Relapse prologue — Todd, parties and downfall

[00:00:00]all right guys well here we are um i've been trying to do a video for the last few days and uh first of all i feel self-conscious like i look like [ __ ] um i'm coming off a gnarly [ __ ] drug run and i'm finally i had to taper off benzos because that's one of the i mean we're going to do a whole relapse series so you're going to hear like the different times i went to treatment how i [ __ ] up how to start sucking dick for buds yeah that's that bud's enormous well [ __ ] um i tried over and over and over again and i don't the thing is is like most of us i don't really know [ __ ] about fentanyl you know when i was like a younger druggie we would get the patches and we would cook them down and we could inject them or get the fentanyl lollipops and i used to love them right that was like medical fentanyl the stuff that they have now like the chinese analog fentanyl is [ __ ] weird [ __ ] right like the first time i got strung out on it was in the midwest um because it's going around it's china white and it took me like three days to get sick i was like oh i'm good i was like all like feeling going back to my normal life and i'm just like doing jump rope and i start farting and [ __ ] starts spewing out of my ears i'm like oh my god there's something wrong um it's really odd right you know and then sometimes it has a short half-life it depends on what analog you're dealing with it started with cocaine then i got into crack right started doing math started doing heroin which i'm going to get into in this series this is going to be the relapse series this is going to be on the 10 tier that this particular video is kind of like the prologue for fear and loathing in the midwest so this is going to be for all tears and i'm going to try to do a fear loading in the midwest today as well uh it's been really difficult for me to even try to post videos because i've been really nauseous like the post acute which are all part of this is a lot different than heroin um and then you know i was tapering off benzos too which i'm completely off benzos starting today i think yesterday actually was the first time that i went a whole day without a benzo uh that's another thing i got addicted to so i was dealing with all this different stuff and i felt like i looked like [ __ ] like i'm still all [ __ ] scratched up and i wasn't injecting the fentanyl i was smoking it off tin foil um but it progressed to that you know i shot heroin for like three months and then the last month or so i got into smoking straight fentanyl now i have friends dying left and right from it you probably have friends dying from it um how it ever got to that point i don't know i mean you know sometimes telling stories helps me kind of go back and do these retrospective autopsies of what went wrong in the first place like why did i relapse to begin with um so like i'm having really weird side effects you know like my stomach isn't normal i'm still throwing up a lot like i can't really keep down a meal i just took an imodium um like last night i tried to do a video several times just couldn't do it like i would puke in the middle of it and with so many people that are like against me right now um i'm like [ __ ] that you know they're gonna be like oh that guy's still strung out and i'm not but the aftermath of the fentanyl is just insane how i got off of it the last time because i went in and out of detox i tried different methods that i'd read on reddit um i think it's called the burnsie method where you start microdosing with subs um that didn't work with the fentanyl and how i eventually did it is i switched from fentanyl to roxy's and i started tapering right so i do a shot every i was shooting the rocks do a shot every three hours one day next day i did one every six hours then the next day i did one every 12 hours then i did one final shot and then 12 hours after that i took a sub and i was finally able to get off the [ __ ] fentanyl and the opiates all the other the only thing that i'm on right now is subs not even smoking weed um but we have to go back to the beginning you know i know sometimes i can be repetitive and i don't want to be but for the sake of this story in these two different storylines so right you know all tiers are going to get the free loading in the midwest 10 tier is going to get the relapse and so it's kind of like if you're reading a book sometimes books go from like one time period to another each chapter it um jumps back and forth that's kind of how this is going to be it's going to be like break you know three dollars here ten dollars here it's gonna switch back and forth and i apologize for the last few months i'm to try to make it up with um doing as much content as i can bear with me as um as i'm getting back to normal right now i'm trying really hard um so let's just start from the beginning how the relapse started so back in january well i really all started with mickey avalon right so i went on the simon rex show a couple years ago and he also raps under the name dirt nasty dirt nasty and mickey avalon collaborate together all the time so after i was on simon rex's show um i hit up mickey avalon i was like hey i'd like to write your memoir like i think your life's really interesting it was like you know basically went from like being a street prostitute to being a millionaire getting signed interscope getting a million dollar check um multiple deaths in his family crazy ass addiction [ __ ] i he's like one of the few people whose lives that i'd want to write about um so i started hanging out with mickey now he's sober but he started introducing me to all of his friends that some are still using some art and what i started doing is i started hanging out with these people you know just like trying to organically get to know mickey as well as possible through people telling me stories about him from mickey avalon he's good friends with tommy lee tommy's married to brittany furlon today is your name brittany furlong long and she's got a podcast and i asked because hey can you get me on that show she got me on or he got me on it he asked her she said yes and i went this is at their house so i knew i was gonna go meet tommy lee i was all excited i was like dude that guy's dick is [ __ ] massive i'm gonna meet him i'm gonna look down at his crotch see if i can see anything i don't care so what weiner gazing something i picked up in the joint yeah it's like bird watching tommy was like get out of my house queer i was like no he's actually really nice but the night before i went to be on that podcast i had been struggling like i got out of prison and you guys know on the what really happened series that was in the 20 tier while back i've gone through various relapses right then i get clean for a few months or like beyond suboxone at one point i was off suboxone entirely um you know and then i'd fall back into mild ways that's what addiction is it's cyclical so this time i'm trying to do something different to make sure that i never ever go back to the place that i was just at because it was so [ __ ] hard it was like ridiculous how gnarly this last run was so because i was going to be on that show i went to go get a haircut now my the guy that gives me my haircut was my landlord's like friend so he came over there all the time he'd always be cutting his hair they'd be drinking beers mexicans now you know you know this guy was a south sider the guy that i lived with was a south sider and that's what they do barbecue and they cut each other's hair you know they don't need a haircut there's like i'm [ __ ] bored dog let me cut your [ __ ] hair fool i'm [ __ ] hey i'm [ __ ] wasted fool and i'd be like i've been to prison can i get my hair cut they'd be like come on come over here white boy [ __ ] you [ __ ] it little they come and i cut my hair so when i first met this guy that was the haircut guy and that's just what we'll call him he's like yeah i saw crystal i saw cocaine food i sell [ __ ] handguns i sell [ __ ] grenades dog i got [ __ ] grenades in my [ __ ] honda fool i'm like no i'm good but i used to buy wheat off them so i'm buying weed off and whatever and anytime i need a haircut um he would come over to my house and he cut my hair the night before i went on brittany's show i i called him and i was like hey i need a haircut because i'm gonna be on this podcast and he's like hey come over to this barber shop that i worked for i'd never done that before you'd always come over to my place that guest house that we were renting before and he cut my hair up there this particular time though i went to this barber shop he's with like south siders that they're like shirtless they have like oozies in their laps now i made that part up but yeah you know it's like a bunch of south siders of this barber shop they're all getting wasted i had done a really good job with not drinking right like i'd be around drinking all the time and i just wouldn't do it you know um i don't really like drinking but i'm an alcohol i'm just a straight dope thing so i'll do anything it doesn't matter what it is like i'll [ __ ] huff and halence i'll do anything to get me out of my mind it's just because i'm an addict but out of respect for karina because she's such a hardcore alcoholic she has like one beer and she's thinking [ __ ] everywhere she's a [ __ ] gremlin [ __ ] gremlin um out of respect for her because she tries so hard to stay away from alcohol and be a good mom i don't drink so that particular night like in like that also means that when i'm away from like once in a while i'd go to like a party or something and like i'd have a drink and i'd always like get busted someone like post like a picture on instagram and like have like a [ __ ] beer in my hand and she's like hey it was a pride that's a prop here i have like my fly down my dick's like hanging out in my pants like you look wasted i'm like no so this night these guys were drinking and i started telling him i'm going to be on the show i told him tommy lee like who the [ __ ] is that fool i'm like motley crue shout out the devil girls girls girls down for that [ __ ] yeah that's [ __ ] tight fool you need some cocaine dog and he hooks me up for free grandma blow i've been off blow for i don't know i hadn't done it for a long time so i go home and i store coke all night all right just one gram but i hadn't done it for so long i'm doing these like little lines and i may have even done a video that i don't remember but i don't sleep so the next day i show up at brittany furlong's house um i did a video like on the way to her place because it was just trippy you like show up at the gate i'm like yeah i'm here to see tommy lee they're like tommy [Music] there's some small dick dude here he's like leone i'm like yeah it's me yeah go on in i've been up all night you know and a lot of times like if i'm on a bigger podcast i stay up all night anyway because i'm like all excited it's like when you're a kid and you know you're going to disneyland the next day you can't sleep but i i couldn't sleep because i was excited and i was on cocaine so i go and i'm on her podcast oh yeah i'm sober now yeah i mean you know thinking about thinking about becoming a professional swimmer you know i have goals because i'm off drugs obviously just saying all this nonsense i mean what are you gonna say it puts me in a weird position because at that point i had a mask not like a huge follower or anything like i'm not delusional it's like whatever solid it's like the five inches of followings um but enough people were following me at the time where i felt obligated not to glorify drugs and like not to talk about yeah i just relapsed on coke last night with some salsa haircut people it was [ __ ] amazing i'm not gonna say that so what i'm not using i'm not a liar when i'm using i turn into the biggest liar ever i'm like [ __ ] spinning basketballs on my finger like when i'm like telling lies in french i'm like a professional liar when i'm on drugs after that interview this guy just starts coming over i like i i call him like yo i need an eight ball he'd be there in like five minutes he'll be right there like sometimes i think he was like camped out outside of my house like a winnebago with like his [ __ ] chick like yo the white boy's calling and i started getting eight balls every day now when i'm on cocaine i act weird that's just what happens right i started acting like a weirdo i get very paranoid get on this trip the koreans cheating on me any girl that i date i think they're cheating on me if i do i could do one line of blow and i think there's a dick in her ass like right now [ __ ] open the door and peek out i'm like hey what's in your butt right now let me see it should i think what are you doing blow i'm like uh and i like lock the door i'm like oh my god there's a dick in her ass and i knew it i started i get i and i think it's because and i've talked about this a million times before i think it's because i have gone through such insane psychosis throughout the years that um i instantly get plunged back into it even if i do a small amount of math or cope metho makes me gay i'm gay on meth no but cocaine and matt both make me like super paranoid and super horny which is like the worst they'll be like [ __ ] karina and i'm like who's anthony she's like huh who the [ __ ] is it anthony i think oh my god i knew you're on blow and also on top of this i was addicted to snorting wellbutrin the whole time so there were like periods that i'm sure you can remember looking back we're like i sound so nasally i'm like yeah i'm getting my septum fixed tomorrow i really was having septum problems but it's because i'm [ __ ] snorting wellbutrin and cocaine every day all day every day and while beatrix is a good cover because karina didn't care that i was doing that she's like you know whatever you prescribe that it keeps you off hard [ __ ] whatever right she didn't care if i was on suboxone weed or wellbutrin other drugs she trips on so um i just started getting kind of like out of control on the blow very agitated um very like um you know paranoid you know i'm not really i've worked really hard not to be jealous and not to like care about too much stuff about my girl but when i'm on coke all that [ __ ] goes out the window so i started getting jealous and i started acting weird and she started accusing me of being on coke all the time and i would deny it deny it and i no no no no no i'm not on cope so this goes on for a long time and doing videos on cocaine is like getting tortured like seriously it's so hard to do videos when you're on blow because like you'll be like telling a story and then like a little like voice will whisper say some funny [ __ ] or just stop recording now [ __ ] and you're like like try to say something funny and just doesn't come out good and then like you start analyzing it and then like your other side of your brains like analyzing this side of your brain and just gets all confusing and it gets weird so i used to dread doing videos on blow i hadn't started smoking crack yet there was a period where i relapsed for a week on heroin it was right around that time i i think i'm getting the chronology right i could be getting it wrong but i'm pretty sure i went to go get the root canal and they gave me painkillers and i went out on heroin boom and i even told them not to give them to me same [ __ ] that happened to paul dentists just love to give you painkillers especially if you tell yeah i'm a recovering addict like [ __ ] yeah i'm going to destroy this [ __ ] dodger fan's life [ __ ] him so there was a period where i'd relapse on heroin for like a week and karina threatened to leave me and at that point i was like i'll do anything i'll do a drug test so i like did one and i was like i'd gotten off the heroin but i come up dirty for blow and she's like what the [ __ ] and i'm like oh my god i i i was i don't know i was practicing she's like for what i was like swimming professionally in case maybe i was tired she's like shut up shut up drug addict i'm leaving you i'm like oh my god so i stopped stop doing cocaine for a while time goes on right so now i'm like sober you know and like there's per you can tell with my appearance when i'm sober and when i'm not like you know you can probably tell that i'm like cut like that i'm sober in this video right but like other videos you can tell that i'm not i mean it's just obvious when i'm not then i get on the bretty stinellis podcast it's like my favorite [ __ ] writer i love this dude so much he's gay i'd suck his dick not because he's gay just because i love his writing i'm just the gay thing is a coincidence bro i'm sucking your dick he's really he's he's like one of my biggest influences as a writer right and um what i had done is i dm'd them on instagram i do that a lot like you know um if i want to get on a podcast i'll just cold call or dm somebody and i'll ask them if i get on their show you know and sometimes they say no sometimes they say yes and with bretty stenellis he has big time people on his show he had kanye on there um he's had quentin tarantino on there uh marilyn manson you know like some little tiny self-published writer small youtube following is not a likely candidate to get on this show but i hit i dm him on instagram and his boyfriend hits me back now his boyfriend is the mo is one of the most insane guy people i've ever met in my entire life his name was todd this was not the todd that was working for me as an assistant um at at some point a few months ago it's a different todd um he's my age he's the guy that wanted me to write the gay eight mile he's like we'll call it gay mile that was my id he's like it's brilliant i'm like i'm gay he's like i know i knew it but i sent my pitch letter on the dm to brett thinking it's going to him and it actually goes to his boyfriend todd now in the pitch letter i always say that i wrote my first book in prison because i was working for a mexican drug cartel blah blah blah you guys have heard this [ __ ] a million times and todd is a drug addict so i like perked his his like ears perked up or something when he read the pitch because i guess he is brett's assistant and would like read whatever dms would come in or whatever emails he's like oh my god i want you on the show just because you're a junkie i was like well what about like my book he's like [ __ ] your book drugs are cool i'm like nice like now i'm gonna say this chances that you're gonna get on brett's show are probably about one in a billion i'm like oh right on so i'm probably going to get on then right he's like yeah look it here's the puppy i got for for nico nico don't bite a nikko that's cubby i already scratched niko badly i'm going to spank the puppy can't be terrorizing my three-year-old like that um but he's like look because you're a drug addict and because i'm a drug addict i am going to fight for you to get on the show i will fight and if he won't let you be on it then we'll just get loaded together i was like all right whatever so he's like look i'm gonna have brett read your book if he likes it then you can get on if he doesn't you won't he's like all right now when i was in prison writing wasting talent this is the guy that like i kind of modeled myself after you know i just like i just love his writing you know um he wrote less than zero turned into a movie with uh robert downey jr where he's like sucking dick for drugs i don't know i just really like that movie um no i don't like the movie i like the book um he wrote american psycho which i love the rules of attraction which i love um he's just an author that i like really he influenced me like more than most other writers and it's the kind of thing where i'm like okay like i understand this guy's [ __ ] someday like if he reads my stuff and like endorses it and i know that like i taught myself correctly how to write so i send my so um todd ends up buying the book off amazon and gives it to brett brett reads like [ __ ] 10 books a week he's like sits in his room like that's all he does is read and probably such a great writer and um you know about a week later well things start getting weird with todd right from the get-go right i sent todd a cut of my documentary he's like this documentary [ __ ] sucks i was like what he's like yeah the first 10 minutes are so boring he's like you have no talent you're nothing he's like i'm a pop star see he had these like weird delusions that he was a pop star but he's not right and he but like i had to be diplomatic with him because i want to be on the [ __ ] show so i'm like oh yeah yeah i do suck and you you are a pop star he's like yeah i know i know all right so he's like talking [ __ ] he's like emotionally abusing me and i'm just like taking it i'm like going into the bathroom and like cutting myself and [ __ ] about a week after brett gets the book todd you know sends me a dm on twitter and he's like dude brett loves your book he's like i can't believe it he's like you seem like such a [ __ ] idiot like he's like your personality is so whack i just can't believe that you wrote something that brett likes i was like oh thanks man it's a compliment for sure about a week after that i get and this is a period where i'm sober now right i'm sober again it was right after i'd gotten caught where i was like yeah i'll take a drug test i went to like cv or like i went to like the pharmacy got a drug test wasn't even thinking about the fact that coke was going to come out i was just trying to prove to karina that i was off heroin and um so i like that's how i'd stop doing coke because now she was like on me like you know she like burst into my office at like three in the morning and that's like have my legs propped up on my desk beating off with like lines like on cd cases she's like hey i'm doing a skit for youtube uh i swear and she's like you know so she started busting me and got to a point where i just i quit it's not like you have withdrawal from coke so about a week after he told me that brett likes the book sends me a text he sends me their home address and he says this is what day you're coming on the show i'm like oh my god i like call like my dad i'm like i'm to be on bretty snow this is podcast but i was like who the [ __ ] is that i'm like american psycho my dad's like yeah my dad likes that movie um no i like i don't know like i can't tell you how important this person is to me he's like one of my [ __ ] idols you know i have met a lot of people that i looked up to you know like creatively a lot of writers and stuff and actors musicians but this is like one of the very few that i was like straight up star struck by when i met now to be on a show like having like a panic attack like oh my god like going to the bathroom make myself puke i don't know why i'm just like this seems like something i should do right now just to be weird because i'm doing weird stay nico stop throwing dirt at the dog that's why he scratches you stop doing that hey cubby go inside out i can't smoke too close to me though all right so anyway so the night before i'm gonna go on the show i get a haircut i don't get any blow but i don't sleep that night anyway i'm excited i end up going on the show and when i get there so he so brett lives in this like high rise it looks like a new york high-rise but it's in west l.a eight out of ten people there are gay i fit right in i'm like yo i got a color shark tattoo they're like yeah what a fool all right stay down i get to his place and it's like it's it's like getting into fort knox like you get there they valet there's like armed security outside you get in um and then they have to like buzz you in to like open the elevator and they're like call okay mr leone's here and then i got up and todd was there he had like colored hair she's like what's up dog what's up so you ready for the podcast i was like yeah say cool me too me too i was like all right now i forgot to mention before i i had actually left right todd had confirmed with me via dm and he asked me if um i could get a new blow now i had heard i've been listening to brett's podcast for years right it's like probably my favorite podcast um he's got some really interesting guests on there and they talk about interesting stuff and he's like my top three favorite writers so i just love his podcast probably one of the smartest people i've ever met and i just like his views and opinions on things you know um [Music] so i had heard him talk about todd a bunch of times you'd be like yeah my drug addict boyfriend that's like 20 years younger than me millennial fuck-up that he is and it kind of became this like inside joke within the bretty snow's podcast you know his millennial boyfriend that's a drug addict so i don't want to disrespect brett by getting taught drugs like i'm not going to do that you know and i was like oh yeah i'll try because i don't want to say no and then have him be like well you're not coming on because he was he's like why he this guy is like a straight up psychopath like he's one of those people that gets off on power and his brett's like booking agent is a system that's like the only power that he has in life so like he uses it to bully people like probably bullies quentin tarantino he's like yeah you're a [ __ ] quentin he's like hmm all right todd um so i like to oh yeah yeah i'll try but i don't even make a phone call so i get in my car i made a video that i post on patreon a long time ago where i'm like on the way there and i passed mdcla where i done my time uh my first eight months when i got blessed by the feds where i kicked methadone i remember it was like a really like emotional moment for me i'm like going like when i was in prison and i was writing my first book i was so um i would fantasize about [ __ ] like this be like yeah someday i'm gonna be chilling with gay dudes and high rise in west l.a no someday i'm going to be you know recognized by my favorite artists one of them being bretty snow definitely quentin tarantine another one but brett you know i mean i read all of his books when i was in prison a lot of them i read multiple times i mean there's a guy that i like [ __ ] idolized and i remember going um you know driving to his place hey honey can you make i i got to finish this video can you make sure that um the dog is good with nico thanks honey [Music] um i remember looking at mbcla and like thinking about like what that was like you know like i'd go to bed and i'd be like someday people are to think i'm good at something i'd like to start crying like do a tally mark on my cell [ __ ] wall all right only three more years and here i am going to brady snella's house like one of my all-time biggest heroes so i get there and the whole thing is like i have adrenaline you know i'm like oh my god oh my god like i'm going to be on the show todd brings me into the apartment that's where they uh do the podcast and [Music] um gorgeous apartment it overlooks like all of la um it's like one of those it looks like a new york high res like you go out on the balcony and like you see the cityscape there's like this beautiful panoramic view and i went outside to smoke a cigarette i didn't see brett when i first got there i finished my cigarette i'm outside by myself i'd go into breasts eating a hamburger he's like oh hey ryan i'm like hey brett i take my shirt off i'm like shirt off ronnie's like shirt on he's like how are you immediately i start going into some like [ __ ] conversation with him about like this movie that i knew that he wrote that never got made and like i was wondering why i didn't get made cause i read the script it was like one of the best screenplays i ever read in my entire life um so that was like our conversation then we go into his office and he's got a studio so there's a producer there that records all of his stuff and todd kind of like stays in the living room i guess like when guests get there todd's not allowed to be in the recording room so i'm in this [ __ ] room and off is just like the one i'm in right now but his is much nicer he's got a bookshelf with all of his books on it and i see his computer and it's like this is where he wrote some of my favorite books like literally some of the books that he wrote he talks about this office in this apartment that he had imperial bedrooms one of my favorite books that he wrote he talks about living in this place it was so surreal to be there right i'm nervous i'm like sweating brett kind of explains to me how it's going to go down i'm like i'm [ __ ] starstruck i'm like beating off oh this guy is just such a good writer and then we go into the podcast it's like all right so we're going to talk about your life and selling drugs for cartel and yada yada talk about the book all right cool the way that the format of his show works is that he goes into a 10 minute monologue about his guest so if it's like quentin tarantino like talk about his entire career i self-published one book it's like all he could say but he gave me this like glowing endorsement talking about how much he loved the book and it was like some of the things that i tried in the book or things that i didn't know well i gotta get water i didn't know if they worked or not you know i didn't know if i was doing it right because i essentially taught myself how to write a book you know on the surface it's like just a story right a lot of people read the book and i'm like okay it's a drugged out story there's like a lot of metaphor in there there's like a lot of um subtext irony like things that i would read about in like books on how to write books and like you know brett's definitely like one of those people who i kind of modeled my work after in fact blair in wasting talent is named after [Music] the female heroine in less than zero and that was a tribute to brett and he picked up on that he talked about that in the opening monologue for his podcast and he was talking about how much he likes my book and pretty much he was saying how much that it's one of the better books that he had read by a millennial by a millennial and he said it was like a quin tarantino s journey into socal madness said it was one of the most honest more [ __ ] up books he had read about addiction just like all this stuff that was just like jizz was just like spewing out of me like a garden hose it's like ah that was really good i really needed them so then we go into the podcast i'm like speechless this guy like basically just like my hero is telling me that i'm good and that he understood what i was doing it was like a really defining moment for me you know and people are always like you drop names me me me i'm so good look at you you're a show off but it's like like man like this is the [ __ ] that i dreamed about you know i dreamed that like someday like these people would actually like acknowledge that i exist you know and that's not everybody's dream you know your dream may be to stick your dick in jennifer lawrence or something i don't know if you love weird dreams it's not mine mine is to get verbally sucked up by brady snellis and i did but that one's off the bucket list is very validating you know because there was a sense it's called imposter syndrome right you know i've gotten a lot of like really good reviews i'd gotten people that like really people that i really looked up to people like johnny depp told me how much they like loved the book but i always thought that i was just a really good con artist i'm like all right well somehow i've like hypnotized this person into liking my book it's not really good but now you have somebody that i was trying to be like telling me that they understood and they got it and i i teared up you know you can't see it because it's only audio but i teared up when he was reading it you know it may sound corny to you but you know when you spend five [ __ ] years almost getting butt [ __ ] every time you take group shower and then at night your only comfort is to fantasize that sometimes these kind of dreams might come true it's an emotional moment it really was meant a lot to me podcast like two and a half hours long at the end of it brett it's like let's smoke a cigarette i'm like okay like this is the period where i i quit smoking remember i was vaping for a little bit so i like relapsed on smoking a cigarette i'm sitting there smoking a cigarette breath outside of his window of his [ __ ] condo high rise in west hollywood it's insane after he leaves todd comes back in todd is tweaked out of his mind he's like do you want to do blow i was like yeah britt's like sorry i gotta go do a dinner brad didn't even hear um todd say that this is like first brett had said hey i gotta go off um to dinner you know sorry ryan you know usually like he'd hang out with the guest after the podcast but this particular time he had like a prior obligation whatever so i end up hanging out with todd todd pulls out my favorite book that brett wrote it's called lunar park oh i gotta like just show you just so you like see pulls out this book right lunar park my favorite book that brett wrote and um he puts out lines of coco lunar park and i just doing blow with brett's boyfriend nothing went down nothing nothing sexual went up doing blow for like hours at brett's condo in his office like some of my favorite books have been written and if you've read any of his books it was like doing blow with the bretty snow's character like todd really is like a character that you'd find in one of his books you've seen the movie rules of attraction brett wrote that it's like doing coke with like one of those people you know so after that point right leave and um producers like yeah you did really great todd was like yeah you did really good like brett hates everybody he likes you all right cool todd and i i didn't get brett's contact information or anything but todd and i stay in touch about a week later todd calls me he's like so now i've relapsed on blow my haircut connection i don't know what had happened to him i think he got busted yeah he was like in jail because he got caught with a gun or some [ __ ] like that so i like couldn't get i like couldn't get coke in my area at the time i was living in this place called west covina which is like 20 minutes south of downtown la and it's like so far from like all the cool [ __ ] in l.a like people won't even like deliver like if i want coke i have to go to like hollywood or i have to go to like downtown la or um or like the san fernando valley whatever so i get a call from todd at like i don't know middle of night it's like midnight one morning he's like he's like yo because i i'm at the chateau marmont which is this insane it's like a like a room there's like 1200 1300 a night it might even be more than that i don't know he had like a bungalow this is where john belushi died the drug overdose he's like i have a room at this hotel do you want to come by right i never got like a like a gay him hitting on me like i'm not homophobic anyway you know if like somebody was like hey man can i lick your butt i'd be like yeah i'm into girls sorry unless i was on meth and i'd be like you know like your butt um but you know it's you know i'm just making a joke right now like just the fact that that's who he prefers to [ __ ] dudes instead of that doesn't matter just like you know someone calling anybody calling any friend saying hey do you want to come to this fancy hotel that i've never been to before like this place is so nar like only a-list celebrities stay there people that live in new york that come to la like rappers like when tupac or i mean when biggie used to come to l.a you stay there chateau marmont um this goes back to like john belushi used to stay there um janice joplin like jim morrison this place has like insane history in l.a and i've never been there and i've like not never had the money to stay there and i've never been invited there so i was on it i was like [ __ ] yeah i'm there so i end up going to the chateau marmont to hang out with todd he's out of his [ __ ] mind right like i get there they valet in my car i'm not gonna say who but i see a female celebrity in the um in the lobby checking in big name person like about as big as you could imagine um uh actress and um i go up in the elevator go into his room and there's just hundred dollar bills everywhere cocaine all over this [ __ ] place i have footage of this this will for sure go on the twenty dollar tier i i promised the twenty dollar tier i'd start posting like all the craziest footage i have this is something that i'm going to do right after this video he's singing on this [ __ ] keyboard he has like colored hair he's coked out of his mind there's 100 pills everywhere i forget what he told me but like somehow i think he'd like stolen money or i don't know how he had the [ __ ] money to stay at this place him and brett were fighting and he's just like smoking cigarettes in this room he's lighting drapes on fire i have some of this [ __ ] on film and i'm there just because i'm a [ __ ] drug addict and it was like under the pretense that he had a bunch of coke so i started snorting coke with him and we start talking you know about [ __ ] [ __ ] that you talk about when you're on coke it's like i'm gonna be a pop star i'm like i'm gonna have a documentary made about me like do another line you want to ask him a kiss nah let's just keep talking for now in the middle of the night it's like four in the morning this dude is out of his [ __ ] mind like he'll go from like laughing and then he'll start crying and then he'll light a hundred dollar bill on fire and be like who cares about this this material [ __ ] i felt like i was in like some [ __ ] weird direct to dvd sequel to fight club or something it was weird going on these weird like anti-capitalism rants and [ __ ] i was like what the [ __ ] the other night we run out of coke he's like um hey um can you go meet my dealer just go down on sunset you'll be down on sunset boulevard just he knows that you yeah he knows that i'm sending you so i was like yeah all right sure go down the lobby there's just this weird energy at this hotel it's not that fancy it's just like so legendary that's why it's so expensive and it's very private right like hunter s thompson would go there you know for months at a time finish books and [ __ ] um someday i hope i have enough money where i can go there for months at a time and write books that's that sounds cool i go down to the street and i forget what kind of car it was it was like uh um it was a nice car though it was like some crazy ass like lotus or some [ __ ] i'm like oh that doesn't look like a drug dealer there's like some [ __ ] 350 pound black guy driving it he's like utah's homeboy i was like yeah he's like you man he throws me but he throws me like i don't know like eight grams of coke and they're like in little gram bags i was like hey um can i get your phone number do you deliver to west covina he's like sure man gives me his phone number this day i don't know this guy's name um i looked at something up from like probably like a month ago um but i just have his name like this was like so now i have this is not just a drug dealer he's like connected to this like network of these black dudes that deliver coke there's a so there's like four or five different numbers in my phone and i would just name them todd one two to five todd one two three four five and these guys deliver coke at any time doesn't matter 9 30 in the morning four in the morning there's always somebody one of these guys would answer their phone and it was not good coke it was like whatever coke right kind of shitty coke but now i have like these crazy dealers that like would come to me whenever i want so i start hanging out with i go to todd a few more i go to the chateau marmont a few more times for the course of like the week and it just felt cool hanging out there just to be honest as lame as that sounds it just felt cool to hang out at such like an epic legendary spot and todd's paying for all the blow so i'm like not having to pay for it after that um i don't really remember what happened but i guess i just went on like a gnarly like where i'm snorting coke all the time run i don't know if todd and i had our falling out yet at one point he was like making like youtube videos talking about how he how much cocaine he's done with me i posted that on patreon at some point uh this guy's just out of his [ __ ] mind he's pretty entertaining and you know in a lot of ways i could tell that he had mental health issues so like i don't want to laugh at him too much because i've been there you know i've had a bunch of public breakdowns and he was like kind of like in the midst of one at some point we had a falling out i don't remember when it was but i start hooking up coke from these guys these black dudes every day every [ __ ] day i'm spending like 200 bucks on blow coked out of my mind all the time karina starts getting suspicious again you know it's whatever right it's like getting that point where she's like just about to intervene now at this time i'm working on the mickey avalon book he was part of a tagging crew called cbs can't be stopped we've talked about it before a lot of interesting famous people were part of that tagging crew in hollywood shifty lead singer crazy town remember come lady come come my lady feel my butterfly sugar baby that guy was in it luke wilson was in it mickey avalon was in it and this guy named risk rock was in it um a bunch of other guys too this guy named anger um mirrors one this guy named skate one just all these like really legendary graffiti artists and some of them like risk went on to be a millionaire he like designs the monster cam logo he's like did the m on the monster can logo like this guy is just straight baller so as i'm starting to interview more people for the mickey avalon book eventually i make my way to risk idea mickey didn't even hook me up with him mickey hooked me up with shifty the guy from crazytown that's how we became friends but risk i just reached out to myself because i was like oh well like he's probably the most successful out of all of the people that were part of the campy stop crew right out of all of them this guy like he like designs like art fixtures for like the super bowl and [ __ ] monster um whatever so i dm him i'm like hey i'm writing a book on mickey um cbs the tagging crew is like going to be a big part of what i'm writing about do you think i can get you on the phone or can i come over and can i interview he's like yeah come over on a thursday now you guys know this story um he said he was having this thing called happy hour i had no idea what he was talking about sinister had told me about it because sinister's kind of like in the contemporary street art scene he's like yeah there's this guy named risk there's always like crazy [ __ ] random people there see like bands like suicidal tendencies just like hanging out there you know like just random people like that and so i go to his instagram and sure enough that night suicidal tendencies was like playing a private show at his house i was like what the [ __ ] is this now i had heard that i think sinister's like somebody had told me that people are weird about risk he's like this kind of like mythical figure like gatsby or like um you know willy wonka or something like people that go over there like don't want to bring other people over there i had no idea why like you you know i was like what i don't even like when you hear someone out there like okay like i don't even know what that means so he gives me directions like you're gonna go to happy hour i'm wearing these shorts that i'm wearing right now suicidal tendencies shorts and i knew that suicidal was going to be there i'm leaving the house to go to this tapioca party and i'm going to interview brisk and there's like other members of this tagging crew that's going to be there trina is like wait one one goddamn second you're not wearing suicidal shorts when you're gonna go meet the band that's lame as [ __ ] here throw this attic shirt on it's another band i like kind of like an obscure 80s punk band so i put that shirt on instead wear different shorts and i go to this house it's in thousand oaks so that's in between la and santa barbara where i'm from thousand oaks isn't like really considered like a cool hit part of southern california it's kind of just i mean it's like what it sounds like thousand oaks there's like quakers like yo it up and quake so you don't expect to go to some like crazy [ __ ] mansion but i rolled to this address lamborghini's outside there's like all these super nice cars um ferraris and i was like what the [ __ ] like it was like going to a cake party when you're in high school but instead of like a bunch of minivans and volvo station wagons it's all like 100 000 and up cars i got my bmw somewhat before that it's like a 30 000 car is 2017 and i'm like proud of that car but my car did not fare to these cars i was like god damn like there's some wealthy people in there now i parked my car i walk up i don't even know what to do like i'm like do i knock on the front door there's like you know there's like some crazy like koi fish pond and [ __ ] like right in the front and then i just see like the side gate open and some guy walks by i was like hey excuse me i'm here to see risk it's like yeah come on in like all right so i go through the side gate and it's just this in i don't even know how to describe it's like going to playboy mansion or something you know there's like a huge swimming pool there's like all these crate what it is is it's two houses it's risk's house and then it's his agent's house brian lives right next door to him brian's like super wealthy like multi-multi-millionaire risk that multi multi-millionaire they bought houses side by side and they turned into one big compound and i'm just like looking around there's like i'm not going to say who but there's like famous people walking around i'm like what the [ __ ] is going on it's like oh my god i love that band yo like nobody's paying attention to me and i see risk now risk looks like a biker it's like this like big guy like this big like gray beard i was on a show on instagram i post on my youtube i think i post on patreon too nicest guy in the world it's like hey ryan he's like look i'm having the suicidal tendency guys on on my show tonight on it was going to be in like 30 minutes but mirror this other guy from the tagging crew is in the back why don't you go talk to him he's in like one of the they're like five six buildings where they're like mass producing art right so i go to i'm walking through this this place is so [ __ ] insane like there's like original um bank skis they're worth like [ __ ] 20 million dollars chilling on the wall like um original warhol paintings not lithographs [ __ ] paintings i'm like what the [ __ ] is going on here monster energy since he designed like the can everywhere there's monster energy refrigerators and there's famous people a lot of musicians right a lot of ufc fighters [ __ ] like that um and so i go back excuse me and i meet mir he's like one of my favorite graffiti artists of all time i've been into graph for a long time too so i know a lot about it i knew who these people were but i'd never met them and i'm like hey i'm writing a book called mickey about they said ah yeah cool man cool cool all right all right so what do you want to know i'm like well let's talk about cbs he's like all right let's talk about cbs he's like you mind if i roll up a blunt i'm like no go ahead i yeah he's like you smoke like of course it's smoke you think i'm some sort of punk he's like no no i said never think something like that so he rolled up his fat blood now i smoke bud right but i don't like to in social situations especially blunts blunts are [ __ ] gnarly especially like if you don't like i didn't smoke tough at that time i didn't know if i was i think i was a period where i was like pretty much completely sober except suboxones i may have even been off suboxone at that point i think i was i was off suboxone as soon as i smoke this blunt [ __ ] gets weird right i'm like uh i get all stuck he's like talking to me it's like telling me like all these crazy graffiti stories like yeah and then a guy jumped in front of a train that was the last time we ever saw him goddamn he's a good artist he takes a swig off a beer so everybody kind of like if somebody comes in the this like they're mass producing art they're like silk screening with the graphs it's crazy it's like literally being at willy wonka's [ __ ] chocolate factory but instead of candy they make art imagine that like playmates running around and like this famous actor and this [ __ ] ufc fighter that you just saw knock somebody out two weeks before on pay-per-view you're like what the [ __ ] rock stars that you've seen on like mtv your whole life that are just like why he was wild i was stoned as [ __ ] i was like oh it's so weird everyone's like all right it's happy hour time come on suicidal tendencies is gonna be on i'm so stoned i'm like scared right i'm like oh my god and i have to take a [ __ ] like the fear just like builds a [ __ ] up in my stomach it's like baking like a [ __ ] muffin i'm like um and i like walk across the compound and i like see these girls in bikinis i feel like i was in boogie nines i was like hey um do you know where the washroom is i like don't want to say bathroom because i don't want there to be like some [ __ ] connotation these girls are like they just like kind of smile and point inside so in the bathroom go take a [ __ ] [ __ ] clog the toilet i'm like [ __ ] i'm so stoned it's like a [ __ ] catastrophe right like oh my i'm that guy the whole party now it's turned into a full-blown party suicidal tendencies is there it's like one of my favorite bands of all time like oh my god i'm just tripping out i've clogged the toilet it's like that scene and dumb and number i'm like taking it apart i'm like trying like [ __ ] youtubing how to like fix a toilet without a plunger and eventually i'm just like [ __ ] you know what [ __ ] it i'm gonna leave it hopefully there's nobody waiting of course there's like some like brazilian model waiting i'm like [ __ ] i just walk out with my head down and like find some random monster hat like put it on as like a disguise i go over and suicidal is doing the happy hour thing this is this older like british dude this young asian girl they're like pointing at me they're laughing i'm so stoned i'm like oh my god they know about the [ __ ] the monster thing didn't work and um i like kind of turn i like turn the other way i'm like i'm like looking at the suicidal tendency people like all right i'm probably just tripping right look back they're pointing at me laughing they're for sure talking about me it's not just some weird [ __ ] where i'm in my head all stoned i'm like oh [ __ ] afterwards they come up to me after the happy hour show and he introduced himself to me as monkey the lead singer of the addicts i'm wearing the addict's t-shirt karina told me not to wear the suicidal tendency shirt because her shorts because that would be lame um and now i'm wearing the [ __ ] attic shirt and monkey the lead singer of the addicts another band that i like grew up loving i was like yeah that's me now the thing is is that band they wear makeup when they play kind of like kiss they dress up like clockwork orange guys so i never even knew what this guy looked like i just listened to him when i was like younger it's like the misfits i like the misfits like the addicts i like suicidal tendencies like black flag like [ __ ] i grew up listening to i really liked punk when i was younger i liked hip-hop um you know and i kind of like grew out of punk a little bit um but still these are still bands that like meant something to me right so now after that the weeds kind of wearing off and i meet this guy i'm not gonna say what his name is not his real name i'm gonna call him um andy so i meet this guy named andy and andy is like kind of like a preppy guy comes up to me very friendly very talkative it's like hey what's up i'm andy and we start talking and he like asks me what i do for a living and i'm like well a writer you know that's what i introduce myself as because that's like what i want to be i guess categorized as professionally i don't want to say youtuber because people like think of people like jake paul and [ __ ] but so i'm like yeah i'm a writer so as soon as i say that this guy andy's like just oh my no he's like oh my god what are you right he like googles me he's like oh it says here that you've written stuff of like yeah you know i have so this guy's like do you want a drink i'm like sure now i had been drinking for a long long time he makes me like this really stiff jack and coke so he's kind of hanging out with me and then suicidal tendencies goes in the living room and plays a private acoustic show well everybody from the parties just kind of like drinking and watching them play i'm like am i really stoned and now i'm buzzed off alcohol sitting at this like mansion listening to suicidal tendencies play like a private intimate show i'm the man now this guy andy comes up to me he's like hey bro do you do coke i was like yeah like now i have a buzz on say come on he brings me into this like old antique like arcade room that risk have this house is like this labyrinth of like cool [ __ ] he's got like just crazy ass [ __ ] everywhere crazy art just nutty [ __ ] right he has this old arcade room with like these like anti-pinball machines and [ __ ] and this guy andy starts making out lines he's like um all right well um i don't have that much left um do you want to buy a ball 200 bucks now when i was in high school i was getting balls for eighty dollars right then they go up to like 120 100 bucks 120.

[01:11:33]cocaine is super expensive right now in the coveter at least in southern california oh wait super expensive same in santa barbara same thing it's like 208 ball which is just disgustingly expensive right so it's like oh yeah so i like paypal and i end up getting a ball so now i'm like socializing at the party karina doesn't care because she knows that i'm like there like doing like business stuff we have a trusting relationship like you know she's not worried about me cheating on her it's more she's worried about me going off the rails on drugs but i was in a good place when i left that day i don't think she expected me to go relapse but you know now i'm doing blow and i end up meeting chester bennington's son draven bennington it's just a wild night i'm like what the [ __ ] i'm like now this is the singer of linkin park son who's like the sweetest kid in the world and i end up staying there like four in the morning just [ __ ] doing blow like pretty much until risk was like all right guys um yeah you guys got to go home now oh all right i like leave i'm like all coked out of my mind drunk too and it's like the kind of thing that once you get invited there once now i could go there any thursday he has these things every thursday he knew that i was friends with nick stahl and he wanted to do this like happy hour special with me nick stahl and eddie furlong like the terminator special so we'd start talking about that and i was working on mickey avalon books there was like reasons for me to like be going over there so now i'm starting to go over this place and you know i talked about it like i'd never really had a whole group of people socially except me at one time like i wasn't like necessarily in the cool crowd in high school it's like in the party scene but like not like the cool kids like who were letterman jackets and like had yachts yeah [ __ ] like that happened in santa barbara it's like an incredibly rich place to grow up and i wasn't part of that i was more a part of the yeah let's smoke [ __ ] oxycontin off tinfoil who cares [ __ ] it we use our parents money so i started going to this guy's house a lot now this guy andy instantly like is like my best friend right inviting me to all these really cool like super exclusive like red carpet parties and [ __ ] like i and my ego is like starting to blow up again it's right around and like from going there i meet somebody that works at vanity fair they want to do a piece on me so like like they want to do a photo shoot i'm like they have they're like hey we do with your shirt off i was not in good shape at the time so i was like showing you my penthouse or my like one print magazine now i've been in a couple but i'm really proud of the penthouse on you know that i'd bring it up way too much they're like oh yeah like be cool if we could get a spread of you shirtless like this can you get in shape like that in like a few months i was like yeah so i get on steroids so now i'm shooting testosterone human growth hormone uh and uh anavar which i'm taking sublingually but i'm injecting the testosterone and i'm injecting the um human growth hormone like in my stomach and this guy andy is a straight-up co-kid if you've seen die hard i'm sure a lot of you have you know in the beginning of die hard like the guy that's trying to [ __ ] bruce willis's wife he's the guy got a beard he's like really tacky and she's like he's like hitting on her he's like you know we'd go to my place get a bottle of champagne light the fireplace you know i'm talking some chestnuts or whatever he says and she's like it's christmas like don't you have a family like creep that's how andy was he was like the straight classic cokehead of the party right now i didn't realize this but he's one of those guys that needed me because i was like a bona fide addict i was such an addict that i was like willing to pay for coke right a lot of times in my life especially in recent years i don't have to pay for drugs but now i'm starting to have to do them all the time right like now i'm like now i have this cover oh i gotta go to risks compound i gotta go work on the book but what i'm really doing is i'm going to do coke now skye andy becomes this guy like i'm even trying to stop doing coke and he's like pushing it on me he's like one of those kind of people we're like i'll try to get off of it and he'll be like whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa man i think you should snort some more of this [ __ ] i'm like oh all right okay so my coke addiction just gets out of [ __ ] control at this point and when i go to santa barbara that's a place i really don't have to pay for drugs i'm friends with a lot of i've been in the drug world there for so long like i go there and like people just hook like if i want to go like do blow or something there's like 10 people i can hit up and like i'll just do blow all night heroin same thing whatever i want to do five minutes from my parents house is probably the biggest coke dealer that i know this guy is sells kilos and [ __ ] um i don't know too many people like that anymore but i know this guy and he's addicted to crack and fentanyl so during this period now i'm on steroids and now i'm doing coke every single day this guy andy my girl instantly doesn't like him preston doesn't like him preston and karina both have good intuition they're like i don't trust this [ __ ] dude he's after your money he was very two-faced you know um very good at acting like he wasn't a full-blown coke head but he was and he was just kind of like using me because i like kept the party going for him one of these times i go up to santa barbara and i go to hook up powder cocaine from my friend the guy that sells keys i'm like hey um you can hook up an april it doesn't even charge me just gives me a free ball right but when i go to his house he's smoking crack he's smoking fat i haven't done i know i did fentanyl um during the midwest so this is before the midwest true so i haven't even ever i i haven't done street fighting all yet i i haven't tried it yet but i used to have a really bad crack problem in our early 20s i've gone into that [ __ ] explicitly i go over to get the eight ball and he gives it to me in crack and he gives me a crack button he's like yeah here i thought you want a crack i was like oh yeah take a fat blast and now all of a sudden my addiction goes from being fairly innocent i mean snorting coke every day is not innocent to now i'm smoking crack every day as soon as he gave me that free eight ball i call him like that night i call him i need another one he's like well um i have to charge you for another one i mean he'll just be giving you like free balls all the time all right he's five minutes from my parents house so i start smoking crack all the time this guy andy comes up to santa barbara one day he's a professional photographer or that's like you know kind of like he's hanging out with all these like artists and writers and [ __ ] so he has to have something creative he does he's a photographer and he uh he comes up there to do some photography for the documentary of like you know where i stabbed skinhead um schools i went to [ __ ] like that while he's there i hook him up with my coke dealer because he wants to buy i think a quarter pound she wants to start slanging it so you can do it for free so now he becomes a coke dealer because i introduced him to so this coke dealer i know in santa barbara that gets the and the coke up there is just like at least the stuff this guy gets is ridiculous like he gets the he gets kilos so it's like it still has like the stamps from the cartels on and all that [ __ ] there's like the scorpion logos actually the the ones that you've been getting recently have like the olympic rings on them for some reason it's like covet edition cove it's like world unified over this virus so now it goes from me kind of just like going and parting to me being a full-blown crackhead this is before i go on the show with eddie furlong and nick stahl that's what we'll get into on the next um series uh i mean the next installment of the relapse series eventually i'm about to go on the midwest trip with lucas and all that um that's when it's gonna go and it's gonna split off into two different series the midwest and the relapse series but i'm telling you this [ __ ] gets [ __ ] wild like at this point now i'm just smoking crack i'm starting to act really weird and my dad even at one point was like hey are you smelling crack i was like no does it look like i'm smoking crack he's like yeah it does i love you guys try to do more content a little later i'm tired i had to take like four modium so i didn't puke during this um during this video um i need to take a nap but i'm going to upload this and it's a good hour 23 minute video just to kind of start off this is going to be the relapse prologue for all tiers i'll do one more of these i think leading up to the midwest trip and then it'll switch off it'll go to different tiers after that all right i love you guys for real calabra