MY STORY WITH... BIPOLAR DISORDER #004

Ajouté : 2026-05-17

[00:00:00]Hello, my name is Ama. I'm a registered nurse and I started a podcast to try and help other people and also to try and navigate myself through my own journey with PTSD.

[00:00:15]Today I have a very special guest who's going to be sharing her story with bipolar disorder. I want to share something that she wrote on her Tik Tok.

[00:00:27]3% of teen girls are diagnosed with clinical bipolar disorder. I am part of that statistic.

[00:00:36]1.4% of diagnosed people will have bipolar until the end of their life. I am part of that statistic.

[00:00:46]43% of people with bipolar develop an addiction to self harm. I am part of that statistic.

[00:00:56]15% of people with bipolar die due to suicide.

[00:01:02]I was almost part of that statistic multiple times.

[00:01:08]That is my why. So, please welcome Cara.

[00:01:23]Let your numb scaring your story. Um, I think it's such an incredible story because so many people struggle with mental health, >> but not a lot of people talk about their struggle with mental health.

[00:02:06]>> Yeah.

[00:02:07]>> So, I want to start with your childhood.

[00:02:09]Um, what was your childhood like?

[00:02:12]So I grew up thinking my childhood was relatively normal but later on I realized a lot of stuff happened that I just my brain didn't comprehend at that time.

[00:02:27]>> So my parents divorced when I was about five 6 years old.

[00:02:32]>> At that time my mom was pregnant with twins.

[00:02:36]>> Sure.

[00:02:37]>> So she became a single mom.

[00:02:39]>> Your father's children.

[00:02:40]>> Yes. Okay. Okay. So, while they were getting divorced, >> she found out she's pregnant.

[00:02:46]>> Yeah.

[00:02:47]>> So, my mom was a single mom with >> a 5-year-old and two a few months old children.

[00:02:55]>> It was a bit hectic. I took on the role of a second mom basically feeling like I didn't get my mom's attention if I didn't clean or cook or change diapers >> or >> actually seeking validation.

[00:03:11]>> Yes.

[00:03:11]>> Through doing those stuff.

[00:03:13]>> Yes. You were seeking attachment.

[00:03:15]>> You're seeking attachment like I I have to do this so I can get your love. I I have to do this so that I can be loved by doing work then she will love me.

[00:03:25]>> Exactly.

[00:03:26]>> Sure. That's very difficult.

[00:03:27]>> Yeah. It was a lot to bear at that age.

[00:03:31]>> Yes. And at that age also you didn't know what that what this what this what you're doing is you know attachment and you're doing this. You were just thinking I'm doing this because then she'll love me. You know I have to do this >> and not thinking about the implications that it's actually having.

[00:03:48]>> Yeah. Sure.

[00:03:50]>> Like a little mind.

[00:03:53]>> Yes. such as cannot comprehend >> the emotional baggage >> that comes with >> the seeking of the validation >> and later on I started having dreams of my childhood. I couldn't remember a lot >> about my childhood. It was puzzle pieces trying to fit together and create a whole picture but it wasn't really >> and I realized I underwent a lot of sexual um harassment, >> if I can call it that. It sounds a bit violent.

[00:04:30]>> No, no, >> but that is what it is.

[00:04:34]>> And it came through in nightmares that I started remembering it. My brain suppressed it at that age to >> protect you, >> protect me.

[00:04:44]>> And I realized that one day I had this childhood friend. We lived in a complex and every day I would go out and play with her and it was nice. She was about two or three years older than me >> and one day she just pushed me in a corner and she told me, you know, let's kiss each other in the places which we shouldn't.

[00:05:05]>> I was so shocked. How can you think of this? Sure.

[00:05:08]>> We're at an age >> seven or eight years old and you're thinking of these stuff.

[00:05:14]>> What was the feeling that you had? Um because obviously now that memory has come back, what made you think this is not just a nightmare, this actually really happened? Where did that connection come from? This is just not a normal nightmare. This was actually reality.

[00:05:34]>> So I struggled with it a lot. I was >> conflicted. I didn't know if this really happened, if I could talk about it because maybe I was getting the details wrong.

[00:05:46]maybe didn't even happen. It was just a nightmare.

[00:05:49]>> And I'm sure you thought, am I going crazy? Like, you know, like maybe there's something wrong with me, you know.

[00:05:55]>> But then I realized uh I got addicted to porn at the age of eight.

[00:06:02]>> Sure. Which is not normal.

[00:06:04]>> Which is not normal. And I realized connecting the dots, being molested basically, >> of course, >> at that age and then making the connection with being addicted to porn at the age of eight >> which is no yes that must tell you that >> surely that didn't come from knowing >> no of course >> there had to be a starting point to lead me >> into that addiction >> sure so I want to go back to that so this happened um and you said it was a girl >> yes >> so when this happened the first time what was your feeling after that like was it like I need to run to tell someone that this happened because this is not right. I've been violated. This is horrible. What was your What were you thinking?

[00:06:56]>> I blatantly told her no and she kept pressuring me and pressuring me >> and I was bullied a lot at that stage >> at school.

[00:07:05]>> Yes. Because I was severely overweight.

[00:07:07]I had a problem with my thyroid >> that wasn't discovered yet. So I didn't get medication or any help I needed. I was really overweight >> attachment at home issues that you had to prove yourself.

[00:07:21]>> So at that point when you have a friend >> in a situation like mine, you try to hold on to it.

[00:07:29]>> Yes. It's that one person that's like, "Hey, but I like you." Yeah.

[00:07:33]>> Hi, I'm interested in you. You're good enough for me. And then it's the completely wrong person.

[00:07:39]>> Sure. And because of that, I kind of just let it happen.

[00:07:47]>> And when that happened, she threatened me. She's going to tell my mom it was my idea if I tell anything.

[00:07:54]>> And this went on for a very long time. I can't >> really figure out still how long, but basically for more than a month.

[00:08:02]>> Sure.

[00:08:03]>> When I started being scared to go out. I didn't want to go out and my mom was pressuring me, why don't you want to go out and play? You're in your room the whole time. You're in the house the whole time that you half >> not knowing >> forces me >> to go out and play.

[00:08:20]>> Mhm. Sure. Did you speak to anyone when it happened the first time?

[00:08:24]>> No. The first time I spoke about this, I was 18.

[00:08:31]>> Sure. Sure. I think that's the biggest problem. Not being able to have had someone to feel safe enough with to say this is what has happened. And that's the sad thing is that there wasn't this person in your life to be >> to be able to say something really bad happened and I need to talk to someone about this. Not your mom, not your dad, no one. You you didn't have anyone to talk to. And that I think in itself is trauma too because maybe if you would have gone to them the first time that trauma could have been dealt with then.

[00:09:09]>> Exactly.

[00:09:09]>> And not at the age of 18.

[00:09:11]>> Yes. Because it builds up. It builds up and it manifests >> in different ways that you don't know >> such as my addiction to.

[00:09:22]>> Yes. Yes. At 8 years old.

[00:09:24]>> At 8 years old.

[00:09:25]>> That's it. that. Did your mommy ever know about that?

[00:09:29]>> No one knew about that. Not sure.

[00:09:31]>> Uh it's actually the first time my current boyfriend knows about it.

[00:09:36]>> I had a boyfriend that was also addicted to porn. So we kind of bonded about that >> like trauma bonding.

[00:09:43]>> Trauma bonding. And that's basically the people that knew.

[00:09:46]>> Sure. That's crazy. And coming back to the the situation that you were in with your with your mom, did you feel validated by this friend? Did you feel that there was validation or did you feel what was your feeling?

[00:10:04]>> I think validated in the sense that someone needed me to do something to >> you felt important.

[00:10:10]>> I felt important.

[00:10:12]>> Needed >> like I added something to someone's life. Mhm. Mhm.

[00:10:17]>> So in my head, not even the fear that my mom is going to think this >> girl is going to run to my mom and say, >> "This is what happened. It's Ka's fault."

[00:10:29]>> Not only the fear of that, but only the also the validation that came from that.

[00:10:36]>> Sure. So, how did all of that end? How how what happened to make all of this end? This girl went to a different girl, but she was much older than we were at that stage >> and told her about this and said she had to join us.

[00:10:55]>> Sure.

[00:10:56]>> This girl completely lost herself and went to my mom to tell her.

[00:11:02]>> I can't even remember my mom's reaction.

[00:11:05]I can't remember the aftermath.

[00:11:07]>> Were you there?

[00:11:08]>> Yes. But my mom never talked about it again. That's why I was also >> doubting that this actually happened because she didn't talk about it again.

[00:11:20]>> Sure.

[00:11:20]>> At all later in my adult life.

[00:11:22]>> Sure. And that's even trauma again because now it's like this avoidance, this like it happened, but let's not talk about it. Yes. You know, like this almost like again you're not being validated. Where's that? I'm so sorry this happened to you. I'm so sorry. Can I give you a hug? I'm so sorry. What can I do to help you? Are you okay? Yeah.

[00:11:43]>> Do you know what I mean? Where's that that softness of of I'm not saying anyone bad, but that's what you needed at that time.

[00:11:51]>> That's what you needed. You needed comfort and not okay, this happened. I might be angry or whatever, but let's never talk about this again. That in itself is trauma.

[00:12:01]>> Yes, definitely. Definitely. And now your whole life you go, okay, I should also probably never talk about this, but what about all these things that I'm experiencing and things that are happening to me, but no, I have to suppress this too because that's what I've been taught.

[00:12:15]>> Yes. And it creates subconscious notions in your mind. Like I said, it came back to me in nightmares, repeated nightmares. And I think that's also why I realized this isn't just a dream >> because it came back and it came back and I've >> Was it the same thing like the same or was it always like a different kind of or was it always the same dream?

[00:12:38]>> No, it was the exact same dream. I would wake up at the exact same time. And I've been struggling with insomnia since I was a child. I remember I would just lie in my bed and wait for my mom to come wake me up in the morning for school. I couldn't sleep at all and I struggled with that >> up until my adult life. And I guess now that I'm thinking about it, it's probably because >> of the trauma that I couldn't sleep at night.

[00:13:06]>> Sure. That is so sad. So after that ended and it everything was just avoided. Um what happened after that?

[00:13:17]Well, like I said, I can only remember my childhood in puzzle that's trying to make a picture. So, um, uh, staying on the theme of childhood trauma, I would say my dad had a relationship with a woman and we were living with them and she had a son >> about five years older than me. Four, five years older than me.

[00:13:46]>> And he would also be weird >> and creepy. Not Yeah. creepy. Mh. Mhm.

[00:13:54]>> And I remember the one time we went to go to the pool and we went to go swim, it was just me and him and he randomly started attacking me, trying to drown me.

[00:14:05]>> Sure.

[00:14:06]>> And he would rip off my swimware.

[00:14:11]>> It was very traumatic at that time, >> but also the doubt was there. He was maybe just playing. M >> but coming back to the trauma you have originally experienced something like that is a trigger >> and something like that is not okay in any shape way or form and irrespective if it's playing or whatever it is that's not what you felt and that's not what your experience was and and that's important to to know that you know that was your experience.

[00:14:42]>> Sure. And then what happened?

[00:14:45]>> It never also it was never talked about.

[00:14:49]Luckily that was the only thing that happened regarding him which I can remember.

[00:14:54]>> Okay. Okay.

[00:14:56]>> You don't know him.

[00:14:57]>> So I don't know. That's the one thing I can remember that happened with him.

[00:15:04]>> That's basically all I can remember from my childhood. It's >> that's like it's almost like you only have bad memories. It's like I only have bad memories.

[00:15:13]>> Sure.

[00:15:13]>> I don't necessarily remember anything else than bullying and >> trauma.

[00:15:19]>> Trauma.

[00:15:20]>> Sure. So coming back to your parents being divorced, you being the mother in the family or playing the mother role, um fighting for your attachment, um because I think Gabbor Mate always talks about authenticity and attachment and you you have to choose one or the other one because you can't have this attachment um as a child without knowing. You try to do everything to please your parents.

[00:15:48]>> Yes. You try to do everything to kind of validate their love and to try and get their love. But then on the other hand, on the other side, there's authenticity.

[00:15:59]And authenticity is this is who I am.

[00:16:02]>> And I'm just going to be me and it's not my job to love for you to love me.

[00:16:07]>> Yeah. I don't need your validation.

[00:16:10]>> I don't need your validation. Yes. I don't need you I don't need to change myself or to attach to what you think or or see love as to take away from my authentic self.

[00:16:22]>> Yes.

[00:16:23]>> Because my authentic self is not lovable or you you can't find love within my authentic self then it's not a good relationship.

[00:16:33]>> Yes.

[00:16:34]>> So I think that's important.

[00:16:36]So what happened? Um so this whole thing happened with the um it it's not what what's it called? A a step step brother.

[00:16:47]Step >> yes. Yes. Not necess my my dad wasn't married.

[00:16:51]>> Oh okay. Okay.

[00:16:52]>> So it's Yeah. Step brother.

[00:16:55]>> Okay. Step brother. Did you ever get counseling or psychology um sessions or did you get any help when your parents got divorced? Yes. Uh I was referred to the school psychologist.

[00:17:09]>> Okay.

[00:17:10]>> But also I can't remember much of it. I remember just a specific part where she asked me I need to draw my family.

[00:17:17]That's that's all I can remember from those sessions. I don't even know how many sessions we had.

[00:17:24]>> But I know I was referred to a school psychologist.

[00:17:27]>> Wow. And so where did the because now you have talked openly about it. You have been diagnosed with bipolar.

[00:17:36]>> Where do you think everything started?

[00:17:41]>> Since I was young.

[00:17:43]>> So, I have not necessarily schizophrenia, but I have a schizophrenic part of bipolar.

[00:17:51]>> Since I was young, I've been seeing things. The earliest I can remember, I was in grade four, >> where I saw a man, a blurry figure of a man walk into my room and sit on a chair in front of my bed and just watching me.

[00:18:10]>> What was your feeling?

[00:18:12]>> I felt at that stadium just numb.

[00:18:16]>> Sure.

[00:18:16]>> That state? Yeah. Just >> numb.

[00:18:19]>> Numb. Were you scared? Were you like was it a reality for you? like like this person's really here. this is a reality or did you realize that oh this person's not real but I'm seeing this person like >> I think there was a silent acknowledgement of >> okay >> this is not real but it's >> yes it's reality for you >> that's why it's was just numb I wasn't scared >> but I wasn't >> normal >> yes that's the first time you had >> an hallucination >> yes but my my aunt is very religious my mother's sister >> and she told me from a young age >> I was standing up on my bed and pointing to corners and stuff. So she would put Bible verses under my mattress because she thought I was possessed.

[00:19:10]>> Sure.

[00:19:11]>> Or something was haunting me.

[00:19:14]>> Sure. And that comes back to in a way bullying because it's like they're saying there's like something wrong with you, you know, like it's almost like this >> something's not okay. you there's wrong there's something wrong with you as a person and it just adds to that trauma and that like bullying that you've had before. It just adds to it. Although maybe in her opinion maybe she thought she was doing something good for you and she was you know praying for you and but in hindsight I think it really just made things worse for you cuz now it's kind of like okay people are telling me that I'm not okay. People are telling me that there's something wrong with me.

[00:19:54]>> Yes. And now that's a difficult place to be in.

[00:19:57]>> And that's only the start of my religious trauma I experienced as well because later in life I got involved in a church and a lot of people told me don't get involved with this church.

[00:20:09]They're very cultish >> and I didn't know at that time. I was like no >> the people are good. Pastors are good, but I was under a leader in the small groups >> and she convinced me my depression and bipolar demons.

[00:20:25]>> Sure.

[00:20:26]>> It's not something >> Yeah. The psychiatrist told me, I will be on pills till the day I die to >> regulate this bipolar, this clinical bipolar that is not going to go away.

[00:20:40]I'm going to have this until I >> reach the end of my life. And she convinced me. She's like, "No, if you pray hard enough, you're going to get off your pills. You're going to be cured of these demons, of these spirits inside of you."

[00:20:57]>> Sure.

[00:20:58]>> A lot of trauma.

[00:21:00]>> Sure. And how did that make you feel?

[00:21:03]And also, why did you decide to go to a church? What what what kind of started that that you thought, okay, maybe I should go to a church?

[00:21:13]my when I was 14, my friend invited me to these small groups. They were organizing and I enjoyed it. I enjoyed talking about my opinions on the Bible, >> uh my feelings towards Christ.

[00:21:30]>> It was fun for me. But I think the deeper I went, the more >> guilt I experienced.

[00:21:37]>> Wow. with to refer to back my trauma with the girl >> because in that sense it's not boy and girl, it's girl on girl >> which >> but it wasn't your fault.

[00:21:54]>> Yes. But in >> you did nothing wrong >> in that time. I was I felt dirty >> because the Bible says you can't be with the same gender. Wow, that's what >> Christians say. You can't be with the same gender. So, I felt dirty like I let this happen and I need to beg >> God to forgive me for for that.

[00:22:17]>> So, you have a lot of shame and guilt for >> for something you didn't even actually do. It was not you.

[00:22:25]>> Sure. So instead of worship and praise, it turned into a way to cope >> with the guilt.

[00:22:34]>> Okay. Sure. And did it work for you?

[00:22:39]>> No. At a stage I met that time my boyfriend. I met him at the church and >> we struggled with lust a lot because we both were addicted to porn.

[00:22:52]>> We had these struggles. He also went through sexual trauma in his life.

[00:22:58]>> So he struggled with lust a lot. People >> made us feel dirty and guilty. Our whole relationship was basically just guilt.

[00:23:07]>> Wow.

[00:23:08]>> What was that relationship like with him like as a person?

[00:23:12]>> He was he was very nice. We were in a healthy relationship >> but in terms of the lust and >> the >> I think he took Christianity to a max >> at that stage I wasn't ready for the level he >> I would say applied to the relationship and it ended because he told me >> basically told me I'm not at his level with Christ.

[00:23:41]>> I see. So again coming back to your theme you're not good enough.

[00:23:47]>> So it's like this common theme your whole life not good enough. You have to find attachment. You have to seek approval. You have to seek validation.

[00:23:56]This common theme throughout your whole life.

[00:23:58]>> Yes.

[00:23:59]>> Sure. Where did the bipolar diagnosis actually start? Where did where where were you first diagnosed and now okay it's on paper. I'm now diagnosed.

[00:24:12]>> When I was 16, another sexual trauma happened with >> a guy also older than me.

[00:24:23]>> I still can't I don't really talk about it because he convinced me at that time he did nothing wrong. M >> so I can't remember the memory so in depth that I can remember if he did something wrong or not because he placed this idea in my head that nothing had happened.

[00:24:44]>> Sure.

[00:24:44]>> So I don't really talk about that but that triggered >> later in life when I was 17 about a year not even a few months later >> and I had a breakdown.

[00:24:56]>> Sure.

[00:24:56]>> So my parents said they're going to get me help. I had a very good friend at that time. She also struggled with mental health and she referred me to a psychologist.

[00:25:07]>> I went to the psychologist and after the first session she told me, Cara, I have a place for people like you.

[00:25:15]>> Sure.

[00:25:15]>> I was so confused. I was like, people like me? Who who are people like me?

[00:25:20]>> And again, now you're not fitting in.

[00:25:22]Like who are people like me? Like what's that?

[00:25:25]>> So I'm not normal.

[00:25:26]>> I'm not normal again. Yeah. So, I was admitted to a psychiatric hospital.

[00:25:32]>> Sure.

[00:25:33]>> Where I finally got my bipolar diagnosis >> and as well ADHD. M >> um I was already diagnosed with anxiety and depression because when I was 14, >> I had an instant uh an incident where I started not being able to breathe properly in the car >> and my limbs went numb.

[00:25:58]>> So my mom rushed me to the doctor. They thought I had Gillian Beret syndrome >> which is basically your immune system starts attacking your nervous system. So I would get pins and needles in my eyelids, in my lips, in my cheeks. My whole face would go numb. I wouldn't be able after these attacks.

[00:26:20]>> I wouldn't be able to move my left leg.

[00:26:24]>> I would have needed support to walk.

[00:26:28]>> And I was in the hospital for three days. They tested everything.

[00:26:33]>> They shocked me to taste my uh reactions. They put needles in me >> to test the radio waves from my nervous system >> and they tested for CO. They tested everything.

[00:26:47]>> Sure.

[00:26:47]>> And it all came back negative.

[00:26:50]>> Sure.

[00:26:50]>> The doctor came to me and she said, "Cara, you just have the worst case of anxiety I have ever seen in my life."

[00:26:59]>> It was a panic attack. It was panic attacks where I would go numb, >> pins and needles everywhere, >> stop breathing, I would pass out.

[00:27:11]>> I would go I would black out and they would have to try to get me awake again.

[00:27:18]>> Sure. That's crazy.

[00:27:20]>> Yes.

[00:27:21]>> And how did the panic attack start?

[00:27:24]>> That was the exact time it started. It came out of nowhere. I had no idea why it happened. But later on in life, I realized my relationship with my mom was really rocky. We would fight a lot.

[00:27:38]>> I was >> Your nervous system couldn't anymore.

[00:27:41]>> Yes. I was also under pressure because I was a top achiever my grade and my parents held a very high standard for me. I couldn't underperform because >> if I did underperform it would be weird.

[00:27:56]It would not be normal >> and you will lose your attachment.

[00:27:59]>> And I will lose my attachment. Again, the theme of validation, someone seeing me as important.

[00:28:08]>> Sure. That is sad. Um, did the panic attacks continue after that time you were admitted?

[00:28:14]>> Yes. Yes. Um, I did go on medication for my panic attacks.

[00:28:20]A they gave me a very low dose and it didn't help. And I was on Xanax on one point. Yeah. Straight drug. I was on that >> for my >> insomnia as well as my anxiety.

[00:28:37]>> That didn't last long because >> Didn't it work for you?

[00:28:40]>> No, it didn't work for me. I still >> woke up in the middle of the night.

[00:28:45]That's how bad my insomnia was. And >> And the panic attacks. No, that died down a little bit, but also not that much.

[00:28:55]>> Okay. So, it was still like a lingering.

[00:28:57]>> Yes. I would still be triggered by something. It didn't >> come >> randomly anymore, >> but I would be able to be triggered by something.

[00:29:06]>> Sure. It's so interesting cuz I also suffer from panic attacks and um mine is completely random. I don't know when it's going to happen. It can be one one day we were sitting and having a barbecue with my my brother and sister and my family and everything was fine.

[00:29:26]We were making pizzas and having a barbecue. It was amazing. I got the worst panic attack of my life and I was like, I need to go to the emergency room. Like this is how bad it is. I was shaking. I couldn't see. It was like blurred vision. It felt like my whole entire body's blood was drained from me and my heart was like pumping for something. Um, it it's the worst feeling I can describe to someone.

[00:29:53]>> I don't wish that on my worst enemy.

[00:29:55]>> Yes. It's honestly such a terrible feeling. And at that time, I didn't know it was a panic attack because I was like, there must be something wrong with me like this is a heart attack or stroke or something, you know. and um went to the ER, tested everything. Um everything came back normal, bloods are normal. You just had a panic attack.

[00:30:15]>> Yes.

[00:30:16]>> And you feel so stupid. You do feel stupid because I mean when I was in the hospital as well, these people wasted all their time doing tests, >> uh, putting me on oxygen, >> helping me just to be a mental thing, not even a physical thing, a mental thing.

[00:30:38]>> But the thing is, it it does translate to a physical thing. And that's the problem.

[00:30:42]>> Most people do not understand it.

[00:30:44]>> Yes. Yes.

[00:30:45]>> Or they think you can control. I wish I could. I wish I could.

[00:30:49]>> They They tell you just calm down.

[00:30:51]>> Yes. Just breathe. Just breathe. It's going to be okay.

[00:30:54]>> Like if I I could do that. I would do that.

[00:30:56]>> Trust me, I would be breathing every day.

[00:30:59]>> Yes.

[00:31:00]>> I I think it's very good to do like breathing exercises and things, but I I I don't think I would be able to handle panic attacks without medication. I would not I'm talking for myself. But it's really that bad that it's just not possible.

[00:31:17]So anyway, coming back to you were admitted in hospital. Um they thought it was Gileian Bare, it was not. You came back getting panic attacks again. Um you've now been diagnosed um in the psychiatric hospital.

[00:31:31]>> Tell me about when you went to the psychiatric hospital at the age of 16.

[00:31:36]>> Um it's quite a scary place I think for a 16year-old. Um I think it's not things that you see there and things that happen um are are very dark and can be very upsetting.

[00:31:51]>> Yes, definitely.

[00:31:52]>> Tell me about your experience the first time.

[00:31:56]>> The first time it wasn't that bad. We were a very big group of teenagers.

[00:32:01]>> Okay. Okay.

[00:32:02]>> We were about 20 teenagers. We were So we stick together.

[00:32:08]>> Okay. Okay.

[00:32:09]>> We did everything together. You kind of had a sense of belonging.

[00:32:12]>> Yes, you had a sense of belonging. And also, I thought it was abnormal for a 16year-old to be diagnosed with bipolar, but so many of the others were also diagnosed bipolar. And it made me feel >> much better about myself.

[00:32:30]>> I'm not alone.

[00:32:30]>> I'm not alone.

[00:32:31]>> I'm not crazy. Yes. Yes.

[00:32:34]>> And also, what happened to you doesn't define you.

[00:32:38]>> Yes. And I think a lot of the time people think that like trauma trauma trauma it's like but yes you had that trauma and yes I believe that the bipolar has a very big influence on the or the trauma has a very big influence on the bipolar the childhood trauma >> but this time you were not isolated you were not seeking this attachment you had a place where >> you had belonging and you felt like there are other people who also suffer just like I do and know what it is to suffer with mental health and you kind of kind of bond around that.

[00:33:17]>> Sure.

[00:33:18]>> So, how was that first time? The second time, sorry.

[00:33:21]>> The second time I was 17 in grade 12 metric.

[00:33:29]>> It was very bad. I would >> my my grades dropped drastically. I would be asleeping class since I couldn't sleep at night.

[00:33:42]>> Sure.

[00:33:42]>> I would sleep in class.

[00:33:44]>> Sure.

[00:33:44]>> And the teachers would get very mad.

[00:33:47]>> And you were an agrade student, remember? So very high performing student.

[00:33:52]>> Yeah. I remember my business teacher as well. She would >> be livid if I fell asleep in her class.

[00:33:59]But I was on such high dosage medication >> and running on no sleep. I would sleep constantly in class >> and I would get panic attacks in the bathroom.

[00:34:11]>> The one time I got such a severe panic attack, the teachers, the male teachers had to come into the girl's bathroom and >> carry me to the car to go home.

[00:34:23]>> That's terrible. That's so terrible. Did you ever feel like like and I I know there is like with bipolar you have your manic and you have your depressive episodes. Um did you ever have a feeling that you thought like this is not worth living like having these panic attacks having these constant um did you ever think feel that way?

[00:34:48]>> Yes. I attempted the first time when I was 17.

[00:34:52]>> Sure. I tried overdosing >> but it didn't work. I woke up, my speech was >> slurred. I couldn't walk properly.

[00:35:02]>> Sure.

[00:35:03]>> But at that sense, you wake up and you think, "Wow, I can't even get this right."

[00:35:09]>> My whole life I've been failing >> and I can't even do this.

[00:35:15]>> That's the story you're telling yourself. Yes.

[00:35:18]>> Sure. That's hard.

[00:35:20]>> Yes. And coming back to the depressive and manic episodes, um how do you manage those and how how did they start?

[00:35:28]Because obviously it doesn't start like this huge manic episode and this huge it kind of like starts with small little ones and then they kind of get bigger and bigger and bigger.

[00:35:36]>> Um explain to me your that kind of journey with your manic and depressive episodes.

[00:35:43]>> So I am not diagnosed bipolar one or two. M >> my psychiatrist told me I showed too many signs of both as well as ADHD and with my former psychologist I was busy with a diagnosis for BPD >> and those symptoms overt.

[00:36:06]So it's very difficult to distinguish bipolar one or two because the one bipolar is more >> long depressive and long manic and the other one is short manic and short depressive and I would be depressed for a month and then I would be manic for a week and then I'd be depressed for a week and manic for a month. So it was completely random and I did I think I didn't manage it at one point because in my depressive episodes my schoolwork will get behind. I wouldn't uh study for tests then in my manic I would be able to sum up a whole book in a week.

[00:36:45]>> So >> that's crazy. And with my hallucinations in my manic as well, I remember one time a voice spoke to me and told me to throw a glass bottle on the floor and harm myself with every piece of glass. And I did do that.

[00:37:04]>> Sure.

[00:37:05]>> And also I couldn't remember. I woke up in the shower.

[00:37:10]>> Sure.

[00:37:10]>> I was confused and I looked at my legs and how I was so shocked. I didn't know what happened and >> that also came later that I remember that.

[00:37:22]>> Sure. So, what did you do when you got out of the shower? How did you kind of put that puzzle together? Like what what do you do straight after like an episode like like that?

[00:37:33]>> Most of the time I don't remember a manic episode. It comes so quickly. Like if I have it for months, that's different. M >> but if it's a day or two days, >> I don't really remember it up until a later date.

[00:37:52]>> What does it feel like when you have a manic episode? What What >> It feels like you're on top of the world.

[00:37:58]>> Wow.

[00:37:58]>> It feels like everything in your life is great and everything is better now. You can leave your pills. Depression is cured. I'm not bipolar anymore. I'm not anxious anymore.

[00:38:12]>> Sure.

[00:38:12]>> It's I don't prefer anything, but >> I would say I prefer mania over depression.

[00:38:21]>> Yeah.

[00:38:22]>> Yeah.

[00:38:22]>> Because it's a it's a strange feeling you cannot explain to someone who hasn't experienced it >> because in their eyes you're just happy >> but >> on the other sides it's like a drug.

[00:38:34]It's like you're on drugs. Your pupils are dilated. you >> like physical symptoms.

[00:38:40]>> Physical symptoms.

[00:38:41]>> Sure. That is crazy.

[00:38:43]>> You go on benders with alcohol. I've never experienced drug abuse, but I have >> like Sorry, Dad. The the one time I remember my >> dad had bottles of vodka, a bottle and a half vodka >> in the closet and he didn't drink vodka.

[00:39:06]>> Oh, wow. So they were out at a bri and I drank a bottle and a half clean vodka >> alone.

[00:39:14]>> Yeah. Alone in the shower listening to sad music.

[00:39:18]>> Sure.

[00:39:19]>> It was so hectic.

[00:39:21]>> Sure.

[00:39:21]>> Um >> but I did it.

[00:39:23]>> And you remembered it then or you didn't remember it?

[00:39:26]>> No, I did remember it. Okay.

[00:39:28]>> But it was also in a state of mania where I was on top of the world and everything was good and everything feels good. And a bottle of vodka.

[00:39:37]>> Found a bottle of vodka no one can touch.

[00:39:40]>> Yo, that is crazy. How How do people around you support you and guide you through back then guide you through those manic and depressive episodes?

[00:39:53]>> I would say my dad and my stepmom were really supportive.

[00:39:58]>> Okay. They weren't the type to say I know a lot of my friends >> who also struggle with mental health but their parents don't believe in it.

[00:40:08]>> They kind of avoid the existence >> that's very sad >> of it. They believe if it's not physical illness it's not an illness >> and I really am grateful for my parents >> that acknowledged that it is a physical illness. If you can't see it, I mean everything that you've told, if you cannot see that as a a real illness, I don't know what will make you believe is a real illness. Like I mean, >> sure that is. Do you feel that you you had enough support? Um you said that your your father and your stepmother gave you a lot of support. Was that enough support or do you think that you needed more support?

[00:40:53]I feel like I sabotaged myself.

[00:40:55]>> Sure.

[00:40:56]>> So, they were willing to give me all the support I know I needed, but I felt like a burden. I felt like I was projecting all my problems on them and making their life more difficult than it should be.

[00:41:11]>> So, I kept most of it to myself.

[00:41:13]>> Sure. That's >> even if I was depressed, they would notice. They would come to me and ask, "Why am I the whole time in my room? Why do I not interact with them? I would just say, "Oh, I'm busy with school work." I wouldn't tell them, "I am struggling."

[00:41:28]>> And my dad has asked me so many times because I get to the point where I break down and I need to be admitted into the hospital.

[00:41:36]>> That builds up, builds up, builds up, and then you have a breakdown.

[00:41:39]>> And he asks me every time, "Why didn't you come to us? Why didn't you >> tell us you needed us? you needed help because >> we were able to provide you with this but you chose not to.

[00:41:52]>> So in a sense I wasn't supported enough but it was >> your own fault. And I have to agree with you there because I think it comes back to your childhood where you chose attachment again >> because it was again if I go to my father then it's I'm going to be responsible for his feelings. I'm going to be responsible for him feeling bad and he me being a burden on him is going to be on me.

[00:42:17]>> Yes.

[00:42:17]>> And it's not true. You can't be responsible for how he reacts, but he's offering you help. It's important to take that help. Yes.

[00:42:25]>> I think but in hindsight, I mean, I know I don't know what you were going through at the time, but it's not easy to ask for help.

[00:42:34]>> No, >> it's difficult to to ask for help. Oh, and I think that's why mental health doesn't it it doesn't uh it's not taken seriously.

[00:42:45]>> Yes.

[00:42:46]>> Because so many people avoid it >> in a whole even people that >> are diagnosed that go to a psychiatrist and they diagnose them, they avoid it.

[00:42:56]They just downplay it. Say it doesn't exist.

[00:43:00]>> I'm not depressed. That's what I did when I was diagnosed with depression and anxiety in >> um when I was 14. I was just like, "No, >> it's not me.

[00:43:11]>> I don't have that. I threw my pills away.

[00:43:14]>> I'm not drinking anti psychotics or depressants."

[00:43:18]>> Anti-depressants because I'm not depressed.

[00:43:20]>> Sure.

[00:43:21]>> Why would I be depressed?

[00:43:23]>> It's that denial. That denial. Complete denial of what it really is.

[00:43:28]>> Yes.

[00:43:29]>> Sure. and also self-awareness because I think maybe if you knew yourself you probably would have been able to say sure I am not okay and I am not functioning and I need help but it's that not having that self-awareness to be able to say >> it's easier to just deny.

[00:43:49]>> Yes, >> definitely.

[00:43:51]So, I want to go back to um I've watched a few of your videos and I find them incredibly interesting and so informative. So, thank you so much for that. Um you were talking about this one video where you were talking about intrusive thoughts >> and I really want to focus on this because I think people don't understand intrusive thoughts. I think there's a lot of misconceptions about what an intrusive thought is. Um, an intrusive thought is not, oh, I had this intrusive thought to have sparkling wine cuz I never drink wine. Like, that's not an intrusive thought. That's just a random thought that's different.

[00:44:35]>> Talk to me a little bit about those intrusive thoughts. So, there was a Tik Tok trend not so long ago where people say, "Oh, my intrusive thoughts told me to dye my hair. Oh, my intrusive thoughts told me to paint my room."

[00:44:50]>> And it it irritated me a lot because that's not intrusive for those are impulsive thoughts.

[00:44:58]>> Yes, that's a good word. Yeah.

[00:45:00]>> People don't know the distinction between the two. as well. There was a trend about over stimulation where over stimulation is actually more in neurody divergent people that have ADHD and autism where the correct word is overwhelmed because everyone can get overwhelmed.

[00:45:18]>> Of course, >> everyone can get overwhelmed, but overstimulated is a completely different word and it's the same with intrusive and impulsive. Intrusive thoughts are also, I would say, some of the taboo >> uh subjects in mental health. Yeah, for sure.

[00:45:33]>> Um, where you think it correlates to OCD as well.

[00:45:40]>> People think OCD is just I need to clean, I need to organize. No, >> but intrusive thoughts >> can be OCD too.

[00:45:46]>> Can be OCD. There's even there are different branches of OCD like one is P OCD where you think you're attracted to a dog, you're attracted to your dad, you are attracted to >> random people that you don't know.

[00:46:02]>> And I've I've experienced that where I think >> the way I avoided everyone because I think, oh, I'm attracted to this person, but I have a boyfriend. What if I just go up and kiss this person? What if I just smack this person? And it's very harmful even for yourself. I've >> felt like a danger to myself and other people because I get these thoughts.

[00:46:26]>> What if I hurt myself? What if I hurt this person? What if I do >> sorry, >> what if I do this? What if I do that?

[00:46:33]What if I jump off a balcony? What if I >> uh open the car door and jump out on the highway?

[00:46:40]>> Sure. I saw that video. That's exp that exact video that I'm talking about where you had to sit on your hands in the car because your intrusive thought was >> what if I open this door and I just jump out in the highway.

[00:46:54]>> That's an intrusive thought. That is an intrusive thought. A thought that is uncontrollable >> and you almost cannot stop yourself from acting on it. Although you know in that moment I don't know in that moment I think the reality is kind of mixed up with like the intrusive thought is so overwhelming that I think it's kind of difficult to to see it as it's just a thought at that time because it's so overwhelming it completely like takes over everything.

[00:47:26]>> Like I say a lot I wouldn't wish it on anyone to be in my mind.

[00:47:31]>> Sure. Because my mind sometimes with the voices in my head with the intrusive thoughts >> everything.

[00:47:40]>> What what do you think it would look like?

[00:47:43]>> Y so a psychologist actually I I went to a psychologist one time and he has asked me to paint what goes on in my mind. I haven't even painted that >> because I don't know what goes on in my mind. There's so much going on on the daily. My mind is never quiet.

[00:48:02]>> Sure.

[00:48:02]>> Never. There's always something going on in my mind.

[00:48:08]>> Does quiet feel unsafe?

[00:48:10]>> Yes. It feels >> surreal.

[00:48:13]>> Sure.

[00:48:14]>> It shouldn't be quiet because >> if it gets quiet, >> something's wrong.

[00:48:18]>> Something's wrong.

[00:48:19]>> Cuz your nervous system is not used to being relaxed. Your nervous system is not used to being safe.

[00:48:25]>> Your nervous system is not used to being okay and relaxing. So quietness and is equals safety which is not familiar for my nervous system.

[00:48:37]>> Yes, exactly.

[00:48:38]>> Sure. That's crazy. That's very very crazy. Um tell me a little bit more about the intrusive thoughts that you have had and how they ended up.

[00:48:49]So like I said, don't intrusive for mostly it's to harm myself or to harm someone else, >> which >> like I said, it's a taboo subject because >> people will think, why would you want to harm someone else?

[00:49:07]>> Of course, you don't want to.

[00:49:08]>> Why would you want to do that? And with the POC, why are you attracted to a dog?

[00:49:14]>> Why do you find a dog attractive? But you don't. don't find that dog attractive, but your mind is like, >> "What if you do this? What if you do that? What if you kiss this random person?"

[00:49:26]>> And it's a internal struggle the whole time. I love my boyfriend. Why is it telling me I find this guy attractive? I don't find this guy attractive. I don't want to kiss this guy. And then it's but what if you want to kiss this guy? And it's >> it's struggle the whole time. I don't want to do this, but you have to do this, but you want to do this. I don't want to do this. It's a It's a mess.

[00:49:51]>> Sure.

[00:49:52]>> Yes.

[00:49:52]>> Like two monsters fighting each other in your head and then the third one comes and says, "I want to play along, too."

[00:49:58]>> Yes.

[00:49:58]>> And then you're kind of like, "Okay, who am I going to listen to?" And a lot of the time I just smack my head. I'm like, >> "Sure, >> shut up.

[00:50:07]>> Stop it now."

[00:50:08]>> Yes. Yes. How how are those in intrusive thoughts now that you're on medication?

[00:50:14]So, I'm on a lot of antiscychotics. I drink >> almost 2,000 milligrams of antiscychotics a day. Uh, three different >> Sure.

[00:50:27]>> kinds.

[00:50:28]>> That's a lot.

[00:50:29]>> It is a lot. And I still struggle with my intrusive thoughts. It has gotten better. It's not >> as bad as it used to be. It isn't constant 24/7 anymore, but it's still there. I don't have to sit on my hands anymore when I'm in a car.

[00:50:47]>> Sometimes it does go through my mind, but it's not >> it's more like a thought now. It's more like >> it's more like it goes in and it goes out. It's not >> impulse that the very very like taken over kind of.

[00:51:01]>> Yes. And it's mostly when I'm manic.

[00:51:04]It's when it uh when I'm in a depressive state, >> it's not that bad. But when I'm manic, the thoughts, they never die. They're constantly constantly there.

[00:51:17]>> So interesting. Why do you think you never used drugs? because it's very interesting for me that you you never use drugs because um the statistic that I read earlier was about um substance abuse and mental health and how um of course alcohol is also a substance abuse but I feel like a lot of teenagers especially would run to drugs to numb that kind of feeling. Why was that never a thought for you?

[00:51:46]>> I really don't know. I really don't know. Um, I did at one stage I was leaning towards weed. Okay.

[00:51:56]>> But I wasn't like a regular user. I would buy >> an edible and eat it once in >> seven months.

[00:52:04]>> Okay.

[00:52:05]>> I I don't know. I really I'm grateful that I never walked that path.

[00:52:09]>> But I think what why I avoided it is I have an extremely addictive personality.

[00:52:15]Like porn. I watched porn one time and I was addicted for >> 10 years.

[00:52:21]>> Sure.

[00:52:21]>> I've been sober from porn for 2 years.

[00:52:24]>> Sure. Well done.

[00:52:26]>> Yes. It was difficult but >> Well done.

[00:52:29]>> It's necessary because it messes up your mind.

[00:52:33]>> Completely.

[00:52:34]>> Completely. But also with the alcohol, I was drinking since I was 15 >> cuz I looked >> more mature for my age than I should have. So walk into a bar and >> wouldn't ask for an ID.

[00:52:47]>> They wouldn't ask for an ID.

[00:52:49]>> So I drank from the age of 15, but it never became >> when I would drink, I would drink a lot.

[00:52:56]>> Okay. So it was like you were numbing it with alcohol, but you never used something.

[00:53:01]>> It wasn't a constant. I wouldn't go out every weekend and be drunk.

[00:53:07]>> Sure. I see. I'm very happy for that.

[00:53:10]And I I was just wondering why it never went that way.

[00:53:15]>> Coming back to to the bipolar, um now that you are on medication, what are the biggest struggles now that you you are on medication? Of course, there are still struggles and especially with side effects of medications for example.

[00:53:29]>> Yes.

[00:53:30]>> Um what what are your biggest struggles now even though you are on medication, you are being medicated? I would say my medication didn't help as much before, >> but when I was um in 2024, >> no, it was 2025. Was it 20 2025? When I was the last time I was in the hospital, I received electroshock therapy.

[00:53:56]>> Okay.

[00:53:57]>> So, they put you under anesthesia. They put stickers on your head and they shock you like you convulse.

[00:54:06]And I went for three or four sessions. I can't really remember.

[00:54:11]>> And suddenly my medication worked perfectly.

[00:54:13]>> Wow.

[00:54:14]>> So a lot of people >> told me don't do it.

[00:54:19]>> There's a lot of stigma around that.

[00:54:20]>> There's a lot of Yeah. A lot of people I even mentioned in in one of my videos and a lot of people commented, "No, never do that. Don't do that. Messed up my mind. It messed up this."

[00:54:32]>> But what works for one might not work for someone else. Yes, because I haven't attempted at all since >> I did the electroshock therapy. It helped me completely. It >> I was still manic sometimes, but my depression was >> completely gone.

[00:54:51]>> Completely gone.

[00:54:52]>> On medication.

[00:54:53]>> On medication.

[00:54:54]>> On medication. So, the medication actually started to work.

[00:54:57]>> Yes. It's literally what the ECT does.

[00:54:59]It stimulates the chemicals in your brain. Firstly, secondly, it helped your medication to work better and more effectively.

[00:55:08]>> Sure. And after the ECT therapy, how how was how were the few days after that and months after that? Did you feel anything strange or confused or how was your feeling after getting the the therapy?

[00:55:23]>> So, I'm not one to get headaches, but I had real bad migraines. I would you I would feel like I'm dying from my head.

[00:55:34]>> Did you regret it at a stage like I shouldn't have done this >> and my body was so sore.

[00:55:40]>> I had to stand up at half 5 every morning and I had to inject me with um muscle relaxers.

[00:55:49]>> So, but still after those strong doses of muscle relaxers, my body was still stiff and sore. It felt like I >> was at the gym three times a day and my memory was awful. I was so confused for >> three or four months after that. I confused my sentences. I would say the beginning the word I wanted to say in the beginning of the sentence. I would say at the end of the sentence >> and I thought every day was Sunday.

[00:56:19]Every day was Sunday for me. I even forgot my dad's name. I forgot my boyfriend's name.

[00:56:25]>> Yeah. How was that for them? Because of course they wouldn't know that everything will be okay like it is now.

[00:56:32]How how do you think it was for them seeing you like that?

[00:56:35]>> My dad and my boyfriend were understanding.

[00:56:38]>> Um my stepmom and I didn't from that stage on we didn't get along.

[00:56:44]>> Okay.

[00:56:44]>> Really and she would make me feel very dumb >> about everything. She would make me feel stupid >> like why you mixing up your sentences?

[00:56:55]Why are you thinking it's Sunday? Why are you doing this? Why are you being like this?

[00:57:01]>> And I would apologize and say the doctor told me I would be confused for 3 or 4 months. And she would say, no, but that's not an excuse.

[00:57:11]>> Sure.

[00:57:11]>> I wouldn't think. I was like, okay, >> again, your fault coming back. It's your fault and the guilt that you have.

[00:57:19]>> Sure. That is very, very sad. So, now that you are on medication, what side effects do you have now that you do you have a lot of side effects from all of the medication? Cuz I was watching this video. Um, people always do like the clicks hall and the disc chemole and and you were doing like a look at my clicks haul and it was like 4,000 rands worth of medication and that was just for one month. One month.

[00:57:46]>> Yes. A lot.

[00:57:47]>> I'm sure there are lots of side effects too. Um, how do you feel about the the side effects? Although mentally you're doing so well and you are you are really I think at a good place now.

[00:57:59]>> Definitely.

[00:58:00]>> Um, but it takes a lot to get there.

[00:58:03]>> Yes.

[00:58:04]>> Um, so the medication I would say the side effects aren't that bad.

[00:58:09]>> Oh, good. Okay. Um, since I've changed a lot of medication and the psychiatrist has played around a lot with the dosage and the type of medication I drink, my side effects are fine.

[00:58:21]>> Okay.

[00:58:21]>> The medication I drink at night are very strong since I struggle with insomnia.

[00:58:27]>> So, I would sleep when I wasn't used to it, I would sleep up until 1:00 in the afternoon.

[00:58:34]>> Sure. So if I don't drink my pulse at 8 8 p.m.

[00:58:39]>> I would sleep >> till the next day in the afternoon.

[00:58:44]>> Sure.

[00:58:45]>> It It's bad. And also I mentioned in my trick when I was drinking these high doses, I would fall asleep in class.

[00:58:52]>> Yes.

[00:58:54]>> Every day, every period, I would sleep in class. It was >> horrible. can't imagine how you were coping like and being your final year of school at such an important year >> and having so much pressure and so much mental health problems in that year that's such an important year >> that's really difficult to deal with.

[00:59:16]>> Yes, >> it's really really difficult.

[00:59:19]>> Sure. Did any of the teachers understand? Did they all did any of them like did you confine or com find comfort and support in any of them?

[00:59:28]>> Yes. So my biology teacher was very understanding. She was very nice. I went to her. She was the head of the grade.

[00:59:37]>> Okay.

[00:59:37]>> Yes. So I went to her to explain I would be admitted into a hospital. I can't do this assignment and this assignment >> and she was very understandable. And she asked me is is this why you sleep the whole time? It's like yes it is. It's >> not because I'm partying or >> it's not because I'm >> going out every weekend.

[01:00:01]>> Yes.

[01:00:02]>> So, she told me, "Okay, that's fine.

[01:00:04]I'll speak to the other teachers so they are also aware of this." That's great.

[01:00:09]>> She was very understanding and I appreciate her.

[01:00:12]>> So, >> up until this day, I was >> very grateful for her because she made the experience much easier than it would have been.

[01:00:22]>> Sure. Before um we finish, I want you to just tell us a little bit about um I watched the videos where you talked about my stories um or your stories where you have hallucinations and things that you see.

[01:00:38]>> Um tell me a little bit about those hallucinations and the stories um that you told about having those hallucinations.

[01:00:48]Like I said, my first hallucination was a man sitting across, >> but a lot of my hallucinations are auditory, >> okay?

[01:00:56]>> So, I hear them.

[01:00:58]>> And >> the one time on the theme of religious trauma, I went into psychosis. That's >> also a subject not many people want to touch on is religious psychosis. And I I fully believed God was talking to me, >> but not in the sense that he's reaching out to me and blessing me.

[01:01:22]>> He's yelling at me.

[01:01:24]>> Sure.

[01:01:25]>> Bless your whole house.

[01:01:27]>> And I was running around and I was screaming >> and I was putting oil on every thing and I was praying for everything. I was praying for a bed frame. I was praying for the TV. It was crazy. Um, so I get a I got a lot of those. That's why I also left the church >> because I felt a lot like God is speaking to me but not >> in a Christian way.

[01:01:53]>> It kind of the the hallucinations were in a negative form.

[01:01:57]>> Yes.

[01:01:57]>> Sure.

[01:01:58]>> Yes. And I still sometimes hear voices.

[01:02:02]Um, it's mostly when I'm manic, but these days it's not that bad. But also the other night I woke up my boyfriend.

[01:02:09]I'm a bit of a later sleeper than he is.

[01:02:13]I woke up my boyfriend and I'm asking him, "Do you hear that?"

[01:02:16]>> And he's so confused. He's like, "Hear what?" I'm like, "No, the little girl speaking. Are you not hearing that?

[01:02:24]>> No. No." And he sat with me up until I actually fell asleep because I constantly heard little girls speaking to me.

[01:02:32]>> Sure.

[01:02:33]>> And I still see shadow figures. Mhm.

[01:02:36]>> Um h how do you now when you hear those auditory um hallucinations and the just the visual hallucinations, what how is it different now on medication compared to when maybe you were not on the right medication or not on medication cuz now it doesn't cause you to go into that like psychotic spiral. Now it's just like I see you, I hear you, but not today. Yes. you know it's like you have control almost of it like to say okay not today I see you and I hear you like you said um how how's that different for you >> the antiscychotics really helped me in the sense that I know it's not there >> okay it's almost like confirmation of like no it's not real >> yes I I still get scared sometimes I really do >> still get scared because I thought I would hear things >> like The one time also I was living in a apartment on my parents' property and I sw I swore I heard >> rats in the walls >> and my dad would be so confused because he never heard them.

[01:03:45]>> Sure.

[01:03:46]>> And he put poison in every cupboard.

[01:03:50]These small blue pebbles >> and the one time I was so but it didn't stop. I kept hearing rats in my walls and I was so the one time I freaked out.

[01:04:03]I opened every cupboard trying to look for these rats >> and I remember I saw a >> cockroach >> standing upright with a blue pebble in its hands. And I think to myself, >> is this real or am I am I experiencing an hallucination? Mhm. Mhm.

[01:04:23]>> Because where do you see a cockroach standing upright >> and holding a rat >> holding a rat pebble in his hand?

[01:04:33]>> Sure. Very unlikely.

[01:04:35]>> Very unlikely. And I was also left alone that um a month or two, no more two, three months ago, I was left alone in my boyfriend's house. He went to work >> and he has the security company came to install alarms >> and they and they kept the um the hole in the roof open. So where you climb up into the roof >> and I swore I heard footsteps and I was so scared. I'm calling his mom. I'm asking her whether was the hall always open because it's the first time I notice it's open and I'm hearing footsteps.

[01:05:23]It was crazy. And my boyfriend's only coming home at 11:00. Oh, >> I was just I locked myself in my room >> and he has a sword >> but that his dad gave to him and I'm just sitting there with the sword on the bed >> in my locked room.

[01:05:41]>> Sure.

[01:05:41]>> Trying to cope while hearing all these things, the things in the walls, the footsteps. So, it gets it still gets bad sometimes.

[01:05:52]>> Um, that's why I'm also >> I'm very paranoid.

[01:05:57]uh with the anxiety and the hallucinations. I'm a very paranoid person. So, I can't necessarily watch horror movies in the night because it freaks me out entirely. Suddenly, someone is at the door. Suddenly, someone is looking at me through the window.

[01:06:12]>> Yes, >> that would be horrible. Not a good movie to watch. Let's stick with comedy.

[01:06:19]And um I know you also talked about um a situation where I I can't remember if you said it was an intrusive thought or um an hallucination or what what it was um or a detachment, but you had a thought to take a bottle and self harm with this bottle.

[01:06:38]>> Yes.

[01:06:39]>> Can you tell me that story?

[01:06:41]>> I told you now.

[01:06:43]>> Oh, >> it was the story. Was it the same? I thought it's the story. No, where the the voice spoke to me and told me.

[01:06:51]>> Okay. Sorry. It did open the show.

[01:06:53]>> Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Okay. Sorry. Sorry.

[01:06:56]I was confusing that one with the whiskey. Not the whiskey. The vodka. The vodka. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry. My mistake.

[01:07:02]>> It's fine. It's fine. Yes. So, I want to talk about forgiveness because I think we all have trauma and I think it's part of life and I think that we have to try to find a way to deal with it to get through it. It's difficult. It's not linear.

[01:07:24]>> Um I think it's kind of like a gravel road and a very big mountainous kind of venture because it's up and down and up and down. Yes.

[01:07:33]>> Um, did you forgive or have you forgot forgiven um the people for what they've done to you?

[01:07:42]>> People always say forgiven forget. I say forgive but never forget >> because that's where you come from. That is the story >> that you are allowed to tell. It's your story and who you not who you are but what formed you and what formed your current personality your current mindset. So yes I forgave them for what they did. I think a small part of me will never forgive them because >> I could have avoided so much suffering in my life if they didn't do to me what they did do to me.

[01:08:17]>> Definitely.

[01:08:17]>> And I feel like >> I wouldn't have done that to someone.

[01:08:21]Why would you do that to someone?

[01:08:24]>> But I will never forget because >> it caused me so much pain but it also formed who I am.

[01:08:32]>> Even the negative things people like to say don't let it define you. Yes, it doesn't define you but it does form who you are. Even the negative things, not only the positive things. I'm not here.

[01:08:44]I'm not strong. I'm not brave now because I only had a good life. Mhm.

[01:08:50]>> I'm brave and I'm strong because I suffered through things and it made me strong. It made me brave. It made me courageous.

[01:08:58]>> Sure. That's beautiful. And someone who's sitting at home now, maybe a teenager or old, young, whatever, someone sitting at home suffering in silence. Um I think this is the biggest problem with mental health is we don't talk about it. We don't say I'm suffering. We don't say, "I'm not coping."

[01:09:22]>> What advice would you give to someone who's at home suffering in silence, not telling anyone? What advice would you give them?

[01:09:32]>> Well, it's pretty straightforward to tell someone because suffering with that in my personal experience, it makes trauma 10 times worse.

[01:09:41]>> Because if you can't talk to someone, >> write it down in a journal. Experience it. Go through that. Because by talking to someone, you experience it. It's not nice to experience it.

[01:09:52]>> But by experience it, you heal.

[01:09:55]>> Yeah.

[01:09:56]>> Because if you keep it in the back of your mind the whole time, >> it's never going to get out.

[01:10:00]>> It's never going to get out. It's never going to heal. You're never going to heal >> because it's there constantly. Don't deal with it.

[01:10:07]>> Even South Africa has so many help lines. They do have suicide helplines.

[01:10:13]They have volunteers. They have at the police stations. I know they have crisis >> uh counseling that's >> freeable.

[01:10:23]>> South Africa has a lot of mental health resources that I researched while I was busy.

[01:10:29]>> I am fortunate enough to be on a medical aid so I can have access to private care but a lot of people do not.

[01:10:37]>> Yeah. And they're suffering in silence.

[01:10:39]And I think a lot of the time that suffering in silence then rolls over to addiction.

[01:10:45]>> Yes.

[01:10:46]>> And I think that's the sad part because it's like I can't deal with this suffering.

[01:10:50]>> That's how they cope. That's a coping mechanism.

[01:10:53]>> Substance abuse comes because it's a way to cope.

[01:10:56]>> Yes. Cuz I forget about it during that time. I don't have to deal with it during that time. And I think it's very sad, but also I I can't judge that because at the same time, you don't know what that person's going through and how they're suffering.

[01:11:13]>> So I never ever look at a person who is addicted to drugs and say you chose this because I don't think there's one drug addict who has chosen to do that.

[01:11:23]>> Not at all. They all have their story.

[01:11:25]>> 100%. Definitely.

[01:11:28]um do you think there's still a stigma attached to mental health um and just in general or do you think we've kind of gone past that stigma phase of because I think a few years ago it was very stigmatized like only crazy people go to psychologists only crazy people go to psychiatric hospitals um but it's become very real that mental health is real just as is high blood pressure or cancer or it's an organ in our body. So I don't know why there's this detachment from it's part of our it's like it's cut off.

[01:12:08]It's one system and it's working together >> and our brain is just as important.

[01:12:13]>> Um do you think there is still stigma?

[01:12:16]>> I feel like we've come a long way.

[01:12:18]Definitely we've come a long way.

[01:12:20]There's so many more people researching mental health >> and coming forward with mental health, but I feel like there's a lot more to improve.

[01:12:32]>> Like I said, in my personal circle, I know a lot of people whose parents don't want to give them help.

[01:12:38]>> There's a specific >> girl that also I know has experienced a lot of trauma that she can't talk to her mom about and she can't receive any medication. Sure.

[01:12:50]>> Because her mom doesn't believe in that.

[01:12:53]>> Um I know other girl as well, one of my very close friends >> that her mom doesn't want to take her to a psychologist.

[01:13:03]>> Sure.

[01:13:04]>> It's just >> sad.

[01:13:06]>> It's sad. And there are a lot of people that think like that. So I think we have progressed. There's a lot more research.

[01:13:13]There's a lot more resources to reach out to. But also if you look at the suicide statistics, >> um, >> men are the gender that mostly suffer from this.

[01:13:30]>> And >> do you ever see men talking about this?

[01:13:33]>> Exactly. It stems from the idea that men need to be strong, that men need to be the provider and they need >> they can't show emotions.

[01:13:43]>> Yes. They can't show emotions. They need to be this perfect ideal strong.

[01:13:49]>> Yes.

[01:13:50]>> Father figure.

[01:13:52]>> Mhm.

[01:13:52]>> And that is why the statistics point to that.

[01:13:56]>> Because they were never allowed to express their feelings.

[01:13:59]>> They were never allowed to especially I think uh like older generations it was boys don't cry. Yes.

[01:14:07]>> You know men don't cry. You don't do that. You don't show your exper your emotions.

[01:14:10]>> My boyfriend was like that as well. And I told him, I think the strongest thing a man can do is cry.

[01:14:17]>> Is cry 100%. So being vulnerable. It's difficult. It's not easy. It's difficult to be vulnerable. If you were programmed to suppress everything. You were programmed to not show emotion. It's almost like with the with the panic attacks is that your nervous system doesn't understand safety. And here you you don't know how to express the emotion because you were never taught because you were always told stop crying. Boys don't cry. Don't cry.

[01:14:47]>> And we need to stop that.

[01:14:49]>> Yes. Is very serious. If you're >> a man or woman.

[01:14:54]>> Yes. Yes.

[01:14:55]>> It's very serious. We're all just people at the end of the day. Race, ethnicity, >> gender.

[01:15:02]>> Definitely.

[01:15:02]>> We're all just people.

[01:15:03]>> People trying to navigate our own little world. Exactly.

[01:15:07]>> And I think that is exactly what I'm doing here too is just to try to just be hear people's stories and maybe when you hear someone else's story a maybe you're in a situation where you can get help but but also it's maybe if you hear this person's story then you will also think oh I judged that person the wrong way >> or you know like oh I didn't know that this was their story.

[01:15:32]>> Yes. So it's it's a very good thing I think that to just talk about things.

[01:15:38]Talk about things.

[01:15:39]>> Yeah.

[01:15:40]>> My last question for you and I think um I always ask this question. If you had like a motto or some kind of saying that you wish people would have um applied to their life to make life just kinder and a nicer place. Um what would that be?

[01:16:02]Well, I think the main thing that ruled my life was suicide.

[01:16:07]>> Sure.

[01:16:08]>> That was my main problem in life. Even when I was young, when I was bullied, I felt like I didn't want to be here. And that's not a thought that has to go through a 9-year-old's mind at all.

[01:16:21]>> So, that is my main thing.

[01:16:23]>> And I heard this quote once. My cousin actually told me this quote when I >> I was younger and she told me suicide is a permanent solution for a temporary problem.

[01:16:40]>> Sure.

[01:16:40]>> And that really opened up my eyes.

[01:16:43]>> And I think that's my motto in life even >> because I'm so dramatic.

[01:16:48]>> If a small thing goes wrong, I'm like, "No, >> I don't want to be here.

[01:16:53]>> I'm done." Yeah.

[01:16:54]>> And then I tell myself it's a permanent solution for a temporary problem.

[01:17:00]>> That's so beautiful. Sure. That's beautiful.

[01:17:03]>> Is there anything else that you wanted to add?

[01:17:06]>> No, I just think people need to accept who they are even if they have mental problems.

[01:17:13]>> Choose your authentic self.

[01:17:15]>> Choose your authentic self.

[01:17:16]>> You don't have to be validated by anyone.

[01:17:19]>> No. And even I saw with my Tik Tok page, I started out talking about school stuff and then randomly it turned to mental health stuff. Wow. And I really I have received backlash.

[01:17:33]>> People telling me I'm not normal. I am crazy.

[01:17:37]>> Why you on this platform telling people about this? Sure.

[01:17:41]>> But then again, so many more people have told me my story has inspired them >> to feel better about themselves. The way I The way I tell my stories >> help them realize it's not the end of the world because it isn't the end of the world. It shouldn't be the end of the world. Like I said, it's a permanent solution for a temporary problem. Yeah, >> I'm not religious, but uh a verse that has always stick to me is this too shall pass.

[01:18:12]>> Yes, so true, >> which is very true. This shall pass.

[01:18:17]Yeah, definitely.

[01:18:20]Well, I want to say well done to you and thank you for speaking about mental health and thank you for your page and thank you for the awareness that you have created and how how many people's life you've changed because of your content.

[01:18:36]>> So I want to say please keep on bringing that.

[01:18:39]>> Oh yeah definitely definitely I will not be silenced ever. Please keep on doing that. And I really want to say to you, thank you so much for sharing your story. It's an incredibly um like it it really touches my heart and I really think that for you I hope for the future that you will have just prosperity and that you will have >> the space to be able to talk about your journey and your story because it's yours.

[01:19:13]>> Yes, >> it's your story.

[01:19:14]>> Absolutely. and you still have the pen in your hand and I think you have control over the next chapters and I think it's going to be beautiful.

[01:19:23]>> Yes. Thank you so much that I could be here. I love sharing my story with you.

[01:19:28]>> Thank you so much.