EVERY Type Of Crypto Trader...

Added: 2026-05-25

[00:00:00]There are no three words in the universe as divisive as I trade crypto. But in 2026, that term could mean anything from making 500k longing Bitcoin on infinite leverage to losing your rent on an Elon Musk meme coin. So this is a handy guide for you to try and spot which version of a crypto guy you're actually talking to.

[00:00:23]He has $50 in Coinbase and he's convinced he'll only sell his Bitcoin when it does a thousand decks because it's going to change the world. He likely found crypto within the last six months and it's his new hyper fixation replacing World War 1 battles or Japanese wrestling. He'll share FinTok slop on his stories as if he can relate to a 20-year-old millionaire in Dubai while he's actually 34. But still, it won't stop him from telling you how you're missing out on the greatest bull run of all time while he's down 35% from buying the pico top.

[00:00:57]You know, the one guy who buys a round of drinks for his friend then tries to see if he can pay for it in Ethereum and can never actually buy anything in public because his money's stored on a ledger which he's lost twice previously.

[00:01:08]The one that turns every conversation into something crypto related. Broke up with your girlfriend? It's like that time I had to sell my sheep bags because I needed to pay a tax bill. Grandma died? So did my safe moon, bro. You'll make it through this. It's almost at the point of insufferability where despite all of his knowledge, you can't access any of it because you know even the mere mention of the big C word will span off a lifetime recap of every trade he's ever made. This is probably the most annoying one because it's like an advert for everything you don't want to be and therefore get turned off of crypto as a result.

[00:01:46]The only one more annoying than someone who won't shut up about crypto is the guy you're eternally envious of.

[00:01:53]While you slave away losing paycheck after paycheck on meme coins, This freak threw $500 into Elon with hat, went on a bender, and came back to 500k, hitting the fabled 100x like it's nothing. Now, will he spend the next 5 years chasing that same rush and likely losing all of it? Probably. But, for a moment in time, the saying "The less you know, the better" makes you wonder what you're doing wrong. $1 and a dream was built for this man, but $5,000 and an obsession is what led you here. To what's essentially therapy you're now too broke to afford because you lost your ass in the trenches.

[00:02:30]Welcome to the club.

[00:02:33]Ascending past the big three, altcoins are like the penny stocks of the crypto world. One of them might do something useful, and you can bet your bottom dollar that altcoin Andy will bet his last >> [music] >> trying to find the one. He exclusively buys things that nobody's ever heard of, has a portfolio of 47 coins that [music] are just chat GPT wrapped agents, and has posters of road maps on his wall, which is ironic because the only place he'll be going to is the bankruptcy court.

[00:03:03]The descent into technical analyst is a worrying one. No fundamentals, just lines on lines on lines, and I don't just mean the graph. It takes a special kind of more trader to stare at a chart for 8 hours a day to try and find when the MACD and VWAP will cross over in correlation to the first moon of June after Donald Trump picks up a mug with his left hand. But, what they don't understand is that TA only works because everyone else acts on the same signals, creating this weird validation loop. Or, maybe they do understand that and just hope that a Reddit post showing their gains will get them attention, filling a void in their heart.

[00:03:43]You have two types of meme coin degen, the LARPer or someone who sells you something to fund their bozo TikToks, and the degen that consumes them thinking his $50 can turn into 500k with a little patience and some wallet tracking. He doesn't sleep. His Telegram pings constantly with 34 alpha groups, 30 of which are run by the same Vietnamese 14-year-old using him as exit liquidity. It's a lonely life fueled by Zyns and coffee, but that one big trade could change his life, and he's banking on that before he has to sell his laptop to pay the bills he's behind on. Nothing left.

[00:04:19]I've got nothing.

[00:04:20]>> [laughter] >> Meme coins are like the purgatory of crypto. You haven't made enough to retire, but have seen more upside than altcoins or Bitcoin, so refuse to leave without doing so. Some will make it out of those trenches, and others are doomed to them for eternity.

[00:04:38]After exhausting every option, there's only one thing left to do. Leverage to the tits and yolo any pair you can find on hyper liquid.

[00:04:46]The culmination of knowledge gained or lost from the technical analyst to the meme coin DGEN result in an arena where risk tolerance doesn't exist, and every trade has the ability to blow up in one candle.

[00:04:59]Sure, there are stories of people making hundreds of thousands in one trade, but timing the bottom on spy is hard enough, let alone the 15-second Bitcoin chart when you have zero room for error. And unlike Claude, the leverage trader does make mistakes, often resulting in implosions only your darkest [music] nightmares could ever fathom. But hey, at least they're handsome.

[00:05:21]Crypto is basically everyone doing the same thing on different scales, faking it until they make it, which means that 90% of you will be faking it as much as your girlfriend does.

[00:05:32]But only in this space can you watch one random guy from Tunisia turn $10 into 100k and lose it again within the same hour. And that, my friends, is a far greater story than anyone holding $50 in Bitcoin thinking it will pay off their mortgage.