The Strengths of Ideal Parent Figure Protocol (+ Resources)

Added: 2026-06-01

[00:00:02]team. Let's do it.

[00:00:05]We're going to be talking about ideal parent figure protocol resources, also known as the three pillars method, and I think this [ __ ] rocks. It's for developing secure attachment. Um, there's very few facilitators of it as far as I can tell. And I just want people to be able to know what it is, why I think it rocks. Also trying to teach myself by teaching you to learn more about it, but I think this is important and valuable and want to share it. So here we go. Um, this is the textbook if you want it. It's not showing up well there. This is the textbook if you want it. Pretty expensive.

[00:00:53]You might be able to find it online for free. He do whatever you want. Um, quick resources. So, this is the textbook. Fire Metag Group is like the main organization in this space that I know of. They seem the most legit to me.

[00:01:13]They're what was recommended for me.

[00:01:14]I've been working with their facilitators. I've been working with their meditations.

[00:01:19]Um, the only real I don't think there's like another organization in this space that you can work with as a client. There's another organization by David Elliot, the other guy here, if you want to train under them. Um, and maybe you could find therapists through them, but it's kind of unclear. This is like the only clear online portal you have to access resources from a client side related to this stuff that I found. Let me know if you if you find something else. But they're kind of the main player in this space and they're pretty small. So their facilitators directory, right? They got like what like six facil seven seven six seven facilitators. Crazy. You can go on Reddit. Reddit subreddit for ideal parent figures. Masterless. It's four years old, but you still got like what, like 15, 12, 15 people here. That's [ __ ] crazy. What the hell? Um, I'm angry. Um, and then something I just also want you to know about, right? So, oh, and uh we got to get the um this has some of the So, Daniel Brown, he's one of the two authors of this textbook. Um pretty well respected.

[00:02:46]Um this link has some of the some of his original meditations that aren't on YouTube and that you can't really find elsewhere.

[00:02:56]and I have disorganized attachments, so I've done this one. This one's pretty fire, but just worth u knowing where that is.

[00:03:06]There's also uh Cedric Reeves. I don't know too much about him, but he's got his whole attachment repair website.

[00:03:13]There's different places you can go to, but for pretty clearly following the three pillars, um, an ideal parent figure protocol as outlined in this textbook, MetaGroup's the place I trust most. And one of the cool things, they also have this kind of like meditation track that goes along with their stuff. Um, and from what I hear with the two facilitators under Metagroup that I've worked with, they see people have really good results when they also work with these meditations. So, there's the free ones if you want the like next level. I think that's the 84 meditations. Yeah.

[00:03:51]For mentalization and emotional regulation skills. Um, those are the 84 meditations. I'm going through that right now. Pretty solid.

[00:04:02]Um, yeah. So, those are most the resources that I just want to get right out of the way. Then, I'm not here to summarize IPF right now. I might do that later. I'm here to tell you why I think IPF is cool. Um, so I'm Harry. I've tried a lot of different things and the biggest reason I like ideal parent figure protocol is how it relates to transference and projection because especially as done by metagroup as I understand it because I have a problem where I work with therapists and my attachment system gets activated.

[00:04:53]You know, there's some sense of intimacy and closeness and the relationship one might have with a parent. And something I really like about IPF is that instead of like most therapy, you're going to project that onto the therapist and then you're going to work with that however you do. The therapist might try to act in a really healthy and respectful way so that you um have dissonant you get counter evidence that people don't have to act that way. Um, and that's fine, but I think it's less efficient. And also, if you're like me, you might have extraordinarily high standards or extraordinarily strong projections onto your therapist such that they basically can't give you counter evidence. You won't accept it or it'll be really hard for them to give you counter evidence.

[00:05:41]But even if they do successfully give you counter evidence by treating you in a healthy way instead of an unhealthy way when you project onto them that they're going to treat you badly, um you just don't need to take that risk.

[00:05:54]You don't need it to be bottlenecked by your therapist skill. Um and also as they say in the textbook, which I like, your therapist is going to be imperfect. So if you test your therapist a thousand times, they're going to fail at some point. Um, but you can imagine ideal parents who are perfect. Um, so I like that. Um, I'll add on to that.

[00:06:26]Boom.

[00:06:30]Stop that. Stop that. Stop that. We got to drag this text box.

[00:06:36]Beautiful.

[00:06:37]Give it to me. Uh, collabor. Oh god, what have we done?

[00:06:44]Oh no.

[00:06:46]Okay. Okay.

[00:06:49]Run it back. Run it back. Run it back.

[00:06:54]Collaborative frame.

[00:06:58]So I like in in therapy you could have a frame that Okay, I can't delete this. You could have a frame that's you're receiving something from an expert and you got to follow what the expert says. Kind of like if you're interacting with a doctor or you can have a collaborative frame which is more peer-to-peer. It's still it's still a facilitator frame. They still know things and they're still helping you out. But I like the collaborative frame between you and your therapist because this means you're not going to activate your attachment system in relation to the therapist as much. So, you're not going to project onto them as much.

[00:07:39]You're going to activate the attachment system in relationship to the imagined ideal parents, which I think is preferable for the same reasons as provided before. Um and I won't write it down but the three pillars of the three pillar approach of this textbook of ideal parent figure protocol as one ideal parent figure protocol imagining ideal parents and specifically having a facilitator or therapist guide you in that imagery doing it with someone else. um I find that much more powerful and helpful personally and helps me get through stuck points and see blind spots etc. The second one is essentially mentalization. So essentially self-awareness but also emotional regulation um and kind of all of those metacognitive skills in general. I would say it's self-awareness and emotional regulation. The third pillar is collaborative behavior. And what they mean by that is basically the ability to have respectful, productive relationships and honestly more specifically interactions. So I think they focus on is just being able to have respectful and productive conversations.

[00:08:59]So like not rambling endlessly um and not shutting down and not saying anything but just having like good enough in the middle in the sweet spot regular communication where people can clearly understand you. Um yeah um so those are the three pillars. I forget why I started saying that. But so honestly, the biggest reason that I value IPF and that works for me is how it works with the transference and projection relationship between you and the therapist. And I think that's awesome.

[00:09:38]The second thing that I think is a really nice advantage of it is positive reinforcement.

[00:09:48]feel better to feel better. Um, this is an idea I've mostly got from organic intelligence cuz one of my friends is super into it. Organicintelligence.org.

[00:10:01]I have taken their end of trauma course which was pretty solid. And the main idea I appreciate from organic intelligence um I'll find these real quick. organic intelligence podcast. If you want to learn more about organic intelligence, I'd recommend Oh, that's new. That's exciting. I want to watch that. Um, yeah, this end of trauma podcast if you want to get an overview of organic intelligence.

[00:10:32]>> This is a good way to start. You can also download their paper um which I'm sure is somewhere here but they have a scientific paper that's pretty easy to understand and pretty short that you can read if you want to get a vibe or ask AI about it but organic intelligence focuses on positive reinforcement feeling better to feel better. A lot of therapy, subtly or not so subtly, focuses on problems and trauma and what feels like [ __ ] to try to get you to heal. And that does work to a certain extent. But the more disorganized you are, the more your attachment system is [ __ ] up, the more your nervous system is [ __ ] up, the less likely that is to work. Direct trauma reprocessing with disorganized attachment or especially [ __ ] up sensitized nervous systems can actually just lead to more disorganization.

[00:11:30]It can actually just lead you to dissociate more. Um, and that's its whole own thing. Um, but a good way to avoid that is to just go nice and easy. Feeling better is better and biting off things in actual sizes that you can chew. And of course, it's always going to be okay to feel whatever you feel and have whatever negative feelings you have in therapy. and to even cry and to have katharsis. But I think it is a mistake and it is dangerous to aim for katharsis, especially with people with disorganized attachment or particularly hyper sensitized or [ __ ] up nervous systems, whatever we want to mean by that. Um and so something I like about the three pillars approach about ideal parent figure protocol is that you are aiming for positive experience with the ideal parents. Obviously the ideal parents are attuned to your negative experiences and obviously your ideal parents and your facilitator don't need you to not have negative feelings and are happy to be with those and are happy to soo those and that's actually part of the whole process. But in general, we're looking to positively remap the attachment system. And this is a point that the textbook makes clearly that I also appreciate. The removal of a negative is not necessarily a positive. If we process, if we discharge the pent up emotion from a negative trauma, that doesn't necessarily mean that you will now be conditioned to expect the positive version of that thing to actually happen. It just means you're no longer holding the negative thing. So, what we want to do is actually replace the negative map with a positive map. We want to replace the negative conditioning with positive conditioning.

[00:13:25]We don't just want to discharge the repressed emot the negative repressed emotions related to the negative conditioning. Um, one of my favorite ideas from organic intelligence is that as you increase support in the system, the body, the system will naturally reprocess traumatic material, repressed emotion material in positive affect. So that basically means that instead of crying about how shitty a traumatic experience was and discharging it that way, you will process the same material spontaneously, unconsciously or semiconsciously.

[00:14:10]And you'll basically like instead of crying of pain, you'll be like crying of joy or maybe not even crying, but you'll be processing the same underlying traumatic material, but you'll be processing it in a way that feels good.

[00:14:27]Um, it's a little bit, if you haven't experienced that, it might sound hard to believe, but it's [ __ ] cool and I think it's how it works. And that's to say, I prefer modalities that focus on increasing support. And then when you increase support, yes, your underlying shit's going to come up. So, we're going to focus on feeling safe with the ideal parent figures. And then, oh, now that I feel really safe with them, I can feel how anxious I actually am. And now that just keeps coming up. Uh, gross. But right that that right we focus on the support and then the negative [ __ ] happens to come up cool let's be with it let's not ignore it and if it gets too overwhelming then like let's imagine something else we can positively distract that's totally fine we don't need to lock in and that is opposed to negative reinforcement which would be feel worse to feel better which is let's actually oh you you are being defensive You must be hiding something. What are you hiding? What are you afraid of? Oh, there's all this anxiety you're afraid of. Let that out. Um, your system's not letting that out for a reason because it feels like it doesn't have enough support or safety or resources or processing capacity to let that out. Um, and so I would much rather focus on increasing support um rather than something like digging for repressed emotion. uh I think as we increase support repressed emotion naturally comes up and ideally it actually comes up in positive affect and a way to understand that that that might make more sense is right like you can be crying and feel like everything's falling apart and you can be crying and be be held and feel safe and supported and like that's actually a really like relieving and even pleasant experience to cry. Um, but it can be even more positive and less conscious than that that um, you just don't even make the connection, but the repressed emotion is actually getting processed unconsciously in a way that just feels good, which is actually more what they mean.

[00:16:48]So, that's another reason I like this framework.

[00:16:53]Um, and there's definitely at least a third one, but it's not coming to me right now. And honestly, that's pretty good. And I think we'll just take that.

[00:17:04]>> Welcome to the Guts Pod.

[00:17:06]>> Whoa.

[00:17:07]And is there anything else I definitely want to get to right now? Honestly, not really. That's good enough. Um, hopefully that's a little bit helpful.

[00:17:20]Transference, positive reinforcement.

[00:17:23]I'd also just say like another reason I like it is that's working with Oh, okay.

[00:17:28]This is what we got to get to. Like it's basically just work on the earliest stuff. First attachment develops before narrative memory and work with the fundamental unit of humans relationships. So something I really like that they point out in their textbook is that we shouldn't expect intellectual or narrative insight to touch attachment conditioning because attachment develops the attachment system. essentially a system for seeking proximity to a safe secure relationship when you feel overwhelmed aka your relationship with your parents as a child.

[00:18:46]The attachment system generally solidifies obviously can be changed or I wouldn't be talking about this and they wouldn't be talking about it but generally solidifies around 1 to two. So I think it's probably like 8 months to 2 years I think is what they what they say which is before you have narrative intellectual memory like you probably don't remember anything from before you were two.

[00:19:15]So even if you have insights about your attachment patterns intellectually it probably won't touch your attachment conditioning because it's pre-narrative.

[00:19:24]It's like pre yeah linguistic narrative memory. Um, and so to work on attachment conditioning and attachment issues, you want to work in like a non-narrative way, which is another reason they're using this imagery where you imagine yourself as a child with ideal parents.

[00:19:46]And so that really resonates with me because I did a [ __ ] ton of emotional work and didn't [ __ ] touch my attachment conditioning. Um, so that's another thing I appreciate about this work.

[00:20:00]And then this is more just a vibe from me. I kind of see the fundamental unit of humans like like the computer science reference is like object-oriented programming. It's like what is the native object?

[00:20:17]But to say that for someone who doesn't get that reference like just what is the most natural um unit of thinking of organizing reality for a human and I think it's humanto human relationships um and also tied into that it's like you have that Harvard health study that's like the longest ongoing study and it's correlational but it's like people have all the better outcomes and especially better health outcomes when they have better relationships. And that's actually like the thing that stands out among everything else is the quality of relationships. Um, so something I like about this work is that it is directly interfacing with that with relationships. Um, creating a a more positive map for relationships, specifically attachment relationships, but also all relationships. And I just think that's so fundamental to humans um that it's just an intuitive way to work with things that makes it easier for me to believe in. And you know, as someone with disorganized attachment, I've done a lot of emotional work and you guys have probably experienced this. You can weaponize the tools against yourself. So, you can take exercise, which obviously can be absurdly beneficial, and you go, "I should exercise. I'm a piece of [ __ ] for not exercising." And wow, you've used the possibly therapeutic intervention of exercise in a violent way against yourself. Um, you can say the same thing for non-violent communication, for deep breathing, for anything. Um, you could like force yourself to deep breathe in a way that's like actually violating to yourself and not respectful of yourself, blah blah blah.

[00:22:12]Give me one second here.

[00:22:15]So, I really like that the resource you're building an ideal parent figure protocol is these imagined ideal parents and then if you're going to use that intervention in the moment during the day. So right during the day you might say okay I'm going to do this grounding breathing technique or during the day you're stressed and you may go I'm going to connect with my ideal parents those ideal parents being imagined beings imagined humans whatever they are and being an imagined relationship can actually hold the complexity of attunement and information necessary for a healthy interaction.

[00:23:00]with you, another human. No [ __ ] framework, no matter how complicated it is, is going to respectfully attune to you the way that you need, the way that humans need, and the way that's actually healthy for a human relationship in a way that's actually healing.

[00:23:22]It can be sufficiently attuned. It can work, but it's not always going to work.

[00:23:28]So I like the intervention of a imagined being or person and imagined relationship because that relationship can actually hold the complexity and attunement necessary to more and more often be applied in a way that's genuinely respectful and healthy and helpful and wholesome uh rather than rigid and let's say self-coercive. Um, so that that also helps me. It's a lot harder for me to experience connecting with my ideal parents as trying to force myself to do something than it is like trying to force myself to do some grounding technique or something like that.

[00:24:15]Um, and that feels pretty good. And I think it I'll end it there. I'll say I have aspirations to go through the whole textbook and make some videos about it.

[00:24:28]We'll see what happens. And I am interested in facilitating this. And I'm trying to do 250 hours of practice sessions for free. So if you're interested, you can DM me on Twitter. Um Harry toig on Twitter.

[00:24:48]And yeah, that's the vibe. Hope that's helpful. Feel free to ask me questions.

[00:24:54]I think this stuff rocks.

[00:24:56]And see you later.