Why I'm Spending My Birthday Alone This Year

[00:00:00]I turned 38 on the 29th of July.

[00:00:03]And this year, instead of doing what I normally do, which is plan, coordinate, remind everyone else what day it is, I simply sat down and decided to ask myself a question.

[00:00:16]Who would I be if I did not have to take care of everyone else? Not who am I when I'm being a mom, not who am I when I'm being a friend who remembers everyone's birthday, who plans the parties, who makes sure that everyone feels special.

[00:00:31]Just who am I underneath all of that?

[00:00:35]I didn't have an answer right away, and I still don't have an answer.

[00:00:39]And that really scares me a little.

[00:00:41]So, here's what I've decided to do this year.

[00:00:44]I'm taking myself on a solo date for my birthday.

[00:00:48]And yes, before you start feeling sorry for me, that's not really the point for this video. I want to talk about why I'm doing it, and why it took me this long to even consider doing it.

[00:01:01]I grew up in a family where birthdays were not really a thing. Mostly you'll get is a cake and a happy birthday when they'll sing for you, but that was it.

[00:01:11]It wasn't really like a celebration, um making a day special, you know, organizing those type of things.

[00:01:20]And there was no one to take you out, no gifts, no fuss. It was just a normal day where we would just say, "Happy birthday." in the morning and that's what I knew for the longest time.

[00:01:35]And for the longest time, I didn't really think much of it, but somewhere in my adult life, I've noticed something. I started giving other people the exact birthday experience that [music] I never had and I longed for.

[00:01:47]Like for instance, um if I have a partner at the time, I would actually make plans, take them out, get them gifts, and I've also done that for my family, making them feel the most important person in the room.

[00:02:01]And now that I sit and I think about it, I was unconsciously trying to give people what I didn't get. Almost like I was healing my younger version of myself through them.

[00:02:12]It feels good in the moment, but it also means you're constantly pouring into everyone else and rarely, if ever, checking whether anyone else is pouring into you.

[00:02:22]Because here's the truth, since I was 24 years old, that's like 14 years ago, no one has ever done for me what I've done for everyone else, not once.

[00:02:35]And I think that's where the resentment started building, quietly year after year.

[00:02:41]I'm the party planner. I'm the one who always makes sure that everyone feels okay, feels celebrated, feels seen.

[00:02:50]That's a role I stepped into, maybe because it was a familiar role, maybe because it was the only way I knew how to feel needed.

[00:02:59]The problem is when you're the one who's always holding things together, people stop imagining that you might need someone else to hold things for you.

[00:03:08]So, you might be interested to find out what have I been doing with all my birthdays all along. Well, I end up having to plan it all by myself. I have to remind people, tell them what I like, and even then, even when I've spelled it out, it still doesn't happen the way that I've hoped.

[00:03:27]I will tell the person exactly what I would like and even make a gift registry, and things will still fall short. Which, if you think about it, kind of defeats the whole purpose, right?

[00:03:40]If I have to tell you what the surprise is, then it's no longer a surprise anymore. It's just another thing that I have planned.

[00:03:48]What I actually yearn for is so simple when I say it out loud. I want someone to tell me be ready at this time. I don't want to know where we're going. I don't want to be wondering. I don't want to stress. I don't want to coordinate. I just want to be in the moment, you know?

[00:04:02]I don't want to be taking charge of every single thing for that day. I just want to show up and be celebrated. Go home, done, no mental load. That's all that I want. Instead, I live in my own head on my birthday, planning my own joy, which if I'm being honest, takes the fun out of it. And I think that's the part that hurts the most. Not that no one has done it, but that I have become so self-sufficient in my own celebration that sometimes I forget that I'm even allowed to want to be taken care of.

[00:04:32]And yes, I'll still be alone on my actual birthday. My eldest daughter will be at school and my youngest is only like what, 2 months? So, she's still young.

[00:04:43]So, realistically, it's still going to be just me.

[00:04:47]But alone doesn't mean that I'll be sad or miserable. It's just that I'm taking [music] matters into my own hands. So, this year, I'm taking myself out. I'm choosing the place. I'm buying myself something that I actually want, not something practical. I'm giving myself a vision of the day I've been quietly wanting for someone else to hand to me.

[00:05:08]Except that I'm the one handing it to myself.

[00:05:13]And honestly, I think there's something very powerful when you stop waiting for someone to give you the experience that you wanted and instead give yourself that experience. It starts [snorts] It starts to rebuild the trust we have with yourself. It tells the part of you that's been disappointed year after year that you've got this this time. That matters, even if it's not the version that I originally wanted.

[00:05:38]So, as I turn 38, I'm not pretending this is some fully healed, tied with a bow moment. I'm still figuring this thing out in real time. But I want to ask you something because I have a feeling I'm not the only one who feels this way.

[00:05:54]Has anyone else become a person who gives everyone else what they never got?

[00:06:00]The planner, the one who makes sure that everyone else feels celebrated while quietly waiting for someone else to do the same for you.

[00:06:09]I'd really love to hear your story in the comments cuz if you're going through this, too, I see you. And maybe this year we'll start giving it to ourselves [music] first. See you in the next video.

[00:09:39]>> Mhm.

[00:11:34]>> Mhm.

[00:13:21]>> Mhm.