Good Science: Hanta Virus

[00:00:00]The information provided on this podcast is uninformed and unreed. Good science does not do any research about any of the topics discussed and assumes no responsibility for errors or omission.

[00:00:20][music] >> [music] >> That's good science. Hey everyone and welcome to Good Science with me, Robert F. Kennedy Jr. and my co-host, the everpresent, ever funny, always shooting his shot. It's Kyle Quim right over here. How you doing, Bobby?

[00:00:48]>> How are you? Well, welcome everyone to our HHS podcast. And today we have a real doozy, don't we, Kyle? I'm really excited.

[00:00:57]>> Oh, hell yeah.

[00:00:58]>> To talk now.

[00:01:00]>> This has been scaring me for a while and I'm so happy we're tackling it.

[00:01:04]>> Right. You know, the the crew crew going on a cruise or the hivirus.

[00:01:10]>> Yeah, the hivirus. Man, I'm scared of these [ __ ] cruises. They feel like uh you know uh Outbreak Festival or something like that.

[00:01:20]>> Yeah.

[00:01:20]>> And I just want to I just want to >> wrap my mind around this whole [ __ ] virus and how scared I should be.

[00:01:27]>> How much I should frighten all my little cousins. Uh what I should be saying.

[00:01:32]>> How many little cousins do you have? How many?

[00:01:34]>> I have like 30 or 40 little cousins.

[00:01:36]>> You How old are they? What's their ages?

[00:01:39]>> They range from two to 60.

[00:01:42]>> Wait a minute. You have a little cousin that's what how old are you Kyle?

[00:01:46]>> Well, older cousins are shorter.

[00:01:50]>> So I I just lump them in in uh under an umbrella of little.

[00:01:54]>> I understand. So and I just to clarify your categorization is is both the uh age and the physical size >> That's right.

[00:02:05]>> of the cousin.

[00:02:07]>> That's interesting. And do they get smaller? Is it like a Benjamin?

[00:02:10]>> They get smaller as they get older.

[00:02:12]>> Yeah. Yeah.

[00:02:13]>> Uh, sometimes.

[00:02:15]>> Oh, so it's not a There's no control.

[00:02:17]Have you ever thought about doing a control?

[00:02:20]>> What would that look? What's a What does that mean? Cuz I only know you mean like control them with my mind.

[00:02:27]>> No. Well, I mean I mean I I can't talk about secret secret projects that President Trump is working on.

[00:02:35]>> [ __ ] >> Yeah. I want to hear about this. Oh, there's like mindful [ __ ] going on.

[00:02:40]>> Well, I'll tell you. So, you know how there's MK Ultra, right? There's CIA program in the 1950s,60s, and 70s that >> Yeah, they're like uh like Mexican gangs that come in from the south.

[00:02:54]>> That's that's uh MS13. That's a different group than uh President Trump.

[00:03:00]>> Okay. And spend a lot of time getting >> See, this is where I get confused. And what's that little robot that makes noise?

[00:03:07]>> You mean Tweaky?

[00:03:08]>> No. No.

[00:03:10]>> Dr. little robot from Star Wars.

[00:03:14]>> Oh, R2D4.

[00:03:16]>> And that's R2. All right. So, that is not the gang that you're talking about.

[00:03:22]>> Uh R2 R2-D4, of course, was the red R2 unit that is briefly seen on the Jaba's trash transport. R2-D2 is the adventurous and plucky droid that exists across the entire Star Wars timeline and he is no R2 which I gender I should say and I don't believe that gender norms uh I mean and I don't believe in I don't believe in labeling genders besides man and woman but uh ours who is clearly a boy and uh he Uh he's no he's not a disease either. This is MK Ultra.

[00:04:06]This is actually Ted Kazinski the the the bomber. The the uni bomber. Uniomber. Wow. Kyle for you.

[00:04:17]>> Yeah. Thanks. That's a sh [laughter] Well, >> I know my facts when it comes when it comes to dangerous people. I know my facts.

[00:04:26]>> Oh, wow.

[00:04:28]Maybe you're in the wrong business. You ever think of that? Because you don't know anything about comedy.

[00:04:34]Maybe you should >> I know I'm a [ __ ] encyclopedia about two things, >> right?

[00:04:41]>> Comedy.

[00:04:42]>> Okay.

[00:04:42]>> And dangerous people.

[00:04:45]>> Serial bombers. Killers.

[00:04:46]>> Serial bombers.

[00:04:47]>> Gilgo. We got to do a one on the Gilgo Beach killer. Oh, yeah. So, uh MK Ultra was the old one, right? It dosed people.

[00:04:56]But President Trump has started a new one and it's called MK Supreo.

[00:05:02]It's all the toppings and fixings of MK Ultra with a little bit extra psychosis.

[00:05:10]Making sure to control people's minds in 30 minutes or less.

[00:05:15]Like [ __ ] Domino's Pizza. So basically, you're saying you could control you could make people what? Fart when you want to.

[00:05:23]>> Absolutely. You can.

[00:05:24]>> That's crazy. You could make people like uh have you ever been on a plane and you smell a terrible fart or on a cruise and there's an awful smell down the hallway?

[00:05:34]>> Oh [ __ ] That's the act of MK Ultra.

[00:05:37]>> Okay, so let's talk about that cuz that's what I wanted to speak about is the cruises. So we're hearing all this [ __ ] news >> about cruise ships and the Hanta virus.

[00:05:50]We got so many diseases coming out of these cruise ships. Why? A, why are they illegal? Why aren't they illegal? And b, what the [ __ ] is going on, Bobby?

[00:06:00]>> Well, let's first off, let's talk about, and I do want to get into uh, you know, cuz you brought this up because of your audition uh, for for Second City Cruises.

[00:06:12]>> Yes, that's right.

[00:06:13]>> Which is really sad. I [ __ ] auditioned for Second City >> uh, for the touring company.

[00:06:19]>> Explain to everybody what that means.

[00:06:21]It's like some sort of comedy troop and you perform on these cruises for the morons who are on there and you know uh so I couldn't get on as a standup comedian for some [ __ ] reason even though I have millions of followers. So I tried to get in through the Second City [ __ ] >> and I failed my audition terribly because I shouldn't have touched you know I shouldn't have done that. What?

[00:06:49]Who did What did you touch? It >> It's I It's okay. I don't want to get into it for legal reasons.

[00:06:55]>> Oh, I understand. Well, I Well, first off, uh uh when you say you audition, you go on there to go on the cruise.

[00:07:05]Now, people say that comedy actually is uh much easier on a boat.

[00:07:12]>> Yeah. Cuz you're already wobbly.

[00:07:14]>> And that's funny. It's sort of like you're Charlie Chaplan is what I've told.

[00:07:19]>> Wow.

[00:07:19]>> You're already moving. You're You know, Falling is really funny. Aka Mr. Bean.

[00:07:25]>> Oh, wow. You know about Mr. Bean. He's great. Named after [ __ ] comedy maven.

[00:07:30]Yeah, I know everything.

[00:07:31]>> Yeah. He was, you know, a lot of people don't know that Mr. Bean initially dressed as a giant clitoris. He would go on stage at Lester Hall and the >> rude about this. Why did he stop?

[00:07:44]Uh, >> it wasn't like Jewish people or something stopped him, is it?

[00:07:47]>> Yes. Because he built the clitoris costume out of the discarded foreskins of young British Jews. And so >> crazy, >> right? And he tied it into his own nervous system so that when people actually at the end of the show people he encouraged people to go come up and flick Mr. Bean and they would go >> I see. So that's where flick my bean came from.

[00:08:10]>> As Yeah. And so they would flick >> connecting. It's crazy. Okay.

[00:08:13]>> Yes. And now a word from today's sponsor, >> Kyle. We got a new sponsor today.

[00:08:20]>> Oh, hell yeah.

[00:08:21]>> Oh, yeah. I'm very excited about this one.

[00:08:25]And uh this is a a company is a totally new company. It's called uh Disney Cruise Lines.

[00:08:34]So, I want to tell you I want to tell you, Kyle, about Disney Cruise Lines. Uh you know, and I can already hear what you're thinking based on our interview.

[00:08:42]Cruises are floating outbreaks with daiquiries. Well, that's not true, Kyle.

[00:08:48]In this case, at Disney, we've had our share of diseases. Ha, Ebola, COVID, dropsy, and cooties.

[00:08:58]They've all had their start on our ships.

[00:09:02]>> Get the [ __ ] out of here. Really? Yeah.

[00:09:04]>> This is dis we're talking about.

[00:09:06]>> This is DO. Disney cruises. So instead of denying it, well, they embraced it.

[00:09:12]On our cruises, they say, "You've guaranteed to come home with a brand new, rapidly evolving virus experience, Kyle."

[00:09:21]>> Experience like, >> "Would you like to have a virus?"

[00:09:24]>> Escape room.

[00:09:25]>> It would be like an escape room. And and you and then you get sick and you know, you have a disease [clears throat] and if you get the right one, you can leave the ship.

[00:09:37]and other ones you die from. Now they've broken our air cycling system. They've removed all their cleaning protocols and they staffed their ships with people who do not give a [ __ ] Kyle, >> that's great.

[00:09:50]>> This is very important. It's incredible.

[00:09:52]This is a closed environment with thousands of morons eating rotten shrimp, touching railings, and vomiting off the high wobbly deck.

[00:10:01]>> That's incredible.

[00:10:02]>> Well, it everyone's sick and you're experiencing that. Everyone's sick. And you know, you see those viral videos, Kyle, where someone's on the thing and they're like, "Please, I'm stuck on the ship. I'm a human being, too." And imagine how many followers you get from that. Imagine the social media clout you gain.

[00:10:22]>> That's why they're doing it. That's why they're doing it.

[00:10:24]>> So, you know, if you're a young influencer, if you're someone who doesn't have the type of exposure that you want, this is an it' be a great opportunity for you, Kyle, to get a lot of exposure.

[00:10:35]Now, for entertainment, this is incredible. They've partnered with DreamWorks, the makers of Ants with a Z, starring Woody Allen.

[00:10:43]But in this case, they have their bigger star, Shrek, who will be serving hot fries by the freezing pool. And we've partnered with Sheen, allowing passengers to dump fast fashion into a floating garbage island in the Pacific, which President Trump is working. always wanted to do that and people now pay for that experience. That's incredible.

[00:11:06]>> Well, here's you know, think about that.

[00:11:08]We're so fortunate that we lived in a world where you could dump for free cuz now people are paying for it.

[00:11:14]>> Pay to dump.

[00:11:15]>> They're paying to dump. And you know that island, President Trump, I can announce now, is preparing to make the floating garbage island of the Pacific the 51st state in the union.

[00:11:28]>> Incredible. Get on it quick, folks.

[00:11:30]>> Get on that quick. buy your property now. So if you're old if you're an old Oh yeah. Okay. So if you're an old dying [ __ ] or a single [ __ ] Kyle looking to get absolutely railed on the open water, Disney is for you. If you're going to worry anyway, why not worry with us?

[00:11:50]Disney Cruise Lines. I think that's >> Hit it up, folks.

[00:11:54]>> Yeah, hit it up today. Offer code Kyle. How about that, Kyle? What do you think about that?

[00:12:01]>> They did you as the offer code.

[00:12:04]>> So anyway, uh well, it's a shame that you didn't get on there, but maybe it's actually fortunate, Kyle, because just one of a number of dangerous viruses that are spreading right now around the world. So what is hivirus?

[00:12:24]Antivirus? Well, first off, the name originates from the Dutch word for Santa Claus, which was Santa Claus.

[00:12:31]>> Oh [ __ ] >> Yes. Yes. And Santa Claus was actually >> No, no, his Dutch. Dutch, he was uh uh actually, you know, in in Christmas is considered uh a quarantine event in the Netherlands. See, Santa Claus would spread disease, disorder, death, and sickness >> instead of presents.

[00:12:56]>> Yeah.

[00:12:57]>> Oh my god, he's spreading disease. Okay.

[00:13:00]>> So, you'd open a gift, you'd go, "Oh, oh, what's in my stocking? Oh, mama.

[00:13:05]Mama, what's in my stocking?" Right? But they would say it in Dutch, >> you know? And they would go up and they'd pull out polio. It would be just a cube of polio. And then they would >> That's [ __ ] incred. Wait. So, okay.

[00:13:17]So polio used to come in cubes, >> right? All diseases used to come in cubes.

[00:13:23]>> That's crazy. And when did it turn invisible?

[00:13:27]>> The industrial revolution would break all the cubes up and then spread the disease everywhere. You see, >> that's [ __ ] up.

[00:13:34]>> Back in the day, diseases were in little blocks and cubes and you'd have to break them up to get sick. Which is why only coal miners or people who were in caves got sick >> and everybody else lived to a very ripe age.

[00:13:48]>> Coal, right? Baby Jessica.

[00:13:50]>> Baby Jessica was in the tunnel. She was in that uh little uh well and she got sick.

[00:13:57]>> Now, was baby Jessica a cube?

[00:13:59]>> Yeah. Well, she was a baby and she uh ate cubes inside the well, which is why she then became a and this was the first case of inoculation uh cited in a study done out out of Kansas City in 1992 uh proving that if babies eat cubes of disease early enough, it inoculates them and it's the natural way.

[00:14:26]>> And that's how Picasso Yeah. Right.

[00:14:28]That's where Picasso got it.

[00:14:30]>> That's right. Absolutely.

[00:14:31]>> Okay. So, tell me what how how does panta virus spread and what does it look like?

[00:14:37]>> Well, first off, Kyle, I don't know if you've ever seen a sexy mouse or a rat, but I know I have. And uh >> Minnie, I'm going to say Minnie is the first thing that comes to my head.

[00:14:49]>> Well, well, and Minnie Mouse, let's just face it, she's she's open for business.

[00:14:55]Now I heard and this is is this true that Minnie Mouse used to have huge tits and they had to you know take them down like minimize the tits.

[00:15:04]>> Yeah.

[00:15:04]>> Because Walt got too horny around Minnie.

[00:15:07]>> Well, Walt Disney was one of the first cases in the 20th century of antivirus because a lot of people don't know and it's coming out now because it's been so long the statute of limitations on his uh personal sexual history have run out and now it's public domain. Wait, is this why is this why they started on Disney cruise lines virus?

[00:15:28]>> Yes, because he used to he would have he would have sex with all the rats and mice that were on the ships and that was how you got the Disney seal of approval.

[00:15:38]>> So the Disney cruise So and also you have to remember cruising before it was a ship.

[00:15:44]>> It was just cruising for [ __ ] >> Cruising. Right. Right. Right.

[00:15:48]>> Yeah. So, so he was cruising for rat [ __ ] and he would [ __ ] it. And then of course, you know, when you have sex with a rat, the [ __ ] juice backs up into your penis hole and then you get ha from that. See, it's backed up [ __ ] juice up the dick hole. That is what changes. And this is all medical terminology. So, >> I see. I see. Okay. And that's the gift that Santa gives. That would be that's what we used well you know when they used to that was the gift Santa gave him that's the old story that is >> yeah so what what does virus look like you get it you get that juice look how does it show itself >> you can also get it from heavy petting kissing um you know any sort of rubbing about >> any kind of rat >> I was going to just say also a lot of people I think we all know this our moms used to do this they would get on the for and they would sweep up all the rat [ __ ] in the kitchen and then they would suck it up uh with their mouth like a cartoon vacuum and uh you know often mommy would get sick from Hanta, right?

[00:16:57]>> And have to sleep for a long time uh or you know she would she would die uh which is what most women die from hivirus. Actually it's the number one killer of women.

[00:17:07]>> Number one [ __ ] killer.

[00:17:08]>> Yeah. Oh yeah.

[00:17:09]>> And that's above men.

[00:17:11]>> Oh yeah. Well, no. Hus kills women more than men do. That's crazy.

[00:17:17]>> Yes, Ha kills women more than men, but men are, I'll tell you, they're neck and neck, and I'm rooting for men to take.

[00:17:24]>> Me, too. I'm rooting for men, too. Uh, I don't want them to die of havirus. I hope men take the lead again. Now, tell me, what are the symptoms of hivirus?

[00:17:33]>> Well, hivirus, you have a number of symptoms. uh itchy armpits. Uh scale uh uh you get on a scale and you can't get an accurate weight.

[00:17:44]>> It's always changing.

[00:17:45]>> There's grayscale.

[00:17:47]>> There's gray scale. Yeah.

[00:17:49]>> Like from Game of Thrones.

[00:17:50]>> Yes. Which is which wasn't real until Game of Thrones came out and then people started getting grayscale and becoming statues at the end of their, you know, at the end of the progression. Uh there's also grayscale where you actually lose your uh uh tint. So as you move along, there's two types of grayscale. We should break them down and and you know the Dutch Institute for uh haunt the viruses all on the website.

[00:18:17]You you can see there's grayscale which is the Game of Thrones disease and then there's grayscale which is losing your actual color tone and becoming and back uh in the early days of the silent movies and black and white films a number of actors actually had hivirus.

[00:18:35]>> So you turn into steamboat Willie essentially.

[00:18:39]>> Yeah. Yeah.

[00:18:40]>> The old Mickey the old rat essentially.

[00:18:44]That's [ __ ] crazy.

[00:18:45]>> The old rat. Well that's what his to say. I got the old, you know, they go, someone would see some guy begging on the corner with his coal lung. And he'd go, "Oh, Paleo, how you doing?" He go, "Not well. It's the depression." And I'm waiting for Hitler to get more popular in Germany. Save us all. And he'd say, "Oh, I got the old rat." And >> well, talk to me. Talk to me about the cruises because why do they happen in a cruise? We know cruises are fun. We know they're places people get [ __ ] We know there places people have uh uh margaritas, sweaty musky slides. Yeah.

[00:19:21]So why does why does the h virus grow?

[00:19:24]And I think the people listening want to know why does the hivirus uh why is it like a pe uh pet tree? Uh uh no don't get it.

[00:19:36]>> Oh uh are you trying to guess something?

[00:19:39]>> Yeah. Pa tree pee on a tree like a dog.

[00:19:42]Pete Davidson. Pete >> Pete Davidson >> Davidson tree.

[00:19:46]>> Pete Davidson tree. Well, I always when I it is funny when I think of Pete Davidson, the first thing I think of is piss.

[00:19:55]>> Right. Right. Okay. So, why is why is the uh Cruz a Pete Davidson a dish?

[00:20:04]>> Oh, I know what you're trying to say.

[00:20:06]You're trying to say pee dish, right?

[00:20:10]Sure. That's a place where bacteria grows.

[00:20:13]>> Yeah. Yeah. Why is that a Pete uh >> that's originally called a Pete Davidson dish?

[00:20:19]>> Why is it a Pete Davidson dish out there?

[00:20:22]>> Well, you have to think first off the type of people who go on cruises are disgusting.

[00:20:27]>> Disgusting, right? They're often the most grotesque and uh flabby and old and you know they're already stinking of other diseases and and they have a muskiness. And then you have young gross sort of, you know, children >> ready to [ __ ] people, right?

[00:20:42]>> Stinky. Well, ready to [ __ ] Yeah. Oh, yeah. Well, the old people are ready to [ __ ] And the children, you know, good luck to you on a cruise cuz you can't.

[00:20:51]>> Okay. So, they're So, what I'm assuming is happening is a mouse gets on a cruise.

[00:20:58]>> Right. Right.

[00:20:58]>> These people who are dying to [ __ ] >> Yeah.

[00:21:02]>> Or too old to realize what they're [ __ ] are having sex with a rat. Uh well, or they're thinking of Yeah.

[00:21:09]>> Okay. And then a disease just spreads cuz they're stuck on this [ __ ] boat.

[00:21:14]>> Well, you have to consider it this way.

[00:21:16]First off, they're having sex with a rat because they love the rats. They they grew up where sexuality with a rat or a mouse was a totally normal thing. It was a right of passage.

[00:21:27]>> Let's talk about the rat. Is a rat hot?

[00:21:31]>> Yeah. Yeah. Well, I mean, my father took me to a rat, uh, you know, when before he died, >> like a prostitute.

[00:21:39]>> Yeah. And I had sex with the rat to learn.

[00:21:41]>> Now, what is technically the sexiest part of a rat? Is it the tail?

[00:21:46]>> Oh, no. It's not the tail at all. It's actually the engorged uh glands that are on either side of its thigh. Now, >> that's where they sit.

[00:21:57]>> Yes. It's the fat upper thigh. There's >> the fat upper thigh. The Okay, the foot.

[00:22:04]And now the foot. Now tell me something.

[00:22:06]Does it get wet?

[00:22:07]>> That's where you get foot and mouth disease. If I don't know if you've ever had as a child, you've had foot and mouth disease.

[00:22:12]>> I've heard about it.

[00:22:13]>> Yeah, that's where you get it from as a child. We don't understand ourselves yet.

[00:22:18]>> Oh yeah, they spray they spray it, but it's [ __ ] it's just, you know, it smells like pachuli oil mixed with like a it's like a musky pichuli. It's really [ __ ] foul, >> you know.

[00:22:33]>> It's good though.

[00:22:34]>> It's foul in a good way. The same way, you know, >> that sex smell is delicious. And it's a lot of people in the industry, perfuming industry, don't know that actually rat fut is probably the number one ingredient all clones and perfumes, especially high-end ones. But, you know, I think that the best way to answer these questions, Kyle, is to bring on our guest.

[00:22:56]>> Oh, I can't wait for this. He's a cruise director uh currently of Disney Cruises.

[00:23:02]Uh his name is Ruty.

[00:23:04]>> Yes. Hello. My uh I I do work at one of the bigger um bruises. Uh one with characters and costumes and uh a lot of magic.

[00:23:14]>> Right.

[00:23:15]>> Uh but I've worked at many other uh cruise directors in the cruises in the past. Yes.

[00:23:19]>> Your name is Rut Fonty, correct?

[00:23:21]>> Yes. Rut Fonty.

[00:23:22]>> Okay.

[00:23:22]>> Now, Rut, what the [ __ ] is going on on these goddamn cruises? Why are they such a hot bed for disease?

[00:23:31]>> Yeah. Yeah. Tell us, Rut.

[00:23:32]>> There's a lot more going on on cruises beside the spread of disease from uh rodent feces and urine. We have uh five incredible ships uh uh cruising all over the Bahamas, most out of Florida. We go to a private uh island owned by the company that I work for, >> Jeffrey Epstein. Epstein Island.

[00:23:54]>> It's not Epstein Island. No, it's not far from uh what people call Epsteia in island uh which is little St. James. Uh but our private island is called Castaway K.

[00:24:04]>> Castaway K.

[00:24:05]>> Castaway K. That's our private Bahamian island uh that all of our cruise ships uh make a port call to.

[00:24:11]>> Listen to me. How long do you think you're going to stonewall Kyle and I telling us your [ __ ] about where the hell you go on your cruise and the familyfriendly crap? I want to understand how the hell disease is spreading the way it's spreading on your Disney cruise lines. You can sugarcoat it all you want and wallpaper over it and paint it up and pave it over and then take some wood paneling and install it and make sure to put in solid wiring in the interior of the wall so that the sticks and then then you put the wood in to put the frames in to make SURE THAT THAT WALL IS STURDY AND YOU'RE COVERING IT UP in a secret safe hidden behind that wall that you constructed with 10in steel plates and a copper Anytime you put uh large groups of people in a confined area like a ship, uh if there is an exposure to any sort of human to human transmissible virus, uh that is a situation where diseases can spread, whether it's the common cold uh or a novel disease, the antivirus.

[00:25:14]>> You run Disney cruise lines. Is that right?

[00:25:16]>> I am a cruise director for a large company. A large company with a presence in Orlando and Anaheim. Does Daisy Duck have STDs? Is that what's going on here?

[00:25:28]>> Well, no. None of the characters are real and the costumes don't have, you know, genitals or coagula or anything like that.

[00:25:35]>> So, you're saying specifically you designed the Disney characters to not have pu [ __ ] and dicks >> or cloakers or coagulas?

[00:25:45]>> Yes. But a cloagula is just a clogged cloa. Never forget it. It's what my mother used to tell me when I was sick.

[00:25:52]None of our characters or cast members, whether costumed or uh appearing with their real faces, are engaging in any illicit activity with any of the guests.

[00:26:04]What they do uh in their free time among themselves.

[00:26:07]>> Why do you specifically request that these animals don't have genitals? Is it because that's what you're into and you don't is that what is that what you like?

[00:26:15]>> Yeah. You're some kind of bomb [ __ ] freak.

[00:26:17]>> No. been traditionally at the Disney company, and I don't speak for the entire company. I've been a cruise director for cruises run by many different companies uh uh that offer those types of services in the world.

[00:26:28]But speaking to the Disney company in particular, they saw in the early days with the Mickey and Minnie Mouse costumes that, you know, rodent penises and vaginas are buried under a layer of hair. They're not really visible. And in fact, one of the tough ways to find out whether the you're dealing with a rodent that has that is a male is to flip it over on its abdomen and press on its sternum and uh its little penis will pop out and show you that it's male.

[00:26:55]>> And there's no way there would be no way to to translate that to a character design. you know, there'd be no and and and and even so, you know, the the engineering problems and at what point would anybody be laying Mickey Mouse down on his back and pressing on his sternum and seeing if his little >> pig penis shows up? They they thought about it, they rejected it, and then they just carried that policy through for all the rest of the characters.

[00:27:17]>> Well, is that a fun thing you do on the cruise? Because I know there's always a lot of fun activities on cruises, and is one of them getting rats and having the children push on the sternum?

[00:27:28]>> No. No, we don't normally have that either for our larger, you know, humansized characters or >> uh or the actual rats and the actual rats aboard the ship.

[00:27:37]>> That's that's a problem that that ship fairing folk, sailors and such have dealt with for hundreds of years. You you go to a port, you trade supplies, you resupply, rats get on the ship.

[00:27:49]That's how Norwegian rats got into the United States.

[00:27:52]>> You guys started the H virus, right? So you guys, the hanta virus started you guys started that. So tell us how you did that and and how you got it to spread so quickly. That's a great question, Kyle. Incisive.

[00:28:06]>> We we did not. No. The the the best information that we have in the industry is that someone went to a dump to watch some birds and was exposed to rat feces, rat urine. You expect us to believe that a man got exposed to rat urine and not to believe that you actually started this [ __ ] And I want to know this. This is one of my primary. Have you ever had a disease? Have you ever had a disease on a ship and then spread it to these innocent old people and young children who don't know where their parents are?

[00:28:37]>> We make sure that the children know where their parents are. I once had strep throat and I quarantined myself, but I may have spread it to someone else.

[00:28:44]>> Here we go. Here we go. Now we're starting to uncover something. Tell me something. How long have you had a tail, sir?

[00:28:51]>> I don't I don't have a tail.

[00:28:52]>> Are you a [ __ ] rat?

[00:28:54]>> No. No, sir.

[00:28:55]>> How can you disprove it? Can you disprove you have a tail? I don't see how you could disprove it.

[00:29:00]>> Well, I'm not going to stand up and show you my rear end, but I promise I don't have a tail.

[00:29:04]>> It would clear things up if we could see your cloa.

[00:29:07]>> I'm very easy to Google.

[00:29:09]>> Google is are pictures of your genitals on the internet, sir. No, but you can find profiles of me from trade magazines in the cruise industry and the authors of those pieces would have mentioned if I had any kind of prehensel tail or bird genitals.

[00:29:23]>> I don't know if you know this and maybe you can actually help out. I want to take a break from the interview to intercede on Kyle's behalf as a highranking government official. Kyle recently auditioned for Second City Cruises and due to an unfortunate incident that happens in improvisation where a woman is in the scene, he got into a little bit of trouble.

[00:29:46]>> No more details, please guys.

[00:29:48]>> Well, I legal hairy. Legally hairy.

[00:29:51]>> It would be great. Legal hairy is probably the problem. And so what I would say is maybe you could step in and talk to Walt Disney's dead body or something about getting him on the ship to improvise. And I think he would gladly even work on the underground prostitution ring that exists on the lower decks of the ships. Will you deny that?

[00:30:15]>> That was before my time. That was well before my time and uh I sure precluded from speaking to it under the terms of the settlement. But I I mean I could get you on the ship. If you want to be an entertainer, we we need a new downstairs. Dale, >> I would love to be I would love to be on the ship. Can I make horribly insensitive jokes?

[00:30:37]>> You're pretty muffled inside the costume. So, as long as it sounds like mutters and chipmunk squeaks, it doesn't matter.

[00:30:42]>> Oh, you're talking about I would be I would be an animal is what you're saying.

[00:30:46]>> Yeah. You'd be you'd be a down below deck Dale. We've got a Dale who's up by the water slide. And then we've also got a Dale who's below deck at the restaurant. And we need a new Dale. The last one got handed.

[00:30:56]>> And Dale is the tall one who's sort of he's the tall silly one, right?

[00:31:01]>> Yeah. With the rounder nose. The more >> with the rounder nose. Yeah. He's Yeah.

[00:31:06]And he's he walks around and he laughs like go like that.

[00:31:10]>> You understand what he's doing, Kyle, right now? Do you understand what he's doing? Neil and Chip are just forms of rats. They're rodents. They're [ __ ] rodents. And he wants to make you the psy Lee Harvey Oswald for Disney Cruises. See, dressing you up like Dale.

[00:31:28]And what do you think downstairs Dale means, Kyle? It means the guy who everyone takes downstairs. The rat that they take downstairs and they do dirty things downstairs.

[00:31:39]>> And they go downstairs on him. And that's how you spread antivirus.

[00:31:44]>> You see, this is [ __ ] sick. This is sick.

[00:31:47]>> Piece of [ __ ] You son of a [ __ ] You come on here and you lie to us. You lie to us about And now you're going to tell me right now you're not quarantined in your ship because there's a massive Ebola spread that's happening right now on the uh Let It Go cruise. And that's where young mothers who don't want their children anymore go on this Disney cruise and then drop them off the railing once they're in an international wallet while Let It Go plays. The Disney Corporation obeys all laws, national and international, and international territory. If any woman is moved to throw her infant child off of the deck of the ship during our frozen fireworks programming in the evening, that's their business and that's enforceable under maritime law, but not not by the officers on the ship.

[00:32:36]>> But you do allow it.

[00:32:37]>> We allow any legal activity.

[00:32:40]>> I bet you they [ __ ] encourage that [ __ ] Bobby. They encourage it.

[00:32:44]Yeah, he encourages it. Look at him.

[00:32:47]Look at him in his little cruise cabin.

[00:32:49]Don't you ever think, pal, that maybe you're the one on the short end of the stick? Look how tiny that goddamn cabin is. I mean, you got barely enough room for your Murphy bed.

[00:32:59]>> I like it.

[00:33:02]>> I don't believe you.

[00:33:03]>> I like it.

[00:33:03]>> They won't even let you hang a picture.

[00:33:05]>> It's my pleasure to be aboard the ship.

[00:33:08]>> Now, what other cruise lines have you worked for, and what diseases broke out on them? I have worked for Carnival, >> right?

[00:33:16]>> Uh we did have a rabid dog.

[00:33:18]>> Massive rabies outbreak that happened on a Carnival cruise.

[00:33:21]>> No, not a massive rabies. Just one rabbid dog that needed to be put down aboard.

[00:33:26]>> Okay.

[00:33:26]>> I worked for the Norwegian cruises during the CO outbreak. We sailed around for quite a while.

[00:33:31]>> Disgusting that you did that. That you even it pretended that CO was real.

[00:33:35]Everything coming out of your mouth feels slightly sexual.

[00:33:38]>> Yeah, that's true.

[00:33:39]>> Nobody's ever said that about me before.

[00:33:41]Do you think that the submersible that collapsed with the billionaires on it would not have collapsed uh under the pressure of the ocean if they had a competent cruise director on there?

[00:33:52]>> I would have advised everyone in that ship not to depart with a video game joystick controlling a >> experimental submersible that could not handle the pressure of the ocean. Yes, I would I would have blown the whistle, so to speak, though it is a literal whistle uh that allows me to object to us uh departing or embarking on board.

[00:34:13]>> Oh, let's dig into that. So, you have a literal whistle, sort of like uh Willy Wonka that you play when there's an issue on the ship.

[00:34:23]>> All the officers do. Yes, we all have a little whistle and we whistle if there's a problem and then everything stops and we talk about it.

[00:34:30]Now, uh, >> I can't demonstrate it for you here because if I blew it, everybody would come down and ask me why.

[00:34:37]>> And you don't have enough room in your quarters for everyone to be in there.

[00:34:40]It's so small.

[00:34:42]>> So, I would assume that uh that you couldn't fit anyone. It's incredibly tiny. It's the smallest room I've ever seen in my life.

[00:34:49]>> Types of conversations.

[00:34:51]>> Why do you still have a job? I have a question. Why do you still have a job if h if you're the one who started hivirus?

[00:35:00]>> You're the one getting to the root of the issue.

[00:35:02]>> I didn't start the antivirus.

[00:35:04]>> You didn't. You didn't start it specifically. You >> I didn't.

[00:35:08]>> Yeah. You just Yeah. This is a man parsing.

[00:35:11]>> And how come you don't have a disease?

[00:35:13]How come you don't have antivirus, but everyone on your [ __ ] boat has antivirus?

[00:35:19]>> Doesn't it seem strange that you >> Doesn't it seem weird that you're the only one who didn't get it?

[00:35:24]Oh, you've got piss in your legs.

[00:35:26]>> Most people didn't get it. Only a few people get it. I have gout. Yes, because I eat all the rich food in our uh buffets and two dining rooms. I'm on a cruise ship all the time, so I'm eating cruise ship food. I don't have a lot of discipline. So, yes, I've got a big swollen achy breaky big feet.

[00:35:43]>> Big feet. You're eating [ __ ] tomatoes. You got big feet while people are walking around [ __ ] rodents on your ship and you don't give them a minute, >> Kyle. You realize what he's doing? He's telling us he works at a Disney cruise.

[00:35:56]He's got this beard clearly to cover up his giant bill. He's got yellow pissfilled feet from all the food he eats. Just like a particular duck I know who's uh Yeah. Who's a uh I see what you're [ __ ] >> He's not Daffy.

[00:36:13]>> He's not Daffy, but he likes disco. I think we are actually talking to one of the chief lieutenants of Disney, the Gerbles of Disney. Donald Duck, are you sir going to tell me that with your clear bill, your beard that disguises your face, which could clearly easily be feathers, your >> [ __ ] weird ass voice, >> your weird voice, you got a crazy voice, you got a crazy ass voice, and you got yellow pissfilled feet. That's a Donald Duck if I ever saw one. Total. This is a total snow job.

[00:36:47]>> I'm not Donald Duck.

[00:36:48]>> Describe your ideal woman.

[00:36:49]>> Yeah, describe your ideal woman. We'll see if you're really Donald Duck or not.

[00:36:54]>> Sort of coetish. Uh, pale skin, purple skirt, little purple dress, boner hair.

[00:37:01]>> What? Boner hair. The [ __ ] is boner hair?

[00:37:03]>> Fatty eyelashes.

[00:37:05]>> You've never seen boner hair?

[00:37:06]>> Boner hair. Bow.

[00:37:09]>> Oh, boner.

[00:37:11]>> Boner hair. Purple [clears throat] sundress. Bow her hair. Batty eyelash corner here.

[00:37:16]>> That's what I like in a lady.

[00:37:18]>> Interesting. And you're not Donald Duck.

[00:37:21]>> No, I'm not.

[00:37:22]>> Okay. But you like a gal who's >> Talk about your family for a second.

[00:37:26]>> Yeah. Tell us about your family in your family.

[00:37:28]>> Yeah. Who's in your family? Who What's your uncle like?

[00:37:30]>> My uncle passed away a long time ago.

[00:37:32]Left me a considerable amount of money, which is why I was able to follow my dreams to be a cruise director. Yes.

[00:37:37]>> You got any nephews, [ __ ] >> That's none of your business if I have nephews or not.

[00:37:41]>> That's it. Get him out of here. You're welcome aboard our cruise at any time.

[00:37:45]>> Wow, that was incredible. I mean, I can't believe that we >> met Donald Duck. That's >> Donald. Yeah, >> we heard a lot of [ __ ] [ __ ] today.

[00:37:55]>> A lot of [ __ ] from the um the director of Disney Cruises. Yeah.

[00:38:00]>> Uh we heard a lot about the H virus, a lot about Second City. Right.

[00:38:05]>> Why don't you give us uh a little wrap-up diagnosis about uh to the public about what we should be doing about HA and cruise lines?

[00:38:13]>> You know, today we learned a lot about not only health, cruises, the contribution of Disney to disease in the world, but also how difficult it is to book an improv job on a cruise. And let's weave together this tapestry. What we know is that cruise liners are actively disease spreading systems. uh much like if the earth is a big fat guy which we've determined it is that the ha virus which resides on a ship or whatever disease you want a SARS a MS a polio doesn't matter take your pick measles which isn't a real disease that these cruise liners act as suppositories moving around the earth distributing disease to the population that cruise directors are often actual mascots of whatever company they represent. So, if you're on a Princess cruise, the likelihood is that your cruise director is a princess in disguise.

[00:39:26]And that means that not only is she royalty, but she has clean blood that can't be affected by disease. And this is the trap.

[00:39:35]Cruise lines hire people to run the cruisers who are immune to the diseases they're spreading. And the way that we call the population is by bringing the old and the young on these ships and exposing them to horrible disease. And then natural selection takes place.

[00:39:54]Those who can't survive are to die at sea. And it's also a test of our sexual vigor. Do we have the ability to resist the sexual haunts of a rutting rat? Do we look at the beautiful swollen breasts of a young female mouse and learn how to turn away so that we aren't exposing our family to horrible disease? I think the challenge is to you. I know here at the CDC in partnership with the FDA and the other departments that I'm not aware of the names of that we are working in concert with the cruise lines to create a more orderly way of bringing people onto ships, exposing them to diseases and then dumping them in the ocean. The ocean is a great graveyard. It's very deep and no one's ever seen the bottom of it except for those billionaires. And they died the minute they saw the bottom of the ocean. The way that when Icarus flew to the sky, his dad said, "You have wings made of wax." And then he flew into the sun and became another planet, however that works. But finally, and most importantly, the greatest disease that's spread on all cruise ships around the world is the disease of bad improv comedy.

[00:41:27]Millions of people every year are exposed to terrible and boring, misguided scene work. people who couldn't even stand on a stage in a major city and get a laugh, but somehow they were allowed to be on a boat to bore the [ __ ] out of all these pork pies who are ready to die from some respiratory illness or a heart attack in the middle of the night.

[00:41:50]>> Preach.

[00:41:51]>> I I think that we saved our co-star today. Our co-host. I think we saved our co-host today. Kyle, you've been saved from a terrible death. A disease worse than any communicable virus, which is the improviser trapped on a boat. The improviser sliding his hand up some lady improvisers's thigh saying, "Oh, I like this corduroy. It makes your thighs really sexy. What do you say we go down what's going on with you right now?

[00:42:26]bottom of the boat and uh we'll find ourselves a >> folks. Folks, before Bobby creams in his shorts, I'm just going to say what Mickey Mouse always said uh to say goodbye. And he said, "That's all, folks."

[00:42:41]>> That's right. OH, I MADE H AND my pantas.

[00:42:48][music] Heat. Heat.

[00:42:56][music] Heat. Heat.

[00:43:15]>> [music] >> Yeah.

[00:43:20][music] [music] Heat.