The 3 Mechanisms Behind Female Grievance

追加: 2026-05-15

[00:00:00]are always lecturing them about risk and about, oh, you can be exploited. Women tell me that all the time. Oh, I hope you've set up a pension fund. Oh, do you have insurance? I can't take it anymore.

[00:00:23]Today we're going to look at the mechanisms that lead to this female grievance culture that we talked about last time. Last time we talked about how feminist literature claims to find an association between women identifying with feminist attitudes, feminist beliefs, and greater psychological health. and we went through the influences that they pushed on girls as a result of these findings and now we're going to talk about then what actually happened. So as we know what we believe it affects what we do, the choices we make and directly affects how we see the world. I think it's very interesting when you look at women's choices nowadays. how they adjust to adult life, I think, is a better indicator than how they claim to feel about themselves in the moment. And that was the fault in that research. It only showed how women felt about themselves in the moment or claimed to feel about themselves in the moment. And one of these choices is, of course, marriage and fertility. So, Pew found that women under 50 without children, they were more likely than men to say that they simply didn't want children. and young men without children, they were more likely than young women to say that they wanted to become parents someday. So there's a gap there. And uh Pew also reported in 2025 that the average number of children men and women have in their 20s and 30s or plan to have that fell from 2.3 in 2012 to 1.8 in 2023. So that's a pretty big drop and that says something about what are the choices that I'm planning to make based on what I believe based on my personality. And so of course no single cause can explain this and feminism is not at fault for absolutely everything.

[00:02:16]But it's difficult to imagine how a cultural narrative of what it means to be a woman has not affected this. If motherhood is repeatedly framed as unpaid labor, as identity erasure and exploitation, then it's not surprising that more women experience the prospect of having children less than meaningful, more as a burden that they want to postpone or they don't want to take on at all. So I think we can narrow the mechanisms down to three three mechanisms leading to this female grievance mentality. The first is externalization of blame. And we know from locus of control research that some people believe their own choices meaningfully affect what happens to them and others believe in luck and fate and other people and forces outside of their control. And in generally the first group cope better with adjusting to adult life and the second tend to struggle more. And this matters because female grievance it trains them to look outwards to locate the cause elsewhere and it protects the self from responsibility from fulfilling expectations. And that's why I think that the way that females are socialized nowadays, it actively prevents maturation. It keeps adolescent patterns on longer. So, you know, if a girl is taught that her dissatisfaction is primarily caused by men or society or beauty standards or any of those things, it protects her ego in the moment. It relieves her of guilt temporarily, but in the long term, she loses what is the most important for long-term success, which is to think that I'm at least part of the problem, so I have to be partly responsible for the remedy. Was I unfair? what do I need to change? And a person who automatically interprets frustrations through external blame, they lose that entirely. And the second mechanism is victimhood and suspicion and how that hardens into identity and personality. Because once grievance colors a woman's perception, she doesn't just notice unfairness, what happens is that she begins to anticipate being exploited.

[00:04:37]>> That's what they do. Okay, they act like they love you.

[00:04:41]>> So even situations where you could interpret it a different way or it's just normal criticism or ordinary human flaws like men are humans too. It's automatically interpreted as hostile, as harm, as humiliation. And what men do will always be interpreted as male malice. And the best example of this is this viral trend mental load. And mental load as many of the other terms started in academia. And it refers to something that's actually real that women do more of the family planning, of the organizing, of the anticipating needs of the kids. And personally, I think it's because we like doing it. And I think that's just, you know, normal asymmetry of family life. I think that men do an equal amount of other things. But you know, because of this perception governed by grievance, women interpret this as inequality. And there's an outcry. The most logical thing for you to think would be to load the dishwasher.

[00:05:48]>> Pew says married mothers were also less satisfied than married fathers with their spouse's approach to parenting.

[00:05:53]And so the automatic assumption is this must be male inadequacy. Men are lazy.

[00:05:59]They're inconsiderate. How can we make fathers better? How can we make fathers do more, etc. But there's a really interesting graph. I'm going to show it to you showing that over time fathers have done more and more and more and now in some places actually do more than the mother because they tend to work more as well and they come home and they do take half of the burdens at home. And of course in the research on mental load, the burdens of the father is just mentioned as a footnote if at all. And I think it's interesting how they use this term inequality because they've already made a moral judgment. Then who determines which contributions count?

[00:06:38]But I think because this trend fits so perfectly with the narrative that the woman is the victim of family life. And also we tend to treat women's emotions as evidence of reality. It's just like with toddlers. Toddlers think, "Oh, this is unfair. I feel that this is unfair, therefore it must be unfair." and you are being unfair. They're not able to make that distinction. And it seems with women, we also become unable to make that distinction. Just because Pew says that women are dissatisfied to their husband's approach to parenting doesn't mean that male are inadequate. But somehow we are still mapping it directly onto male deficiency. So because of this second mechanism, this victimhood and suspicion and anticipation of exploitation has become so hardened in the female psyche in their identity.

[00:07:32]It's marriage for them upon already upon entry is a zero someum game.

[00:07:38]>> Stupid or is it slow?

[00:07:43]>> If I am exhausted, it means you're not doing enough. Female grievance trains them. This victimhood mentality trains them to overemphasize their own contribution and dismissing the husband's contribution that they just don't see it. They don't want to see the burdens he carries. And like nowhere in this research was mentioned that I would think it would be interesting to bring in the difference in income to bring in that the man usually provides the lion share of the income while the females fluctuate.

[00:08:19]it's not taken into account and what's definitely not taken into account is the risk fathers carry because they know should they suddenly no longer be able to provide the divorce risk significantly increases for them. They will be seen as less than. The woman doesn't have that anxiety. She doesn't have to be afraid that if she loses her job, he will see her as less than. Just doesn't work that way. I see with women that they're very afraid of not being able to bear children. The fertility anxiety lies heavily on the women if they're not able to conceive to get pregnant. They have that same reaction.

[00:08:57]And we are endlessly empathetic with women who can't conceive. And as we should, it's a terrible thing. But I would just like to see that same empathy being extended to fathers who carry the burden of bringing in the lion share of the income. And there's research on this. research on interpersonal victimhood. It describes it as a stable orientation where the self is experienced as a victim in every interaction and that's of course linked to assuming the worst about other people's motives and wanting revenge.

[00:09:29]And in terms of personality traits, it's not within the big five, but it fits with the aspect of high neuroticism combined with low agreeableness. And you know incidentally that's similar to the constellation of cluster B traits as we've talked about before higher neuroticism low realness. That means the person is very easily wounded is uh very quick to perceive unfairness and very slow to grant other people good intentions. So they're very suspicious and so they don't say something bad happened to me. This experience was bad.

[00:10:03]They will move through the world as someone that bad things happen to and every disappointment is filed away as just further proof of that hardening the identity more and that's how female grievance becomes part of their psychological makeup. It's that perception starts orienting itself around expected exploitation. I experienced unfairness. It becomes I experienced unfairness because I am a woman. And once that's become identity, it starts creating the very situations that it claims happens. So sexism becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. You start creating it because you anticipate it and you are a person whom sexism happens to.

[00:10:48]>> Siri and Alexa having default female names and voices because they're just like a cute little servant, a little assistant for you. The third mechanism is the rewarded antagonism through culture, through therapy speak and through media. Social media immediately rewards contempt. It rewards outrage. It uses phrases like weaponized incompetence, desenter men, mental load, boundaries, gaslighting, trauma. You know, these are tools that women use to make ordinary conflict into moral injury. And somewhere along the way, I see this. Women are taught that to be suspicious is to be insightful. It's like the quicker she expects exploitation, the more she knows, the smarter she is, and the more perceptive she is.

[00:11:39]>> We as women are hyper aware that the system that we live in was not set up for us.

[00:11:43]>> The less she accommodates the others, the more empowered she appears. So less of that agreeableness. And that's why anything she shows in terms of agreeableness becomes naive. You know, think how infantilizing and condescendingly women talk about trades or talk to stay-at-home wives are always lecturing them about risk and about, oh, you can be exploited. Women tell me that all the time. Oh, I hope you've set up a pension fund. Oh, do you have insurance?

[00:12:17]I can't take it anymore. I just started saying, "No, do I need one?" Just to mess with them. But they just think that they're smarter because they go through the world being suspicious at absolutely everything. And I just always tell them, you have to take risks. Everyone takes risks. The point is to mitigate those risks. But anyway, so they think that they are smarter for just being very suspicious. And there's a scientific basis for this. We know that when you ruminate, when you ruminate on anger, you recover slower, you have more aggression. And that's why this victim mentality is also linked to revenge. You got this aggressive contempt. In earlier structures, women, they would have help in contextualizing, in calming down, and looking at their own part. And men still received that advice. You know, when they go to other men and they talk, they're like, "Ah, calm down. Don't blow up your life." And could you imagine a woman going to rant about her husband to another friend and she telling her to just go take a walk? That would not end well for that friend. But that would be complete betrayal of trust. No, no, no.

[00:13:28]When women go to vent to each other, it's name it, validate it, call it out, post it, and most importantly, locate what needs to change in your environment. Right? that regulation of the environment instead of regulating within. And so, of course, there's social media. It intensifies this. It rewards the outrage, the convictions, the frustration. Everything that he does, I'm like, and whether or not it's a performance, doesn't matter if it's fake or not. If you do that enough, over time it becomes habit. It becomes your belief. It becomes a part of your identity. And yeah, over represented in the social media stuff is sadly therapy speak. And this again, I just psychiatry has to be brought in as a culprit in the change of the female psyche with popularizing the clinical language.

[00:14:22]We've given the grievance scientific authority. Women aren't just angry or disappointed or jealous or exhausted or afraid. They're triggered. They're disregulated. They are traumatized and they're invalidated and unsafe. The adjusting to adult life, the life she's expected to lead by the mean society, this has made her sick. But the real danger in using this clinical language is that the faulty perception that we talked about, the perception that's filtered through the grievance, that distress, it's now a symptom. And that makes it so hard to deal with because you can't tell someone with a symptom to grow up. You can't tell them to do anything about it without sounding completely invalidating. And are you a mental health professional? Right? The moment you say a symptom is, well, you should go talk to someone about it. And what happens when you go and talk to someone about it? You're validated.

[00:15:23]You're medicated. You're infantilized.

[00:15:25]No. No. When a woman comes and she uses clinical language, you can't tell her to learn to tolerate frustration. That'll be minimizing trauma. You also can't tell her that it'll pass. It's negative and it'll pass because then you're not understanding how completely terrible it is. So, therapy speak has made the expectation of stoicism from women completely impossible. when we use the language, when we use therapy speak, people are forced to accommodate and this growth, this development stalls. So I think that these three mechanisms, the externalization of blame, the victimhood mentality and the rewarded antagonism, those three together, they arrest development and it's a result of this female grievance. So externalization, it protects the ego from responsibility.

[00:16:20]The victimhood identity, it organizes perception around anticipated harm and rewarded antagonism turns resentment into status into a sense of belonging.

[00:16:31]So that's how I see that the female psyche has changed and makes it difficult for them to adjust to adult life. And that's why we're seeing all these broad indicators that they are postponing adult life, that they feel ambivalence towards it, and that they're distressed when they obtain it, and that they more and more seek mental health labels to deal with it. And so, back to this feminist well-being literature, what they showed was that women, they report feeling more autonomous, more self-accepting, more assertive. But you know the relationship literature points to something completely different being needed to achieve that long-term success in relationships. It shows that gratitude is needed. Gratitude in everyday interactions that predicts greater connection, better relationship satisfaction and along with that self-trcendence values, constructive communication and sacrifice. noticing what's being given, not just what's missing from you. And that's why grievance culture makes women less prepared, less able to adjust to that long-term success. And that's the trade-off that this feminist well-being literature never really measures. On the contrary, it reverses that training. It teaches women to keep score, to scan for exploitation, and to treat this gratitude that is needed for long-term success as naive. So, that was that. Let me know what you think in the comments and below. Let me know if you think I missed anything. If there are other examples, I'm very happy to hear it.

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