Sayce Holmes - Lewis: Teenage Behaviour, Boundaries and Influence

[00:00:00]Whoop! My man is in the building.

[00:00:03][laughter] >> I'm back.

[00:00:04]>> Oh, she's You know what happens when her man's in the building?

[00:00:06]>> And the fact that you're willing to sacrifice your marriage because you don't get what you want, I think you're selfish.

[00:00:13]>> If someone done that to me with my child, I could never forgive them.

[00:00:17]>> This is some good ass content.

[00:00:18][laughter] >> She told my son he wasn't allowed to have his girlfriend stay over while he was living under our roof. He simply said okay. But somehow that annoyed her even more. And at that age 20, you need to start teaching them what life is actually about.

[00:00:32]>> I have been known to be enraged by an okay before. [laughter] >> There's a lack of resilience in young people now because there's a lack of challenge. If you think about education or constructive challenge or structured challenge as well, >> it's causing arguments between me and my husband because it feels like his son is changing because of mine. Throwing you out. Oh, Kate's talking again like [laughter] >> [music] >> Hi guys, I'm Kate Ferdinand and welcome back to Blended, the podcast where we talk honestly about family life, co-parenting, and everything in between.

[00:01:14]Now, before we get into today's episode, I wanted to let you know that our brand new blended community is officially live. Now, if you're finding blending family life hard, feeling alone, or just wishing you had people around you who truly understand, this is exactly why I've created it. It's a safe, supportive space for anyone navigating blended family life, where you can ask questions, share your experiences, connect with people who truly get it, and access exclusive content, hear from guest experts, and much, much more. Now, if you're interested, we'll add the link below and also in our Instagram bios.

[00:01:48]Now today we're talking about teenagers boundaries growing up and the challenges of parenting older children. But before that I'm joined by my amazing co-host Natalie and her lovely husband Se Holmes Lewis founder and CEO of Mentivity.

[00:02:05]My man is in the building.

[00:02:07]>> I'm back.

[00:02:07]>> Oh, she's You know what happens when her man's in the building? She gets a bit [laughter] glittery. Look at her face.

[00:02:13]>> Little bit giddy.

[00:02:15]>> Doesn't happen normally.

[00:02:16]>> She does. [laughter] She's on the show.

[00:02:18]>> She does.

[00:02:20]>> I'm going to be honest. I haven't seen my husband in three and a half weeks now. So, I'm a little bit jealous of your giddiness.

[00:02:25]>> A But when you do see him, >> it's going to be that brand new.

[00:02:29][laughter] >> Um, right. Do you know what? We always introduce you as um Natalie's husband, which of course you are Natalie's husband. That's goes That's the number one. But you're doing a lot of stuff s and we never really mention it and I think it's very important that we big you up because you you you deserve it.

[00:02:53]You're doing amazing great stuff in the community and everyone needs to hear about it. But before we get into all of that, how are you both? I know Nats is glowing. She's happy. She's got her hair down. You're looking 1010. Nats, thank you so much. I did think seeing as my husband's coming on the podcast today, I should make a bit of an effort.

[00:03:11][laughter] So, I woke up extra early today and I washed my hair. Yeah, >> which I I never do that on a weekday morning like whatever. Unless like we're getting a flight or going on holiday or [laughter] something.

[00:03:23]>> Yeah, >> he was like, >> "What's going on?"

[00:03:26]>> But yeah, I thought I'd make a bit of an effort. So, thank you very much, Kate.

[00:03:29]>> It's appreciated. I'm good. I'm good.

[00:03:31]I'm happy to be here again. So, all is well.

[00:03:34]>> Amazing. I've done the opposite. Just so you know, my husband isn't here, so I haven't washed my hair. [laughter] We've swapped rolls. This is pure rosemary oil and mint. It is pure like you could fry an egg on it. Just so you know. So I'm a bit jealous of you right now in all aspects.

[00:03:52]>> Are you walking around smelling like a Neil's yard? [laughter] >> Yes, exactly that.

[00:03:56]>> I love it.

[00:03:57]>> I'm sleeping in my bonnet. Like I'm just making the most of this whole situation.

[00:04:02]The good the bits that I can. You know what I mean? It's horrific.

[00:04:06]>> I get it. I get it. Cuz when he comes back, you will be preined and prepped, hair glowing, everything on fleek because you know you've done the deep work while he's been out out of the country [laughter] or or I'll look completely [ __ ] I've got all the kids [laughter] here and I'm on the verge. So, one of the two. I'm hoping it's the first one.

[00:04:28]>> Let's Yeah, I'm I'm rooting for the first one, babe.

[00:04:32]>> Yeah. Okay. Right, guys. Let's Let's say Tell us about you. Tell us about Mentivity. Tell us about everything that you're doing at the moment.

[00:04:39]>> Yeah. Um, been running Mentivity now for 10 years. So, we turned 10 earlier on this year, which is a major achievement.

[00:04:47]Um, founded it in 2016. I've been working in the community for nearly 30 years. So, it shows you my age. Um, so since the age of 16, I've been working in Southeast London.

[00:04:56]>> So, Mentivity started off in Suruk, so in between Peekom, Campbell, and Elephant Castle. Um, and um, yeah, it's just to serve young people. So, it's a community organization now. started off as a mentoring organization, but we've got Mentivity House, which is a community space and youth club um that we serve for young people between the ages of 8 and 16 and we've been running that for two years. So, yeah, it's going really well. It's challenging, you know, in terms of funding and things like that, but we're doing it because there's a real need to support young people. So, that's my passion and mentorship was a big part of my life. Um and I wanted to just pay it forward. So, we have an on-site school, so alternative vision during the day. So it helps us to generate bit revenue to run the programs. But it's more about nurturentric education and supporting young people at risk of permanent exclusion. So especially in Southeast London, we got a lot of permanent exclusions which is a driver for young people to go down the wrong path and potentially be exploited uh by other young people or adults primarily in the area. So it's just about serving young people at the earlier stage and early intervention and trying to protect them from um the challenges in society. So yeah, my mom's the teacher for that.

[00:06:00]You've been running that now for the last two years.

[00:06:02]>> That is incredible. Like you know like we always I don't know but I talk about doing good and like helping people but to actually have created this and it be going for 10 years and you help so many young people is just absolutely remarkable like incredible. What made you actually >> do this?

[00:06:22]>> I kind of fell into it. Football was my main passion like everybody else. Wanted to play professional football. Um when that didn't work out I fell back on coaching and then through coaching I got into education and then I just felt that I could build a rapport with young people and I was from that same area. So I just started coaching and mentoring young people then went into education oh gosh 2006. So I started uh like doing teaching assistant roles and then just progressed into alternative provisions which were used to be called centers. So people refer units and then I just found I was good at it and I got a good response from young people and I could help them on their journey. So that was really where I found my my my space and place after football and also coaching was a big part of what I did in terms of coaching football and that was a really good kind of engagement tool to get young people closer and just to mentor them through those activities and the ups and downs of life cuz they need people that look like them and understand what's going on in their area. So yeah, I grew up in a council state. Very proud to be from the council estate and they should be proud too. So just want to use their passions and help them to to navigate adolescence.

[00:07:26]>> And mentivity house is on the same council estate. So the Alsbury council estate that safe grew up on.

[00:07:33]>> Yeah. Alsbury estate. So Rio would know it well. Probably didn't go there much, but yeah. Alsbury estate. Um just across from the north peek estate, Burgess Park. So yeah, it's a really kind of full circle moment cuz I used to walk down that road to go to school pretty much every day and now I've got a a new youth club on the Ellbury estate. So it's a powerful story for young people showing what what can be possible if you dedicate yourself to community. So yeah.

[00:07:58]>> Yeah, absolutely. And Nat is looking so proud.

[00:08:02]>> She's proud of her man and so she should be. Like when I was younger especially, I remember like looking at people and like not having very many role models for what I thought I could fit, what role I could fit into. And I think especially like mine was a bit like be a PA, >> be a page free girl. Which one should [laughter] >> PA or D, you know what I mean? There just wasn't much. I don't recall seeing loads of people doing like all these great things and thinking I could do that. Or maybe a singer, which that wasn't one of my strengths either. um where it's not a talent. [laughter] >> Is that not one of your talents?

[00:08:37]>> I've got many talents as we now know.

[00:08:39]Natalie, I can tell you about them later today. So, I've got many.

[00:08:42]>> Yeah. [laughter] I think it's great that you're just showing people like I can't explain it, but >> showing them the pathway and what they can do with their lives because sometimes when you're younger and from like not fortunate backgrounds, you don't know what what paths are even available to take.

[00:08:57]>> No, you don't. You don't. And there's so many young people that are are lost because society tells them that they should be this person. And really mentorship is about a young person engaging in that that relationship with a trusted adult. And it can't happen without the young people. So they need safe spaces. They need people that they can trust, but they also need to see where they can go and get them closer to those potential pathways. And that's what we seek to do at Mentivity. You know, we have insight days with corporate companies. Um we have corporate funders like Spotify. We take them down there um to show them what they can do in podcasting and social media, things like that. And it actually blows their mind because even from a football perspective, a lot of young boys want to be football players, but there's so many different roles within the sector that they could actually get into. So if they don't make it, which is very challenging or difficult to do, there's other roles that they can do. So just about their passion, just building their knowledge around that and give them a foundation. That's what's crucial. So yeah, we've been very successful at that.

[00:09:52]>> Love it. Unbelievable. keep doing all the amazing stuff you're doing. I love watching on social media. Yeah. I I just love it. I love watching the pair of you. I'm being a bit like >> loving to you two today. You tell I'm missing my husband. Someone's got to have the love. But [laughter] you two are like >> you're just you can feel the love through the social media. You know, sometimes you look at couples and I can just feel your two energy through socials. Does that make sense what I'm saying?

[00:10:18]>> Yes. It's real. It's real. It's real.

[00:10:20]>> Love of my life.

[00:10:21]>> Yeah. Of course. Of course.

[00:10:22]>> Love of my life. Nat's been a massive massive supporter of mentivity as well.

[00:10:26]So she actually worked for us at Mentivity and was very instrumental in getting us to the stage that we are now.

[00:10:31]So her project management skills and yeah, a lot of challenges strategy. It was it was really exciting for me because I I got kicked out of secondary school and went to a pupil referral unit.

[00:10:44]>> So I was at a PU and I did my three GCSEs.

[00:10:47]>> Yeah. [laughter] >> At a PU as well. Um so going to work with SACE at Mentivity and being part of like launching mentivity house and >> the activation of the um of the restbite school and just like working with my mother-in-law as well who's you know got decades of experience in >> nurture centric education was like >> it was actually quite healing in a lot of ways to be able to be part of something that >> I don't think I I I wouldn't have been capable of starting on my own. But to like meet somebody, fall in love, and he's got this mission, and then be part of that mission, that was really, really special.

[00:11:30]>> It's challenging though. It is really challenging. People think, let's not romanticize it. This is one of the most difficult things I've ever done. And it is challenging. And when you don't know when, you know, the next funding is going to come from and if the youth club can be on tonight, that it's very challenging. So, we do need the support of our community and in investors and support as well. So it is challenging but we're just trying to inspire people to create community because now with regeneration, gentrification, you know, poverty, it's really challenging to even create community. So that's what we're trying to do.

[00:11:58]>> And now in our household, one of us can be like the community amazing entrepreneur for and the other one every night. [laughter] >> I'm in corporate getting getting a regular salary, [laughter] right? What's that?

[00:12:13]>> I'm not losing sleep. I don't know what that is.

[00:12:14]>> Exactly. and he's like every single month pulling off some incredible like magic to make it happen. So, we've got a good balance now. But it was nice to work to work at for a while.

[00:12:27]>> Love that. I mean, that's you see things on social media and you often don't see what goes into it behind the scenes to make it possible.

[00:12:33]>> Oh, that's next. Definitely behind the scenes at Mativity could be ongoing documentary be [laughter] number one bestseller.

[00:12:39]But, um, yeah, it's it's it is challenging, but it's a true labor of love. So, I wouldn't have it any other way.

[00:12:45]>> I'm so proud of you.

[00:12:46]>> Oh, thank you. Proud of you, too.

[00:12:48]>> Oh, you Oh, okay. Where are your hands going? I can only see [laughter] I can just see them going over there.

[00:12:54]Excuse me.

[00:12:56][laughter] >> Absolutely not. Please. Right. On that note, we're getting into the dilemma.

[00:13:02]You two, >> how are you, Kate?

[00:13:05]>> Oh, I'm glad someone asked. He doesn't [laughter] really ask.

[00:13:08]>> I thought it was Nat's job.

[00:13:08]>> It's a good job.

[00:13:09]>> I forgot.

[00:13:10]>> It's a good job you're here.

[00:13:12]>> Um, how am I? I don't know. I've got to be honest, guys. Not to be negative.

[00:13:16]I've been in a bit of a weird headsp space.

[00:13:19]>> Like, Rio is obviously awake and I've been dealing with that really well, I think. But this week, I just had enough of everyone. I'm a bit all over the place. I'm not feeling myself. I feel ugly. Um, got the ump, everything. Like, you just put it into one. I'm moaning about everything basically this week.

[00:13:38]>> Anyone else feel like that?

[00:13:39]>> Yeah, me too. I think that's why I got up this morning and washed my hair and like tried to make an effort cuz I've just been feeling so butters like it's not even I'm looking in the mirror like you look like a man, you know?

[00:13:53][laughter] Well, >> I haven't been saying it to you, but that's how I've been feeling.

[00:13:57]>> You don't look like a man. [laughter] So, yeah, it's a bit extreme.

[00:14:00]>> Like a brother.

[00:14:02]>> I'm not married to a brother.

[00:14:06]>> And [gasps and laughter] just like no, Nats, I feel like the same. I look in the mirror and I think what is that?

[00:14:12]Like this is this is bad times.

[00:14:15]Seriously, >> a big hench brother. Like [laughter] >> you saying, bro?

[00:14:22][laughter] >> Yeah, bro.

[00:14:24]>> Look, I'm worried Ria is going to come back and he's going to say, "What have you done with my wife? [laughter] Why is there like some geyser here now?"

[00:14:32]>> But I've just been feeling a bit insecure. I'm glad not not that I'm glad you're not feeling good, but I'm glad it's not just me.

[00:14:38]>> No, it's not just you. And also yesterday, so we've had this like full moon this week, right? This strawberry moon.

[00:14:44]>> Yeah.

[00:14:45]>> And so I think it's like a special moon being a strawberry moon. And >> say on what was it >> on Monday? Yeah. Monday I was >> out of sorts.

[00:14:54]>> Out of sorts just trying to stretch it out everything >> gym just trying to get stretch it out >> like yoga and things like that and just stretching out just trying to move my body >> cuz you tend to feel stress and like emotional in my in my shoulders and my back. So yeah, if I don't move.

[00:15:09]>> No, say sorry to interrupt you. My neck and my back is in agony. I even went to the physio. My legs are tight. And he's like, what have you done to your legs?

[00:15:18]And I've said nothing.

[00:15:20]>> He's like, are you stressed? And I'm like, what? Like I must be. I didn't know stress could affect your body like this.

[00:15:26]>> Yeah, definitely. Definitely. And if you you got to move cuz I went for a run on the weekend and then my hips were just the recovery was down. I was just like, I don't feel good. And I think it's just I think a cumulative energy at the moment. But you're not the only one. But you know, we got a lot to be grateful for. We have to look at the positives as well. When we feel like this, >> it's really important to look at the positives, you know, and we are very, >> but we don't want to talk about that right now. We want to talk about how [laughter] sad we are. So, also, >> fine, let's just stay here. Let's stay down [laughter] here.

[00:15:52]>> Also, yesterday, so I watched Ray's BET performance, which if anybody hasn't seen that, is one of the greatest performances I have seen in my life.

[00:16:03]Right. And I've always heard how incredible Ry is, but like I've never really been able to get into her music.

[00:16:08]Anyway, I went down a rabbit hole of like her live performances and >> until about 2:00 a.m. in the morning >> until about 2:00 in the morning.

[00:16:15]>> Headphones in the bed like this.

[00:16:17][laughter] >> And then I found these two songs that I then listened to on repeat about 50 times. And then yesterday, I just couldn't stop crying.

[00:16:31]But I was I was feeling these songs and these lyrics so deeply and I knew I was like I know this is something to do with the moon maybe where I am in my cycle.

[00:16:41]I'm not sure. But I was just a crying mess like all day just involuntarily just bursting into tears and continuing to listen to the songs and like making it worse and getting deeper and deeper into it. So and then at one point I forced to listen.

[00:16:57]>> I got brought down into the trenches as well. Yeah. And I was just laying on the bed like >> I just had to hold her hand and you know, >> what are you doing?

[00:17:06]>> No, I'm not going to judge you. Like you got to make safe spaces, but it is what it is. You can't always be 101%. But >> it's fine as long as you're not there all the time. You're not >> So you're [laughter] being depressed, but not too much. She's diet depression. [laughter] >> Diet depression.

[00:17:27]No, I know what you mean because honestly [snorts] Rio when I when I do that Rio does think like oh my god what do I she [laughter] try to be nice but she's what on earth's going on here but we we bring it on ourselves we're quite similar that night I would do that I'd listen to a sad song I it's like sometimes I want to feel the sadness I think let's just feel it whereas Rio's approach would be why are you listening to that if it makes you sad why don't you listen why don't you turn it off >> it needs to come off >> I want to be in it >> yeah Yeah, we've got to release it. And that's what it felt like yesterday. Felt like a massive release. And it's not like I haven't been feeling really sad.

[00:18:02]>> You've been you've been good. The energyy's been up. It's been up.

[00:18:05]>> But it was just like I was thinking about just different people, people that have passed away. Like it was just making me get deep into my feels, man.

[00:18:13]And now I feel really good.

[00:18:15]>> So it was just like, >> you got to embrace it.

[00:18:17]>> Was drawing out that energy.

[00:18:18]>> Embrace it. [snorts] >> You got to feel it. You know what I mean? You can't have the highs without the lows.

[00:18:22]>> Exactly.

[00:18:23]>> It's all good. Alhamdulillah.

[00:18:25]>> Alhamdulillah.

[00:18:27]>> Yeah. And actually you that wasn't that much of a bad low. You're listening to Ray crying because you're comfortable to do that. It's not like if we think about lows in the world. You're doing all right with your low. Do you know what I mean? So actually you've got it all out in your safe place. Your husband's holding your hand and also thinking what on earth's going on here? [laughter] But you've got something with you.

[00:18:47]>> Yeah.

[00:18:48]>> And you're cool.

[00:18:49]>> It's big progression.

[00:18:50]>> Exactly.

[00:18:50]>> For me. Yeah, I'm also true what you said, like I I sometimes bad things happen and you can get a bit like, oh my god, why is this happening? But recently, I do try and switch that round as well >> and think this has happened, but wow, it could be this or it could be that or thank goodness it is only this.

[00:19:07]>> Yeah, >> exactly that.

[00:19:08]>> Gratitude brings more gifts. That's for sure. Yeah. And that's what we've been speaking about that just trying to change our mindsets and who we are because sometimes we like you said we store that pain in our bodies and sometimes that movement can get rid of that but sometimes it can't and you just have to sit there with it and just embrace it and you know it will it will pass. Everything pass everything's temporary.

[00:19:28]>> Everything is temporary.

[00:19:29]>> Yeah, it's true. Also I'm very I I'm very practice my gratitude. Every night I get in bed, I say thank you for like everything that I've had in the day that I'm grateful for, for my family, for everything. I do that every night. I might be a bit negative throughout the day. Every [laughter] time I get in bed, >> gratitude hits.

[00:19:48]>> Yeah, I end on a high.

[00:19:50]>> And also, I've actually changed my screen saver, you know, >> to like affirmations.

[00:19:56]>> Did you? I literally did that the other day, Kate.

[00:19:59]>> So, at night, it goes to sleep, but it's got the like the full moon in the background. So, I changed that. So every night it's just darker and more chill.

[00:20:07]So yeah, >> mine I ripped down like like five positive affirmations. Well, it's locked now cuz it's on do not disturb.

[00:20:14]>> And I read them. Then every time I look at my home screen when I put it on, I read them first of all.

[00:20:18]>> Nice.

[00:20:19]>> Very good method for like changing the mood as well.

[00:20:22]>> Love that.

[00:20:22]>> Pick up the phone all the time, don't we? So yeah, it's important.

[00:20:25]>> Okay. Well, hasn't hasn't actually worked that well this week. [laughter] I'm pushing for >> Give it another week, Kate.

[00:20:31]>> I'm like reading these affirmations like [laughter] Please. Okay. You two love birds. Are we ready for this dilemma?

[00:20:38]>> Yes.

[00:20:38]>> Been ready.

[00:20:39]>> Okay. Amazing. My son from a previous relationship is 20. He dropped out of university last year because he realized it wasn't for him. He's been back living at home for the last 6 months while he figures out his next steps. He hasn't lived with us since he was 14, but he hasn't been getting on with his mom, so that wasn't an option. I've been with my wife for 10 years, and we have two kids together. And for the last few months, she's been saying we need to give him a deadline to move out. I don't think that's fair, as it's quite hard out there at the moment, but it's become a constant argument between us. We've had to support him financially, which comes up every day, and the things we've had to cut since he's been here. Recently, his girlfriend stayed over. She left early the next morning, and we both saw her leave. It wasn't a big deal to me, me, but my wife was furious. She told my son he wasn't allowed to have his girlfriend stay over while he was living under our roof. He simply said, "Okay."

[00:21:30]But somehow that annoyed her even more.

[00:21:32]She said she didn't trust how easily he accepted it. And now she's insisting he has to move out. She's even threatened to take our younger children and stay at her mom's if I don't give him a deadline. I feel completely stuck. I don't want to undermine my wife, but I also don't think it's right to push my son away. Any advice? There's a lot of different things moving. There's a long dilemma.

[00:21:53]>> Yeah, >> I was a bit tongue tied in the middle of it.

[00:21:56]>> Shall [laughter] I start? Let me say something. I I feel like the wife's the wife's response seems very disproportionate >> to what's going on, right? And I think that there's something else. There's there's another issue. It's not just that he's there and they've had to cut back a bit. I feel like potentially there's another issue there with the wife because it feels to me very extreme that she would be willing to move out with her two children and go and live at her mom's house. So, you're taking offense to a 20-year-old being in your home who's your son, but you're called to go with your grown self and your two children into your mom's house.

[00:22:40]>> You see like the irony in that situation? I didn't even think of it like that.

[00:22:45]>> So, I feel like there's something else going on there. Does she not feel safe in the house with him? Does he she think that he doesn't like her? Does she feel deeply uncomfortable in her home? Just feels like very disproportionate and clearly the dad, the person who wrote in with the dilemma is oblivious because he's saying that it's these issues that he's calling out. But you know when somebody says okay and it enrages you, it's not the okay, it's the person. It's the person that's enraging you because it's such an it's an inoffensive response. I've heard you. Okay, fine. So why are you pushing even further? Why is that enraging her? So it just feels like there's something to unpack in this.

[00:23:33]>> Yeah, I agree with everything you're saying, but I just have to say I have been known to be enraged by an okay before.

[00:23:40]>> [laughter] >> Let's unpack this case.

[00:23:42]>> I know.

[00:23:44]>> Why were you enraged by the Okay, cuz [laughter] cuz sometimes, let's just put it out there. And okay, I'm not saying she's right.

[00:23:51]>> Hench brother energy. [laughter] [gasps] >> Oh my god, it [laughter] is. I'm turning into the hench brother.

[00:24:02]>> Teenage hench brother attitude. Yeah, [laughter] it's right on quue.

[00:24:07]>> Do you know? Okay, it is a bit I don't agree with a lot of things she's doing by the way. Let's just on this point.

[00:24:12]Okay. Is a very quite dismissive. If you say to someone like why have you done that? Can you not do that again? Okay.

[00:24:18]>> You would expect more from them. Maybe >> you want to or no? Or I don't want to rant. Okay, listen. I shouldn't have done that. I didn't mean to disrespect.

[00:24:27]You want a little bit more, not just a blunt. It's like you're having a go at your man or he's done something or anyone they go okay. It's a bit dismissive.

[00:24:36]>> Yes. depend on the circumstance. I think the issue is is that he's 20 and she's got some issue around his age.

[00:24:44]Obviously, she's known him for quite a long time.

[00:24:46]>> They've been together for >> since he was 10. Since he was 10. So, >> they obviously don't have a great foundation.

[00:24:53]>> What's the reason for that? Whether it could be the dad in terms of how he treats his son because he seems a little entitled to some degree. Obviously, he's living with them now. Age 20, dropped out of university. it happens, you know, but in terms of where he's going, there's no clear direction for the son.

[00:25:08]That doesn't seem to be very clear.

[00:25:10]>> But I think it's about the relationship between the the the stepmom and the dad in terms of what does that look like and what are the expectations on him because it doesn't seem to be very clear. So, it seems like he's kind of just floating around. Dad's kind of feeling sorry for him or, you know, I've just had to take my responsibility on because he can't go home. M >> there might be an issue between him and women in terms of the the son because he's not he can't go back home.

[00:25:38]>> Oh, okay.

[00:25:39]>> So, why can't he go back home?

[00:25:40]>> Yeah. Because he's falling out with his mom.

[00:25:42]>> Yeah. So, if you're 20, you're more inclined to go back home to your mom >> if things are not working out. So, that's obviously not a safe space for him.

[00:25:53]>> Yeah, that's true.

[00:25:54]>> So, there's something there for sure.

[00:25:56]>> Your mom don't want you and your stepmom don't want you.

[00:26:00]Yeah, but your dad's doing his best. But is it enough?

[00:26:08]>> The thing is is like you can't make a a man kick out his son. No. Yeah. He shouldn't have had the he shouldn't have snuck the girl in, right? He shouldn't have done that. He should be respectful.

[00:26:17]There's younger children in the house.

[00:26:18]It should be a discussion.

[00:26:20]>> But but also what I think of course the dynamic is going to change. If any person leaves the house, any family member leaves the dynamic or any family member comes back in, the whole dynamic changes. Yeah.

[00:26:32]>> Cuz there's more people. At the moment, it seems like it's quite a young house.

[00:26:35]Now they've got a 20-year-old. He's got different interests. He might be staying up late. He might be cooking late. He might be getting in late. He might be just disrupting the flow of the house. I know. I've just had Lorenz and Tate here. [laughter] >> I haven't changed. Sorry. Not not not disruptive. They're going to clip that up. That's going to be on the mail tomorrow.

[00:26:53]>> [laughter] >> is so destructive. No, what I mean sorry is is like it just it interrupts the like it changes the flow of the house.

[00:27:01]At the moment I've got quite a young house. My kids go to bed at 7:30. Me and Tia do our own little thing. We've got our flow. Lorenz and Tate might sleep in late. They might cook late. And you just have to adapt to that.

[00:27:12]>> Yeah >> and come to your own set of understandings. So it's got to be a massive change for her house and she's used to running it how she wants to run it.

[00:27:18]>> Yeah. don't seem to be clear expectations of what that is and if because she's surprised about the the girlfriend staying over, but also they make reference to cutbacks that they've cut back on certain things. So, this is a lifestyle um kind of impact in terms of what they might be spending money on.

[00:27:37]>> Yeah.

[00:27:38]>> Might not be going on holidays. I don't know what they've cut back on. So, this this might be something. How much uh investment are they making into this 20-year-old son? how much is he contributing financially or in terms of what he does in terms of his responsibilities if he has those. So, I just think there needs to be clear definitions of what they expect of each other and having that really honest candid conversation because it just seems like they're they're communicating in silos or they're not even communicating at all.

[00:28:05]>> Yeah, very true. So that's uh I think it's you have to in this moment you have to treat them as adults until they're not acting like adults and at that age 20 you need to start teaching them what life is actually about you know responsibilities bills and having conversations around what contribution looks like if it can't be financial >> it's all about your efforts as well like is he taking out the bins every Wednesday you know is he mowing the grass like I'm talking about Cam here but [laughter] but these are the things yeah I know literally cam roll but again, what are you doing to contribute to the household? So, if I see those efforts and you don't have everything figured out, which you shouldn't at 20, you know, there's adults that are 40 don't have it figured out, what are we working towards? You know, where are we going? He's dropped out of university for a reason that's not worked out. Is he looking at apprentichips? Is he looking at different things? So, >> you know, I think those conversations need to be had and understand where he's at >> and why he's in the situation that he's in and how best we can support you um from this standpoint, but >> he's not. Yeah. Go on.

[00:29:07]>> No, I was going to say such a good point around like expectations as well because if she's picking up after him too, >> for example, like if there's additional labor for her to do okay.

[00:29:18]>> Yeah. And it's an extra adult that's in the house. She's doing more. She's cooking more dinners. She's cleaning up after everybody. Like she's continuing to like she's cutting back on her luxuries and her duties and effort have increased.

[00:29:36]I can see how that could build a lot of resentment and how really open conversations need to happen around that. Yeah. cuz there is a tone an undertone of that I totally get why why dad is you know in in defense of his son and he said that it's hard out here and you know they he's figuring things out but it does to your point sound like there just needs to be a little more decisiveness a few more plans that are locked in and a bit more of like you know some future steps that they're working towards rather than is just >> there Yeah, it is hard, but you got to have conversations as to why it's hard out there and how are you going to give him the best foundation. That's also what the parents have to do. It's evident that he doesn't have that foundation.

[00:30:22]>> Because if he did have that foundation, I'm not saying that children that drop out university don't have a foundation.

[00:30:27]But if he had a foundation and he was clear on what he wanted to do, dropping out at 20, which I assume then he's done two years, he's got one more year left.

[00:30:35]>> So therefore, from a dad's perspective, why are we not encouraging him to finish that? because now you've accumulated two years of student loan debt >> and now you it's going to further compound your financial situation. So it might just be feeling low. You might be depressed as well. Um that might be a challenge. Just doesn't know where he wants to go. So >> so many young people are depressed. Oh yeah, aren't they? It's a it's a epidemic at the moment.

[00:30:58]>> He's 20 now. So he he he was what 13 14 during CO.

[00:31:03]>> Yeah.

[00:31:03]>> So you got to think about that as well in terms of isolation. um the lack of support, the lack of social skills, being cooped up in your house and having bubbles at schools and all this different stuff. Like those are really impactful. So, we've got to think about that and how that may have impacted um this young man because when did he go off to university? Was at the age of 18?

[00:31:23]Again, that's another important question. How rocky was it at home? Cuz he can't go back home now. So, there's a lot of questions here that need to be really faced headon and need to be asked. I think we just need to empower young people to be able to express themselves in safe spaces and you've got to facilitate that and that is super challenging. That is so difficult especially when it's your own. If a young person outside the home comes to you and says look this is what's going on. It's totally different. But at home they're going to hide and young boys in particular are going to masquerade and they're going to pretend that things are okay.

[00:31:56]>> And that's probably what he's doing.

[00:31:57]>> Yeah. Yeah. And also but he does he feel safe at home with his stepmom? You must be catching the vibes. If you're living with someone and they're not feeling you, you can feel those vibes.

[00:32:08]>> Yeah.

[00:32:09]>> Yeah. Yeah.

[00:32:10]>> 100%.

[00:32:11]>> And vice versa.

[00:32:11]>> If she is saying that she's going to move out with her two kids, >> like this is quite extreme.

[00:32:17]>> Yeah.

[00:32:17]>> This is quite an extreme step. She's going to break up her own family because of this boy. So surely there's more.

[00:32:24]There's more. Like you said, Nat, there's got to be more to this story.

[00:32:27]Doesn't make sense.

[00:32:28]>> There has to. And my question to her would also be, is this the age that you would expect your daughters to move out, too? So, is this the limit that we're going to put on the girls? She's got two girls. Is this the limit that we're going to put on them leaving leaving the house?

[00:32:44]>> Are we going to give them a deadline of 20 21?

[00:32:47]>> 20's young.

[00:32:48]>> It's very young.

[00:32:49]>> In this day and age, 20 is young. Like, you can't get do much at 20. It's so expensive to move out. The cost of living is so expensive. Like I think at 20 I I keep begging I wish I say to Tia if you move out before you're 23 oh I'm gonna have a breakdown I [laughter] move at 18.

[00:33:07]>> I'm moving now at 18. You know when you're young you always say I'm moving at 18.

[00:33:09]>> Yeah >> and you're like and then you never do like I stayed at home till I was like 24 or something like that. But yeah that's a ve that's a very very young age. We're expecting a lot of him. He needs guidance. He needs support and he needs to potentially sort out his behavior and respect the house, respect the lady of the house, respect his younger siblings.

[00:33:27]>> Absolutely.

[00:33:28]>> But again, it's a conversation >> because if you're going to let him get away with it, is the dad pulling him up enough?

[00:33:33]>> That wasn't something I was going to raise as well. But also, I think when we talk about 20 year olds today and 20 year olds when we were young, totally different.

[00:33:41]>> Yeah, >> totally different. More informed, aware of what they were doing, the workforce was a lot easier to get into. It's so much more challenging. So that delayed adolescence that we we see now in young people that's going to 25 to 30. When we talking about young people from a mentivity perspective, we're saying 8 to 30 >> because young people at the age of 30 now exhibiting the same kind of traits as people that are were 20. It's very challenging.

[00:34:08]>> It's very challenging, you know, that are 20 and younger because they haven't matured in certain ways. And also there's a lack of resilience in young people now because there's a lack of challenge. who think about education or constructive challenge or structured challenge as well and a supportive environment. When I was younger, we had a lot more mentors and people that were here to talk about how do you feel, how do you see your life and etc. And that was something you could practice. Now because of austerity, lack of support in education, schools becoming, you know, more like businesses, theirmies, they don't really care about that pastoral support. So they're not getting that.

[00:34:42]moving out of 20 in this day and age, you will still be financially supporting him if he doesn't have his own stable income and savings. There still it doesn't just he's not just going to move out and then they cut him off for good if they want him to have any kind of like solid foundation to launch into adulthood from. So, I don't know why she thinks that getting him to move out all of a sudden the financial burden will end as well because that isn't quite the case until he kind of figures out his financial situation.

[00:35:19]>> And I think they need to be cognizant of that. It's another conversation that needs to be had.

[00:35:24]>> Do you know what I mean?

[00:35:25]>> Yeah.

[00:35:25]>> Yeah. It's like we say, it's all about conversations. Even if he gets a job tomorrow, he can't move out. He's got to save. He's got Where where does she think he's going? like he's going to take years to save to move out and but may maybe it's down to his mom as well.

[00:35:39]Where's his mom? Is his mom supporting him in any way? Is she feeling bitter around that?

[00:35:44]>> Right. So maybe she's like I'm here cutting back and I saw on Facebook that Sally [laughter] was in Portugal, you know, like I'm not having a holiday this year. She's probably feeling a little bit of that going on.

[00:35:57]>> Yeah. Yeah. It's um Yeah. I I think her relationship with the son is non-existent. If you feel imagine saying to Cam from your perspective, >> I want you out.

[00:36:10]>> I stuck for a laugh.

[00:36:11]>> I want you out. You know, and that means that you don't really have any care or you know, there's no duty of care there.

[00:36:18]Like you're not actually really co-arenting cuz you're saying, "Look, I don't really care. I want you out of my house because I'm not getting what I need." But I think maybe she might be selfish personally. I think she's quite selfish because if you know what's going on and you've got two younger children, you wouldn't want that for them. So, why would you want that for your your husband's child? I think she's quite selfish personally cuz I would never put someone in that position. And the fact that you're willing to sacrifice your marriage because you don't get what you want. I think you're selfish.

[00:36:48]>> Mike, >> yeah, I think you might be right actually cuz I don't think you should see a child on the street. No, no.

[00:36:54]>> I mean, unless he's abu like doing something abusive to the children or like something very very extreme, >> I I don't see why he shouldn't be in the house and they can't work towards sorting it out. I don't think if if someone done that to me with my child, >> I could never forgive them. If I was that dad, I don't think I would I wouldn't want to be married to her.

[00:37:12]>> Definitely not.

[00:37:13]>> If you disrespect my child like that, like no way.

[00:37:15]>> No way.

[00:37:17]>> Okay. So, what is our Can we wrap that up?

[00:37:20]>> What do we think? Need to have a really honest conversation. and let her get it all out and tell you how create a safe space for your wife to tell you how she really feels about her relationship with your son, >> about the sacrifices that she's making and >> and where she can find the common ground.

[00:37:41]>> Yeah.

[00:37:41]>> And I think the understanding and that also that unfortunately the dad's in the middle of the situation. So he has to be the catalyst for those conversations. He has to approach both his wife and his son around that and then bring them together. He has to do that because otherwise there's going to be no progress at all.

[00:37:59]>> Okay, very well said. Right, let's get into our second dilemma. I've been with my husband for 7 years. I have a 15year-old son from a previous relationship and he has a 14year-old son. They've grown up together and for years they're more like brothers than stepbros. But over the last year, my son has completely changed. He started hanging around with a new group of friends, staying out later than he should, hiding things from us, spending hours locked in his room and watching things online that I'm not comfortable with. His attitude has become awful, and I can barely recognize him. The hardest part is that my stepson has started changing, too. He's copying my son. He's asking to go out more, answering back, becoming secretive, and starting to push boundaries that he never used to. My husband is convinced it's because of my son. And if I'm honest, I can't completely disagree. I know my son isn't a bad kid. I think he's trying to fit in and impress the wrong people. But I can see the influence he's having on his stepbrother, and it's breaking my heart.

[00:38:58]It's causing arguments between me and my husband because it feels like his son is changing because of mine. I feel defensive because he's my child, but deep down I know there is some truth in what he's saying. I [snorts] feel guilty and I feel like I've let everyone down.

[00:39:12]We're trying to parent as a team, but it's getting harder not to point fingers. I'm terrified this is going to damage our marriage. How do you protect both boys while protecting my relationship at the same time? Oh, >> this is such I hate to say this sounds inappropriate, but this is such a good dilemma.

[00:39:31][laughter] >> Sorry, I wasn't expecting her to say that.

[00:39:37]>> This is some good ass content.

[00:39:39][laughter] >> [laughter] >> This is my life.

[00:39:48][gasps and sighs] >> No, it is a very good dilemma, but it's a lot there. I don't even know what to say to be honest with you.

[00:39:54]>> Yeah, >> it's a lot to unpick.

[00:39:55]>> Do you want to hold that so you can refer to it as well?

[00:39:57]>> Oh, hang on a minute. He's stepped up a notch. He's holding >> I'm in the game now. I'm in the game.

[00:40:02][laughter] You've been promoted.

[00:40:08]This is um yeah what what you >> I don't know what to say. I was a bit of an unruly teenager and could anyone fit and so were you nuts and could anyone >> you were I was too >> no if they could.

[00:40:24]>> Unruliness is part of it's part of growing like pushing boundaries.

[00:40:29]>> That's what teenagers do.

[00:40:30]>> It's pushing back and being a little bit insufferable. It's part of being a teenager, isn't it? Right. That's how like we >> And you know what happens? Parents forget their teenage years sometimes and what they were like >> and we have to take ourselves back to that and try and put ourselves in the shoes of being teens in this totally different age. But we have to try and do that. And it's very difficult when you've gone past that because everything as a teenager is pretty irrational.

[00:40:58]>> Yes.

[00:40:59]>> Everything's about dopamine, about the next fix, you know, what makes me feel good. And it's about me me. like we we have to remember that but they can't start blaming each other because they can't they have to be a team in this >> once you start blaming then that just makes an open forum for everybody you know >> like the point around his son and my son these children have grown up together and they have both clearly co-parented them together if they've grown grown up as brothers so my first observation with this dile dilemma is why are they referring to oh your son my son these These are our sons, [clears throat] >> right? And I think approaching it through that lens and from that perspective >> will completely change the dynamic.

[00:41:43]Language is so powerful and how they talk about the boys will change how they approach the challenges with the boys.

[00:41:50]>> Yeah.

[00:41:50]>> And also change how she feels that guilt. There must be some shame going on. You know what I mean? Like it will change that for her because she's talking about their children, not >> your son, my son. That is like my first observation >> why that's so important in terms of >> it's about belonging.

[00:42:09]>> When you're a teenager, it's always about belonging. If you don't feel like you belong in the home, you're going to go and look for it even more so outside the home. You're going to look for it anyway, but you're going to be driven towards more negative influences or things that are more risk, you know, in terms of risk takingaking. You're going to really navigate towards that. So, I think it's about what you're cultivating at home. I think it's is so important >> about us now as a belonging as a family.

[00:42:33]Our identity is important. Like who are we first and foremost because if anything happens out there, >> we have to deal with it here.

[00:42:41]>> And if you don't create that foundation straight off the bat and they don't understand that they can be a part of that, then you're going to just have division. You're going to have division and they're going to just do what they want.

[00:42:50]>> Yeah.

[00:42:51]>> Yeah.

[00:42:51]>> Yeah. Both of your points are so valid.

[00:42:53]Like I don't think the children should be called yours and hers. That is actually mental. I'm just thinking now if that happened in our house if one of the kids were naughty I'd be like your kid Rio. You see you're [laughter] one you're three. They're a nightmare. Like you just wouldn't. They're just we've brought up these five kids and they're acting up and we've got to sort it out cuz we're we're both to blame here basically.

[00:43:14]>> But also around the point of like belonging that's massive.

[00:43:18]>> And the only thing that I'm just not sure on is she says you know he's in his room watching things he shouldn't. As a parent, I feel like your teenagers are going to hate you if you put boundaries in. Yeah.

[00:43:29]>> But there's certain things that you have to do and they're going to hate you.

[00:43:32]They're going to get pissed off at you.

[00:43:33]You're going to feel really guilty. It's going to be uncomfortable. But you need to take back some control of this teenager.

[00:43:40]>> Like he's 14 or he's 15. You you there needs to be rules in the house. He can't sit in his room and do this. He has to be home by a certain time. And if he's not, he's not going out tomorrow. has to be things that he abides to otherwise he's just running wild.

[00:43:54]>> That's a what a lot of parents and people in general they try to avoid conflict and especially with their children and that's positive conflict cuz you have to have boundaries in the long term because otherwise they're not going to respect you and if they don't respect you at home they're going to respect anything outside the home. So you have to make sure that you're doing that and you have to be consistent with that with young people and children especially teenagers. It's about routine that the more you enforce something the more they're going to respect it. If you are like, "All right, yeah, well, today you can go in it and then tomorrow you try to ban them." They'd be like, "You're not serious, so why am I even listening to you, so I'm going to do what I want anyway." We have to put controls um around certain things, especially from a duty of care perspective as a parent, that you have to make sure that you're protecting your children from certain things online. So, you can turn off your Wi-Fi. You that's easy to do. You know, you can put on parental controls and things like that.

[00:44:41]You can even see what they're they're looking at and have conversations. Why are you watching these things? Because we know especially young boys, they're going to watch what they want, you know, and they're going to watch things that are not really um relevant for their age, but they you got to understand what the motivation is, you know, especially around that pornography and things like that. Have those conversations. It's uncomfortable, like we all know that, but we have to have the conversations at home first and foremost before they go out there and try to discover it for themselves. And then next minute, you've got a baby on the way.

[00:45:09]>> Yeah.

[00:45:09]>> You know what I mean? So, yeah. So, >> that escalated quickly [laughter] >> and then there's another level of guilt.

[00:45:15]So you have to actually do what you can.

[00:45:18][laughter] >> Your son made us grandparents.

[00:45:23][laughter] >> But um no, it's um yeah, it's mad. It's you've really got to be more forthright with your children and you've got to be willing for them not to like you. Like I don't care if my child doesn't like me cuz I'm doing the right thing.

[00:45:39]>> It's hard that though sometimes because I do agree with you. M I say I don't care if you don't like me cuz I'm doing the right thing. But I do care.

[00:45:47]>> I do I do care because I I want them to love me. Like especially the teenagers, they're they're my step kids obviously.

[00:45:53]I want you to love me, but >> you're not going to like me because I've still got to do what's right for you.

[00:45:57]And I think that's hard as a parent cuz it's that initial like instant conflict and uncomfortable feeling for the betterment of their life. And sometimes you can't >> people don't want to go through that.

[00:46:07]>> Yeah. I >> I do think they respect you in the long run.

[00:46:10]>> 100%. Sometimes I do defer to say for certain things because I don't want Cameron. [laughter] I don't want to just keep moaning at him about the same thing over and over again. And then I'm just like I just don't want him to not like me. So I'll be like say he needs to talk to your son about [laughter] blah blah blah.

[00:46:29]>> My son, you see my son.

[00:46:32]>> He's your son when he's naughty.

[00:46:34]>> Don't listen to [laughter] him.

[00:46:36]>> He does listen.

[00:46:37]>> Yeah. No, not saying Cam don't listen to my son.

[00:46:41]Yeah. So, no, it's it is challenging, but you've also got to be careful around those dynamics. You have to take responsibility whether you're a stepmom or a mom in terms of having those difficult conversations at certain points because then your child will not respect you. And also, we're we're thinking potentially down the line if they do have children.

[00:47:00]>> This is what we're modeling as parents >> that okay, we're going to avoid the difficult conversations. So now you're going to do this across your life, you know, even as you know, a parent, but also in society. Like we we we're setting them up to fail and we have to really try to cultivate that that space for learning, you know, for our children. And that's all part and parcel of it. Like think about when we were younger, there were certain things we couldn't do. I couldn't go out at certain time and then my younger brother, he was allowed to go out later than me.

[00:47:26]>> So he was coming in at 11:00. I had to come in at 10:00 and I'm the oldest. And I'm like, >> you you were weward >> a little [laughter] bit. A little bit.

[00:47:32]But you know, you got to put these boundaries in and those boundaries are reflective of who your child is. So >> you got to do it and and even the friends, the whole peer group thing, >> that's going to happen, but conversations got to be had. You know, are these friends going to be with you if you know things go wrong? Probably not.

[00:47:49]>> So her question is, how do how do you protect both boys while protecting your relationship at the same time?

[00:47:55]Protecting both boys should be protecting your relationship.

[00:48:00]>> Yeah. Like the the two things are not exclusive. No, >> she thinks that they're separate, but actually they're not. They're the same thing.

[00:48:07]>> Yeah, agreed. You have to have a strong foundation together as partners to be like, "Right, we're going to do this. We have to be united front."

[00:48:16]>> The minute you show division, you show weakness, >> children pick up on that straight away.

[00:48:20]Like, you've probably seen it. Like, if you disagree in front of children or disagree, they know >> and they be like, "Right, I'm going to play them off of each other now." Cuz children are smart. They're smarter than we give them credit for. They are very intelligent and they can pick up on energy and know things are not right.

[00:48:35]So, they'll just play you against each other.

[00:48:37]>> I have a scenario that I want to talk about, but I'm not going to talk about it here. I'm going to put it in the circle [laughter] cuz it's a little bit sensitive.

[00:48:46]>> Okay. Yes. I love that, Natalie. We're going to be having more content on the blended circle community. I'm a bit nervous. What is she going to say?

[00:48:53]>> Don't know what she's looking at me. cuz you know you know the situation. But I'm not even I'm not even going to mention it on here. I'm going to take it to the circle so we can talk about it in the community instead of >> on the streets. [laughter] >> Yeah, I love that. Well, I was going to say I feel like I can be a t here.

[00:49:13]You're kind of like a little bit exposed. Don't get me wrong, I'm very honest, but over there there's just a little bit more of a layer of protection that >> you can say a little bit more. So, yeah.

[00:49:23]I was just going to say something as well. Oh yeah, that was it. In regards to the parenting, I I don't know if this is the right thing to do, but sometimes I just go really extreme.

[00:49:32]>> Yeah.

[00:49:32]>> Sometimes everyone's pushed me to my limit >> and I've got to really rain down on these little humans and it's going to be really hard and then they hate it and then I have to have a firm discussion say it's not nice like this, is it? I don't like it. You don't like it. So, in order for it to get a bit better, we're going to have to come to some kind of like agreement. Yeah. Because it's not like living like this.

[00:49:56]>> Yeah.

[00:49:57]>> Because blah blah blah. So, sometimes I go to an extreme to then pull it back a little bit. But she's gone that the pair of them as a couple need to sit down with the kids and say, "This is not happening anymore. This does not happen under our roof. Have some authority."

[00:50:11]>> Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. It that's also a key point. But also not everything can be solved in house. Sometimes you need out outside voices that those children do respect in terms of aunties, uncles, friends to have those conversations because sometimes it just doesn't land.

[00:50:31]>> Yeah. And that's one of the things like I've seen it like this is one of the thing I talk about from a mentivity perspective like we have to be able to give time to other people's children cuz our voices can have more of an impact on other people's children than those voices in the home. So like I've seen it even with my own son. I would tell him to do something and I'd be like look maybe try this or try that. And he'd be like no no no. And then literally 5 minutes later my brother would say the same thing. He'd be like yeah that's it [laughter] yeah thanks Frank thanks uncle. Yeah you're the man. And I'm saying they're like what? Like so that is really important and that's where we have to build that community outside the home >> and that village around the children because sometimes those situations just cannot be solved because you're too vested in it and you're too emotional around it. So you're not always going to think or see things, you know, in a way that you might if you're outside the home.

[00:51:20]>> Yeah. Yeah. That's such a good point and we we forget about that. We don't talk about that a lot, but even with our kids growing up, we've utilized like aunties, uncles, granddads, cuz sometimes, like you're saying, it just doesn't hit. They just they just zoned you out, haven't they? Really? They [laughter] zoned you out. They're like, "Oh, Kate's talking again." Like, "Wow, [laughter] wow, 100%."

[00:51:45]But why do kids not like take what their parents say? They like I can't explain.

[00:51:51]For example, like even this week, Tate was training and he was training at 7:00. It's 40° here, by the way. So, why don't you train at 6:00 all week? I sent to him. Yeah. No, no, no. On the last day he trained at six, he went, "Unbelievable. Got to do that next time.

[00:52:05][laughter] [gasps] >> I've been telling you to do that for the last 10 days."

[00:52:10]>> Yeah.

[00:52:11]>> But they just don't. What is that?

[00:52:13]>> It's resistance. Teenagers have an inherent kind of um connection to resistance. If we think about young people and movements over the histories, if it stems from young people saying, "This is enough, and I don't really care what you've got to say. I don't care about your experience. I'm going to do what I'm going to do, and I'm going to do it anyway. I'm going to figure it out." And that's what being a teenager is, isn't it? Like, you have to have that trial and error aspect of it and be like, "Okay, fair enough. Yeah, you're right now because I've tried it my way for 6 months, a week, etc." But they just they I don't want to say rebellious. I think that's a wrong word, but they like challenging the structures that are around them and the systems and the processes.

[00:52:53]>> Does that have something to do with creating their independence that they're doing it their way and they are making decisions? Like you're you're freshly into not being told, not having to adhere to being told what to do constantly.

[00:53:08]>> You've got this new found freedom where you actually have a bit of autonomy over your life. So, it's like, no, I'm I decide when I'm going to train. Like, you've been telling Tate what to do for the past however many years. Now, finally, he he can decide what time he's going to train. Even though yours made more sense, he's going to default to, "Oh, no, no, no. I'm going to do it at 7 because I can."

[00:53:32]>> Yeah. Independence.

[00:53:34]>> And, you know, another thing as parents, we have to upskill ourselves as well.

[00:53:36]So, reading around these things are important. When Cam was a teenager, someone recommended a book called The Teenage Brain and I read the book and I was like, "Ah, this all makes sense. It all makes sense because you think about the hormones and all these different things that they're going through. Like, you just don't even factor it in." So, sometimes trying to rationalize it from your perspective doesn't work. But again, having that outside influence or trying to educate yourself is important because we always think that we have the answers, but some sometimes we just don't.

[00:54:04]>> You ain't got the answers, sway.

[00:54:05][laughter] Sorry. I think I need to read that book because I know I was a we were all teenagers. We all know what teenagers are like, but still when you're dealing with them sometimes they're jarring.

[00:54:16]>> Yeah, 100%. [laughter] >> Like >> I ain't got time for this.

[00:54:20]>> Do what I said. For God's sake, please.

[00:54:22][laughter] >> Do you know what I mean?

[00:54:24]>> You got you got to watch them fail and know that it's part of their growth >> and that's jarring.

[00:54:30]>> Yeah.

[00:54:30]>> Cuz you could have just listened.

[00:54:32]>> Yeah. But then it becomes a dictatorship.

[00:54:34]>> Yeah. If you keep telling them all the time, then they're never going to be able to think more critically. And that's one of the things that we we have issues with is that young people are not taught to make decisions and then when they get to the age of 18 will like make a decision.

[00:54:45]>> Do you know what's more more jarring than a defiant teenager? an adult that has no common sense and can't make a decision for themselves and needs to be told constantly what to do because they've never practiced any like they haven't honed their independence and their common sense.

[00:55:04]>> That is jarring.

[00:55:05]>> That's more jarring.

[00:55:05]>> I have zero. So, we've got a lot of people responsible for that who didn't challenge their their teenagers.

[00:55:12]>> That is jarring.

[00:55:13]>> Yeah. Okay. Just let them get on with it then. Just let them be jarring.

[00:55:17]>> [laughter] >> Yes.

[00:55:18]>> To a point.

[00:55:20]>> Jar heads.

[00:55:21]>> Yeah. No, it's mad because you want them to be independent. We we have kids or we've got step kids and you want them to be independent. You want them to be able to look after themselves, make decisions for themselves, but you do want to help them a bit along the way, but they don't want your help. And then that's just frustrating. It just prolongs lots of different situations. I can't explain it. And you are still expect to pick up the pieces a little bit, but I suppose that's just part of it >> of being a parent. We have to let them.

[00:55:44]And then that's part of like letting them grow. and you've just got to sit back and watch. But that that is a difficult adjustment when you go from like teenager uh young kids like eight nine 10 to then and helping them with everything to then teenagers and you've actually got to watch them fail in front of you and figure it out themselves kind of thing.

[00:56:01]>> That's better. I'd rather them fail in front of me than fail out of my sight outside the home.

[00:56:06]>> It's an environment that you you've created. So I rather them fail routinely because that's where you learn.

[00:56:12]>> You know when you fail you learn. It's opportunity to learn. So that's where how I try to pose it. You know, it's not okay, you've made a mistake. Okay, what do you learn from this? And that's where we start having those conversations and getting them to think for themselves.

[00:56:24]>> Absolutely love that. Listen, anyone that is parenting teenagers, it is hard graft like they've got so many emotions, hormones, everything's going everywhere and you question yourself a lot as a parent. But I think in regards to this dilemma, what we've said, communication, setting some boundaries, and you're all one. You're not separate in this.

[00:56:45]>> Yeah.

[00:56:46]>> Yep.

[00:56:46]>> Yeah. Okay. I can't believe this is over. Say, loved having you on so much.

[00:56:52]>> Appreciate it.

[00:56:53]>> Loved hearing about mentivity. Love seeing that. Look at her smile. Look at that.

[00:56:58]>> You have to come down see it one day.

[00:56:59]>> Yes.

[00:57:01]>> I'd absolutely I'd absolutely love to 100% would come down. Maybe we can do like a live blended from there or something. Little little record. Get some of the teenagers on. Absolutely.

[00:57:12]So, thank you. would love that.

[00:57:14]>> Absolutely. Let's do it. You heard it here. We're 100% going to do that. Um and yeah, thank you everyone for listening. Thank you Sace and Nats for being here today. Natalie is going to share some of her not quite sure what she's going to share, but she's going to share that in the blended circle community. So, if you haven't already joined, it is currently free to do so at the moment. There's a free trial. You can find the link to that in the bio, the blended bio on Instagram or my Instagram or it should be in the show notes below. So, thank you everyone for watching today. Please remember to send in your dilemas via the blended Instagram. Um, and we'll be here at the same time next Wednesday, 7:00 a.m.

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