Men Expect Women to Suffer to Prove They’re “Good” Women

Added: 2026-05-12

[00:00:00]People talk about the ups and downs they went through during their relationship.

[00:00:03]It shouldn't actually be your partner that put you through those ups and downs.

[00:00:07]>> I should be divorced three times by the same woman for the things I've done and the positions I put us in. Right. Um but she has fight in her like I've never seen in any woman in my life. She had fight that I ain't never seen in mama.

[00:00:20]She has fight in her that I've never saw in her mama. So it's like she just refused to let go. She saw more and she covered me. She wasn't on social media trying to badmouth me, making me look bad.

[00:00:32]>> I hope that no woman ever has to sit there and listen to their man talk about all the things that he's put her through. And then he throws out the idea that even my mama wouldn't put up with this. Even her mama wouldn't put up with this, but she did. This to me screams backhanded compliment. I've said it before, but I have to say it again. This is why I don't believe in giving men three and four second chances, because I bet you if she even did a tenth of what he did to her, he'd be gone. But she's supposed to be this amazing woman because of all that she endured. A relationship shouldn't be about how much a woman should endure. I feel like all too often women are competing for the gold in the pain Olympics. These men aren't worth your dignity. They're not worth your self-respect to let them sit up there and just discuss you. And then he talks about how she didn't go on social media to bash me. Oh, so she kept the shame a secret. They want you to suffer in silence. And that's a sign of a good woman to them. Can they dog you out and you be quiet about it? If your answer is yes, there are many of them ready to wife you up.

[00:01:31]>> As a woman, this is the worst thing that a man can say about you. Doesn't matter what I do to her, she won't leave.

[00:01:41]He knows that he's doing wrong. But because he also knows that you won't leave, he's not going to do right by you. And the fact that he's online talking very boldly that I should have been divorced three times. Like, she should have left me like at least three times for what I've done. And I'm also happy that she didn't tell anybody. I hope this kind of love never finds me because now he's boasting that, you know, she's a good woman for enduring and doing all of these things when to me, what I heard was I didn't want her. I wanted her to leave me, but she just wouldn't take the hit.

[00:02:26]When when when men start acting out, take take them up on it. If you cheat on me, that means you don't want me. I'm going to leave. You're constantly lying to me. That means you don't want me. I'm going to leave. You're invalidating my feelings. Emotional abuse, financial abuse, physical abuse, that means you don't want me, and I'm going to leave.

[00:02:45]It's not an invitation to perform more or to perform better for him, for him to say that you're a good woman. Do you want your measure of a good woman to be how much you tolerate?

[00:03:01]No. If a man requires you to have to suffer and endure in order to be with you, he hates you. He is not a protector. He is a predator. and he is praying on your desperation to want to be in his life or to want to have a man so bad that you're willing to go through whatever it takes just to say you have a man. If you are making a choice every day to suffer to be with a man, you are making a choice to send yourself to an early grave or to be sick and riddled with disease behind this man. What man is worth you taking years off of your life for having health issues for all to be with him? That man hates you and you hate you because there is no way a man that cares about you would have you suffering and enduring to be with him.

[00:04:06]Also, do not let a man judge your worthiness of being his woman by how much foolishness you're willing to endure with him. Because a lot of men rank how much a woman is a ride or die or wife material based on how much she is willing to give to him, how much of herself she's willing to put on the back burner to center him and to put him on the pedestal. Do not let a man do that to you. You do not need depression, anxiety, a chronic illness, or an autoimmune disease in order to realize that this man is not good for you. I am convinced that the toxicity of men causes disease in women.

[00:04:57]After reading through several of your responses to my post that men slowly kill you, I know this is true.

[00:05:07]Being in the same environment as a toxic partner, husband, fiance, spouse, significant other will literally kill you.

[00:05:18]Am I talking about STDs from them being promiscuous? No, I'm talking about autoimmune deficiency diseases, heart attacks, strokes, multiple sclerosis, lupus.

[00:05:31]Go back and take a look at the comments that the women have shared with me. And these women suffered from IBS, hair loss, um chronic disease, strokes, heart attacks, high blood pressure. And when a man is toxic, the first place that you will see it show up is in your beauty, your facial features. This lady went so far as to say that her skin was actually sagging.

[00:06:08]Go back and look at these divorce effects. When I tell you that a toxic man will suck your vitality, it's not a game.

[00:06:20]Ladies, I am going to start doing a series on this and I'm going to read some of the comments because what do you mean you had a heart attack? What do you mean you had a stroke? What do you mean you were wheelchair bound and as soon as that man left your life, you were able to walk again? Your health immediately improved. There is a spiritual aspect to toxicity in men and how it affects women. And I'm going to get to the bottom of it. Ladies, if you are in a toxic environment with a man, partner, spouse, husband, get out now and save your life.

[00:06:52]>> Someone in the comments said, "My father outlived my mother by 15 years. She was unhappily married to him, but he was happily married to her." Someone else said, "I got ugly and high blood pressure." Someone else said, "They steal your beauty, your peace, and your light."

[00:07:10]Someone else said, "Before I left, I was literally being told I may need chemolike treatment for this bizarre autoimmune disease. I left and moved to the other side of the planet. Went to a doctor, got a biopsy, etc. And 6 months later, it was all gone. Thank God. Leave these men and save your lives." Someone else said, "My mother was so joyful after my dad passed." That says a lot.

[00:07:37]All the complaints stopped. her anxiety ended. She became a giggle goose. First had witnessed to an extraordinary transformation. If you're needing to be self-sacrificial so much to the point where you are killing yourself, please do yourself a favor.

[00:08:01]Please do yourself a favor and save your life. I have this idea that I'm obsessed with, but I struggle to articulate so much. So, I hope that like I can just put it out there and somebody can help me articulate it in the way I'm trying to.

[00:08:17]Women are not expected to achieve love, beauty, and motherhood. Women are expected to suffer at the altar of this of these things. So, when women achieve these things and don't suffer at the altar of that them, they are like severely punished in society. People think that society wants women to be beautiful, but what society wants is for women to constantly suffer at the altar of beauty. What I mean by that is for women to constantly be willing to hurt themselves, either by always comparing themselves to other people, always overanalyzing their bodies, willing to put their bodies in physical harm, whether it's through the way they're eating, taking supplements, doing surgeries. These women are expected to do all of these things and to constantly be in a cycle of trying to be more beautiful. The idea that a woman can get to a level of beauty and be like, you know what, I'm okay. I think I've achieved beauty. I'm fine with that now.

[00:09:11]Is absolutely crazy. And the reason I know this is because when beautiful women know that they're beautiful and say as much, they are torn apart.

[00:09:23]Everybody can say that. Like remember Margot Robbie? Like Margot Robbie is like objectively beautiful according to society standards. But when it was clear that she knew that she was beautiful all of a sudden people were like she's ugly.

[00:09:35]She's ugly. I never thought she was beautiful. And it's like yes you did.

[00:09:38]But the fact that it seems to you that she knows that she's achieved that and will no longer suffer at the altar of that makes you want to demean her so that she can go back to suffering. And the same is true for women who are not beautiful by society standards. when they're like, you know what, I'm not beautiful by society standards and I'm okay with that. Women who are even like I'm ugly and I'm okay with that. I don't really that's not really where I want to put my value or also torn apart. So that for me makes me conclude that the aim is not to be beautiful. The aim is to constantly be suffering in order to be beautiful.

[00:10:15]When you opt out of that, you will be punished but you will be free. The same goes for love because women there's so much messaging that we should be constantly trying to look for love, trying to find love, trying to find marriage, trying to to settle down. But the moment it seems that women have found love and are very happy and free in those relationships, they are isolated and criticized. They're constantly being told and you can see people like frothing up at their mouth for them to suffer. I did not witness this, but somebody talked about how when um back back in the day like when Jackie when it was like first known that Jackie Aa had a partner, there were like Facebook groups where people were like frothing at the mouth waiting for this man to betray her. And again, she's achieved love, which is what it seems society wants us to achieve. But the fact that she was not suffering in love just irritated people so much. And on an individual level, you may not know why it irritates you, but it's because the expectation of patriarchy is not that you should achieve love. It's that you should constantly be suffering for love. So when you do achieve love and and you are happy and at peace with that and your relationship is loving and calm and peaceful and fulfills you and enriches you, you will be isolated so that you can suffer because if you're not going to suffer in love, you will be made to suffer in another way. Likewise, if you decide that you will not suffer for love and you don't care to achieve love because you don't want to do the suffering it takes to get there, you will be criticized, isolated, etc., etc. That goal is to suffer at the altar of love, not to achieve. And I think there's no place where this phenomenon is clearer than motherhood. Motherhood is one of those things that women are expected to want and work for, but when they get it and they are happy and at peace in motherhood, they are constantly ostracized and criticized. My favorite example is this creator named Sean um Shani, I don't know if I'm pronouncing that right, that I follow.

[00:12:17]And she and in her case, I think she's like a great case study of this theory that I have because she has all these things. She is beautiful and she knows she's beautiful. She has a loving partner and she's a very very happy mother. And on the outside it seems like she achieved all these things the society want women to achieve at a young age, right? Like she got the love, she got the beauty, she got the the family.

[00:12:45]And you would think that patriarchy would la her as a model of womanhood.

[00:12:50]But the problem with her is that she is happy. And as such, I am constantly amazed by the types of comments she receives because people are trying to impose this suffering on her because they don't think that she's suffering enough at the altar of these things. She's constantly being told that she's lazy because she has help or because her husband um is an equal partner. And there was even a time when people were like begging her and harassing her to show herself suffering.

[00:13:22]There was a time where people were like, "Why do you always show the positive side? Show yourself struggling." And she was like, "No." And they were like, "I'm I'm sure." And people started giving her examples of ways in which they're sure she suffers as suggestions of what she should come and display on the internet of her suffering. It was so bizarre.

[00:13:40]Like somebody was like, "I'm sure like sometimes when like all the kids are sick, um it's like a bad day for you or like when you and your husband have a disagreement." And she was like, "Do y'all want me to come and turn a camera on and put it on my sick kids or like do you want me to be like having a discussion with my husband or disagreement with my husband and be like, "Wait, babe, let me turn the camera on. Do you want me to start filming my children throwing tantrums?"

[00:14:04]And the answer is yes. Yes. Yes. They want her to do that because people want to watch women suffer at the altar of beauty, love, and motherhood, right?

[00:14:15]People don't want women to achieve these things in a beautiful way that makes them happy. People want to watch women suffer at these things because these things are first and foremost meant to be punishments for women for just being women. And if women can achieve these things and be happy in them and achieve them on their own terms, it is a very real threat to patriarchy. And because the way oppression works is that we all contribute to keeping each other in line is that when women achieve these things and are not suffering in them, it is other women who are the first in line to try to put them in line and to try to impose that suffering on them. Thank you for coming to my TED talk. I could I could somebody found a PhD cuz I could this is like my bread and butter. I'm so obsessed with this. I've been ask my friends. I go on rants about this. I have like an annual two three hour rant about this and the only reason it's annual is because I don't want to do it every day. All right. Bye. Good night.

[00:15:14]Someone in the comments said beauty is pain. I reject that statement. I reject that statement too.

[00:15:21]There is nothing that I'm going to do that's going to be painful that I'm going to feel the need to endure just because it's going to make me pretty. If back in the day when I used to do braids, if I did braids and I couldn't sleep that night, it's out cuz I'm not going to tolerate that. Someone else said, "This is probably why women who choose to be child-free are always persecuted because how dare you opt out from the possible hardships that comes with motherhood."

[00:15:50]And that's correct.

[00:15:53]They expect motherhood, but they don't care what the the journey or the experience of motherhood actually feels like for women. If they truly did, there would be a lot more things in place for the comfort of women and than the children. They don't care about you loving your children and having an actual happy family. No, all the people who cry about the birth rate, they're doing so for selfish reasons. Someone else said, "Men's goodness are measured through their accomplishments and women's goodness are measured through the amount of suffering we can endure." I find beauty standards to be bizarre because beauty standards are enforced by men and women. Right now, thin is in. The BBL era is over.

[00:16:44]Unless it's a natural BBL, the ones that you can't really tell that it's a BBL, but skinny is in right now. color bones are in right now. There was a time when you you know if you're thick, if you're thick, you were the standard.

[00:17:03]I don't think I want validation to my validation to be determined by what society currently finds beautiful in the moment.

[00:17:15]Whatever I do to myself, however I present myself should be and in my case will always be how I feel about myself. I've already gone through the periods of wanting to fit in. I've already gone through that. Who I am today, I truly wish this is this is who I was when I was late teens, early 20s. But I needed to go through all of that to truly realize and to truly value me.

[00:17:46]I'm not going to suffer to look a certain way to appease the male gays especially. Oh, oh, absolutely not. That one I'm definitely not doing.

[00:17:59]society and especially men I think expects women to suffer in relationships because that's how they judge how good a woman is. How much are you willing to take?

[00:18:14]Society expects women to suffer in motherhood. And that's why when a woman ends the relationship and she gives custody to the man, she's automatically seen as a bad mom just by that act alone. How could you not want your kids?

[00:18:30]How could you give your kids away?

[00:18:32]How could the man not want his kids? How could the man give his kids away? They they never you never hear that a woman who is a stay-at-home mom is expected to carry all the burdens of the household on her back and she should do so with a smile and she should be pretty when he comes home and there's a hot meal ready when he comes home. But let her ever express feeling overwhelmed and she's being ungrateful because how could you be ungrateful? How could you not be happy that I'm paying all the bills and I give you a place to live?

[00:19:08]They call stay at home moms lazy all the time because how dare you want rest? How dare you not want to have a hundred things on your mind juggling all day every day? How how dare you not want to?

[00:19:23]It's a labor of love. That's what it's a labor of love. How could you not want to do that for your family?

[00:19:29]Why? because they don't see us as people. They see us as subhumans who are who only exist for their pleasure and satisfaction.

[00:19:42]>> I just saw a video on here of a girl saying that in her experience in order to date men, she's had to sacrifice her self-expression and so she doesn't date anymore. And I want to take that a step further because in my experience, in order to date men, I've had to sacrifice my self-respect. And I know I'm generalizing, but I've seen a lot of situations in which that's the case for a lot of women. And this is why I love the conversation about desentering men.

[00:20:04]Not just because it is a nod to the women that came before us that fought so that our livelihoods did not depend on men so we did not have to center them, but also just in terms of the dynamics of a partnership with a man in a heterosexual relationship requires that you abandon yourself in some way as a woman. But the irony is that men don't respect that. They don't respect that you're also abandoning yourself to be with them. And it's a really tricky situation to be in as a woman. Um especially if you're a woman who wants to be their own person, wants to have their own life, reconciling with the fact that you have to sacrifice a bit of that when a lot of times men don't have to. And unless you are with a man that is radically aware and actively aware, you're going to struggle in partnership with a man. I mean, even hearing about Michelle Obama hating Barack for 10 years because he could just do whatever he wants and pursue his own life, even the Obamas, there's no hope for us. And this is why I think I keep seeing conversation about how women are saying, "Well, men don't respect women. They only respect men. They only respect each other." I think that that's part of it is because to be in partnership with a man, to be in a man's world, you need to relinquish something about yourself as a woman. It's not that there's this inherent lack of respect that should be allotted to women. It's just the inherent dynamic. And unless you are very aware as a man, you you don't see that this is what the dynamic requires.

[00:21:35]And it's kind of partially your fault that the woman is losing her self respect to be with you. And so it ends up being like, "Oh, I respect my bros better. They stand on business. They are blah blah blah. They do this, blah, blah, blah." But it's like you're not recognizing the role that you play in creating this dynamic. And so I think that's why I'm also seeing a lot of conversations about women saying, "Well, men only respect men." I don't think that's inherent. I think that's because of the dynamic. And I don't know what the right way is. Um, I'm clearly not a relationship myself, but I do think that the biggest step is a man being radically aware and radically mindful and understanding that a relationship is a partnership that requires equal compromise. And also recognizing the fact that if you're in partnership with a woman and you want to have a child, for example, there has to be other ways where you take on the slack and you take on other things so that that can be really possible and that can really happen because at the end of the day, men don't go into a relationship with women knowing that they're risking their lives to bring life for them. And until we can really have a genuine conversation about the fact that women have to go through child birth and women have a different responsibility in the relationship, then we can probably talk about okay, how does this dynamic fulfill both people, not just one over the other. I think this is why conversations about decentering men, centering yourself, not losing yourself in a relationship, uh, learning about weaponizing competence, learning about different ways that men can manipulate you in relationships, learning about warning signs, learning things that are red flags. I think this is why that's so important because if you have to give up pieces of yourself, especially pieces of yourself that you love and want to keep just so that you can enter a relationship in in no scenario is that ever worth it.

[00:23:34]And we see this entitlement to a woman suffering a lot, especially when men talk about women having kids. Men like to talk about how many kids they want to have. Oh, I want to have four kids. I want to have five kids.

[00:23:48]Do you understand the reality of pregnancy? Do you understand that this is a life and death position for a woman to be in? And they talk very casually about how how how did they Yeah, I I could have another.

[00:24:04]What has the woman been through to bring the one that you already have? Is he there for her when she's going through morning sickness? When she's on bed rest, is he taking over all the responsibilities of the house so that she can actually rest? Or does she need to to pick herself up and do everything because he needs clean underwear? I think if a man wants kids, it should be mandatory that he sees sees with his eyes, his own eyes, how the baby is born.

[00:24:36]I think it should be mandatory for him to be at all the appointments. I think it should be mandatory that he sees how the baby comes out. Whether it's a vaginal birth or whether it's a C-section, he needs to see that doctor slitting that woman's uterus open to take the baby out because they speak too casually about it.

[00:24:58]And then the self-sacrifice of motherhood, the self-sacrifice that motherhood requires, they speak very casually about it. They just talk about it like, "Oh, yeah. It's just it's just this thing that women do that women are good at. It's an expectation, a labor of love."

[00:25:15]Yeah, but what do you sacrifice? And that's why the whole conversation the other day came up about who sacrifices more in a relationship, a man or a woman. There's so many different takes on that. I'll talk about it more in depth in another video. But there are men who truly believe that their job, having a job, is the ultimate sacrifice for a man. And that is above every sacrifice or any sacrifice that a woman could make. And I think that's true because they don't see those things as sacrifices. A woman who is a stay-at-home mom, a woman who has to take an extended period off to have a baby and raise a baby is a sacrifice. A woman who gives up her career is a sacrifice. We live under capitalism. It is a sacrifice. A woman putting her life at risk to birth life is a sacrifice.

[00:26:15]And I think that's more of a sacrifice than simply having a job. What are we talking about?

[00:26:21]But anyway, I'll talk about that in another video.

[00:26:27]The caption says, "Isn't it funny how men are told their whole lives how to treat women right, but women aren't taught how to treat their men right?"

[00:26:42]What's that thing my family used to say when I was growing up? I think it was something like, "Always have a warm meal on the table when your husband gets home from work. You better give him what he wants cuz if he's not getting it at home, then he'll just get it from someone else. Don't nag. Don't let the children get too loud. And always respect the man of the house. Listen, boys are given trucks and soccer balls, but girls are given baby dolls and toy kitchens. And boys are given soccer balls so that they can dream of becoming professional athletes, but girls are given baby dolls so they can practice being a man's wife and being the mother to a man's child. We're told to play pretend wedding and we watch movie after movie about being rescued by the prince because we're literally conditioned from birth to believe that our happiness is dependent on being desirable enough for a man to pick us. Don't be cold. Don't be clingy. Let him know you have a job, but don't talk about it too much because he may feel intimidated. You're reading articles titled five ways to make him like you and 10 ways to know if he's serious about you. Your mother keeps asking why you're not dating more. Your grandmother keeps asking you why you're not pregnant. and your aunt keeps telling you that you never should have broken up with that guy Todd, even if he did have a weird obsession with his sister. We're taught by men how to treat men and we're taught by women how to treat men. And we're not only taught how to treat you, we're also told how to protect ourselves from you. We're told not to wear clothes that are too revealing. We're told not to wear headphones when we run. We should never walk alone at night. We should always meet for the first time in a public place. And we should always cover our drink when we're in a bar. Don't be aggressive because you may cause them to become agitated. But don't smile too much because you may give them the wrong impression. And you have the audacity to talk about how women aren't taught how to treat men. How? It's all about men from cradle to grave. It's all about being agreeable, attractive, and small.

[00:28:11]We're told boys will be boys, and girls mature faster than boys when we're younger. And then we're told to pick our battles. No marriage is perfect, and never emasculate a man when we're older.

[00:28:19]Somehow we're supposed to cook, clean, parent, work, smell good, always be in the mood, look good, but not good enough to make him jealous, and remember his mother's birthday. So, we're not just taught how to treat men. We're taught how to exist solely for their use. Then you want to say that men were taught how to treat women right their entire lives because that's literally impossible because if men were taught how to treat women right then women wouldn't have to adapt to men's emotions in order to avoid dangerous situations with them.

[00:28:43]And I assume he's talking about something like how men are taught to open doors for women. But do you know how many men open doors for women in public but beat their wives in private?

[00:28:51]Because learning how to be perceived by society as a gentleman is in no way the same as learning how to treat a woman right. And what exactly were you taught about treating women right? Because maybe you were taught how to treat us like objects and property, but I don't see a whole lot of evidence about how you were taught to treat us properly.

[00:29:05]You don't even know how to accept the word no when a woman rejects your advances. So, I don't know how you could make this statement with a straight face. So, women aren't just taught how to please men, they're expected to. And if you honestly don't know that, then it's either because you refuse to see it or it's because a woman's never trusted you enough to tell you her truth. And even going back to how children are socialized, you notice that pink is for girls and blue is for boys. And the if a boy likes pink or he likes yellow or any pastel color, he's being told that those are girly colors and he can't like them because what would be so wrong if he likes something that's associated with being a woman if there's nothing wrong with being a woman or being a girl? It's because they don't like women. that anything that's associated with being a woman is considered being a bad thing.

[00:29:56]Being sensitive, being caring, nurturing, being attentive, wanting to talk, crying, basic human emotions is linked to being a woman. And if a man is crying or a child is crying, he's being mocked. Oh, you're crying like a girl.

[00:30:13]Oh, you're doing this like a girl. Like a girl. Like a girl. What's wrong with being like a girl?

[00:30:20]if you truly see us as people um who are worthy of love, respect, kindness, all of that stuff. But because they don't, that's why anything that's closely associated with being a girl is considered a bad thing for a man or a boy to be. And so if you have this view on women and gender dynamics, you you're not going to treat women with love and respect and kindness because you don't believe that they are human enough to deserve it. Someone in the comments said, "We are actually taught how to survive them."

[00:31:02]Why when you go out on a date, you send your location to three different people?

[00:31:08]Why do you tell them, "Oh, I'm going out with such and such, and the license plates is such and such, and we're going to such a place." Why do they tell you not to leave your drink unattended around a man? Why are they telling you not to dress a certain way around men?

[00:31:24]It's not because men are so great and they're protectors. It's because men are the predators.

[00:31:31]Okay, so here's what's happening and this is one of the main reasons that women are suffering. The way you view men, the way you view relationships in the world, it is entirely wrong. Now, my brain thinks visually and in analogy.

[00:31:44]So, I just took off my glasses, right?

[00:31:47]As we are being raised by society, our parents and culture, it tells us what is important and it tells us how to view the world. It says you want male validation. It says you need and desire the love of a man. And when a man tells you who and what you are, you take that in and you say, "Okay, this is how I build my sense of self." Many of you are incredible.

[00:32:12]But because this planet is so messed up, you are partnering with men who do not deserve you. And you become so wounded by something that is less than you. I cannot accurately explain how truly tragic that is. Imagine being a divine light being and you're born on a planet and you are attracted to the opposite gender, but that gender is so dysfunctional, but everything in your culture and society normalizes it. And now you need this dysfunctional thing to love you. And that love is supposed to tell you something about yourself, but you can never really get it. And each man you meet wounds you. Do you understand how tragic that is? Now, let's imagine one day you put on some glasses and these glasses correct your vision and they show you exactly what the hell everything is. So here, okay, so here is what we have been doing as women. We have been looking at everything wrong to the degree that we have been pedestalizing men and reducing ourselves.

[00:33:18]What would happen if you had an entirely new vision and a new way of looking at life where you elevated yourself? You saw your own divinity and your own greatness and now you're looking at men and you say to them, "You have to prove something to me. If you are going to enjoy my body, if you are going to enjoy spending your life with me, you have to show me something because I know and love myself so well that I will not allow someone into my life who is not worthy because I know what the cost of that is. And the cost of that is losing the idea of myself. The cost is insanity. And I'm using that word because a lot of us have been driven insane by men who should never have had the privilege of doing life with us. The cost is you don't even get to fulfill your purpose. Whatever you came here to do and be, well, you've gotten on board what with what this man wanted and now you're his wife and you're having his kids and he's cheating on you and you're exhausted because he doesn't even know how to share the mental load. Do you understand that as women we need to correct our vision? We need to correct how we see the world, how we see men.

[00:34:33]But what's most important is we have to correct how we see ourselves. And we have to know that we are divine and we are worthy. And anybody who wants to do life with us, they have to prove that they are worthy of the privilege.

[00:34:50]I was inspired to make this video on this topic because I saw a clip of the movie Divorce in the Black and then I went to watch it. I didn't know it was a Tyler Perry movie. And once I realized that it was a Tyler Perry movie, I'm like, "Oh, a black woman is going to be suffering."

[00:35:12]Once you see Tyler Perry, you know that a black woman is going to be suffering.

[00:35:17]A black man is going to be the reason for her suffering and she's going to be to an extent destructively male-centered which is exactly what the movie was about.

[00:35:34]The couple, the main focus couple in the movie, the woman had a good job. She was pretty, you know, skinny, beauty standard, everything. the man was not.

[00:35:47]And I don't even want to put it like that because these are real people and I know they're just acting. So I don't really want to go too much on the actors. But the scenario, he is just selfdestruct. He's self-destructive in every way.

[00:36:08]and she is enduring domestic violence, uh, verbal abuse, everything.

[00:36:16]He hits her, he talks down to her, his family talks down to her, and she's just there like, I thought I could love him through it.

[00:36:34]And and it's and it it dawned on me that while she was going through everything, while she was enduring the verbal abuse from him, his family, his mom, that that is what society considers a good woman, a woman who is willing to endure it all in the name of love.

[00:37:03]And like someone else in this video said, society expects women to suffer.

[00:37:12]So you will see a woman happy and you will hear little comments like, "Well, one day this man is going to do X to her and I can't wait for the day that he turns on her." Something like that.

[00:37:26]Or if a man is treating a woman right and she's expressing that or he is expressing that, you'll hear the manosphere news podcast bros come in and say, "Oh, he's a s."

[00:37:41]They find a derogatory term to call a man who is respectful and loving to a woman.

[00:37:50]Do you see how sick the whole thing is?

[00:37:53]And so I agree with her so much. We have to reframe because the men are not going to reframe their point of view. They're benefiting from this arrangement.

[00:38:05]What do you mean you get someone to spread their legs when you want someone to have kids and not only will they bear the children, they will take care of the children, they'll take care of me, they'll take care of the house, they will endure whatever I put them through because that's what everybody expects of them.

[00:38:24]And if they don't do that, I'll just tell everybody that she's not a good woman and she didn't hold me down when I need her through thick or thin to death do us part. But you're killing her every day.

[00:38:37]So make it make sense.

[00:38:39]>> Now these are some of the few things that we women go through in marriage that are so painful you cannot explain it. There's no English word for it.

[00:38:49]Number one is when you find out that your man is cheating. H but leave alone the cheating part is when you find out that everybody else knew about it but you.

[00:39:02]All of your friends knew. His friends knew. The neighbors even sometime knew.

[00:39:08]Some people in your family even knew he was cheating but no one told you. Like immediately your view of people changes.

[00:39:15]That's number one.

[00:39:17]Number two is when his family comes for you.

[00:39:23]You know what our dear wife um we see taking care of this family it is very hard for you. We we thought of bringing another wife to help you.

[00:39:39]We have decided to bring this is now your call. Okay.

[00:39:45]E another one is when you are there you are a mother you're a single mother and then a man comes into your life hey I'm going to treat you better you and your child and then the man sleeps with you and go and sleeps with your child no like it's not enough that you've humiliated me you go ahead and do it to my own What have men done to us women?

[00:40:19]Yeah. Another one is when you are pregnant and then you find out that another woman is pregnant for your baby daddy or for your husband. Mama or the same time you're on labor bed giving birth, another woman is also going for labor. Ma ma ma.

[00:40:39]>> Another one is when h you spend your whole life all of your youth so many years decades with a man and then a man looks at you and tell you he's tired of you. He's done with relationship. He doesn't have love for you anymore. As if that is not enough. He will add on and tell you to just pack your things and go without giving you anything. Not even a piece of land, not even a business, no nothing. and his entire family come and back him up. Hey, what did you come in this marriage with? You came empty-handed. You go like that. What do you want? Mama to them. Childbearing is nothing. Your womb, your body, your energy gone like that. You cannot do or say anything about it.

[00:41:26]That pain they tell you, go who are you?

[00:41:28]You are trash. All of a sudden, now you're useless. Another one is when a man decide to sleep with your very own sister or cousin or your best friend. He decided that that like and they keep quiet on it. That betray you that betray you all. Mama, you cannot you cannot a man whereby his family make excuses for his cheating and bad behavior, they just keep patting him in the back.

[00:42:00]Oh no no no no. You keep praying for him. Yes, he will stop. He will change.

[00:42:04]Don't worry. Another one is when a man infect you with HIV. H a man infect you with HIV and he acts like it is nothing.

[00:42:15]His entire family behave like it's nothing.

[00:42:18]Yep.

[00:42:19]Like yeah it's HIV. So then a man knows that he has infected HIV. He comes and give it to you forcefully so all of you can die together. What type of hate is that?

[00:42:29]What level of hate is that?

[00:42:33]Women have seen days.

[00:42:37]The last one is when you see a man that you used to beg to love you, right? Man, love me, call me, text me, buy me flowers, take me on dead.

[00:42:50]You see this man doing the same thing you've pleaded him for years to do for you to another woman effortlessly.

[00:42:58]A man doesn't want to take pictures with you. But with that woman, he's always in front of the camera. He's buying flowers.

[00:43:07]I don't take people on dates. I don't like this thing of buying flowers. The next woman is getting it all. That pain.

[00:43:13]That pain.

[00:43:16]God help us. What have men done to us?

[00:43:20]What? You know, when she talked about the the family backing up the cheating man, it reminded me of my own situation.

[00:43:28]So, I had found out that my long-term boyfriend was cheating.

[00:43:35]And we kind of we kind of we were we were in the process of breaking up, but we weren't fully there yet. And I went to his dad to tell his dad that he cheated. And I was fully expecting his dad to say that that's such an awful thing. He shouldn't have done that. I'm going to talk to him.

[00:43:56]Anyway, his dad said, "Oh, yeah. I met her. She's nice. I think they make a good match."

[00:44:05]To this day, I think that's still the most embarrassing conversation I ever had because I fully went there hoping to get comfort from this man's father.

[00:44:18]I don't know why I was expecting that, but that's what I got. Also, there's someone I know very well, a man who he has two kids born in the same year that are a few months apart, maybe like three months apart. and the second one was planned.

[00:44:37]So while there was one woman that was already pregnant a few months along, he planned to have a baby with the other woman. Yeah. I also think it's very important that that us as women talk about the things that we go through so we can let other younger, more impressionable women who haven't learned the same lessons that we learned. we can let those women know that, hey, these things are not okay. These things are the beginning signs of an abusive situation. This thing is actually a red flag, even though it looks green to you now. And it's important for us to realize that a man's family will always be his family. Now, there are some family members of his who can be objective and and can point out when he does something wrong, but they most likely will never cut him off or hold him accountable in any real way for what he does to you. His family will always be his family. His circle of friends will always be his circle of friends.

[00:45:49]Even if you start to get close to people who were close to him first, most times I think those people will always rally behind him. And that's why it's important for you to have your own family, your relationship with your own family, your own support system. Because if he can get you to assimilate into his circle, then he can have greater control over you. If he can get you to disassociate from your friends, from your family, from your network, it's easier for him to abuse you because who are you going to call?

[00:46:24]Who's going to come rescue you? If he's beating you right now, but you if in order for you to go back home to your family, it's a 5h hour flight. Who are you going to call? If everybody that you know close to you, they are his friends first.

[00:46:40]Who are you going to call? Never let a man isolate you from your own support system.

[00:46:47]>> One thing I realized is the moment that you realize that a man is okay with you suffering in any way, shape, form, or capacity, you need to leave his ass alone. The way a man treats you when you're down is going to say everything about him. And I was in a situation where I caught myself on a downward spiral financially and I needed a little bit of help.

[00:47:14]And I was dealing with the man who was telling me, you know, you're never going to have to worry. You're never going to need for nothing when you're around me.

[00:47:23]We lived in separate states at the time.

[00:47:24]And he was selling wolf tickets. Oh, I got your bag. You'll always have a place to go.

[00:47:32]He was telling me, giving me so much security when I was in another state.

[00:47:37]Now we live in the same state.

[00:47:39]And when I got here, this man was, "Oh, you're going to need to hustle. I needed to move in. Period. I needed to move in and I needed to get settled. You're my man, right? You're my man. So, I'm going to move into your house and I'm going to get settled. Like, we're supposed to be together." soon as I got here and I moved in with a family member is, oh, you you know, you need to hustle and just, you know, get on your feet, get you an apartment because I can't accommodate you right now for whatever his reasons were.

[00:48:09]You was okay with letting me struggle and letting me suffer and letting me and the only reason why this was an issue is because I was mentally on my ass, financially on my ass, physically on my ass. I had so much working against me and I felt like I needed help. So I felt like I should be able to depend on this man because this man positioned himself to be somebody that I can depend on. But he wanted me to suffer first and he wanted me to work for that provision and he wanted me to go through things before he was able to step in and step up. And I said, "You know what? No, because you have the means to help me. You could change my situation overnight and you're choosing not to. And you think I'm still gonna sit up and be with you? Let his ass go. And I promise you, whatever God you pray to is going to provide the provision. I'm in my own spot. It's way nicer than any [ __ ] he ever had. To be real with you. I I I never needed that man for nothing. I just needed to have faith in myself and in the divine that I work with. So, it's just the principle that these men, especially these men, I know I'm a little light, but you get what I'm trying to say. They want you to suffer first before they provide, before they step up and, you know, do what they need to do or even do what they said they was going to do. They want you to go through some suffering first. They want you to go through some cheating first. They want you to have to forgive them and take them back first. No. Cut that [ __ ] Cut it. Cut it. Cut it. You're not doing that. We're not doing that, niece.

[00:49:40]Go get on your knees. Pray to whoever you need to pray to. Manifest whatever you need to manifest and get up out of there. Do not ever suffer at the hands of no man that's supposed to be standing up for you and stepping up for you.

[00:49:50]Point blank. Period.

[00:49:52]>> If you're looking to position yourself as my partner in life, but I have to suffer first to deserve your kindness, your provision, your safety, your love.

[00:50:14]then I do not want it.

[00:50:19]I am okay with allowing people to pick themselves up. I am okay with allowing people to learn their own lessons. I'm okay with people learning the consequences of their actions. If you're making dumb decisions and I'm talking to you about your dumb decisions, don't expect me to bail you out. At least not every time. might bail you out the first time, the second time, but after that you're on your own and you need to learn some lessons.

[00:50:46]But if you want to be in my life in a certain way, you want to sleep with me, but you can help me in some way to get myself together when there is a need.

[00:51:04]and you would be the first and an obvious immediate help.

[00:51:11]But you want me to suffer in some way, to prove myself in some way, to earn it.

[00:51:19]I do not want you in my life. Again, I'm not saying there should be no accountability to the person who needs help, but when it comes to certain types of relationships, having to earn your help through enduring hardship with you is a no. No.

[00:51:42]Also, there are so many men who will make you get comfortable while promising to take care of you, promising to be whatever. No, you should be thinking about how you can take care of yourself, how you can provide for yourself, how you can give yourself the life you need, how you can get promoted if that's what you want, how you can switch careers if that's what you want.

[00:52:03]It should never be that your come up so to speak in life in any form should be dependent on whether or not a man is willing to make it happen for you, willing to give it to you. do not audition to be his pet that he plays with. That he sees you as only someone who is there for his satisfaction and entertainment. And outside of that, his resources, his time, whatever, whatever else he has will not be used to make your life better. If you are with him and you have nothing to show, nothing improving in your life, nothing improving in your like physically tangible things that you can say, and I'm not I'm not talking bags. I'm not talking purses. I'm not I'm not talking jewelry.

[00:52:56]I'm talking about things that elevates your life beyond him, beyond looking good for him.

[00:53:06]something that mostly if not only benefits you that is an actual investment into a person. An investment into a person is not I'm going to bring you on this trip with me so that you can look good on my arm.

[00:53:27]It's not I'm going to buy you this purse so when I take you out you look fly.

[00:53:34]No.

[00:53:36]That's not what it is. If you if your life does not change for the better in ways that he cannot touch, then you should be thinking about what you're doing with him. Go ahead and share your thoughts in the comments section. I'd love to know what you think. Thanks so much for watching and I'll see you next time.