Let's Talk About Male vs. Female Friendships

追加: 2026-05-12

[00:00:00]Hello, my name is Emily as you may or may not know and today we are going to be talking about male versus female friendships. Now, regardless of gender, people might have different uh expectations for the friendships in their lives. And I am saying this out of obligation and not because I actually think my audience needs to be told this.

[00:00:17]But pointing out certain phenomena doesn't mean that all men act this way or all women act this way. It's not a um you know, boys be like, girls be like type situation.

[00:00:28]Maybe a little bit, but you know, I think that we can all agree that platonic relationships are very important. And people have noticed that men and women sometimes can navigate those friendships a little bit differently. And I already know what some of the comments are going to be.

[00:00:42]You're a woman. What makes you think you have the right to speak on male friendship? And even if you think I don't have the right, I still have a camera and a microphone. So, does that count for something? You know, we are all observers of society. And a lot of the sentiments that I'm about to express are coming from men themselves. And the patriarchy, guys, it hurts us all.

[00:01:06]I'm I'm going to be the first to say it.

[00:01:08]And I also believe that both men and women can uphold these problematic structures, right? The lack of close and fulfilling uh straight male friendships is harmful for men. And then when something is harmful for men, it usually bleeds into being harmful for women because, you know, eventually everything does kind of become our problem. One of the main distinctions people have noticed between male and female friendships is that male friendships tend to lean towards the very lowmaintenance side, very low, you know, low enough where it's like the limbo bar is 2 in above the ground and the standards for male friendship are still flying right under with flying colors.

[00:01:46]And while I think adult friendships can sometimes be more prone to being lowmaintenance just because, you know, we all get busy, we're in different cities, all of these things, male friendships seem to be particularly prone because wanting effort, wanting an acknowledgement of your emotions can compromise masculinity, even though it shouldn't, right? God forbid I want my bro to know my favorite color. For me as a woman, when it comes to my close female friends, I have a very hard time imagining those relationships having a lack of emotional depth or support because to me, that's what defines the closeness. And to live without that type of platonic connection, I mean, it sounds quite dull and sad. I hate to say that, but you know, life without friendship is like a garden with no flowers, a a sky with no stars, a car with no brakes, a skill with no share.

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[00:04:42]Anyways, one of the biggest indicators that male friendships may be lacking emotional connection is the entire notion of the male loneliness epidemic.

[00:04:50]And while I know people tend to scoff at this or pull out the good old they should be even lonelier type rhetoric when we see men do abhorent things, which is unfortunately more often than we would like to be seeing. Um, I do think men are lonely. I think a lot of them are as [ __ ] I think what prevents people from taking the male loneliness epidemic seriously is that, you know, to a degree it can be a little bit of a self-perpetuating cycle. And it can be used as a talking point to adhere to overarchingly problematic ideas or harmful actions. But whether or not the expression of a man's loneliness leans more towards benevolent or harmful, I think what is definite is that the loneliness does exist.

[00:05:34]If we're being honest with ourselves, I think it does exist. Traditional masculinity is a prison and of course men are the ones who set up and maintain that prison and sometimes they blame women for their emotional shortcomings.

[00:05:46]I do think that as a society if we can emphasize the idea of and here's how we can do better as opposed to well it's your own fault. Uh you made your bed so piss and sleep in it pig. You know we we might see a little bit more of a positive outcome. And even though people laugh at the phrase male loneliness epidemic, the fact that it was coined in the first place, I kind of feel like it's a sign of progression. No, because men are acknowledging that they're lonely. That's step one. I think a lot of, you know, macho macho traditional men, you know, beef head muscles the size of a [ __ ] boulder that you find in the Grand Canyon, might not even want to admit that they're lonely. They would maybe even think to themselves, what is lonely? How how can I be lonely?

[00:06:35]I have uh five buckets of protein and access to like 20 dumbbells. That's all I need as a man. Right? Step two, I think, is trying to mitigate that loneliness. And I think that's where we start to see people kind of go astray because instead of trying to work on themselves or actively work on the platonic uh male friendships that they have, they just blame women. But because of the types of men that I have in my life who I feel pose a good example to other men, I know that it's possible to not adhere to the whole men suffer in silence and I'm one of them and everyone else is to blame but myself type mindset. I will say a lot of the men in my life are queer. Is that okay? There are some hedies in the building though and out of curiosity I have asked them before you know do you feel comfortable speaking about vulnerable things with your male friends? have you guys ever cried in front of each other? Things like that. And a lot of them have said yes. So, I do think we are in the midst of some positive change. However, there are a lot of guys who actually like the fact that their friendships are so lowmaintenance. They like that there's low standards and their friendships are more so based on having a good time and being able to just chill with each other than anything else. And that certainly makes things easier for everyone involved to not be super, I guess, you know, emotionally invested and things like that, but that makes the relationship probably not quite as fulfilling. Compared to women, it seems that a lot of guys, their time with the bros isn't necessarily a safe haven for emotional expression like it is for girls, right? But rather an escape from having to emotionally express. It's a distraction, right? It's a way to get your mind off of the things that are bothering you, that haunt you. And I don't think that's necessarily not valuable. As women, we also don't want to be talking about hard things or emotionally heavy things constantly every time we hang out. Sometimes we just want to giggle and gab. And in fact, that might even be most of the time. No one wants every hangout to be extremely emotionally heavy or ultra introspective. Girls night.

[00:08:46]Okay, so here's the itinerary for tonight. From 6:00 to 6:45, we'll sit in a circle and talk about what we think our biggest physical flaw is. But here's the catch. It has to be something that you can't change with surgery.

[00:08:57]>> Okay, twist.

[00:08:57]>> Yeah. Then from 6:45 to 8:45, we'll make a vin diagram of all of our toxic relationships and point out the ways that we have collectively suffered, individually suffered, and caused suffering upon others. # need that. Then from 8:45 to 9:15, we'll have a snack break, but we'll only be eating foods that our mothers banned us from eating when we were younger because they didn't want us to get fat. So, in that way, we'll kind of be feeding our inner child. I brought my white cheddar Cheeits and gushers. And I brought my green grapes. Your mom didn't let you have green grapes.

[00:09:25]>> No, she said there was too much natural sugar and that it was basically like candy. And even though I was prepubescent, she said that I needed to start preemptively watching my figure.

[00:09:34]That's so [ __ ] From 9:15 to 10, we'll debrief about the snacking and dig through the traumas that we've endured in our motherdaughter relationships. And then from 10 to 3:00 a.m., we'll cry.

[00:09:46]Yay. Okay. Yay. Let's get this party started.

[00:09:55]But I think the key difference for female friendships is that if those things were to come up, if we have a close friend who they need to get something off of their chest, they need advice, they need to vent, we would welcome those things and feel comfortable with it. Between women, for many of us, that is an integral part of close friendship, right? Knowing each other deeply, being there for one another, understanding each other. And it seems that men sometimes have a harder time cultivating that type of environment. For example, speaking of a physical environment, something that popped up in my mind was the man cave, right? The idea of the man cave. I think what represents this idea is pretty indicative of how society views male friendship. Now, at this point in time, having a man cave is a little bit of an outdated concept. Uh, not only in ideology, but also just an execution because no one my generation can afford a home. I mean, I suppose it doesn't necessarily need to be in a house. Um, but basically, it's just a designated room for men to congregate and or escape. It's seen as a bit of a haven, whether that be from the rest of the world or just the rest of the family.

[00:10:59]It's a space to decompress, get alone time, or get time with friends, and play video games, watch sports, play traditional games like pool and ping pong and stuff like that. And if the general public were to list all of the things that they would picture going on inside of a man cave, right, a space that is specific and designated for male friendship, I don't know if a lot of people would list intimate conversation as one of the things that would happen.

[00:11:25]And I would even go as far as to say that envisioning deep, meaningful conversation and emotional intimacy between male friends inside of a man cave might come across as a juosition for many. Dang, this place is nice. You got a place to sit in a roof. It's got everything. Testosterone Tavern. What can I say? Yeah. Hey, you know what? We need to develop our emotional connection and deepen our brotherhood through intimate conversation.

[00:11:53]>> Uh, I was going to say hot wings, but uh I was thinking we could play a game.

[00:11:58]Okay. Yeah, like uh FIFA.

[00:12:00]>> We're not really strangers.

[00:12:03]What is that? It's a card game that's supposed to facilitate vulnerable conversation. [ __ ] yeah.

[00:12:08]Okay. Yeah, sure. Sure, man. Let's try it. All right. Um, what is the greatest pain you've ever been in that wasn't physical? Jesus.

[00:12:19]Um, skip that one. Skip it. Uh, the next one. If you were in the mind of your most recent ex, what would they say about you and the breakup and why? What would Tara say about me? God. Uh, probably that she hates me.

[00:12:39]And why?

[00:12:41][snorts] Could be anything.

[00:12:46]Cool. Do you want to ask me something vulnerable now? Sure. Uh, could we get wings now?

[00:12:51]>> But it really shouldn't pose such a striking contrast, right? I would love if we could get to a place in society where a group of guy friends could just get together and just talk about their emotions, cry, let loose. Start sobbing, Jacob. I want to see it. It would be nice to get to a point where that wouldn't be seen as unusually progressive or god forbid even gay. Men themselves have started pointing out how a lot of their male friendships are lacking and pointing out how the foundation for a lot of these friendships is just proximity and liking the same video game.

[00:13:26]>> What's his last name? I don't even know to be honest.

[00:13:27]>> Well, how do you not know, bro? I thought he was your friend, >> bro. What you TALKING ABOUT? THAT'S MY best friend right there, bro. On God, I would take a bullet for that man, bro.

[00:13:33]>> All right. What's his birthday?

[00:13:34]>> Hell no, >> bro. What kind of friendship is this, bro? How do you guys even meet?

[00:13:37]>> To be honest, bro, he just spawned in my life, bro. I don't even know >> what's his gamertag. And while some men talk about this in more of an observational comedy way, just to sort of poke fun at the phenomena rather than expressing that they actually have a problem with it, some men do have a problem with it and they want more out of their male friendships, especially when we can just so overtly uh compare these relationships to female friendships where between, you know, two women best friends. It's like, I know your coffee order from our old college campus, and I know your favorite pastry from the [music] from the bakery down on Allen Street, and I've seen your labia before. Whereas between male best friends, you could ask, "Hey, bro, what's my eye color?" And they say, "What am I, a [ __ ] detective?"

[00:14:23]>> Your birthday's on July the 21st.

[00:14:25]>> July the 21. You've known me for 10 years, and you still don't know my birthday.

[00:14:29]>> What's my birthday then?

[00:14:30]>> Haven't seen that dude in probably like five, six years. You must not be very close if you haven't seen him in half a decade. What the hell are you talking about? I would literally die for that man.

[00:14:39]>> There was even a Tik Tok that went viral a while ago that kind of demonstrated how little some guy friends know about each other and it shocked the nation.

[00:14:48]>> You know how people say men don't know anything about their friends. I made a game to put it to the test.

[00:14:51]>> I went through a breakup this year.

[00:14:52]>> It was really >> Don't ask her name.

[00:14:54]>> I left New York. Broke my heart. What was her name?

[00:14:57]>> I didn't know why I didn't really know why you moved or anything. [laughter] >> And you have met her. I also don't know this.

[00:15:03]>> I can say Mackenzie.

[00:15:04]>> Yeah, I think you're probably absolutely not at all.

[00:15:06]>> For me, I don't know how you can justify knowing so little about your close friend of years unless you have literal brain damage. Don't get me wrong, I'm not memorizing my friend's birth charts and blood type, but I do know about their lives in in at least a general way. A lot of people have noticed that the basis for male friendships tends to be surrounded by a shared interest or an activity rather than emotions, right?

[00:15:33]So, hunting together, playing the same video games, being interested in the same sports, the connection hinges upon an external force rather than internal.

[00:15:41]And while it's great to obviously have things in common and have hobbies that you like to do together, if the friendship is confined by being activity- based, where does the conversation come in? Apparently, it doesn't. as things are right now, I can really understand why male uh friendships are activity based because it's obviously you're not talking. So, if there's no activity, then you guys are just staring at the drywall.

[00:16:07]>> I'm urging you to please have conversations about things that actually matter. Please ask and open up emotionally and vulnerably to your friends and just see what happens. None of your friends will make fun of you for this. If they do, well done. You found out they're not a good friend. Even conversations with certain guys, you're conversating with your boys. If the matter is not about women, they have nothing else to offer. Guys don't have the emotional maturity to know when to step in and go above and beyond for somebody. You can clearly see that this person is not doing well, but you still haven't done your due diligence to check in, to spend time talking with the person. Nine times out of 10, we find out that men's mental health is always down the drain. And you will check when you check this person and see the type of friends he has, you'll find out that this person has so many friends, yet he still feels like he's alone. And that should never be the case.

[00:16:53]>> You know, with women, there are times where sitting around a table and talking for 5 hours straight is the activity.

[00:17:00]But for men, um, that seems to not suffice. They they need something to do in order to justify spending time together.

[00:17:09]>> Bro, what the hell? NO. What [ __ ] Well, I I guess should I just head out then? No. No. Stay, bro. We could we we could drill a hole in the wall for what?

[00:17:33][ __ ] We could go hunting. We're in New York.

[00:17:37]Don't you have mice?

[00:17:39]That's true. Do you want to hunt for the mice then? That could be fun. Uh, we would have to just, you know, obviously use our bare hands and stuff like that since I don't I don't have a gun. Oh, I thought maybe we'd get to use a gun in my apartment. I mean, I guess we can just talk or something. Maybe we can try and play that vulnerable card game again. How about we just throw the remote back and forth for like an hour?

[00:18:04]Okay, there are two articles that I want to mention, both with male authors. uh according to design thyself in regards to male friendship. One part of the challenge is this. A lot of men haven't been taught to see emotional connection as something valuable in of itself.

[00:18:20]Women are generally socialized to recognize that talking, sharing, bonding is the point. But for men, closeness often needs a practical excuse. Watching a match, working on a car, training jiu-jitsu, we meet up through doing something, not to connect. And if that activity disappears, the friendship often does too. Because at the end of the day, the need for connection is not a female trait. It is a human one. Wake that up. Most men don't realize this, but the friendships that we treat as optional, they're actually critical. Not just for happiness, but for health. And Psychology Today points out that these malemale friendships aren't only dissolving because of a lack of things to talk about. They're not enduring because they haven't been forged on intimacy or vulnerability and they don't involve the deeper connections people can make when they're willing to be real with each other. Um, I think it's important uh for men to speak candidly this way with each other because as much as women can point it out, there can be a sense of uh hello, you're a woman, you're a dumb woman. You have no idea what it's like to be a man. This is just how we are. you just you wouldn't understand or you know if you were in my position you would be acting the exact same way but hearing another man pointing these things out someone who is in your position and understands the pressures that you're under and they are setting an example rather than being a commentator from a different social group I really think those conversations will be the things that will start to redefine masculinity because you know it's true that when we think about the value of friendship and I hate to use the word value when we're talking about human connection because it sounds so superficial, but to be straightforward and for lack of a better term, the value that friendship brings to life is community, support, and emotional connection. But if all of your companionships aren't really doing that, then what is the value? We understand that the male loneliness epidemic is real and rampant. So, we created a hyperrealistic AI male bestie to help men fill those gaps in their personal lives, right? We call it Colby, companion of lonely bros. Yeah. Oh, okay. Yeah, that's that's awesome.

[00:20:33]Honestly, I've been feeling a little isolated recently. So, >> a that's super sad, >> right?

[00:20:40]>> He is a great companion for sports bars, sports games, sports matches, hunting, video game sessions. Uh, I think I'm more like looking for someone to talk to. Okay. Yes, he has three different verbal modes. Bruh, fire, and let's [ __ ] go. Oh, okay. Uh, could I test out the bruh mode? Of course. Go right ahead. Okay. Uh, I'm really happy that you're here. [music] You know, when I try to confide in my guy friends in real life, it's kind of just super awkward.

[00:21:11]And, uh, >> bruh.

[00:21:16]>> Oh, that's he he just says bruh. No, he also says fire or let's [ __ ] go.

[00:21:22]>> Yeah, you know, I just I don't know if it's worth the price. But what are you talking about? Come on. Friendship is priceless in theory. Of course, the actual price is $5,000. Another facet of friendship is not only having the ability to confide in someone, but know how to react when someone is confiding in you. And it seems that women have been conditioned to have an easier time doing that. I remember one time I was talking to a male friend of mine and I was just sort of talking about how I was having a hard month cuz like my grandma passed away and like all of this stuff and I know that he cares about me and he wanted to be there for me but all he could really do was just I could sense that he was uncomfortable not because he didn't care but because he didn't know how to respond. And knowing how to react when your friend needs you or is talking about a very hard thing is not innate. It can take a lot of effort and uh calculation almost in the moment and it can be awkward and it can feel very easy to just want to disconnect or disengage because yeah when something really [ __ ] terrible happens it is sort of like yeah I mean what is there to say I don't know what to say. Women feel that way too and especially because people sometimes like to be comforted in different ways and it's not always apparent which way is best. You know, I I don't even know what to do. We were supposed to get married in a month. [ __ ] [ __ ] [snorts] Why are you airing out your pits right now? Sorry. Uh, you know, everything happens for a reason, right? Maybe this is something you have to go through to get to where you're supposed to be. Uh, you know, a life lesson.

[00:23:14]>> BRO, I DON'T GIVE A [ __ ] ABOUT ANOTHER LESSON. OKAY. I GRADUATED like 5 years ago.

[00:23:18]>> Yeah, right. [snorts] Yeah. Uh, I I meant to say what? [ __ ] that man. He looks like a goddamn Cobb salad.

[00:23:27]What? What the hell does that [laughter] mean?

[00:23:29]>> I'm glad his dog died. I I HOPE HIS WHOLE FAMILY DIES.

[00:23:32]>> WHY WOULD YOU say that? But for us women, when it is a close friend confiding in us, I think we are a little bit more equipped to handle that because our friendships have that emotional basis. And honestly, even when women aren't close friends, we can still form fleeting emotional bonds. I mean, there's that whole stereotype about drunk girls in the bathroom becoming, you know, best friends for however long it takes to wash their hands. I remember one time I was in a club bathroom and there was this girl who was telling me about her toxic situationship while we were, you know, washing our hands and trying to hear each other over uh what song was it? Chandelier by CIA was being blasted through through the tri-state area. There's also a stereotype that men tend to respond to things with logic while women tend to respond with emotions, right? And you know that stereotype can can both work in our favor and be harmful against us.

[00:24:22]Obviously, it makes us uh you know more nurturing, more caring, but it also people call us illogical. Uh and it's interesting actually because I sometimes relate to men in this stereotypical regard. When men hear about someone's problem, they tend to list solutions right away. And sometimes for the other person, they just wanted someone to listen, right? And I do feel that logic is my automatic response. And I've actually been working on mediating my responses because I can tell that sometimes um it's like it's interesting.

[00:24:57]I'm using my logic to deduce that logic isn't really helpful here. There have also been times where my female friends are asking me about, you know, arguments or or tiffs that they were having with their male partners and cuz they know that I'm going to be objective with them. For me, being a true girl means that I'm going to tell you the truth.

[00:25:17]I'm not just going to support you blindly, right? Um, and there were times where I actually saw the boyfriend's perspective more than my friend. Um, and I have noticed that a lot for a lot of my female friends, they do re tend to react more like on the emotional side of things. Like this is just a random madeup example, but my friend might say something like he he asked me what restaurant I wanted to go to. Um, but he was like looking down at his phone while he asked and wasn't looking me in the eye and that hurt my feelings.

[00:25:52]There are times where I I really struggle. I'm like, "What are you talking about?" You know, like, and maybe that's just because I'm a more laid-back person or whatever, but sometimes I'm I'm hearing about these things or things that have upset my female friends and I'm like, "What?" I don't think leading with my emotions is always my default. Although of course I am prone to experiencing it. But for example, right, this is something that happened somewhat recently. Okay, be honest. Do you think that people are going to think my outfit looks stupid? I wouldn't worry about it. If someone thinks you look stupid, that's just an internal thought. So there would be no way for you to actually know. Also, if they've verbalized it for some reason, that would just make them socially inept.

[00:26:36]I I You look great. I mean, you're you're good. You look good.

[00:26:40]>> Okay. Thank you. So men, your stereotype is actually my reality and I kind of understand you to a degree. Um, but we do see this emotional intelligence discrepancy also manifesting in the workforce, right? 70 to 76% of therapists are women, a job where the role hinges upon being able to uh, you know, digest and know how to respond to emotional concerns or baggage. And even without the doctorate or salary, a lot of women are taking on the role of therapist in men's lives. Even though they didn't go to school for psychology, they are becoming unintentional therapists for unwanted recreation. When men do build up the courage to share their emotions, a lot of them express that they find it a lot easier to do that with their female friends or partner rather than their male friends.

[00:27:34]Also, specifically as they get older, right, psych.co Co spoke with multiple middle-aged men about their perception of male friendship. Over and over again, men expressed a chronic sense of lack within their male friendships. Eagle, someone who was interviewed, cool ass last name, sought male friends, but like many other men, he found that friendship with men is a lot of activity and discussion about what is happening and never really exploring your inner world.

[00:27:59]Jared 40 felt similarly. I wish it was easier to make friends and keep friends as a guy, but I think it's easier to self-disclose with women. Women, he added, ask better questions and remember to follow up. As Kenneth, a white 28-year-old in Canada, put it, "Women offer me actual relationships, whereas men just offer me experiences. Many men in my work rely centrally on the women in their lives, even when these women do not centrally rely on them." The lack of connection and support in men's friendships doesn't just affect men in their lives, but then it starts to impose itself upon women as well. Of course, a friend or a partner should be someone that you're able to confide in, but designating all of your emotional labor to women or even one specific woman can create an unbalanced relationship. There's even a term for it called a mankeeping which is described as I just did an accidental peace sign which is described as the unpaid social and emotional labor of managing a male partner's relationships plans and feelings when one partner becomes the default planner and confidant the social secretary for the other. You may be maneping if you feel like you are your boyfriend or husband's social and emotional manager. You may remind him to call his friends or to pick up a father's day card. Or you may feel a bit like his therapist, helping him to process his feelings. Mankeeping is about how instinctively women become the emotional home base and how rarely we stop to notice that we're doing it. Very often I hear this line in coup's therapy. I just wish he would take more initiative for reaching out to other men for plans. Barry says, "It's not uncommon for women to set up their partner with a friend's husband. I also hear that some women feel guilty for socializing because their husband doesn't and that she has best friends to rely on while she's it for him." Now, I actually came across a subreddit page where men were discussing the term maneping and um they didn't like it.

[00:29:47]They didn't like it whatsoever. They even went as far as to say that it is misandressous, right? And I think this is where we start to see in terms of the male loneliness epidemic, the finger being pointed at women when the problem is actually a lot more expansive than that. The root of the problem is actually the patriarchy. Okay, big P.

[00:30:07]And I'm not talking pharma this time.

[00:30:09]Some men might feel entitled to having a certain closeness or companionship with women because that is the only place that they feel they're able to get it.

[00:30:17]But instead, I think, you know, why don't we think about why does it feel impossible to get it elsewhere, right?

[00:30:24]You're pointing your finger at a a a small candle in the middle of the room when really we should be paying attention to the forest fire around you.

[00:30:32]Some people might look at this term and think, "Oh god, these evil, evil, evil [ __ ] are complaining about having to provide emotional support to the men in their lives. You disgust me." But really, I think maneping is just putting a term towards [clears throat] a phenomena that we have seen over and over and over again. In fact, it's so interwoven into the fabric of heterosexual relationships that it almost even seems jarring to point it out and be like, "This is something that could change or needs to be changed."

[00:31:01]It's not that your girlfriend should, you know, completely disregard your emotional needs and and not be a safe space for you, but it is more holistic for everyone involved if she is not your sole confidant, right?

[00:31:15]>> Your what is it? Your my right hand >> right hand arm >> man.

[00:31:18]>> Man, >> guy, >> my silly rabbit is what? Being able to have a network of genuine connection is just objectively better than putting all of your emotional eggs into one basket.

[00:31:29]Because what happens when you break up?

[00:31:32]If if you break up, my nar narcissistic, my negative ass. I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but sometimes relationships end. I know. Take it in. Because of men's difficulties maintaining meaningful relationships with each other, it can fall onto the woman to sort of be the emotional and social manager of sorts. Dude, it was great seeing you, man. Bro, for sure. I'm glad that you texted me. Technically, I did.

[00:31:58]Technically, she did.

[00:32:00]>> Oh, wait. What?

[00:32:02]>> Okay. Remember, tomorrow you have a noon appointment at the Burger Shack and then recreational time at Topgolf until 6 p.m. with Kyle and Grant.

[00:32:08]>> All right, copy that. I reached out to Harry, the guy that you hit it off with at Caitlyn's birthday party. You're going to be getting drinks sometime next week pending his work schedule. Ryan's birthday is also coming up this Friday.

[00:32:21]I've already set up an automated DM from your account to wish him a happy birthday. What the hell? I thought his birthday was in October. I don't know what would lead you to think that. I'm sorry. Are you like his assistant or something? No, I'm his girlfriend. Bro, you're dating your assistant? She's not my assistant. She's my girlfriend.

[00:32:39]Oh, okay. All right. Well, I got to get to a therapy session. Uh, but hey, I'll see you when I see you, right? I'll be touching base with you soon. Okay.

[00:32:51]What the hell?

[00:32:54]I just feel like my relationship with my mom just really [ __ ] me up. What is going on? Another distinction that I have seen uh between male and female friendships is the presence of casual roasting. Male friendships are confusing to understand. Someone will be like, "Who's that guy you were really friendly to?" And you'll be like, "Oh, a very loose acquaintance." Then they ask, "Who was that guy you punched as hard as you could in the face and called the goblin?" And you have to be like, "My best friend since third grade."

[00:33:19]>> Although this can exist in any type of relationship, I have noticed that it seems more common in male friendship specifically, uh, an article from The Independent titled, "Cruel comments are the default mode of masculine friendship. Why is this?" And right under it, it says, "When it comes to close male friends, crude psychological warfare always wins out over questions about their health, job, family, or romantic life. And that's how we like it," says Ben Bryant.

[00:33:47]Right. My default and by implication, most comfortable way of communicating with my closest friends also happens to be the least informative and the most abusive. The question is, why do men like me enjoy roasting each other so ruthlessly? He talks about his relationship with his very close friend James. I am not averse to complimenting James. I could simply tell him I love him and this would be true. But manto man, daytoday, this would ring hollow. A man must demonstrate his love by saying something so personal and indefensible that it could have never come from anyone else. You don't banter with your enemies, says Barry. You banter with your friends. Once you intimately understand another man's psychology, there is an art to creating an insult that wounds and delights simultaneously.

[00:34:31]When I tell James he reminds me of the lead in triangle of sadness because he has a negative canthl tilt affluenza in a victim complex, I am saying to him, "Nobody knows you better than I do."

[00:34:43]When I send James a story about a Rwan man who hasn't left his home in 55 years due to an extreme fear of women with the caption, "Is this you?" I am telling him, "I am thinking of you." I think there is something to be said uh about roasting being an indicator for closeness. You aren't going to initiate that type of conversation with just anyone unless you want to be seen as a total [ __ ] >> Oh, I'm sorry. Do you mind if I sit here?

[00:35:07]>> No, go ahead. I actually want some shade. So, your big ass head in front of me might actually work in my favor.

[00:35:16]>> What? Oh, hi. Welcome in. Let me know if you need anything. Yeah, and I'll let you know if I can find you a shirt that actually looks good on you.

[00:35:25]What? So, what kind of symptoms have you been experiencing? Uh, maybe a little bit of altered vision, you know, cuz I got quite the eyes sore in front of me.

[00:35:33]Woof.

[00:35:38]What? I'm just I'm just joking around.

[00:35:40]I'm just joking with you, you know, to create closeness and comfortability.

[00:35:44]Yeah, I'm your doctor. There's no need to do that. I agree. I do think that there is a certain art form to roasting and male friendships. I think it requires a deep understanding of each other to know how to communicate in that way. In my mind, it is a form of emotional literacy, right? Understanding what's acceptable and what's not.

[00:36:03]Knowing when I can push further versus when I need to pull back. So, this isn't to say that playful roasting is automatically indicative of a shallow shallow meaningless friendship. Um, but rather that it's interesting that this tends to be men's default. And I don't think a lot of women operate this way. I can't say that a lot of my friendships involve very much roasting. Maybe lightly poking fun at the most, but you know, I don't think I need to be degraded at brunch. I think I'm okay. It it signals to me that okay, it's it's not that there isn't a lack of love and care, but the love and care when it's expressed, it has to have a disguise, a degradation kink disguise.

[00:36:49]However, you know, if we're in a situation where we want to take the mask off and we really are not used to doing that, it's going to cause like discomfort. And in these situations where we want to take the mask off, typically those are the times where we really need our friend the most. But if roasting is all you have, then damn, I don't know how you're going to navigate that. Yeah, just got the divorce papers today, but can't even look at them cuz your dumb ass can't read, huh?

[00:37:23]What? I mean, your ass has been so depressed, you've barely been hitting the gym, so [ __ ] weak. Probably can't even pick up the pen to sign the divorce papers. What the [laughter] hell? Your wife and your hairline are in a race to get out of your life, and your wife is winning, bro. Another thing that is severely lacking in male friendships is physical intimacy. And I know that a lot of straight men might gag um gag in the negative way, not the positive way. Not, you know, gag, but gag like, "Oh my god, I'm going to be sick." That type. They might shudder at the idea of engaging in physical intimacy with another male friend. Um because the only thing worse than being depleted of platonic physical affection is being considered gay. Cuz of course that's disgusting. For example, from the psych.com uh article from earlier, another quote, Naveiv, 44, a Persian American business coach, spoke about being mocked as a teenager by his friends for expressing affection towards other boys for a look that lingered too long or a pat on the back that seemed more like a stroke than a thack. They called me a fierce and gorgeous god. Do you catch my drift? Fierce and gorgeous.

[00:38:38]He said, recalling the all-purpose signifier for any behavior deemed too feminine. And you know, regardless of gender, physical touch is definitely not for everyone, but on average, women are more comfortable platonically hugging, holding hands, linking arms, cuddling, even kissing sometimes, and it doesn't add a weirdness to the friendship.

[00:38:59]However, with men, on the other hand, when they hug, they have to slap each other on the back just to sprinkle in a little violence to keep things macho.

[00:39:07]There are even jokes surrounding how straight women will openly flirt and even sexualize each other in a way that straight men rarely do. In fact, not to plug my own content, but I actually even made a Tik Tok about this. That's my wife. Take my hand in marriage in a bestie way.

[00:39:24]Scissoring. Do you think I could hit it from the back? Platonically, of course.

[00:39:28]Oh my god, girl. You look so good in that photo. My face is a seat of friendship. The main thing that gets in the way of platonic affection uh between men and even emotional expression that we've been, you know, talking about this whole time is this little thing that we all know and love, homophobia. Um, are you guys acquainted with that? I know I've been. The rhetoric I see from not only straight men but a lot of straight women I think plays a major influence as to why guys do not feel comfortable being platonically physical physically affectionate with each other. I want to make a dedicated video about this topic but you lot a lot of you women I don't like what you're doing right now. Okay.

[00:40:10]A lot of the times when when you're ragging on a straight man, like maybe your ex-boyfriend or something, [snorts] the gotcha or the insult really just boils down to you're gay or what are you a [ __ ] woman? You know, I saw this one thing that I was like, um, my ex-boyfriend was such a [ __ ] It's basically like I was a lesbian.

[00:40:32]No, Caitlyn. For every woman who wants a more fluid man, who's a little bit more flexible in his masculinity, there's also a woman who wants a macho, traditionally masculine man. And if I were to, obviously in my circles, a lot of my friends and the people I know, they're like, I need my man to be a little bit like queer or something. But I I think that's just my circle. I think there are more women on average who want someone a a man to be masculine. I've actually met a few other wise liberal women who have expressed that they wouldn't want to date a by man um because of internalized homophobia. They they will even straight up say that I don't want to date a by man because of my internalized homophobia.

[00:41:16]At least you're aware of it, I guess. Or they will express that if they found out that their boyfriend had had those types of relationships with men in the past, it would make them feel differently about them. not necessarily they wouldn't love them anymore, but it would make them feel differently. Now, of course, we're talking about actual sexual experimentation, but the thing is is that the threshold for male uh platonic physical affection is so narrow and so low that any sort of, you know, physical affection between two male friends would automatically maybe be considered as sexual, even though it's not. They're genuinely friends. You know, this isn't to say, "Oh, men can't let a hug linger because of these gayhating women, these Bible thumping broads." No, men are also capable of upholding homophobia all by themselves.

[00:42:05]They're big boys. They can do it themselves. Like I said, homophobia is upheld by many. In fact, homophobia can even create community despite gender, and that's so beautiful. However, I have noticed that women want a man who is in touch with his femininity in the emotionally intelligent way or being able to express their feelings, but they have more of a hard line when it comes to physical affection uh and when it comes to questioning the structures of masculinity um not in relation to them but in relation to the other men in their lives. A lot of people have pointed out how the only society acceptable avenue of physical affection and male friendship is sports. Now, I don't think that this is consciously a reason that men are keen on playing sports, but I do think it's a bit of a cherry on top. Don't you think? It's like a loophole for physical affection between men, right? You know, if our pinkies touch or if we make eye contact that even lingers a little bit too long, I basically need to buy a ticket to Fire Island. However, if we add in an essence of competition and aggression, even though I am wearing a skin-tight uniform and we are skinto skin rolling around on the ground, I have the taste of your sweat on my lips.

[00:43:25]For some reason, I've never felt manlier. So, what do you like to do for fun? I love girls who ask [ __ ] like that. Uh, I really am into sports. I think that wrestling is probably my favorite. Okay, cool. Uh, like competing or watching? Oh, definitely competing.

[00:43:41]Yeah, my bros and I, we made this club.

[00:43:43]I love it. I love it. There's nothing else like wrapping your arms around your bro, tightening up, rolling around on the ground, skin to skin, grinding, rubbing, sweating, feeling the contour of their muscles against yours, rigid, rigid, rigid, flipping them over like a [ __ ] pancake. Looking them in the eyes while I dominate them.

[00:44:04]Yeah, it's [ __ ] fire.

[00:44:08]Yeah, that sounds really fun. I really like football, too, because there's also no other feeling like watching your boy get a home run and then slapping them on the ass like a [ __ ] donkey, right? You mean a touchdown? Touchdown.

[00:44:21]Touching down there. Hell yeah, baby.

[00:44:24]That's a part of the game. However, I have been seeing more men trying to normalize platonic affection in their male friendships. And honestly, I love to see that. And I would guess that these are the same types of men who are also uh you know advocates for male emotional expression as well. And I really do think that these are the types of men that will push us towards a more positive direction. Especially when a lot of the things that we see specifically online lean so so negative that it it's sometimes the stuff I see online is so negative. I have to remind myself that there's good men out there.

[00:44:57]The last thing I will touch on is a Google form that I posted. I posted this on my Instagram story. I wanted to ask people about observations they have uh as women, men and gender non-conforming people when it comes to friendship. The question I asked specifically was, "What is something you think could use improvement in your friendships with the same gender? Do you see different, [clears throat] pardon, do you see differences in your same gender friendships versus opposite gender friendships?" And then I kind of rewarded that same question for non-binary or gender non-conforming people. I also stated this in the survey. Uh, my audience is mainly girls and gays, and there's definitely some straight men as well, but this survey sample is heavily biased. So, this isn't supposed to be a part of some sort of peer-reviewed scientific journal. Okay, this is just for a girl who has a YouTube channel and she's a nice girl.

[00:45:50]Is that okay? I got around 550 responses. So, I just want to paraphrase some of the trends I saw amongst my audience that reflect everything we've been talking about, right? Men and women of all sexualities state that it's easier to form emotional bonds with women rather than men and the friendships with men tend to fall more on the superficial side and are not as emotionally complex. Overall, basically everyone expresses that women are better at checking in and asking follow-up questions. There were a couple of women who stated that they feel more comfortable being friends with men uh because they feel that other women judge them or will have passive aggressive ways of addressing conflict. Many gay men specifically state that their friendships with women. They don't feel the need to dull themselves or appear more masculine in order to appease or fit in. A lot of aphab non-binary are femresenting non-binary people stated that in their friendships with men, they feel they are still seen as women and their gender is kind of disregarded. A lot of gender non-conforming people and women stated that they wish their straight cis male friends would do more work to understand the patriarchy and think more critically about the world around them. The next time I do a survey like this, I might try and make it like a a scale or a multiple choice thing just so I can get like tangible numbers.

[00:47:03]Uh, but those were a lot of the things I was seeing amongst those who responded.

[00:47:07]Overall, I think we could really just all try and cultivate friendships that are emotionally fulfilling and um not let our our pride or expectations, societal expectations get in the way of that. Confiding in someone, having a deep conversation, or desiring closeness with another person is not, or it should not be a gendered pursuit. So, just make sure that you're watering your garden because your [music] friends are flowers.

[00:47:38]Are you guys going to click off after that? Well, good, because the video is already over. Um, I hope you all enjoyed watching, and I hope that you get to hang out with your friends soon. And, um, great. Until next time.