Conservative Magazine Releases Sex Issue For Horny MAGA Tradwives

Added: 2026-05-10

[00:00:00]You're listening to Hysteria the podcast for people who want to see the devil wears Prada movie where instead of runway it's Eevee and instead of Miranda Priestley it's Peter Teal.

[00:00:12]H the devil's worried about the Antichrist.

[00:00:17]Oh god. All right. Well, let's get into this.

[00:00:20]>> You ready?

[00:00:20]>> Yeah.

[00:00:21]>> All right. Well, we are both Erin and I card carrying paid subscribers of Eevee magazine. a magazine that only makes one physical copy a year, which even even that's up for debate because we never did receive anything in 2025. We've been members since 2024. Um, but they are making up for it with the spiciest issue yet.

[00:00:45]>> The sex issue.

[00:00:47]>> The sex issue.

[00:00:48]>> Look at Look at >> You had the glassy eyed desire on this cover.

[00:00:52]>> Look at that dead eye.

[00:00:54]>> But look, she's a bride. Don't forget, she's married. She's having sex, but she's married.

[00:00:59]>> She's virginal.

[00:01:00]>> She's being married about it.

[00:01:01]>> She's So, you had to be 18 or older to purchase. It was advertised as one of the most comprehensive, beautiful works on sex ever in print. Ever in print.

[00:01:14]>> Thomas would like a word. Mhm. As a reminder, Eevee is a woman's publication that fancies, and to be clear, it is a woman's publication that fancies itself the conservative cosmo. It was founded by Britney and Gabriel Hugaboom.

[00:01:31]Hugaboom.

[00:01:32]>> I'm sorry. That Hugo, it looks like Hugo Boom. Hugo Boom.

[00:01:36]>> Hugaboom.

[00:01:37]>> Huge boom.

[00:01:38]>> And the two also own a menstrual cycle tracking app called 28 Danger. Danger, which is backed by Peter Teal.

[00:01:46]>> Um, okay. So, this is like we've talked about this on the show before. Yeah.

[00:01:50]>> This is sort of um this is propaganda, this magazine, and it it is it is pro-atalist propaganda. Uh, pronatalist, pro tech propaganda wrapped up to look mostly like Cosmo and But, >> but it's not. So, surprisingly, I was surprised when I started reading The Sex issue because it's not all [ __ ] >> No, it's not all [ __ ] It's like a cis heterero vanilla sex bible. Um, but it is kind of hard to read without laughing because >> it's a it's corny.

[00:02:22]>> Well, look, as a as a media savvy person, whenever I consume anything, I I try to ask myself the question, who is this for? Like some things are not for me. And so I can read it as something like how would this how does this go over with for me personally? How would this go over for the intended audience if I am not part of the intended audience? Right? What can I glean about the intended audience by reading this?

[00:02:47]From reading this, I can glean that the intended audience are people who've never been fingered.

[00:02:54]>> I mean, now we know that I'm prudish in talking about such things, but I have to hard agree with you on that.

[00:03:00]>> Yeah. I mean, it's it's But here's the thing. Like, I don't want to All right.

[00:03:04]Over there, there's laughing in the studio. There's giggling. There's going to be some laughing.

[00:03:09]>> There's some silly giggling. Come on. Do you want to stand up at the front of the class with me and read and read this magazine? This is serious.

[00:03:15]>> Make us pull out.

[00:03:16]>> This is serious.

[00:03:17]>> You got things bookmarked.

[00:03:19]>> But there is, you know, I'll say that.

[00:03:21]That being said, like plenty of people in the world are in the finger-free zone, right? There are plenty of women, especially young women, women who grew up in conservative households. And having a factual, fact-based guide um that that is frank about certain aspects of sex, I think, is valuable. I think that there and and I I know I do have to hand it to Eevee to an extent that there is some valuable information in here. Um yes, >> this is some like some of the produc this has been passed around the office already. Um and there are people there's like a line Jane Coen is like I saw the Eevee sex issue on your desk and I was like you can't borrow it until after my episode then you can look at it. Um but yeah, our CEO wants to look at it.

[00:04:06]Adrien wants to look at it. Everyone wants to look at it. It contains information about anatomy, female pleasure, and dealing with things like vaginismas that would totally be at home in like a Cosmo magazine from the '90s.

[00:04:19]>> Absolutely.

[00:04:19]>> Yeah.

[00:04:20]>> Yes. But that is just part of the Eevee model. They front as a center of the road pro-woman publication, but then slip into trades at every turn. For example, the article quote, "The non-negotiables for sexual health recommends seeking routine gynecological care and always peeing after sex. They encourage having a conversation about contraception with your husband, but foregoing hormonal birth control in favor of cycle tracking."

[00:04:50]>> Oh, you know what's super convenient?

[00:04:52]>> There's an app for cycle tracking that happens to be owned by the same people who publish the magazine.

[00:04:59]>> Oh my god. Great. Give them your data.

[00:05:02]Give Peter Teal your period information.

[00:05:05]That sounds great.

[00:05:06]>> So, like their sexual health advice pretty much reads like a really horny trout edition of The Care and Keeping You and it just gets worse and worse.

[00:05:14]Also, Erin, there's a lot of God. There is a lot of God in the pages of Eevee.

[00:05:20]The vague concept of being in your feminine and it feels like every other sentence that they remind you that good sex is part of being a good wife for your husband. We have a lot of bookmarks about that.

[00:05:31]>> There's a pull quote. I mean, it does really there is a lot of emphasis on female pleasure here, but the female pleasure is not an end in and of itself.

[00:05:39]It is a means to an end to facilitate a like a lot of sex in your marriage.

[00:05:46]>> All the neighbors should know his name.

[00:05:49]>> Sex is the most important skill a wife can develop. Sex is the most important skill a wife can de like >> I mean yeah and there's there's some really interesting stuff I want to open it up to a page about that really stuck out to me. Um there's some like there's a lot of like between the lines subtext here.

[00:06:10]>> Yeah. Let's see if we marked all the same pages. What's your page?

[00:06:13]>> Well, there's certain like there's some pretty good stuff in here about like um figuring out what gives you sexual pleasure. like as a woman like it's important for you to understand your body and like know and there's like a part in there about it's like yeah go ahead and and chill off if you need to figure it out you know that's I think progressive >> her husband thanks God for her especially after 1000 p.m. That's hot.

[00:06:38]>> Ew. [ __ ] So gross.

[00:06:41]>> Eevee is for people that only do it at night. Um, okay. So, there's some good stuff in there. Like, I I'm I'm being generous where it's like figure out, you know, there's different kinds of orgasms. There's certain positions that that are probably not going to to be as pleasurable for you. Here are some positions that feel better for women because of your anatomy. Here are some like diagrams of like female sexual anatomy. Great. Great. But >> they were tasteful drawings as they said they would be. But this is also a bit of a [ __ ] sandwich because there's these little drips and drabs of like you said like religiosity that is kind of unwelcome and intense uh emphasis on presentation on like shaving off all your body hair um on like wearing your hair long being feminine moisturizing having a signature scent which I found a little bit weird because I think there's some research that shows that artificial scents can interfere with your fertility. So, like a pronatalist magazine should be a little bit more careful about that, but whatever. Um, there's on page 58, there's a little headline within an article called how to it's like how to sexify yourself, which is >> a little cringy, but whatever. Once it got to this, I was like, "Oh, I see what we're doing here." Okay. Your body is the foundation. There's no way around that. So, I'm going to be straightforward. Get and stay fit. A woman who is sample size looks great in virtually everything she puts on. And well, no one likes to say this out loud.

[00:08:03]Being significantly overweight is the single biggest thing working against a woman's sex appeal. Okay, we've gotten to the no fat chicks page.

[00:08:10]>> Yep.

[00:08:12]>> Okay. So, there's that. And then there's there's also like a very weird segment on the next page called flexibility and movement. And it talks about how you need to stretch regularly. You need to do Pilates. And then there's this very funny paragraph I want to read.

[00:08:27]How you carry yourself when you're standing still matters just as much as how you walk. Shift your weight onto one leg. Oh, they're going to tell us how to walk in this magazine. Yeah, we've never been fingered or gone on a walk now.

[00:08:40]>> Shift your weight onto one leg. Let your hip jut out slightly and let your upper body twist into a natural scurve. I'm trying to act it out and it doesn't feel right to me. This is weird. This is called tra controposto.

[00:08:52]It creates a lower waist to hip ratio on one side that the eye is drawn to. The spontaneous version of this always looks better than the posed one. So practice until it stops being a decision.

[00:09:03]Practice walking in a sexier way. Don't walk. Nothing is sexier than walking in a way that isn't normal to you.

[00:09:11]>> Try it. Try it until it is normal.

[00:09:14]>> You're going to look like you pooped your pants. That's what happens when you walk in an uncomfortable way. That's the immediate thing everybody thinks. That or you hurt yourself. Have you ever seen that episode of 30 Rock when Jack has to be on camera and he's really bad on camera and he can't figure out how to walk and so he tries to put coffee mugs in both hands and he's like which hand moves f first. That's I feel like that's what this magazine is doing. It's like if you're walking and you stop and think about what am I doing? I feel like I would just fall down.

[00:09:42]>> Um anyway, so uh there's something else interesting in here. Oh, contentwise, um, there was also something that I found really a little bit dark and it it's kind of it's spelled out in a subtextual way. Bedroom direction, how to guide him without killing.

[00:09:59]>> Oh, yeah. I saw that. I saw that paragraph.

[00:10:01]>> Yeah, it's it's basically like this the subtext is like, "So your guy's trash in bed." Sucks. So your so your dude sucks in bed. Um, but they're really trying to make it like preserve his >> Yes. his dignity and his ego because that is the most important thing >> right something very the golden rule is before anything else there's one principle worth tattooing on your brain I love when you will always outperform don't do that this whole article is about how you're not supposed to tell your husband no >> yes >> how you're not >> a lot a lot of them that is also a real theme through the magazine >> you're supposed to always be ready for sex you're supposed to always want sex and you're never supposed to tell him no >> the way that they in one of the articles talk about how a postpartum woman should ramp herself up back to sex. The timeline shook me. What was the timeline? I didn't get to that one.

[00:10:55]>> It was like you've been doing the it's like you've been you've been nursing your baby and creating this family and they give you, you know, good for you.

[00:11:03]That's what you should be doing. But they basically say on somewhat of a tight turn that once your husband's ready to go, you're not going to be, which of course makes loads of sense to me and I've never had a child, but still makes loads of sense to me. This sort of goes handinhand with the whole essay on sex during your period and how you should approach it. And um sorry, but crime scenes aren't my thing, so you're never going to get me with that one. And for the postpartum, he they say that you should dedicate one once your husband is ready, you should dedicate one week and talk to him and say, "You know what? My body's not ready, but for a week just touch me gently on my back and hug me and have nonsexual touch for a week and then like my body's going to understand and I'm going to be back in it."

[00:11:51]>> Okay. Fact.

[00:11:52]>> Maybe it was two weeks. It might have been two weeks. Either way, it made me recoil. It made me recoil.

[00:11:58]>> Okay, first of all, medical advice around that is six weeks at least. And you know why that medical advice exists?

[00:12:04]Because when you give birth, you have a the placenta gets ripped out of your Claire's covering her eyes.

[00:12:12]>> Yeah.

[00:12:12]>> The placenta gets detaches. Is that better? It detaches from the inside. All look at you people. You people in the studio today. Get it together. Um, the placenta detaches from the side of the uterine wall. It is the size of a dinner plate. I looked at mine both times. It's gross. It looks like a veiny >> I saw Dr. Robbie take one out on the pit.

[00:12:32]>> Yeah. Yeah. It's like it's it's like a little like deflated. It's like a balloon size thing. It's a deflated like meat balloon that's full of That's what it looks like. It's full of veins and it comes out and it weighs like a few pounds. It's not light. It is like weighs a few pounds and what it leaves behind is a dinner platesiz hole like a like a wound in your uterus and over the weeks after you give birth the hormones that are generated by your body there's like all this crazy it's like it's amazing honestly it it sounds crazy and gross I'm not trying to scare anybody but I think >> no but it's like [ __ ] n it's like amazing >> it's [ __ ] amazing your body goes through a complete it's called matressence you go through like a second puberty you have a hormone crash in the first first week after your baby is born, your you lactate, you suddenly can create milk with your body. And >> yes, they explain this process in the article.

[00:13:27]>> Yes. And your uterus shrinks back down to size. But it takes weeks and weeks and weeks to get there. And it takes weeks and weeks and weeks for that wound to heal. And if you have sex before there is enough healing that has occurred, you can get very, very [ __ ] sick. like introducing outside bacteria to that is so dangerous. The six week guideline was put in place because men would not get off their postpartum wives and like endangering them.

[00:13:58]>> Well, and like also it should just be whenever you personally feel ready and that might be 18 weeks. I'm saying get with it.

[00:14:04]>> It might be even longer because another thing that happens when you're is when you're breastfeeding, your body is like focused on that. Your body's not like get me pregnant again.

[00:14:13]>> And so much energy goes to that. Like you expend so many calories doing that.

[00:14:17]>> Yes. And also like in the first week I mean in the first like couple months after the baby's born, you're on a 24-hour schedule. Like they don't really you they they don't sleep that long.

[00:14:26]They they constantly wake up and then they need you and then they go to sleep and then they wake up and they need you and they go to sleep and they wake up.

[00:14:32]And so like your life is like on the baby's schedule which does not respect day and night. And so you are not in any mood, nor do you feel sexy. It is not.

[00:14:42]Oh, that makes me so mad. That makes me want to like shoot lightning bolts out of my eyes. So, I can't remember the exact They didn't mention an exact time period that should be waited, but they were basically like when he's you shouldn't go too long and when he's ready, it might take your body time to get back into it, but here's how you should get back into it. And I was like, you should just leave that alone. That just seems like nobody needs any expectations. let that lady just be. But it goes hand in hand with one of one of my other favorite little like pull outs from this one.

[00:15:12]>> Sex is the most important skill you can develop as a wife. Oh yeah, sex was so funny because back if Eevee were from 1950, they would have said the most important thing you can do is cook. But we know the cooking instructions that Eeveey's given in the past. So we know that can't be it.

[00:15:29]>> Yeah, that is uh that is Oh yeah, look.

[00:15:31]>> You take that chicken and you put it in the oven. temperature TVD. That's >> roast it >> time TVD. Roast roast that bird. Just roast it.

[00:15:40]>> I was really impressed with some of the stuff that they get into like they have a dominance and submission thing >> about some very like light kink like >> Yeah, I would say like 50 shade like if you read 50 Shades of Gray and you were like oh my stars like that would this would dazzle you. It's nothing nothing crazy. Um, but it's uh Oh, there's also this page is so stupid. Alcohol is cool, but has he ever gotten drunk off your breast?

[00:16:08]>> We both We both labeled that one.

[00:16:11]>> God, I hope not. I hope not.

[00:16:13]>> That was dis that was >> I mean >> a bridge too far.

[00:16:16]>> Not to brag, but my husband got pulled over for being having too much tits on the brain. Um, yeah, this is very very silly. Um, something else that I wanted to talk about is so this magazine is presented as this guide book to wives to be, right? You're supposed to read it on a bachelor trip. You're supposed to read it and like giggle with your friends and it it reads kind of like soft erotica.

[00:16:40]>> It does. Especially if you're a virgin bride.

[00:16:43]>> Especially if you're a virgin bride. Um, it doesn't get into like monster smut territory, but it is like erotic. Like there's like there was I was reading this and I was like, "Man, I shouldn't be reading this in front of my kids and I was like, oh, they can't read. They're too little." Um, but we kind of we we were like looking into these writers because we're like, "Oh, who's doing this?" Um, >> oh, right.

[00:17:03]>> According to the website, the issue was created by the married editors and artists at Eevee for the woman who wants to know everything about building a passionate, thrilling, and deeply bonding sex life with her husband. Okay.

[00:17:13]The That's very funny.

[00:17:15]>> Yes.

[00:17:15]>> But here's the thing. Some of the writers we could track down like as real women, like they had footprints, but a majority of the media articles in the magazine were all written by someone who we're not sure exists. The mysterious Ivy Lipton.

[00:17:29]>> Oh, yeah. I tried to find Ivy.

[00:17:31]>> Yeah. Her bio on the EV website claims she's a doctoral candidate in human sexuality, but there's no proof to back that up. I went on on the the EV website and I pulled up some other articles from her and one of them mentioned that she lived in the Los Angeles area or implied that she did. And so I was like, "Okay, well, she's getting her doctorate in human sexuality." Like there's a finite number of schools. And I looked through all the the like sexuality departments and I couldn't find anybody that like matched this person.

[00:17:56]>> Fascinating.

[00:17:57]>> Even more interesting, her sultry head shot that is allegedly Ivy Lipton. It's a stock photo. It can be found on Shuttertock. So it's not even a like shut.

[00:18:06]>> Yeah. It's not even a deep stock photo.

[00:18:08]It is from Shuttertock. And I think that the search terms are like >> very beautiful, soft skin, long hair, brunette or something like that.

[00:18:16]>> That's not that's not a person. So signs point to her not being real. I I like I like put on my reporter pants yesterday and I emailed Eevee and I was like, "What's up with this? This person isn't like there is no back.

[00:18:31]>> There is no Ivy Lipton that lives on the West Coast. There's like a 53year-old who lives in New Jersey and there's like a 69year-old and then there's a dead lady. So it's like is this a pseudonym which maybe but that wouldn't you disclose that in the author bio?

[00:18:46]>> Right. And like the credentials then >> exactly is a pseudonymous sex writer living in on the west coast who's getting her doctorate in human sexuality. But it is literally uh it is it is a a name that appears on a ton of the articles using a picture of a stock photo model. Who's the real Ivy Lipton?

[00:19:04]Also, there's this like curiously long article about uh ling lingoam massage, which is like a penis massage. I'm sure you remember it from that artic that episode of Sex in the City. I think Miranda got come on her face.

[00:19:16]>> Miranda. Yes.

[00:19:18]>> But there's so much writing about like how to handle a penis that I'm like, is Ivy Lipton a gay man?

[00:19:24]>> Oh [ __ ] We'll see. I don't know.

[00:19:27]>> Someday.

[00:19:28]>> Ivy Lipton, if you are listening and you're real, you should come on Hysteria. Other byans we couldn't track down. Lola Noel.

[00:19:36]That's not Lola Noel. A wedding planner with an impossibly handsome husband and no digital footprint outside of Eevee.

[00:19:42]Or are Art Artameeseia.

[00:19:47]>> These sound like fake sex names. I would make up fake sex name.

[00:19:51]>> A columnist for Eevee whose only online presence is an Instagram account that only stood started posting two days ago.

[00:19:56]>> Shut up.

[00:19:57]>> I think that this magazine real advice is actually made of made by fake people.

[00:20:01]Final thoughts on this Eevee magazine before we have to move on to our highly anticipated interview with Stephanie Young, creator, Love Trapped. Okay, final final thoughts on this. This is a very heterosexual magazine, right?

[00:20:13]>> What I found super interesting married heterosexual >> married heterosexual. But here's the thing, there are no pictures of like hot guys. There are no men's faces in it.

[00:20:21]None. all of the pictures like and so I wonder like are the pictures supposed to be titillating because the women who are reading it are imagining themselves >> as yes that was my takeway >> but it's like this is it felt like like a lot of this is how you should look >> basically a lot of underwire and preferably eating a piece of fruit >> yeah eating a piece of fruit sexily but it's like sexy fruit I mean it it does it it was striking to me that's like, well, if this is supposed to get a hetererooman all horned up, then why are there no pictures of men in there? And it's I think it's because of God. They don't want jealous husbands to be like, you're looking at guys, >> you're coveting something.

[00:21:04]>> Yeah. You're coveting some You're just coveting this for your coveting to be this thing, which is which, you know, maybe an article written by somebody who's pretending to be a stock photo model, which is so [ __ ] fake.

[00:21:15]>> Which apparently is a thing.

[00:21:16]>> It's so [ __ ] fake. That's the thing.

[00:21:18]Like the the idea that you can achieve marital bliss if you are simply wet and ready for penetration at all times. Then like what does it say? Strong pelvic floor stronger marriage. Also also ladies strong pelvic floor you're going to age better. Okay? You're not going to have prolapsing. Okay. So like strong pelvic floor is not a like if if this is a pronatal okay pronatalist listen you cannot have a bajillion kids and a strong pelvic floor. They do not the kids just they just >> you got to pick your poison.

[00:21:53]>> Yeah. You got to pick your one or the other. Children strong pelvic floor.

[00:21:56]Children strong pelvic. But anyway um one more thing. Uh our associate producer Claire did some headline comparison and I don't want to waste her work on this because it's incredible.

[00:22:08]She compared vintage Cosmo headlines to Cosmo 2026 to Eevee 2026. Now, I'm gonna read a couple, Alyssa, and I want you to guess. Is it vintage Cosmo, >> Cosmo 2026, or Eevee 2026?

[00:22:25]>> Mhm.

[00:22:25]>> Why are women such [ __ ] >> That feels vintage Cosmo.

[00:22:31]>> Yes.

[00:22:32]>> And that's not cool. Like, hey, [ __ ] That's not like a cool [ __ ] No, it's like but it wasn't a actually pjorative.

[00:22:39]>> No, no, no, no.

[00:22:40]>> It was like, why are women such [ __ ] >> Yeah. Yeah. Hey, >> let's ask them. Like, what's going on?

[00:22:46]Why are you So, why are you a [ __ ] Um, okay. How to be great at sexing.

[00:22:50]>> How to be great at sexing. Modern Cosmo.

[00:22:54]>> Yes, that's correct. Okay.

[00:22:55]>> The the texting the the technology gave it away.

[00:22:58]>> Yeah. So, you think you're independent?

[00:23:00]>> Vintage Cosmo. That's You're just absolutely killing it cuz I'm basically vintage Cosmo, Aaron.

[00:23:06]>> Okay, now let's go to dirty talk tips.

[00:23:09]You should put that on. You should make business cards, Alyssa. Vintage Cosmo.

[00:23:13]>> I am vintage Cosmo >> tagline. Why am I such a [ __ ] Alyssa Mastro.

[00:23:19]All right, here are some dirty talk tips. Um, some are from Cosmo 1975, some are from Cosmo 2026, and some are from Eevee 2026.

[00:23:27]>> Okay.

[00:23:27]>> Okay. I crave the taste of you so much it hurts. This is dirty talk.

[00:23:33]>> Eevee.

[00:23:34]>> Yep, that's right.

[00:23:35]>> So, I feel like Eevee is a giveaway because the language is so vanilla.

[00:23:38]>> It seems very like some of the language is like, "My goodness gracious, I cannot wait for you to declo me."

[00:23:46]>> Exactly. Nobody says that. Like, nobody's like heated.

[00:23:50]>> It's not sexy language.

[00:23:51]>> Yeah. Nobody says it in when they're like aroused. They're not like, "Oh my, oh my stars. My goodness." Yeah.

[00:23:57]>> Um, okay. How about this one? Uh, tell me what you want me to do to you.

[00:24:03]>> Tell me what you want me to do to you, >> Eevee.

[00:24:08]>> No. Cosmo 2026.

[00:24:10]>> That's shocking.

[00:24:11]>> Final one. I'm so glad we kept the light on.

[00:24:14]>> Oh, that's got to be vintage Cosmo.

[00:24:15]>> Yeah, that's vintage Cosmo cuz it's only one light. Back in the 70s, they only had big light.

[00:24:21]>> I didn't even think that it wasn't plural. That's a good That's a good giveaway.

[00:24:24]>> Keep the light on cuz like now we're just like rich in lights. We got lighting, moods, >> all kinds of lights. Under bed lighting, over bed.

[00:24:31]>> If somebody says, "I'm so glad we kept the light on," you know that they traveled through time from 1975. I love that.