like we had to do everything." And I'm just like honestly the response medal like sometimes I'm like what do you want me to say? What do you want me to say?

[00:49:08]Our experiences are always going to be different. Why are you invalidating my experience? Or or when someone has a traumatic delivery. Okay? Like I'm talking you're on death's doorstep unfortunately. Okay?

[00:49:22]and your in-laws or someone else minimizes the experience and says and then you are in a situation where the father of your child is so empathetic to his mother. Oh my god, my mom has gone through so much. But meanwhile with you, right, with you it's like man up, man up. with you. It's like, okay, like I get it. Like, you're sad, but like this is really too much now. Like, stop crying. It's like all you do is cry. It's that. So, all the empathy for the parents, >> but zero for your wife. Meanwhile, >> your wife gave you the kids. You know what I mean? So, like, have some empathy for the girl that has literally >> almost literally Okay, I I I will always stand by this. A girl giving birth is you are literally putting yourself in a place where you could potentially be a death store.

[00:50:20]>> Every time you give birth, you just don't know.

[00:50:22]>> Yep.

[00:50:23]>> So, your wife is doing that for you and you're throwing a double tha at her. How dare you? Okay. You are sitting on the side probably on your phone checking your WhatsApp updates while she was dying. Okay. And you're complaining.

[00:50:38]What are you complaining about?

[00:50:40]>> I'm sorry. I'm getting so triggered.

[00:50:42]What? What is he complaining about?

[00:50:44]>> Arou is right there beside him now.

[00:50:46]Right there.

[00:50:47]>> I find it so >> I don't even think I have the words at like the level of disgust I feel when I see men complaining about their wives being more emotional after they have kids.

[00:51:00]>> I find that to be so gross.

[00:51:02]>> Like, go back to school, okay? Go crawl up your mom's hoo-ha if you have to because I don't like that. I don't like that.

[00:51:10]>> I hear you, girl. that it's >> it's so triggering. It's so um I think it's extremely disrespectful for somebody to minimize their wife's experience, the mother of your children >> to make her feel like she is not worth >> um you know the praise that she should be worth after delivering a child.

[00:51:28]>> 100% >> like she brought life into the world and you're just minimizing it. It's the same thing when guys are like, "You had a C-section. It's not really like you experienced any pain." You know, like dumb things like that.

[00:51:39]>> You know what? Next time be like, "Come here. You were going to have a C-section, too.

[00:51:42]>> I swear to God, I would be like, "Get on the gertie."

[00:51:43]>> Okay, let's go. Let's go, >> doctor. Six layers. Cut them. Let's go.

[00:51:48]Let's go.

[00:51:49]>> You know what else I have to say on this topic? I absolutely cannot stand when men are Oh my god, guys. I lost my train of thought.

[00:51:59]>> You're just like me today.

[00:52:00]>> Oh my god. I was literally It was such an important say. Oh my god. Oh. Oh. Oh.

[00:52:05]Oh. I remember. I remember. I also really, really, really dislike when men are expecting their wives to be the exact same person that they were before they gave birth.

[00:52:14]>> Thank you. Thank you.

[00:52:15]>> They're expecting, "Oh, she's going to dress up for me."

[00:52:18]>> You know, let's say, >> I swear to God, let me just say a freaking loser right now.

[00:52:22]>> Let me just say before you gave birth, let's say you were a stay at home wife, right? All the chores were always, guys, being a stay at home wife is like having six jobs at once, okay? So, you did all the cooking, you did all the cleaning, you did all the grocery, you did all the meal meal prepping. You prepped his extra protein chicken breasts. Da d d d d d d d d d d d d d d d d d d d d d d d d d d d d d d d d d d d d d d d d cuz he's gots to go to the gym for an hour.

[00:52:42]>> You're like measuring his flipping food, >> macros and all this. He have his protein shakes ready to go. Okay, you were doing the most. And I hats off to you because you held it down. Okay, the house was spotless all the time.

[00:52:55]>> The in-laws taken care of, birthdays taken care of, flowers delivered, cake, there we go. Eid celebrations, you host it. Okay, now you're pregnant. You're still doing it while you're pregnant.

[00:53:06]Feet are swollen. Girl, you are a superhero. Then you give birth and you have your child and your wife is like or your husband turns around and looks at you and says, "Yo, so you're hosting Eid?

[00:53:16]>> Yo, you hosting Eid? Yo, Mother's Day is coming up. What do we do?

[00:53:19]>> Hit me again. I'mma break your hand."

[00:53:23]>> Yo, Hannah, ever since I've given birth, I've gained some weight. Like, can you meal prep a little bit?

[00:53:31]I am not the one, guys. Like, I don't know who these soft girls are. I am not that girl.

[00:53:38]>> I've gained a little bit of like, you know, pregnancy sympathy weight. I need to hit hit the gym. Could you like make me a protein shake?

[00:53:44]>> Honest to God, I would lose my cool.

[00:53:46]>> That's what I'm saying. That's what I'm saying.

[00:53:47]>> Like I And the neighbors would hear like I would and honestly then I would walk in and be like, "Do you know what you just said to me?" M >> and the neighbors would support >> facts.

[00:53:55]>> I the in-laws would hear while they're sitting in Pakistan.

[00:53:58]>> Yeah. And I hope that they do. I I just think that that is extremely rude. I think that's rude. I'm not saying that uh you should like the guy should starve, but also he has hands and legs.

[00:54:09]>> You know, he knows how to walk.

[00:54:12]>> He knows how to boil an egg.

[00:54:14]>> He can warm milk. He can eat a bowl of cereal. You know the situation. And this is what I mean when it's like, okay, so I as a woman am supposed to have all the empathy for you because with a C-section, right? So I can have 12 times the empathy for him.

[00:54:46]Okay. Where is the batti?

[00:54:48]>> There is no >> Where is the batti for me?

[00:54:50]>> Exactly.

[00:54:51]>> None. Okay. I can have a C-section and I still have to get up and do all of these things for him >> just to come off as a good wife >> because God forbid that I don't do it.

[00:55:03]Then I have to hear the T for it. I find this to be insane. The mentality is so backwards.

[00:55:09]>> Or you give birth, he takes a couple of weeks off of work. Okay. He takes three, four weeks off and he's doing the most.

[00:55:16]Okay, >> he's doing the most. He's helping you out. You had a C-section. He's taking care of you. He's helping you with feeds. He's doing all these things. And then his mom comes over >> and his mom's like, "Hi, why why is he doing it? Where is his wife?"

[00:55:31]>> And then you're telling me that you're not going to turn around and want to slap him across his face?

[00:55:34]>> I would be slapping more than one person.

[00:55:40]>> You're saying this to me and I'm getting mad. And the reality, >> this is such a reality in so many couples.

[00:55:46]>> Yes, it is. And you know, I would just stand right beside him and be like, "Hi, hi."

[00:55:57]>> Be like, "Oh, and >> hi." And >> Okay. Can I also say something though?

[00:56:04]Like sometimes you just don't want your mother-in-law there.

[00:56:07]>> Like when I just gave birth to my child. Can I live in comfort and peace, please? I don't need somebody coming in and being like diaper diaper. I don't need the peanut gallery.

[00:56:22]I'm trying to figure this out on my own.

[00:56:23]Okay.

[00:56:24]>> Peanut.

[00:56:25]>> Yeah. All right. And then what the husbands are like, let me call my mom to help you. And it's just like, you are not helping. You are hindering. You are hindering. Please.

[00:56:33]>> You guys, before we end the episode, I need to say this. If you ever say, "Let me call my mom to come and help you."

[00:56:40]She don't want the help.

[00:56:41]>> She don't want the help. Unless she genuinely has an awesome relationship with, which is few and far between.

[00:56:46]>> And honestly, and in that postpartum time, I think no girl wants that help.

[00:56:50]>> Yeah. Even if she has a great relationship, >> we're trying to figure it out ourselves and you're not giving us the space to figure it out because you are panicking cuz you don't know how to figure it out.

[00:56:58]>> And when you invite your mom over to come and help, it's only a second boge because now she's the bohoo and she's going to feel obligated. I have to host.

[00:57:07]I have to make I got to have something in front of her. I got to make sure that the fridge is full or she's going to come and open my fridge and judge me that I haven't done grocery even though I just gave birth.

[00:57:15]>> But you know the worst part is when you tell your husband this and you're like please like honestly I I have can you just go out and grab this because I just want to have something ready. Don't worry about it. She's not going to think anything like that. And then you're sitting there honestly I'm sorry. Like the inner rage when it comes and you're sitting there like did you hear what she said to me?

[00:57:38]Did you hear what she was telling other people and you're just sitting there like, I'm trying. I got basitis, >> okay? I don't want to show you my boobs, okay? Like, I'm trying to feed my child, but also learn how to feed and I just want some privacy so I can have my seventh mental breakdown of the day.

[00:58:05]>> It's just crazy. And the guy is just so aloof and he doesn't even know.

[00:58:09]>> And like I'm telling you men out there, every single person on this planet, I'm telling you right now, your mom is not going to help the situation.

[00:58:15]>> Yeah, please. Like, if anything, send our moms.

[00:58:17]>> Yeah. God, >> sometimes I don't even want >> That's true, too. That's >> honestly guys, I'm being so real. I don't want any mom. I just want me >> and my baby and my 6 million emotions.

[00:58:27]>> Yeah. And let me figure it out.

[00:58:30]>> Yeah. Let me feel them.

[00:58:30]>> Let me feel them. Let me not have to be fake. Let me walk around not thinking about I can't wear this because this person's coming over. I have to put a bra on because somebody's coming over. I want to be the way I want to be. I want to take a shower. I want hot food. And that's it. I will figure the rest out.

[00:58:44]But I don't need interruptions from other people who are going to make my life a living hell.

[00:58:49]>> Yeah. And and you know what you can do to help? Just be there. Don't walk away.

[00:58:54]Just be there. Take the kid, you know, like buy me a coffee. Take me out somewhere nice. Get me out of the house.

[00:59:00]Do nice things for me. Okay, just please like for those at least the first three months, fourth trimester, please, please come through. Okay, please come through.

[00:59:10]We beg you.

[00:59:12]>> A nice coffee machine so that I can survive the next >> Yeah. And so help me God if you don't get a push present. Like I'm >> I have no words honestly at this point.

[00:59:20]I've just >> On that note, guys, >> on that note, okay, thank you so much for watching ours.

[00:59:29]Part two is going to be Monday, okay?

[00:59:32]So, make sure you guys tune in for that and you're following us on all of our socials. And we will see you guys next time. Bye. Okay, Mom.