Episode 5: What Life Was REALLY Like Behind Closed Doors

本站添加: 2026-06-06

[00:00:01]First off, I just want to start by thanking the most high God Yahawah for giving me the strength and courage to share my story and experience. I have seen a lot of response videos and commentary regarding this all coming to light. While most people are sending positive encouragement and support, a lot of people are being nasty and hateful. I've seen people saying that I'm not allowing space for him to repent or change when I have been involved with this person for going on 3 years, avidly advocating for change and seeking help in many different places.

[00:00:32]When he called me after the series premiered, I had not spoken to him in almost a month. He did not apologize, but 20 minutes after that call, he made a public response video.

[00:00:44]When he called me before the third episode came out, he still did not apologize. I have never received even an apology. Still to this day, he has not sent any support for our child and has not even asked about her at all. So, when you say I'm not allowing space for change, you have to understand that this man has only been accountable to y'all or the things I've brought out publicly so far because I brought them out publicly. I have not seen any background work being done, only attempts at stopping me from continuing to share my story.

[00:01:19]people speaking about how he has stepped away from his leadership position and is repenting. Just know that you have not heard the whole matter. So, how do you know what he should be accountable for?

[00:01:29]Yes, there's a lot to be talked about.

[00:01:31]Yes, I'm making it into a series format.

[00:01:34]Yes, I'm going to continue to release episodes until my story is done being told. At this point, it's bigger than an expose. My story needs to be told and through the spirit and power of the most high, no one is going to stop me from doing that. I also want to say that I have been seeing people saying that I chose this man. First of all, I understand the mistake I made in not courting long enough, but still that does not excuse his behavior. I've seen people saying I'm destroying his reputation and I want to be very clear.

[00:02:06]I didn't cause this. Again, the reason this is all being made public is because aside from him being a public figure, the private avenues have never worked.

[00:02:15]He did not listen. Matthew 18 says, "Moreover, if thy brother shall trespass against thee, go and tell him his fault between thee and him alone. If he shall hear thee, thou hast gained thy brother.

[00:02:28]But if he will not hear thee, then take with thee one or two more, that in the mouth of two or three witnesses every word may be established. And if he shall neglect to hear them, tell it unto the church. But if he neglect to hear the church, let him be unto thee as a heathen man and a publican.

[00:02:46]So when you spend so long pretending to be someone you're not, eventually the veil will be lifted.

[00:03:03]Funny how women become wicked. Funny how women become witch right around the time she starts showing you you. You call me a wicked wife cuz I stopped letting your ego decide my life.

[00:03:19]Soon as I got exhausted from holding us up right now suddenly I'm bitter difficult cold and hard to lie. Wicked wife that's what y'all call women with boundaries. Wicked wild. She stopped performing happily. Funny how every good woman turned dangerous eventually after giving everything away in good faith repeatedly. You wanted Proverbs 31 with overtime shifts and no sleep. Cook clean sex to you and spoil you too. Whatever you want to do to the children including yours. Still smile soft and speak sweet no emotion. I was unpleasant to be around. Wanted peace when you brought chaos while I paid THE BILLS. WANT A TRADITIONAL wife labor with no traditional husbandry skills. No coverage, no safety, no marriage with protection, just expectations. Stack so high I disappear inside the pressure.

[00:04:10]Not the night I lay awake playing every word. Not the way I shrink myself to keep the peace. Not the way to walking on eggshells in my own home. No, the hurt was ignored, but my reaction became the focus. You leave me crying alone because I didn't watch my tone. I got too emotional. Meanwhile, anxiety and panic attacks screwing up my nervous system. But back in your arms, back to my source of comfort. Who first caus me the pain? And that's the part nobody talks about. How women get called wicked after surviving emotional war. Call me a wicked wife. Cuz I start letting your ego decide my life. Soon as I got exhausted from holding us up, trying to keep us tight. Suddenly I'm bitter, difficult, cold and hard to like wicked wise. That's what y'all call women with boundaries. Wicked wise. She stopped suffering happily. Funny how every good woman turned dangerous eventually after giving everything away in good faith.

[00:05:12]Repeat. I gave you everything I had on my time every dime. From picking out your drawers, cooking and cleaning and making your smoothies, looking after yours and mine. Why you teach what you don't believe in? Going out every night.

[00:05:21]What about family night? Yellow eyes, slur speech, then spirits on you like a leech. 3:00 in the morning, you're out partying and drinking. Still expecting me to be up, children sleep, hell, I'm sleep. Got an early morning, but get up now and go get your food, cuz that's what I do. Boy, you pass by 10 spots.

[00:05:37]Why don't you make that stop? I get up and do it anyway. I did everything you told me, but somehow I disobedient. Make it make sense. I tolerated your disrespect far too long. Listen, I'm not your hoe, not your [ __ ] boy. Who you think dealing with? Damn sick. You can spit. Yeah, I'm a daughter's iron.

[00:05:54]Better act like you know why you be lying. Just walk like Christ like Christ. Love like Christ. Practice what you preach. We be all good. That's what kept me confused. See monsters ain't monsters all the time. The constant love bombs, the mixed signals, the sudden acts of affection. That's why women stay. Nobody would survive. Constant darkness, without moments that feel like sunlight and blue rain. You don't want to. You don't want to. You want devotion without accountability.

[00:06:30]You want softness while giving aggression, loyalty, while breaking trust. And every woman becomes wicked the second she remembers herself.

[00:06:43]>> Now let's couple. You know I got them.

[00:06:45]Funny how I'm still rebuilding things.

[00:06:46]Somebody call Ayana to fix my life that you help destroy. Huh? I'm just playing.

[00:06:51]I know where my coming from. All pises to the most high. Still untangling death. Still carrying damage. Still healing and bruises you left behind. And somehow I'm supposed to feel shame. No, I moved in good faith. I loved in good faith. I kept silent in good faith. I trusted your words in good faith. Too bad the actions never follow. That doesn't make me stupid. Maybe naive, but it makes you dangerous. And to this day, I'm still waiting to be compensated for my narcissist and damages. Everything you took, boy, how you had access to everything, including me. But none of the liability trifling. Now I write book scripts to create art. And every project feels less like heartbreaking, more like evidence standing. Great court. You call me a wicked wife.

[00:07:44]All I wanted to do was love you. But now I see clearly. But I couldn't recognize you were crooked from birth. Wicked wise. Nah, I just got tired of dying slowly inside.

[00:08:01]Maybe I was never wicked.

[00:08:04]Maybe I just got tired.

[00:08:08]But you know what the Bible says? A wicked wife is getting to a wicked man.

[00:08:16]Examine yourselves, brothers.

[00:08:21]>> I think it's important to explain what life actually looked like once I moved there because I feel like people might have an idea in their head of what the situation was and it's most likely not that. This wasn't a normal relationship dynamic. There were multiple wives and everything was structured around him.

[00:08:38]None of the wives lived with him. We each had our own apartments and showed up for him on our assigned days. We each had days, specific days where we would spend the night at his house. And outside of those two days per week, you're pretty much on your own. Even the way that was set up didn't really make sense for me at least. I was in a position where I couldn't afford to pay rent on my own, which is why I had been living with my mom and saving my money.

[00:09:04]But when I moved, he had me get an apartment anyway under the agreement that he was going to be responsible for the rent and the bills. The first 3 months of rent were paid on my credit card with the understanding that it would be handled later, but it never was. So technically, it looked like my rent was being covered, but it was really my credit, my debt, and my responsibility. And I was only there for about 6 months. So despite being married, I wasn't actually living with my husband. We were wives, but we each maintained separate apartments and separate households. We were expected to function as wives, show up as wives, sacrifice as wives, and contribute as wives, but we weren't actually living with the man we were married to. He claimed his goal was to eventually get one big house for all of us to live in together. There were also expectations, things that were required from us, like no matter what, you needed to say good morning and good night every day. It didn't matter if he hadn't replied to your last text, hadn't called you all day, or if you guys were in conflict, you were still expected to say good morning and good night. Even if he didn't respond then, too. That was a non-negotiable. But when it came to him, there wasn't that same consistency. He would tell you in a heartbeat, "If he doesn't respond, you still need to keep texting him." And not anything he considered annoying. He'd say, "I'm going to ignore you sometimes." And if he didn't have a text from you when he woke up or when he went to sleep, even if he wasn't going to respond to you, there was hell to pay. I know that might not sound like a big deal at first, but over time, you start to understand why that was in place, because he could treat you however he wanted to, and you were still expected to show up the same way the next day. No accountability, no resolution, just move on and continue the routine like nothing happened. And that dynamic showed up in almost everything.

[00:11:01]We talked constantly about rules according to the Bible. A wife's role, submission, order, respect, what I was supposed to be doing, how I was supposed to behave, how I was supposed to speak, move, and respond. My role was always very clearly defined. But anytime I tried to understand what his responsibilities as a husband were supposed to look like according to scripture, especially when it came to provision, consistency, leadership, accountability, or how a wife should be treated, the conversation would shift.

[00:11:34]It would be I would be told there were no laws regarding what he was required to do as a husband, that I didn't know the Bible like he did, and I couldn't tell him what to do with our marriage.

[00:11:45]that he's the husband and how he chooses to run the marriage and deal with his wife is his prerogative. And that became confusing for me because the Bible does speak about husbands. When I'd bring up how it speaks about how husbands are supposed to love their wives, how they're supposed to lead, and how they're supposed to deal with their household, how scripture even uses the examples of the most high with Israel and Christ with the church as models for leadership, care, responsibility, patience, and guidance. He would say, "The scriptures are examples. I was presenting were not in the law.

[00:12:18]So over time, it started to feel like there was a very clear standard for me, but much less room to question whether those same standards were being applied equally to him. When it was your day, it wasn't just about spending time with him. You were expected to cook, clean, tend to the children, run errands, and make sure everything was handled. That included making sure his smoothies were ready, making sure the ingredients were stocked, and making sure there were already smoothies sitting in the fridge for him. Everything revolved around making his life easier.

[00:12:49]There were other things that stood out, too. His food is separate. His drinks are separate. His smoothies are separate. Everything had to be a certain way. his mostly vegan diet, organic food, specific products, certain drinks, glass water bottles while everyone else drank filtered water. There always seemed to be one standard for everyone else and another standard for him. At first, I tried to understand it, but over time, it started feeling less like leadership and more like hierarchy. His routine is the same almost every single day. He wakes up around 1:00 or 2:00 in the afternoon, goes on live or does a class, and then he stays in his room for hours. A lot of times he doesn't come out until 6:00 or 7:00 in the evening.

[00:13:35]There isn't much interaction with the kids. There isn't family time, and he would eat his own dinner separately. He doesn't get up in the morning to take the kids to school or spend time with them, not even on the weekends. That was on the wives. And even small things stood out to me. There was a time after my daughter was born and I took her back to Washington. I asked him to watch her for a few minutes while I washed the dishes and he told me no because he needed to go on a run. He told me to just put her in the high chair.

[00:14:06]Meanwhile, he wasn't helping with her or taking care of her at all. He had finally surfaced after being in his room all day and was going to continue to focus on himself instead of our child who he hadn't seen all week. I remember seeing how much some of the children simply wanted their father's attention.

[00:14:23]They wanted normal things, breakfast together, time together, presents, but mornings weren't really family time. He was usually asleep.

[00:14:33]And watching that really affected me because once I brought my daughter back and saw how she was being treated, I started asking myself what kind of relationship she would eventually have with her father if things continued this way. Around 8 or 9:00 p.m., he takes a shower, gets dressed up, dyes his beard, and leaves to go bar hopping six nights a week. Technically 7 because he usually stops by the bar before the sun goes down on the Sabbath. He calls it a presatical outing. And a lot of times, he usually invites out the wife he prefers to go drinking with him and spend time with him. Meanwhile, me and the other wife barely went out at all.

[00:15:10]We didn't get taken on dates. We didn't get that kind of time with him. So even outside of the structure of assigned days, there was still clear favoritism in who he chose to spend his time with.

[00:15:20]He would be gone all night, usually until around 2:00 in the morning, and then that's when what he considered quality time would happen from around 2 to 4 in the morning. But even then, it wasn't really connection. A lot of the time he was coming home intoxicated after being out all night. So what that time actually looked like was him loosening up from having drinks, having those kind of conversations, and then expecting intercourse. That was what was considered quality time. Even outside of that, there wasn't affection or closeness. He would get in bed with his eye mask on, his earplugs in on his side of the bed with a memory foam strip under him only and soothing sounds playing. No cuddling, no talking, no real connection. just a quick hello kiss when you come in and a quick goodbye kiss when you were on your way out. And honestly, it felt weird. When I first got there, he was very affectionate. I guess I can clearly see it all started with love bombing before he felt I was in deep enough to settle into his character. It felt emotionally disconnected and unavailable.

[00:16:29]There was no real bond anymore, no real presence, no real care. And being in that environment, you feel that because you were physically there, that counted.

[00:16:39]That was enough. I've been in relationships before. I understood what emotional connection looked like. But this felt different. There wasn't much affection. There wasn't much cuddling.

[00:16:50]There wasn't much emotional intimacy. I remember feeling emotionally lonely while being technically married. You can be physically next to someone and still feel completely alone. I would tell him how lonely I felt being states away from my entire family, completely alone unless I was seeing him and his older children. How it would be days at a time with no physical contact with another human, no hug, no face to face conversation, no affection at all. I literally had to ask for a hug and that seemed to annoy him. He even expressed to many people that I was too clingy.

[00:17:26]Meanwhile, everything else was on the wives. Getting the kids up, taking them to school, and handling the day-to-day responsibilities. That's not something he's involved in. And something else that's important to understand is how different this looked publicly. Before he took it down last week, he had a YouTube page called Priesthood Cause Family, where there are pictures and videos of all of us together like we're one big happy family, like we all got along, like there's love and unity. But that wasn't the reality. We barely spent any real time together. There wasn't a genuine bond between the wives. There was a lot of tension, jealousy, and conflict. And a lot of that was created.

[00:18:06]He would pit us against each other, compare us, use one to belittle another, and say things that would create insecurity and division. So instead of building unity, it created competition.

[00:18:18]I remember at one point he threatened to have his other two wives come to my apartment and beat me up. When it came time to record or post content, everything would be set up. Scenes would be created and we were expected to act a certain way on camera to make things look a certain way and make him look like a loving, present husband and father. So what people were seeing online was not what was actually happening behind the scenes. He has a very intentional image being presented publicly. And because people only see edited moments online, they have no idea what everyday life actually looks like behind the scenes. I'm glad he took that channel down because it wasn't even real. Something else I've had to come to terms with is the role I played in helping maintain that image because there were women who came to me for counsel, advice, support, or encouragement during that time. And a lot of the advice I gave came from the mindset I was living in myself.

[00:19:16]Believing endurance was righteousness.

[00:19:18]Believing the answer was to be more patient, quieter, softer, more submissive, more understanding while I was privately struggling myself. And looking back now, that honestly hurts me because while I genuinely believed I was helping at the time, I can now recognize that some women may have stayed in unhealthy or dangerous situations longer because of the way I encouraged them to keep enduring and looking inward instead of fully recognizing what was happening around them. And for that, I truly am sorry because the truth is I was also trying to convince myself that everything was okay. I was trying to reconcile the image being presented publicly with the reality I was actually living privately. And when you're in an environment where appearances are constantly being maintained, eventually you start helping maintain them, too. And this wasn't something I felt. This wasn't just something I felt.

[00:20:12]It was something that was visible. Even his own child saw it. She wrote this to him when she was 10 years old.

[00:20:20]And that wasn't just an isolated thing.

[00:20:22]There were conversations I had with the kids that stuck with me. They would tell me they didn't want to be there. They would ask if they could live with me.

[00:20:30]And that's not just something a child says for no reason. His daughter told me he had called her a [ __ ] She said it happened multiple times. He admitted to it, but he said it only happened once.

[00:20:43]But for me, once is enough. That's a child. And that hit me differently because by then I already knew how he spoke to the wives. I already knew how quickly he could become angry. And I already knew the things he was capable of saying. And immediately I started thinking back to when I first got to Washington. And this same daughter was telling me how she never wanted to get married at 9 years old. When I met her and he told her we weren't married yet, she told me to my face right in front of him that as soon as we got married, he's going to change. And that was another red flag. I also thought about my own daughter. Would I want a man speaking to her that way? Would I want her growing up believing that was normal? Would I want her watching her mother being spoken to that way? Those questions started becoming harder and harder to ignore. When I left earlier this year, his 15-year-old son even told him directly in front of me that he knew it was his dad's fault that I wanted to leave, that I was the fourth wife to leave him, and that my daughter would be another sibling he would lose. And hearing that come from a child says a lot because that means they're not just seeing what's happening, they understand it. Over time, I started noticing a pattern. He has multiple children and there are already some he doesn't have a relationship with, any contact with, or any custody or visitation rights with.

[00:22:07]He currently has seven children, and three of them he is not involved with, including our daughter. And I started to understand why.

[00:22:17]I lost two kids. I don't want to lose another one. I lost two kids. I don't want to lose another one. I I I don't have two of my children. I don't want to not have the third child just in December saying for me.

[00:22:47]By the time I got to this point, this wasn't just about how I felt emotionally. I had already given him tens of thousands of dollars since September. I had been transferring money to him consistently, trusting that it was being handled the way he said it would be. But by November, everything shifted. That's when the threat started.

[00:23:08]That's when he began saying he wasn't going to pay for anything anymore. That he would leave me in debt and that I would be stuck dealing with everything on my own. And that was terrifying for me because by that point, I had already become financially dependent on a situation that no longer felt emotionally or financially secure. This was after my credit had already been impacted, after my money was already gone. He already purchased a luxury vehicle in my name. So now I'm looking at the situation differently because it's not just about trying to make things work anymore. We already didn't have a legally traditional marriage. He didn't have any sort of life insurance policy set up that included me and I wasn't a joint account holder on any of his account nor a beneficiary. So if anything happened to him, I would have ultimately been left with nothing. It was no longer just about the relationship. It was about realizing that the position I was in was not safe, not stable, and not what I thought I was agreeing to. And another thing I started realizing was how vulnerable this type of arrangement could leave a woman financially and legally. Because despite functioning as a wife, sacrificing as a wife, contributing financially as a wife, and building my entire life around the situation, there were no real protections in place for me. By that point, I had already transferred him my disability income, savings, investments, and other resources. I had no job, no independent source of income, and physically could not work because of my injury. And that's when I started thinking much deeper about the kind of structure I was really in. Because I also started noticing a mindset where involving courts, legal systems or outside accountability was treated as evil, rebellious or out of order even in situations where women were left financially devastated, unsupported, mistreated or harmed. So the expectation became endure it privately, stay loyal, stay quiet, stay in order, do not seek outside help no matter what happens to you. And that realization honestly scared me because by that point I understood how easily a woman could give everything, lose everything, and still walk away with no protection, no resources, and no support. Looking back now, I can also see what all of this was doing to me. People hear these stories and focus on the events. But what I remember now is what those events were doing to me internally. I was becoming someone I didn't recognize. I was anxious all the time. I was constantly monitoring my words, my tone, my reaction, trying to avoid conflict. I was always trying to figure out what version of myself would create the least amount of tension. I was exhausted emotionally. I was questioning myself constantly. I was becoming smaller. I started doubting my instincts. I started doubting my judgment. I started believing that maybe everything really was my fault. And physically, my hair was falling out. My skin was breaking out. I could feel the stress too. The tension, the anxiety, the hyper vigilance, the feeling that I was always waiting for the next problem, the next criticism, and the next thing I had done wrong. I wasn't trying to mislead anyone. I was trying to convince myself that everything was okay. And when you're helping maintain that image publicly while suffering privately, you start believing parts of that image yourself. That's one of the hardest things I've had to come to terms with.

[00:26:37]And that's when I finally started seeing things for what they actually were.