When You Set These Boundaries, Avoidants Fall For You

Ajouté : 2026-05-15

[00:00:00]Hello everybody. I'm a practicing therapist and a doctoral student of psychology. Today we're going to talk about how to set boundaries with avoidance and when you set these boundaries, they actually fall harder for you. We have addressed this in a lot of sessions and if you want a session with me that is pinned in the comments.

[00:00:16]This is one of the most common themes.

[00:00:18]It's also requested a lot in the comments section. And so I want to make more videos focusing on boundaries and communicating properly with avoidance because most of the times and I'm just being fully fully transparent as I always am. A lot of the portion of sessions that I have with you guys if it applies if it doesn't it doesn't. We're talking about how to set some boundaries not just physically but like emotional boundaries. Um we're talking about is this relationship worth it? Are they really avoidant? And I'm always going to be 100% honest with you because I don't want you to waste your time or your money and I want you happy. And if I have information, I'm going to give it to you. It's up to you to decide if you want to, you know, follow that. That's for you to decide. But the goal when I have these sessions is to give you something, give you some direction, help you understand where see what you're doing and what they're doing where you guys can meet in the middle. And if it's a couple's call, um my couple's calls are a little bit longer for obvious reason. I need to communicate with both you guys what needs to be done. But overall, the goal is that there's some direction. And this doesn't mean an ultimatum or to be mean to them. It just means be more clear and take space even when it's necessary, like when it's necessary for you, even a couple hours.

[00:01:29]And if you need to book a call with me, that's pinned in the comments. But today, I want to talk about how we can do this in a general guide. The fifth point on this is particular for female avoidance. it it can work for male avoidance and it does but I want to first mention why I'm pointing out the female avoidant part. Okay, they may react poorly at first, particularly female avoidance if they aren't used to the boundary. But what I want you to do is I want you to hold your own and it can really make a difference. Do not cave to her emotion. I've had many sessions with a lot of y'all that are dealing with a female avoidant and you struggle with that one. That's the fifth one and we'll talk more about it. you if there's one thing and you're struggling and you have a female avoidant in your life, try that one because that's the one among all of these points that you guys are struggling with if your partner is a female avoidant. If your partner is a male avoidant, you guys don't struggle with that one as much. Okay, so the first one is get clear on what you actually need. Before you say anything, I want you to figure out what your limits really are. What do you need more of? Do you need honesty? Do you need reassurance? Do you need space? Do you feel uncomfortable or drained? Do you feel disrespected? Do you feel like there are certain things you can no longer tolerate? If you're vague with yourself, you'll be vague with them. And that's honestly where a lot of this confusion truly starts and then they start reacting poorly and it just it doesn't work well. And so, please keep that in mind. The next one is I want you to communicate directly, softly, like soften the edges, not aggressive, but I want you guys to use facts. And facts are really important. they they might not react the best, but I want you to really think about where this is going because the facts actually help them to hear that what you're saying is not emotional because the most common rebuttal that avoidance feel when a person is communicating is you're just using your emotions. But if you communicate with facts like using frequency or numbers, it can actually help in the long run even though it's triggering at first. I want to give an example because I don't want you guys to say this is the percentage you do this, you're a hurtful person, you're mean.

[00:03:30]That's not really what I'm saying. I'm saying you might say I noticed that you have been cancelling on me a lot. I do want to say I'm not mad. I'm a little disappointed, but I took time to realize what's going on, why I feel this way. Is this even accurate? And I actually noticed I kind of counted for the last month or so that you've actually canceled on me about 50% of the time.

[00:03:50]And I haven't seen you in 3 weeks. And so I'm saying this not because I'm trying to reprimand you, but genuinely because I want to fact check myself and I'm actually realizing this is kind of this is something that I I feel like I have the right to be a little frustrated about. Can we talk about this? And so by saying it more like that, especially if you have rapport built, they can hear that you were truly honest about this. You were you were not emotional is the best way to put it. you were communicating in a way where you checked yourself, you made sure that you're not being emotional because that'll really make them that'll appeal to them if you say it more like that.

[00:04:28]And then the frequency that you mention will make more sense. And I think a lot of times with when people sorry I notice people who do not want to talk like that, it's because they're afraid that it will push the other person away. If you start the way I kind of started, a more soft startup, then it will land better typically. And especially at the end if you say, "What can we do? I want I'm open to hear your side." It can really, really help. So the next step is you want to allow the other person to react. You don't want to take their reaction away. Not everyone is going to love your boundaries. They might feel confused. They might take it personally.

[00:05:04]They might feel like they don't really know who you are. And like, not that you're doing anything wrong, but they might think, "Oh, are you changing? Am I losing you? Who is this new person?" It doesn't mean you're wrong. It just means the dynamic is changing. Healthy people adjust over time. It's not going to happen right away, even the most secure person. And so, let them react a little bit. It's okay. But the next point is you don't want to expect that they know what you want. You want to be more clear. And if there's something that you feel um they don't understand, double check. Do you really know that I want you to say happy birthday on my birthday? Right? Like they might not have a clue that that's what you want because they don't care about stuff like that. And you might be sitting there fuming and angry that they didn't text you on your birthday when in actuality they have no clue that's what you want.

[00:05:51]And you might think that's so obvious.

[00:05:53]Anyone should know. It's not. It's really not. They don't think that way.

[00:05:57]And so communicate if even if it's something really little, double check.

[00:06:00]Do they really know what you want?

[00:06:02]Communicate that. Um the next one is the fifth one. The one that you guys who are with female avoidance, I'm just being completely honest. You guys struggle with this one so much. Like it's so common you guys struggle with this. And again, I'm not grilling y'all. And if you want a specific thing, obviously you book a call with me, but in general, I want you guys to really take note of this one. I want you to be honest how you feel, even negative stuff. This particularly works with female avoidance. It does work with male avoidance as well. But I'm going to give an example about some things that I like is an example that I notice comes up a lot. Let's just say you say, "To be honest, I had fun, but your mood towards the end killed the mood a little bit.

[00:06:41]You guys don't say this stuff." And then she has no idea that the way she feels or what she's doing is affecting you cuz you don't say anything. You don't you I ask you guys, well, have you ever told her? And you're like, well, no, I never told her. And it's not like you guys want her to read your mind. That's not what I'm saying. But you'll say like, well, I just don't know how she'll react or she might react poorly. But the reality is she's losing respect for you.

[00:07:04]Like she doesn't even know how you feel.

[00:07:07]And there are other people like I'm not saying other men I'm not saying that but other people in her life like how she was younger she probably had an avoidant parent and that parent would say stuff like this to her all the time like she reads this as this is how two people exchange respect by telling each other the reality even if it's negative and so I want you guys to keep that in mind.

[00:07:27]I'm not saying say only negative things, but every now and again, you know, I'll be honest. I was really, you know, looking forward to this date, and I think we had fun in the beginning, but at the end, you kind of killed the mood.

[00:07:37]That's just my opinion. I'm just telling you the truth. You can just say it like that. It's not that big of a deal, but she has to learn to get comfortable with this because eventually she'll respect you. So, please try this. Please try it.

[00:07:47]Okay. The next one is you're giving too much time before having the first conversation about something. if they disrespected you, if they said something that maybe felt disrespectful. Um, like an example that some of you guys bring up is maybe they say, "You're whining too much." You can say, "Hey, look, I'm having a bad day. I can understand that, but I don't like when people say the word whining. I don't like that word.

[00:08:09]It's disrespectful to me. If you don't want to hear me, we can end this conversation right now. I'm just in a bad mood. I'm opening up to you. I can communicate in a different way, but I would appreciate you not use that word to to me now or ever again. You can say that. It's okay. But you guys wait.

[00:08:24]Maybe they say that you're whining.

[00:08:26]Maybe they say that you're too sensitive. And you let that build up build up buildup and then you crash out at them and they're like, "Where did this come from? You never told me this."

[00:08:33]So when something happens that bothers you, sometimes it's okay to say it right away. It depends. Okay. And the last one is you want to use flexible language in regards to compromise. Show willingness to meet in the middle. What are your thoughts? How do you feel? Is that what your perspective is? What's your angle?

[00:08:48]By saying these things, you're actually allowing collaborative communication rather than one or the other. I hope this video is helpful to somebody.

[00:08:55]Please like, subscribe. I'll see you in the next one.