Being Human: A Story of Recovery

Ajouté : 2026-06-06

[00:00:00]Welcome everybody to Being Human, our podcast on being human. Um, and I have with me today one of my fellow humans who I love dearly, Amy. Welcome, Amy.

[00:00:17]>> Thank you, Maria.

[00:00:18]>> And I brought Amy on because her journey is um so similar to mine in so many ways, but very different. and I think she's got a unique uh a unique perspective to offer.

[00:00:33]Uh so tell us just a little bit about yourself, Amy. Where do you live? What's going on in your life right now? I'll be happy to. Um I live in Swanson um on the Mrs. Sky River. It's right in the back of my house. I have a husband um that I've been married to for 35 years. I have a daughter who's 28, soon to be 29.

[00:00:59]Um I have I come from a family of seven.

[00:01:04]I'm the baby of seven children. And uh we were all very musical. Um our dad was a music director BFA. And um he uh yeah, so like I said, I come from a I'm the baby. I've always been known as the BB.

[00:01:24]Everybody calls me Amy Beth. So, um I yeah, love my family. So, Amy, your journey doesn't include just alcohol and drug addiction, right? There's actually other addictions or life um imperfections that you've had along the way.

[00:01:46]>> I've had a lot of >> Oh, sorry. Go ahead.

[00:01:50]I've had a lot of imperfections, believe it or not. Um I, yes, I, as a young kid, I, you know, really struggled in school.

[00:02:02]Um, I hated school other than, um, in second grade, I used to love to tackle boys and kiss them with a friend.

[00:02:13]And uh so I mean that's really why I went to school for the boys and and you know growing up my parents were both school teachers and they really really tried to get me help. Um they got me into the Stern Center in Burlington and I was tested for everything and everything. Um but as a kid I always felt awkward. I didn't feel like I was comfortable in my own skin.

[00:02:45]>> Um when I was 9 years old, um my mother and sister were actually going to Weight Watchers and they had me um join them at 9 years old.

[00:03:02]>> At 9 years old.

[00:03:04]>> Yes. You were going to Weight Watchers.

[00:03:07]Your mother brought you and your sister to Weight Watchers.

[00:03:10]>> Yes.

[00:03:10]>> And how old was your sister at the time?

[00:03:12]>> Um Terry probably about 16.

[00:03:18]Um and so she was never comfortable in her own skin. All she talked about was her weight. That's just and complain about this and complain about this.

[00:03:31]Um, but you know, growing up, like I said, I just felt awkward. I didn't feel right.

[00:03:40]So, I was the first kid to lose 50 lbs in Weight Watchers. I was actually in the Weight Watchers magazine, I believe.

[00:03:49]Um, and within a year I went back to eating and gained the weight plus back.

[00:04:00]Um, you know, my mom used to always complain about being in a bathing suit and how she looked and how she, you know, did this and everything. And, um, it just gave me the wrong idea on how, of course, girls are supposed to look.

[00:04:19]And um so I remember being in the bathtub and and being 15 years old and really struggling in high school and I remember saying to myself, I wonder how people are going to notice me.

[00:04:37]>> What can I do to torture myself so people will notice me?

[00:04:47]And I said, um, there was a girl in school who had just gotten anorexia and I said, "That's what I'll do. I will stop eating. I will stop um caring for myself."

[00:05:03]And uh within six months, I was pro probably lost about 50 pounds. Wow.

[00:05:13]um and really struggled. I always walked my head down in school. I always felt awkward.

[00:05:22]Um but the one thing that I did really like in school was music. I really excelled in music cuz my dad was a band director. Um I played trombone and I love being with the boys and uh yeah, I um really like that. And by my junior year, I had won a district um a district competition >> and on my trombone and I had gotten by after I did that, I had gotten to a point where I was so weak I couldn't even hold my trombone.

[00:06:06]So by my senior year um I went into the mental ward down in Burlington and um got some help but really to be honest in that mental war they really did not know what to do.

[00:06:25]>> Sure.

[00:06:26]>> Um I was kind of lost. I didn't know uh I was very as a kid I was very clenched to my mother. I felt like I couldn't do anything without my mom.

[00:06:47]>> Um I used to have terrible nightmares. I would sleep underneath my parents' bed in high school.

[00:06:55]Um and I would from even sucking my thumb till I was 13 to smoking cigarettes.

[00:07:05]>> Um, I had to have that security.

[00:07:10]Um, so anyway, after I got help in the hospital, I came home and I remember in the hospital actually that when I was starting to eat, stuff was actually coming up in my throat.

[00:07:35]And that's where I got the idea to be bleeding.

[00:07:40]um to show people that I can eat, show to to start that lie, right?

[00:07:45]>> Yes.

[00:07:47]Um that uh you know, I was eating, I was, you know, healthy, I was good. Um and then when I was 18, I got together with an old friend and we started to going we started going to bars.

[00:08:08]Um, I wasn't really into drinking then.

[00:08:12]I mean, I go to bars.

[00:08:14]I got my first boyfriend there.

[00:08:18]Um, but I really wasn't really hooked on alcohol.

[00:08:25]I wasn't really I wanted to be the good girl. I wanted to be prim proper. I wanted to be I wanted to show everybody that I was healthy but inside I was I was just dying really. So >> So you now at this point you have developed you said you had a learning disability.

[00:08:53]You have now had two different eating disorders.

[00:08:57]Smoking cigarettes and now we're adding drinking to although not at a a great level yet, but we're adding it to the the mixed bag. And did it feel manageable at this point still? It did feel manageable when I was young. Um, you know, I'd go out to bars, of course, I'd get drunk. Um um I uh made a fool of myself, but that's I felt like that kind of loosened me up so I could be a different person than who I was.

[00:09:38]>> Mhm.

[00:09:39]>> Cuz I did not like being inside myself.

[00:09:43]So the alcohol took me to another place to where I would actually be comfortable talking to somebody cuz they never as a kid felt comfortable talking to someone.

[00:10:00]>> Yeah. So >> I get that.

[00:10:01]>> Totally.

[00:10:01]>> Yep. Yep. And um at uh I met a guy um that I'm married to now at at 20 20 years old and we were together for three years. And um my mom had made the suggestion that we needed to get married because she wanted to leave my father who was an extreme abusive alcoholic.

[00:10:31]Um, and she just she did not want me to stay at home to live at home at 23 years old while they went through a divorce. So, she asked my husband if he would marry me um so she could do this.

[00:10:54]And um yeah, my dad even bought the ring. So, I was um I felt like I had to do this for my mother so she could get over her struggle. And that's a soft hard part of me is that not that I didn't want to get married to Kevin.

[00:11:19]>> Of course, >> it's it's that I mean we were kind of blindfold, you know, blindfolded going into it, >> right? Pushed into it a little bit.

[00:11:31]>> Yes. Oh, so now you've got you've got learning disability, abusive household, um you've got two different eating disorders, cigarettes, alcohol, and this marriage that you're although you love the man and you wanted to be married to him was a marriage of convenience. Not for you, but for your mother so that she could do what she needed to do.

[00:12:04]Absolutely. Okay. So, you Now, now where does that leave you?

[00:12:10]Um, well, I um so I had with the eating disorder, unfortunately, I was trying to get pregnant um at 29 years old.

[00:12:28]Um by that time I had endometriosis extremely bad to where I had to be um I lost one child and the first time and then the year after that we were pregnant for Diana but unfortunately not all the food that I kept in my belly was I couldn't 100% % give up the believing.

[00:13:00]>> So thank I'm so thankful that she she's my angel baby. I've always been a baby person. Always, always, always. And uh she was my pride and joy.

[00:13:16]>> When she came out, I just was like the happiest person on the face of the earth, you know? She gave me that purpose in life.

[00:13:26]that I was always searching for.

[00:13:30]>> Sure.

[00:13:31]So, now you've got Deanna, you've got a marriage, you've got you're still um you still have the eating disorders.

[00:13:44]>> I don't have the eating disorders anymore.

[00:13:47]>> No, no. I mean when you after you had Deanna, tell us a little bit about what happened through to bring you from the eating disorders to alcoholism to >> um recovery like what was that turning point? Did things have to get really bad for you? Not that they weren't already.

[00:14:08]Clearly they were. But >> and at what age? So, my daughter was um she was very sweet. Oh, she was adorable, but she also had ADHD. She was a little hyper.

[00:14:24]>> And um I my husband would go snowmoilings on the weekends every weekend in Canada seemed like in the winter. And it felt like I just didn't have a break for myself.

[00:14:41]And um so I started drinking and I liked feeling that it took me out of it relaxed me.

[00:14:51]>> And so I would do it once I put Deanna down I would start drinking and then it became earlier in the day and then earlier in the day. Um and by the time I was See, she was, I believe, 5 years old.

[00:15:21]Um, I would drink past like 5:00 in the afternoon. So once everything was done and had to be done, >> I would start drinking at 5:00 >> and I would reminisce with the neighbors and I would, you know, have a lot of fun um with Deanna and she'd have her friends over and we'd dance and whatnot.

[00:15:45]And by the time she went to believe it was second grade when I was sitting at home isolating myself with bulimia and I was actually making that my hobby.

[00:16:06]Um I would I love to cook. I've always loved to cook and things tasted so good I just couldn't stop. But on top of that, I included the alcohol um to make me feel, I guess, more comfortable in talking, more comfortable in associating with people. Um I felt like I was a different person.

[00:16:37]>> Yeah.

[00:16:38]you know.

[00:16:39]>> Um and then at the age of oh jeez it was 2011. So um I was drinking from the time I got up in the morning for for about two years. I was drinking from the time in the morning to the time I went to bed at night.

[00:17:06]Um, things were very negative at home.

[00:17:09]We had a lot of stuff going on and that gave me more of a reason to drink. I mean, we would have we couldn't pay our bills. Um, and we I sat in that in that guilt and in that shame and in that that dirty pot, you know, and I just could not get myself out of it.

[00:17:36]>> Um, at this point now, do things still feel manageable? Did they still feel manageable?

[00:17:49]Um, no it didn't. Um, I So when I went decided to go and get help for the alcohol, unfortunately it was on my daughter's 13th birthday. I had bought a beautiful bike for her and I had made a beautiful dinner for camp. We all went to camp and here I am um stumbling out of the car throwing up and my family had um come around me especially when my sister did some research as far as where I could go to get some help.

[00:18:31]>> Um and I went to the watershed um it was recommended by Dr. Phil the Dr. Bill show >> somebody there.

[00:18:41]>> Yeah. And um I mean it was it was tough.

[00:18:45]I remember being in that that bottom of that gut shell. And I knew that I had to do it for my daughter. I knew that I had to do it for myself. I knew that um I had to get better. So what were the things that told you I have to do something different now? I this is like things are not good. What were some things that really kind of screamed and you might not know that answer.

[00:19:23]>> Well my job so my sister we had we have a camp at Lake Carmine. My sister owns it now. Uh, but it was my parents' camp and I remember going there and wanting to give up drinking so bad. I was going to the Howard Center in St. Albins trying to get some help and I just could not get on track. And my sister then had um I had mentioned it to my mom of course um and I had my sister Cindy and she had done the research as far as this place and kept telling me every time she knew that I was really struggling, there is a place for you. There is help out there.

[00:20:12]Um and I didn't really want to it because I didn't I didn't want to admit it because I did not want to admit that I was an alcoholic because of my father >> because we all looked down on my dad. I didn't want to be that person that people looked down to >> cuz that meant you were bad. If you are an alcoholic, you must be a bad.

[00:20:41]>> Yep. Yep. Um, and you would have to let go when we admit that there's something wrong. We have to make changes and that means letting go of these things that made us comfortable. And there's a lot of fe for me there was a lot of fear about what does that look like if I let go of this stuff that that helped me through life.

[00:21:09]>> Yeah. Exactly.

[00:21:10]>> Well, the watershed was beautiful. Um, but it was very, very hard. And when I came back, um, I have I'm a little bit stubborn, so it makes me so, um, it really wanted it. I wanted to get better for my daughter. I wanted to be able to go to her basketball games and different games. And that kind of motivated me when I got back from the watershed. I was there for three months.

[00:21:41]Um, they really did help with the eating disorder.

[00:21:45]>> That was my next.

[00:21:47]>> Um, and I mean they would make little hints, but it wasn't like in a group setting.

[00:21:56]>> Um, and I felt like the only thing I could focus on was the alcohol because at that point I knew that was wrong. I knew that was bad. I knew I you know driving drunk is not a great idea. Um and I didn't want I didn't want that anymore. I just felt ashamed of who I was.

[00:22:22]Um, so when I get back I they recommended there that I go to and I had to tell them that I went to two meetings through for 365 days and I took that seriously. I took that.

[00:22:41]>> And when you say meetings, you're talking about aa Okay.

[00:22:46]Um, I had tried to sponsor her. Um, but there were things that she was doing that really perturbed me. One was abusing kittens.

[00:23:00]Um, and I knew that I I just couldn't do it and that I would do it on my own. Um, I read the book, I broke down the stuff, I did everything on my own. But he did go to meetings twice a day for 365 days.

[00:23:17]>> That's impressive.

[00:23:18]>> It is impressive. And unfortunately, the thing that made me stop was when I got my one-year chip, my father decided to come in and he made it. The entire conversation was about him. Pity pity party. And I knew that I could not follow along. I couldn't keep going because I couldn't sit in that filth listening to him. Poor me.

[00:23:50]Um, you know, he was good at pointing out as a kid that um he would announce that especially in Zachary's Pizza and St. Alphins, he would come out and say, "Here's, you know, my my son, you know, he he he got into the Marine van. you know, it's very very hard to get into. I was very proud of my brother, don't get me wrong, >> of course.

[00:24:25]>> Um, and but he would announce it in Zachar's and he would then would put his hand on my back and say, "This is my daughter who's struggling with eating disorder and she's got dyslexic. She can't understand anything." Um, wow. and police and everything would be in there.

[00:24:50]So, I mean that just >> thanks >> gave me the idea that um >> there was something wrong with me.

[00:24:59]>> Well, yeah, he clearly he didn't even imply it. He announced to the world, "This is my broken daughter."

[00:25:07]I'm sure it felt that way.

[00:25:09]>> And my go and my mother too. My mother showed me that not to be comfortable in your own skin, you know, and that you're supposed to be a perfect size and that you're supposed to look a certain way in a bathing suit. I mean, it was awful.

[00:25:27]So, what happened then? So, you stopped going to meetings. Did you maintain your sobriety? And where are you at with the eating disorder at this point? Okay. My Well, for sobriety, um, it's been 15 years >> since I had a drink.

[00:25:47]>> Wow.

[00:25:48]>> And, uh, I'm pretty proud of that. I, you know, >> as you should be, >> you know, it God gave me this gift that, um, I mean, I even look at alcohol and just go, "H, you know, like, >> no, not a chance. It's it's it's you know and I was taught in sobriety that um it's the devil working in you. It's the devil that's telling you he wants you to fail. And I was that saying kept me sober and kept that devil away. But as far as the eating disorder, so um I continue doing it. Um, and it's been 5 years. February 5th.

[00:26:41]>> Wow.

[00:26:42]>> Yep.

[00:26:42]>> Wow.

[00:26:43]>> And, um, something. So, my body was shutting down. I was developing some heart issues.

[00:26:52]I was developing um, urinary incontinence.

[00:26:57]Um, I couldn't hold my bowels. I was slowly fading away.

[00:27:05]And I remember making a meal, my last meal, and looking at it, and I heard this voice in my head saying, "Amy, what are you doing? Don't you think you've struggled long enough?"

[00:27:25]And ever since then, I heard that message in my voice. And I saw shortly after that, I saw a program on TV about how eating disorder clinics are using marijuana to feel more comfortable with food.

[00:27:48]>> Yeah.

[00:27:50]Um, so I started using marijuana and you know, I'm not going to glorify marijuana. Marijuana is not good. Um, but it made me feel more comfortable with eating and with uh myself.

[00:28:13]>> It felt like I could be calm. It felt like I could, you know, um, be more comfortable around food. I just felt like this message came from somewhere, right?

[00:28:30]And I truly think that after suffering for 42 years with an eating disorder, I truly believe that God gave me the gift to speak up and tell my story to help other young girls that are dealing with this because it's awful. It's awful. I am so sorry that you had to go through all of that and that there just was not help.

[00:29:00]I want to input a little piece here because I saw you struggling a little bit talking about the marijuana piece and I think it's important that people understand that marijuana is a tool and it is a drug as is uh ompic and uh uh per Eat and insulin and >> and laorazzipam.

[00:29:33]>> Laorazzipam. Right. We have a lot of drugs that are prescribed for a reason.

[00:29:39]And I it seems like you mentioned that your therapist had had talked about you using marijuana for this eating disorder, right?

[00:29:49]>> Yes.

[00:29:49]>> And so and and I'm not a doctor and I am not telling anybody what direction to go.

[00:29:56]I'm not either. But I think it's important to understand that it was a tool. It was a tool that you were able to use to get past this other thing that was killing you. Physically killing you.

[00:30:13]>> Yes. And so you started eating again and you are now not drinking, not using drugs, not um partaking in your eating disorder, right? So what you talked about God a little bit. So what happened where was that what happened in that shifting time for you to get you to this point? Um, so I've I've been to um the mental ward uh about three times now. Um and um you know I was really struggling.

[00:30:53]I was really isolating myself.

[00:30:56]>> I was um I didn't want to go out. I didn't want to partake in anything.

[00:31:04]Um I felt alone in the world.

[00:31:08]I felt like no one loved me, no one reached out to me, even family I didn't hear from for for for a while. Um, and you know, I was getting negative feedback at home from my husband, um, which did not help. and I made the cho Oh, so back the last time I went to the mental hospital, they had told me about coming back to AA.

[00:31:42]>> Okay.

[00:31:42]>> And um so I've been back in AA for about two and a half years.

[00:31:49]>> Yeah.

[00:31:50]>> And I go to meetings daily. I I I have to hear the step message in my head to know that if there is anything bothering me or if there's anything that I'm keeping back to get that out because the more that you let it live inside yourself and let it live in your mind, >> it's um it's awful.

[00:32:22]And you know, I I didn't have any friends. I wasn't allowed to have friends. Um I wasn't allowed to work. Um and so I was in a extreme big pity party. I mean, my self-esteem was just awful. Um I was considering suicide.

[00:32:51]Um I was considering you know uh lot of different avenues to do it. Um and the more that I sat and listened in the AA meetings especially your mom and dad >> Yes. Uh your dad really helped me to know that what I was doing was right. that knowing that um you know people are just a phone call away.

[00:33:26]>> Yeah.

[00:33:27]>> And that my friendships now I have so many I can't even count.

[00:33:34]>> Yay.

[00:33:35]>> Um and you know I feel good about myself. I feel like >> okay God prayed for you for this for a long time. I prayed to you to get these different things in my life and they're coming to true. Wow. And it's gives me chills. I mean, it really does because the more I get on my knees and to ask God for his grace and his guidance, I feel like he is showing me the way.

[00:34:12]That is beautiful.

[00:34:15]I love it so much. I'm so glad that you have gone through this whole journey and I'm wondering where God plays in your life now is are you I know it sounds like the voice that you heard you are fairly certain was your higher power was God and it sounds like you do some praying and what's what's going on with you and God? I have felt God's hands hug me when I was in the hospital and I wanted to commit suicide.

[00:34:52]Um, I had a priest that came, not a minister that came in >> and he talked to me for hours and he said, "The arms of the God is surrounding you right now, loving you."

[00:35:07]And I felt these arms on the back of my on the back of my back, just giving me the greatest, biggest hug. And I've never had an experience like that before. That was kind of an aha moment.

[00:35:23]Um, and I just feel like I'm I'm doing the right thing. I'm staying on track. I'm doing the steps that they they asked me to do in every part of my life. And the thing that's helped me the most is the acceptance prayer and accepting yourself for who you are.

[00:35:49]Though I was always awkward as a kid, I feel like it's okay. God's got me and God made me for exactly who I am as a person.

[00:36:03]>> And I I feel him. I go to bed praying to God.

[00:36:10]I find that that's my meditation before bed and it helps me sleep. uh without sleeping medicine, it helps. Um and I'm on this journey that's just like an aha moment, you know? I feel like I'm going on women's retreats.

[00:36:33]I'm I'm going to concerts with friends.

[00:36:38]I mean, it's stuff that I never ever dreamed of before. So I feel like God is doing for me what I cannot do for myself.

[00:36:50]>> That's so awesome. Now, if you had one thing to say, one piece of hope, a message, a step to take, anything, if you had one thing that you could tell to our viewers, people struggling with any of the things you've struggled with, what would you say? Well, you know, um the thing that's really helped me is to all these things in my head to give it to God because if I don't do that, they'll reminisce in my head.

[00:37:29]>> Yeah. And I find that if I'm having an issue that I can go to him and ask for guidance.

[00:37:40]And I feel like, you know, making my amends was wasn't that bad. I mean, it was it was bad, but I think they already kind of knew.

[00:37:53]>> Sure. Um >> and that um you know to always do the 10th step before you go to bed, you know. Um, take your take your list for the day, you know, make your um go through um like things that you're grateful for.

[00:38:17]Make a grateful list. And then things that you need to work on through your day. Is there anything that you find something in your day that didn't quite go as right as you planned and what's your part in it?

[00:38:31]>> Um, that's really helped me. So, your hands. Um, so I am so happy. I'm so happy that I've been able to watch you through this journey. I have been able to watch Amy go from being that very shy, very reserved, very quiet person to this like glowing wonderful like I want to share my story with the world human. I do. I want to share my story so I can help other young girls. My journey is to and God keeps telling me that I really want to help other young children that are dealing with um these same issues. So, >> well, I'm gonna find um some maybe you can help me find some um some links we can put on our um website um so that people can just click a link and get some help. So, if you go to www.reovering recovering throughfaith.com.

[00:39:39]You'll be able to access meeting lists and um eating disorder support among videos and articles and many other fun things. So, um I invite you to head over there and check things out. And um and thank you thank you for being with us.

[00:40:01]Um and thanks for thanks for being human with us. Okay, we'll see you next time.

[00:40:05]>> Thank you.

[00:40:06]>> Bye.

[00:40:07]>> Thank you.

[00:40:08]>> Love you.