Being A Mom Vs. Being A Dad / Starter Marriage

Hinzugefügt: 2026-05-12

[00:00:00]Welcome back to Starter Marriage, a show where we examine modern marriage from every angle, including our own relationship. I'm Allison Raskin. I'm a New York Times best-selling author, relationship coach, and I did this introduction perfectly.

[00:00:16]>> You did. You finally did it. I'm so proud of you. Oh my god. Uh, and I'm John Blakesley. I'm a writer. I'm a policy researcher. And uh I am I am starting to get a little frustrated with audio.

[00:00:34]>> Tell me more, John.

[00:00:36]>> Well, it's it's unclear um if this is going to be any good. Um no idea how to get rid of a buzz. There better not be a buzz this time. Probably will be. Uh >> believe what just happened. Um, it took me 30 minutes to um, figure out what was happening because your voice was coming through much lower and then my voice was coming through much lower.

[00:01:00]>> But what happened was my voice when we played it back was like this. It was like, welcome to starter marriage. And John was like, I don't hear a difference.

[00:01:10]And I like I was like, I'm pretty sure it's deeper. It sounds It doesn't sound like me. And my own husband was like, I couldn't tell.

[00:01:21]And then I was like, I bet he'll know with his voice. So then I made him do it and do a sample. And then you immediately could tell there was a problem.

[00:01:29]>> Right. Hold on.

[00:01:31]>> I want to see how hot these things are.

[00:01:36]>> So, this is like one of those this is one of those tricky times in a marriage where for me to be right, you had to suffer.

[00:01:48]>> What do you mean?

[00:01:49]>> Like my whole thing was that trying to get better audio was going to be a [ __ ] nightmare, >> right? and that it wasn't going to be worth it and that it was going to take up way too much time and be super stressful and terrible.

[00:02:03]And I'm right, but I'm sad that you had to suffer.

[00:02:08]>> Well, here's the thing. I just don't think we can ask people to pay for our podcast if we don't put in the time to, you know.

[00:02:15]>> Oh, that's not true. Do you know what people pay for?

[00:02:18]>> The content out there is terrible.

[00:02:21]>> Yeah, that's fair. That's fair. Because also last week for the audio you spent what six hours trying to figure it out.

[00:02:28]>> Yeah. And by the time that the weird >> Yeah.

[00:02:30]>> the weird visual thing I was done. It was already past.

[00:02:33]>> I figured it out and then the color was off.

[00:02:36]>> Right.

[00:02:36]>> Because of all the compressing and all the the wild stuff.

[00:02:39]>> But I've learned a lot about frame rates.

[00:02:41]>> Oh, >> about K hertz, which was our uh problem but moments ago. And so I'm getting better every week. Yeah, it is a real push and pull because I, you know, the the desire to be right is is one of the worst uh desires in a marriage and I was guilty of it and I apologize.

[00:03:02]>> You always have that desire.

[00:03:03]>> You don't like to be right.

[00:03:04]>> I Well, it's lucky for me. I'm usually am.

[00:03:07]>> Okay. Well, anyway, this week we're going to be talking about the difference between being a mom and being a dad. At least through our experience, right? We can only really speak for ourselves, but I think we're noticing in these five months of parenthood that we're having rather different experiences.

[00:03:25]>> 100%. 100%.

[00:03:28]>> But first, it's time for everyone's second favorite segment. Marriage moment.

[00:03:38]>> Honestly, I thought that was really good.

[00:03:39]>> Thank you.

[00:03:40]>> Yeah. 10 out of 10.

[00:03:41]>> I'm kind of recycling things at this point.

[00:03:43]>> Yeah, I know. I know.

[00:03:44]>> But there's only so many jingles. How many times can you do it right?

[00:03:47]>> You know, in a new way.

[00:03:49]>> That's why international question on the JBU podcast was good because I just did it the same every time, >> right?

[00:03:54]>> People might have thought it was pre-recorded, but I did it live, baby.

[00:04:00]Okay, so my marriage moment is a parenting one, which is, you know, sometimes babies cry. Um, oftentimes babies cry. And for whatever reason, one day, John started going beep beep boop to Parker. Beep bity beep. Say what? And for whatever reason, Parker was transfixed.

[00:04:29]>> It's robot jazz, baby.

[00:04:30]>> And so we have now dubbed this genre robot jazz. We both do it whenever he seems upset. M >> I immediately go into beep boopity boop.

[00:04:40]And I just also wanted to share not just as a marriage moment, but as a as a as a parenting tip, see if your baby likes robot jazz.

[00:04:48]>> Robot jazz.

[00:04:49]>> Maybe we've uncovered something that really calms their nervous system.

[00:04:53]>> Yeah. You become a cool robotic cat who uh can play whatever instrument that robot is playing and he's into it.

[00:05:01]>> But I love that like Oh, we both just like so latched on to this thing.

[00:05:05]>> Oh yeah, absolutely. They were like, "Oh, thank God we figured it out with robot jacks."

[00:05:09]>> But then sometimes like from the other room, like when you're dealing with him, I'll just hear him whailing and I just hear Allison going beep bop boop boop beep bop boop boop. He's just like it's like not working at all.

[00:05:20]>> Does it work anymore?

[00:05:22]>> But for like so for two weeks it worked.

[00:05:25]So we're just still so committed to it.

[00:05:27]So if you just like didn't understand what was happening, you just walk in and be like, "Oh, so Parker's crying and Alison's losing her mind.

[00:05:38]It's not untrue.

[00:05:40]>> All right. So, my marriage moment.

[00:05:41]>> Yeah.

[00:05:42]>> So, when you came home from from the uh convention, the book convention, >> um hadn't seen Allison all weekend.

[00:05:54]She's coming back from a romance convention >> one night.

[00:05:56]>> And she steps in to the door and I go, "Hey, honey. Great to have you back."

[00:06:01]And she goes, "I'm so scared."

[00:06:05]Like, "What?" She's like, "I'm so scared."

[00:06:12]And I'm like, "Oh my god, did something happen on the road?" And she's like, "No, I listen to this podcast about these aliens."

[00:06:21]And you know, she's always she uses that voice. You people know the voice. And and and I'm like, "What?" And she's like, "It's so spooky and scary." Ooh.

[00:06:35]>> And then like she got she >> I was so scared. I was like, I was so scared.

[00:06:40]>> And then >> it was like the one of the most scared I'd ever been in my life.

[00:06:43]>> She had to like sit down and watch something else. She had problems getting to sleep cuz she was so scared. And and then like the other night I brought it up. I was like, "Do you remember when you did that whole thing about how you were so scared from a podcast, but then you just kept saying that you were so scared?" And she and then she just went to me, "Now I'm so scared. I thought about that podcast again. I'm so scared now." And she like put the light back on to read more of her Kindle because she was so scared. Can you Can you do the voice? Can you >> or do you have to be properly scared?

[00:07:20]>> You have to be properly scared, but it's like Do the voice.

[00:07:25]>> I'm so scared.

[00:07:27]No, it's not it. It's like I'm so scared.

[00:07:30]>> It's almost like you're mocking yourself.

[00:07:32]>> Yeah. I can't even do it. I have to be in a state of of true terror.

[00:07:35]>> Yeah. Allison does this thing where it's like she's almost making fun of herself.

[00:07:39]Um she's like, "I'm so scared." But she is.

[00:07:44]>> I'm really scared.

[00:07:46]>> I was so scared that time. Well, cuz what happened was It was a podcast called High Strange and I'd already listened to season one and hadn't been scared. I'd been okay. But then I was driving home and like the pitch black because like our highways are not well lit enough.

[00:08:10]>> You're crying.

[00:08:11]>> It was so scary. And so, and so what happened was they were telling the story of this guy who got who got abducted and then they just kept playing a human scream. And this scream, I don't know. I'd never heard a scream like this that was so realistic. And you could just tell like how scared the guy was through the scream. Like his scream was just terrifying. It was just like >> but the screen was not him seeing the aliens because they recorded it after the fact.

[00:08:46]>> So it was just like a great >> but like >> retelling a great performance from whoever screamed. Was it the guy screamed?

[00:08:53]>> I don't know.

[00:08:55]>> But then also what's so like I became very afraid of what it would be like for me if I was ever as afraid as that guy was. But you weren't afraid of the aliens. You were just afraid of a theoretical future where you were as afraid as that guy was in that moment from his screen.

[00:09:17]>> It seems so terrible.

[00:09:19]It seems It seems so terrible to be that afraid.

[00:09:23]>> And then I can't even bring this up to you because then you can't sleep and you'll say, "I'm so scared.

[00:09:30]>> I'm so scared."

[00:09:34]But also what's so funny about you're losing I feel so emotional about this. What's also so funny about this is while the guy was telling the story about what had happened to him, he was like while I was screaming, the aliens were like, "Is there anything we could do to get you to calm down?"

[00:09:58]The aliens are so nice.

[00:10:03]So he's just and the alien's like, "Whoa, whoa, whoa."

[00:10:08]>> Weirdest way.

[00:10:11]>> Yeah. I guess just the idea of being that scared where you can't even stop screaming was really scary to me.

[00:10:20]>> I'm crying.

[00:10:22]>> That's so scary.

[00:10:26]>> All right, I won't bring it up again. I had to tell the people about it, though.

[00:10:30]>> Wild. All right. Okay. Well, here's our listener submitted marriage moment. A little more grounded, perhaps.

[00:10:38]>> You never enter a room in a normal way.

[00:10:42]All right. What's the next marriage moment?

[00:10:43]>> Is this a pay to play?

[00:10:45]>> Yeah, this is a pay to play. So, this this listener was very smart because they sent an email to [email protected] and in the subject line said Patreon member.

[00:10:56]>> Did you did you double check?

[00:10:58]>> NO.

[00:11:01]SO, this person might is either is well, they're very smart regardless.

[00:11:06]>> They're very smart regardless.

[00:11:07]>> They're either very smart and uh and a liar, >> right? Because we said that we are going to prioritize Patreon members marriage moments, >> right?

[00:11:16]>> I didn't check. I just believed I believed in them.

[00:11:19]>> All right.

[00:11:21]>> Well played if not.

[00:11:25]>> Hi, John and Allison. I was listening to the listener submission in your latest episode about whether partners should also be best friends and remembered something about my own. My partner introduced me to Brooklyn 999 when we just met each other during grad school.

[00:11:39]A lot of those early days during lockdown, we spent munching on snacks in his dorm room laughing at Brooklyn 999 episodes. Fast forward to when I moved to Connecticut for my PhD in 2021 and a new season of the show had just released. I decided to watch it with my roommate. We sat down to start and soon I realized that I wasn't having much fun. Even though this is one of my favorite shows and I'd been anticipating it for months, I soon realized that it was because my roommate wasn't laughing at any of the jokes or places in the show I was laughing at. We were laughing at completely different points and didn't find any of the same things funny. That one episode was the only one we watched together. I really yearned to watch it with my partner, but we were long distance and in different time zones. When I finally finished my partner in Germany that Christmas, he suggested we watch the same new season.

[00:12:29]As we got comfy, we started laughing at the exact same jokes and bits. It coincided perfectly. I realized that this has always been a huge foundation of our relationship, our similar sense of humor, and it's only grown more similar over time to include specific bizarre references and bits only we know about. We often find ourselves turning to look at each other in theaters and even doing group conversations because we notice the exact same funny/ strange detail. I'm a cognitive science major and a study recently came out that showed that long-term partners' brain waves show synchronized mirrored activity when watching the same video compared to friends and strangers. I totally knew this to be true from experience long before that study came out. Shared giggles and telepathic silliness is definitely one of my most cherished qualities of our seven-year relationship. Whenever I feel like a weirdo or alone in my strange neurode divergent brain, my partner makes me feel less alone because I know there's always going to be someone who sees the world the way I do and laughs at all the same jokes.

[00:13:32]>> A that's so lovely. I love that one.

[00:13:36]>> And it is so true when you're watching a comedy.

[00:13:39]>> Oh no.

[00:13:43]And it is so true when you're watching a comedy that like it matters if you laugh at the same parts.

[00:13:49]>> Yeah. Do you think we laugh at the same parts?

[00:13:51]>> I laugh at more parts. No, I don't know.

[00:13:54]Actually, no. Not all the time. But there was one one moment in a show that we watched recently that like the moment was like so unexpected that we both lost our minds. Do you know what I'm talking about?

[00:14:06]>> The Here we go. Here we go. Here we go.

[00:14:07]And DTF St. Louis. Yeah. We both lost our minds. And >> it was one of the funniest things I've ever seen in my life. And it's like not that funny of a show. Like it it's >> it's kind of funny show.

[00:14:18]>> It's It's funny, but it's not like the show that you think it's like going to make you laugh the way that we laugh.

[00:14:23]>> Yeah. Yeah. We laughed really hard.

[00:14:24]>> We laughed really hard. The scenario. It was just so unexpected.

[00:14:30]>> Yeah. like every cuz it was like a detective >> a detective who plays it really serious was like was about to like raid someplace and he was like with all these cops and he was like here we go. He was like, "Here we go." And then they're all running up a staircase and all the cops are going, "Here we go. Here we go. Here we go. Here we go." And then the detective the detective was like, "Stop it."

[00:14:58]>> It was just like It was a It was a moment of absurdity. Yeah. Where you didn't expect it, but it was just it was like in We had to pause and keep to have a proper laugh break.

[00:15:07]>> Some Yeah, we had a proper laugh break.

[00:15:08]Sometimes when we're watching a show, I'm like, "That's an Allison joke."

[00:15:11]>> Oh, really?

[00:15:12]>> Yeah. Like, I know that's going to kill Allison. Or or in that same show, I don't remember if it killed you, too, but it it's like a me joke. I feel like was um uh where the guy in it um who's the guy who's not Jason Baitman.

[00:15:25]>> I don't know.

[00:15:26]>> The other guy, >> David Harbor, >> he's talking about um what's what's her name?

[00:15:32]>> Uh the wife.

[00:15:33]>> Yeah.

[00:15:34]>> I don't know.

[00:15:34]>> [ __ ] >> Just say his wife. Okay. So, the part that he's talking about, the guy's talking about his wife and she's recently taken up a um umpiring job and and he's talking about how he can't feel attracted to her in all of her umpiring gear. And then it just like while he's talking this through, it just cuts to this like kind of like oldtimey footage or grainy footage of her in this just gig Linda Cardellini in this like gigantic umpiring attire that is just way too big and she's just doing like these weird like moves and stuff. Just killed me. Oh my god. Killed me.

[00:16:19]>> What are What are Allison jokes?

[00:16:22]Um, like you know when I think you should leave >> when the guy's like um when when Tim Robinson is in the all the stuff that's like the the he's he's like that guy who like goes and like does wacky stuff at the mall but he's like wearing too much stuff and then he's just like I don't want to be around anymore >> like out of nowhere. That's an Allison joke. Um, like for the long I remember one night we were playing one of those games where like you have to guess who wrote the joke with Sean or Rachel and I just knew immediately which one was your joke cuz it was like in all caps. Um, and it was about like I need my mom or like Okay, I made an Allison joke at work the other day. So, um, there was like >> that was a total Allison joke.

[00:17:13]>> I I did a joke that was a total Allison joke. It was it was um the teams was starting and everyone was coming on and um and uh the person running the meeting was like, "Hey, can people just like throw something in the chat so I know that it's >> Oh, this is different than what I thought you were talking about."

[00:17:30]>> Oh, no.

[00:17:30]>> Yeah. What was this?

[00:17:31]>> Okay. So, this was at work. And so, so the guy's like, "Throw some stuff in the chat and we'll see if the chat's working." And so people are like, "Hi, hi. Testing." and and I wrote in all caps um help please HELP and it got a huge laugh and I just thought to myself that is such that's a joke that I make because I'm married to Allison that is Allison's sense of humor 100%.

[00:18:01]>> They got a big laugh.

[00:18:02]>> They got a big laugh. Yeah, they got a big laugh.

[00:18:05]I was thinking of when you like people were like talking about how difficult their kids were or how to raise kids and then you were like my kid can't even roll over.

[00:18:16]>> Oh no, that's kind of a me joke. No. Or you think that was an Alison joke?

[00:18:20]>> But well that's a shared sense of humor.

[00:18:21]>> I was I was in class. Yeah. And uh and like these parents were like all um like humble bragging about their kids by talking about like like gifted and talented programs and how they're we're like talking about like a policy decision anyway. And so they're like my kid was in this and my kid was in this and then like it was clear of like how do we get back on topic and like get them to stop talking about their kids.

[00:18:42]And so then I was just like my kid doesn't even know how to roll over. He's an idiot.

[00:18:48]>> Huge laugh. Thank god.

[00:18:50]>> Yeah. Thank God. Um but uh yeah but >> help please help is so good.

[00:18:55]>> And that would that gave the the professor some leeway to be like all right let's move on.

[00:19:01]>> Very good. Yeah.

[00:19:02]>> So I was I that was a little assist.

[00:19:04]>> Good work.

[00:19:05]>> No problem.

[00:19:07]>> No problem.

[00:19:08]>> Welcome back to Starter Marriage. It's time to pop the question. This is the part of the show where we dive deep into the main topic. And this week our I don't know how to make it a catchy clickbait title, but I'll think of that.

[00:19:20]before this airs. But the the the heart of the matter is the difference experience we're having as a mother and as a father.

[00:19:27]>> Yeah.

[00:19:28]>> Because you you turned to me in bed the other day and you went, "Wow, being a mom's totally different."

[00:19:33]>> Totally totally different.

[00:19:35]>> Yeah. Share what got you to that conclusion.

[00:19:37]>> So, I just been noticing differences. And like and like even on that episode that we did about the cognitive load, like I could tell just like how much our like different experiences are. And u I just like started picking it up more and more. And what really hit it for me was like seeing how when Parker cries, how it affects you in a way that it does not affect me. Like when we're trying to sleep train him and he's like whailing, it's like someone is setting your body on fire. It is like you just can't deal with it. Like like I don't mean that in a bad way. I mean it's just like really seems physically uncomfortable for you.

[00:20:20]And I'm like that's the sound of progress, you know?

[00:20:23]>> We never go more than 5 minutes.

[00:20:25]>> Yeah. You Yeah, we never go more than 5 minutes. But that's because it's also like difficult for you, right? And for me it isn't like I mean it's not like pleasant but I'm like you know like okay he needs this. This is good for him like you know. Um but and so I was noticing these things and so funny you chose the cognitive scientist person. I like did a little literature review and uh like went on to PubMed and and I looked up and it they've actually studied like fMRI scans of mothers and fathers and listening to the sound of their child crying and basically um women's amygdalas like light up and and for men it's like some other part of the brain where I guess like it's like you should help or like like >> I guess I should get up >> like you should get like but it's not like an emergency, right? And so like uh I guess like what's going on in our brains is just like it's just like our bodies have two different experiences.

[00:21:31]And I think before I became a father, I kind of thought about parenthood a little bit like yeah, like it's the same thing. We just call moms and dads based on like, you know, I guess the gender in in this case. Um, but when I'm in it, I'm like, oh, like that I didn't I didn't expect to that there was such a different experience. And I guess I was also reading that like over time like like our bodies will like kind of come to like a middle ground more and that like even leading up to pregnancy like anxiety for women is like way higher than for men. and like scanning for threats and like nesting and all this other stuff. And then like for men it's like something else is going on like like our testosterone really drops right after um birth. And I guess that's like in part to like probably be like more nurturing or something like that. Um but it's just so interesting like like how like on a neurochemical level like our bodies are actually having two totally different experiences um based on our sex. And then like yesterday like or a couple days ago, you were like, "Can you you were eating uh breakfast and and you were like, "Hey, can you Parker kept looking at you and you were like, "Can you like go down there and like, you know, distract him so that I can I cuz if he's looking at you, you have to look at him back, right?" And so, uh, so I'm like trying to like distract him, do some robot jazz, you know, talk to him. And he's just looking past me and looking at mommy. There's mommy. I'm interested in mommy. And it's just like very clear to me that there's like this connection between child and mother that is like just different than I mean, he was inside of you. You were. he's of you like in a way that he's not of me that you guys are just like connected in this way that like I can't access quite. Um I mean it makes me happy that like you guys have that but like it and I've talked to like so many like or several other guys about like this experience and like honestly they have like all had the same experience >> really.

[00:23:51]>> Yeah. And so I don't know how it's like how it plays out in like samesex couples or whatever. Like I can only speak of to my like situation, but but yeah, it feels like very different being a father than being a mother.

[00:24:04]>> But also I think like um in some of our friends like the dad is the primary caretaker. And I wonder if like being in that role makes a difference because like you're like you have to be like so queued into the kid >> all day every day.

[00:24:22]>> So this these studies I was reading it kind of says that but it takes time, >> right? So like if you're a man like it it takes just a longer time because I guess your baseline is not to do that.

[00:24:34]So your body doesn't like know to do that. But then if you are the primary caregiver like over time like I don't know if it ever gets to the point where like >> like like it is for um a woman. But like um but like yes it does. It it will start to take that on as being the primary caregiver. And also if you you know if you adopt or you have a surrogate or you're not you know like I I think it also some of it is it like that connection is like grown through caring and nurturing for the baby.

[00:25:03]>> Yeah. But I mean there's definitely like hormonal things because I gave birth that are also just different that like I've been really struggling with like nighttime scaries, sundown scaries and nighttime anxiety and like >> just like like filled with I was just like filled with dread every night until I increased my soul often.

[00:25:23]>> Yeah. and you just like didn't, you know, like I think like you had like the nights you didn't get good sleep, you'd feel off, but you didn't have like this everyday, oh [ __ ] I'm like filled with total dread.

[00:25:36]>> Yeah. In your body.

[00:25:37]>> No, no, no, not at all. And like I like I don't know how to say that, but okay.

[00:25:44]So like reading this like these studies about like men and women during this experience, it just it it really did make me feel like so um more like empathetic and compassionate towards you cuz I was like I was like oh like her amydala is on fire. Like everything in her body is telling her that this is like danger. Because there were moments when I got frustrated where you where I would want to like snap and be like stop being anxious, right? or like get your anxiety under control, but it's like you're experiencing a level of anxiety like in your brain that is not comparable to mine. And um and so it just like made me have Yeah. It just like made me think about it more because I was like, "Oh, you know, like yeah, like our bodies are different. They're processing in different ways. Evolution has like coached us to to react a certain way."

[00:26:35]like, you know, yeah, we just have to give each other grace, you know, and even I I wasn't even looking for this, but I came across some other paper or something that was talking about how like like the cognitive load stuff and then and then men feeling like they're shouldering like all this physical load and um and like this like talking pass.

[00:26:59]I was like reading this I was like oh my god you think like your experiences are so unique and then you're like oh look at like all these n equals you know 500 or whatever like all these like like um people have such similar experiences.

[00:27:14]Um, it made me laugh at myself and then also uh also feel like I was a part of like some bigger um like story, you know, like this bigger experience that's like very common. And >> yeah, I learned a long time ago that none of my experiences are unique.

[00:27:31]>> Yeah.

[00:27:34]like everybody's been through the thing and then you know working with as a coach like you just see the same stuff come up again and again and it's helpful for people to know that they're not the only one dealing with that.

[00:27:46]>> Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

[00:27:47]>> Um and I think you know to pick up from our our mental load conversation. I feel like we've come to a good place around that where like rather than trying to like fit a square peg into a round hole with our different like strengths now like I just ask you to do more physical stuff. Yeah.

[00:28:08]>> And I just like and that relieves a lot of my time and energy so then I don't mind taking on more of the mental load.

[00:28:16]>> Yeah. Absolutely. And so now we have like these lanes. And then also like I've noticed um we say thank you to each other a lot.

[00:28:24]>> And um I remember I remember there was like a couple comments on that episode was like what do you want to be thanked all the time? And I was like no. Yeah.

[00:28:31]You don't you shouldn't have to be thanked all the time. But now that we've been thanking each other all the time for things. It's nice.

[00:28:36]>> It's very nice.

[00:28:36]>> It's like really nice just to always thank your partner for things and be like thank you. Thank you. It's like oh you feel like feel like oh yeah I did do that. And then when there is like um a harder conversation or like an adjustment that needs to be made, you're like, "Well, my partner thanked me like five times a day for all these other things that I did." So, it doesn't feel like an attack cuz, you know, like cuz we're like thanking each other. And so, that's like a tip I would give new parents like just like every time your partner does something like just say thank you. And like even if it feels a little silly, like it's probably just like nice.

[00:29:12]>> Yeah. when you like cuz like one of the things now is like if Phantom has to go to the bathroom in the middle of the night I'm just like John will go.

[00:29:18]>> Yeah. I'm just >> because we used to split it but I was like I'm doing the mental load John can take the dog out and so but then it's like I always try to make sure that I like from being half asleep I'm like thank you.

[00:29:31]>> Yeah you do when you come back in when I come back in I'm almost like you don't have to thank me this it's the middle of the night it's okay just like keeps just sleep like the point of me doing this is so that you can sleep. Uh, >> and then one time I think I said it like too soft and then I like was like, "Thank you again.

[00:29:50]>> But I mean obviously that division isn't going to work for every couple, but I feel like it's helped us a lot."

[00:29:56]>> Yeah.

[00:29:56]>> Cuz I used to like feel guilty about asking you to do certain things cuz we used to like split doing those things.

[00:30:01]Now I'm just like, "Nope, that that's just like in a John lane and I'm in charge of all these other things."

[00:30:07]>> Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And I have like definitely some lanes too that like are now more minor or whatever. But like um but now it's like predictable for me.

[00:30:15]Yeah.

[00:30:16]>> You know, I don't have to like be constantly thinking like what am I doing that I shouldn't what what am what should I be doing right now? Um which is >> Yeah. like I'm just like not suited to.

[00:30:27]Um but I can but if hey Parker gets up in the middle of the night, I don't feel resentful also that I'm like doing this because it was like before it was like well I'm getting up every night and doing this and like um you know I want credit or like I want I want uh like uh but now it's just like no this is my job.

[00:30:49]>> This is my job. I'm gonna do my job. It sucks, but you know, we're gonna do it.

[00:30:52]And then Alison will do her job and then boom, we're good to go, baby.

[00:30:56]>> It's much better now.

[00:30:57]>> Much better now. Yeah.

[00:30:58]>> And I think another big thing is like the breastfeeding. Like I just like Well, not breastfeeding because he doesn't nurse.

[00:31:05]>> It's breastfeeding. It's still breastfeeding.

[00:31:07]>> Is it?

[00:31:07]>> Yeah. It's still breastfeeding if you're feeding him your breast milk.

[00:31:11]>> Okay. But he won't nurse for me.

[00:31:12]>> Yeah, he won't nurse.

[00:31:13]>> Like that is like so deeply sad to me that he won't nurse for me anymore. And that's I think a thing that like you don't get.

[00:31:21]>> No.

[00:31:22]>> Because you never did it.

[00:31:23]>> No.

[00:31:24]>> And there's no like there's like so much around like the connection and the special time and all my friends being like, "Well, I don't want to I didn't want to stop breastfeeding because it was so lovely to to when they were doing it and I just pump >> to put it in a bottle and he won't take from me anymore." And that's like been a huge loss.

[00:31:43]>> I'm sorry. Um, but like there's like a barrier there where like you like you have no frame of reference for that.

[00:31:49]>> No.

[00:31:51]>> Um, so that's a big difference.

[00:31:52]>> He's looking past me to look at you, >> but like it doesn't affect me in the same way. Yeah.

[00:31:58]>> You know, I'm like, "Yeah, of course he wants to be with mommy." Like that makes sense. But it doesn't >> of course he wants the bottle.

[00:32:05]>> And also just like that that I feel like in a lot of ways like you now were five months in. you now are like totally in the groove of sort of like being out of like the initial postpartum stuff because he's sleeping through the night.

[00:32:19]Like we we have figured all this stuff out, but like I'm still pumping. Yeah.

[00:32:23]>> And so like I'm still like kind of like behind I feel like in terms of like getting getting like the new version of my life. I'm still like in like the thick of like the postpartum part, but I should be done in a couple of weeks. And then I feel like that will be like a whole new stage for me. Definitely.

[00:32:39]>> Like that will be so nice. And I'm I'm I told myself I'd breastfeed for six months if I could and I'm already It's just like I think what I feel guilty about with the weaning off earlier than I meant to is like cuz now I'm down to like two pumps a day. Um is that there's no I don't have to like there's no reason why I need to reduce other than I just want to. Yeah.

[00:33:03]>> And that feels bad.

[00:33:05]>> Like it's like but shouldn't I be doing this for him? Mhm.

[00:33:08]>> Shouldn't I? If I can keep pumping three times a day, shouldn't I? But it's like I [ __ ] hate it. It sucks to pump.

[00:33:19]>> Obviously, I like Parker. He's cool.

[00:33:24]I would even go as far to say that I love him.

[00:33:26]>> Good.

[00:33:28]But like I like for me, I still think that like our marriage and like looking out for you has still been my number one priority in all of this. And so like when it's like I shouldn't you do it for Parker? Like I don't like I try to like I hope you never feel pressured from me cuz I'm always just like stop today. Like stop today. Yeah.

[00:33:52]>> Um because it'll make you feel better and he will be fine. Like trust me, if you think I like looked up uh PubMed for for like a random thought, you can imagine how much like research I've done about like uh you know at this point in his life, you know, um what what we're talking about here in terms of gains and just to me like you being happy is like is like well within um you know the margin here of of of what makes sense.

[00:34:22]Um, >> but it is just like tricky when like the cost is just my happiness which like obviously like matters >> but it's like it feels like an easy thing to sacrifice >> or it feels like a thing I should sacrifice >> like for my baby where it's like if there was a health reason that I had to stop or my body just couldn't produce or like you know he didn't he couldn't the milk was actually worse for him than formula because of his gut like >> you wish you had a reason.

[00:34:50]>> Yeah. Like the reason is just I don't want to and that's like complicated but I'm trying to work through it and I you know I there's only and I think I also just have senior itis.

[00:35:02]>> You do have senior itis >> like now that like we're in that final month of doing it. I'm like I don't want to do like I had to for so long be like this is what you do. You must do this.

[00:35:11]But now it's like freedom's close baby and I can taste this. You're outside smoking cigarettes, going to the beach with your friends.

[00:35:21]Yeah. Have you noticed any um experiences about being a father or like what have you felt like on the other end? Maybe that's not like a fruitful >> I think that you are are like you're not as like cautious with his body as I am.

[00:35:38]>> And I probably don't need to be as cautious with his body. Like you were doing like tummy time with him and you kind of just flung him over. Yeah.

[00:35:46]>> And I was like, "Oh my god." But then he was fine. You know, like >> it was also on the bed, >> right? But even that I'm like So it's like I I'm like excited to see you kind of like play in Rough House with him cuz you'll probably be like comfortable doing things that I'm sure he'll love that will like give me a heart attack.

[00:36:08]>> Yeah.

[00:36:08]>> Yeah. cuz he's still not like I was saying to our friends like he's not yet at the time where like he gets any enjoyment from like his body being moved about.

[00:36:17]>> Yeah.

[00:36:17]>> Like he doesn't like being put up like he doesn't he just like wants to feel safe and secure, >> but like at a certain point he'll start to like to be flung around and play and all that stuff. And I I think it I think that will be a really fun phase for you guys.

[00:36:31]>> Yeah, I can't wait to play with them.

[00:36:32]>> Yeah, I already like playing with my nieces, never mind playing, you know, my my son. Oh my god, I can't wait. So much of that stuff I can't wait for.

[00:36:40]>> I hope I'm strong enough to fling them about. I got to bolt up.

[00:36:45]>> Got to lift the those weights.

[00:36:48]>> Now it is time for everyone's favorite segment of the show. Stay or leave. This is the part of the show where I present you with a hypothetical situation of what I might do in the future and you tell me if you would stay or leave because marriage is a choice, not a trap. Isn't stay or leave also a level of the Patreon?

[00:37:07]>> Yes, it's $10 a month and I believe we have at least two people subscribe to that tier which is very kind and thank you.

[00:37:15]>> And if you are on that tier, you can submit your own stay or leave.

[00:37:20]>> Oh, right. You can submit your own stay.

[00:37:22]>> Pay to play.

[00:37:23]>> And also there's going to be an exclusive Q&A video for all of our patrons. Right. We keep forgetting to plug that because I keep forgetting to schedule it. So, also if you're a patron, please email us a question for us to answer in our in our exclusive Q&A segment.

[00:37:39]>> There you go.

[00:37:40]>> And we can get, you know, we don't have to be as proper because it's behind a payw wall.

[00:37:44]>> We can all say all kinds of crazy stuff.

[00:37:45]>> If you put something behind a payw wall, no one else can see it, >> right?

[00:37:49]>> It's it's not like someone could copy it and then spread it on the internet.

[00:37:53]>> Right. Right. As I've learned from my Substack, somehow it could still get back to your mom.

[00:37:58][ __ ] Okay. As Parker gets older, he starts to say things like, "That's not how mommy does it." when you put on his shoes or strap him into the car seat. This then turns into him asking, "What would mommy do?" before you engage in any activity or chore. When you finally say to him, "We don't have to do it the way mommy does," he says, "Yes, we do. She said to remind you."

[00:38:27]And that's when you find out I have secretly instructed him to say these things because I think my way is always better. Would you stay or leave?

[00:38:37]>> I would leave. That's That is wild.

[00:38:41]You're using him against me or or just to get your way >> because I I genuinely think it's much better.

[00:38:48]>> Not okay.

[00:38:49]>> No.

[00:38:50]>> Nope.

[00:38:50]>> Oh man. You can tell me that, but to tell to tell him to do this thing and to use that as a manipulation that him in his cute little way being that's not how mommy does. No, that because that'll melt my heart and and also make me feel bad about myself.

[00:39:06]>> Like inadequate as a man and father, right?

[00:39:09]>> And so, >> and you don't like that?

[00:39:12]>> No.

[00:39:14]>> Fair enough.

[00:39:15]>> All right. So, yeah, I think I would leave on on those grounds.

[00:39:18]>> Okay, that seems fair. And then and then he'd say, "Daddy, don't leave. Mommy's the best." And I'll told him to say that, too.

[00:39:25]>> Right. Right. I'll be I'll be like, "You're just you're just a mouthpiece for the party. You're the propaganda."

[00:39:30]Coming from >> I'll give you $500 to stay.

[00:39:34]>> I'm already completely expecting the two of you to be in cahoots for like your entire life. Like, he's just going to be sneaky like you. You're going to be playing little >> so many pranks.

[00:39:44]>> So many pranks on me. I just already know the dynamic cuz I already know that. I already feel like I'm kind of the bad cop. Like, you know, like with sleep training and stuff and like I'm like, "Oh, this is how this is going to be. I'm going to be the one enforcing the law and Allison's going to be the sneaky one."

[00:40:01]>> Well, no, we'll both be we'll both be on the same page team, but then there will be pranks.

[00:40:06]>> A and also, if there's a weak link, don't you think you're going to be the weak link?

[00:40:09]>> Absolutely. I am. The dogs have already identified.

[00:40:11]>> The dogs know all about this. And so, the dogs have figured it out. Parker will definitely figure it out.

[00:40:18]Well, thank you all so much for watching. Please subscribe to our Patreon at patreon.com/startermarriage so we can afford another chair and we can be in the same chair which will be visually attractive to everybody.

[00:40:31]>> Absolutely. And uh check out our substacks. Allison's amazing substack is emotional support lady >> and John's phenomenal substack is wrong man for the job. And as we say in our home, good night to me the Alibaba.

[00:40:44]>> Good night to you the Alibaba. I finally remembered that, too.

[00:40:47]>> That was one of the cleaner episodes.

[00:40:49]Hopefully the audio worked.