Resist Narcissist's "We", Demands for Mindreading (Clip Skopje Seminar, Day 3, Lecture 2)

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[00:00:00]We are still in the checklist checklist for healing and and um recovery.

[00:00:07]And the next criterion is when you stop using when you stop using uh us and we and instead you begin using I.

[00:00:20]So not us only I.

[00:00:26]When you when you use the plural gender pronouns, it's an indication of merger or fusion and meshment, engulfment.

[00:00:38]So when you were with the narcissist, you always said we we are going to do this or it's it's us against the world.

[00:00:47]There was a sense of cult. There was a sense of there was a defensive sense of a fortress and there was this enshment and this merger and fusion. You became one.

[00:01:00]This is known this is known in early psychoanalytic in late in early object relation schools. This was known as the symbiotic the symbiotic phase. in the work of Mala um she described a symbiotic phase in the relationship between a child and his mother. So there is this merger when you're with a narcissist and this the transition from a language of plural plural genders to a language of singular gender gender pronouns plural gender pronouns to singular gender pronouns is an indication of healing. When you start to talk about me, me me I, this is healthy narcissism. And meshment, merger, fusion change your language. They alter your language. As you become, as you immerse yourself, as you drown deeper and deeper into the narcissist's shared shared fantasy, then you begin to use a different type of language, a language that reflects your symbiosis. You are one organism, one organism with two heads kind of. And everyone outside the remmit or the ambit of the shared fantasy is a potential enemy. It's a potential enemy because they can challenge the shared fantasy.

[00:02:26]They can destroy it somehow. So there is this defensive posture. Your the monitoring your language is very telling because your language reflects your internal experience. As your internal experience changes, your language changes.

[00:02:45]Us versus them is what we call a cult mind.

[00:02:50]It's a clinical term. In in cults, people do people change. Their minds change. They're affected by the cult.

[00:02:58]They develop a shared mind, a hive mind.

[00:03:03]The cult has a mind of its own. Cult has a mind of its own. You know, a propults and a mind of its own. People, few people realize that when when individuals collaborate on something, that something acquires a life of its own. That something becomes an entity.

[00:03:27]When you are married to someone, there is you, there is your spouse. Where is my spouse? There is you, there is your spouse, and there is the marriage.

[00:03:40]It's a third entity.

[00:03:42]When you go to couples therapy, the reason coup's therapy fails, there's a huge rate of failure in coup's therapy is because the couple therapist does not treat the individuals.

[00:03:56]The couple therapist treats the marriage or the couple.

[00:04:02]The couple therapist is focused on this joint entity on this third entity which is the marriage of the couple not on the individuals involved. Similarly, when you are in a cult, the cult is an entity. It has its own mind.

[00:04:21]There are cognitive processes associated not with the with individuals that comprise the cult, but with the cult itself.

[00:04:30]And so this has been observed for decades that when you're in a mob, when you're in a mob, you lose your mind. You adopt the mind of the mob. There are numerous studies on on this, especially after the rise of mass movements like Nazism and and so on. People ask themselves how come totally decent, honest, normal, healthy people became mass murderers. And how did this happen? Well, it's because they have substituted the mob mind, the mind of that entity for their own. They gave up on their own mind and they adopted the mind of this third entity. when you were in a relationship. By the way, those of you who want to read more about this, you should buy you should read the book by Goldhagen. Oops. Goldhagen.

[00:05:35]Goldhagen has written a book. The title is Hitler's Willing Executioners. It's a psychological portrait of what happens to people when they succumb, when they give in and they're infected by a a third collective entity.

[00:05:55]Collective entity could be a cult, could be a marriage, could be a mob, could be a political party and so on. What happens then is that the individual vanishes and becomes a total extension of this third entity. When you're in a relationship with a narcissist, the narcissist instantaneously creates a cult.

[00:06:13]This cult is a third entity. It's not you. It's not the narcissist. It's a third partner. You're having a threesome finally. It's a third partner in the and and the cult has the cult of the narcissist has a mind of its own and you give up on your own mind and you're infected with the mind of the cult. And when you are out of the relationship with the narcissist, when you have finally exited, then you need to deprogram yourself. You need to remove the cult mind. Once you have removed the cult mind, your authentic original mind reemerges. And the main indicator of this process is the use of language.

[00:06:55]Main indicator. So you should be aware of what language you're using because it will tell you a lot about your internal state.

[00:07:05]Next indicator for healing. Are you trying to mind readad? Are you trying to read the minds of people?

[00:07:14]When you are with a narcissist, the narcissist fully expects you to read his mind to anticipate his wishes and expectations. And there is there is an implicit assumption by the narcissist that you have an obligation. It's incumbent upon you.

[00:07:33]You're absolutely obliged to cater to the narcissist's needs in advance in in anticipation without any communication.

[00:07:44]And when you fail, the narcissist gets really aggressive and angry that you have failed to anticipate his needs. You failed to read his mind. So you get used when you are in a narcissistic relationship, you get used to anticipating. You get used to guessing.

[00:08:00]You get used to um constructing the narcissist mind in your own mind. You get used to kind of uh mind readading.

[00:08:10]You develop the skill of mind readading.

[00:08:14]Now when you're out of the relationship with the narcissist, this continues and you you attempt to read the minds of people to anticipate their needs, their thoughts, their cognitions, their emotions. You become you become a mini mini compulsive diagnostician of of people. That is an that is unhealthy.

[00:08:35]That is unhealthy. This kind of mind readading is a strong indicator of pathology.

[00:08:42]A mother would tell you, I can read the minds of my children. I can anticipate their needs. I know exactly what they're thinking. I'm there for them. I'm always available to cater to their needs and so on. That is a very unhealthy mother.

[00:08:58]It's a bad mother.

[00:09:01]The role of communication is crucial and any assumption that you can read the minds of people is not only counterfactual and superstitious and and worse but delusional but also pathologizes the relationship and the interactions with people. When you superimpose your ideas of what people need, your ideas of what they want, when you anticipate the next moves and their next thoughts and the next speech acts, when you're doing this, you're being controlling.

[00:09:37]The reason we try, the reason the victims of narcissistic abuse try to anticipate the narcissist to read the narcissist's mind is because they're terrified of the narcissist and they're trying to reestablish mastery and control to reintroduce certainty by deluding themselves. So the the victim says, "Uh, I'm terrified of the narcissist, but it's not that bad because I can read the narcissist's mind and having read the narcissist's mind, I can anticipate his moves and I can protect myself. I can somehow protect myself." So it's a kind of self deceit, selfdeceit or self-d delus delusion, selfdeception that is intended to restore a sense of control in order to reduce anxiety. So it's anxolytic. It's an anxolytic uh thing.

[00:10:35]So, um, and if you continue to do this after the relationship is over, if you continue to do this with other people, then it's a sign that you're still stuck in the cult. You haven't been deprogrammed and debriefed appropriately. You're still there.

[00:11:01]Next are a family of three behaviors.

[00:11:04]family of three behaviors that are indicative of being stuck, not healing, not progressing.

[00:11:13]And the three behaviors