i have been insufferable my entire life (part one?)

Added: 2026-05-11

[00:00:00]Hey guys, welcome back to my channel.

[00:00:01]Um, thank you guys again for your support. Last time I posted I had like 4,000 subscribers. Now I have like almost 8,000. I want to set up like an automatic post on my channel every time that I get a subscriber. Like woo 7,0001, you know, woo 7,0002, but I that's not an option. And also that would be probably incredibly annoying.

[00:00:20]But it's exciting for me every time.

[00:00:22]Also, I'm trying to respond to all of your DMs. Um, you guys are DMing me and whenever I'm at work and I get a DM, I like go look around and I'm like, they don't know that I'm living like a secret double life like kind of on time. I look through a lot of my journal entries for writing for this channel. Um, and usually like any journal entry that I made starting when I was like 12 was just me complaining and I'm still complaining to this day. Everybody thinks complaining is like some negative annoying thing when actually no good change ever came from someone not complaining. So basically I'm just like the suffragette. Uh, a current complaint that I have right now is that I just bought Tomodachi Life: Living the Dream.

[00:00:58]And I'm already surprised by like how little there is to do in this game.

[00:01:02]There's going to be a lot of noise coming from outside my window on this channel. Like, in this installment, you can only give your Mi like certain items when they level up. Okay, in the old game on the 3DS, you could give your Mi like all these items and like they had so much more that they could do. And also, what was the point of giving us individual houses if you can't decorate the exteriors? Like, you can decorate the exteriors, but you kind of have to like draw them yourself. Like, I'm not going to do that. There should be like options. Also, they can't even interact with the furniture that's inside their house. I feel like it should have been like they give them three slots for furniture that they could like actually interact with in their house. Like, I just feel like there should have been more. You know what I mean? When a Mi like wants to sleep, they just take like a bed out of their pocket and then they sleep in it. which means that me who are married can't even sleep in the same bed, which means they have to like [ __ ] telepathically, which is terrible. Very disappointed. Okay, I've been playing it like every day, but I'm still very disappointed. Anyway, my point is that I have always been complaining and I feel like it's kind of amazing cuz I, you know, have I feel like I've been through so many significant changes in my life, but I'm still like doing the exact same stuff, writing about the exact same stuff. So, I was thinking like, when did this start? You know, when did I become this way? And I think the answer is actually in middle school. I became this way because of middle school. So I went to a suburban middle school in New Jersey, which was 6th through 8th grade.

[00:02:23]And I think specifically my dysfunction started in 7th grade. Insert a photo of me in seventh grade, which is like one of the only photos that I have of myself. And I took it like a selfie on my iPad. Like I took it like like that.

[00:02:39]Um, this is not actually the same iPad that I had when I was a kid. I exchanged it at the Apple store for a new iPad, I think. Um, which is good cuz I took like nudes of myself when I was in seventh grade. I was just trying to see if I could like be attractive. Like I wanted to see if I could be pretty, too. Okay, I wasn't sending them to anybody. I would tell you if I was. You guys know I would tell you if I was. And I think honestly maybe that was normal. I don't know. And then I would like masturbate to them, which I don't think was normal.

[00:03:08]like me in seventh grade masturbating to photos of me in seventh grade that I took. This only happened like three times. Like it wasn't something I was doing like a lot. But I told you I had really big boobs and I hated them, but I kind of liked them, you know. Anyway, hopefully Apple like erases whatever hard drives I get. Anyway, I knew that I was fat ever since I was in fifth grade.

[00:03:28]Actually, more like when I was five.

[00:03:29]Anyway, I didn't really start really hating myself because of my weight until seventh grade. Surprisingly, nobody uh ever commented like nobody nobody in my in my school ever commented about my my weight. I think it's because um I told everybody that I was cutting myself. Uh which I was. Oh, trigger warning. [ __ ] Okay, I'll fix it. I think just nobody wanted to be like involved in that. Um so, in a way, oversharing actually, you know, protected me. Oversharing is good. I'm pro oversharing. I think we should all be doing it. It was crazy because even though I never got bullied, which was crazy in itself because I was the most bulliable person, I always had this feeling that it was like me versus the world. Um, but really it wasn't. It was just me versus me and also me versus my eighth grade math teacher. He was weird.

[00:04:17]I don't know. He like really messed with my head like on purpose. He always said I was looking for attention, which I was. And I was so confused about why I wasn't getting any attention. What why is nobody giving me any attention? It wasn't that I only uh just wanted attention, which I did, but it was also that I felt like I didn't have any redeeming qualities for which a person could love me. I'm not saying that I'm like some poor victim of like a terrible childhood. By the way, I had a great childhood. I just um I'm trying to figure out now like why I gave myself such a complex and like how that could happen. I mean, it was, you know, expected that my grades were good. Um I I wasn't allowed to dye my hair. But these are all like very you know standard things for like a you know upper middle class upbringing. It wasn't like I was looking around at my peers and they all had less strict you know families than I did. It was we were kind of all one and the same. So I think I just happened to be the duff of my friend group. The dumb ugly fat friend.

[00:05:12]Or actually no it's the designated ugly fat friend. But I was just dumber and uglier and fatter than all of my friends. Um, like by the time I was in seventh grade, I just kind of happened to be in like the pretty like kind of popular girl group. They weren't like the top popular kids, but they were like maybe the third most popular group. I still have these rankings in my head after all these times, but all my friends were like in honors and they, you know, were pretty. And I just kind of happened to notice that I like wasn't, you know, getting any attention.

[00:05:43]So, I think that it wasn't about me not meeting the bar that like my parents set for me. I think I wasn't beating the bar that I was setting for myself just from like being in the kind of smart popularish group. One of the things that I became obsessed with in middle school was being the best at at least one thing cuz then I felt like if I was I would be able to kind of hold a candle to these girls. I joined chorus in middle school and sometimes I would be good and sometimes I wouldn't. I'm I'm kind of pitchy and I have no rhythm and I also can't read music. But I actually like my voice now a lot cuz I feel like it can just it can get the job done. So I became really obsessed with getting a solo in the chorus or the select chorus which I joined in in middle school. Um and I would audition every time for a solo. Maybe there were six opportunities a year. Um and I never would get one.

[00:06:35]And that really like plagued me a lot. I wasn't like the worst singer ever and I often felt like I was better than some of the kids who did get solos. Like I would like use like evidence like I was like, "Oh, well I made the county chorus and this person didn't but she got a solo and I didn't." So then I the only, you know, reasonable explanation was that I'm just ugly and fat and unlikable. That's why I'm not getting one. Okay. So here's an excerpt from my notes from January of 2015 where I am talking about that. So, this is like the equivalent of like a journal, okay? Cuz I I I did write a physical journal. I ended up throwing it away because it honestly it was just really triggering like to read it. Like I would read it all the time like in high school and stuff and I was like I was [ __ ] up.

[00:07:21]You know what I mean? But I did keep all I do still have all my notes and I'm never going to get rid of them anyway.

[00:07:26]So, okay. Says, "I'm not talented. I will never be better than anyone else and get a lead in a play or a solo in chorus, but there's no way to avoid this disappointment besides not trying at all. Blah blah blah. And then it says, I've always relied on fate. I believe in that [ __ ] I learned about cursing like the day before, I guess. I think I'm going to succeed at something and then I fail. Then I think, oh, fate must be setting me up for something really good.

[00:07:49]And then I fail again. There's this old theory that life is like a ferris wheel and God spins it and sometimes there's days are good and sometimes they are bad. It looks like this. Then I drew a picture.

[00:08:01]Okay, this is a picture. It's like a person kind of blowing a wheel and then the wheel says, "Ferris wheels are shaped like balls, so therefore ball is literally life." This is like kind of a relic of the time. Then I wrote, "This is probably a reliable system for many people. If it is true, it may not be. I mean, is there even a god up there? I don't know, man. I don't know." Again, I'm saying the exact same stuff I was saying, but I did not. Same person.

[00:08:27]Okay. Well, based on my life, this doesn't work for me. So, I decided my life would be better represented by another circular object, like a flat tire representing not the events that happened, but my attitude towards them.

[00:08:38]Like this. Then, I drew a flat tire and it just says like really bad bad bad.

[00:08:43]That's an excerpt from my journal from my notes. Um, how could I have been 15?

[00:08:49]I like distinctly remember writing that in seventh grade. So, I think maybe my I probably edited it and then like the date changed or something. I don't know.

[00:08:56]So, I ended up winning the select course award when I was in eighth grade. Um, and I asked the course teacher, I was like, "Hey, if I'm so good, like, why didn't I get a solo?" I auditioned like 18 times.

[00:09:10]And he was like, "Oh, I didn't give you a solo. Like, I I thought I did give you one. I was just trying to spread the wealth around."

[00:09:16]I don't know if that's like true, like what he said. But, um, this is a journal entry that I wrote about that incident happening. This was a I wrote it a year after he said that to me. I was in I was a freshman in high school. I was still thinking about this. Reasons why I'm allowed to be pissed at Mr. the course teacher. This is very overdramatic.

[00:09:35]Okay. I was a student. I was an actual person with feelings and maybe some sort of talent. He made me feel like I had nothing because he never recognized me for it. Which he had six opportunities a year to do one solo. He couldn't have remembered to give me one solo. There was no doubt that I would feel different about myself right now. It feels really great to be picked. He gave Caitlyn two solos. Caitlyn was my best friend in eighth grade. He gave Caitlyn two solos and me zero. He didn't even know what I was going through, but he did. And that had so much to do with her. I'm not blaming him for not knowing. Sounds like I am. But his decisions were so ignorant that I'm still mad and upset about it one year later. It ruined every chance of me ever feeling better at myself or getting my [ __ ] together. It was unfair.

[00:10:15]again a lot, you know, of weight on putting on the this solo thing when really uh my self-worth is all my fault at that point, I think. Anyway, but I mean, her Nora got like three solos. It was stupid and excessive. She was a really good singer. I may seem like a jealous dick for being mad about that, but it's not even towards Hanor or Caitlyn anymore. Now, I disagree with just doing that in general. Why would you give multiple solos to the same person? Like, as an educator, think about what you're doing. you're wearing down and destroying the confidence of developing middle school age girls parenthesis or boys and it's just mean.

[00:10:52]It's not an important lesson. It's wasn't justifiable and it was mean. So, I really took I really took that to heart, you know? I think um there's a lesson to be learned here and it's just just to put your [ __ ] phone down and shut the [ __ ] up. I don't think he knew that I was using me not getting a solo as uh evidence that I had no value as an individual. But um would have been nice, but I mean I placed so much uh value on what I was doing in middle school and what I was getting and I couldn't just take a loss and move on. And I really wish that I could just go back in time and hit myself with a brick because I should have been writing. I I I should have been doing stuff that I liked. I measured myself based only on how my teachers viewed me and how I stood up to my peers and not like at all about what I was actually doing, which was nothing, which was crying and cutting myself. My friends at the time actually kind of hated me and they didn't understand why I was so like depressed all the time.

[00:11:52]Um, and my guidance counselor actually suggested to me that I just join this different friend group that happened to be dumber and uglier. Just kidding. Some of them were cutting themselves, too.

[00:12:02]And I went to their cafeteria table one day when I was in seventh or eighth grade and I said, "Hey, the guidance counselor said that you guys uh would be friends with me." And they're like, "Yeah." And we became friends. And I'm friends with two of them still to this day. Everybody has had a massive glow up. Okay. Even people I'm not friends with today. Everybody got really, really hot. So, just want to put that out there. Um, and I'm still friends with two of them. And um I'm actually still friends with one of the girls from the pretty popular friend group. So it's just it's amazing how none of these things matter at all. So if you're in middle school right now, doesn't matter. Nothing matters.

[00:12:40]Literally nothing. There's not a single thing you're doing right now that matters. That's not true. If you you have a hobby, okay, that's my that's my suggestion. Just have a hobby. You can't you can't be you can't be living without a hobby. You got to do something. In eighth grade, I ended up getting um like a part in the musical and it was a bigger part than I expected and also that everybody expected. They were like, "What?" Um it was I think Frenchie in Greece. That kind of helped. But at that point, I had already done so much damage to the way that I was composing my self-worth that it didn't really matter.

[00:13:13]Um, again, like I really wish I had some type of hobby, but I I could not imagine that anything could be important outside of the confines of what I was doing at school, cuz that was what people might care about me for. And then the other thing that I was obsessed with was my sixth and seventh grade band teacher. I actually have like a long history. This is like probably something I'll have to talk about in a different video, but I have like a long history of like getting really obsessed with like one person at a time and caring about them more than you should care about anybody in your life. And I don't know why I did this.

[00:13:47]And I did this I kind of stopped in college, like halfway through college.

[00:13:51]And I don't know why I even stopped. I think I honestly just stopped meeting people that were interesting to me. But in middle school, I played the tenor saxophone and I really was not good. And she, when I was in sixth grade, she really didn't like me at all. Um, I remember one time in sixth grade, uh, my friends, like three of my friends and me all were in a group together to like record a part of a song so that we could have it like play on our iPad during like a showcase of stuff we were doing in school. And it took us forever to record just this little snippet because I kept messing up. And my friends were getting really annoyed with me and they told me that they regretted having me in their group. And then my band teacher was like, "You should have practiced."

[00:14:30]And I did practice. I just suck. Like some people just aren't good at things.

[00:14:35]Okay, I couldn't read music. I It's hard to learn how to play something when you look at music and it's just like gibberish to you. Like it's like it's like another language to me. I've tried to learn music forever. I was in piano lessons for years. I was in band my whole middle school, high school experience. I took AP music theory when I was a senior in high school. I just never couldn't. I just never clicked.

[00:15:00]Okay? It's not everybody can do everything. Okay? And that's fine.

[00:15:02]Giving up trying to read music was a really good decision because I can now try to just like do things that I can do. Point is that I did practice but just not I didn't practice that much.

[00:15:11]Could have practiced more. Uh anyway, so she was kind of annoyed with me when I was in sixth grade, but then in seventh grade I didn't make the upper band, so I was stuck with her as a teacher. And I think she just kind of accepted it at that point. Like I think also I wasn't talking to people in band anymore during band class because all of my friends moved up to the the upper band except for me. She also started during band telling these uh stories like about her life when she was our age, like about how she was, you know, just as big as she is now, just as tall as she is now.

[00:15:42]She was kind of tall and how she was like quiet and shy and how like her whole life she kind of had to learn to like fake her confidence. I think there was something to me about listening to someone tell stories about like surviving through kind of things that I was going through that really moved me and I became like just totally like obsessed with her. Like I my mom forced me to be in band and I like hated it.

[00:16:07]She wants to see the videos now um because the YouTube algorithm hates me and it put one of my videos on my brother's YouTube homepage. Not to be overdramatic, but like that is the biggest coincidence in the world, right?

[00:16:21]Like what? Like that's crazy. Like the video had like 30,000 views at the time.

[00:16:25]My brother watches videos about stocks and like football, I think. I actually don't know. I don't think he's watching videos about girls talking about the vaginas, though. Maybe he is, but I'm there. I was there. And so he didn't watch it. He said that he um he he actually asked if I'd be comfortable with him watching my videos. I told him, you know, it's his choice. If he can separate it and just watch it as like a funny video, like then that's fine. But if not, if you know he can't watch it, then that's fine, too. I don't care.

[00:16:48]It's up to him. But I ended up telling my mom just because I didn't want her to find out like kind of in the same way my brother found out. Yeah. I'm like not going to tone it down though for them.

[00:16:55]Like if I tone it down, it should be because I want money. I'm not monetizing this channel because yet because I'm I'm I'm not being family friendly enough.

[00:17:04]But um you know, if I do tone it down, it's cuz I've sold out. Just letting you know. We'll see. I'll let you know. I'll be honest with you. But anyway, I'm not going to tone it down for them because they're choosing to click the videos if they are and that's inflicting damages upon themselves. So, but when she would tell these stories, it was like the most interesting and important part of my life. Like I lived to go to band so that I could hear her talk about uh her her childhood. I started um like going to her office and visiting her during lunch and like between periods. Even though like I was really bad at saxophone, I like still looked forward to my lessons um because I could like see her. like she was just the coolest person to me. I just kind of felt like she understood me. She was like the only adult that understood me. Um and then she she kind of started liking me, I think, cuz she saw me as um like a kid and not like someone who's just sucked at. But I think I I I mean I know I took it very very far because I ended up kind of seeing her as like a surrogate mom and like I really imposed myself on this woman's life when she left for maternity leave when I was in eighth grade. I was like devastated cuz I felt like she was going to have a daughter that would like replace me. Not normal. Okay. But also I was a kid so yeah. I mean I was a teenager so not saying there's an excuse but you know I don't know. I was I was weird. It was really hard for me when I graduated middle school because I knew that the only adult that I could talk to really was not going to be a part of my life anymore. Um and after like the eighth grade dance, I kind of felt like it was really over and I was so sad. Oh, insert picture of me at the eighth grade dance. Okay. But I was like so sad. I wrote um like a a one one verse of like a song. Uh which I unfortunately I don't have any of the recordings that I had on my phone of all the songs that I wrote.

[00:18:55]I think last year I just realized how cringey they were and I deleted them all which I think now is such a shame because that's why they're funny. Like they're they were not good. But it was just like I spent so many years writing these stupid like one verses or whatever about what I was going through and like it would have been nice to, you know, have them and be able to listen to them.

[00:19:15]So just don't delete anything and pay for storage. That's my advice. I do remember all of the melodies of like the little songs that I would write. Usually they were like 10 seconds. Um so I'll play that for you. It's very short.

[00:19:34]I found where I left my motivation. I left it there at the graduation.

[00:19:44]I'm never going to get it back.

[00:19:49]Yeah. Anyway, so that was my basically my entire middle school experience. Um I was going to do middle school and high school in one video, but I just that was a lot. So, I think I'll just have to do that in a different like video. I don't know if I do it at all. I don't know.

[00:20:04]We'll see. Yeah. I mean, I think that middle school was like where all of like the crazy started. Um, and now I'm just trying to be a normal person. So, let me know if it's working. You kind of just want to like shake your past self and like wake her up and be like, "Girl, like shut up about everything that you are thinking about. Find a hobby." But you can't you can't go back. So anyway, if anybody was wondering about me getting an air conditioner, cuz I mentioned it like a couple of videos ago, I am getting one this weekend. My dad is coming to install it. Um, he might watch the videos, so if he still loves me, then yeah, he'll come and install it. Um, so hopefully next time I have an air conditioner and a father. Anyway, bye.