12 Signs You Have Anxious Attachment Style as a Gay Man

[00:00:00]These are 12 signs that you have gay anxious attachment style.

[00:00:07]Me. It is me. It is I.

[00:00:12]But what is anxious attachment style?

[00:00:16]Those with anxious attachment style crave closeness but also fear abandonment. This may lead to behaviors such as jealousy, neediness, and seeking constant reassurance. In a gay relationship, an anxious partner might sometimes misinterpret their partner's late reply to a text as a sign of disinterest.

[00:00:37]Me, for example, a research study found that 65% of people with anxious attachment styles reported feeling insecure in relationships. Anxious attachment often leads to overcommunication or dramatic expressions of need. Partners may use dramatic gestures to gain attention, which can lead to confusion. A study found that anxious communicators are three times more likely to misinterpret their partner's intentions resulting in unnecessary emotional distress. So number one is difficulty in trusting others. Now this may apply to a lot of people, not all just anxious attachment style people. Like I personally struggle with trusting people. And if you've watched any of my videos, you would know why. I've been through a lot growing up gay in the early 2000s. So my trust level is like at a negative a thousand when I meet somebody and it takes me a long time to actually trust them.

[00:01:35]Whether I show that to them or not is to be seen or whatever the [ __ ] phrase is for that. But I don't I will hide a lot of like how I really feel about someone, but that's just who I am. And that might not be anything to do with having anxious attachment style, but I don't trust people easily. My wall is like 20 layers deep right there. And so it really takes a long time for me to break down those walls. So in a relationship though, I feel like I I put down the wall really quickly at first because I want them to get to know me and I want them to like me. And so I do everything in my power to make them like me. But then as the relationship goes, I actually start to put the wall up again even more because it's like, okay, well, I've given you a glimpse. You like it. All right, I'm going to put my walls back up because I don't know that I trust you yet. It's really hard. It can be really hard. And number two on this list is needing constant contact with others.

[00:02:46]I am very bad about this in a when I like somebody, if they don't reply to me within like a few hours, I automatically think that they don't like me anymore.

[00:02:57]Especially because it's 2026. I'm sorry, but if you don't respond within like a few minutes, like I know you saw the text. I know you saw it. It takes 5 seconds to respond to a text. So that is kind of what pisses me off about it.

[00:03:12]It's like if you're not going to say anything to me within if if you take 24 hours to respond to me, I'm going to just count you out because I if you like someone, I'm sorry, 24 hours in general, even just friendships is insane in this day and age. Maybe in the early 2000s you could get away with it with our little like keypad that we had to use and type through all of the letters to get to it or all the numbers to get to a letter.

[00:03:40]But nowadays it takes five whole seconds to reply to a text. You could even just heart the text. Just put a thumbs up on it. That's fine. Just acknowledge that you got the text. If you don't, I'm going to assume that you don't like me or you're talking to somebody else.

[00:04:00]Can you relate to this? Because I'm sure you can. Number three, feeling incapable of being alone.

[00:04:08]I don't necessarily fall under this category because I love being alone. I will say in the beginning of talking to someone, I am like all in. I'll spend all my money on them.

[00:04:24]I'll give them all of my time. But that has bitten me in the ass in the past because I give up all of my goals that I've been working on to make them the new goal.

[00:04:37]Them like me back.

[00:04:41]And it's funny because once they like me back, I want to be alone again. And I need my alone time back.

[00:04:50]I spend all of that time that I was spending on my goals on them to like me and then once they like me, I get back to my goals and then they end up not liking me anymore because I spend all of my time alone and don't actually want to see them as much anymore.

[00:05:09]I do, you know, give them the wrong impression at first. I do. I I make them think that I'm like super clingy and super engaged and then when they realize that I'm not those things at all truly, they're not interested. And then I'm like, why don't they like me anymore?

[00:05:28]And then once they're not interested anymore, I go back to like them being my only goal.

[00:05:35]It's a vicious cycle. It's a vicious cycle.

[00:05:40]And it's something I wish I could change. But that's just who I am. If you can't deal with me wanting to be alone.

[00:05:49]And it's funny because when I get into these like when I first start talking to these guys, they're like, "Oh, I just love how ambitious you are. Oh, I love how you're always working on your goals and you're always busy." But then when we're like in it more and then I get busy, you don't like it anymore. You say, "Oh, you don't pay attention to me anymore. you don't have time for me anymore. Well, I thought that you liked that I was like a goalgetter.

[00:06:13]Like, what is it? Do you want me to pay attention to you or do you want me to pay attention to my goals? Like, I can try to do both. You just got to give me some time because I just spent all of my time on you. And so, now I need to gain back what I've missed and catch up. And once I'm caught up, then I'll give you the time again. But no one can deal with the like time where I'm trying to catch up and then they just like don't want me anymore and then they make me chase them again. And it's like I like chasing people. It's in my nature. But there comes a point where it gets [ __ ] annoying. It really does. And so number four, number four is needing constant reassurance that you're enough.

[00:06:57]I definitely do. I mean, just going along with like the needing you to reply to my texts immediately, that is constant reassurance. Like, I need to know that you actually like me before I put my time and effort and put off everything else in my life to pay attention to you. Because if I do all of that and then you don't give me any reassurance that you like me or you just string me along or lead me on, then I'm going to be pissed and I'm gonna get anxious and I'm going to put more effort into making you notice me.

[00:07:35]But again, there comes a point where I won't spend that time anymore. Like if you put me off for too long, I'm going to say [ __ ] you and move on. Number five, feeling an intense fear of abandonment and rejection. Now, this could apply to many of the attachment styles because you may be secure, but like you may have dealt with abandonment and rejection in your past and that kind of has a little bit of an impact on how you go through with relationships and friendships.

[00:08:08]Like I feel like most of my friends have abandoned me and a lot of that has to do with me and the personality that I created after all the trauma I went through.

[00:08:22]And so when I'm talking to somebody or even making a new friend, that thought of like abandonment and them not liking me back is always in my mind. I do everything I can to make them like me, but then I'm also constantly thinking about whether they're going to abandon me. Like I think about every sentence that I say and before I say it, I'm like, if I say this, they might abandon me. And so a lot of the times I won't say the things I want to say because I'm afraid of it turning them off. And that's a problem.

[00:09:06]because I'm almost manufacturing every interaction that I have in order to get this specific outcome of them not abandoning me because I felt so abandoned by like everyone in my life for so long. And I get that it has to do with my personality most of the time and the things that I say, but it doesn't it doesn't help. Like I still will go into each relationship or friendship wondering like when are they going to leave me? When are they not going to like me anymore? If I say this one thing, are they going to hate me?

[00:09:49]It's really [ __ ] exhausting. TBH.

[00:09:53]Number six, having low self-esteem or negative self-worth. Now, I know you watch my videos and you see that most of them are negative. I mean, I'm not going to lie, that's just kind of who I am at this point. That's what's happened to me and has created this person. Like, I am negative. I have a negative view on the world because it's been so [ __ ] shitty to me. It's hard not to.

[00:10:18]And so it really has carried over into my relationships because like I said before, I'm constantly worrying about what I'm saying and what I'm doing and whether they're going to like think of me negatively.

[00:10:33]And so everything I approach, I approach it from a a negative and cynical lens.

[00:10:41]Like it's hard not to.

[00:10:44]I never know if people are like talking to me but are talking about me behind my back. I never know. I never know if you know the interaction with me was actually genuine or if like after we talk they go and talk [ __ ] about me.

[00:11:01]It's what I've dealt with my whole life.

[00:11:03]It's all that I know. Every single one of my friends in high school pretended to like me and then poof. I find out that they all made fun of me. All of them. All of them. Not just like a few.

[00:11:19]All of them talked about me behind my back.

[00:11:23]So, of course, I'm going to have low self-esteem as I grow up. It's taken me a long time to get to the point where I'm at now, where I am very confident in myself. I still have a negative worldview because I think people [ __ ] suck and they've ruined me. But I do actually have confidence now. And I do know that I'm the [ __ ] Just going to be blunt there. I know I'm the [ __ ] I know I'm great. Do I still, you know, get to the point where I can't stand most people? Yeah, I can't.

[00:11:57]Not you, though. You listen to me. You understand me.

[00:12:01]I'm thankful for you. But the mass vast majority of people that I meet, I go into it negative because I'm like, I already know what this is going to be like. I already know. And maybe that's like a self-fulfilling prophecy on my behalf. Like maybe I'm making these things happen. I I know I know that I'm a master self-sabotager, but it still just like sucks that because of how other people treat me and how I've gone through life, it gives like it gives me this low self-esteem and it makes me have this anxious attachment style towards people because I'm just I'm anxious. I'm worried about what they're going to think of me and I'm worried about them bringing back this like low self-esteem. I don't want that again. I went through my entire life until my 30s with low self-esteem and like negative about everything. I don't think the negative thing will ever go away, but it consumed so much of my life that of course all the things that I'm going to talk about are going to be negative.

[00:13:10]You know, number seven, craving intimacy or having clingy tendencies.

[00:13:17]You know, it's weird for me because I'm just we're all different. We're all our own person. You're your own person. I do crave intimacy like right in the beginning and then I kind of like get grossed out by it. Like this there's a hair on my face. Like being romantic.

[00:13:40]I like in the beginning. I I honestly I'm not going to lie. I'm romantic and I crave intimacy in the beginning because I I want you to like me and I want you to want to be with me and then once I grab you, I'm not really interested in giving you that romanticism anymore. I It kind of grosses me out. Like I remember one time my ex, he was always trying to be romantic and it's like just bro just realize like I'm not romantic.

[00:14:08]I liked it in the beginning when you were wooing me and I was wooing you, but now I don't want it. So, stop.

[00:14:16]And And you're going to be like, "Wow, no wonder you're single." I know. I know. I know my problems. That's literally why I'm talking about them with you right now. I know.

[00:14:27]And he he wanted to like surprise me one time. I can't I can't remember if it was like for a a anniversary or something, but he created this like game like this craft thing. He like crafted this game.

[00:14:40]I don't even remember what it was, but it was weird. I don't like like crafty little games. I think they're so cringe.

[00:14:49]And so he didn't get the reaction he wanted out of me. He was hoping that I'd be like, "Oh my god, baby. Like that was so sweet of you." So, and it's like if bro, you were with me for years at this point. If you understood me and knew me, which you thought you did, and I'm surprised you didn't, you would know that I would think that was cringe as hell. And so, I do crave intimacy at at first. And I am very clingy at first, like very clingy. And I do turn off a lot of guys that I talk to because I'm so clingy at first. And I mentioned this in a previous step here or a previous point here that like I am really clingy and I pay attention a lot in the beginning to get you to want me. But then once once I have you, I'm not clingy anymore. And that does throw people off. I get it. But most people don't like clingy anyway. So a part of me is like, well, if you're mad that I'm not clingy now, maybe you're clingy. You know what I mean? Like I dated this one guy for about a year and a half and I was like so clingy in the beginning that he told me he was annoyed by how clingy I was and then as soon as like he started liking me, he was so clingy and jealous and hotheaded. Like he was a Taurus. Like he was so jealous and that clinginess turned me off. So maybe he had anxious attachment style too. I don't know. I don't know. I didn't read too much into him.

[00:16:24]But yes, while I am clingy and I have anxious attachment style, it's not for very long. I'm only clingy to get the goal that I want. Number eight, struggling to set boundaries and respecting the boundaries of others.

[00:16:39]Yeah.

[00:16:42]Is this you? Because it's totally me. I push I mean I push boundaries in all facets of life. All of them. Not just relationships, friendships, family. I always have pushed boundaries because I do like to get reactions out of people and I like to see what I can get away with with each person. And so I do push boundaries like very hard and I will say things that most people won't say. Like I started talking to this guy when I moved here to Minnesota a few months ago. I didn't plan on like wanting to talk to anybody and so I didn't really want to pursue him anyway. And so I was like, you know what, let me just like have fun with this and push some boundaries and I wanted to see like could I be with this person? Maybe I could if they could like accept me for who I am. So I pushed the boundary of conspiracy and I pushed the boundary of talking about how I felt about the gay and the queer community.

[00:17:45]And not surprising at all, it turned him off. He didn't like that. He didn't like that I I claim to be LGBT and Q+ can [ __ ] off. He didn't like that. And so I pushed that boundary and it didn't work.

[00:18:01]But funny enough, after that day, he was like kind of less I could tell he was less interested in me.

[00:18:08]But when I broke it off with him, cuz I did tell him like, you know, I'm not very interested anymore. like I I have a lot going on. It's not necessarily you.

[00:18:16]And it wasn't him. It was just like I'm not ready for talking to someone right now. I'm not where I want to be mentally. I'm not where I want to be in my like life and my goals and my finances. I'm not there.

[00:18:28]I'm not ready for someone yet. And so I told him that and that was the first time that I didn't just ghost someone.

[00:18:34]And it felt good to actually tell someone that. And funny enough, after I did that and I pushed the boundaries, he basically said that he was still interested in me and when I was ready to let him know, okay, maybe this might be a good person for me. Not right now, but maybe he'll be there in the future. But I definitely do push boundaries and I'm bad about not respecting them, especially when it comes to sensitive topics. I love pushing the boundaries with sensitive topics, but I keep having hairs in my face. But at the end of the day, I need to know whether you like align with what I believe as well. I don't need you to believe exactly what I believe because I get mad when people try to push their beliefs on me. And if I don't believe them, then they hate me.

[00:19:19]I don't hate you if you don't, you know, if you still like the queer community. I don't hate you. And I'll even be friends with someone in the queer community, but it's when it's pushed on me, I don't like it. And so number nine, sacrificing your own needs and emotions to help others.

[00:19:36]Okay. Well, I mean, I literally just mentioned this in the beginning and I've mentioned this in every video you've watched about me probably that I do sacrifice every [ __ ] thing when I start liking somebody. Everything. At least for in the beginning until I got you and then I go back to what I was doing. But in the beginning, I will spend every waking minute with you if that's what you want.

[00:20:02]I will spend all of my money. All of it.

[00:20:06]All of my savings will be depleted to woo you. It is. It It's just how I am.

[00:20:14]It's just how I It's how I am with friends. I'll spend all my money on friends in order to gain the trust of them and to gain them liking me. I guess I will. And so I deplete myself completely and then I wonder why I don't like you anymore after I've done that. It's almost like I do this on purpose and then resent you for doing that to me for me doing that.

[00:20:46]And that's when I start to like not want to be with the person anymore. That's when I start to like want to be alone.

[00:20:51]And that's when I start to go back to like what I was working on and start ignoring them. It's not good, but it's just how I am. And you know, making these videos, I am working on all this stuff by actually like letting it out instead of actually going to therapy. You're my therapist essentially. And I I've I've I've tried I'm trying to work on it. I'm trying to not do this anymore. And that's why I like I was starting to with this guy in Minnesota. I was starting to like not work on my YouTube. I was like skipping YouTube videos. I was spending all of my money going out to eat with him and like buying weed together. And it was just like here we go again. I'm I'm I just moved here. I spent all this money to move here to get this job that I'm in now.

[00:21:40]And now I'm spending all of the extra money that I have on this guy. And like here we go again. I'm doing this again.

[00:21:47]And so I've got to stop that. And you've got to stop that. If you're doing the same thing, we cannot give up everything about us just to get someone to like us.

[00:21:58]We can't. We like I can't keep growing my savings back every time that I get with a guy and then a month later I don't have them anymore and now I have no savings either. It's just like that's got to stop. That's got to stop. Number 10, having a highly positive views of others. Now, this to me seems like you ignore red flags because I don't have a positive view of others. I think everybody [ __ ] sucks until I get to know them and I'm like, "Oh, you're not that bad." But to me, this means that you ignore red flags, which I do like a master. I'm a master red flag ignorer.

[00:22:35]And I'm also a red flag myself. So, it's funny that I ignore them because I know what they are. I always see the red flags. I just choose to ignore them because I want the person to like me and I want them to be with me and I ignore them and ignore them and ignore them. I spend all my money on them and then I get to know them and I'm like, "Oh [ __ ] that was a red flag. I don't like this.

[00:23:00]This is not Mm- No, no, I don't like this." [sighs] And I know you may be the same. A lot of us ignore red flags. That's not even just necessarily like an anxious attachment style thing. It is, but a lot of people ignore red flags because they want that person to be that their person. They want that person to be, you know, the idealized version of what of them. Like you want them. This is your fantasy. And so you ignore the red flags in the beginning and they're all just like yellow flags. But then once you get to know them, they're blaringly obvious and it might be too late at that point.

[00:23:41]like, "Oh, I ignored that they don't like animals and now I'm strapped to a table because they're actually a serial killer [laughter] kind of thing." And that I mean, I'm sure that's [ __ ] happened. Like, let's be real here. But don't ignore the red flags. They're red flags for a reason. Your gut is always right. If you feel in your gut that they are a red flag, your gut is right. Your gut is always right. Your subconscious is always right. So listen to it. Number 11, being highly sensitive to criticism.

[00:24:17]Wow. I mean, this is a lot of us. Most of us are sensitive to criticism. Nobody wants to feel like someone thinks of them negatively.

[00:24:26]Now, me myself, I take this to the [ __ ] extreme.

[00:24:30]Like, if I know like I will I will do everything in my power to avoid criticism. And that's just, you know, dealing with a lot of the trauma from my past of being bullied and criticized at every step of the basically every [ __ ] day until I turned like 20some.

[00:24:51]Of course, I'm very sensitive to criticism. I'm like highly highly sensitive to criticism. And so, this has definitely affected my attachment style.

[00:25:01]And this has affected how I go into relationships and friendships. Like I will put on a mask in order to be somebody that you like. Like each person that I interact with, I have a different mask for. I know exactly how to get them to like me and I know exactly how to get them to think of me in a good way. I don't want criticism. And so a lot of the things that I put forth to each person might be fabricated.

[00:25:32]I'm just being real here. like a lot of it might be fabricated.

[00:25:36]I will say there's probably very few people in my life that actually know me and one of them is actually you, weirdly enough, even though we've never met before. What you're getting right now is pretty [ __ ] honest.

[00:25:50]And I do open myself up for criticism online when I do this. I get comments every day criticizing me, but I get a majority of really great comments. And so I kind of pushed that that criticism out. But before I had a YouTube and before I had a platform, any criticism from anyone would just put me in a spiral. And especially the people that I like. Like let's say I start dating someone and when that guy told me that I was clingy, that put me in a spiral because I was like, "Wait a minute. I don't like clinginess. I don't want to be clingy. I didn't realize I was clingy. That was probably the first time that I actually realized that I was clingy and realized that I had anxious attachment style and started to think about like how did I become clingy? Why do I like this?

[00:26:44]Whatever, whatever. And I realized that oh, I'm clingy because I want them to like me at first. And that criticism, I did not like that. and criticisms from friends about who I am.

[00:27:00]And so as the years go by, I've started to craft this person and craft a persona for each person that I meet. So that way I avoid criticism.

[00:27:15]But the moment that I open up with someone that I like, I'm opening myself up for criticism. And it scares the [ __ ] out of me because I don't want it. I don't want to hear it. I don't care if it's constructive. I don't want to hear it.

[00:27:34]If I want criticism, I'll ask for it.

[00:27:36]I'll ask for your opinion. And then I'm I know what I'm getting into. I'm opening up for criticism. But when it's just thrown at me out of nowhere, I don't like it. And and you probably don't either. Who likes criticism?

[00:27:51]Truly. And the last on this list, and I fully identify with this, is showing jealous tendencies.

[00:27:59]Oh yeah. Oh lord. That's why open relationships and threesomes don't work for me because I'm extremely extremely hotheaded and jealous. And I'm not even a Taurus, but I'm very jealous. Very, very, very jealous. And a part of that is just like I want to know that you like me and only me. And if you show other people attention, I even get jealous when my boyfriends have like really good friends and they're with me and I notice how like close they are with their friend. I get jealous of that because I'm like, I want that closeness.

[00:28:35]How do I get that closeness? I don't have that. Like even with friendships, I have a hard time getting that closeness.

[00:28:42]Like I watch friend groups and I'm like, "Wow, I I don't even know what that feels like. I don't know how to be that personable with somebody. I don't know how to be just comfortable with people."

[00:28:55]Like, I see people have these amazing interactions and I'm just like, I don't even get what that feels like.

[00:29:04]And I get jealous of that, too. I get jealous of people having amazing friend groups. I get jealous when I see people go to like bridal showers and baby showers and it's like I'm not invited to those things. Like I don't have that closeness with anybody and I don't have friend groups like that. And it and it it's not even just about relationships.

[00:29:24]I get jealous of course I get jealous in relationships. I get jealous over every [ __ ] thing in a relationship. Not even if they're talking to somebody.

[00:29:32]just if they went to the store without me, I'm jealous of it. Like, it's crazy.

[00:29:38]Like, the anxious attachment style that I have is so [ __ ] strong. And it it makes sense. Like, all the [ __ ] that I've been through and that people have done to me. It's like, of course, I'm [ __ ] anxious about everything.

[00:29:53]I'm anxious because I'm worried that the version of me that I've created for you is going to fall apart and you're going to see through it. And when they see through it, I'm I'm done. Like once they see through it, I'm done. Once you see the real me, I'm done. The only reason that I'm showing you the real me is because I don't know you.

[00:30:25]I don't know you. I don't know you in person. And I might maybe some of you in person that I know are watching this, but I don't know you. And so it it doesn't like scare me to be myself here for you because I'm not worried about losing you. No offense. Like obviously I want you to watch my videos and like and all the things, but I'm also not like we're not attached.

[00:30:53]I haven't tried to woo you. Like, it feels good to tell you these things.

[00:30:59]It's almost like I do have a therapist that doesn't judge me and that I can talk to. I see that in you. You are my therapist and I appreciate you for that.

[00:31:10]And so, I'm not attached to you and so I'm not getting anxious with you. But if you were to come into the real world with me, that would be a different