High standards or self sabotage?

追加: 2026-05-22

[00:00:00]I will dismiss a man because of his shoes. I was in a bar. I saw a guy who stood out to me from the crowd, but when he got closer, I looked down, I saw his shoes, and my brain went, nope. That was it. Full assessment, case closed. I didn't talk to him. I felt like I didn't need to because I had already dismissed him before he even opened his mouth. And honestly, at the time, I didn't even question it. I just thought, I know what I like, and someone who wears those shoes is clearly not my type. What I didn't realize was that my standards weren't protecting me from the wrong men, they were protecting me from all of them. And the difference between those two things took me a very long time to understand. If you're new here, hi, welcome. I'm Erica, I'm 44, and I'm documenting my honest attempt to find love after years of being very comfortably single. And ladies, if you have an avoidant attachment style, or you're not sure what that actually means, but everything I said sounded really familiar, then you're in the right place. And if you've been swiping left like it's a competitive sport, and you're going for gold, but somewhere deep down you actually do want to find real love, and go from avoidant to actually secure, then please subscribe and stick around. Now, let's get into it. So, here's something I'm a little embarrassed to admit. On dating apps, I could dismiss a man in under 5 seconds.

[00:01:22]Not 5 minutes, 5 seconds. Wrong opening line, gone. Something about his bio felt a little off, gone.

[00:01:30]His photos were fine, but one of them had a weird angle, gone. I wasn't even reading most messages properly. I was just scanning, like airport security, looking for threats. And I was fast, I can tell you. I remember this one guy who messaged me, and something about the way he wrote just felt, I don't know, not masculine enough. I can't even tell you what exactly it was, because the words were fine, the tone was fine, but something in his way of expressing himself made me go, "Nope, not for me."

[00:02:00]I had never met this man, never heard his voice, never been in a room with him, and I had already decided that he just wasn't it, based on a few lines of text on a screen.

[00:02:11]He just felt too needy. I don't know.

[00:02:14]And I didn't feel bad about it. I felt efficient, like a woman who knew what she wanted, who didn't waste time, because, you know, I had standards. And that's the thing about high standards.

[00:02:25]And you're the one holding them, they feel like self-respect. They feel like clarity and like you're not settling.

[00:02:31]But looking back now, I can see something I couldn't see then. I wasn't just selecting, I was actually eliminating. And there's a big difference. One is about trying to find someone, the other one is about making sure you don't. And here's something I didn't understand until recently. That instant no that I felt when I looked at a profile or read a message or saw those shoes, that wasn't a decision. That was a reaction. My nervous system was deciding for me before my brain even got involved. And it was fast, like milliseconds fast. Because that's what nervous systems do. They scan for safety. And when you're avoidant, your system has learned that closeness is not safe. So it screens people out, not based on who they actually are, but based on how close they might get. And the dangerous thing is, it disguises that as taste, as a preference, or as I just know what I want. But it's not preference, it's actually protection.

[00:03:26]And when you're swiping left at the speed of light, you're not being selective. Your nervous system is just doing what it has always done. It's keeping everyone at a safe distance before you even notice what is going on.

[00:03:38]I have a name for the part of me that ran this whole system. Her name is Susan. She's my avoidant side, and she's very efficient. Susan had built a quality control checkpoint right at the entrance. Wrong opener, reject it. Too eager, reject it. Too available, Rejected. Shoes she doesn't approve of?

[00:03:59]Definitely rejected. And she made it feel like good taste or refinement, like being a woman who just simply knows what she wants. But what Susan was really doing was making sure no one got past the lobby. But there was this one guy who got a little further than most. And honestly, I kind of wish he didn't. So, we were chatting on Bumble and at first I was actually interested. His profile was thoughtful. He was into personal growth, which I liked because I am too.

[00:04:26]We started talking and the conversation was good. And I thought, "Okay, this could actually go somewhere." But then something shifted. He started talking about all the work he had done on himself, the books he'd read, the breakthroughs he had, the things he'd learned about communication and emotional intelligence. And at first that seemed impressive, but quickly it started to feel like a performance, like he was just showing off. And then, the final straw. I said something and apparently it wasn't the right answer.

[00:04:56]And he started gently correcting me. Not in a mean way, just in that soft, careful, "I'm just trying to help you grow" way. He basically started coaching me on a dating app before we'd even met.

[00:05:07]And I unmatched so fast I think my thumb left a mark on the screen. Now, here's where I want to be honest with you because the ick was real. That condescending tone, also real. The showing off, again, real. I'm not saying I imagined that, but here's what I learned about how avoidant women like me, and maybe like you, operate. We don't invent reasons to leave. We don't need to because people are human and humans are imperfect. So, there's always something real to find. A real flaw, a small annoyance, an obvious red flag, or at least a yellowish one. And Susan, she just grabs it. Not because it's a deal-breaker, but because it's an exit.

[00:05:48]A way out that feels justified and reasonable that you can explain to your friends and they'll nod and say, "Yeah, that no, that's weird. You were right to leave." So, the flaw is real, but the speed of the exit, that's not standard.

[00:06:02]That's avoidant attachment in full glory. And this is something I think is worth reflecting on because a securely attached woman in the same situation would have felt the same annoyance. She probably would have rolled her eyes too, but her body would have let her stay.

[00:06:18]Not because she has lower standards, but because her nervous system isn't constantly scanning for the nearest exit. She can feel annoyed and still be curious. She can notice a flaw and not make it the whole story. Her body just doesn't read one awkward moment as a reason to shut everything down. And I think that's the difference. It's not about what we notice. We all notice things. It's about what happens in our body the moment we notice it. For a secure woman, it's information. For me, it was ammunition. I didn't give him a second chance to do anything. I was just gone before the conversation was even over. And that's the pattern I want you to see. It's not that we're wrong about the flaw. It's that we're using it as the entire verdict. One awkward moment, one bad text, or one wrong pair of shoes, and the whole person gets dismissed. Not because they failed, but because Susan finally found what she was looking for. A reason to leave before it became a reason to stay. And here's the thing that made all of this even harder to see. I wasn't just listening to Susan. I was also listening to the internet. At some point, I started seeing more and more dating coaches on social media. You know, the ones who post with a lot of confidence and very strong opinions about what you should and shouldn't accept as a woman in dating. Know your worth. Never settle.

[00:07:36]If he doesn't do X, Y, Z in the first three dates, he's not your person. And look, some of that is valid. Boundaries and self-respect matter. I'm not arguing with that. But when you already have an avoidant side that is looking for reasons to dismiss people, that kind of content just becomes ammunition. It doesn't challenge your wall. It decorates it.

[00:07:58]It makes the wall look empowering or like self-love. And I just ate it all up. Also because it confirmed exactly what I already wanted to believe. That being alone was a sign of high value.

[00:08:10]That rejecting men quickly meant I respect with myself. That my shrinking dating pool was just proof that I simply would not settle. And nobody around me questioned it either. Because from the outside, it looks great, right? She's independent. She's confident. She knows what she wants. But what nobody saw, and honestly what I didn't want to see either, was that I had turned I won't settle into I won't risk. And those are two very different things. And I think this is something kind of specific to avoidant women that nobody really talks about. I mean, we love self-improvement, right? We read the books. We do the courses. We journal. We reflect. We are really doing the work. But we do it all alone. And that's the tricky part.

[00:08:55]Because when you're avoidant, personal growth can become the most sophisticated wall you've ever built. You're not avoiding love because you're lazy or unaware. You're just avoiding love while being incredibly self-aware. Which just makes it so much harder to see. Because you look and sound like someone who has it all together. And the know your worth content fits perfectly into that story.

[00:09:16]It tells you that being alone is a sign of strength. Or that high standards are non-negotiable.

[00:09:23]And that waiting for the right person is the wise thing to do. And it is. It really is. Unless waiting has become the whole plan. Unless the standards have become so specific that no real human could ever meet them. And unless knowing your worth has quietly become making sure nobody gets close enough to test it. I mean, that's not self-love. That's self-protection wearing self-love's outfit. So, let me ask you something.

[00:09:50]How many men have you dismissed before the first date was even over or before you even started? And how many of those felt like clarity in the moment? I'd love to know if you recognize this because I think a lot of us have been calling it wisdom when we were actually just closing the door before anyone could walk in. So, at some point I just had to sit down and look at what my standards were actually doing. Not what they were supposed to do, what they were actually doing. And here's what I found.

[00:10:18]They weren't helping me find someone.

[00:10:20]They were making sure I didn't have to let anyone in because if the list is strict enough, nobody qualifies. And if nobody qualifies, nobody gets close enough to disappoint you, see you, or even worse, leave you. My standards weren't about quality. They were about control. And I don't think that's just me. I think this is something a lot of women with avoidant attachment do without even realizing it. We dismiss too fast not because we're cruel, but because letting someone linger for too long just feels dangerous. We confuse anxiety for chemistry. If he makes us nervous, we call it a spark. If he makes us calm, we call it boring. And we read consistency as pressure and availability as desperation. We find the flaw before the connection has a chance to even begin. And this is not because we want to be alone, but because being alone is predictable. And predictable simply feels safe. So, what can we actually do with this? I'll tell you what's been helping me is this one question. When I notice myself going no fast, I just stop and ask myself, is this a real deal-breaker or is this Susan doing her job? And sometimes the answer is yes.

[00:11:31]This is real. He was condescending. He was showing off. That's fair. But sometimes the answer is honestly, I don't actually know yet. I decided too fast. And in those moments, I try to give it one more conversation. One more chance for a real human to show up. Not lower the bar, just slow down before I slam the door right in his face. Because the truth is Susan will always find something. She's never not going to have an opinion. But like I mentioned in previous videos, I'm not going to let her make every decision for me, like she used to. So, I didn't lower my standards. I want to be clear about that. I just started pointing them at different things. Because I can have a man who looks perfect on paper, tall, successful, great photos. But if being with him feels like performing, like I can't be myself around him, I mean, none of that really matters, right? And I can have a man who opens with the wrong sentence on an app. He might wear shoes I wouldn't pick. And text in a way that doesn't immediately impress me. But if being around him feels calm, and I catch myself laughing, and like I just don't want to leave, maybe that's worth more than a checklist. I was listening once to a podcast and the host mentioned something interesting. He basically said, "Instead of looking at what someone has already achieved, look at how it feels to be with them. Not if they've already arrived, but if they're actually going in the same direction as you are. And if there's room to grow together." And that was such a great insight to me. Because I realized I'd been screening for outcomes, for finished products, for men who showed up fully assembled. And I was rejecting anyone who was still work in progress. Which is kind of ironic, because so am I. We are all constantly work in progress. We're never finished.

[00:13:19]But it's more important to see if someone is willing to do the work. So, these days I'm trying to choose differently. I'm really trying to choose kindness over instant chemistry or consistency over intensity and just seeing how it feels to be with someone over how it looks on the outside. And of course, I'm very aware that this will not change overnight. I'm pretty sure I will slip back into my old patterns every now and then, but I think this is a great first step. And if you're wondering what this actually looks like in practice, I'll tell you what I started doing. It's small, but it's actually changing things. So, when I'm on a date or on an app and I notice a familiar feeling, that cold flat I'm already done feeling, I don't just act on it right away anymore. I pause and I ask myself three things. First, am I reacting to something he actually did or to how close this might get? Because honestly, those feel almost identical in my body, but they're not the same thing. Second, if a friend told me this exact story, would I tell her to leave or would I tell her to give it one more try?

[00:14:24]Because I'm almost always more generous with other people's love life than with my own. And third, am I looking for a reason to go or am I looking for a reason to stay? Because Susan will always look for reasons to go. That's just her job and she's great at it.

[00:14:39]She's doing it very well. But I can choose to also look the other way. Not every time or with everyone, but enough to give a real person a real chance before my nervous system makes a decision for me. And if you want to go deeper into this, I actually put together a free guide with practical exercises for exactly this. It's called teaching your nervous system to feel safe. Things you can actually do in your body, not just in your head. I made it for myself as much as for you. I will link it in the description. Okay, so if you've been following this channel for a while, you know that I've been doing these small monthly challenges to kind of get myself out there more. And this month the challenge was to meet someone in a bar. It sounds simple, right? Until you're actually standing in a bar trying to make eye contact with a stranger instead of staring at your non-existing shoelaces. So, here's what happened. I was out one evening and I saw this guy.

[00:15:34]And instead of doing what I normally do, which is look away immediately and pretend I was checking the time, I actually held eye contact and I kept holding it. I smiled and he smiled back.

[00:15:45]We had a little moment there. And I'm pretty sure this was the longest eye contact I've ever had with a man in a bar, like ever in my entire life.

[00:15:54]It felt like a full minute, but it was probably more like 4 seconds. And then, nothing happened. He didn't come over, he just smiled and went back to his conversation and that was it. So then, another night, I went again to a different bar, more crowded, different vibe, and I actually ended up dancing with a guy, which honestly felt like a huge step for me. But to be honest, there was a little bit too much alcohol in the mix and I never really talked to him.

[00:16:21]So, the final score for this challenge is eye contact achieved, smiling achieved, actual conversation with an actual man, not so much. But I think it's still a good outcome. Because 6 months ago, I would not have held that eye contact. I would not have smiled and I would not have danced with a stranger in a bar. Honestly, I probably wouldn't have even stepped foot in a bar. So, no.

[00:16:44]I didn't get a date from flirting in a bar, but I did something that felt uncomfortable. So, that feels like a win to me. And that's kind of the whole point of these challenges. Next month, I'm trying something completely different. I'm going to put myself in a situation where I can actually talk to someone. Something like an activity, a sport, some kind of event, something where there's a reason to start a conversation that isn't just, "So, do you come here often?" I'll tell you all about how that goes. So, I started this video talking about a man I dismissed because of his shoes. And I meant it when I said I didn't even question it at the time because that's the thing about this pattern. It never feels like a pattern. It just feels like knowing what you want. And maybe you do know what you want. I'm not saying throw your standards out. I'm just saying look at what they're actually doing. Are they helping you find someone or are they making sure you never have to? And that question changed everything for me. Not because I found the answer right away, but because I finally stopped pretending it didn't need to be asked. Thanks for watching. Until next time.