The Iliad. But Everyone Is a Muppet

[00:00:00]Yes, you read that title correctly. This is a very serious adult and not immature topic at all. I am talking about my casting choices for The Muppets Iliad, which will be a film when I become a multi-billionaire and have access to the Muppets IP and I can pitch my sales to Disney company. This film has been in my head for well over a decade. We're coming probably close to two decades. I don't want to admit my age sometimes now, but this has been the subject of countless conversations with friends over the years and I have debated this so much with people outside of classics, within classics, and thus have come to this conclusion that I think I know who should play who. I think I know which muppets should play which characters.

[00:00:41]So, this is my definitive list. I keep changing certain characters. I need to make some form of definitive list that I can then direct people to when I have this conversation with them because I inevitably will have this conversation with them. And I know everyone is currently talking about the Odyssey right now, but if I'm being perfectly honest, I have a bit of Odyssey fatigue.

[00:01:02]And that has never happened to me before as someone who is in this space and reads it every year. And the reason I haven't chosen the Odyssey and rather the Iliad is because a I think the Muppets would make a better Iliad than they would an Odyssey. primarily because there are more main characters in the Iliad which would allow for greater puppet tree repertoire which is what I want to see in a Muppets film and secondly I think watching the Muppets fighting to the death would be hilarious honestly we never get to see them. We needed to see a new side of the Muppets and as a child one of my favorite episodes of Muppet Babies was uh Babes in Troyland so it only seems right to have built on from there even though they don't specifically go into the Iliad but they base it on the name.

[00:01:43]Okay, I don't know why Disney keeps rolling out bad liveaction remake after bad liveaction remake because they are sitting on the gold mine that is the Muppets IP. If you don't have the will to create original stories, okay, fine, but why waste all that money on tasteless, boring liveaction remakes when you could instead produce muppet versions of all of the classic films?

[00:02:07]Muppetify the Disney films. You will make so much more money than you do. And I'm saying this publicly now because Disney can pay me later because I have it on public record. I also have it written down when I came up with all these ideas. So come at me Disney. But I swear they would make three times the amount of money that liveaction remakes make with puppet versions of them.

[00:02:27]Picture copyrighted. I think the Muppet Beauty and the Beast would be brilliant. But the only human in the whole film is Beast, played by ideally Jason Mamoa.

[00:02:41]And then at the end of it, he becomes a handsome prince when he's transformed into Muppet Mamoa. Copyrighted mine.

[00:02:48]Tens of millions of dollars. Huge.

[00:02:50]Hundreds of millions of dollars idea.

[00:02:51]It'd be way better than the current live action remake. And of course, I will take a huge percentage of that because I am the originator of that idea. Thank you very much. It's public record. I will come for you, Disney. So, this is my very nerdy in-depth video about all the mapets that I want to see in the Iliad and why I've chosen who, where, and it's just because I need to get it out my system because I've been sitting on this for a while. But, you know what I should have done? I was debating if I should make my own like blog dedicated to my Muppet casting choices. And if I were to do that, today's sponsor, Porkburn, would be fantastic for it because it would be just what I need.

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[00:04:54]I will link it down below and it's on the screen now. And you can get your blog domain from Porkbun while the offer lasts. Thank you, Pork Bum, for sponsoring today's video. And now, let's get into the Muppets. So, let's start with the main guy, Achilles. So, Achilles is obviously the greatest Greek warrior of all history, but in the Iliad, this is a man who is so proud.

[00:05:19]He's also intensely emotional. He spends like 90% of the Iliad crying in a corner, having a strop with his mommy, sort of patting his head and speaking for him or on his behalf. And it's terrible. It's really mummy boy behavior. But then when his bestie and lover in certain retellings of the myth, Petetro dies, he unleashes this violent rage that has been consuming him inwards and then he spreads it outwards and just slaughter so many Trojans in one go.

[00:05:49]It's it's very graphic and quite intense. And there is only one muppet for this role in my opinion. And that muppet is animal. No Muppet can have a strop like him and no one can also be so vicious. He is the key to that role. It is going to be animal no matter what.

[00:06:07]Also someone of very few words which Achilles is. Now let's move on to said partner Petroas. Now Petetro is lovely.

[00:06:15]He is a compassionate, gentle, loyal friend who also, let's give him credit where credit's due, has intense bravery to dawn Achilles's armor on behalf of his fellow Greeks who are being slaughtered by the Trojans and whose ships are now at risk of being burned down. Now, Achilles gives Petropolis permission to wear his armor in the hopes that he will just stand there and scare all the Trojans away. But the brave Trojan Hector rises to the challenge and slaughter poor Petetroas thinking it is the great Achilles. Now this is a very emotional moment but for comedic effect because after all this is the Muppets I think the best Petroas would be Rizzo the rat because I would like to see his teeny tiny body wearing very oversized armor looking nothing like animal not looking terrifying at all but scaring the living daylights out of all the other Muppets. And also he has a little heart of gold. Everyone will be sad when Rizo the rat is taken out by Hector. So yes, that's my petetro. Now I've taken this very seriously and usually in a lot of Muppet films there is a human and I think that the human role in this film should go to Thetus who is Achilles's mother and I think that should be played by whatever actress they deem available. I haven't got a specific one in mind because they'll pick a random celebrity. I know they will. They'll pick they'll run over my heads and pick a random lady celebrity. But because I couldn't think of a muppet who would play Thetus, I think that should be the human in the Muppet film of The Iliad. So the next one would be Agamemnon. This is the king of Mcini and the commander of the Greek army. This is who Achilles has a fight with. Now this man is arrogant. We hate him so much. He is prideful and insecure, but he is a great leader. We can't really doubt him there. But for this character, it has to be Sam Eagle because Sam Eagle having a massive fight with animal is biblical in nature and should be presented on screen. Now, obviously, before I go on to the next character, I have to address the elephant in the room, or rather the pig in the room, Helen of Troy. That sounds derogatory, but Helen of Troy will be played by Miss Piggy. That's so easy.

[00:08:20]Nothing else needs to be said about it.

[00:08:21]It makes perfect sense. But the reason I mention Miss Piggy now is because it made the next character really hard. And this was a heated debate between a lot of us of who should play her husband, Menaaus or Menaus as some people say.

[00:08:34]I'm sure you're all thinking, well, if Menaaus is Helen of Troy's husband, then obviously it has to be Kermit the Frog if you're putting Miss Piggy as Helen of Troy. No, no, I refuse. I know a lot of people want me to, but I refuse. I have greater plans for Kermit. He is not my Menaaus, and I will not cast him for a role just to play into the Hollywood story of those two being together. They deserve to be seen as individual muppets in their own right, okay? They're not always a couple. So, my Menaus is Ralph the dog. Now, Adysius is really easy one for me. Obviously, he has a much smaller role in the Iliad than the Odyssey, but he's still there. He's still very clever. He's diplomatic. He's pragmatic.

[00:09:14]And considering he's also a bit of a storyteller, and that will become a greater role in my second film, which is obviously The Muppets Odyssey following on, it'll be Gonzo. I think Gonzo is the perfect Odysius. I think he'll be great in my second film, the maps it odyssey, but for now it will always be Gonzo. I think he just he just plays the narrator role really well. The storyteller role just fits him and it works. It works.

[00:09:36]Then we have Ajax the Great. Now this is the warrior who is second to Achilles in battle in terms of his fierceness and like strength and brutality. Now he is called Ajax the Great because of his colossal frame. This man is not a small man by any means. We know from mythology he's a little bit mentally unstable. Um he is the one that is responsible for grabbing the body of Achilles off uh the battlefield. I believe with the help of Athena they take him off the battlefield but then he and Adysius fight. This is not in the Iliad later but they fight over the armor and Ajax loses against Adysius and he stabs himself because he just goes mad that he doesn't have the armor. Bit of a funny character. I mean, anyone would go mad after a 10-year war.

[00:10:24]I don't blame him at all. So, he's obviously this colossal character, which makes most people think that the right person for this role, or rather the right muppet for this role, would be the biggest muppet we have, which would be like Sweetums, or even if they want to blend in Sesame Street Big Bird. But hear me out, I don't pick either. I know people want to. I'm not picking either because again this is the Muppets and I think it'd be much funnier to have Ajax the Great played by Pepe the King Prawn.

[00:10:56]Next we have Netor. So Nester is the elder statesman. He is known for his very very very long but wise speeches.

[00:11:04]He likes to talk. He's a talkative chap.

[00:11:05]Uh he's also incredibly diplomatic. He's very, you know, nostalgic. Um he's he's sensible. He's a sensible man. I think he would be played best by Dr. Benson, honeydew. It just fits. He likes to talk, doesn't he? Now, we're getting into the section. Okay, we have got to have Diamedes in this because I don't think Diamedes gets the recognition he deserves or the attention he deserves.

[00:11:28]This man is the whole package. You know, he shines up everyone basically aside from Hector. We'll come back to that because although Damedes is the youngest of the Akan kings, he's also considered the most experienced leader out of all of them. He's also again alongside Achilles here in skill. Like he's very high up. He's known for his skills on the battlefield as well as being as cunning as Adysius. And this is shown because he and Adysius are the only Akan heroes who participate in covert military operations that demand all the things like discipline, bravery, courage, cunning, resourcefulness. The guy is an absolute dreamboat in terms of war. Again, I don't know why Achilles gets all the attention when Diamedes is on the same battlefield. So, with all this in mind, how much I love Diamedes, how much attention I want to give to him, and how much his character I believe needs to be represented fully, I'm going to give this role to Bean Bunny. Now, honestly, I was considering Scooter. Uh, I debated it, but then I came up with other plans for Scooter, which I will share obviously. Um, so I think Bean Bunny deserves to be playing the very much overlooked role, and I think you can't ignore Bean Bunny. He'll bring attention that Diamedes deserves.

[00:12:40]So, there are obviously more characters in the Greek camp, but obviously I have to be realistic. This is a children's film technically after all. It's probably only going to fit to 180 minute frame. So, all the other background characters will be other Muppets, but I will insist on having Calcus, who is the prophet. Um, he serves the Greek army as an interpreter between, you know, what the gods will for them. And from this it makes sense now to put in Swedoms cuz I think Sweetums just has the look of a prophet, you know, someone who's engaging with the gods. So Sweetums will be that role. So now we move over to the Trojans starting with the man who caused this damn war, Paris himself. That little weasel. I really just like Paris.

[00:13:23]This is no reflection to the map I choose, okay? You know, he chose Aphrodite as the most beautiful of the three goddesses to have the golden apple because she bribed him with the most beautiful woman, Helen of Troy, as his reward for picking her. So, Helen is obviously under the goddess's spell to go with Palis. And Paris, quite frankly, is rather pathetic in the war, and he's quite useless. I don't mean this in a horrible way towards the Muppet. I say this very reluctantly because the Muppet I have chosen is one of my favorite Muppets of all time. I think he's absolutely darling, but he will do the reputation of Paris I think he deserves.

[00:14:00]I'm picking Beaker. Bea will be Paris.

[00:14:03]It'll be It's just fantastic. It's just fantastic that Piggy is pulled into this and a whole war happens because of Bea. It's just It's just brilliant. I love it. I love it already. I can see the vision.

[00:14:16]But then that moves me on to my favorite character, Hector. I love Hector so much. Hector is the prince of Troy. And what a man. He's honorable. He's loving.

[00:14:26]He's protective. He's courageous. Just beautiful. You know why? Why do men idolize Achilles? The whiny, silky little Achilles who just sits in the corner the entire time. They have no idea. Hector is like Damedes. The whole package. And perhaps this is my bias, but because how much I love Hector, I think he would be played wonderfully by Kermit the Frog, which also allows for Kermit and Miss Piggy to have more screen time uh to a piece of fans. Uh, but they are in no way romantically connected, but they will be on the same screen at the same time, which I think works out better. Also, okay, this is maybe my dark humor showing here. But I think Kermit the Frog will look best being dragged around the walls of Troy by a chariot with his little arms like flailing around. I just think it just will really add to the scene. There'll be memes galore, gifts galore of that scene. It'll be brilliant. Fantastic.

[00:15:14]And then we have Pry, who is the king of Troy. He is a father of Hector and he too is lovely. We love him so much. I love the Trojans, quite frankly. I feel sorry for them. I can't deny it, but I do love the Trojans. So, Pry, he's gentle. He's compassionate. He is caring. He is wise and dignified. Very humble. His story is absolutely heartbreaking. He's the only one that can bring down Achilles's rage and heartlessness to actually be become a human for a moment. And I think this role would be best served by Fuzzy Bear.

[00:15:43]And then we have Andromeaki. So, okay, this is my problem. The Muppets do not have many women muppets, which makes roles very difficult. But I think I've worked it out. Don't worry about it. So Andromeaki is the wife of Hector. And again, this woman is beautiful. She's compassionate. She's very protective.

[00:16:00]She's a sensible woman. Uh she's loving.

[00:16:02]And her fate is so devastating. And so this is going to be my controversial choice of the Muppets. It's going to be really controversial for all the Muppet fans out there. And I'm just basically going to feed off that rage in the same way clearly Nolan evidently did because it didn't hurt him financially, did it?

[00:16:19]Really evidently. So, my androachi, I'm going to cast Denise. Yep. I've gone and put Denise and Kermit together, and that's going to be my controversial casting. It'll rile up all the discourse in the film before it's released.

[00:16:33]Brilliant. Genius. Just give me my paycheck now. Okay. And then we have Hecuba. Hecupa is the wife of Pry and the mother of Hector. And she, as the queen of Troy, she's this woman with a spirit of steel. You know, she is proud, she is strong willed, and she's incredibly practical. And I'm going to give this role to Beverly Plume. Now, I know what people are going to say.

[00:16:54]They're going to be like, "What about Camila the Chicken? I'm not excluding Camila the Chicken from the Iliad intentionally." It's just that I obviously have to reserve her for my sequel, The Odyssey, where she will play Penelope, waiting for Gonzo's Adysius.

[00:17:08]See, Muppet fans will get that. So, I can't I I'm playing the long game here, okay? I'm not ignoring Camila. She's just going to be Penelope in my next film. Now, as again I reiterate, this will like this will be have to be a children's film. I'm going to try and pull these characters down a little bit so they don't get overwhelmed with how many people there are because there are a lot. So, these characters will be in the film, but they won't have a huge buildup to them. But, I'm going to have Anias, who is obviously the Trojan soldier who will go on to star in the Anid Rome's epic poem by Virgil. And I want him to be played by Walter. I think Walter will make a cute little Anias.

[00:17:45]And then we have Leoan and his sons. And that Leoan is the priest who warns the Trojans not to accept the Trojan horse.

[00:17:52]But then uh he is crushed and his children are crushed by sea serpents sent by the gods because he sort of gave it away. Uh I'm going to have Leo on played by Joe the legal weasel. And I'm going to have two little baby weasels muppets uh brought alongside him. So they will be included and it'll be devastating when they get taken off.

[00:18:11]They won't get crushed. I promise I'll just get chased off screen by a big snake serpent thing. And then obviously I can't ignore Cassandra. She's such a big role. We can't cut her out. So I'm going to cast Janice as Cassandra because she's allergic to lying. And the fact that everyone accuses her of lying will be a really funny in joke for the fans. Okay, that's where we're going.

[00:18:30]And now we get to go to the gods. Now not all the gods are in the Iliad. Only some have a major role. So I'm going to cast the main ones who are the the gods who supported the Greeks who are Hera, Athena, and Poseidon. And those who support the Trojans who are Apollo, Aphrodite, and Aries. And then you obviously have Zeus, who is neutral, but never really neutral, but people persuade Zeus to take their side. So Hera, I have to give the role to Mar, Fy Bear's mom. She gets really overlooked, but I think she has a fierceness to try and like batter down Zeus to go her way.

[00:19:03]Similarly, we have Athena, who I'm going to give to Yolanda Rat because she's intelligent. She took a course and I think she will be a great representative of the fierceness and representative of, you know, these wise, fierce little rats on the battlefield. And again, it would be symbolic when Rizzo the rat takes the battlefield in Achilles's armor and Yolanda is up there looking. I think it would be poetic. Okay, Poseidon is going to be the Swedish chef. He's going to be great in the Odyssey with a little I'm gonna have him have a little spoon instead of a trident and he's gonna be stirring up the seas. It's gonna be great. Wait until the second film. I can see it all. And then Apollo is going to be played by Scooter. I think Scooter really suits Apollo and also because he is the director, the person who's running the show. It makes sense that Apollo will have that kind of role as well. So, I'm going to cast for Aries Uncle Deadly. Now, I know Uncle Dudley looks like he'd be a great Hades or Kades, and he would. He would, but he doesn't show up in in this really. They prayed to him a couple of times, but he doesn't show up. So, I'm going I think he'll make a cool dark looking Aries as the god of war. That's quite cool. So, I think I'm giving it to Uncle Deadly. For Aphrodite, I'm going to cast Annie Sue Pig, which is a smaller role. Annie Sue Pig is Mrs. Piggy's rival back in like episode 302 and she's like a young little pig that she's a little bit jealous of. But because they look similar, I'm going to bring her back as Aphrodite because Piggy obviously represents Helena Troy, the most beautiful woman in the world. And Aphrodite gave her over. There's a con.

[00:20:34]There's a visual consistency there that I want to lean in on. And for Zeus, we have to have the not the one and only, the two and only Statatler and Wardorf.

[00:20:43]They are going to be the greatest Zeus.

[00:20:44]Again, I'm going to split it like Marley and Marley. There's going to be Zeanus.

[00:20:48]I'm going to have like Zeanus and they're going to be fighting and then they'll keep debating with all the gods as they're trying to win their favor. I think it'll be hilarious. It's going to be great. I can't wait to launch this film. Go find me down below. No, there's not. So, that is my casting of The Muppets Iliad. I think it'll be brilliant and I'll obviously be incredibly successful with my first film, which will give me the rights to then do the Odyssey. And then we're just going to go from there. I have to recast people. I have to reconfigure. There are limited Muppets. I may have to bring in Sesame Street just to just balance it all out. But because I'll be so successful with my Iliad, we'll probably have the funding to launch more or make more puppets, which would be great.

[00:21:27]There'll be more Muppets on the scene that become future creatures for the rest of the franchise. I put it out there into the universe now. So Disney owes me. They're going to steal my idea.

[00:21:37]Just saying. But thank you as always for your support, your wonderful, kind support. I really do appreciate it. For some reason, the file's not working on my screen on my main tier Patreons. I'm going to try and think top of my head if I can think of all the patronons without seeing them on screen. We have Eric Taylor, Joshua Heredia, Gil the Gilded Dragon, Lady of the Labyrinth, Ellen Holly is autistic, Ivonne and Ivonne, Kevin Lee Solo, Jenny Edain, Marina, We Lauren, Nicholas Reed, and Andy Brazil.

[00:22:07]Thank you ever so much as always, and I hope you are happy and healthy. And remember, books save lives, so keep reading.