🕯️⚖️☀️ "I WANT TO WANT" — When Your Heart Chooses the Lesser Light

Added: 2026-06-03

[00:00:00]St. Augustine had a problem.

[00:00:05]Not that he didn't know the good. He knew the good. He liked the good. He respected the good.

[00:00:12]He just had a scheduling conflict with the good. He once prayed.

[00:00:18]Give me chastity.

[00:00:21]But not yet.

[00:00:23]Lord, make me clean, but not today. I got a few small things still in the way.

[00:00:28]I know the sun. I chase the spark. I praise the dawn, then choose the dark.

[00:00:33]Not because evil looks so nice, but lower goods come wrapped in lights. A little comfort, a little flame, a little whisper that knows my name. And I know, I know this road gets old. I know the cup, but miss the gold. I know the feast, but take the crumb. Then wonder why my heart goes numb.

[00:00:54]Lord, I want to want what you want. I want to love what you love. I keep choosing candles when you're offering the sun. I want to want the greater good to see the feast and leave the crumb.

[00:01:08]Take this little broken yes and teach my restless heart to run.

[00:01:17]Liberum arbitrum that sounds refined.

[00:01:20]Latin for I'm free but not always wise.

[00:01:23]I arbitrate between the goods. I pick the branch and miss the woods. The body's good, the heart is too. The world is charged with gifts from you, but gifts make terrible little kings. They sit on thrones and pull the strings. And I know, I know this road gets old. I know the fire, but clutch the coal. I know the sea, but sit the rain, then call my thirst normal pain.

[00:01:48]Lord, I want to want what you want. I want to love what you love. I keep choosing candles when you're offering the sun. I want to want the greater good to see the feast and leave the crumb.

[00:02:02]Take this little broken yes and teach my restless heart to run.

[00:02:10]St. Andrew Wilders knew the lower flame.

[00:02:13]Knew the smoke and knew the shame. Not every wound was from the sword. Not every scar was for the Lord. But when they asked him, "Trade the creed, deny the church, deny the bread," he said it plain. No polished plea. A fornicator I always was a heretic. I will never be.

[00:02:35]He knew his wounds. He knew his king and would not crown a lesser thing.

[00:02:42]So if I fall, then let me rise. Not with excuses, not with lies, not making peace with dust and rust.

[00:02:52]But in my weakness, love and trust and not despairing when I see the war still raging inside of me. The saints were not unwounded stone. They were sinners carried home.

[00:03:09]I cannot even choose the light unless you move my will to side.

[00:03:18]Lord, I want to want what you want. I want to love what you love. I keep choosing candles when you're offering the sun. I want to want the greater good to see the feast and leave the crumb.

[00:03:33]Take this little broken yes and teach my restless heart to run.

[00:03:40]Lord, make me clean.

[00:03:42]No clever delay, no little claws that says not today.

[00:03:48]Take the ones beneath my will. Take the S that's breathing still. If I can't run, then let me crawl. If I can't stand, then let me call. If I can't love the way I should, then make me want the greater good.

[00:04:06]Lord, I want to want what you want. I want to love what you love. I keep choosing candles when you're offering the sun. I want to want the greater good to see the feast and leave the crumb.

[00:04:22]Take this little broken yes and teach my restless heart to run.

[00:04:29]Lord, make me pure.

[00:04:31]Lord, make me whole. Lord, make me free.

[00:04:36]And this time, not yet is not the answer.