Every Parent of a Teenage Boy Should Hear This.

Added: 2026-05-19

[00:00:07][music] [music] [music] >> So, for people who didn't know Johannes, >> [music] >> he was there was two levels to Johannes, you know, there was the the level that everybody saw, which was big strong guy, good [music] footballer, that sort of overt personality and person that you saw.

[00:00:57]For people that knew him really well, you know, his family and his close friends, um, he was much more sensitive than what you would see on the surface.

[00:01:06]Um, much he was a great champion of the underdog, you know, he he always looked after people who were smaller or weaker or struggling in some way, you know, that was he was very aware of those sort of people in his orbit.

[00:01:20]Um, he was a good listener, um, and then he had other talents, too, like he was a he was a great writer, very good at visual arts, you know, that sort of creative side of him. So, there was all of that level that you just didn't see, um, on the surface when all you saw was that big strong guy who was a good footy player. I miss a lot of things about him. I I miss sharing you know, I I miss sharing footy season.

[00:01:46]You know, footy season was something that we spent a lot of time on together over many years, and it was just always a really fun time of year.

[00:01:55]Um, so, I miss that because it was just a real connection that he and I had um that we shared and it was it was great time that we spent. It was always good quality time.

[00:02:06]Um but also miss just his his [music] lightness and sense of humor. You know, he was always he could be a bit serious and and there was a lot of jokes in with his friend group and stuff about trying to get him to smile and make him laugh and that sort of stuff cuz he could be a pretty serious cat, but um I miss I miss his sense of humor. I miss having a coffee [music] with him and and having a quiet laugh about a few things cuz he was pretty funny when he wanted to be.

[00:02:30]Grief for me as a father the early part was just pure shock. For 3 or 4 weeks it was just absolute shock and numbness.

[00:02:41]I really didn't feel much. And I I had somebody at Johannes's wake say, "I'm worried about you cuz you look too good."

[00:02:49]And that was true. I was just on autopilot. I was just doing what I knew how to do and not feeling any emotion really.

[00:02:57]Um after that period after that first month then and the feeling started to creep in.

[00:03:03]And it was just disbelief mixed with this incredible load to carry, you know, just thinking about if I live till I'm 80, 85 or whatever, how do I possibly carry this for another 30 years? It just seemed impossibly heavy.

[00:03:21]Um over time it's lightened up a little bit.

[00:03:24]But yeah, it's a it's it's just a huge [music] hole, huge sense of loss cuz he was such a big person for everybody in in the family, you know. I started talking about it online because when he died and when I started searching for answers myself I was immediately struck by how little I knew as a parent. I just knew [music] nothing. I knew nothing about the risk factors.

[00:03:51]I knew very little about what to look for.

[00:03:56]Uh you know, and when I when I look at Johannes now and I look back at [music] the last 6 or 12 months of his life, there were signs there, but I just didn't know what they were, so I didn't know what to look for. So, I was really shocked by that, and I wanted other parents to know. Terrified me that that idea that there were other parents out there sitting on the same sort of ticking time bomb that we were without realizing what to look for. I think boys and young men are carrying a huge load of unexpressed >> [music] >> emotions and feelings.

[00:04:31]And the challenge I'm I'm certain is >> [music] >> how do we connect with them well enough that they feel safe [music] to express those things and unload them.

[00:04:43]And I think that's really what it is.

[00:04:45]It's a It's a process of unloading. How do we >> [music] >> How do we create an environment that's safe enough, secure enough, give them enough space, so they feel that they can unload that stuff? And I think my shortcoming as a parent, and [music] I think a lot of us, well-meaning, you know, the best of intentions, we tend to give advice and [music] ask questions and push boys towards things that we think they need to do without giving them the space to unload those unexpressed emotions that they've got. I think that two-layer conversation as I described it is really important.

[00:05:23]Yeah, two two [music] stages maybe is a better way of putting it. You have that first stage where you talk about all the surface stuff, what's going on, how's school, how's footy, yeah, this, that.

[00:05:32]And then, [music] inevitably when I look back on it, and when I talk to my kids now, I know that there's that point where you get to the end of that, and that's where you typically go, "Oh, well, okay, off to the next thing."

[00:05:44]But I think that's the time when you need to sit and wait for what's coming because what's coming [music] is the next level of depth.

[00:05:50]And I think it's really important as parents that we learn to look for that and wait for it and sit with it. I think not only for teenage boys >> [music] >> but for men generally, there are two reasons that we don't share and one is pride and the other is shame.

[00:06:03]And [music] we're we're too proud to show that weakness and that vulnerability and we've been taught over many years that that's you know, that weakness and vulnerability are not something that we show.

[00:06:16]And we're also carrying some level of shame that we're not good enough, that we're not able enough, that we're not you know, not the person that we want to be.

[00:06:25]And if we just hold it inside, then that that pride can stay intact [music] and that shame can stay hidden.

[00:06:34]And it's a really hard thing to overcome, to be able to say, "Okay, I'm going to I'm going to let go of that pride and I'm going to show off my shame to people or I'm going to show my shame to people."

[00:06:44]And show my vulnerability. It's a very hard thing to do.

[00:06:48]I'm not sure if people I'm not sure if people see silence as a form of strength.

[00:06:57]I think we just overlook people who are silent.

[00:07:01]So, we wait for some sort of big sign or obvious impending catastrophe and when that doesn't come, we just go, "Oh, well, they must be okay."

[00:07:14]And I always thought that with Johannes. I thought I knew that he'd had some difficulties along the way at various [music] points.

[00:07:23]But I just thought if at some point, if it really becomes critical, I'll see something. You know, I'll see some sign. He'll >> [music] >> He'll break down or he'll come to me and say, "I'm really struggling." or something.

[00:07:37]But it didn't happen.

[00:07:39]And so, I think we overlook that silence. There's quite a lot of moments I look back on where I feel like I should have picked up on something.

[00:07:49]One in particular we were at Mosman and we'd arrived at a friend's place and he had his hat in his lap in the car with his wallet and AirPods and other things in it.

[00:08:03]And when he got out, he had to get a bag out of the back and so he put the hat on the bonnet of the car or something like that and then forgot about it and we went inside.

[00:08:11]>> [music] >> And then he remembered about 20 minutes later and he raced out and it was gone.

[00:08:15]Somebody had stolen his wallet, his phone, his AirPods, everything.

[00:08:19]And when he he just reacted to that his reaction was just pure anguish [music] and it was this sort of a reaction like life had >> [snorts] >> life just continued to serve him up bad stuff.

[00:08:37]And I remember thinking at the time it felt like a real overreaction.

[00:08:42]And what I realized later on when I looked at it was it wasn't anger, it was anguish.

[00:08:48]And anguish is this deep pain, you know, this existential pain and >> [music] >> had I looked more carefully at that and not been wrapped up in my own other stuff, I probably would have looked at it and thought, "Wow, this kid's not okay."

[00:09:01]Because it was just a a reaction that wasn't consistent with the circumstance.

[00:09:06]You know, I think in in schoolboy sport and elite sport where boys are involved, boys and young men, they they feel pressure of expectation.

[00:09:16]And when I look at us as a family, you know, we were very invested in Johannes's success and we spent a lot of time going and watching games and I tried to never miss a game.

[00:09:27]>> [snorts] >> And that all of that came with really good intent. You know, we all meant well and we all wanted to support him and we wanted him to do well and he could feel that we wanted him to do well, but [music] I think that that weight of expectation probably really weighed him down over time. If I had my time again, I'd probably I'd probably just change things a little bit. I'd I might give him a few games a year where nobody went to watch, where it could just be free to [music] fail or free to not play that well and not immediately feel like oh, there's a whole lot of my family in the stands watching me wanting me to succeed and I'm failing.

[00:10:04]And I think that expectation and that investment [music] that we put into boys at that age, I don't know if it's always helpful for them.

[00:10:14]Yeah, I think it's something we want to do cuz we want to see that [music] we're supportive and we give them advice and all those sort of things, but I don't think it's necessarily helpful for them.

[00:10:22]Yeah, the signs [music] that coaches and friends and people should be looking for, they're they're hard ones. It's hard to pick up.

[00:10:29]>> [gasps] >> I think the most obvious one is some level of fatigue because dealing with anxiety, dealing [music] with pressure, dealing with expectation, it's tiring.

[00:10:43]And the first thing that you see in boys like that is they feel exhausted in some way. They look tired.

[00:10:51]And if I look at Johannes, you know, there [music] was times there at the end where I thought yeah, he looks tired. He looks I remember my dad saying, you know, the very last weekend before he died, [music] he came to Orange and he called in at my dad's place and I was there and we had lunch. And when he [music] left and went into town, um dad said, "Geez, he looks really tired.

[00:11:11]>> [music] >> You know, he looks he looks exhausted."

[00:11:14]And I knew he'd had some trouble sleeping and that sort of thing, so I didn't really give it much thought, [music] but when I look back again, you know, there were times where he was just tired [music] and rehabbing from injury, dealing with expectation, all of that stuff that goes with being elite athlete, um it takes a lot of energy and I think so the first sign that you should be looking for is not not physical tiredness, but that deep emotional tiredness, that fatigue. Yeah, for parents who say, "My son looks fine. I think he's okay." I'd say he probably is.

[00:11:44]>> [music] >> Most of them are.

[00:11:47]A fair percentage of them aren't.

[00:11:49]And what I would say there is listen to your intuition.

[00:11:55]Because if I look back, I hoped that Johannes would be okay.

[00:12:00]You know, I knew he'd had some hard times, but I hoped he'd be okay.

[00:12:03]Hope wasn't really a strategy. It was just a hope.

[00:12:07]But, if I look at my intuition, if I listen to my intuition, and look at those [music] little signs that I sort of picked up along the way, I knew that there was something not quite [music] right.

[00:12:20]And so, I'd say to parents, listen to that. And if you hear that intuition >> [music] >> gnawing away at you, listen to it, take notice of it, and do something. To teenage boys who are struggling, I'd say a couple of things. One, I would say, this too shall [music] pass.

[00:12:37]You know, as a as a boy when you're young and you haven't been through a lot of things in life, some stuff looks really huge.

[00:12:44]When you get to 30, 40, 50 years old, you've been through a lot, and you realize that there's very little that can damage you long-term. You know, you're much more resilient than you think.

[00:12:56]And things pass, and things pass quickly.

[00:12:59]>> [music] >> So, whatever you're dealing with at the moment, it feels huge to you, but it will pass, and it will pass quickly. And [music] people want to help you.

[00:13:09]Um, the other thing I would say, you're much more important to many [music] more people than you think. You know, I know when Johannes died, I don't know how many people he thought he was important to.

[00:13:20]Maybe he thought he had 10 or 15 good mates, and maybe he thought he had his family, and that was about it.

[00:13:25]And, you know, his funeral probably had a thousand people at it and another couple of hundred at a memorial service in Orange. And that's how important he was to so many people. And [music] you know, I still talk to mates of his, probably [music] 50 guys on, you know, that that contact me every now and again that that say that [music] it's been a real struggle for them and and a huge loss.

[00:13:51]And that's the same for most boys and I think they're not you know, I'd say to teenage boys, you are much more important to many more people than you think you are. [music] And that's why we want you to stay here.

[00:14:02]My role as a dad, certainly, I've had to re-examine it.

[00:14:07]Um I've had to re-examine how I am as a dad because I think in hindsight I probably was really heavily invested in in my kids' success rather than their contentment. And I think those things are really different.

[00:14:23]I expected that if they were successful, they'd be content. And Johannes was successful and was not at all content.

[00:14:30]So, I've had to re-examine that.

[00:14:32]But I've also had to re-examine how I am with um um AJ and Abby, my son and my daughter, who are still here with how I remember Johannes, who's gone, and [music] try to balance those two things because I think it's really important to remember Johannes, but it's also really important to be the best dad I can be for the ones that are left, you know, and that's that's a bit of a constant balance and a constant struggle.

[00:15:00]I've thought a lot about what I want Johannes's legacy to be and he was, as I said, he was a great champion of the underdog and people who are struggling. And I think that was probably in large part because he was struggling himself.

[00:15:15]And I would like his legacy to be that his story, his experience, [music] his place in the world is remembered in a way that it helps other people, that that other kids like him, that other boys like him, who are struggling, look at his story and say, "Well, I can talk to people. People want to help me.

[00:15:39]You know, if I've got a a challenge or a struggle in my life, that there's people who want to help me and that I can have that conversation with." You know, I'd like his legacy to be one that um he becomes a a catalyst for people being helped who are struggling.

[00:15:54]There's probably not one conversation that I want parents to have with their kids more the way that I'd hope that they have that conversation. And I think there's one real question that you want to ask your kids, or or a statement [music] more so, which is, "Tell me about it."

[00:16:11]And I'd hope that parents just say, "Hey, tell me about it. Tell me what's happening for you." And then [music] shut up. You know, um I think as parents we spend far too much time trying to get information into our kids, you know, advice, [music] do this, do that, try this.

[00:16:26]And the best thing we can do is sit with them and let them get that information out. You know, as I said before, what are boys struggling with? They're struggling with a load of unexpressed emotions and feelings. And our job is to give them safety, space, [music] security, where they feel like they can unload that stuff. And if they get that load off [music] their chest, if they unload that stuff, and they do it with you as a parent, that's success. I think schools and sporting clubs are doing a lot to ensure the mental health of of boys and young men in their orbit.

[00:16:59]But I think a lot of it is around awareness. [music] You know, are we aware that people have mental health issues? Are we aware that certain person might be struggling?

[00:17:08][music] And there's a lot of that awareness. I think where we where we're lacking is in the courage to have specific [music] conversations.

[00:17:16]And one of those questions is are things so bad that you've thought about suicide? [music] That's a really direct question. That's a really direct question. It's a hard question to ask, but it's a really necessary one because it's the [music] difference between how you going, you know, you okay?

[00:17:35]Oh, yeah, I'm fine versus are things so bad that you've thought about suicide?

[00:17:39][music] Yeah, actually they are that bad.

[00:17:43]That's a different whole different level. And I think [music] that's the courage and directness that we have to embrace and start talking about at that level because we're all aware. Something that you Hannus and I used to joke about a little bit in [music] a in a sort of private way was when people talk about death, they often talk about they they sugarcoat it. You know, we tend >> [music] >> we talk about death or somebody passed on or they passed away or they ascended to the next [music] realm or you know, we we find every way we can to not say the word died or something like that. And so [music] Hannus and I used to have that joke, you know, if somebody died, we used to say, "Oh, so-and-so died." You know, and and after he'd died, [music] it started to actually be a really important thing for me to use the word because >> [music] >> there's nothing else that conveys the reality of what happened to him like the [music] words died by suicide.

[00:18:47]You know, he took his own life. That's a bit [snorts] softer.

[00:18:50]He died and he died [music] by suicide.

[00:18:53]And I think we need to start talking about it in those plain terms and it's [music] uncomfortable to do that, but it needs to be uncomfortable because unless we're uncomfortable, we're not going to change [music] it.

[00:19:04]So, I think that's the language that we use around suicide and death is really important.

[00:19:29]Mhm.