The Truth Behind Coercive Control | Nervous System Seeking Safety

Added: 2026-06-01

[00:00:00]So, Canada just passed legislation where you can now sue your partner if they engage in coercive control. And I think these discussions about coercive control are really important because these dynamics don't look like obvious abuse.

[00:00:13]A lot of the time, they look like subconscious attempts to regulate yourself through another person.

[00:00:20]Believing your partner should manage your emotions, punishing or withdrawing when somebody disappoints you, making them responsible for your sense of safety, expecting constant reassurance or validation or access, believing that sex, attention, emotional labor, or responsiveness are owed to you, using emotional reactions to regain closeness or certainty, monitoring changes in tone or energy or texting or attention, needing agreement in order to feel safe, perceiving boundaries as rejection, trying to control outcomes to avoid discomfort. Most people are not doing these things consciously. A lot of this comes from a nervous system organized around survival, attachment, fear, abandonment, and unresolved pain. I found my way out of these survival strategies through self-referencing, through developing enough self-awareness and nervous system capacity to stop using other people to manage my internal world, from shifting my nervous system to external orientation to internal orientation. A lot of relationship spaces are going to tell you that that's not possible. We're social creatures and we need connection and co-regulation.

[00:01:24]But what they're not talking about is orientation. Which direction does my nervous system move in order to secure safety? Is it seeking it from other people or is it anchored in the self?

[00:01:34]Understanding nervous system orientation changed everything for me. If you're ready to step into a new relationship framework, one that's actually going to give you the experience in relationships that you're looking for, free masterclass. The link is in my bio.