Understand & Bond With Your Adolescent Child | Connection Before Correction

Added: 2026-05-25

[00:00:25]Good evening, everyone.

[00:00:28]Welcome to day 20 of mental health series.

[00:00:36]And I'm Latha.

[00:00:40]My full name is Sri Latha.

[00:00:44]I am extremely lucky that I get to work with children as a school counseling psychologist.

[00:00:55]And I also work at Sudisha Counseling Center under Geetha Chellamma.

[00:01:03]Once again, welcome everyone.

[00:01:07]So, today's topic is 10 effective strategies to understand and bond with your adolescent child.

[00:01:21]Something that we all want to and we all strive for.

[00:01:28]Isn't it?

[00:01:29]So, let's see how could we enhance it further.

[00:01:35]I will learn from you and then through chat box and post the session, while in the session, you could still interact with me.

[00:01:44]So, here we go.

[00:01:53]A nice reflective warm-up for everyone.

[00:01:58]Who wouldn't want to engage in it, right? And that too when I'm I'm I'm going to make all your wishes, most of our wishes would be, you know, if I could go back to my childhood. And I'm really going to make that happen for you all.

[00:02:17]So, if you're all ready for it, please thumbs up in the chat box.

[00:02:26]Let me see how many of you want to really go back and then reflect upon it, experience it, and then come to the present moment. Please let me know if you're all ready. Use your chat box. Feel free to put a thumbs up if you're ready to do that.

[00:02:51]Great.

[00:02:53]Thank you.

[00:02:54]Here we go.

[00:02:57]Yes, it is a time machine and uh you're you're all going to be taken back to your past. So, buckle up for that.

[00:03:10]How I wish that, you know, all of you would really come on to the screen so that I could see you all have this experience. But anyways, let the experience uh which is you all really, genuinely, heartfully experience this guided visualization which is called the time machine. For that, sit straight.

[00:03:45]Sit straight, but keep your back not stiff, which will um not make you comfortable.

[00:03:56]Ensure that it your back is straight, your shoulders are well rested. Trust me, you will find it extremely helpful when you do this.

[00:04:08]Shoulders straight.

[00:04:11]Loosen your neck.

[00:04:15]Relax your face.

[00:04:21]Close your eyes.

[00:04:27]Close your eyes, everyone.

[00:04:33]And since we're going to talk about adolescent, what is that one quality of adolescent child?

[00:04:42]Curiosity, isn't it?

[00:04:44]So, I would really want you all to become curious.

[00:04:49]And then just notice your breath being curious. Where is this breath coming from?

[00:04:59]For um hardly few seconds, experience that. Become curious.

[00:05:05]Locate in your body where is this breath coming from?

[00:05:18]Good job.

[00:05:20]Inhale gently.

[00:05:26]Exhale fully and completely.

[00:05:34]Inhale.

[00:05:39]And exhale.

[00:05:43]Just one more round.

[00:05:46]Inhale.

[00:05:50]And exhale.

[00:05:56]Now, continue to just watch your breath and I'll be your guiding voice.

[00:06:12]As you see all darkness when you close your eyes, now arrives a time machine.

[00:06:29]Oh, it's it's glittery.

[00:06:33]>> [snorts] >> It has many buttons.

[00:06:37]It has a wonderful cushioned seat for you to sit.

[00:06:45]Now, just want you in your >> [snorts] >> mind, just go closer to the time machine.

[00:07:02]Be conscious when you're walking towards the time machine.

[00:07:09]Observe. Be conscious of your walk.

[00:07:12]Slowly you came closer to the time machine.

[00:07:19]Well, you got into it.

[00:07:23]Feel the cushion of the seat in the time machine.

[00:07:29]Gently take a seat.

[00:07:40]There's a buckle. You can be so comfortable and so assured that you are safe.

[00:07:48]Buckle up.

[00:07:52]And slowly the doors of the time machine have closed.

[00:07:59]There is a button if you just look.

[00:08:03]It says start.

[00:08:08]Press on that.

[00:08:13]And now you notice that you are being taken to the time when you were around nine years old. Just go back. Trust me, you'll enjoy this process.

[00:08:33]We can never do it while we are at home or while we are at work. Take this opportunity. Go back in time. Just notice everything when you were nine years old. That school You know, every school has this board which has a school name. Just see that name.

[00:08:53]The people around, your friends your own home Take a nice nice breath and feel the air around at that time.

[00:09:09]Experience everything.

[00:09:11]See what is all around when you were a kid of nine.

[00:09:18]Remember your teachers, your friends, your mom, your dad, your sisters, brothers, uncles, aunts, whoever you're able to see. Slowly move closer to 10.

[00:09:32]Any changes there?

[00:09:39]I hope you are able to see yourself during that, how you were at that time.

[00:09:45]10 to 12, to what 11.

[00:09:50]Keep going.

[00:09:51]Keep going.

[00:09:53]You came closer to your 13 years of age, probably around 9th.

[00:10:03]Do you see any changes in you?

[00:10:13]Now we moved to your 10th. You were writing your board exams.

[00:10:19]Remember all the skills that you had.

[00:10:23]Everything, remember everything about you.

[00:10:27]Around you.

[00:10:29]Within you.

[00:10:36]Now we move to your intermediate.

[00:10:44]What kind of college did you go to? What stream did you choose? How was it at that time?

[00:10:50]How did you play outside?

[00:10:53]Go till your graduation.

[00:10:57]What change you were able to see now from your 9 years old to your graduation?

[00:11:02]Now see who's all around you, your home, your college.

[00:11:07]Your hobbies, your friends, everything.

[00:11:12]Look everything around.

[00:11:14]Who was that anchoring for you? Who supported you?

[00:11:22]What were you You know How do you see yourself at that time? What were others thinking about you?

[00:11:30]You know, that active child, reserved child, gentle child.

[00:11:37]Bossy child.

[00:11:41]Whatever it is, we are that is what our identity is. It's okay.

[00:11:50]Once you have thoroughly looked everything from nine to your nine years old to your graduation. Slowly, slowly, slowly I want you to get back to your seat and press that button which is called as return.

[00:12:08]Collect all of those memories.

[00:12:11]How you used to play everything, keep it intact in your memory.

[00:12:17]And then return button. Once you sit, press the return button, the lights are on, the doors have shut.

[00:12:25]Slowly, slowly you see that you are moving again towards where you are right now. You're getting there.

[00:12:38]You're getting there.

[00:12:46]Take a nice deep breath.

[00:12:50]And exhale.

[00:12:55]I want everyone to rub your palms together.

[00:13:02]Place them on your eyes.

[00:13:09]And gently, very gently open your eyes.

[00:13:14]Keeping all that you have got from the past.

[00:13:22]I want you all to open your eyes once you're ready.

[00:13:29]In the chat box, I want you all to tell me what helped you feel supported or steady as a teen or as an adolescent. What was that support for you?

[00:13:45]Were you playing music as your great coping mechanism or you had that Who did you see? Your friend? What were you actually using your support system or your stead? You know, what kept you anchored to? Sport, a teacher, a parent, a grandparent, or you know, that's okay.

[00:14:14]Use your chat box quickly to let me know. Oh, great.

[00:14:19]Music first.

[00:14:23]That's wonderful.

[00:14:25]Very nice. My zeal, freedom freedom my parents gave. So wonderful.

[00:14:32]So wonderful.

[00:14:35]Self-talk. Great. Friends.

[00:14:38]Great.

[00:14:41]Very nice.

[00:14:47]Now, what I want my teen to know.

[00:14:58]What I want my teen to know.

[00:15:05]What's one message you wish your teen truly understood?

[00:15:12]What do you think?

[00:15:14]Few reflections. That's all.

[00:15:18]What do you want your teen to understand?

[00:15:23]Let's use the chat box. Let's use the chat box.

[00:15:30]Great.

[00:15:32]Understand.

[00:15:34]Life is an opportunity to prove ourselves. Great.

[00:15:37]That's what you're going to tell your team. Nice.

[00:15:46]Now, let us pause and reflect.

[00:15:52]What surprised you about your own memories?

[00:15:56]What surprised you when you went back, when you saw yourself?

[00:16:01]What was that? Oh, how could you you know, did I do that or was that me?

[00:16:08]What emotions came to you?

[00:16:12]And having looked at yourself, will that shape how you see your team today?

[00:16:25]After seeing yourself, do you think will that shape the way you see your team today?

[00:16:42]So, if at all you could look at this image here, I can see the messages.

[00:16:49]The school is good in shaping every aspect with good teachers. No comparison. Great.

[00:16:57]If you see this, are you using your own voice when we talk to our kids, or are the voices you absorbed from your past speaking through you? Just just to reflect. We don't have to judge up anything about it.

[00:17:13]All right?

[00:17:19]So, what is adolescence?

[00:17:23]It is again a developmental stage between the childhood and moving towards adulthood.

[00:17:33]What are the changes? There's physical change, emotional change, cognitive, that is thinking abilities change, and lots of social change, which you have seen. School, elementary school, middle school, and then moving towards college, graduation, right?

[00:17:52]So, it's a time to time for growth, exploration, identity formation, and moving towards independence.

[00:18:02]So, according to WHO, WHO, kids who are in between 10 to 19 fall into the category of adolescence.

[00:18:15]As we say, puberty hits during adolescence, or there's a physical change. We all know there are a lot of physical changes that happen.

[00:18:25]But, it is also about becoming internally who I am.

[00:18:31]So, there are three phases I'll quickly run you through. So, there is early adolescence.

[00:18:39]There is middle adolescence.

[00:18:42]And there is late adolescence. Three phases.

[00:18:54]Screen is stuck.

[00:18:59]All right.

[00:19:01]Yeah, now I think I have a full screen.

[00:19:04]Quickly, we will also talk about what actually are the dharmas of life in each stage. We know, right? If you go back, we were never we actually as a culture knew that there is much more. We used to have these ashrams which are called ashramas like brahmacharya ashrama.

[00:19:24]In that there is kaumaram and yauvanam.

[00:19:27]That is what we are going to talk about today.

[00:19:33]And the times were different but dharma remains to be the same for everyone.

[00:19:41]But how we navigate through that dharma is what we are going to talk because everything has to be relevant to the age that we are.

[00:19:54]Now 2 minutes we'll just do it for hardly 1 or 2 minutes. What adolescents seek? Okay?

[00:20:04]And what they feel? It is there in this word search box in this grid.

[00:20:11]What they seek? What they feel? One each. Quickly, can you can you all type?

[00:20:17]What they seek?

[00:20:19]What they feel?

[00:20:23]Understand.

[00:20:25]They want connection. Excellent.

[00:20:27]Understanding. Seek connection.

[00:20:31]Respect. Absolutely.

[00:20:34]Absolutely. Feel anxious. Yes.

[00:20:39]True. Belonging.

[00:20:41]I know.

[00:20:46]Empathy. Mhm. Yeah, they do feel lonely.

[00:20:50]Yes. Empathy. Support. Confused. Thank you so much for the feedback. Thank you for being so interactive.

[00:21:01]I wonder today why my screen is troubling. Yes. Now, if you look at it, this is the human brain.

[00:21:13]Right?

[00:21:14]Now, if you look at the parts of the human brain, you will understand that there is limbic system, the brain stem, the cortex, the prefrontal cortex.

[00:21:29]Right?

[00:21:30]So, just for your information, I thought I will have uh I'll give a basic understanding to uh know what actually is going on in our adolescent child's brain because it is still a developing brain.

[00:21:51]So, adolescent's brain is still under construction.

[00:21:58]The emotional parts of the brain develop fast. That is here, the limbic system.

[00:22:04]This develops fast.

[00:22:07]I want everybody to uh if possible, try to remember the names.

[00:22:12]So, this is the limbic system, the emotional part of the brain, which develops first.

[00:22:20]And much more is the brain stem which develops. That is how, you know, 2-year-old if you Sorry, 2-month-old or 1-month-old child, if you smile, they don't smile back. But then, 8-month-old child is starting to give you that uh uh he's able to reflect and then connect with you. So, slowly development starts from the brain stem. The limbic system is the one more uh strongly developed uh part of the brain. The logical thinking part develops much later, which is the prefrontal cortex, the cortex area.

[00:22:55]This is why we notice that teenagers react fast.

[00:23:00]They are They react emotionally. They take also because their limbic is so activated and they get influenced by their friends. So, that impulse control is a little still in progress.

[00:23:14]The front part of the brain, if you have seen the PFC, the prefrontal cortex, it helps in planning, decision-making, self-control, judgment. And this is something which is which only develops and I was surprised to know this that it matures once a individual grows till 25.

[00:23:37]Hence, teenagers often they feel first, here, they think later.

[00:23:45]So, and this all happens because of myelination. The brain works through brain cells called neurons. And then myelination is like, you know, insulation around a copper wire. If the copper wire is there, there is an insulation, right? So, this myelination also, it's like a fatty coating that helps messages travel smooth, efficiently. So, as teenagers grow, brain slowly becomes better connected and well regulated. Hence, supervision matters.

[00:24:19]Teenagers look physically probably grown up, but their brain is still developing.

[00:24:24]Hence, they need guidance, boundaries, emotional safety, and supervision.

[00:24:30]Uh not because they are bad, because they are their brain is still maturing.

[00:24:36]All right? So, they're not fully immature, not, you know, but they are developing is the right thing to say.

[00:24:46]So, this is about um what I thought I should let you know about the developing child, which our adolescent is.

[00:24:59]So, here if you will see You know, just notice the both the pictures. You know, when the child is a baby, parents naturally respond with patience, understanding because they know the child is still developing.

[00:25:16]Right?

[00:25:17]But, growth does not stop in childhood.

[00:25:20]During adolescence, the brain is still developing as we have spoken earlier.

[00:25:25]So, we never had patience issues or we never dealt with helplessness when they were very young because we expected their inability, not inabilities, you know, yet to grow physically yet to grow. That was accepted. And with the same conviction that that if at all we could give to the adolescent child, that there are other faculties in the child which are still developing, we would we would ensure we would live so beautifully uh having adolescence, you know, those tantrums also will be able to navigate very um in empowered way.

[00:26:12]So, this is the intention behind the letting you know about the adolescent brain.

[00:26:18]So, for everything uh we take the um we take our scriptures into consideration to state a certain fact. Right? Every fact that we have to talk uh scriptures are the back, uh the strength.

[00:26:41]Similarly, when I have to talk about all these things, I need to have a certain backing. So, today I thought I'll talk about the Lawrence Kohlberg moral development.

[00:26:54]So here what he says is um earlier thinking of the child was I follow a rule as a kid if you know that LKG, UKG, first class, second class, till third you know, till yeah, till that age they follow a rule because they know there'll be a consequence. If teacher says this otherwise they know okay, why to get unnecessarily any consequence, so better let me do it.

[00:27:23]So slowly that 9-year-old or adolescent third grade approximately I guess.

[00:27:29]So like you know, they will still not make the question very obvious outside, but then it'll be there. Slowly it's emerging.

[00:27:39]Is this fair? Why should I do it? Why does this rule exist? And eventually as and how they progress towards adolescent they are like you know it's not about I'll do it anyway, I don't want to face the consequence. It's like it's like let me avoid a consequence. I know that I know that I'm going to get into trouble rather than it's a rather than you know, let me do it because my yeah, there is a stage when kids follow it because of uh there is some reward.

[00:28:15]So here they no longer want the reward.

[00:28:18]They are just testing waters. It is again very natural for them to test waters because their their thinking is emerging. Eventually they will have that advanced thinking that oh, their values will develop. Okay, if at all I follow this there is cause and effect. If I follow this, looks like you know, things uh are going smoothly, everybody appreciates and there is a certain peer group which forms. They'll know that there is this this is good, this is bad. That is slowly moving towards the advanced uh uh adulthood uh adolescence. So, this shift is uh basically very very that moral reasoning is not disobedience. It is natural.

[00:29:08]Then what Piaget says is around 12 years, adolescents develops what is called as abstract thinking.

[00:29:18]They they become little more reasonable logical. Their imagination is developing. There is a little bit of planning.

[00:29:25]So, they'll know what is right, what is wrong.

[00:29:30]So, he says that teens question rules or tradition, it reflects growing reasoning abilities.

[00:29:37]Again, it is not disrespect. Because again, they're they're stuck they're developing from back to front. Anytime when you see the growth, growth happens from down to up, right? Similarly, the brain develops from back to front. So, from here to the prefrontal cortex. So, here it is not disrespect. They're learning the again, we need not leave them with any kind of tonal um uh learning. You know, they use words which are not appropriate. It is not that we let them go. But then we we tell them with patience. It is not that they want to disrespect. They're just their abilities are growing.

[00:30:20]And the last one which I thought I'll bring today is Erik Erikson's psychosocial development. What is psychosocial? That interaction between the mind and the uh my surroundings that goes hand in hand. So, here they explore who they are, what they believe, and then they they want that peer group. And they And Erikson's psychosocial development is into eight stages and we are talking about one of the stage which is identity and role confusion relevant to the adolescent stage. So, he says um uh there is virtue and there is a conflict in every stage. Virtue is eventually when you support and feel make sure that the child is felt safe, identity is formed in an adolescent. You let them You let them experience. You let them fall. You let them know what it is.

[00:31:15]Instead of being very protective and then you let them go with a set of friends and then you guide them. You nudge them. But then you don't constantly judge. So, when support and safety happens identity is what develops. Else there is this uh conflict of role confusion. Why does role confusion happen? Because there is insecurity. The role has may not the role confusion may take hold.

[00:31:44]So, role confusion will It's not that the when they go to the next stage the role confusion remains there. Of course there is all We are so dynamic human beings. We evolve in the next stage. But then every stage he says identity is formed or there is confusion. So, teens need emotional safety and guidance not judgement while forming their identity both at school and at home.

[00:32:11]So, this is the child. We We so beautifully take care of this baby here.

[00:32:16]And so patiently we do things. But then as they progress also there are other physically they are growing meant and the brain is still developing. Let us give them that um I wouldn't say benefit of doubt. But then let us give them uh that scope to build their identity.

[00:32:38]So, here for few minutes, quickly, myth means I'll read out the statements, okay? They are just 10 statements.

[00:32:49]To to know if we have understood things clearly, I'll read out the statement. If you feel it is myth, it's myth means it's not true. Then, write myth or write fact or write M and F. All right, anything is fine. M F should do good.

[00:33:09]So, quickly use your chat box, very quickly. Come on, let's do this activity. Teenagers are Do teenagers argue because they're disrespectful?

[00:33:22]Okay. My child has changed completely.

[00:33:31]Okay.

[00:33:32]Teenagers don't need parents anymore because they they act like in such a way that, you know, sometimes you feel you don't even need us.

[00:33:39]Is that true?

[00:33:41]Strong emotions mean they are overreacting.

[00:33:45]Those eyes, eye rolling, banging doors.

[00:33:50]Strong emotions means they are strictness alone creates discipline. Do you feel it is a myth or a fact? Only strictness, does it create discipline?

[00:34:00]Teenagers are lazy.

[00:34:05]Spending time alone means something is wrong. They're doing something if at all they are spending time alone.

[00:34:11]Teenagers question because reasoning abilities are developing.

[00:34:15]Yes, it is true.

[00:34:18]Isn't it?

[00:34:19]Adolescence is a major developmental phase.

[00:34:23]Emotional intensity is a part of adolescent brain development.

[00:34:27]Connection and boundaries build healthier discipline.

[00:34:32]True.

[00:34:33]Adolescents are still developing self-regulation skills.

[00:34:40]Thank you so much for participating.

[00:34:45]Great.

[00:34:48]Thank you.

[00:34:49]Thank you all.

[00:34:53]All right. I I so like this uh statement.

[00:34:59]A parent's job is to hold boundaries. A child's job is to test them.

[00:35:06]It is not personal. It is developmental.

[00:35:11]Take a chill pill.

[00:35:13]Okay?

[00:35:16]All right.

[00:35:18]Here I will very very quickly talk about very quickly talk about parenting also.

[00:35:27]Because we also need to know what is our style.

[00:35:31]And it is only a visual metaphor. I'm not comparing human uh parenting to animals parenting. I'm not doing a a comparison type, but it is only for us it's a visual metaphor for us for us to understand based on the traits.

[00:35:50]So, tiger parenting as the name says, demandingness is nothing but, you know, being very strict, but then there is no boundary or there is no help in terms of support, helping them navigate through the nothing. They're just demanding.

[00:36:05]They're strict. Bottom line.

[00:36:07]Responsiveness, you know, being too casual or there is no emotional connection. So, a tiger parenting is like high in demanding, very strict, but then they they don't help the child process or go through how to do things.

[00:36:25]It's like It's like the child's duty to to do it. Why did you get marks? Next time do it. That's it. Next time you you work hard. But there is no such steps as to how to do. You understand? There is only demanding. There is no way to navigate that child. And the other is a permissive parent. Just like this kangaroo always puts its baby in the bag, right? So all closely it will protect responsiveness. Oh, so nurturing. There is no structure and limit. Avoid saying no or setting boundaries. So just just let them enjoy.

[00:37:03]There is no demandingness at all. There is high in responsiveness.

[00:37:08]And then there is ostrich parenting.

[00:37:10]Ostriches, it seems that they are It is called neglectful parenting. So it is low in demandingness. There is no demandingness. There is no responsiveness. Both are not there.

[00:37:25]Disengaged, withdrawn, hardly any communication.

[00:37:31]So And then there is eagle parenting.

[00:37:34]Eagle parenting is considered to be the best parenting. It is not that we should not be demanding.

[00:37:40]We should set clear expectations and rules. They should be It should come with a certain warmth.

[00:37:47]You know, they should be They should make them feel accountable.

[00:37:52]We should be able to check into them in a very positive way. Give them support in case they do mistakes.

[00:38:02]Children do make mistakes. Even though we are like responsive and then like even though we are trying to be trying to connect, sometimes they don't show us the give us that hand that we want from them. But then they are supportive. They encourage independence also. So eagle parenting builds a strong foundation of love, trust, guidance helps children It helps children grow into confident, responsible, and emotionally strong individuals. Now, take a look at these four kinds of parenting. Demandingness, responsiveness, tiger, high.

[00:38:38]Okay, kangaroo is high in responsiveness. Eagle in both. Ostrich is like putting its head in the soil.

[00:38:46]So, now This is the parenting style. It so happens that it seems that Arav didn't do well. He failed. The parent responds The first for the first situation, everyone quickly First situation, how could you fail like this?

[00:39:05]One thing, immediate statement, no phone today, no TV today. You never listen to us.

[00:39:11]So, what kind of parenting is that?

[00:39:13]There is no talking further. What went wrong?

[00:39:17]Where did you find it hard? Are you not able to understand? Nothing.

[00:39:22]So, what is the first parenting style called?

[00:39:27]Is it eagle? Is it tiger?

[00:39:30]Mhm.

[00:39:33]Yes. What is the second parenting style called? Parent barely looks up and says I'm busy, handle it yourself.

[00:39:42]I know it must be hard. They acknowledge maybe, you know, you didn't do well.

[00:39:47]They're like hardly So, Arav is like he feels unseen, unsupported, emotionally alone.

[00:39:56]Good.

[00:40:06]Third situation Parent says, "It's okay. Marks don't matter. You are only in seventh grade."

[00:40:12]No, there is comfort. In that case, there is comfort, but there is no guidance or accountability.

[00:40:20]There is a lot of responsiveness, but then there is no demandingness at all.

[00:40:28]Good.

[00:40:32]So, the fourth one says "I know you're disappointed. Looks like, you know, you didn't score well. What happened? Come, let's figure it out."

[00:40:41]This parent is listening.

[00:40:44]He knows that the child didn't do well, but still he's calm. He's providing guidance.

[00:40:50]He still he says, "Let's do it this way, and then I also have a little bit I also have expectation for next time."

[00:40:59]What is this parenting? He feels because when a child is given that path, he feels motivated to do. So, hence Aro feels safe, supported, and motivated.

[00:41:09]What is this parenting?

[00:41:11]The last one.

[00:41:14]Yeah. True.

[00:41:16]True, true, true, Subhadra ma'am.

[00:41:22]Correct, eagle. Wonderful.

[00:41:27]Great.

[00:41:29]Great. Thank you, everyone. Thank you so much for being so interactive. Wonderful.

[00:41:35]Now, let's move to understand what are the 10 strategies to understand our child first, that we have done, you know, okay, this is how adolescence stage is.

[00:41:50]Now, how can we bond with them is what we are going to do going forward.

[00:42:21]>> All right. I'm sorry. I'm moving my screen because it's getting stuck often.

[00:42:28]Here if you see one of the best because most of the strategies if you believe they are extremely simple but then we somehow we generally don't continue to do them.

[00:42:46]Probably we do it but then we don't often think in those lines. It is never that we intentionally don't want to do. So always always trust yourself that you are doing your best and there is something else that we can still continue to do because adolescent stage lasts only till they are 19, but once they are 20 or you know, be on after that you will you will 100% go back and think I shouldn't have said that or I shouldn't have done that or I should have guided. So there are small little things that I'm going to bring today. The reason being I brought I brought these strategies is because I interact directly with many children on an everyday basis.

[00:43:35]And in this process I have understood what the child wants.

[00:43:42]And um and if at all we could bring that into our lives into our parenting um trust me the changes are tremendous.

[00:43:54]What is the first thing?

[00:43:57]The adolescent child as such is there to test us 100%.

[00:44:03]They come back home, say for example, from school with so many emotions right from what happened in the class nothing they have understood or you know in the bus something might have happened and they come to you you are in the middle of work okay when you are in the middle of the work and the and the adolescent is coming and the child is coming and is not this being respectful it 100% triggers us it is a natural phenomena it is natural however as we discussed what they are behaving is something that we are not accepting but what we are doing to ourselves so that we don't match their tone we don't match their body language if we try to match them it's a storm already you're adding a storm to it right two storms what happens you can just take a guess and visualize so instead of that you try to pause and in that pause make it a new conscious effort to regulate yourself what do I mean by regulate calm yourself understand that that child when he does that I just can't take it we will know what our triggers are right first thing understand know your trigger once you know your trigger immediately pause either you breathe at that time or think okay this child's behavior I need to correct that means that tone was not correct but then what is behind it is what I will honor so I will calm myself and then I regulate myself and then I coregulate my child because my child is mirroring my nervous system. We are nothing but two nervous systems mirroring each other.

[00:46:19]Right? So, you regulate yourself. You bring in those calm techniques. You try to tell either like through breath, go back, count 10 20 to 1 because of course we will be angry when the child disrespects, but then the child's intention is not to disrespect, but then there is something behind which is bothering.

[00:46:38]But then strategy one, please regulate yourself.

[00:46:44]Before that, identify what the triggers are. You know when these three four are coming, what I should do.

[00:46:51]Right?

[00:46:54]So, the child, as you see here, for the child or for the um adult, emotion, whatever comes to us, right? It lasts for 90 seconds.

[00:47:11]Whatever emotion it is, it will rise to its peak, pass in just a half a minute and a half. And some researchers say little less than that also. But then the child should at that time know how to match your calm through gentle words.

[00:47:33]And then say, "I was upset with the way you have behaved.

[00:47:39]Tell me what is going on."

[00:47:42]Okay? So, uh children don't need us to fix everything. They need to be felt. They need to be heard, protected, and supported because you are their safest place.

[00:48:01]>> This is so wonderful. Spend time in their world. I'm not saying that play games with them or do things that they do.

[00:48:13]And get involved fully. What I'm trying to tell you is they are trying to build their own identity.

[00:48:21]Right? It is if you look around earlier, it takes a village to raise a child.

[00:48:28]Look around and see where that village is.

[00:48:32]That physical village doesn't exist anymore, isn't it?

[00:48:36]That village is now your child's friends and those few friends you have and that most important that phone in the child's hand is that village.

[00:48:49]Still, instead of grabbing that phone, what is that thing that we can do is every day, making it a ritual, 15 to 20 minutes of consistent connection makes a big difference.

[00:49:06]You genuinely become interested in what the child is doing with that phone.

[00:49:10]Genuinely, you ask, "What is that football game about? Who are those players?"

[00:49:17]It is about the genuine interest.

[00:49:21]You will try to understand, "Okay, my child is liking a certain player because of what qualities? What is he trying to imbibe from there?" Or who are those friends where he he feels, you know, like tomorrow we are going to talk about in the school. They have the world is such that it's become very small. Now, it's like they have groups based on their areas of interest.

[00:49:48]So, for you to give any suggestion, you need to the child needs to feel that my dad is so interested or my mom is so interested in what I do. Please don't mind about the the the gender. We I plan to make it very gender neutral in every slide to change as much as possible. If it is a child, become interested in what they're doing.

[00:50:10]So, spend as a parent 15 to 20 minutes so that you will know what is happening in their world. They would love it and they are so patient with us.

[00:50:23]Trust me.

[00:50:26]They would even if you don't understand certain things, they will take so much time to make you understand. Just 15 20 minutes. And in this previous slide, I'll just go back here.

[00:50:40]When I said two storms should not match, even if your tone is good, children can read your body language. So, when I say regulate yourself, your body, mind, and heart, regulate it.

[00:50:55]So, this is the second one.

[00:50:58]Listen more and lecture less.

[00:51:05]Sometimes we just go on and on when we when there is a certain incident which happens.

[00:51:14]And it so happens that we don't put everything down say in case like I'm like just sitting with you. I'm totally focused. My eyes I'm matching my eye contact.

[00:51:28]I'm there with undivided attention, no interruption, no taking calls in between.

[00:51:34]Ask them reflective questions. Every time ask open-ended questions so that the child can open up and talk during a certain situation.

[00:51:46]Why did you do like that?

[00:51:49]What made you What made you feel like that?

[00:51:53]Every time use the feeling word because a child connects at that age connects to the word feeling. There is some feeling that has Because the emotional side of the brain is hyperactive during that time, understand what What are What What did you What did you feel in that situation?

[00:52:12]So, reflect back so that they know that you understood.

[00:52:18]And ensure that sometimes because of our conditioning what they say and what we understand does not match. So, confirm what you understand. Paraphrase it.

[00:52:31]Don't assume at all because eventually when you assume from what they are talking with your understanding, they will say, "When did I tell you that?"

[00:52:44]So, research consistently show that positive open relationship with parents or caretakers help them build healthier friendships outside. Because a child sees that the parent is listening more.

[00:53:01]Looks like this is a safe place. I can tell my parent what is going on. It doesn't all If it doesn't happen in one or two or three settings.

[00:53:10]We need to be a little more patient, but it will help in long run.

[00:53:15]So, this is the simple strategy to listen on the right side.

[00:53:45]>> Appreciate effort, not the result.

[00:53:49]We why it is natural that it comes out like that.

[00:53:57]You work so hard, right? I mean, it'll be other way around. Why only these many marks?

[00:54:02]Rather, notice how hard they worked or help them how to plan because they still aren't fully developed in planning how to do things. Help them. Maybe you can ask a question in terms of other aspects of planning for their games and all they're able to do. Yes.

[00:54:22]Because that gives a great dopamine.

[00:54:26]They need our support in planning and when we are involved, it's not that you do it for them. Help them do it. Notice their hard work, but just don't focus on the result. Tell them that, you know, I understand you worked hard there. Understand that, you know, you didn't go to that game and then you studied for this because result to determine the result, there are so many other areas which we need to talk of.

[00:54:57]So, the result is a process, whereas effort is it effort is happening every time. So, when you notice that effort, right? They want to do it more. It is like reinforcing that habit. So, just notice that effort.

[00:55:15]And sit and plan how to plan for it eventually. So, this builds that confidence in them.

[00:55:23]And as the Gita also says, right?

[00:55:42]>> What does it say?

[00:55:44]That do your duty beautifully and with complete attention.

[00:55:56]Result? Leave it at the state of the higher being. In this situation, you are that higher being.

[00:56:07]You are there to take the child forward.

[00:56:13]In that 15-20 minutes, you will get that scope to work on the child.

[00:56:21]Every day, practice sitting with the light. As you see the light behind, sit both of you, and then just notice the light, wherein focus improves.

[00:56:34]That is called as candle watching or diya watching. Just sit there together.

[00:56:42]And this again gender neutral, it can be the father, too.

[00:56:47]Avoid comparing them with others.

[00:56:51]Comparing them can really be detrimental to their growth.

[00:56:57]Would we like it?

[00:56:59]Again, it is natural it comes out of us.

[00:57:02]But then they are they have their own individual strengths.

[00:57:10]Because our child is so unique.

[00:57:14]If there are parents in the group, quickly type one strength of your child.

[00:57:20]They are so unique. Our children are so unique that we need not compare. Every child is different. We did not say every house environment is different.

[00:57:33]Every child's abilities are different.

[00:57:36]Every child's home rhythms are different.

[00:57:39]Every child's parenting style is different.

[00:57:43]Every child's peer group is different.

[00:57:47]Right?

[00:57:48]So, we are our child is unique.

[00:57:56]Great memory.

[00:57:58]Lots of questions. Creative. Great.

[00:58:02]Bond to parents, not more to friends.

[00:58:04]Responsible.

[00:58:07]Responsible, Nilofer. Thank you.

[00:58:14]Family rituals are non-negotiable.

[00:58:19]This you can slowly bring it to your child saying that it is something that cannot be negotiated at all.

[00:58:42]These rituals go a long way.

[00:58:48]So, make sure that at least few times a week you all eat together if not daily.

[00:58:56]Make sure that the child sometimes as the adolescent child grows, they may not want to be a part of gatherings, but then you be selective as to how because their social skills improve.

[00:59:10]When the child sees that there's a guest who has entered, maybe they'll feel uncomfortable in the beginning. Do not push the child at that time.

[00:59:19]Say hello.

[00:59:20]Or do this. These should be done before.

[00:59:24]So, don't make them uncomfortable, but teach them but that is not the time wherein he go into the shell again, he or she.

[00:59:33]And how it should be done, first we model it.

[00:59:37]When we model and they get motivated, too.

[00:59:41]So, science says consistently science consistently shows that children thrive not mainly because of strict control, but securely attached, emotionally safe, they are consistent, they thrive in consistent routines, and positive modeling. Small repeated family habits shape brain more deeply than occasional lectures or long lectures.

[01:00:07]There's a lot they will observe, they're There's There's a lot they will hear from everyone, and family rituals non-negotiable is something that I hope we start trying because the West is again trying all of this because of the impact that it has the last 30 years what it has created, it is coming into our routine now.

[01:00:33]Unfortunately, we are slipping out.

[01:00:39]Gadget-free time as a family contract.

[01:00:46]And the picture says it all.

[01:00:49]Because we think that it is gadget which is um the reason why the child is um moving out of our hands or we have no control on the child, but what actually science says is parental connection is more important. Thus, there is a regulated gadget time.

[01:01:18]Eventually, our child knows how to manage device. We don't say that, you know, uh give away the time give away and stop using. It is not that, but we create connection time together wherein we know that, you know, we will use this device when it is time for it.

[01:01:38]Because parental um when we have parental uh bonding, that is when the gadget effect on our child it comes down drastically is what the science says.

[01:01:56]Again, everything when the previous ones are happening, this slide makes more sense because we are doing all of them together.

[01:02:12]Avoid criticizing their peer group. They are forming identities now.

[01:02:18]So, for adolescence, friendships are not small part of life. They're major part of identity, belonging, and emotional security. You may not probably you may find that, you know, a friend is maybe he is not a good friend because of certain reasons.

[01:02:36]But, say it in such a way that the child doesn't feel bad because that's his choice he made in forming that friend friendship. Again, there is a identity involved there, right? Since he's building that identity.

[01:02:52]Be very mindful of uh how we talk to them about their friendships or the choices of their friends. How do you feel with this group? Those are those nudging questions that we talk to our child during that one-on-one interaction. You know, what do you like about your friend? Do they help you become your best self?

[01:03:15]So, I'm here always.

[01:03:19]Grades are dropping.

[01:03:22]Make PTMs meaningful, not just a routine.

[01:03:27]Because a child is sitting there, not this with this face like in the screen.

[01:03:34]The child gets into a very, very tough situation wherein the teacher is complaining, the parents he knows once he goes back home, he's going to get it. But the whole purpose of PTM is find out how the teacher can support your child better.

[01:03:52]How can you after that learn from the teacher and support? See if there are any learning difficulties. Accept because learning difficulties, sometimes we fail to acknowledge them. We will just brush it off saying that it doesn't exist.

[01:04:10]Identify if the child is genuinely having an issue learning.

[01:04:14]Is he not able to comprehend if he learn if he read? Is he not able to comprehend?

[01:04:19]Okay.

[01:04:21]Math calculations are difficult.

[01:04:25]There are some genuinely difficult situations for the child which we need to evaluate.

[01:04:32]So, check if the child is getting distracted because of peers because I hear I want to concentrate, Mom, in the class, but then, you know, I'm worried.

[01:04:43]Trust me, this is what kids say. I'm worried that, you know, when my friend is calling me, when they are all talking, if I don't participate, I'm worried if if at all the child if they don't involve me or include me in their group.

[01:04:58]So, have objectivity as to what is it the key takeaway from the PTM from the teacher from his marks. Is he not understanding? He's understanding, but he's not able to write, or time is not sufficient. How do I never leave parenting to others?

[01:05:19]The school or the teacher cannot be us.

[01:05:24]So, we stay involved.

[01:05:27]And it takes just planning of our time.

[01:05:30]I know everybody is in highly demanding jobs.

[01:05:36]Even do not leave the child to a tuition teacher.

[01:05:41]Because again, why didn't my child score good marks despite sending him or her to you?

[01:05:49]Understand what are the uh actual reasons.

[01:05:55]Not able to pay attention.

[01:05:58]Too many distractions.

[01:06:02]I don't I can't understand that subject, or we need to ask the tuition teacher based on the needs of the child.

[01:06:10]So, please make sure that the child doesn't feel guilty of being there with you in the PTM and coming back home.

[01:06:23]Of what we have discussed previously, many things we probably have not been able to follow, or sometimes it is but natural, but human, to err is human.

[01:06:36]That we probably there is a wee bit of repair that we need to do because it is so important. Trust me, after 19, you want to do undo things. So, it is strong parent-child relationships are not built by never making a mistake. They're built by repairing connections after a mistake. It's okay. At that time, I got angry, and I probably shouted because I also I had work.

[01:07:04]So, tell me what you were talking to me, Or, immediately go back, acknowledge that moment, and reconnect with mom warmth.

[01:07:15]When you repair, you teach your child how to do the same.

[01:07:19]Because conflict is a normal part of every family.

[01:07:23]Disconnection becomes harmful only when repair never happens.

[01:07:32]At the same time, having said all these things, healthy healthy boundaries are a must.

[01:07:39]They are not walls. They are loving structure that helps adolescents feel safe, understood. If your time has crossed for watching a gadget or a TV, put boundaries for them.

[01:07:54]You need to know that this is the time that was given. Again, your voice matters, the way you're conducting yourself matters, and then what is it that the child because it's like um he's he's made accountable to to have a certain discipline. So, he knows that, you know, and it is all done in a very healthy way. If at all you don't do it, probably you will not be able to get that. That means we are reinforcing we are reinforcing a certain way of behaving. It's like consequence is like you will not get this.

[01:08:31]If at all you don't follow this, maybe this for this week you will not be able to get uh uh that that gadget back. If you're watching for 30 minutes, entire week you're only going to watch for 20 minutes.

[01:08:44]This is the contract which you already came with.

[01:08:47]So, healthy boundaries adults will know what's expected.

[01:08:51]They feel protected that, okay, this time around 30 minutes, 45 minutes I can play. There's no interruption. There is no calling me.

[01:09:00]You know, they're enjoying their time.

[01:09:02]I don't they're not feel that pressure.

[01:09:07]And they learn accountability without shame.

[01:09:12]And I just want everybody to take think of one moment in yours or your child's your relationship or your interaction with the child.

[01:09:28]Tune in to your own inner compass. Three powerful questions that you always should ask yourself to get yourself into back to your prefrontal cortex. That is your logical reason, you know, that mind which is rational.

[01:09:45]So to get from that emotional hypervigilant hyperactive to reactive to that calm that's to get into that stage of that state of your mind you have to ask three questions. What am I feeling right now?

[01:10:09]What are you experiencing?

[01:10:12]In this way you're slow moving from your emotion to your logic.

[01:10:16]What am I feeling right now?

[01:10:19]I want everybody to type what are you feeling right now as an emotion.

[01:10:25]So that you will know how it works or think think to yourself. What what are you feeling? Name the emotion that you're feeling or that feeling that you had when you had that interaction with your child.

[01:10:38]After that at that time when you felt that way, you felt like you were disrespected example.

[01:10:45]Where did you feel that in your body?

[01:10:47]Scan inward. Is there any tension in your chest? Any tightness in your throat?

[01:10:53]You know, where did Do feel that in your body?

[01:10:56]That in men that intense emotion.

[01:11:00]And rate the intensity. How much was it?

[01:11:03]0 to 100. These three questions ask to yourself.

[01:11:09]And you can also help your your child experience it.

[01:11:15]Just to know that there is a shift in their way of interacting with you.

[01:11:26]From emotion emotional brain to the logical brain.

[01:11:36]So.

[01:11:38]>> [sighs] >> So this is what it is. Uh this is an extremely powerful technique. I want everybody to practice it and then adolescence is about learning how to they will learn from you how to regulate themselves.

[01:11:57]Practice this technique and then let your child also know because this is quite helpful when they sit for exam.

[01:12:05]And then they have all these questions coming. Will the question that I the chapters that I learned will they come?

[01:12:11]Will I be able to write?

[01:12:14]To put them back into that rest mode this three these three questions are extremely helpful.

[01:12:21]All right.

[01:12:24]And I want to close with this.

[01:12:31]Yeah, Latha.

[01:12:33]Just wanted to take 2 minutes.

[01:12:38]Uh good evening all of you.

[01:12:44]Good evening.

[01:12:45]So >> Good evening now.

[01:12:47]Yeah. Yeah.

[01:12:49]And the same seemed to be complete. Mhm?

[01:13:00]I could see that it was summarized and concluded in a proper way.

[01:13:07]Uh I could sense it.

[01:13:10]And uh I'll be watching it in the late night.

[01:13:13]All All sessions I'm watching. If I'm missing out few sessions, I'm listening here and there.

[01:13:20]So, um when I was listening to some part of Latha's session, I was thinking about myself as mother.

[01:13:33]And I being a mother, when my child or my children were adolescent or in that teens.

[01:13:45]So, I have one thing to share with you.

[01:13:52]One of my experience.

[01:13:56]There was a call from my uh uh there was a phone call from the school of my child.

[01:14:04]Okay?

[01:14:06]And they said, "Your child is not in the school."

[01:14:13]"Your child is not in the school.

[01:14:15]Why he didn't come?"

[01:14:18]But he he went I I sent him in the auto.

[01:14:23]So, they said, "No, no, he's not there.

[01:14:24]He's absent."

[01:14:27]Mhm.

[01:14:29]Generally, our reaction would be immediately we get into action. We check or we we call for some help and many things happens. Or we call his friends and see whether he they went a bunk.

[01:14:44]Uh This is a normal reaction of a mother.

[01:14:48]But then my response was I was very cool, very calm.

[01:14:54]Very, very calm. I replied, "No, my child will be in the school. Please check."

[01:15:03]They said, "Ma'am, are you thinking that we are fools to call you?"

[01:15:08]I said, "I don't know.

[01:15:11]I don't want to label you. I don't want to say anything about you, but only one thing I want to say is my son will be in the school. Please check.

[01:15:20]Get back to me after 5 minutes."

[01:15:23]And they checked, my child was there.

[01:15:25]So, that trust, that belief, that strong belief on the child, you should be able to build.

[01:15:35]And this experience really built that inner strength in me.

[01:15:40]Inner, you know, that mother was, you know, I grew more richer and richer inside because yes, I strongly believe my child.

[01:15:50]When do we believe?

[01:15:52]When you repeatedly have experiences like this where you prove that yes, your belief is right.

[01:15:59]So, but how would you do that?

[01:16:18]Ma'am, you are on mute, ma'am.

[01:16:23]Ma'am, please unmute. Sorry.

[01:16:30]Yes.

[01:16:43]>> [snorts] >> a hostel in I bump and eat a college can I bump and eat a character bump and eat a proper gentleman you know I need a portion of my teacher days gone and challenge money parents you know the challenge set together feel out tonight even the child is inside the house in the room itself.

[01:17:01]Why?

[01:17:02]Why a parent is so insecure? Because because there is a gap they are not connected.

[01:17:12]They're far.

[01:17:14]Physically together but they are far.

[01:17:16]That's a problem today.

[01:17:18]So I request I I think the session is very interesting.

[01:17:22]I know Letha she is very insightful girl.

[01:17:27]And she has that innate potential to talk about very you know this sort of topics suits her when she asked "Mam can I?" Then I said yes that is required.

[01:17:40]Uh So thank you so much Letha for sparing your time and uh I know being a student of Sahaya being a student of our our our instructor being a counselor being a instructor being a supervisor she she plays many roles at Sudisha Counseling Center and Manoja Gruti.

[01:18:02]So she is with us always.

[01:18:04]Uh well done and good job. Keep doing because it is required.

[01:18:10]It is required.

[01:18:12]We having knowledge all the counselors every day whoever is speaking everybody is very rich very resourceful when I see them on the screen. I don't want to come on to the screen that's why because I want them to be the speakers. That's why I'm avoiding completely.

[01:18:27]I would otherwise I would have come in the introduction conclusion many things I would have done but I don't want to do that.

[01:18:35]But only I know what she had planned and I thought what she had >> [laughter] >> so you people are very very resourceful please share your knowledge.

[01:18:53]With the society because every you know the session whatever you're taking and today's Lata session wonderful.

[01:19:01]And parents need it.

[01:19:03]Many parents are ignored.

[01:19:11]So good job well done congratulations for the session and we want to see you all again and again and again. Thank you ma'am. Can I talk few words about you?

[01:19:23]>> [laughter] >> So ma'am my journey everyone my journey with Manoj Akriti and Geethanjali ma'am.

[01:19:33]It began as that humble I was that humble and confused seeker. Who came I remember that day I came with thirst for learning and I entered a space where knowledge.

[01:19:46]Opportunities and direction.

[01:19:50]And love from ma'am flowed like endlessly.

[01:19:54]So through Saburi Shraddha and Sadhana of Sudisha Counseling Center both my hunger for learning and my physical hunger at Annapurna Hall have been lovingly nourished.

[01:20:07]So in this vast ocean which I always feel in this vast ocean of opportunities Geethanjali ma'am has been my lighthouse and anchor.

[01:20:18]So from my Sneha internship Sahaya journey to opportunities as school counseling psychologist every role interested me.

[01:20:28]Which she has interested has only strengthened uplifted and shaped my growth. So, I deeply am grateful for her guidance, trust, and encouragement.

[01:20:39]May that light continue to spread far and wide, ma'am.

[01:20:44]Thank you.

[01:20:45]Thank you. Thank you. God bless you.

[01:20:47]Now, uh uh you can coordinators can formally close. Over to you people.

[01:20:57]Thank you everyone. Thank you so much for joining us today.

[01:21:02]And you have been very, very interactive, and you made the session much more engaging.

[01:21:09]And I request everyone to please join for tomorrow's insightful session.

[01:21:17]And uh please, you'll have numerous takeaways from tomorrow's session, too.

[01:21:22]So, please do join.

[01:21:24]Have a great evening. Thank you again.

[01:21:28]Thank you so much, ma'am.

[01:21:30]Thank you, ma'am. It was excellent session, a very insightful.

[01:21:35]I think very well done. Thank you.

[01:21:36]Congratulations, and thank you.

[01:21:39]Thank you, sir.

[01:21:40]Thank you.

[01:21:42]>> Thank you. Really nice. Yeah.

[01:21:44]Thank you, Andy.

[01:21:47]Yeah.

[01:21:48]Thank you, Andy.

[01:21:52]Thank you, ma'am.