The Gay Men Who Aren't "Really" Gay

[00:00:00]Greetings people of Earth. Welcome back.

[00:00:02]My name is Jax.

[00:00:04]And today we are talking about the gay men who aren't really gay.

[00:00:10]Um I feel obligated to make a video like this every two or three years. And usually it happens when somebody reaches out to me and is like "Hey bro, you're like really attractive. But like if you want to hang out, like that's chill. But like we got to keep it like on the down low, like on the DL because like I have a wife and kids or whatever."

[00:00:37]And unfortunately, this has happened recently. And you guys know that I have like a real issue with like DL men, like down low men, discreet men, married men who want to sleep with other men, but they like hate themselves, and they hate being gay, and they hate the gay community.

[00:01:03]And I have always tried to have like a nuanced opinion about this kind of stuff. Like I've always tried to be like, "Well, you know, like they're human beings, and being in the closet is very difficult, and it is very hard to come to terms with yourself. And [clears throat] you know, like homophobia exists. Like unfortunately, people treat us differently once we once they know that we are attracted to the same gender as we ourselves are."

[00:01:32]Um and I tried to have some sympathy, and I do. I do have sympathy. Like I do understand that it must be incredibly difficult to live your life like that.

[00:01:43]However, you are like hurting so many people in the process, especially if you decide to like get married and have kids, and you know, all of all of the difficulties that come with that.

[00:01:56]And also, I find that a lot of discreet men like go about it in such a backhanded, manipulative way. And usually, it's like a very negative experience, especially for the person that they are messaging.

[00:02:14]And, you know, I just find it very frustrating because you're kind of just like pushed back in the closet as well, you know? Like you have to talk to these people and they kind of make you feel as though you're like back in the closet, you're a secret, you're something to be hidden, you're something that, you know, should not be like celebrated. And I guess that's kind of the whole point of pride, and I just made a video on how, you know, I have a complicated relationship with pride.

[00:02:43]Um, but if you if you live under a rock and you don't know, a DL man is a gay man. He is gay. He's 100% just gay. He might be bisexual, but for the purpose of this of this video, he is gay.

[00:03:00]And a DL man might have a beard, which is like marrying a woman to make yourself look straight. Like, you know how beard makes you look more masculine or whatever.

[00:03:11]Um, and so this DL man, this down low man, this discreet man might have a beard, might have kids, might, you know, try to appear very, very masculine, is very afraid of sort of feminine ideas, um, even more so than just like a normal straight man. Um, and a lot of the time, a DL man is very homophobic. They are very against any kind of like, you know, affection between men.

[00:03:38]Um, which is wild because if you hang out with the straight man, like a just a general, like I've got straight friends, when you hang out with them, they act pretty gay, you know? They're like, "Dude, who's bigger?" Like, "Oh, like let's square up. Let's wrestle shirtless." You know, like normal straight men are pretty are pretty fruity, you know, like they're they're fine with their masculinity. They're not trying to hide something. But, these men are usually very homophobic and scared of like interactions with other men. They're like, "Oh, no, like that's gay."

[00:04:11]And they're using it in a like a derogatory way, which is very toxic and awful.

[00:04:15]Um and I I have a real problem with DL men, especially like in the world that we live in, because there will be like 16-year-old gay people and they come out to their family and they're like not accepted and they're kicked out of the house and you know, and then they go off and they find their found family. They find the people in the world who will love them unconditionally and just love them for who they are and they will build lives that are just amazing. You know, The Trevor Project is a great example of a charity that helps like LGBT people start their lives and become beautiful human beings.

[00:04:59]And you know, these these people start with nothing and they managed to build a life that is both beautiful and truthful and real.

[00:05:10]And then you have these [sighs] guys in our society who feel the need to manipulate a woman and then have children with this woman and then message people like me and be like, "Hey, like we should we should hang out."

[00:05:24]And it's just like that is such a like unhonest way to live your life. Is what I think really upsets me about this.

[00:05:38]And again, like if you're from an older generation than I am, absolutely. I I get it. I have a bigger understanding for that kind of thing.

[00:05:48]Um but some of these guys are younger than me, you know? Like I am almost 30 years old and some of these men have been married for a few years and they have messaged me.

[00:06:01]And I don't quite know what to do about it.

[00:06:05]Like the idea of living a lie like that and like committing to the lie so much that you're going to like have kids and get married and then you're going to message a a gay man and be like, "Hey dude, like we should we should hang out, but like it's got to be low-key. Like, you know, we're talking like 1:00 a.m."

[00:06:27]And I do not have the time nor the care to kind of put up with that or to um you know, consider this kind of idea because I've got a busy life and I'm trying to find, you know, love, a connection, a relationship and it is not going to be with one of these people and I fear that many of us in the gay community who are out, who have done the work, who have come out of the closet, who have found people that love us and accept us, who have educated our families about acceptance and LGBT rights and everything like that, um we have a hard enough time dating and trying to find a connection and getting involved with like a manipulative discreet guy is like the last thing you need for your mental health and for your relationship status because these men will not leave their wives for you. They will not break down their whole world for you.

[00:07:25]Like maybe it's a it's a very toxic idea for a romantic movie or something where, you know, it's like Brokeback Mountain where it's like, "Oh, I'm going to leave leave my wife for you." It's like, "Okay, well, that's like that's just all kinds of sadness and, you know, for different reasons. That's not something to really be celebrated.

[00:07:45]That's something to be like, "Oh, like I'm I'm really sorry that that happened to you. Like, that's kind of tragic."

[00:07:50]Um, because it is tragic, and I just have this really complicated relationship with DL men, and part of it is that I did not spend very long in the closet. Like, from the time I knew I was gay to when I came out, it was 6 months.

[00:08:06]Um, so like, I had a very crash course in what it meant to be gay, and then realizing like, "No, this is exactly who I am, and this is not changing, and it never will change."

[00:08:19]Um, and I came from a family that I knew would accept me. I came from a family that I knew would love me and treat me no differently whatsoever once I came out as gay, and that's exactly what happened.

[00:08:31]But like I said, there are people out there who know who they are, and then decide, "You know what? Like, as soon as I can stand on my own two feet, I'm out of this house. I'm going to do my own thing. I'm going to be my own person.

[00:08:43]I'm going to live my truth."

[00:08:45]And I just feel like if you are in that situation, you're in the closet, and you decide, "I will just fake being straight to the to the furthest possible way you could fake it. Um, and then I will, you know, sleep with guys on the side, um, and like love bomb them, and be super manipulative, and be super homophobic in general, and all of that kind of stuff." It's like, "What is the point? Like, leave me alone. Like, leave me out of it, you know? Go live your truth, but leave me out of it." And I encourage any gay man who is sort of entertaining the idea of talking to a DL man, a discreet man, whatever it is, I urge you just to avoid it, because honestly, it is a lot more headache and heartache than you are deserving of. You don't You don't deserve that kind of stuff. And I think there's this like fantasized idea of it and you see it in a lot of gay media where it's like the DL guy ends up leaving his girlfriend or his wife for for the man. And again, that's not really something that you should like celebrate. Like yeah, they're coming out and they're like living their truth, but a lot of damage has been caused. And I've talked to women who have, you know, found out that their husband or their partner was was gay and it is a hard thing, you know? And I think the gay community is very quick to like silence them and not listen to them because it's like, "Well, the the the man is finally living his truth as a gay man." It's like, "Yeah, okay, but there was like a lot of damage done and two wrongs do not make a right, you know?

[00:10:30]Just because society is inherently tilted against gay people, doesn't give gay people the right to ruin lives and, you know, break promises. And I think that that's what kind of gets me is it's like a fundamentally breaking a promise. And I know this is like quite controversial and many gay men will watch this and be like, "How dare you? Like gay men are should be allowed to live their truth no matter what." And I'm like, "Yeah, but you don't get a free pass. You You don't get a free pass to do whatever you want and treat people however you want." Like that's ridiculous. That is like no. You don't get to justify it and, you know, it happens in every community where people will justify behavior because one of their, you know, perceived community members um is like living their truth. And it's like, "Okay, but like how many lives did you have to upend to to do that, you know? Like how How did that work?" Like I don't I I know how that worked.

[00:11:31]Um So, yeah, like please avoid the DL, man.

[00:11:36]Um I get it. If you're a DL man watching this, like I get it. The struggle is real, you know, homophobia exists.

[00:11:42]Sometimes you just get really unlucky with how your parents view these things or how your friends and your community views these things.

[00:11:50]Um and, you know, if you're from a particularly religious background, depending on the religion, um I get that it must be really hard. But, I'm saying that people make it work. People will struggle and fight for your right to be who you are.

[00:12:09]There are so many resources, so many charities, so many communities that will take you in with open arms. And the idea that no, I'm going to, you know, find find an insecure woman and make her my beard, um that's a terrible manipulation and it's really wrong and it literally destroys people's lives. So, don't do that.

[00:12:37]Um you know, and then don't don't message guys and be like, "Hey, we should we should hang out on the down low."

[00:12:45]Because it's just it's just the perpetuation of a really bad cycle. So, I don't know. Let me know what you think. I know like this is probably not the pride video that people want, but it's honest and it's from experience and it's from my experience. So, if you fundamentally disagree with it, maybe we have had different life experiences and who knows.

[00:13:13]Anyway, thank you guys for watching. Let me know what you think and I hope you are enjoying pride month. You are living your truth. You are getting to be who you always wanted to be and that everyone around you accepts you for it because that should be the bare minimum.

[00:13:28]And everyone should have the opportunity to be loved because of just being who they are.

[00:13:35]Anyway, I hope you're having a beautiful day, week, month, year, century, millennium, whatever you're having, I hope it's amazing. And as always, I will talk to you guys tomorrow.