My Wife and I Have Nothing in Common

Added: 2026-05-25

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[00:00:06]>> How do I navigate my marriage after becoming or getting sober and realizing that my wife and I don't really have any sort of friendship or um anything in common since I've become sober?

[00:00:18]>> How long have you been sober?

[00:00:19]>> I've been sober uh almost three years, >> dude. Congratulations, man.

[00:00:23]>> Thank you.

[00:00:24]>> That's awesome. So, how long have you been married? Uh, I've been married since 2020. So, we've been married uh almost six years.

[00:00:32]>> Okay. Um, is your wife sober, too?

[00:00:36]>> She is. Yes.

[00:00:37]>> Okay. Um, so tell me about we don't have anything in common. I get that we're not friends anymore, and that that happens a lot in marriages, especially when people are changing and growing and when life gets bananas. Do you all have kids?

[00:00:55]>> Uh, we have a uh 2-year-old son. Okay.

[00:00:58]So, um, very common like we become co-managers of our house and we're not friends anymore. But tell me about this fear you have that y'all have nothing in common.

[00:01:07]>> Just meaning values and interest of, you know, things that she likes to do versus things I like to do or things that I'm passionate about or things that she's passionate about.

[00:01:17]>> Okay.

[00:01:17]>> Just it it just seems as though um I know people are different and you're not going to share everything all the time.

[00:01:23]Mhm.

[00:01:23]>> Um, but it's like if I look back now, the person that I am now probably would have never been friends or even been involved in this relationship at all.

[00:01:32]And I feel like I'm kind of now living a life that somebody else created some these other decisions. And I'm just just we don't don't get along. It's not nothing uh no animosity or anything between us. We're just very disinterested in each other and our relationship is the way it kind of feels.

[00:01:50]>> Okay. Um, so a couple of things. Okay, first thing is, um, I have high hopes for your relationship.

[00:02:02]Everything you just said to me is is something I hear on a regular basis.

[00:02:06]Okay? So, I don't want you to think you're somehow broken or whatever. If you want out of this relationship, I want you to own that, >> right?

[00:02:15]>> Okay. What I don't want you to do is to sit here and to blame former you.

[00:02:23]I want you to own where you are now and say I get to choose what happens next.

[00:02:30]And I hope that she'll choose it with me.

[00:02:33]Okay. Um my wife and I have almost zero common interests when it comes to hobbies, things we're passionate about.

[00:02:40]Almost zero.

[00:02:43]What keeps us excited about getting to know each other regularly is I am passionate about how passionate she is about things, not about the things she's passionate about. You get what I'm saying?

[00:02:53]>> Sure.

[00:02:54]>> Yeah.

[00:02:54]>> And I've had to do the terrifying scary work of not trying to make her um carry all of the weight of passion and feelings and I'm into something so you need to be into something. You get what I'm saying? That also is me and I've had to really grieve.

[00:03:14]>> I would like nothing more than for my wife to be on the front row every time I'm speaking at a live event or doing a comedy show or something.

[00:03:21]>> That's not who she is. And it makes me sad. It really does. And she does show up to things that matter to me. She will. And but not on a regular basis.

[00:03:31]It's not her thing. But she's really excited about how excited I am about things. And that's a choice.

[00:03:36]>> Sure.

[00:03:36]>> You get what I'm saying?

[00:03:37]>> Yeah. And so what I don't want you to do is to start trying to retroactively live your life like I never would have made these that that's that's wasted energy on that's that's helps you avoid oh I get to create what happens next.

[00:03:52]>> So it's almost like a you know call it what it is. If you don't want it then just say that's what it is. Don't try to blame this other version of you would have done differently. It's like if you don't want it then don't. But that's the that's the decision. It's not the It's not possible because of you know what you used to or you should have done kind of thing.

[00:04:10]>> Correct. And and and I'll say this boldly. Both of y'all can sit at a table and say, "Let's choose friendship. Let's choose to like each other. Let's choose to see each other and to really get to re know each other cuz we're different people. We have a different marriage."

[00:04:28]And by the way, a lot of this, I'm guessing, comes from you have a 2-year-old in the house. Your whole marriage is different now. Your sex life is different. Your finances are different. What you all think is important is different. And so all friendships have a constantly evolving, oh, you're into this now, too. That's kind of cool. Or that's dumb, but we're still going to go get nachos together and hang out. It it's putting that level of intentionality on this. It's not being led around by feelings. Led around by feelings is what you got you in in your mess in the first place with with right not being sober. So, it is saying, "I'm going to intentionally go after this." Here's a weird question for you.

[00:05:05]When's the last time, singularly or overtime, that you intentionally did a thing or things for her?

[00:05:20]And I'm not talking about laundry. I'm not I'm I'm talking about she rolled over and her coffee just the way she likes it was sitting right there on her nightstand.

[00:05:31]>> Uh probably a year years.

[00:05:33]>> Okay. And to be fair, when's the last time the 2-year-old went down and she came down and gave you that look like she used to give you back before y'all had kids? And she was like, "Oh, probably." Yeah. Probably the same time.

[00:05:47]>> This is happening. Right. And so often these things get really big and existential. I've made a big mistake. I this marriage is over. Uh and really the path back becomes starts very small. I'm going to do things cuz this is my wife.

[00:06:03]I'm going to do things as the mother of my child. And I'm going to begin acting in ways so that I can show up in this marriage how I want to show up.

[00:06:12]>> And I'm going to be open and honest with her about what I want. and hopefully we can we can build this thing back and make it stronger, more awesome than it was.

[00:06:21]>> That makes sense.

[00:06:22]>> But but if you if you don't like her and you're choosing to not do the things that would allow you to be in love with her, um then own that, >> right?

[00:06:33]>> Does that make sense?

[00:06:35]>> Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. It's the Yeah. Don't want to make a decision blaming somebody else. It's my decision. I can make it work if I want to. If you don't, then don't. But don't try to blame somebody else for that. Well, and and let me say this. You can't make the marriage work by yourself.

[00:06:50]>> Sure. Sure. Yeah.

[00:06:51]>> But you can become the best version of you so that you can go inside this little exclusive club that y'all have created with a membership of two and be the best version of yourself and give that thing a shot.

[00:07:04]>> Yeah, that makes sense.

[00:07:06]>> Tell tell me what you want that you're not that that she's not showing up for you or places where she's not showing up.

[00:07:14]I would that's probably just the I guess the thing everybody wants just the appreciative of everything that you do the acting like they want to be or she wants to be your friend >> you know acting like the things that you do do matter or that you know just the the general nicities I guess of being appreciated I think.

[00:07:33]>> Yeah. Just basic basic kindness right?

[00:07:36]>> Yeah.

[00:07:36]>> Yeah. Um >> which to be fair I probably haven't been as kind you know to her. I think we we both probably do the same thing and it's that thing that you know one person isn't filled and it's hard to fill the other person and then you just kind of self-destruct on each other cuz neither one of you is getting what you either one of you feel like you need. So it's just kind of hard to figure out how do you get out of that when both of you feel empty.

[00:07:59]>> And the word you've used over and over and it's not a bad thing. It's just it's it's it's I want to call attention to it is feel feel.

[00:08:09]And what I want what I want more adults to do in our culture and in our homes and for each other is to feel something really big and then go do the next right thing.

[00:08:25]That's emotional regulation. I feel like hitting you and I'm not. I feel like you're not being um celebrating me as much as I want to be celebrated. I'm going to go make you a cup of coffee just for you.

[00:08:39]like I don't feel like you've noticed me a lot. I'm going to make sure I leave a note on your bed on your pillow before I leave for work so that you know that I notice how hard you're working. You get what I'm saying?

[00:08:50]>> Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

[00:08:51]>> Um where I've seen So, so let me say this. Consider this. The marriage y'all had is over. It's over. And that's not a bad thing. You'll hopefully if you do marriage right, you'll have 15 or 20 new marriages over the course of your lifetime.

[00:09:06]The question is, do y'all want to build a new one? And if you do, I I I'll think I've said this on the show. I've never I'll never forget this moment when I sat across from the table. My wife and I were deciding, "All right, we're calling it. We don't like each other. We're not friends." Um, and one of us said, I think it was her that said, "Well, we built a crappy marriage. I guess we could build an awesome one."

[00:09:31]>> Yeah.

[00:09:31]>> And then it was like, "Okay, what must be true?" And like you said, like I need you to say you're proud of me. I need you to say thank you. Well, I need you to show up here. I need you to put your stupid phone down. I need you just to be kind. Right? It's it becomes these very basic low-level human just interaction things that you and I both would give to strangers. We'd give to people in AA meetings. We'd give to the grocery store clerk, but for some reason, we stopped doing it for our spouse.

[00:09:56]>> So, would it be fair or a good decision then to to straight up have that conversation? Hey, listen. What we what we've had is dead, and we if we want something, we're going to have to start building something new. Is that a fair >> I wouldn't use I wouldn't use the word dead, but I I don't know another path forward than what you just said.

[00:10:15]>> Okay.

[00:10:16]>> Oh, I can walk you through how I've seen it be done done successfully both in my house and in countless other homes.

[00:10:24]>> Yeah. I mean, I think we're we're at that point where it's like we have to have that conversation of we have to do something now. Okay.

[00:10:31]>> Um, so I just what what what I want to but I want to make sure I handle it with grace and and care. I don't want to >> does she feel that urgency or is it building on your end?

[00:10:42]>> Just her her personality type is very lowkey and so I don't I don't know how much she feels. She's just kind of very go with the flow. So I I don't know if it's building to the same level.

[00:10:52]Probably not. It's probably a little bit stronger with me. I think somebody has to sit down, and you've heard me say this on the show, stop the music and turn the lights on. The dance has to stop.

[00:11:03]I'm not going to be nice to her because she's never nice to me. Well, I'm just going to keep going with the flow and being low-key because he criticizes everything I do and I don't do anything right enough for him. I'm trying to keep his kid alive and what? And you just get in that dance, right?

[00:11:14]>> Yeah.

[00:11:14]>> And so, somebody has to stop the dance and look at each other. And I'll put the onus on you because you called.

[00:11:22]>> Sure. like you're my wife and I love you and we have a 2-year-old now. I'm sober now. The marriage we had is over. It doesn't exist anymore. We're different people.

[00:11:36]And I miss you as my friend.

[00:11:39]And you're never going to be into the things I'm into. I'm never going to be into things you're into. And that's awesome.

[00:11:45]But I want us to be friends.

[00:11:48]What are three or four things I can do to love you well today? I don't know.

[00:11:52]Oh, I don't know. I'm going to start picking stuff.

[00:11:55]So, tell me, right? And I want to give you a few things that I want, things that you can love me well on. And you you may have heard me give this framework. It originally comes from Terry Real. I've expanded a little bit, but look at her and say, I've made up some stories about you. I've made up stories like you don't care. You don't see me. You don't celebrate me. You don't even know who I am anymore.

[00:12:18]I've made up stories that all you care about as a kid. All you care about is your hobbies or whatever. All you care about is your phone. And based on those stories I've made up about you, I feel small. I feel less than. I feel like you don't care about me. And when you say it like that, you're inviting her in to challenge those stories and say like, "Man, are these stories wrong? Are they right?

[00:12:43]What stories have you made up about me?"

[00:12:46]And when you start saying it that way, you see what I'm saying? Like that's different than like our marriage is our marriage is dead. You've been if that happens, we're we're at World War II, >> right?

[00:12:55]>> This is an invitation. And if y'all get to the end of that conversation, you realize and she says, "I I I'm I'm not interested in being married anymore."

[00:13:03]Then you all can have that conversation.

[00:13:06]But man, I've got high high hopes for you guys if y'all can sit down and say, "I'm going to be all in on this deal.

[00:13:13]Can you give me a path? I want to see you and I want to know you and I want to celebrate you and man, I want you to get to know me again and I want you to celebrate me again and we'll challenge each other when necessary.

[00:13:24]>> Yeah, that's incredibly helpful.

[00:13:25]>> Does that make sense?

[00:13:26]>> Yeah, it does. Yeah. Yeah, for sure.

[00:13:29]>> Um, this is a this is a big existential question. Do you want to be married?

[00:13:35]>> I think so.

[00:13:36]>> Okay, that's okay. That's okay. It's not a bad It's not a bad answer. It's an honest answer and I honor that. It's good.

[00:13:46]What scares you about having this conversation?

[00:13:51]>> Uh, I think we've done some counseling together before and I don't know if she'll be able to communicate what she's hearing or feeling. I mean, just like any couple, you know, it's always communication is always the most important part.

[00:14:06]>> Um, but I think maybe sometimes I overcommunicate and I don't get any feedback. And so my I guess my fear would be I'm just not going to get the honest the honesty or the the feedback on it or it'll just be a a one-sided conversation with tears and she just shakes her head and just agrees with whatever I say without giving any feedback or push back or anything and then it's just kind of feels like well I just put everything out there and you can't you can't respond to anything. Um, >> so yeah, >> if you and I are being totally honest, I mean, if you're being totally honest with me, um, are you someone who receives feedback well from her?

[00:14:46]>> I think so. Yeah.

[00:14:47]>> Okay. Are you are you a safe place for her to respond to is what is the the the big question?

[00:14:54]>> I hope to be and if I'm not, I would I would like to know that, but as far as I know, I am. So, I think a beautiful place for you to start is with what you just said about your fears, but own own that fear. I think I overexlain things and I talk a lot and I sound all articulate and I think I come over you like like a wave in the ocean and I'm sorry.

[00:15:20]I'm going to I I just want to listen. I miss my friend and I can't keep going in our marriage like this. I don't think you want to keep going our marriage like this.

[00:15:31]And so I want to reset the dynamic. And if if she looks at you and says, "Today is not a good day." Like that's a lot of information to take in. I need 24 hours.

[00:15:38]That's how my wife responds, by the way.

[00:15:40]Like when I sit down with something big, I now know she just takes 24 or 48 hours to to circle back.

[00:15:47]>> Sure. Which is fair cuz this has been on my mind for who knows how long and I've had this conversation that just she's going to feel blindsided. I understand.

[00:15:54]>> Sure. And and the more you can use eye statements, the better, >> right?

[00:16:01]>> I've brought this. I think I'm this way.

[00:16:03]The story I made up about myself is that I'm a lot. And the story I've made up about you is you're just you're you don't want to respond to these things or you can't respond to these things. Take a day, take two days, write them down and send me the letter or read me the letter.

[00:16:20]Um, and so being able to communicate to her in in a language she can hear and absorb and then give back to you. Man, what a blessing that is. I'm I'm I want to tell you I'm proud of you for making the call.

[00:16:32]>> Thank you, man. Thank you for taking my call. It's been incredibly helpful. I really appreciate it.

[00:16:35]>> And you're not not not crazy. Okay.

[00:16:38]>> All right. Appreciate it, sir.

[00:16:40]>> Cool. All right, brother. Let me know how the conversation goes.

[00:16:42]>> All right. We'll do, sir.

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