Decentering Men Is Expensive — Here Is What It Actually Costs

Added: 2026-04-29

[00:00:00]The center man type of content has been hitting my FIP. Many of those women are white women married to white men. I do my best to stay in my lane. For those of you who do not understand subtext and you need everything laid out for you, my content is all about disentering men. I don't use the language because I don't even like the terminology. It is already male centering. My content is all about women in capitalism. That is the way to disenter men. That is the only way in fact because the reason why women center men is for survival in capitalism, patriarchy and racism. The terminology I like is women centering and that has been the core of my business. When you look at it from the perspective of what I've been delivering before I started the social elegance coaching was business coaching. So it really didn't matter whether I was working with a male or female business owner. In the beginning I took male clients as well.

[00:00:57]However, I quickly saw that women needed a lot of help. Succeeding in capitalism required to work on patriarchal pickme mindset, male-centeredness because when you have that aspect of you, you make yourself smaller. You infantilize based on systemic hierarchy, you become a less than person, the caretaker, the workhorse, the taskmaster. And you do not get the benefits in capitalism. You cannot move up. You have to forever work hard, bend over backwards, harm yourself, your health. You have enough success that benefits other people, but not too much success that it benefits you. That is where the patriarchy likes to keep women. And when I truly understood that being in business, I could not unsee it. Going back to the problem with married women being the center, the leaders of the desenter movement. When you're married, you get a lot of protection because you are confirming to the patriarchy. You're not only protected financially but socially as well. Opportunities come to you easily. I know because I've been there before all of this. My very early beginnings, as I talked about it, my dad privileged man. When I dented my father at 20, the last time I saw him when he took all of us to Jedju Island, it was like a month trip, all my siblings, everybody. During that trip, I did my best to bring up the conversation. And by the way, Korean families do not talk about problems. I did my best to articulate my problem with him and he was refusing to see it. Complete denial.

[00:02:27]And that was the moment I knew that I could not do this anymore. I have to live for myself. That was the last time I saw him. and he lived for another 10 years and during that time he tried to reach out to me but he wasn't doing it in a way that it was satisfactory for me where he was owning up to his patriarchal mindset and the harm that he had caused not only to me but to my siblings too. Mind you, I was the only sibling that put the boundary down. No one else did this. I was the only one.

[00:02:56]And when I did that, I naturally lost connection with everyone else, my extended family. And this lasted for 17 years until I felt like I could talk to them again. When you're decentering a man and holding him accountable, then you're also saying that you're not going to take benefits from him. You don't just lose the financial aspect. You don't just use the social aspect. You start to realize that you don't know who you are when you disenter one man, the one leader of the family. Now, important information is that I was not prepared to survive in capitalism. Most of my family are provider men and then there are stay-home wives and stay-home daughters too. My upbringing while it was comfortable growing up and I got a lot of privileges. My dad used to pay for a tutor and it was $500 a month and this was in the '9s. Everything still had condition because this is how the patriarchy works. It was only what he saw valuable and what he believe was important and it was his way or the highway. When I didn't comply, I became very rebellious in my teen years. He became extremely punitive and that was the reason why I could no longer stay connected with him. And by choosing myself, I lost everybody, all my social support and not knowing how to navigate capitalism at all. I was taught nothing about financial literacy. I knew how to pay the bills because I would help out my family here and there, but not knowing how to apply for a job, how to file taxes. I was on my own. So that was the beginning of my adulthood, that was my 20. And then soon after I got in a relationship with a man. He was a performative male feminist. So a lot of these women who are married to a man and are preaching desentered men, my guy is a nice guy, you just made the wrong choice. I can almost guarantee that they're with this type of male that I'm very familiar with. The issue here is that nobody could see a problem in my relationship except for me. This has always been my issue that I can see things and other people cannot see. So I know that most of those married denter men type of women are coping hard. If you've done your own work, your deep shadow work, you understand this exact symptom because you feel so powerless in that situation, in that relationship.

[00:05:17]The way to cope is to advocate for what you want online, but you are in survival mode. So, you cannot leave that relationship behind or even become honest about it. I'll bet you anything that if I spend a few hours with many of those women, I'd be able to crack the truth. they wouldn't want to because the one type of person that the shadow ego absolutely despises is someone like me.

[00:05:42]I could see the problem. But the reason why I ended up with this guy, I was in survival mode. And the whole time I understood that I was in survival mode.

[00:05:51]That awareness was also the foundation of what got me out of that relationship.

[00:05:55]By the way, you may think I was really aware, but that was not even the beginning of the growth journey. All of that was foreplay. The only way you're going to truly disenter men is to stop talking about it and become a very good capitalist. The reason why women hyperfixate on men all the time is because in the patriarchy the only way for survival and any sense of power is to go through a man who has access to resources.

[00:06:25]So there is women and men and then resources. The only way to disenter men is for you woman to go straight up to the resources without going through a man. That means your financial planning, insurance, earnings, building your career, building your name. That is the only way you can become woman centered.

[00:06:49]And as you do that, you develop a very mature and wise mindset. You cannot cheat this. It is a whole process and it's not something that you will immediately have results tomorrow. It's not Bitcoin, crypto, get-richqu, high dopamine type of reward where you can have instant gratification. Anything worthwhile in life, whether you are building a business, your career, your financial plan, working on your fitness, or raising children, none of that is instant gratification. If you focus on instant gratification, you fail in all of those important ventures that actually create happiness and satisfaction in our lives. The joy that we get to have access to in a miserable capitalist, patriarchal, and racist world is on the other side of building something long-term with a strong foundation. And that takes relentless endurance. When you know nothing, you feel like you know everything. When you have more unawareness and awareness, you feel like you have the answers even when you haven't even cracked the surface of it. That's how insecurity and systemic oppression shows up is that you need to cope with that insecurity. You need to compartmentamentalize it so you can feel okay about yourself. Denial is what really helps with that. It keeps you just surviving and functioning, but you can't grow as long as you're in denial and avoiding your triggers. Looking for the comfortable, pelatable version of growth is exactly that. You are not wanting to grow. You are committing to coping so you don't have to do the hard part of growing. You cannot separate your personal life from your business.

[00:08:37]If you are not listening to the right type of information, you're getting scammed online through frivolous content and brain rot just that in your career too. When we have less awareness, we think we can't.

[00:08:52]But there's really no way to cheat the formula. There's no way to become a better writer until you write multiple books. There's no way to become a better speaker until you speak a thousand times and more. There's no way to really learn to build a business until you have done it or to really learn to desenter men.

[00:09:12]You have fallen. You have relentlessly gotten up and done it again and again and never gave up. No matter how much the path of least resistance was calling you. The rebel is not the bad The rebel is the good girl using different coping mechanisms to feel okay, to be in denial. True healing and growth doesn't always feel good. A lot of times the perspectives that you have to accept to even begin to start healing and growing feels very counterintuitive. It often feels like you are losing privilege and power. That's why most people don't do it because they're dopamine addicts and they need to get a constant hit the feeling that they're winning. Building a business feels like a tremendous loss of privilege and power as well. letting go of the security of a job. But until you do, you cannot be an entrepreneur. When you do meaningful work, your social media account gets banned. That's what happened with me. My Instagram got banned at 91,000. It also takes forever to grow your accounts. When I posted some palatable stuff, my Tik Tok grew so quickly. My most viewed video on Tik Tok is again a male centering story. I posted just to see what would happen.

[00:10:31]And sure enough, it got 1.3 million views very quickly. When we actually do this work and we care about it, then we take tremendous losses in financial aspects too. It's normal for some of the aspects to not make sense or you feel triggered and you want to leave right away. But you need to sit through that discomfort. I truly understand because I've been there. I try to take the shortcuts. I try to make it easier. I would regress and then I would come back. I will beat myself up for regressing. It is all part of the process. But what you must never do is give up on yourself and your integrity.

[00:11:06]If you believe you're supposed to be a certain type of person, then you need to stay the course. When you're actually living your values, you do not do it in public. It is not performative. It is done for 20some years in private. And no, it is not something that we bring online and make a sensational statement, a black and white binary view to build popularity by drama pimping people who don't know any better. And mind you, this is how you read character as well.

[00:11:36]What did they lose to stand up for their values? Thanks for watching. Let me know your thoughts and see you in my next