How the entire community knew what happened & the stigma that almost destroyed me in pieces

Added: 2026-05-13

[00:00:00]I think I was not supposed to be alive.

[00:00:02]I lost my virginity through rape. Me loving money. I was like, we do want the money. He said to us, um, follow me so that I can give you the money. Out of the blue, we just hear gun points. And he said to me, remember if you want to come out alive, you need to do what? To follow what I'm telling you to do. While he was raping me, he said to me, scream to show that you are enjoying. He said to me, you have nice legs. You are so beautiful. you don't deserve what I'm doing to you. The next day I went to the hospital to see the psychologist. The lady asked me what happened. I explained to her and then she said to me, "You love things so much." Started to attend cases and then they were postponed 2018 postponed. I never got a chance to stand for myself and explain what happened. You understand?

[00:00:53]>> In court?

[00:00:54]>> Yes. I never got that chance. Even a single even today I don't know where my case ended.

[00:01:08]>> Hola Sam fam what is it or >> come on comment down below. Are we saying it okay?

[00:01:21]Ciaoani murder aunt and welcome to another episode of I've been through the most podcast right here on Saint Twins TV.

[00:01:34]I'm Innocent and this is Millisent and together we are the Saint Twins.

[00:01:40]>> If you are not already a subscriber, what are you waiting for? You cannot be watching an episode without being a subscriber. It's absolutely free. So do it right now before even watching this episode. We're also available on social media. So please make sure that you go and follow us there. Like there and comment on our post and let us know that you are coming from YouTube or wherever you are listening from. Middle. We not only on YouTube. Where else can they listen to us? You can listen to us on our audio platforms on Spotify as well as Apple podcast. Make sure to leave a like and a comment. I see the interaction is growing on a daily basis.

[00:02:20]Absolutely love it. And also make sure you do not skip the ads right here on YouTube to make sure we keep the lights on, we keep our team, and we keep bringing the episodes week in and week out. That's right. Let's get into our story today. Langutani, welcome to the podcast. Thank you.

[00:02:38]>> Did she say your name right?

[00:02:40]>> Did I say it right?

[00:02:41]>> Yes, ma'am.

[00:02:42]>> Lord, >> shout out Sa girl. Shout out Sa girl.

[00:02:47]>> Oh, wow.

[00:02:48]>> Welcome to the podcast.

[00:02:49]>> Thank you so much.

[00:02:51]>> Um, can you give us a back um background introduction of who you are?

[00:02:57]>> Okay. Um, let me start by introducing myself. Uh, people out there, they know me as a poet and >> uh, okay. Um, So, wow.

[00:03:39]>> Wow. Love it.

[00:03:43]>> Okay. Um, my name is Langutan.

[00:03:48]>> I'm I'm turning 25 this year. Yes. 1st July. It's my birthday.

[00:03:53]>> So, I grew up in Chabani village of Buisi village. Mhm.

[00:03:58]>> Yes. That's where I come from. Um I have three siblings and I'm a mother.

[00:04:04]>> Yes. I'm a product of teenage pregnancy.

[00:04:09]>> Okay.

[00:04:09]>> Okay. Yes. Um the reason I'm mentioning that is because I wrote a book uh from childhood.

[00:04:17]So that book also include the story of how I I became pregnant. And my second book will be talking about how teenage pregnancy affected me.

[00:04:29]>> You understand? Yes. So that is the reason I'm mentioning that. But otherwise I love my baby girl so much.

[00:04:36]And I thank God for blessing me with her >> because I feel like she saved my life.

[00:04:41]The moment that I wanted to commit suicide, I was like, "No, I'm doing this for my daughter." You understand?

[00:04:48]>> Yes. So ish I think already I've explained too much introduction.

[00:04:54]>> Yes. But yes, that's who I am.

[00:04:57]>> Yes.

[00:04:57]>> Awesome. And I love that in your poem. I mean you speak about being a Tonga girl.

[00:05:02]>> Proudly Tonga girl. We're actually saying off air that you know we actually Tonga. You know our father is isa because daddy you were missing in action. Now we don't even know how to speak the language. But we learn. But we learned so we are aligned, you know. So let's hear your story. What brings you here today?

[00:05:23]>> Oh my god. Um I've been through the most.

[00:05:29]>> Um and what brings me here?

[00:05:32]It's because I wrote a book and everyone want to know why I wrote that book and why the name of the book is from childhood.

[00:05:44]Um, I wrote that book because I'm sharing a trauma or a story of how I grew up. So, basically, oh, I forgot to say that I am a woman of God.

[00:05:56]>> I believe in God.

[00:05:59]>> So, okay, God has been in my life. You know, it's God for me to be sitting here today >> because I think I was not supposed to be alive.

[00:06:09]>> So, this is what happened. I'll just give a summary but I have a main story that brought me here.

[00:06:16]>> Okay.

[00:06:16]>> Okay. So this is what happened in my childhood and this is what people will find in my book.

[00:06:23]I grew up in Okay. Actually when I was still growing up at home there was an uncle that uncle will come at come in Alexandra right and then when he come he will forth um him like he How can I put this? He will I don't know if I can use the word violate me >> because he will just uh be kind to me trying to be kind actually he will say say you know and I'll feel comfortable to go to him and then when I'm with him he will force his tongue inside of my mouth like kissing me and then while he's doing that he will he was busy >> inserting his um fingers inside my >> private part you understand and that I was still around um 5 to 6 years old.

[00:07:16]>> You understand?

[00:07:17]>> He did not get a chance whereby he raped me.

[00:07:22]>> But I I think if he had a chance, he was going to do that >> because every time each and every time when he got a chance, he will do that, you know.

[00:07:35]>> And that affected me as I grow up, but story of another day. So back at home as I' I've mentioned that I was staying in the village. So the my grandfather was very abusive will beat us and sometimes beat my grandmother in front of us and also chase us away. You understand? So when he chase us away we used to go to friends seek place to sleep or stay for a week. Um I was not even in grade seven when all this were happening our years and I remember the trauma that happened most when I was in grade four five you understand. Yes.

[00:08:21]>> And then another story I lost my virginity through rape.

[00:08:28]>> And I was raped by another uncle.

[00:08:31]>> You understand? Oh my god.

[00:08:35]Oh Jesus, it feels like I'm taking myself back.

[00:08:39]>> So how I was okay, how I escaped to be raped by an old man, a someone's grandfather or I can also say my grandfather but not my bical grandfather in a way of respecting. No, he was not a family.

[00:08:56]>> Yes, we were just working with my friend and then he showed us coins. He was he was like um h don't you want the money me loving money I was like we do want the money and we were in a bushy place and then he said to us um follow me so that I can give you the money the moment he started to lead the way my friend ran and then I was confused why she was running you understand and how old were you at this point >> I think I was uh I cannot tell But maybe around my mom before this happened before I was in grade seven. Okay.

[00:09:37]>> All these primary.

[00:09:38]>> Yes. In primary. And um so he said to us uh we should follow him. So my friend ran and then when she ran I was like why are you running? Cuz you want to give us money. And she was like no he don't want to give us money because if he wanted to give us money he was supposed to give us money right where we are.

[00:09:56]>> Because he has it.

[00:09:57]>> Yes. Why are we going inside the bush place? And then >> that's where my mind got up. I was like, girl, run. And then that's where I ran and I saved my life or I can say I escaped. And then I was also raped by a guy. Um I don't know if I'm using the right word to say.

[00:10:17]>> Um I knew him as a gay. I'm sorry if I'm not using the correct word. Uh I I maybe I didn't know that he was bisexual or I I don't know. So we were playing those child games and then you I don't know if you ina we call it I had something like Yes. Those games >> like you're playing house.

[00:10:42]>> Yes.

[00:10:42]>> Hide and seek.

[00:10:43]>> Yes. House. Yeah.

[00:10:45]>> That one house. And he was like I'm the father when I the mother. Let's go and sleep you know. And I ran at that time around that time that's where he got opportunity to do what?

[00:10:56]>> To to rape me.

[00:10:58]>> Was he the same age with you?

[00:11:00]>> No, he was born 1997 and I was born 2001.

[00:11:07]>> Okay.

[00:11:08]>> So he was older.

[00:11:10]>> Yes, he was.

[00:11:10]>> So he he was aware of what he was doing.

[00:11:13]Was he aware that he's violating you at the time or is still playing? Like how do you understand? Like because I feel like >> this could help someone cuz it happens so often. You know, kids >> at that age need to be aware of what they are doing.

[00:11:30]>> Yes. Um I'm not sure if he knew what he was doing to me. And anyway, he passed away.

[00:11:37]>> So he's no longer alive. Maybe one day I was going to go to him and say, "Yeah, >> do you know what what what you did really affected me so much?" But anyways, it's life. So, let's go to the story that brought me here.

[00:11:52]>> I was raped by a stranger. Uh 2016 12th July. Uh this story happened in this way. Okay. I was saying the reason I I I chose to come here and open up up about the stories because it happened back in the villages and everyone knew about it.

[00:12:10]You understand? And I had to walk with that stigma of being raped and people calling me names. You understand? So it happened in this way. Um 12th July 2016, right? I was working with my then boyfriend you know the time puberty stage. I have a boyfriend. So we were from his place and I was with we were four. It was four of us. It was me, him and two of his friends. And then when we were walking and his two friends said, "Let's use this way." And then we were like, "No, as we're using this way because I need to pass by and fetch my younger brothers who I whom I left like um um I left them with my grandmother on my father's side when I was going to see him." So I was like, "No, I need to fetch them so that I can go with them."

[00:13:08]to my mother, you understand? So, we chose that way. The moment we were still, we were like walking.

[00:13:16]Um, we were just talking, you understand?

[00:13:20]Girlfriend and boyfriend talking about everything that is happening in the village since I I was staying now I was staying this side in Alexandra with my mother. So, I just visited that site.

[00:13:31]You understand? If you don't you did not see someone for a very long time, you have a lot to catch up. So we were just talking and then out of the blue we just hear gun points. You understand? It was two guys. The other one was pointing at me. The other one was pointing at him.

[00:13:47]You understand? And then they told us to shoot sit uh there was a cow wash an old cow wash there and then after it was a bushy place and there there is a bridge there. You understand? So, okay. It was around 5 5:00 p.m. And then, you know, around winter it gets dark quickly.

[00:14:15]>> Exactly. So, we sat there until around 6 when they saw that now, now it's dark, dark, dark, dark. Um, they told us uh to get inside the place under the bridge.

[00:14:28]We followed the rules. Remember, we're appointed with what? with guns >> and we followed the rules and they told us that if you want to come out alive you need to follow you understand you need to follow what we are telling you to do.

[00:14:44]>> So okay we did as they instructed us. We followed them. The other one was behind the other one was at the back and then we were in the middle and then they told us um to to get inside. we got inside and then um they told the guy to lie down and to to close his eyes and lie down. So he was like this and he laid down with this part. You understand? So and the other guy said to me, >> I'm sorry he said to me um go with me follow me. So I followed him and then when I followed him, we got inside the the inside the bushy place far away from the the guy. So the other one was left with the guy I was with and the other one >> took you away >> to the bush side. Yeah.

[00:15:36]>> Yes. And then when we got there, he said to me, "If you want to come out, oh, I forgot to mention that the guys had a school bag. That school bag was carrying knife, school driver and everything that could have ended my life. It was there inside that school bag. So >> So when he threatened you, you believed him when he says, >> you know, your life could end. You >> Yes, I believed him cuz I saw everything. And he was also carrying a >> a rod that that one that looked like a gold stick. So meaning that he could anything that he wanted to do he will do that you understand.

[00:16:16]>> So okay I followed him and on the other side remember is caring what the god so I followed him and then we got under this tree uh he said to me let's wait here and he said to me remember if you want to come out alive you need to do what to follow what I'm telling you to do and he said to me bring your phone. I gave him my phone and then um he said to me, "Take off your pants." You understand? Uh I did took off my pants, my underwear. And then he said to me, "Um I don't know if I'm allowed to to to mention the style's name, but he told me to do a certain style." And then he said he started to rape me. And while he was raping me, he said to me, "Scream to show that you are enjoying."

[00:17:10]>> And then I had to fake screaming. And he also said to me, "Shake your waist to so that I can enjoy what you're doing." I had to do that. Remember, I'm saving my life, babe. Um, >> you understand? So, I did as he was instructing me. And after when we were done he said to me he he gave me my phone and said to me can you uh open your phone I opened the phone and he told me to remove the password and everything. I did that and then he said to me don't you have pornography and I was like no I don't have I don't watch such >> and he said you don't have data so that we can check some and I was like no like likey I did have data but where we were remember it's a bushy place no network and I believe that >> that is how God saved me and >> oh my god and okay he said to me uh go go through your gallery I went through and then he was like h let me see your pictures and then he he was busy >> scrolling scrolling watching my pictures zooming them and he say to me you have nice legs you are so beautiful you don't deserve what I'm doing to you >> I thought oh okay uh at least he can see what he's doing is not fair and then >> while I thought it's done he said to me Maria you're so beautiful while zooming my legs inside the And he said to me, let let's just do it for the last time. You understand? And we had to go back under that tree. And then I did the same style that he told me to do. And he started to rape me. And also told me to scream. And while I was screaming was like, "No, I can't hear you. Scream at least louder so that I can hear you. You understand?" And then I did as he was instructing me to do.

[00:19:09]And then after um after I did that, I dressed up and then I remember him giving me a gun. He said to me, "Shoot me." And I was like, "No, I can't do that. Do do that. I'm a child of God. I don't do such." You understand? I think he just wanted to see if I will shoot him. Cuz he started by asking me if >> uh after that I'm going home or I'm going to report him to the police. And I said, "No, I I want to report you. I'm going home." Remember, I won't say anything because I'm scared for my life.

[00:19:43]And I was like, "No." And he was like, "Take the gun and shoot me." And I was like, "I don't know. I don't do such."

[00:19:49]And he was like, "You have a great heart." And I was like, like I was just agreeing with him. Yeah.

[00:19:56]>> And then he said, "Uh, okay." After when we we went back that other side, I was scared that maybe the guy have killed that other guy. The guy I was with is my then boyfriend or maybe they killed him cuz >> sure such trauma.

[00:20:13]>> Oh yo. So um I was scared, you understand? So when we got there, he was not moving. He was strict.

[00:20:21]So I I was like, God, I don't know what is it that I'm going to tell his parents if me they don't do anything and he's no longer alive. What is it that I'm going to say? On the other you, I never prayed like that day inside of my heart. I didn't know that I can pray using the heart until I went through that situation, you know. Um always I always look at the scripture of Isaiah chapter 6 verse one when it says um prophet Isaiah he says in the year that king Uzia died I saw the Lord meaning that in that year he was grieving but he saw the lord >> so in that situation I saw the lord I don't want to lie because that guy those guys actually they were carrying weapons but they did nothing to me to harm me. I can say he only raped me but he did nothing to harm me. And that's how the the verse that says no weapon formed against you shall prosper existed in my life or still existing even today.

[00:21:26]>> And >> so the guy okay since we went we went back okay it started to move and then I felt comfortable.

[00:21:36]Thank you. I felt relieve relieved. You understand? So, okay. Um, oh my god, it's funny how people can do things out there. So, when we got there, the other guy said to him, to his friend, >> um, look after this guy so that even me I go and and do at least some rounds.

[00:21:56]>> And I was like, God, God, God, God. And the other one that I was with, he said, no, feel sorry for her. Have sympathy on her because um, he said, happy. She's so calm. She's so humble. Al so at least to feel sorry for her and he listened. I I feel like that guy is scared of the one the boss I think is the one that was with me. You understand? So >> okay. Um you know what after he said that he said no you know what is it that we can do when I wake up? They told the boyfriend >> and so he woke up and then they said to me I should take off my pants and my underwear and then we have sex in front of them.

[00:22:41]>> So I think he was trying to do what? To kill the the evidence. You understand?

[00:22:45]In case when I I I go and report him when they say it's this way. You understand? So I think he was trying to to do what to do that. So I wanted to refuse but I remember when we were in in grade seven um my my l teacher meava she said to us um your life is important than anything.

[00:23:12]If you meet a guy and they try to take your phone or anything save your life do anything that they can do and but save your life. those words they came back and I was like no remember these guys are carrying weapons they can do anything to us if I want to >> to to to have some conflict with them so let me just do as they instructing us so I laid down and then the guy came I'm just glad that he did not insert his penis inside of me you understand so >> we just pretended as if we are we just pretended and then They left us and they said h just do whatever that we told you to do. We're coming out. We will tell you to come out. I mean we're going we'll tell you to come out. So it happened that um the moment we did not hear the footsteps we we just >> up and then they came back to check and he was so angry. was like, "You guys are playing with me. You're playing with you think I'm I'm playing with you, you know." And we had to pretend again, you understand? Until they left. And then when he was outside, that's why he >> and told us like, "Hey, come out. We're leaving." I still remember his voice when he said, "Hey, woman, we know and go home." Like, "Hey guys, come out and go home." You understand? So I we we Yeah, that's how we stood up. And then the guy asked me what what is it that was happening? And at that moment we both don't have our phones at home. They busy looking for me.

[00:24:47]>> So these guys took your phones.

[00:24:49]>> Yes. Both of Yeah. Yeah. The other one took the boyfriend's phone. The other one took my phone. Yeah. You understand?

[00:24:55]So, and then that's how we we do what we stood up and then we started to dress up and then the guy asked me um what is it that was happening when I was that sight I could not even see >> I cried and then he was like I'm sorry about everything that time he don't even have his shoes he took the shoes like that guy and took his belt you understand so >> and Then that I I explained to him I told him that he raped me and I'm not going to to keep quiet about this situation regardless of how it looks like the Holy Spirit was in that place.

[00:25:37]I knew what is it that was going to happen with me like the stigma cuz I told him I don't care what will people say about this but I'm going to to the clinic to save my life. What if it's HIV positive? I don't want to. You understand? What if I'm pregnant? you understand?

[00:25:54]>> And um the guy said, "Okay, Lang, I'll support you with where I can." And then was like, "What's way forward?" I'm like, "Let's go straight to the clinic."

[00:26:05]Because we we used to learn at school that we after rape you go straight to the clinic. So I knew exactly what is it that I should do. So I went to the I mean we passed by and fetch my auntie and also we passed by his auntie's place. Um, he asked them to call his mother and everyone in the family to let them know what's going on.

[00:26:27]>> What time was it then?

[00:26:29]>> I think he >> So am.

[00:26:31]>> No, not yet. I think it was around >> um I can say 8 9 >> 8:00 p.m. Okay. 9:00 p.m. Okay.

[00:26:40]>> 9 or 10 >> in the evening.

[00:26:42]>> Yes.

[00:26:43]>> Remember it's July. No one is going.

[00:26:45]It's not busy. You understand? People go out, go to work, and then they come back home. They don't it's not that busy just like >> and you've been with the with you know just to give a little bit of context because I can literally at this point imagine you guys >> you you are traumatized >> you are tired you are in pain >> you know um >> these guys I would say kidnapped you when it was still light.

[00:27:13]>> Yes.

[00:27:13]>> Waited with you until it got dark.

[00:27:16]>> And you know what? Uh when they kidnapped us, people were passing by.

[00:27:22]>> Yes.

[00:27:23]>> Cars were passing by, but no one could help. I I really don't know why. You understand? Maybe people were scared of guns cuz we were pointed. Yes. And by that time, I didn't have my speckles. I was not wearing the speckles. Yes. I mean, yet. So, >> um I did not even see them coming. mean I just hear by the guns the boyfriend said I so damn badly just thought just like everyone was passing you you understand so yeah around that time I think it was >> I can say 8 9 10 between cuz >> now when we were working no one was in the street yes we went to the clinic and then at clinic they told us that um >> bona they don't deal with such cases but what they can do is to call the police first. They don't do anything before the police arrive. Yes. So, I waited there until the police arrived and by that time my mother she arrived.

[00:28:26]>> Yes. And then uh my mother and I we went to we got inside the van and then we went to uh water um magistrate court and then I wrote my statement explain what is it that is going on. I mean what happened? Yes. What happened? I explained what happened and then after that um we went to Elim Hospital and then they cleansed me did everything that they could and then they also gave me the uh bargain.

[00:29:01]Oh, they also booked appointment for me to see them >> psychologist.

[00:29:06]>> Yes. And then I did so basically around that when I went to the bing hospital it was around bulma 12 and I remember we went back home around bulma 4 because the process was >> for the following day 4:00 a.m.

[00:29:24]>> Yes 4:00 a.m. You went back home and around >> 8 8 around 8:00 a.m. I had appointment with the psychologist meaning that I did not sleep I did not rest traumas oh it's kicking everything is >> overwhelming you understand so okay we went to uh we went home and then the next day I went to the hospital to see the psychologist with my auntie and then when we got in there it was 13 um July, right? I regret attending that session. You know, when I got in there, the lady asked me what happened. I explained to her and then she said to me, "You love things so much. Where were you going? You were supposed to be at home by that time."

[00:30:23]And mind you, it was around my five. You understand?

[00:30:29]So, No, no, no. It doesn't matter what time it is.

[00:30:32]>> It doesn't matter what time it is.

[00:30:35]>> And >> it doesn't matter what time it is. It doesn't matter what you are wearing. It doesn't matter whether you talk too much while papa or not.

[00:30:42]>> And it doesn't matter where I am because I was raped while while I was still at home. I lost my virginity while I was I was still at home. You understand?

[00:30:50]>> So, okay. The lady said to me, >> "You laughed too much. You were supposed to be at home. you're still young for for going out around that time. She said a lot of things and that made me to be suicidal. You understand? And I was like, >> this is hours after you got raped.

[00:31:10]>> Yes. And >> I regretted that day. I was like, I was not supposed to attend this fashion. You understand? A lot is going on and someone is telling me I love things so much. I was supposed to be at home. Like she was judging me. Yes.

[00:31:28]>> She judged me and guilty. Yes, I did felt guilty and then Okay, fine.

[00:31:34]>> What's her name?

[00:31:36]>> What's her name? You still remember?

[00:31:37]>> I can't remember. I just remember the date 13th July 2016 >> and and she was suggested by the hospital. She works in the hospital.

[00:31:47]>> Yes. I just >> uh and Okay, I'm still going.

[00:31:53]>> Okay, let me Oh my god. Let me explain. Okay. So later when we arrived at home while I was still sitting the police the police came and they took uh the guy and also took me. We went to my um uh where Macado magistrate court. Yeah I think it's Mac I forgot how it is called but I think it's Macado magistrate court. We went there and then we started to uh to describe the suspects. When we got there, there was this other lady. She was also describing the suspects that raped her. You understand? So the other man was assisting me and my then boyfriend and the woman was assisting >> the lady and then when we describe the suspect >> it's funny how things happen. You know >> it's it's funny >> when we describe that suspect. Um when both of both of us were done we found out that we're talking about the same person.

[00:33:02]She was raped on the 7th of July. I was raped on the 12th. You understand?

[00:33:08]>> Same person days apart.

[00:33:11]>> Yes.

[00:33:13]>> It's just days apart.

[00:33:14]>> Yes. Yeah. Just like that. So after that we I asked the lady I felt like you know when something happens you feel like this happened to me alone. You understand? So I felt little bit comfortable. I just need to accept this situation. It did not happen to me alone. Here is the girl.

[00:33:32]>> So we started describing talking about the guy having conversation with the girl after when we were done and then she started to tell me how she they raped her and beat her cuz she was fighting for her life. Remember meaning that if I also >> quote I was going to be beaten and all stuff. So she explained uh and she yeah she just explained how she got raped and then ah yes we went back home.

[00:33:59]Oh man, I I don't want to talk about the stigma that people made me go through like oh so you know when the police are coming people want to know you know the village is >> so small and everyone can tell there's something going on you understand >> so yeah it happened in that way and h with what I want to mention I thank God that I forgave my mother But my mother, she told one of my friends what happened without my permission.

[00:34:35]>> And that friend happened that cuz now I was attending school in Guilanga Secondary School in Alexandra. That friend she told each and every person in that class at school like you understand how my rel my I mean my >> varsity life issue. I'm now used to vity. Oh my god. My high school. Yes. My high school. Um uh memories were rained ruined like I I I I can't even I don't even wish to go back to high school because I feel like I spent a lot of time not enough of myself thinking no man this person knows I was raped. Yeah. In my high school life I went through that um how can I put this? I feel like I lost myself. you understand confidence uh feeling like I'm not I'm not enough I'm not a lady you understand those kind of things and like um I thank God because I had a teacher there who will tell me I used to talk to her I was open to her and she would tell me you're not the only one you understand and I also gave therapy a chance again and I met Ella she was a social worker at school and Yo, she loved us. Shem and she tried by all means to make sure that I see that I'm not the only one going through the same thing. H I mean the same situation cuz she also called other children who were raped and then we gather tell our story like God bless you.

[00:36:14]>> Oh yes, >> I love you so much. Thank you so much for everything that you did to me. Hey, the other thing that hurt me the most was this other g girl. We used to attend uh the same school.

[00:36:26]>> So she visited our village this other December to see people there. She was close to this other lady. They stayed in the same yard in Alexandra. You understand? So it happened that the reason for her to visit that side is because she wanted to see um her boyfriend who was staying in our neighboring village. You understand? So it happened that the boyfriend came and then they left for a long time and then they came back. So I had to escort her where she visited and then it was her and this other girl and that she visited that girl's place. You understand? So when she was okay, let me just say when we were still walking uh approaching their gate um this other the girl's mother, the other one who stays in our village beside the one that visited us said, I'm trying to hold myself not to mention people's name. You understand? Yes. So that lady or that mother, let me just use it, that mother because she's a mother. She was not supposed to do what she did. She said to them, "Where were you guys? Why do you walk lady with that prostitute? Don't you know that uh that girl, she was raped and now she's teaching teaching you to uh walk late at night so that you can also be raped?"

[00:37:52]Yo, those words those words >> they they they left me broken. You understand?

[00:38:00]And another thing now I'm trying to go to to to focus on the fact that me the most. There was this other time I was fighting with this other girl. Uh we attended the same class and this girl I never told her that I was raped. She heard from the friend that my mother told.

[00:38:16]>> So that girl when we was fighting we were exchanging words. Uh I cuz actually the girl that I thought she was my friend who told her she came to me and say that this girl is saying one to three about you. Do you understand that thing of being a you understand that childish nana when you're still in high school? You want to ask why did you say this about me? And I said I confronted her you know we were talking via WhatsApp and while we were still exchanging words um cuz I was talking with the girl. She said I said to her um we started to to what can I say to exchange words right and she said the part that made her to say what she said I'll tell you what is it that you said it's because I I said to her you have um yellow teeth you understand and she ended up saying to me that's why meaning that that's that that's why they ate you in a bush place meaning that's why they raped you. They did you good.

[00:39:23]If those words they left me broken like you know now I'm when you growing up you try to look uh to combine this one said this that one said this. Now I'm feeling less of who I am not enough of myself.

[00:39:41]You understand? And there was also this other friend of mine. She was my friend then and then this girl when my grandfather used to chase us away some of the days I'll go to her place eat there bath there sometimes sleep there so it happened that there was this other guy uh I didn't know that they dating the guy just asked for my contact I gave him we started talking me and the guy you understand while we're talking it came to the point whereby the guy asked me about her do you know her I'm like yes she's my friend and we were no longer closed because I was now staying this side and she was still staying at home.

[00:40:22]Yeah, she was staying back at home. I mean, so so um the guy asked me is it true that the the girl did abush him, you understand? I was like I don't know anything about that and he forced me to tell him the truth. He was like no I know you guys are friends. There's no way you don't. And I'm like I don't know. Maybe she did it. The fact that I said maybe yo I started something. Yo yo yo you even the friendship ended just like that for the for the fact that I said maybe and then she the guy I don't know what is it that went and tell her maybe he said Mina I said that he did it you understand I mean she did it cuz I also uh uh so okay when she confronted me I told her no I never said that I just said I don't know maybe she did it and I also sent her screenshot thought, you understand? To prove that I never said anything. And she was like, "But when you talk too much, that's why they raped you. That guy did you good." You understand? And that's how I blocked her cuz I I was like, "Ah, maybe this is the end of the friendship cuz I'm trying to even show her the proof or I never did.

[00:41:36]I never said that. This is what I said."

[00:41:39]>> But yeah, and I regretted for saying that. Maybe you understand. I was like, "Maybe I was supposed to keep going."

[00:41:45]And I blocked the guy because I didn't know his intentions from the beginning.

[00:41:49]He's stalking his girlfriend. I didn't know that they were dating. You understand? I'm just trying to show or how I also lost some of the friendship.

[00:42:00]You understand? And you understand if someone have been there for you, you don't want to let them go because this person was there for me. So, but it was fine. And that's how things happened.

[00:42:14]You understand?

[00:42:15]>> Sure.

[00:42:15]>> So a lot happened. Okay. With the case um we went to whatever I 2018 2017 actually I started to attend cases and then they were postponed 2018 postponed. I never got a chance to stand for myself and explain what happened. You understand?

[00:42:37]>> In court.

[00:42:37]>> Yes. I never got that chance. Even a single even >> even today I don't know where my case ended.

[00:42:45]>> I don't know where my case ended. And when we were going there um I met other women that he raped. This other woman he raped um her I mean this other woman he raped her in front of um >> I don't know that child she was 6 years old or she was 12. I I can't tell.

[00:43:02]>> Yeah. But she was if she was not six then she was 12 cuz the are the numbers that I remember 12 and six. So meaning that that child she was watching pornograph pornograph imagine.

[00:43:15]>> So this guy was a serial piece you understand and then after some time I heard that he's out in prison.

[00:43:24]>> Jiggy Jiggy is back. Jiggy Jig is out.

[00:43:26]So now I really don't know but I still have the case number with me. Um but I I never got a chance to stand for myself and I feel like the inner child in me is crying for justice. I want justice to be saved. And I remember how that lady she was so broken the other lady she was like when we were sitting waiting cuz I don't remember even one person uh getting a chance you understand to unless if 2019 they did because 2019 I was doing my metric and I was like no yeah and I asked um my auntie to do what to send them email and tell them that I'm writing I cannot manage to do what to come. So I don't know if my auntie did that but she said she did send them email but I'm surprised why 2020 I did not 2020 I understand it was lockdown right maybe that's why but after I never >> Yeah but even if it's lockdown there's criminals >> people's lives are at risk >> you understand so >> and when you follow up at the police station what happens >> I never oh I 2023 there's a person who sent me a picture of the guy who inside the prison wearing the prison clothes. I don't know that P I mean that person. I tried to track the number. I don't know.

[00:44:48]>> Uh so by that time I just hear that he was uh shot and got paralyzed and then he was in prison. So >> this other person sent me a picture of the guy. You imagine you open your WhatsApp even if you want to update me.

[00:45:03]Ma, I think I know the girl because there is this girl who texted me. She was dating the guy I was.

[00:45:10]So she texted me on Facebook and she was like, "Did you hear that so and so is arrested?" And I was like, "Good for him because I it was not her place to tell.

[00:45:21]>> I'm sorry." Even if she wanted to update me.

[00:45:24]>> I feel like it was not her place to tell the guy's family. I We used to communicate with the guy's family. Maybe his mother or someone. Yeah. Mother, not his girlfriend. You understand? Yeah, >> even the guy me and him we don't fight.

[00:45:38]We were still young. You understand? I cannot hold >> he was there so he could have easily >> he assisted me that time we just broke up because I think the trauma was too much on him. Whenever he saw me now things were no longer the same. You understand? So and then we broke up. So um Oh okay. So that girl she sent me inbox on Facebook and she was like do you know who and who is arrested? And I was like, "Ah, good for him." And then when I get inside uh when WhatsApp Yeah.

[00:46:10]When I opened my WhatsApp, I find a picture that was sent there. You understand? And then when I opened that picture, oh man, I cried the whole day.

[00:46:21]>> She was not I I don't know if it's it's her or it's someone else. I don't know who was that person. I tried to track the number to check who was this person.

[00:46:30]You understand? But I just suspect her because it was the very same day she told me that the guys arrested. So I maybe she was coming in a great way to let me know that cuz maybe her boyfriend told her what happened and she could imagine the trauma but >> for sending the way it was done was was too much for it was too much and I knew and I mean like when it comes to suspect she's the first person I can suspect because no one really tried to update me what's going on. I mean even the police never did that and then it was her. So I don't know if it's her or it was not her. only God knows but yo that thing I was so traumatized and >> all these uh stories that I've mentioned how I was threat by string how I lost my virgin everything they affected me in my vity life because that's why now I'm growing I and the inner child in me is like no girl remember that day you know the brain how it operates remember that day this and that happened remember now I'm trying to connect the dots Oh, there was this other day there was you understand. And yes, um above everything, I just want to say thank God. I thank God for my life.

[00:47:46]>> Amen.

[00:47:46]>> Um I'm still breathing. I'm still the same person. I'm still beautiful. Um I mean beautiful, >> very beautiful.

[00:47:53]>> I don't care about what happened. Yes, I will have flashbacks because >> I don't want to say I'm not strong because the Bible says uh let the weak say I am strong. I am strong in the Lord and I believe it was God who saved my life because um remember um when we read the the word of God it says that God breathed in a nostrils of a man and a man became a living being. You understand? So meaning that life is a gift. I'm so grateful for life. There's a lot of women out there who were raped and they did not make it. When I look at back my life, I'm proud of myself where I am, I'm so grateful and I I'm not ashamed of being a victim of rape. I never went out there and say rape me.

[00:48:45]You understand?

[00:48:46]>> I will never feel guilty. It happened and there is nothing that I can do. You understand? Yes. The only thing that I need I I I've made actually is to make peace. But if there is something that I'm crying for, it's a justice.

[00:49:01]>> Just justice.

[00:49:01]>> Like I never got a chance to stand for.

[00:49:04]>> So where is he now? Is he walking free?

[00:49:06]>> I really don't know. I really don't know. Either he's arrested or he's out.

[00:49:13]I really don't know, sis. I really don't know.

[00:49:16]>> He shouldn't be out here walking.

[00:49:18]>> Like imagine when he's out. H what's happening?

[00:49:23]>> So please follow up on the case. Um don't stop fighting for that because this is um this is bigger than you. You know you getting justice means other people are also safer.

[00:49:38]>> Yes.

[00:49:38]>> You know out there and the Lord gave you so much strength. I don't know how you did it a few hours after you get raped.

[00:49:46]>> You had the strength to go and speak >> to go and report it. I I I I I don't think people realize how much courage and strength that takes. And for a lot of victims out there, they they skip that process because of the trauma and the pain that you're currently going through >> and the stigma >> and the stigma.

[00:50:07]>> Yes.

[00:50:07]>> So for you to go through that and for all these years later to still not have justice, I can imagine how painful that must be.

[00:50:16]>> Yes. And it affected me my varsity life.

[00:50:19]I think I spent a lot of my vasity life crying, trauma, asking myself what really happened and to the point that I even had loss of memory like people I grew up with will come and say langu this person you understand I once reached that stage I remember going to write my exam and then when I got inside the whole >> I forgot the things that I start in three months before the yo like I went through the most You understand?

[00:50:50]>> So yes, man. Um >> let's pray for our justice system.

[00:50:54]Honestly, let's pray for our justice system to be fair >> on victims >> so that people can be able to report because the reason why a lot of people also don't report cases is because of this very reason.

[00:51:06]>> You go through the trauma and nothing happens.

[00:51:08]>> So we need to pray for our justice system to be fair on victims because people are walking free. Mhm. You remind me of this other time I once shared my story on Tik Tok. My inbox.

[00:51:21]>> My inbox.

[00:51:23]>> Hey, I all I can say is that women are raped out there. Children are raped out there. And they be like, "My husband don't know about this. Hey, no one knows about this at home. You the first like >> stigma." So >> stigma, stigma, stigma. You understand?

[00:51:43]And I thank God that I have courage to talk about this and not feel guilty. I mean like I will never even a single day feel guilty about this. It it was not my fault. You understand? It was not my fault. I will never even a single day.

[00:51:57]And when we read the book of Eles um 1 vers9 it says nothing new under the sun.

[00:52:04]>> I'm not the first person to get raped.

[00:52:06]>> When we read the book of Genesis 34, right? Uh it talked about the story of Dina who was raped by uh she came you understand and I get to see nothing new under the sun. And when we read the book of Ecclesist 3 verse uh one it says there is time for everything. It means that it was my time to go through everything. You understand? If not me who? My daughter.

[00:52:37]>> No no not my daughter. my little sister.

[00:52:40]>> No, >> no. So, it's okay. What happened happened and God is saying that we should let go of the former things. So, the only thing that I need I think I need help with is the anger. When I'm angry, I don't like myself when I'm angry. You understand? I think like um everything is inside and then I see when I'm angry that no I mean no man um >> it's too much.

[00:53:11]>> Yeah. I need help with deal with it.

[00:53:14]>> Yes. Anger to let go of the anger. You understand? But otherwise I cannot go back and unripe myself. You understand?

[00:53:23]It happened. It happened. I just need to make peace with that. And also to see how do I heal from the words that people say to me cuz um when someone said something when you meet them the first thing that comes to mind mindset is that this person once said this and this and you know I've noticed that I do forgive you understand >> I forgive I'm easy to forgive but inside I'm hurt >> you're hurting yes >> yes inside I'm hurting So that's what I need help with to heal and to also deal with anger how to so that I can also relate with people you understand because with the anger that I have even God wants to bless me with a husband.

[00:54:12]>> Yeah. So >> I want to deal with my anger be easy on myself. Now I actually from last year I sat down with myself. I was like no girl now it's time to work on yourself build yourself. What is it that I need to do?

[00:54:25]I stop being in a relationship. This mark marks my 11th month. So meaning next month I'm celebrating one year one year of abstaining, getting myself back.

[00:54:36]You understand? Yes. So I'm busy working on that, finding myself and I feel like I really needed this time, you understand, to work on myself to focus on Yes.

[00:54:50]>> I love it.

[00:54:50]>> Thank you. Um, tell us a bit about your your daughter >> cuz I know it's it's something you didn't touch on. Um, >> and you mentioned it was a teenage pregnancy.

[00:55:00]>> Yes.

[00:55:01]>> So, how did she come about? Was it did you have a boyfriend at the time?

[00:55:06]>> Was it when you were still going through a lot of traumas, things about that?

[00:55:11]>> Oh, okay. So I get um my the the boyfriend that I was raped when I was with we broke up.

[00:55:19]>> And then when I came this side I met this other guy.

[00:55:25]>> Jesus. I met this other guy that guy we dated right when we date.

[00:55:31]>> Uh I met him in church. I don't want to lie. The pastor warned me about him >> saying focus on yourself. Don't date.

[00:55:39]Don't do anything. You understand? If you go staging, you don't want to be advised. You understand? So, >> how old were you at the time?

[00:55:47]>> I I was when I started dating my boyfriend, I was in grade 11. I was 17 17 years old. Yes. And then I was 17 years old. We dated um we dated 7 2017, 2018, 2019, 2020 lockdown. I found him with my closest friend inside the room. So, um, he betrayed me and the friend betrayed me. Three days later, I found out that I'm pregnant.

[00:56:20]>> You found him in your room? What?

[00:56:22]>> No. When I knocked, he came out without wearing his t-shirt. He was only wearing the trouser and then the trouser was not zipped to show that I'm disturbing the process. And then when I got inside, I found out that my friend was not wearing her bra. the bra was yeah on the coach >> so it's three what is it that was happening and yes he confirmed that they were dating for three months while I was with him >> so you understand the trauma that men if I can >> combine the dots I will say men are bad people but men are not bad people >> you broke up with him immediately >> no not immediately h I have explained about that in my next book because I at home they chased me away they they made me choose between abortion and uh to stay with him. So I didn't want to do abortion and then I went back and stay with him and then yeah I broke up with him 22 years 22 >> when I could see that my daughter can stand for herself but to be honest I broke up with him immediately cuz I was no longer there. He knows. He knows even cuz when I met him to make peace cuz I was angry at him for a very long time and then after I broke up with him I blocked him. I didn't want anything to do with him and then whenever I wanted the baby used to communicate with my mother and then I said to him uh I mean 2023 I forgave him. I called him. We met at the park. I told him how much he has hurt me. How much he has made me not to believe in love. I like I told him how I felt and then he said sorry and he came back we were attending the same church and then he came back to church he play keyboard >> so when he came back to church I had to forgive him because I'll see him each and every Sunday do I or change church and go to another church no I didn't want to >> what did the pastor say >> the pastor um oh my god we sat down I told him that I want to forgive him and I want to let go but not I will never go back to him. They say never say never, but no, I understand. I was still young for myself to be in that relationship. As I grow, I know my >> your worth.

[00:58:40]>> Yes, I know what I want, the kind of a man I want. You understand? So, I I don't want to >> Yeah, I understand. We were still young.

[00:58:49]It's okay. I forgive him.

[00:58:50]>> Yeah.

[00:58:51]>> Life goes on. I I I don't want to dwell in the past. You understand? I want to move on. So, I forgave him. We attend the same church and I don't have a problem with that.

[00:59:01]>> And your daughter needs a healed >> version of you as a mom.

[00:59:06]>> Yes, that's true. That's true. The reason I went to work on myself because there was this other time I was angry. I used to be an angry person and she would say, I remember her asking me, "Mama, why are you always angry?" Oh, those words hurt me. And I was like, "No, man.

[00:59:21]I need to work on myself. Let go of everything. Take everything out." You understand? Yes, yes, yes, yes.

[00:59:28]>> I love it.

[00:59:29]>> Thank you, ma'am. I am so sorry for everything that you've gone through. The violation, the abuse, the rape, emotionally, physically, in every way. You did not deserve any of it.

[00:59:44]>> Yes, that's true.

[00:59:45]>> And I I love how you forgive. I love how, you know, the Lord is just helping you through this process.

[00:59:52]>> And I'm also praying for justice, >> you know. Yes.

[00:59:57]>> Really, we are we are praying for justice for you and for other victims.

[01:00:01]>> And thank you for being brave enough to speak about your story, to tell your story because every time you you tell your story, it's like you have to relive it and, you know, see those images again and and talk about it. But you do it because you you are, you know, selfless really. You just trying to help other people out there, other women. and for you to also write a book about your story. It's the exact same thing to help other people. So, thank you for that. I cannot wait to get my hands on your book. When is it going to be available?

[01:00:32]Cuz I know it's not available yet, right?

[01:00:33]>> Yes, it's not available yet. I think month end.

[01:00:36]>> Okay.

[01:00:37]>> May month end is >> so around June, July.

[01:00:40]>> Yes. Yeah.

[01:00:43]>> All right. Thank you so much.

[01:00:45]>> Thank you. I really appreciate this time. Thank you so much. May God bless you people of God.

[01:00:52]>> Bless you to thank you so much. And oh no, before I leave, I just want to say to each and every um women going through this kind of situation out there, I just want to let you know that um God is close to the brokenhearted.

[01:01:09]>> Psalms uh 34 verse 18, he saves those who are crushing spirit. God loves you.

[01:01:17]It doesn't matter what you're going through, he is there is there with you.

[01:01:21]I know that that moment feels like God left you. But I want to let you know that God is there and God loves you. And even a single day, never think that God don't love you. God, he does not prove how much he love us by material or everything. John uh it's 3:16, right? that says God for God so loved the world. You understand?

[01:01:48]>> He gave Christ to us. He died for us while we were still sinners. So I don't don't even give um attention to the mindset that tells you that cuz I know I've been there. God don't love you. Um you are not enough and all those things.

[01:02:06]No, God loves you and he will give you strength to overcome and be grateful for life because life is a gift. Amen. So yes, >> thank you.

[01:02:16]>> God bless you.

[01:02:18]>> God bless you too, man.

[01:02:21]>> S family. We come to the end of the episode and we hope >> what a woman.

[01:02:28]>> Yay.

[01:02:30]>> What a strong, brave, >> um, courageous woman.

[01:02:35]>> Yeah.

[01:02:35]>> We hope that you really enjoyed this episode. you have learned something and um you were able to to to connect with her in more ways than one.

[01:02:45]>> Yeah, absolutely. Please make sure you sell out her book. I don't you ordering the first 50 copies n >> yes >> let's finish those 50 copies please and fam let's do write by her um and read her book and you know there's more to the book as she said there's more that she spoke about she specifically chose you know a certain part of her life that she hasn't shared to share with us so we thank God for that and we thank you for watching we love and appreciate you so much please make sure you comment down below Oh awesome sand fam from myself innocent >> and myself Millisent >> and the beautiful languani it is bye for now I went through the most been through to move.

[01:04:53]I think I was not supposed to be alive.

[01:04:55]I lost my virginity through rape. Me loving money. I was like, "We do want the money." He said to us, "Um, follow me so that I can give you the money."

[01:05:05]Out of the blue, we just hear gun points. And he said to me, "Remember, if you want to come out alive, you need to do what? To follow what I'm telling you to do." While he was raping me, he said to me, "Scre to show that you are enjoying." He said to me, "You have nice legs. You are so beautiful. You don't deserve what I'm doing to you." The next day, I went to the hospital to see the psychologist. The lady asked me what happened. I explained to her and then she said to me, "You love things so much. Started to attend cases and then they were postponed.

[01:05:40]2018 postponed. I never got a chance to stand for myself and explain what happened. You understand?

[01:05:46]>> In court.

[01:05:47]>> Yes. I never got that chance.

[01:05:49]>> Never.

[01:05:49]>> Even a even today. I don't know where my case ended.