grandparents: generational trauma or legacy?

Added: 2026-05-13

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[00:00:54]>> No one ever talks about Chinese grandma cooking. Talk about legacy. The food.

[00:00:59]>> Food.

[00:01:00]>> I inherited this and now I can choose to live differently.

[00:01:02]>> It's so funny to see like where Chinese people live. There's a lot in Kansas.

[00:01:06]>> No. And there's even fewer in Little Rock, Arkansas.

[00:01:10]>> Who is your favorite?

[00:01:21]Hello and welcome to another episode of Hot Pursuit, a podcast about creating conversations where nothing is off limits. I'm M.

[00:01:29]>> I'm Jen.

[00:01:30]>> And I'm Meline. And today we're going to be talking about grandparents. Do they give you generational trauma?

[00:01:37]>> Yikes.

[00:01:38]>> Or generational legacy? They have their own stories and backgrounds and we are but a fraction of that. And so we're going to talk about how they influenced us and how they've made us who we are today.

[00:01:51]>> Are y'all's grandparents still alive?

[00:01:54]>> One of them is one out of the four.

[00:01:57]>> Same one.

[00:01:58]>> Yeah.

[00:01:58]>> Got one left.

[00:01:59]>> One left.

[00:02:00]>> Same one.

[00:02:01]>> One left.

[00:02:01]>> Wow. Wow.

[00:02:02]>> That means we're still kind of young.

[00:02:05]>> We still have our grandparents. Okay.

[00:02:07]So, we all have one grandparent. Where does yours live and who are they?

[00:02:12]>> Mine lives in the Philippines. Her name is Lily.

[00:02:21]>> Her English name.

[00:02:22]>> Are you close with Lily?

[00:02:24]>> Lily and I have >> It's so strange calling her her first name.

[00:02:30]>> By her first name.

[00:02:31]>> It feels irreverent.

[00:02:33]>> No. Um, >> Amma speaks Fua.

[00:02:37]>> So, I don't speak that and I'm so pissed about it cuz I speak the other two languages.

[00:02:42]>> So, I can I can speak to her in Cantonese and in Mandarin and she understands, but I can't. She like I can't speak her native tongue. So, she'll speak back and I'll understand like >> like a little bit.

[00:02:53]>> You're like, "Yeah, >> yeah, >> a little bit." Because it's still Chinese, you know? But >> were you close with any of your other grandparents? living grand Lily's husband also language barrier >> uh and he was a very quiet man. My other set of grandparents I was much closer with >> but they passed away when I was quite young.

[00:03:12]>> A >> okay >> how about you M >> my last living one his name is Timothy.

[00:03:19]>> He currently lives in Texas.

[00:03:21]>> Shalom.

[00:03:23]>> No Timothy Lynn.

[00:03:27]He's very fun. He's the most interesting man in the world.

[00:03:31]>> Wow. He that story, that joke, >> so many stories.

[00:03:36]>> I just I don't know. He's like saved someone from dying. He was in a newspaper article. He like scared off the gang because they saw him. He was Chinese and he did the one kung fu move that he knew and they were like, "Oh, we can't mess with him." And then they started attending his church. He's he's a very interesting man.

[00:03:55]>> Wow.

[00:03:55]>> Yeah.

[00:03:56]>> We can't mess with him. Let's start attending his church.

[00:03:59]>> Yeah. Yeah. And they called him >> Sufu. Sufu.

[00:04:02]>> Sufu.

[00:04:04]>> What about the other grandparents that >> they are in heaven?

[00:04:07]>> Yeah. Yeah.

[00:04:07]>> We got Steven. He went to heaven first.

[00:04:11]Then it was Maya. She was She's the only one with the Chinese name. Then it was Ununice.

[00:04:16]She went to heaven last year. She's my favorite. Now we got Timothy. Timothyy's the last one.

[00:04:21]>> Fort.

[00:04:21]>> Yeah.

[00:04:22]>> I have one grandparent uh in Shanghai.

[00:04:26]Um, I don't know his >> What is their government name?

[00:04:30]>> I don't know his >> English.

[00:04:32]>> He doesn't have an English.

[00:04:33]>> What do you call him?

[00:04:34]>> Um, I call him Wong Wong. Wong. Yeah.

[00:04:38]The grandparent that I'm closest to is my grandma who isn't also in heaven.

[00:04:42]>> Mhm.

[00:04:42]>> Um, I call her Wua. Is >> she and she's my mom's mom. Your mentor.

[00:04:46]And then I didn't really know my grandparents on my dad's side because they passed early. So, >> yeah. So, I had one main grandparent growing up that I was close to.

[00:04:54]>> Oh, yeah. Yeah, >> I think we all have like one.

[00:04:56]>> Yeah, we all have that one in mind.

[00:04:57]>> The one.

[00:04:58]>> I'm so envious when people say that they're they're going to see like their grandma or their grandparents just to hang out on the weekend. I'm so jealous.

[00:05:06]>> Yeah.

[00:05:07]>> I never cared to hang out with my grandparents around the weekend cuz they didn't like care about me.

[00:05:12]>> Oh, >> it's not like they're going to play with me.

[00:05:16]>> I think it's like a very white people thing to be like, "My grandma is my best friend."

[00:05:20]>> No, not even best friend. It's just like I'm going to go see my grandparents.

[00:05:23]like I don't even have that option, you know? Yeah.

[00:05:26]>> Did your grandparents live in like your vicinity growing up? Like were they close by or No, >> the furthest away they were was California.

[00:05:34]>> So I never went overseas to visit my grandparents.

[00:05:37]>> Yeah.

[00:05:37]>> Yeah. And my dad's parents moved 5 minutes away from our house. So I grew up kind of with them.

[00:05:43]>> Yeah.

[00:05:43]>> Oh, so you had them close by. So I don't even see you on the weekend.

[00:05:46]>> Yeah. Yeah. But that's when my grandma got Alzheimer's. So I saw her decline over 15 years. Oh, >> I saw her lose her mind, >> but we'll talk about that later.

[00:05:55]>> Yeah, >> you had your your grandparents were overseas.

[00:05:59]>> Yeah, one set of them was overseas and the other set was in Little Rock, Arkansas.

[00:06:03]>> Cute. It's so funny to see like where Chinese people land.

[00:06:06]>> I know.

[00:06:08]>> Like scatter them into the wind. They'll find somewhere.

[00:06:10]>> Yeah, there's a lot in Kansas.

[00:06:13]>> No.

[00:06:14]>> No.

[00:06:14]>> No.

[00:06:15]>> Okay.

[00:06:15]>> Yeah. And there's even fewer in Little Rock, Arkansas.

[00:06:21]Did you go and visit much or was it just smattering here and there in case?

[00:06:24]>> Yeah. No, when when they were alive, we visited them at least once or twice a year at least. Yeah. It's like a seven-hour drive and then Okay.

[00:06:34]>> And then we have other they have children or I guess like I have aunts and uncles that that used to live in Little Rock, too. So, >> who is your favorite?

[00:06:40]>> You don't have to have one. Do you have one?

[00:06:43]>> Well, I was the closest to my maternal grandma.

[00:06:48]I loved the maternal grandfather, but he passed when I was really young.

[00:06:52]>> He was so fun though, but I just didn't have the opportunity to like be close to him. Yeah. So, that's why I say like when people say that they can go hang out with their grandparents, like I'm so jealous.

[00:07:03]>> Their grandparents are alive.

[00:07:04]>> Alive. And then those are the ones that those are the ones that I could speak to.

[00:07:08]>> Mhm. Okay.

[00:07:08]>> And understand.

[00:07:09]>> They knew English.

[00:07:10]>> No, no, no. Cantonese.

[00:07:11]>> Okay.

[00:07:12]>> Yeah.

[00:07:13]>> My favorite was also my maternal grandma. Oh, >> me too. Wow, that's crazy.

[00:07:19]>> Yeah, she she truly loved me.

[00:07:22]>> Yeah, >> I felt I felt like the other ones like loved me cuz I was their grandkid, but I felt like that she like saw Emily.

[00:07:30]>> She really loved me.

[00:07:31]>> Well, that's so interesting. I'm thinking of a lot of other close friends like it. They're also close with the maternal grandma.

[00:07:36]>> Something been in the lineage. Yeah.

[00:07:39]>> Something about mom's mom.

[00:07:41]>> Yeah. Mhm. Mhm.

[00:07:42]>> Uh my grandma lived in Shanghai for her entire life and we were in the States.

[00:07:47]So we would go back and visit occasionally when I was younger in elementary school and then there was a period of time where I didn't and then I would go back just myself without my parents and go and spend time with her >> and I treasure those summers so much. I was in like high school cuz it's different to build a relationship with her just oneonone instead of with the whole family.

[00:08:07]>> Yeah. Yeah.

[00:08:08]>> I feel like without that there's so many sides of her that I wouldn't know as well and deeply.

[00:08:12]>> It's also different having a relationship with your parents when you're past 10, like when you're no longer a child.

[00:08:18]>> Yeah.

[00:08:19]>> Yeah. Yeah.

[00:08:20]>> That's so special.

[00:08:21]>> Yeah.

[00:08:22]>> There's so many parts of my grandma that I feel like I can't I didn't have opportunity to know as well because I couldn't speak Chinese well enough to communicate. Damn.

[00:08:33]>> And so there's just there's so many things that I have to watch how she is existing in the world or with her friends that'll get to know her, hear stories with my mom, but to like one-on-one communicate, our stories would just you could feel the barriers of translation. So if she was still alive now, I'd want to learn more Chinese so I could tell her stories and talk to her more. So that's something that I like >> lament and wish. But I think it's so distinctive of like AsianAmerican grandparent relationships. M I you just feel that there's so much there but you can't >> communicate at all.

[00:09:05]>> Yeah, same. I I also told myself like I want to learn Chinese so I can talk to my grandma >> and I just never did and I was like a she'll live forever and then she didn't >> and I still don't know Chinese. So when we communicated like she dumbed down her Chinese and I dumbed down my English and we would just speak caveman to each other in our respective languages and we understood enough. Yeah. But I al I just wish that I could also talk to her and ask her about her life, about her story.

[00:09:34]I would have to have like my mom as a mediator to be like, "Tell her this."

[00:09:38]>> Yeah.

[00:09:39]>> Yeah. Did you feel that with your grandparents that you could speak to in Kanto?

[00:09:43]>> No, I didn't feel that with them really.

[00:09:45]And that's why I regret it. So, I mean, there's nothing for me to regret because they just passed away young. Yeah.

[00:09:50]>> But I am kind of like salty because like I learned how to speak Cantonese. I learned how to speak Mandarin. Like that is like that is my grandma my living grandma does not speak either of those and like it's not easy you know like to keep up with both of them.

[00:10:03]>> Yeah.

[00:10:04]>> Yeah. It's like it doesn't even matter cuz she doesn't >> and learning was pakin fuian.

[00:10:10]>> Yeah. That's not a written language either. You just have to like learn it.

[00:10:14]>> It can be but it's it's just it's more colloquial like people just speak it in their village and it's not like everyone will speak that at home but then speak >> like outside you know. So, it's just kind of like really annoying.

[00:10:27]>> What's your favorite memory with your favorite grandparent?

[00:10:30]>> What do they mean to you?

[00:10:32]>> My mom's mom would come live with us after my grandfather passed away. She was just living by herself. And then sometimes like we would go and get her from Arkansas and bring her back to Kansas just to live with us for a couple like months uh or couple weeks. And it was just so nice to like have her around. I guess we would like go shopping just me and her and she would like spoil me so much and >> you know I didn't spend much money when I was a kid like I didn't have much but she would like always be like whatever you want and I'd be like really >> can I have these bracelets or whatever and I still have them like she bought me these bangles that I still have to this day so >> they were from like Claire's probably >> but they're from your grandma >> but they're from my grandma. Yeah >> I know. Yeah. She also gave me like some when she passed away, they like cleaned some of her stuff out and there were like these little there were these little mice ceramics that would hold your toothbrush.

[00:11:27]>> A >> and she painted them.

[00:11:30]>> So cute.

[00:11:31]>> Yeah. So I keep those.

[00:11:32]>> She painted them?

[00:11:34]>> Yeah. I think she just went to like a little craft shop and like >> so sweet.

[00:11:38]>> Like her hands touched and created them.

[00:11:41]>> I know.

[00:11:42]So, I really mean it when I say I'm envious of people. Like, I have jeel like deep jealousy.

[00:11:48]>> Yeah.

[00:11:48]>> Mhm. Mhm.

[00:11:49]>> Probably not good.

[00:11:50]>> Yeah.

[00:11:51]>> But it's there.

[00:11:53]>> Yeah.

[00:11:53]>> How about you, Jen?

[00:11:55]>> Favorite memory? My favorite memory is when I would be back in Shanghai and I would just sit on the couch with my grandma next to me and we would watch like singing reality singing TV shows together for hours and she would tell me her commentary on each of the new contestants that are coming in. There was one specifically that was like the singing talent show was like moms and their daughters coming on each time and she I just learned so much about her and getting to hear all of her like random chitter chatter of her thoughts about the the person that came on and we would spend hours there on the couches sitting each other's presence and I feel like because we couldn't communicate a lot directly one-on-one together that there was so much like intimacy and shared space with us getting to laugh and giggle together. It's like we were sharing emotion together >> even if we couldn't share like stories.

[00:12:51]Yeah.

[00:12:52]>> We would like laugh or cry or like comment on all the things that we found were funny on the show together. So >> my favorite memories are like the hours we would spend >> together.

[00:13:03]>> Yeah.

[00:13:03]>> I miss her so much.

[00:13:06]I feel like when I was starting to build like a true like one-on-one relationship with her was during high school and my brain wasn't even fully developed yet enough and then by the time I feel like my brain was >> bigger and could understand the depth of like the moments I was sharing with her, it was there wasn't enough time left.

[00:13:23]So, I really just treasure all that time because I think without the one-on-one time together, I would have just missed so many opportunities to experience >> my grand Yeah. I think that's really like special because a lot of people have words that they can share with their grandparents, but you have moments that you can share.

[00:13:40]>> Yeah.

[00:13:40]>> And it's like a very unique language that you both shared.

[00:13:43]>> Yeah.

[00:13:43]>> Yeah.

[00:13:44]>> Just her and I No one else is there.

[00:13:46]>> No one else.

[00:13:46]>> Yeah. We spent like two weeks together.

[00:13:48]>> Your little secret just ping around.

[00:13:50]>> Yeah.

[00:13:50]>> Yeah. What's your favorite memory with your grandma?

[00:13:53]>> Um, oh, I have so many because we spent so much time together towards the end of her life because she used to live in like East LA and I just moved to West LA. So, I would like go to her like almost every weekend. My favorite memory with my grandma is also the most mortifying memory with her because we had one family computer um in my childhood home. My parents were gone and I was watching something I was not supposed to be watching and I didn't think she was nearby. So, I was just like watching it. And then I turn around, I see her standing right there at the doorway with her hands behind her back watching me. And she's like, so I like quickly turn off the computer, erased my history, everything. And then later she was like, she took my hands and she was just like, "You should not watch stuff like that, but just know that I still love you." Oh, >> and I don't think that you are bad. You just don't watch stuff like that anymore. And she never told my parents either.

[00:14:53]>> Wow.

[00:14:53]>> Yeah. That that I know of. So, it was kind of like she she kept that in confidence for me and she respected like my humanity at that young age, too. So, like from then on, that's when I was like, "Oh gosh, I like love her so much because >> she kept my secret for me."

[00:15:11]>> Your dirty little secret.

[00:15:12]>> My dirty little secret. Oh, it was so embarrassing. But that's how that's when I realized like how deep how Yeah. how deep her heart was.

[00:15:21]>> Yeah.

[00:15:21]>> And even her saying don't watch that was not out of like condemning you, but just out of like protection and >> she's like that's not good stuff to watch. Like there's other stuff to watch.

[00:15:31]>> Yeah.

[00:15:32]>> And she didn't she didn't like make it a big life lesson either.

[00:15:36]>> She was just like don't watch it. Let's move on. Yeah.

[00:15:39]>> She trusted you.

[00:15:40]>> Yeah.

[00:15:41]>> Okay. Quick break because we have to talk about the all new drinks at McDonald's. We have here another fruity one, the mango pineapple refresher. Made with mango and pineapple flavors, a lemonade base, and bursting strawberry popping boba. With tropical flavors and a bit of caffeine, it's fuel to keep our chat sessions going. And honestly, the whole lineup feels like it has something for whatever mood you're in. Try all the new drinks now at McDonald's. I get really emotional when I think about my grandma because she lived through so much in her lifetime and >> the wars, >> the wars, different regime changes and like >> she had a lot of um people that were very close to her betray her in her lifetime.

[00:16:28]>> And she carried so much of that with so much grace and never spoke poorly about any of them. And just the like quiet strength that she had to carry in order to endure all of that. I feel like that is her legacy. I see that in my mom. She has this like quiet resilience that is like unshakable. Um, but my mom and I always talk about how in the end of her life, there are photos of her where she's laughing with her head back and so carefree. And we just say that like so many of the photos in her earlier years like you don't see that like carefree joy that she finally got to experience cuz she was carrying so many burdens and traumas from her lifetime. But in the final year she got to experience like >> unbburdened joy. And so just how much a smile can signal like safety is you can see so clearly as the years pass. And so that's the photo that we have like framed on our mantle in our living room is her like it's her at hot pot and she's looking like a little girl like excited cuz she's she hadn't been out eating like hot pot and out and so my mom took her to like a new experience.

[00:17:37]You just see her like a little kid like giddy and she's laughing at this huge smile and we just don't see that facial expression often in her.

[00:17:44]>> So that's really special to see. Yeah, that quiet resilience I think is very common for people of that time period too because they just like had no luxury to express anything.

[00:17:56]>> Yeah.

[00:17:56]>> All of our grandparents probably went through like the communism regime change >> or something similar.

[00:18:02]>> Yeah.

[00:18:03]>> Yeah.

[00:18:04]>> Do you wonder about the stories she didn't get to share with you?

[00:18:08]>> I wonder about them all the time and then I think about trying to have them now and I'm like, "Oh man, I really need to learn Chinese to be able to have them." But there's so many more stories that I can hear from my mom now who knows a lot more of them.

[00:18:21]>> And then I also makes me want to ask a lot more questions of both my parents too >> and their stories cuz there's so many stories like from my dad too that he'll just drop randomly in a conversation.

[00:18:32]I'm like wait you did what? Like I had no idea. And so like it makes me live differently now having watched her go and and like I feel like the time with my parents now is really precious. So that was like a fundamental shift. I remember during that period of time where um she went to heaven like I was like, "Oh, I need to care for this time with my parents cuz they're also not going to be here." You know, >> there's so many like >> clothes that my mom bought my grandma that she never got to wear. So it's like just you always think there's more time when there isn't. So, >> Mhm.

[00:19:06]>> Um, my dad really hates road trips with me now because I just will be like, okay, so when you were little and he's like, I don't want to go into the snow, >> but I'm like, well, we have seven hours.

[00:19:20]>> Yeah.

[00:19:21]>> What are you going to do?

[00:19:22]>> Yeah.

[00:19:23]>> So, yeah, remembering our parents' stories so important.

[00:19:28]>> This is really hard.

[00:19:30]>> I know. I was talking to my mom the other day. Um cuz I cannot imagine a life without my mom.

[00:19:36]>> Yeah.

[00:19:37]>> And like her mom is gone. So I'm like, "How do you feel now that your mom is gone?" And she's just like, "Sometimes I feel so lost because >> sometimes I just want to talk to her and she's not here. So like, where do I go?"

[00:19:53]And I told my mom, I was like, "If you go, I'm going with you cuz I I cannot live this life without you." Do you feel the same way?

[00:20:00]>> Yeah. I'm like, "Oh my god, >> if my mom goes before I do, I got to find a way. Maybe I'll go to Sweden. Is it Sweden where it's like assisted suicide? I'll go there."

[00:20:12]>> Yeah.

[00:20:13]>> And I'll join her. I'll be like I'll be with you in like 48 hours and just have to fly overseas.

[00:20:20]>> Yeah. Yeah. I'm so curious, Jen, about what because you well, I guess both of you had really close relationships with your grandmothers and I'm wondering if you talked with them about those struggles or if you're just kind of like absorbing them.

[00:20:33]>> They didn't talk about it.

[00:20:35]>> So, we have a no, we have a yes.

[00:20:36]>> I asked my grandma after my grandpa died cuz he was hard man and he also had like >> he had like abusive parents and so that kind of got passed down. Um, and I was like, "Are youual?" Yeah.

[00:20:49]>> I don't Um, I was like, "Are you glad he's gone?"

[00:20:56]And she was like, "Don't say that, but yes."

[00:21:00]>> I was like, I was like, >> "Nice.

[00:21:02]>> Why?" And she was like, "He was not very nice."

[00:21:05]>> Mhm.

[00:21:06]>> And she's like, after he left, after he went to heaven, she's like, "I feel like I could finally breathe." So, she had a really great >> last 5 years of her life. She was so happy after he was gone.

[00:21:17]>> Released of the man. Yeah.

[00:21:20]>> Yeah.

[00:21:22]>> Damn. Yeah.

[00:21:23]>> What did she say? Well, so he was Do you want to get into it?

[00:21:28]>> Yeah. He was um physically and verbally not the most supportive person. Um >> that's a nice way to say it.

[00:21:36]>> Yeah. And he lashed out on like >> his my grandma, my mom, >> um my aunt. And I see it to this day how his harsh words affect their self-esteem and their self-belief.

[00:21:53]>> And then from that it affects how even unknowingly they they don't even mean to do it. I think sometimes they're like >> it it limits how much they can believe in me too.

[00:22:05]>> Yeah.

[00:22:06]>> Because they don't believe in themselves. And I feel myself like >> the waterfall is falling and I have to like push it back up and I have to be like I tell my mom and I tell my aunt like you can do it. I believe in you.

[00:22:19]>> I believe that you can do hard things.

[00:22:21]So sometimes it feels like I get I get to be their therapist sometimes. Yeah.

[00:22:25]>> It's almost backwards.

[00:22:27]Yeah.

[00:22:27]>> Yeah.

[00:22:28]>> Jen, you said you never talked to your grandma about but maybe you had stories from your mom about your grandma. It's interesting because my grandma didn't speak about it to anyone, which is part of what I find so admirable about her is that she never spoke negatively about him or shared that pain because her desire was to not burden others with it >> or create like stress and anxiety or fear for my mom. But I I the flip side of that is also that my grandmother endured silently and my mother endures silently and therefore I endure silently. So it comes out of this really incredibly like selfless desire to like >> to want to hold it and absorb it in so that those around you don't have to carry that burden. But I think I'm also learning it is like a freedom and a luxury to have permission to express pain >> that they didn't have. So when I see my mom cry now or when I have permission to cry, I feel like it's healing >> for me and for my mom and also like doing it for my grandma almost too because she didn't get a chance to in her lifetime.

[00:23:36]>> But we don't have to endure silently anymore. We don't have to absorb anymore. So, I'm like undoing that because I think what was passed down to me is that this is the righteous thing to do and it is admirable, but there's like there's room for it's okay to break down. It's okay to cry.

[00:23:57]>> It's okay to admit that this really hurts.

[00:24:00]>> Yeah.

[00:24:01]>> And that's beautiful and healthy.

[00:24:03]>> Yeah. Mhm.

[00:24:04]>> So I think the like the patterns of enduring silently I'm learning to undo now.

[00:24:12]>> Yeah.

[00:24:14]>> But I can see where it comes from. Ow.

[00:24:16]That's where it comes from.

[00:24:17]>> You're practicing letting out a whale.

[00:24:19]>> Yeah.

[00:24:19]>> Every once in a while.

[00:24:21]>> Yeah. I never >> do it for your Y poolool.

[00:24:23]>> My Ypool. Yeah.

[00:24:26]>> Yeah. And I can see like even in like conflicts with my mom now, we both are just like not wanting to admit hurt or pain with each other. And so now when we fight, like if she cries, then I can cry or if I cry, then she can cry. And then it's almost this like release. Like we immediately all the tension is like just released entirely and we can just be like, >> "It's okay. I love you." You know, there's like a >> a connection point and intimacy that's formed through that >> that we're learning with each other. um that maybe my mom didn't have as much with her with her mom because my grandmother went through so much. And obviously if you've gone through like regime changes and like very difficult family dramas like you're going to they're taught to absorb in that generation. So >> yeah, I'm learning those patterns now.

[00:25:13]>> When did you realize that how you operated traced back to your grandmother?

[00:25:19]>> There was first realizing like oh I do this thing.

[00:25:22]>> Yeah. which is like, oh, I don't express when I'm hurt or in pain or suffering.

[00:25:27]>> Then it's like, well, where does that come from?

[00:25:29]>> And it's like going back to what I was taught >> as a kid or what you see or what you observe or what's um upholded. And then you're like, well, where does that come from? It's like, oh, because both my parents are a product of their parents and they were taught those things. They were modeled those things. So it really helps to it's really comforting to know that you come from a generational line >> cuz I think it releases the pressure and burden of feeling like you are solely >> like you are not necessarily the sole source of it.

[00:25:59]>> Yeah. I don't have to undo this whole thing. It's like oh >> I inherited this and now I can choose to live differently.

[00:26:06]>> Yeah.

[00:26:07]>> There's an understanding that helps relieve the pressures of it.

[00:26:11]>> Yeah. Of course. Cuz it's like I did not just become this way because I am said terrible person. And it's like, I learned these because these were absorbed behaviors passed down intergenerationally. And being able to recognize that, you're like, okay, I can stop this here.

[00:26:24]>> Mhm. Yeah.

[00:26:25]>> Yeah.

[00:26:25]>> Exactly.

[00:26:26]>> Mhm.

[00:26:27]>> Are there threads of generational patterns that you notice?

[00:26:33]>> Yeah. Poverty.

[00:26:34]>> Yeah.

[00:26:35]>> Immense immense poverty.

[00:26:38]>> I see the poverty sometimes.

[00:26:40]>> Thanks, Emma.

[00:26:41]>> No, I do. I do. Like I realized it a few years ago.

[00:26:45]>> Mhm. and how it affects your life even now >> and you've never really >> experienced that yourself.

[00:26:52]>> Yeah.

[00:26:52]>> But you see like the results of it.

[00:26:54]>> Mhm. Mhm.

[00:26:55]>> My grandparents that I'm referring to moved to Hong Kong and they were extremely poor. Like um my my mother and her siblings ate rice, like just uh congani, plain congani, like a little bowl, and like maybe if they were lucky, they had an egg like every single day.

[00:27:15]And >> kanji isn't even rice. It's water with rice.

[00:27:17]>> It's water with rice. It's rice soup.

[00:27:19]>> And that's that's that's what they grew up on. And you know, my mom would tell me her stories growing up where she would only have like she was the youngest girl in a large family, so she would only have passed down clothing and everything that she got was just secondhand. Um, and she told me like when she was a teenager, she went and she bought her first pair of apple bottom jeans, but that was such a like pivotal moment for her, you know, >> did she get boots with the fur?

[00:27:47]Um, so when I think about how I'm affected, I think it shows up physically for me quite a bit.

[00:27:56]>> Yes. Yes.

[00:27:59]>> Would you like to speak to that?

[00:28:00]>> Yeah. So, she was Okay. The first time I realized poverty affected her just like in her DNA was when we were driving or you were driving your car, I think in San Francisco. I have no idea what she's going to say, so I'm really um or were you driving my car? Anyway, she was just like, "If I scoot my chair up enough so my leg can meet the pedal, I can't sit high enough where I can see the rear view mirror or out the window."

[00:28:28]And I was like, "Oh my gosh, your life is so hard."

[00:28:34]Part of that is probably genetic, but I'm sure part of that is also because of malnourishment throughout the generation because like you are an egg in your grandma's >> Yes. You were an ovary, which is crazy.

[00:28:44]>> Yeah. And so she went through an an exorbitant amount of stress and trauma, I'm sure, coming to Hong Kong and then and then bearing so many children and then having to care for so many children who also were raised in poverty and then like some of them were able to go to America and and get an education and then you know I am the product of that and I have so much more. But >> you were malnourished 30 years before you were born.

[00:29:09]>> Yes.

[00:29:10]>> Yes. And I see that cuz she wakes up and sneezes 50 times.

[00:29:14]>> It just it shows in like the delicacy of my body.

[00:29:17]>> Yeah.

[00:29:18]>> She's very delicate.

[00:29:19]>> Like I'm much less resilient than you.

[00:29:22]>> You know I >> One time I playfully pushed her and she was like that really hurt. And I was like really >> she got a bruise.

[00:29:28]>> She got a bruise.

[00:29:30]>> Yeah. So we have a joke that I I just always have bruises all over my body and Em will just say I'm like why did you run into a pillow?

[00:29:39]You like look at Maddie and she gets a bruise.

[00:29:42]>> Yeah.

[00:29:42]>> No, but like everyone in my family on that side of the family has terrible vision. They had really rough teeth, you know? They had all very short. And you have to understand that that came from malnourishment. Like maybe they wouldn't be tall, but they would have stronger >> muscles, stronger bones. Yeah.

[00:30:02]>> And so I see that my mom has done as much as she could to mitigate that in her life after she came to America and had a little bit more stability. But even so, like I'm like living in pure royalty in comparison to them, >> you know? But even that me comparison to like a regular person, >> you still have to work like twice as hard.

[00:30:21]>> You do >> to get the same result as someone like Jen.

[00:30:25]>> Yes.

[00:30:26]>> And Jen and I are very similar. Like she's only like one inch taller than me, but her body is just so much more resilient. Yeah. And so when I look at America and you think of the poverty here and you think of the kids here >> and I and similarly when I look at my own friends who come who have an array of different backgrounds, you see the differences in how their lives end up being. So we have this one friend and she has uh a wealth of trauma intergenerationally to pull from, but we always joke because she just always has something health related come up.

[00:30:57]>> She's like, "Can you believe this?

[00:31:00]get a load of this today. Breaking news.

[00:31:02]>> She'll text us.

[00:31:03]>> Guess what, guys?

[00:31:05]>> Yeah. Yeah. So, my answer would be generational trauma via poverty.

[00:31:10]>> Poverty. Abuse.

[00:31:13]>> Silent enduring.

[00:31:15]>> Silent communism.

[00:31:18]It's communism. But, okay. Follow-up question. Where have you seen your parents rewrite that?

[00:31:26]>> Yeah.

[00:31:26]>> And have that trickle down to you?

[00:31:28]>> Mhm. I my mom loves reading like self-help books and she's like really learning self-love recently and the things like when we talk the things that she would have like turned into like a life lesson and I would have rolled my eyes now I see how she has way more grace for herself and in turn she gives more grace to me. So she just feels like extra understanding recently.

[00:31:54]Like I'll brace myself. I'll brace myself for something and then she'll be like, "Oh, that's okay, Emily. You just have to like tell yourself the positive things." And I'm like, "What?

[00:32:04]>> Who are you?

[00:32:05]>> Who are you?

[00:32:06]>> You want to be done with my mother?"

[00:32:07]>> Yeah. But I love this.

[00:32:08]>> It's been coming because she told me, she's like, "I've been learning recently just to forgive my dad." And like he >> Wow.

[00:32:16]>> He also had a really rough childhood.

[00:32:19]And so he did the best he could with what he knew. And I mean like all this bad stuff happened, but there were good moments. And she's like, I'm holding on to the good moments.

[00:32:30]>> And there's a story she always tells.

[00:32:32]She's like, I there's one time he knew I really liked this cheesecake from this one place. So for my birthday, he didn't just get me the cheesecake slice. He got me the whole cheesecake and it was like $40 at the time. And they didn't make that much money.

[00:32:45]>> So she really holds on to that cheesecake story.

[00:32:48]>> My mom loves she loves cheesecake and pie.

[00:32:52]>> Yeah. Our our parents themselves went through so much, but then our parents' parents generation, they have often gone through so much that it is literally unspeakable and they would rather never talk about it again and just move on.

[00:33:05]Like for you to be able to stop that and >> rewrite what like choose what you want to take from your lineage is is better.

[00:33:14]>> Yeah.

[00:33:14]>> You know, than allowing space for whatever they had to endure.

[00:33:18]>> Mhm. Like my grandpa on my dad's side would tell us, well both of the grandpas would tell us like the atrocities of Japan and what they did to their friends. And so like if you see stuff like that, of course you're not going to be very soft. You have to be hard.

[00:33:36]>> You got to beive to be to survive. If you see atrocities like that, like we've never seen anyone kill someone like right in front of us. Mhm.

[00:33:43]>> Mhm.

[00:33:44]>> And if you also live in a society that is does not encourage expression of that in any way, where else is it going to go other than down into the hole that you bury it all?

[00:33:55]>> Yeah. So, a lot of I think a lot of like Yeah. Asian-American parents >> have to like they are working it out as they're parenting too. And so it's been really healing, I think, to like understand both my parents' lineages and where they come from because I I have so much more empathy and grace for how they are the way they are. Even when they effect still affect me, I'm just like I can see where this comes from for you.

[00:34:19]So >> it sucks, but yeah, I get it. Like I get it.

[00:34:23]>> You turn out pretty good given all all things considered.

[00:34:26]>> Yeah. Yeah.

[00:34:28]>> What is Yeah. One thing that you got from your grandparents that you love about yourself? My love of tea.

[00:34:37]>> Oh, yeah.

[00:34:38]>> You You do love tea.

[00:34:40]>> I love tea.

[00:34:43]>> I love tea.

[00:34:47]>> They drink a lot of tea.

[00:34:49]>> Yeah.

[00:34:49]>> Do you guys have tea time?

[00:34:50]>> There's, you know, the little Chinese tea sets with the little tiny baby cups.

[00:34:53]>> Tiny cups. Yeah.

[00:34:54]>> It's called gung fua. And they there's like a whole process to it. But my grandma would drink a lot of tea whenever we and then whenever I went to see her, >> she would always be drinking tea and they'd be like, "Drink the tea."

[00:35:07]And I'm like seven and I'm like, "Okay, whatever. It's bitter." But then my mom picked that up and loves drinking tea.

[00:35:14]And so now I love drinking tea with my mother. And I know that she thinks of her mother when she she developed that love of tea because of her mother. And I developed love of tea because of my mother. But I know it's because of her her own her own mother.

[00:35:28]>> Yeah.

[00:35:30]>> Oh, we love tea. Last night we had Poptarts and tea and it was so good.

[00:35:37]>> We have tea like almost every night.

[00:35:38]>> Literally every night. And she doesn't have the tea bag. She has a lofleaf tea in the foil packets with the Chinese on it. So you don't even know what it is.

[00:35:46]Like that's how Chinese she is.

[00:35:49]>> Yeah. We don't drink tea bags.

[00:35:51]>> Yeah.

[00:35:51]>> Those are not good teas.

[00:35:52]>> No, they're not. They're not.

[00:35:55]>> And what did you take? What is a trade?

[00:35:57]>> I took all of my grandma's designer purses.

[00:36:04]>> That is a legacy.

[00:36:05]>> My My dad's mom was very fashionable.

[00:36:08]She was like the it girl. She always dressed really nice. So when she passed, I was like, "Can I have this? Can I have this? Can I have this?" So a lot of my purses that I carry even now, people compliment all the time like, "It's my grandma's. I got it from her." Um, >> but I would say my grandma's my other grandma's craftiness and her ability to be like, I can fix it. I can make something. I can sew it. I can do it.

[00:36:33]>> Like I that's everything is from her.

[00:36:35]>> Resourcefulness from somewhere. Some survival skill.

[00:36:38]>> Resourcefulness and creativity >> is >> straight shot down to me. Oh, and my beauty.

[00:36:47]She I look like her when like if you see a picture of her, I look like her and she was gorgeous.

[00:36:53]>> Wow.

[00:36:53]>> I look like her. We We have pudgy noses.

[00:36:58]>> A lot of times the creativity that you see in that that is forced from the constraints of some >> limitation >> limitation or challenge that whoever is going through um is something you can be really proud to inherit.

[00:37:13]>> Yes. Yes. Limitation breathes creativity and it's genius to think of like everything that or it's it's genius to be like I know how to fix this in a different way.

[00:37:23]>> Yeah.

[00:37:24]>> Mhm.

[00:37:25]>> How about you?

[00:37:26]>> There's this flower that my grandma really loves that she would always have on our window sill and so I always love that flower and we always buy it for her on our mantle next to her photo on like her birthday every year and stuff. So, I got one of those flowers um a plant it's like a plant flower in my apartment in Seattle and I had it for like probably 2 years and then it got some kind of like parasite in it and stuff and I was like no this is my grandma flower. You cannot you are not allowed here. It was like starting to like the leaves were starting to like turn yellow and then the stems were turning into like spaghetti noodles and I was like of all the plants you are not allowed here.

[00:38:06]This is traumatizing for me.

[00:38:10]>> Um, what's the flower >> in Chinese? It's called tuda, but I don't know what it is in rabbit.

[00:38:15]>> Rabbit flower.

[00:38:16]>> Yeah, it's called rabbit.

[00:38:18]>> That's cute.

[00:38:18]>> Yeah, it was her favorite. She had it on every time, >> but I don't know what it is. There's a name for it. I always see it at the store.

[00:38:25]>> Um, it's like some I don't know, unpronouncable name, but yeah.

[00:38:29]>> Do you guys like the sound of Chinese TV?

[00:38:31]>> It sounds like my >> Does it bring you back to grandma?

[00:38:33]>> It does. It does. Yes. And oh my god, it brings you back to another thing that I got from the other grandma, which is grandma oil.

[00:38:41]>> Oh my gosh, >> you got that from grandma for like >> Yeah, she smells like grandma oil all the time. And she has the the solid. I get mine from Thailand. But >> she she has she gets like the the balm, the literal balm. And I have the little roller and I distribute it to all of you. For those of you who don't know what grandma oil, it makes Vix looks like child's play. It's like Vix is like what what am I feeling? Like one tingle, please. Like whenever we we have like roller balls of it and then like some I tell Maddie to like rub it underneath her eye and she cannot open her eye cuz the fumes are so strong. But it feels good. Whenever you have a headache like >> But then I it also comes with the realization that grandma smell like grandma oil which is what is it called?

[00:39:28]Spearmint. No. What is What is it called in English?

[00:39:31]>> I don't even know.

[00:39:32]>> Girl, I'll know.

[00:39:32]>> Tiger bomb.

[00:39:33]>> Menthol.

[00:39:34]>> Tiger bomb.

[00:39:34]>> Menthol. Menthol.

[00:39:35]>> Menthol. Tiger bomb.

[00:39:36]>> Tiger bomb.

[00:39:38]>> Like it comes with a realization that grandmas always smell like tiger bomb because they're always in pain.

[00:39:44]>> They have headaches.

[00:39:45]>> Headaches. Pain anywhere.

[00:39:47]>> We We just do it for pleasure. We're like, "You want some shoulder tingles?"

[00:39:50]>> Friday night. We're like, "No."

[00:39:52]>> Like, "You want some? Get a whiff of this.

[00:39:55]>> I deserve it today."

[00:39:58]She has like variations of oil, too.

[00:40:01]It's like one in a like it's kind of like chloroform just like in a container. We go. It's a It's the inhalers from Thailand.

[00:40:11]>> I love tire bomb.

[00:40:13]>> Yeah, me too.

[00:40:14]>> So good.

[00:40:15]>> Every Asian culture has their own version. There's like a Vietnamese version, Thai version, Chinese version, >> Indian version, >> Indian. Yeah.

[00:40:23]>> Mhm. There's a mosquito bite like itchiness like oil too that always takes me back to my grandma's house because I always get mosquito bites when I'm in Shanghai and she'll just slather that up on there. It's like comes in this like green bottle. Do you know what I'm talking about?

[00:40:38]>> Yes. Yes.

[00:40:39]>> Yeah, that one.

[00:40:40]>> Oh my gosh. No one ever talks about Chinese grandma cooking.

[00:40:44]>> Oh my gosh. Like people always talk about their American grandma as her apple pie, whatever. But but think about the Taiwanese grandma's yoing.

[00:40:54]>> Oh my gosh.

[00:40:54]>> Oh my gosh. Or their egg rolls or their like >> steamed fish with the soy sauce and the ginger. And >> I miss my grandma's cooking so much.

[00:41:05]>> My grandma would always have our favorite dishes cooked for us when we got off the plane. Like ready. We'd walk in and they're ready. There's this It's I don't know what it's called. I don't know how to pronounce it, but it's like a bamboo tangential root that only is like during the season when we go and visit in the summer. She always yanka.

[00:41:26]>> Oh, cute.

[00:41:27]>> And it's with like soy sauce, sugar, lots of oil in her walk and she knew it was my favorite. So, she'd always have that ready with kanji on the side post airport. We land, we walk in, sitting on the table.

[00:41:42]>> So good. My grandma would make the best tongu.

[00:41:46]>> Oh, she would make it like every single ingredient from scratch. She would buy the banana leaves and she would like wrap it herself. It was so good. I wish I learned from her.

[00:41:56]>> The grandfathers on both sides actually in my family cooked really well as well in addition to the grandmother.

[00:42:02]>> So, I just daddy I'm just missing all the good food now. Like there's nothing no restaurant could ever replicate >> a grandparent homecooked meal.

[00:42:12]>> Me and my parents always talk about how like there's a specific way she cooks too that you know that it's her cooking and it we don't know how to describe it but we're just like somehow the way she makes it is like a little different >> like our parents cooking too. We don't know what it is.

[00:42:27]>> It's love but it always tastes the same.

[00:42:30]And every time we go back it'll be like 5 10 years.

[00:42:32]>> I'm like nowadays it's MSG.

[00:42:35]>> It could be MSG too. Oh, I love MSG.

[00:42:37]>> MSG.

[00:42:39]>> Um, when my grandma died, my dad's mom, we the whole family got together and we made her egg rolls together.

[00:42:47]>> Yeah. Like um her my grandpa's sister and her would make egg rolls together.

[00:42:54]So, she knew the recipe. So, we all got together and we made her egg rolls.

[00:42:57]>> Mhm.

[00:42:58]>> And we ate it in honor of her.

[00:43:00]>> Talk about legacy. The food.

[00:43:03]>> The food.

[00:43:05]Um my my grandpa had diabetes because he had too much tongy.

[00:43:10]That's what he died of.

[00:43:14]Toy was too loves to >> the green scallion pancake.

[00:43:19]>> Who doesn't love toy?

[00:43:21]>> My cousin when she was in Shanghai the day she was leaving for her flight went to the stand and bought like a whole stack of them to take back home.

[00:43:30]I'm like the poor people around her on the plane got to smell it. They can't even eat it.

[00:43:35]like freshly fried.

[00:43:37]>> Oh, she came out with two hands like lined up vertically.

[00:43:41]>> Oh my god, that sounds so good.

[00:43:43]>> Um, >> do y'all's grandparents have like 10 siblings?

[00:43:48]>> Yes.

[00:43:48]>> No.

[00:43:49]>> Yes.

[00:43:50]>> Only had like three or four.

[00:43:52]>> That's still a lot. That's still a lot.

[00:43:54]>> 10?

[00:43:55]>> Yeah.

[00:43:57]>> Like every single grandparent had at least 10 siblings.

[00:44:00]>> Oh my god.

[00:44:00]>> Up to like 13. Yeah. What?

[00:44:04]>> Really big families in poverty, you know.

[00:44:07]>> Yeah.

[00:44:08]>> Yeah.

[00:44:08]>> My grandma was the youngest of her line and my grandpa was the oldest of his line.

[00:44:13]>> Wow.

[00:44:14]>> And then they got married.

[00:44:16]>> Like 10 each, maybe 12.

[00:44:18]>> Oh my god.

[00:44:18]>> So family reunions go crazy.

[00:44:20]>> Mhm.

[00:44:21]>> I have a friend that has like they don't know the auntie's names, the grand auntie's names. They just grand auntie >> 1 2 3 4 5. That's what we say too.

[00:44:31]>> Yeah. Only in America do they have actual names like Lily?

[00:44:37]>> Like what? The first time I heard that I was like number one, of course it's Lily.

[00:44:41]>> Yes.

[00:44:41]>> Yeah. No, that's how like that's how you name them though. If there's like a big sequence, you go aunt one, aunt two, aunt three, aunt four.

[00:44:49]>> Oh, I know. I just meant like the flower name. Like, of course.

[00:44:52]>> Of course they chose Lily.

[00:44:53]>> Yeah.

[00:44:54]>> Yeah.

[00:44:56]>> They love flower names.

[00:44:58]>> Yeah. Jasmine.

[00:45:00]>> Jasmine. Iris. My grandma's name is literally Maya. She was >> My parents don't have English names.

[00:45:09]>> What did you call your grandparents?

[00:45:12]>> Uh my mom's sideong.

[00:45:14]So that's grandpa and grandma.

[00:45:17]>> And her dad's side.

[00:45:17]>> On my dad's side, it's uh amma and ankong.

[00:45:21]>> Oh >> yeah, >> there is different ones for >> paternal versus >> paternal. I called both of them and aong because I got them mixed up and then they never corrected me.

[00:45:32]>> So yeah, >> I think paternal is yay na na. Yeah.

[00:45:38]When my cousin from my uncle, my mom's brother, we were together with my grandmother and talking about her. She's like something something na. I was like who the [ __ ] is that? That's why it put to me. I was like oh she called her something different.

[00:45:50]>> No, she called her cuz it's her paternal side. Oh, >> her dad's grandma or her her dad's mom.

[00:45:57]And I was like, >> I don't know.

[00:45:58]>> I know who that's she. She is not >> Nai. Her name is >> W.

[00:46:03]Get that Nai out of here.

[00:46:05]>> Yeah, cuz I thought she was talking about somebody else the whole time.

[00:46:08]>> When I was growing up, nai also meant boobs. I don't know >> if that's the same for you cuz it's like milk.

[00:46:15]>> Yeah. When I was breastfeeding, I guess like on my mom, they called it when I was being breastfed by my mom, they were like, "Yeah, we all >> na nigh."

[00:46:23]>> Uhuh.

[00:46:24]>> And then I associated with boob. So I was like, when people call their grandma boob, like that's kind of weird.

[00:46:31]Maybe that's why I just stuck with amma.

[00:46:35]You guys ever visit your grandparents at the hospital or at the nursing home?

[00:46:39]>> No, none of my parents were in nursing homes, actually.

[00:46:41]>> Oh, good.

[00:46:42]>> Yeah. They escaped that hell hole.

[00:46:46]>> Yeah.

[00:46:46]>> Yeah. One of them died in their own home.

[00:46:50]>> They had or two of them died in their own home. One of them was like unexpected. One of them had like some terminal illness that they just had.

[00:46:57]What is it called? Hospice. At home.

[00:46:59]>> Yeah, hospice.

[00:46:59]>> Hospice.

[00:47:00]>> And then the other one was in Hong Kong, I think, in the hospital, but I I was not there.

[00:47:07]>> And then the other one is living like royalty right now.

[00:47:09]>> How nice. How nice.

[00:47:11]>> Yeah. But you have >> you have a lot of >> Yeah.

[00:47:15]>> care >> experience with end of life care.

[00:47:18]>> Yeah.

[00:47:18]>> With grandparents.

[00:47:19]>> We were in nursing home for three of them.

[00:47:22]>> Wow.

[00:47:23]>> Wow.

[00:47:24]>> Yeah. It was bad. It was really bad.

[00:47:26]>> It's such a specific life experience to be taking care of an a passing away elder.

[00:47:32]>> Yeah.

[00:47:32]>> I know how to lift an elderly off the ground. Like I know the steps to do it.

[00:47:38]>> And you change diapers.

[00:47:39]>> I've changed the diapers. You change the clothes. jade the clothes. I've bathed them.

[00:47:45]>> Yeah.

[00:47:45]>> Um washed their hair, cleaned their wounds, washed their poop off, like did the slow lathering. At the end of every night, we have a we joke because Emily will just start barking orders in Cantonese to get ready for sleep because that's what she would do to her grandmother.

[00:48:04]>> Yeah, that's the only Cantonese I know.

[00:48:06]>> So do it. We'll just be laying there and someone will be like, "I need to go shower." And then It'll be like >> then she gets stuck on that.

[00:48:19]>> Brush your teeth.

[00:48:20]>> Yeah.

[00:48:20]>> Shower.

[00:48:21]>> Change.

[00:48:23]>> Fun. Go to sleep.

[00:48:26]>> And you just got to say that over and over because she has Alzheimer's. She'll forget it right away.

[00:48:31]>> Yeah. It's a very difficult time.

[00:48:34]>> Yeah.

[00:48:35]>> Nursing someone who is deteriorating in front of you. Just knowing like this isn't to get them back to health. This is just to make them as comfortable as possible.

[00:48:44]>> It really messes with your mental.

[00:48:47]>> It was It was really bad.

[00:48:48]>> It was a bad time for you.

[00:48:49]>> Yeah. And it was like a span of five years. It wasn't short either. My poor mom. She had to she had to do it even more.

[00:48:56]>> It kind of felt like one gram like one after.

[00:48:59]>> It was like one after the other. The dominoes kind of felt >> like one died and then the other started to derate really fast and like okay we know what to do. Um, it got to a point I was going to the hospital or the nursing home every weekend and just sitting there with her.

[00:49:12]>> Wow.

[00:49:13]>> 10 hours a day, >> feeding her ice chips one by one or a jello one tiny spoon at a time. It took two hours for her to finish a jello cup.

[00:49:23]>> Yeah. I remember you would call me when you would drive to see your grandmother and >> I just felt like the weight of what you would have to bear once you got off the phone like and then you're going to have to come back and then face reality which is this really quick moving life that is so starkly different from what your grandma's going through.

[00:49:41]>> Yeah. And I felt guilty because I wasn't enjoying it.

[00:49:44]>> Yeah. Yeah.

[00:49:45]>> I'd be like, I hate having to go to the nursing home. I hate the nursing home.

[00:49:49]>> I hate how smelly it is and I hate that she's there. And so I just felt guilty the whole time because I was just upset with her the whole time.

[00:49:58]>> Yeah. I'm like, why? Why are you getting old?

[00:50:01]>> But then like what are you going to do?

[00:50:02]Not go. Yeah, you have to. And then like your my mom's like, oh, she's at the hospital again. Can you go? And then I had to drop everything.

[00:50:10]>> Um, it was really difficult. But then like when she passed, I was like, I wish I went to her more.

[00:50:17]>> I wish I like learned the Chinese and sang more songs with her, everything.

[00:50:22]But it's also such a relief when they go. It's just like, "All right, I did my job.

[00:50:29]>> Hopefully God will reward me." Yeah.

[00:50:31]Yeah. They're in a better place.

[00:50:34]>> What was the experience of watching them go through Alzheimer's, too, cuz it wasn't just physical, but also like who you knew them as was changing and evolving before your very eyes. so sad because you you would know like my other grandma, she went through Alzheimer's and like >> I just saw this happy woman become really angry because like Alzheimer's medication, it slows the deterioration of your brain but it makes you really mean.

[00:50:57]>> So like she slapped me one time and she's like not the type to slap and she would scowl at people and we're just like what is going on?

[00:51:04]>> And so we took her off the medicine >> and like her brain just like she was nice but she just wasn't there at all there. It got got to a point maybe like the last 6 months she would just sit there. She wasn't even there.

[00:51:18]>> That's why I tell I asked Jesus uh if you could take me at like 77 that would be great. I don't want anyone to take care of me like that and I don't want to be in a nursing home cuz that's so depressing.

[00:51:29]>> Yeah.

[00:51:30]>> You see like the bed sores.

[00:51:32]>> You see just like the mush they have to eat.

[00:51:36]>> Yeah. That's why you need to work out now. Keep your body healthy >> so you don't have to go through that.

[00:51:41]Keep your mind strong.

[00:51:43]>> Keep your mind strong.

[00:51:44]>> Yes.

[00:51:44]>> That's so important. My my maternal grandma, she was always doing crafts and stuff, so her mind was sharp to the very end. It was her body that was failing her, >> but it was sharp.

[00:51:55]>> If your grandparents are still alive, please spend time with them. Give >> them extra hugs.

[00:51:59]>> Even if it's difficult, it's where you come from. They are you. You share a generation.

[00:52:04]>> They are them.

[00:52:05]Drop in the comments your favorite memory with your grandparent that you just abs you just smile and you think about it. We'd love to hear. You can find us um at the Hot Pursuit Pod on Instagram, Tik Tok, um on YouTube. You can also find us on Spotify, Apple Podcast, all the podcasting platforms.

[00:52:22]So, go check us out and we love hearing from you. So, definitely share share memories with your grandparents with us.

[00:52:30]Okay, >> hot pursuit out. Go live a beautiful life. long beautiful life. Bye.