D is Not a Good Grade! | Paula Poundstone

Added: 2026-05-15

[00:00:00]Hey Donald Trump, it's just me, Paula Poundstone. I was just playing with the cats. Can I ask you a question? Did you interview Tom Homan for the White House borders our position or did you just see him in the Rocky and Mugsy Looney Tunes cartoon and had to have him? He said with great self-satisfaction in a TV interview that 60% of the detainees in the detention centers are violent criminals.

[00:00:26]That means 40% are not.

[00:00:30]On a test, that's a D and not a high D.

[00:00:34]And that's what I want to talk to you about. It wouldn't have taken many interview questions to determine that this guy has some character flaws.

[00:00:45]Questions like, "What can I get you to do for this cover bag full of $50,000?"

[00:00:50]Or, "See this palette of colors?

[00:00:53]Which one makes you the angriest?" You could even have asked, "Did you get a lot of 60% on tests in school?" But ask it like you thought it was a good thing, he's more likely to admit it.

[00:01:05]Oh.

[00:01:06]You do think it was a good thing.

[00:01:09]It's not.

[00:01:11]I saw Homan in a press gaggle recently.

[00:01:14]He said American citizens were never deported. They were just held and questioned with probable cause. Probable cause like they were brown in their car.

[00:01:24]They were brown at their job. They were brown walking. They were just held, questioned, and let go, for heaven's sakes.

[00:01:32]Like when I WAS A KID AND I WOULD CATCH SALAMANDERS and put them in a shoe box under my bed for a couple of nights. So long as you poke holes in the lid, it's no big deal, right?

[00:01:44]I'm kidding. It is a big deal.

[00:01:47]What?

[00:01:48]I thought you'd know I was being sarcastic. Oh, okay, this is awkward now. No, it is a big deal.

[00:01:57]Hey, uh I was listening to the great American historian Heather Cox Richardson a couple days ago. She said there are some issues with the gold Trump phone. She said they changed the words on the website from made in America to made with American values in mind. So, I'm guessing they actually get made in China by someone who gets beaten if they stop for a drink of water and makes the equivalent of a dollar a day, but they have our values in mind while they're doing it. First of all, the wordsmith who wrote that must be the undisputed king of refrigerator magnet poetry and should be by your side at the defendant's table from the minute you're out of the presidency. I don't imagine Chinese people know that much about our values. We don't all have the same values. Wait a minute. You're in China right now, aren't you?

[00:02:49]Make sure they don't think your values are all Americans values.

[00:02:54]They'll put their name on every phone, play golf for half the work week, and lie about goddamned everything.

[00:03:03]What? I'm kidding. You're so sensitive today. What's wrong?

[00:03:09]Oh, I'm sorry. I keep forgetting you're in China.

[00:03:13]I saw your arrival.

[00:03:15]She wasn't even there.

[00:03:17]You know, Donald, I think a lot of the world is just sick of you.

[00:03:22]He almost left the key under the mat with a note that said, "Let yourself in and if you're hungry, there's a can of a choy on the dresser."