Why Black Beauty TRIGGERS some White Women

[00:00:00]The jealousy and envy that white mistresses felt towards enslaved black women was layered and complex. It wasn't about wanting to be in their shoes, but about feeling like their position over black women was threatened by their husband's sexual interest in them. And with Victorian morality casting white women as the symbol of the Madonna and black women as the symbol of the [ __ ] white women could lean into this framing to maintain their position of supremacy.

[00:00:20]This legacy persists today. Ideas of proper femininity, or what Raywin Connell calls emphasized femininity, are built around whiteness. As a result, white women, even those who reject emphasized femininity, may feel an automatic entitlement to being admired in white supremacist patriarchal society and therefore feel threatened by black women's success. It's our responsibility to reflect honestly on when we felt competitive with black women or threatened by black women or held them to unfair standards. For most of us, these responses are learned, not chosen, and they can be hard to face within ourselves. But it's an important step in creating true dynamics of allyship amongst women. Something Bel Hooks comments on a lot in her book is how when white women align themselves with white supremacy, this pushes black women further towards the benevolent patriarchy being offered to them within their own communities. Check out my last video to see some of her quotes on this and hear a deeper analysis of this topic. And check out the full playlist for a lot more bell hooks content.

[00:01:11]>> My mom told me about a video that she saw on Tik Tok basically saying, "I don't like when pretty women are confident." And I don't really have too much to say about that part, but something that I have noticed is when I'm in rooms with white women and it's majority white women, they almost don't even acknowledge me. Every time I'm in a room full of white women or a bunch of white women are in the area, most white women, unless they're older, unless they're literally 60 plus, anytime I'm in rooms with women who are around my age, young or middle age, like in their 40s, they literally don't acknowledge me. They don't even address me as a human if I'm talking to them. if I'm around them, if I'm in their spaces, like literally act like they don't see me. Don't get it twisted. I don't need white women to validate me. That's not what I'm saying at all. What I'm saying is I'm very aware of what I look like and I don't need anybody to compliment me to make me feel good about myself.

[00:01:59]When I step, I know I step. If nobody acknowledges me, that's great. But what I've noticed is it feels like white women specifically go out of their way to not acknowledge you because I feel like they don't want you to think that you're on their level because you're black. Specifically because you're a black woman. I've never had that issue with confident white girls, though. I've had confident white girls before give me a compliment, but it's very rare and it barely happens. But, you know, whatever.

[00:02:23]Perception isn't reality. I'm not the type of person that takes offense to people not acknowledging me, and I'm not the type of person to make up certain feelings, but it's something that I've recognized repetitively in rooms with white girls who are young or white women who are middle-aged. Okay, so a couple years ago, I was in Italy for my 27th birthday. I was staying in a mafio coast in Sarrento. I was staying in a hostel and if you've ever stayed in a hostel before, you know, the community is tight and it's very easy to meet friends. I was staying in an all female dorm. It was my last night there. And there were some ladies who were like, hey, we're going to go out if anybody wants to join us. And I was like, let me let me go ahead and get up. I've been going out every single night while I was there, but I was like, let's go one more night before I head back to Pompei and to Rome. So, I tell the girls who were like coring everyone together like, "Hey, I would love to come." And they were like, "Awesome. We're going to get ready and leave in about 30 minutes." I said, "Perfect." So, I quickly do my makeup.

[00:03:15]Then I quickly put on this dress that I call like my freak dress of the summer.

[00:03:19]It's now October, but I wore this dress all summer and Chicago. And the results every time I wear this dress is like crazy. The men be falling to their knees. So, I put on this dress and all the girlies in the room are eating me up. They're like, "OH MY GOD, WE LOVE YOUR DRESS. AH, YOUR BODY. LIKE, YOU LOOK SO GOOD." Like all the girlies from all walks of life, right? We got all the girls from Europe, Southeast Asia, Latin America. Like, everybody's in the room and they all are wooing over me, rightfully so. We love girls that support girls. This is where it gets interesting. The two girls that cor together, I watch a lot of Real Housewives, so I can peep group dynamics. I can peep Mean Girl from a mile away. And as we are getting dressed, like I see the two girls kind of like shooting eyeballs at me like what? And to paint the picture about them, they're both American. One was blonde, like blonde hair, blue eyes, like western beauty standard, right? And then her friend was a brunette. And their dynamic was very interesting, especially as we were getting dressed.

[00:04:22]Like the blonde was definitely like queen bee. what I say go, you feed my ego. Like that is the only reason why I keep you around. And the brunette complied, right? So I get dressed. I'm standing in the body length mirror.

[00:04:36]There's only one in the room. And I see the brunette like come over. She gives me like one of these smiles. First we were talking, but now all of a sudden it's a smile. And I was like, "Oh, this energy is a little off." And she looks at her outfit and she looks at the blonde girl and she goes, "I just don't feel like confident in like my outfit. I feel very underdressed. And what she and the blonde girl were wearing is what I call the basic special. And I I partake in the basic special. It's mom jeans and a crop top. I love a mom jean and a crop top. I'm not calling you basic. I'm just saying it's a basic special. It's very good outfit. It always looks good. But on the Amalfi Coast in Italy, I was literally on a yacht the day before.

[00:05:15]Like I'm wearing my best in Italy.

[00:05:17]There's And then also like if you've been to Europe, the girlies there are dressed to the nines all times. It doesn't matter what time of day it is.

[00:05:26]You go to the grocery store, the girlies are dressed up. So that's just how it is. But old girl, the Bernette was feeling like very insecure. And you could see them looking at me, especially as I was getting all of these compliments in the room. They were giving me dev stares. And then the blonde looks at me as she's talking as she's like responding to brunette when she says, "Oh, I just don't feel confident in my outfit. I feel like it's basic. And she's like, "We're wearing the exact same thing. Get over it. You don't need to show your body off to look good." And I said, "Do she just like shame me a little bit?" Like, I thought we were friends. I thought we were doing good. Again, a couple minutes ago, I was in my bed. I had my bonnet on. I did not have an ounce of makeup. I still look good, but really did not think they thought I could look as good as I put my look together. like the mean girl energy that came off her when she said that. I was perplexed. And then she tells the brunette like, "Are you ready to go?"

[00:06:18]Like, "Let's go." And they get up and they walk out the room. And I was like, "I thought we were going together." Cuz it was just those two and me that were going out. And once the door closes, everyone in the room is like, "What the [ __ ] was that?" And I was like, "I don't I don't know." And of course, they're all hyping me up. They're like, "No, you look great. Your body looks [ __ ] good. You don't look like scandalous.

[00:06:39]It's a sexy dress for sure. But they all said we're in Europe. Like I said, thank you. And they obviously started to go down the route of like they're definitely jealous. And I was like, okay. Like are y'all peeping that?

[00:06:51]They're like, yes, that's what that was.

[00:06:52]I was like, okay, I would make sure that whole situation. I have I have a few other stories definitely where that's happened, especially in a hospital setting. I did end up going out by myself. I had a great time and I called my mom and explained it to her and she was just like, you know, there there are some girls who like the beauty standard, they know they're on a pedestal and the fact that I was in the room and getting praises and also I am pretty. I'm not saying I was prettier than them, but I looked really good. I don't think they could compute like it was threatening their sense of self and identity and everything that's been spoonfed to them.

[00:07:29]So, I don't know. It was crazy. This is true. The biggest reason that I know that white feminism is a real problem is just the perceived threat that so many white women feel from black women just existing. Before I continue, I'm going to reference myself as attractive. Yes, I know. Shocker. I did this before and y'all got on my ass. I don't know what to say. We're going to keep doing it.

[00:07:44]But as a black woman, when you like transition from unattractive to being perceived as attractive, you will notice a change change in behavior from not only men, but also women, specifically white women, especially when you don't fit like a certain stereotype that they associate with your race and like what they deem a black woman should act like.

[00:07:58]It's almost like they don't know how to act with you and they end up, you know, feeling this contempt. They implicitly know that they are the standard. Like they have been socialized to know that.

[00:08:04]It's been their experience to have men want them of any race. But in that, they also know that whiteness is sort of blankness. And I actually don't mean that in like a mean way. I mean it is the standard. It's the norm. It is the opposite of exoticism. So in their male-centered minds, they're thinking, "Yeah, like in majority of cases, I'm going to get the guy." But when they want a little switch up, you know, a change from their usual, that is when women of color, specifically black women become a big threat. It's like a lot of them sort of know that a lot of girls look like them. A lot of pretty girls look like them. They can never account for the allore of a deviation from that norm. When they see an attractive black woman, it's like, okay, I have to see it. How can I fight against this? I don't have the facilities to fight against this. And to compensate for that, I think that's why we see a lot of like white women try to play into the features of women of color. The style, the slick backs, the lip filler, anorisms, all of it. Like, they want to be able to oscillate between all types of attractiveness to become this sort of like maxed out woman who has every single thing a guy could ever want at any time because they are so used to being the standard. They cannot accept someone wanting something different.

[00:08:52]They kind of try to like borrow parts of you to become that so that that won't happen again. It's very interesting and it happens more than you would think.

[00:08:58]>> Most white women are not our friends.

[00:09:00]Like if you're a black woman, most white women are not our friends. Okay. When they do connect with us is often from a place of hierarchy, uh guilt or um pedestalization, rarely ever in solidarity, right? When they do connect with us, it's just to reinforce power, right? It's it's not from a space of partnership. And it's been this way since the plantation, right? Since slavery days, it's been this way. I want you to watch this video.

[00:09:27]>> For the second time in 3 weeks, a black man who I am a colleague to has sent me a joke about how soft and nurturing and coddling white women are and how mean and harsh black women are in relationships. And I'm going to tell you right now, if you're a white woman, don't don't participate in that. That's it's not funny. Um they're testing to see what you're going to do, what you're going to say. Um it is absolutely disgusting that they even think that it's okay to send me that. And it's offensive to me that they believe I'm going to laugh at the expense of black women. There's nothing funny about it.

[00:09:52]There are plenty of things that we can joke about, plenty of people that we can poke fun of. The last people who need to be the center of a joke um are black women. And additionally, this is a pattern I've seen over years of black men married to black women who form a friendship with white women myself and then start finding a way to put black women down to get into the good graces of me. And that tells me everything I need to know about you as a man, you as a husband, you as um your character, and um not someone I want to be around because I work very hard to be a safe space to know better, do better. And the last thing I'm going to do is get involved in your furry.

[00:10:22]So their power has always been connected to our dehumanization. So even today when they try to stand with us, it's from a place of being our sympathizers or our saviors really from just seeing us as equals.

[00:10:38]So their version of uh connecting with us and standing with us is being like us being someone that they can pity, them being someone who they can be superior towards, them centering themselves as like the moral one. Are y'all are y'all are y'all tracking that while we continue to be positioned as like the one who's struggling as like the struggle or whatever? And why do I say this? Her response is technically correct, right? It's the morally correct one, which is like, "Oh, no. Don't put other women down to get close to me, still censoring herself as the moral one. So much so that she can't realize that the true insult is to her. She can't realize that, right?" So, it's in the verbiage. She's like, "Oh, um, don't put nobody else down to get into good graces with me.

[00:11:19]They're putting you down and telling you that you're easier prey. Okay? So, instead of seeing it as, oh, I prefer white women, it's I prefer less resistance. Okay? But they can't see it that way. She's caught up in performing sisterhood. If you watch that video and and you actually took time to slow down and read the examples of the jokes that the black men were making with her about us, okay, what she got from that was, "Oh, no. you know, I'm not going to help you laugh at black women. You know, I have to be the good one, the morally just one, the the the I stand with them. You're not going to get to put down another woman. You're not going to get to It's like, girl, there's a bigger there there's a bigger issue here. The bigger issue is not that he's putting us down. It's that he's putting you down. Yeah, he's putting you down, but because of their hierarchal um uh their superior mindset, they still see us as the butt of the joke. their default is to see us as the one who's who's the struggle in in this in this joke, right? They're the you are the mockery. When they when black men come to white women and say things like, "Oh, you know, we really like white women because black women, yeah, you know, they're they're too hard on us or they're too loud or they're too this or they're too and they're not soft enough, but you you're soft and you this and you're peaceful and whenever that is the rhetoric, white women need to see that they are the butt of that joke." Okay?

[00:12:40]They're offending you. They're telling you that you're easier to access, that you are the weakest link. That's what they're telling you. But they cannot see that because they think and believe that they're superior to us. Okay?

[00:12:53][clears throat] And if you are a white woman who supports my content, do not try, do not feel offended by my words, okay? If it doesn't apply to you, then it doesn't apply. I do know that there are women who are not of color who are able to actually stand with us in true solidarity and see themselves in us and not pity us or sympathize with us or whatever the case may be. I'm not saying that they don't exist, right? I'm talking about the majority of white women. That's what I'm talking about, the majority. Don't don't take it as a a reason to um to feel offended or attacked, but rather take it as a teaching moment to figure out how you're going to connect better in the future, right? Self-reflect with what I'm saying. Don't take offense to what I'm saying. I remember one day there was this post of like like I think it was like a Twitter post and um there was like men saying like oh um they want to get them a white woman because um something about like they'll build with you and they'll like they don't care as much about money and the white women were in the comments like we don't know what the hell he's talking about but we want your money and we will leave you and we will take the kids, the dog, the house, the car, everything. They were defending themselves. They were like we are not these weak meek women that y'all keep on insinuating or keep on pushing the rhetoric that we are. We are not that.

[00:13:58]That's what I want to see. That's what I want to see. I want to see y'all defend yourselves when they make jokes about you. That's what I want to see. Because that joke was not about us. They are talking negatively about you, too. They were making jokes about you as well.

[00:14:13]Defend yourself. Don't sympathize with us. Defend yourself.

[00:14:19]The reason why white women often become intimidated by black women's beauty is when black women were growing up, when black women are coming up, right? We were always told by our parents um you know, don't do this or you'll be grown.

[00:14:32]Don't do that or you'll be grown. Don't wear this color red specifically. Don't do that. Like there were certain things that um black girls couldn't really get into. There are certain things that were limited um because of that. And you know, white girls actually had an advantage in this area, right? So, as you become older and as you start gaining more independence, you become an adult and you actually have this self-actualization process and you start investing in being a baddie, investing in your femininity, investing in the things that make you feel beautiful. Watch how your white friends switch up.

[00:15:10]Watch how they switch up.

[00:15:12]Watch how they switch up.

[00:15:15]This is this actually was a benefit for white women because I don't really think to my understanding that white women were as restricted. But as you get older as a black woman, notice how your white friend who doesn't have a strong sense of self start silently seething and start looking at you with pure [ __ ] hatred as you're doing your makeup, as you're getting complimented by the barista, as you go outside and you get positive reception from other people.

[00:15:42]It's because she doesn't want you to serve face. She wants you to serve her.

[00:15:49]Y'all better get these hoes up out your face. Listen, I once I peeped that my ex- best friend was like that, that's where I knew that she that's why that's what made me contextualize all her [ __ ] problems that she had all those [ __ ] issues in her head. So, I say all of that to say, when a white woman sees you delving into your beauty, it doesn't benefit her. So, nine times out of 10, if they're insecure, they're going to switch up on you.

[00:16:14]>> So, I had a conversation with one of my good redhead friends, right? And love her dad. We've been knowing each other for like 10 years. She's like one of my favorite ver viros, right? And I I love redheads. But anyh who, we were having a conversation and we were talking about jealousy and she was telling me how she was like, "I never had dealt with jealousy with a black woman before." But she said, she said, "But from the things that you tell me, it's really loud." I said, "Yes, very loud." She said, "Well, white women are different." I said, "What do you mean?" She said, "When white women don't like you, they're really nice." She said, "It's hard for you to tell. They are really nice." And I said, "Oh my god, you are not lying." I said, "You are not lying. That is so true." Because I've also dealt with jealousy with women, period. But the jealousy is different between black and white women.

[00:17:05]And I'm going to explain to you what I'm talking about. And for my white dolls who are Caucasian, feel free to chime in on this. We can talk about it. It's safe here. Everybody chime in. I remember being a teller, right? And I was working with this um older white lady. And I mean, I had problems with everybody, but I I was cool with her, whatever. Whole time, girl, she did not like me. She did not like me. And I'm going to tell you what sent her through the roof. Okay, so one time this guy came in. Okay, let me go back. So when I first started working at the major bank, I really thought everybody was really butchie. Like everybody looked really butchy to me.

[00:17:45]And if you don't know what a butchie is, that's basically like a female who's really really masculine or what the elders call back in the day, a [ __ ] I thought everybody was, I'm not lying. There was no form of color.

[00:17:57]Like nobody was putting themselves together or nothing. Like I was the only girl in there that was like super girly, the epitome of divine feminine, whatever like that. So when it came down this particular white lady girl, I thought she was butch. She had this backstre boy haircut. Like I didn't know. And I remember her kept saying how her kids her kids her kids. And girl, the whole time I'm sitting there thinking like, oh, you know, she probably, you know, with her lesbian girlfriend and had kids, you know. I thought it was cute.

[00:18:22]Girl, whole time this [ __ ] had a whole husband, didn't he? So this handsome guy comes in one day. He was good-look. And older white men have a thing for me.

[00:18:32]They really do. So, girl, he comes in and he does a double take. And I was just like, "Okay." So, the white lady, she walks up and she says, "Hey, Rouge.

[00:18:42]This is my husband."

[00:18:46]Oh [ __ ] girl. Not this your husband, girl. That man came in and did a double take. And living down south, white men period are very bold.

[00:18:57]But living down south is a they're a little bit more bolder. I don't know what he told her at that house. But baby, when she came back to work, she wasn't good with me no more. Mm- She wasn't good with me no more after that.

[00:19:10]No, no, no, no, no, no. I have other stories, too, but we going to share that for another video, girl. Cuz we we we talking about this all week. So yes, chime