NIGHT STAND - Sex Education

Added: 2026-06-02

[00:00:00]Here's your host, DICK DIETRICK.

[00:00:03]>> [applause and music] [applause] >> THANK YOU.

[00:00:10]THANK YOU SO MUCH. THANK YOU so much.

[00:00:12]You know, tonight's show is about the American educational system. We've heard all the stories about how the public school system is getting worse. There never seem to be enough books, hot lunches, or guns to go around.

[00:00:25]And now teachers are getting fired for just trying to do their job. When I first saw this woman's story on Oprah, I was outraged. As I watched her on Jenny Jones, Montel, and Geraldo, >> [laughter] >> it didn't get any easier.

[00:00:39]But when she showed up on Springer, my blood started to boil.

[00:00:43]So tonight, for the first time on my show, she'll tell her exclusive story again.

[00:00:48]Please welcome Mia Concepcion. Give her a hand.

[00:00:52]>> [cheering] [applause] [music] [applause] >> Welcome to the show, Mia. And may I just say, "Mamma Mia, you're some spicy meatball."

[00:01:10]>> Thank you, Dick. It's a pleasure to be here.

[00:01:12]>> Okay, Mia. Now, you are a sex education teacher, it says here, at Frank Sinatra Junior High School.

[00:01:18]>> That's right, Dick.

[00:01:19]>> So, are you still teaching sex ed classes there at the school?

[00:01:22]>> No, Dick. I was dismissed because I tried to update a sex education curriculum that was over 30 years old.

[00:01:29]>> Well, what was wrong with the old system of show, but don't tell?

[00:01:32]>> Dick, every day kids are exposed to sex in advertising, in the movies, and on TV, but it's all make-believe. I thought kids needed a little reality check.

[00:01:43]>> But Mia, what's the biggest misconception kids have about sex?

[00:01:47]>> Believe it or not, the biggest misconception is where do babies come from?

[00:01:52]>> Well, that's easy, the stork.

[00:01:54]>> [laughter] >> Ha, I'm joking, folks, of course, because everybody knows that babies grow in mommy's stomach.

[00:02:01]>> [laughter] >> But, uh Let's Let's Let's get back to your teaching. What was so controversial about your philosophy?

[00:02:09]>> Um well, what Jocelyn Elders taught about masturbation wasn't enough.

[00:02:14]>> You're saying she was just covering the tip of it.

[00:02:19]>> You see, I was determined to teach kids about sex using very real terms. So, instead of showing a lot of old black and white films about the birds and the bees, I came up with an MTV-style multimedia presentation called the ABCs of SEX.

[00:02:35]>> That's funny. When I think of SEX, the letters I usually say are E-I-E-I-O.

[00:02:41]>> [laughter] >> So So, Mia, what did you do that was so outrageous that they fired you?

[00:02:47]>> Well, Dick, I guess it was when I brought live nude models into the classroom.

[00:02:51]>> Okay. Okay. Now, I'm beginning to get the picture. So, let me ask the obvious question. Were these live nude models anatomically correct?

[00:03:02]>> [laughter] >> They were humans, Dick, but I used them purely for demonstration purposes.

[00:03:09]>> You mean to point out various parts of the body and their functions.

[00:03:11]>> Yes, and to demonstrate intercourse.

[00:03:18]>> Live sex shows. And how much did you charge at the door?

[00:03:24]>> Dick, I took a purely clinical approach.

[00:03:27]I just wanted to be sure that all aspects of sex were covered.

[00:03:30]>> So, they covered their aspects. Okay.

[00:03:32]>> [laughter] >> And And did this curriculum involve any hands-on training?

[00:03:37]>> Yes, the students were allowed to touch and feel as we went along. And after the two models were finished, we all had a big open discussion and took a nap.

[00:03:50]>> So, the kids got to see naked people having sex. Like, well, you know, what's what's the big deal? I mean, what person here when they were a kid didn't crawl under their house, drill a hole in the floorboards, so they could see their sister get naked with a bunch of Marines?

[00:04:04]Okay, that would be nobody.

[00:04:06]>> [laughter] >> Once again, Dick, that is my point. You see, we were all brought up to think of sex as this horrible taboo.

[00:04:13]>> But, you must have known you were going to be fired for showing live sex acts.

[00:04:17]>> Yes, I knew, but since I started teaching my sex ed class, >> Yeah.

[00:04:22]>> test scores have shot up by 200%.

[00:04:25]>> So, the kids are really scoring.

[00:04:29]>> And there has been not one unwanted pregnancy involving any of my students.

[00:04:34]And if we can stop teen pregnancy in this country, think of all the good that it will do.

[00:04:39]>> You know, Mia, when you mention unwanted pregnancy, I noticed a little quivering of your voice, a little chill in your firm body, a definite arousal of your chestal area.

[00:04:51]>> Unwanted pregnancy is a very very serious subject to me, Dick.

[00:04:56]You see, I am the product of many foster homes.

[00:05:00]My mother was a naive teenager who got pregnant and gave me up for adoption.

[00:05:08]I never met her, but I can only imagine the torment that she had [laughter] to go through.

[00:05:16]>> I'm sorry, I was thinking of something else.

[00:05:19]>> [laughter] >> And and and now, uh, you are about to go on trial, is that right?

[00:05:25]>> Dick, I am not the issue here. The issue here is the revolutionizing of sexual education. The school board is so determined to win this case that they have hired the famous lawyer, Virginia Schafly, to represent them.

[00:05:39]>> Ooh, and I understand the extremely conservative Ms. Schafly is not only pressing civil charges against you, she wants you brought up on criminal charges as well.

[00:05:48]>> That's right. But I am not afraid, Dick.

[00:05:52]>> But Mia, you're an attractive, firm little vixen.

[00:05:56]You could go to a women's prison, the home of big lesbians.

[00:06:00]>> [laughter] >> Mia, they're going to use you for dental floss.

[00:06:05]>> Dick, I don't care. I'm willing to take this thing all the way to the Supreme Court. Dick, it's going to be as big as the Scopes Monkey Trial.

[00:06:13]>> Ugh, don't get me started. Putting that monkey in trial was so stupid.

[00:06:17]>> [laughter] >> No, Dick. I'm referring to the trial in 1925. Mr. Scopes was convicted for teaching Darwin's theory of evolution.

[00:06:28]>> Whatever.

[00:06:30]Well, we have a little surprise for you, Mia. In the interest of fairness, decorum, and to one-up those talk shows, those other talk shows, we're going to bring out attorney Virginia Schlafly right after this commercial.

[00:06:41]>> What?

[00:06:42]That's right. That old hag is here?

[00:06:44]>> Ooh. Now, I may even stay tuned. Stick around.

[00:06:51]Are you a black sheep who's on the lamb?

[00:06:53]You can be a guest on Night Stand.

[00:06:59]>> [applause] [applause] >> Thank you. Thank you so much. We're back with Mia Conception, a sex education teacher who tried to update the system and got a big F.

[00:07:17]Now, we're going to meet the ultra-conservative lady lawyer who's leading the assault against Mia. She thinks sex is a four-letter word. Please welcome Ms. Virginia Schlafly.

[00:07:28]>> [applause] [cheering] >> Welcome, Virginia. You know, every time I see you on television, it puzzles me. I mean, you're always out preaching morals and decency, and yet you're like a semi babe.

[00:07:46]>> Dick, my physical appearance has nothing to do with representing a group of concerned parents who want this young woman to go to jail for what she's done to their children.

[00:07:56]>> So you want her locked up for teaching kids how not to get knocked up.

[00:08:02]>> Mr. Dietrich, this is a moral issue and when it comes to getting the moral message out to the public, I work at it day and night.

[00:08:09]>> And when it comes to getting out my message that sex should be natural, normal and open, I work at it just as hard.

[00:08:15]>> You know, it's funny. You two women are a lot alike. You're both single, highly skilled, dedicated professionals and you're both capable of bringing a tingling sensation to my daddy region.

[00:08:27]So uh anyway, let let's get back to the show. Virginia, when it comes to sex, what is your position?

[00:08:35]>> I assume that you are referring to the case.

[00:08:39]>> Now, I represent the opinion that sex does not belong anywhere in any school curriculum.

[00:08:43]>> And look where that thinking has got us.

[00:08:46]>> Dick, did you know that one out of every 10 students is carrying a sexually transmittable disease on a college campus today?

[00:08:53]>> But me, that's only the University of Miami.

[00:08:57]>> Dick, that is the average for every college in this country.

[00:09:01]>> And if your generation would learn to live in a moral manner, that would not happen.

[00:09:05]>> And if you would taught us about sex the way we should have been taught, maybe we wouldn't have these problems.

[00:09:11]>> Dick, this woman belongs behind bars. My god, she is teaching children the proper procedure for masturbation.

[00:09:18]>> But come on. I mean, don't we all masturbate? Show of hands.

[00:09:24]>> And then, then she has high schoolers witness two people, dare I say it?

[00:09:30]>> Go ahead, I dare you.

[00:09:32]>> Dick, they witnessed the act of fornication. When I get this young lady in court, she and all of her sex crazed degenerates are going to be put to bed for a very long time.

[00:09:43]>> You frigid old has-been. What I preach is just the beginning. You are a dinosaur, Shaftly, and you know what happens to the dinosaurs.

[00:09:52]>> And you, like those of Sodom and Gomorrah, are going to have your day of reckoning. Young lady, you are a [ __ ] >> Okay.

[00:10:02]Okay. Okay. Calm down. Calm down. Calm down.

[00:10:09]You both make good points.

[00:10:12]But, Virginia, I got to ask you, do you have some sort of personal agenda here?

[00:10:16]>> Not a chance, Dietrich. I am just the voice of a disgruntled America who is tired of this smut, and who refuses to have it taught, much less demonstrated, in our schools.

[00:10:26]>> Little does she know, Dick, that sex will be used as a device to teach other subjects in the future.

[00:10:32]>> Sex and other subjects. Terrific.

[00:10:35]>> Hey, I agree. Just think in math class, you can answer questions like, "If Johnny left New York at 1:00 and Cathy left LA at 10:00, what time would they have SEX IN CHICAGO?"

[00:10:47]>> [applause] >> YOU ARE PATHETIC, DICK. After I put this girl in prison, I am going to make sure that this show gets canceled.

[00:11:00]This This kind of smutty talk does not belong on television.

[00:11:05]>> But, you know, Virginia, I have to say, when it comes to sex, I feel you're uptight.

[00:11:09]>> [clears throat] >> She is uptight about sex because she doesn't know anything about it.

[00:11:16]>> Look, I know all there is that I need to know. And if you're insinuating that I'm a prude, I am not.

[00:11:23]>> Well, well, well, well, would you be willing to back that statement up with a little test?

[00:11:27]>> Why should I do that?

[00:11:29]>> Because if you don't, the The will think you're approved. RIGHT, AUDIENCE?

[00:11:32]>> [cheering] [applause] >> ALL RIGHT.

[00:11:36]OKAY, FINE. FINE.

[00:11:37]>> [cheering] >> I'LL TAKE THE TEST, AND IT WILL show this young woman that the best sex education is no education.

[00:11:44]>> All righty then. When we come back, we'll meet an expert in the field of sexual education, and he'll let us know how Virginia stacks up. Stay tuned.

[00:11:57]>> [applause] >> It's a musical reunion.

[00:12:04]>> It's kind of obvious how you came up with the [music] name of the Three Swallows.

[00:12:07]>> Of course, the bird.

[00:12:08]>> Oh, yeah, right, the bird, yeah.

[00:12:10]>> With a few surprises.

[00:12:11]>> Mr. Peter Noone!

[00:12:13]>> All this and more on the second half hour of Night Stand.

[00:12:18]>> [applause and cheering] [music] [applause] >> Thank you.

[00:12:28]Thank you. Welcome back to Night Stand as we're about to test our sexual awareness. Usually, I do this with a game I created called Name That Tool.

[00:12:38]But tonight, we have an honest-to-god expert. He's known as the stepfather of sex education.

[00:12:44]He's a professor at the University of California at Pittsburgh.

[00:12:48]There, he lectures in genital studies.

[00:12:51]And he's also the author of this book entitled Putting It In.

[00:12:56]Oh jeez, I'm sorry. Putting It In Perspective.

[00:12:59]>> [laughter] >> That's That's a better title. Please welcome Professor EDWARD BURNS.

[00:13:04]>> [applause] [cheering] [applause] >> PROFESSOR BURNS, WELCOME.

[00:13:17]NOW, uh 25 years ago, they thought you were kooky for trying to reinvent sexual education.

[00:13:23]>> That's right, Dick. Uh you know, but now my methods are considered quite tame and acceptable.

[00:13:31]>> Well, what is it you did with sexual education that got you in trouble?

[00:13:35]>> Well, before I came onto the scene, doctors weren't even allowed to use real names for body parts. Instead, we had to refer to genitalia with names like wee-wee, dinghy, Dr. Johnson, wiener, and uh the much overused down there.

[00:13:58]>> You forgot my favorites, Willie Doodle and Snagglepuss.

[00:14:01]>> [laughter] >> I'm not familiar with those.

[00:14:05]Anyway, uh my literature and sex education courses were the first to use the proper names penis and vagina.

[00:14:17]>> Oh my lord, Dick, you have sunk to your lowest depths. Just what on Earth do you have in mind?

[00:14:22]>> Dick, even I have to agree, what on Earth do you have in mind?

[00:14:25]>> Trust me, May, it's all going to work out in the end.

[00:14:29]So, uh Professor Burns, what do you think of Ms. Technique so far?

[00:14:33]>> Well, from what I've heard, she's doing a splendid job.

[00:14:36]>> Oh, please. Then you're as perverted as she is.

[00:14:40]>> Well, she's getting good results. You can't argue with that.

[00:14:42]>> Thank you, Professor. Can we just get on with the test?

[00:14:45]>> Well, it's my professional opinion that Ms. Schafly here is frightened by the idea of teaching sex in our schools.

[00:14:53]>> Frightened? What do you mean by that?

[00:14:55]>> I mean that sometimes people are frightened by what they don't know enough about. And in the case of Ms. Schafly, she may need to learn more about the relationship between the penis and the vagina.

[00:15:09]>> I know how things work, and I learned about it at home, where we all should.

[00:15:13]>> But Ms. Schafly, let me ask you, you're a single woman, have you ever had premarital sex?

[00:15:17]>> No.

[00:15:18]>> Really? Never once did a handsome matador take center stage in your boring?

[00:15:24]>> [laughter] >> No.

[00:15:25]>> Never in history did a manly spelunker plumb the depths of your sugar cave.

[00:15:30]>> [laughter] >> No.

[00:15:32]>> And are you willing to testify to that in a court of law?

[00:15:34]>> What the hell is this leading up to?

[00:15:37]>> And since you're not married, I'm also assuming that your womb is barren. That it's a lifeless desert incapable of sprouting a baby.

[00:15:44]>> Dietrich, I am going to sue you for every nickel you are worth.

[00:15:48]>> Are you willing to testify to that in a COURT OF LAW?

[00:15:50]>> WHAT IS ALL THIS STUFF about testifying in court?

[00:15:53]>> Have you ever carried one of those fetus things in your baby stomach?

[00:15:58]>> No. The answer is no.

[00:16:01]>> Then I call to the stand Mr. Floyd Ford.

[00:16:04]Stand for us, please.

[00:16:05]>> Dick, what is all this building to?

[00:16:07]>> Trust me, Mia. We are going to have a multiple climax in this show.

[00:16:12]Mr. Ford, you are with county services.

[00:16:14]Do you recognize anybody here in this courtroom?

[00:16:17]>> Only by name.

[00:16:19]I have an adoption form with the name on it dated May 1st, 1973.

[00:16:24]>> And would you read the top two sentences aloud for the jury, please?

[00:16:28]>> What jury?

[00:16:30]>> Name of child unknown. Name of mother, Virginia Schafly.

[00:16:39]>> Anything else?

[00:16:41]>> Just that there was a mark on the baby.

[00:16:44]>> Thank you, Floyd. You may get off.

[00:16:46]I mean, you may sit down.

[00:16:48]>> [laughter] >> I call back to the stand Miss Virginia Schafly. Miss Schafly, once again, I repeat the question. Did you or did you not ever carry one of those fetus things inside of you?

[00:16:58]>> You have no right to ask me these questions.

[00:17:00]>> Come on, Virginia. Don't make me wait.

[00:17:02]>> I I >> Virginia.

[00:17:12]>> [applause] >> ALL RIGHT!

[00:17:14]ALL RIGHT, FINE.

[00:17:16]YES, I did have a baby and I gave it up for adoption. But, I was very young, and I didn't know any better. I've been trying to cover it up all my life.

[00:17:24]>> [laughter] >> Don't you see? The reason that you didn't know anything about it was because nobody taught you about sex.

[00:17:30]>> Yes, nobody talked about the relationship between the penis and the vagina.

[00:17:39]>> I thought I always thought if I just kept acting in a very righteous manner, it would just go away.

[00:17:46]I'm such a fraud.

[00:17:51]>> Okay. Okay. Okay. It's been an emotional moment. Let's everybody take their seats.

[00:17:56]Come on. Take their Okay.

[00:18:00]Now, Virginia, I'm sorry I had to do that, but I have to ask you one more question.

[00:18:04]Do you remember anything about the baby you gave up for adoption?

[00:18:07]>> Dick, you can't ask her that.

[00:18:10]>> Well, I already did, so it's probably too late.

[00:18:13]>> No, it it's okay. Um I remember that she had a little birthmark just above her >> Snagglepuss?

[00:18:22]Vagina?

[00:18:24]>> [laughter] >> No. Her navel.

[00:18:28]>> [snorts] >> The birthmark was in the shape of the state of Florida.

[00:18:33]>> Oh my god, it can't be.

[00:18:35]>> Yes, it can, Mary Conception. Stand and reveal thyself.

[00:18:45]Well, Virginia, if that's not the state of Florida, then you can KISS MY TALLAHASSEE.

[00:18:50]>> YOU'RE MY MOTHER.

[00:18:52]>> OH MY GOD, you're my daughter.

[00:18:54]MY DAUGHTER.

[00:18:54]>> GIVE THEM A HAND, FOLKS.

[00:18:56]>> [applause and cheering] [applause] >> HOW ABOUT IT, FOLKS? AS PROMISED a multiple climax.

[00:19:14]You know, usually when two women embrace like that in our show, it's because they're lesbians.

[00:19:20]But tonight, we made a long-lost love connection. We'll be back with my wrap-up right after this.

[00:19:27]>> [applause and cheering] >> If you're a black man trapped in Bryant Gumbel's body, >> [laughter] >> you can be a guest on Night Stand. Give us a call.

[00:19:44]>> [music] [applause] >> Well, what have we learned tonight? We learned that when it comes to sex education, sometimes you have to go deep.

[00:19:55]Deep into the darkest parts of your mind and body to get to the riches. Well, Virginia's got two sex ed teachers now.

[00:20:02]One is her own daughter, and the other is a world-renowned professor.

[00:20:07]>> Yes, I was just telling them about the vulva.

[00:20:11]>> [laughter] >> Yeah, those Swedes make a heck of a car.

[00:20:17]>> [laughter] [applause] >> Anyway, I think we proved a point tonight, and that is we've got to have sex taught in our classrooms. So, kids, listen to your teacher, read your books, and start boning up.

[00:20:29]For now, I'm Dick Dietrich.

[00:20:34]That was a whole lot of fun, but it isn't over yet. We've got a whole new show coming right up.