STOP LYING! YOU'RE ANGRY & PRETENDING IS COSTING YOU RELATIONSHIPS | JAY BARNETT + HARDLY INTIATED

Added: 2026-05-25

[00:00:00]uh, to overly sort of provide a lot of clinical jargon, but it's just being honest.

[00:00:07]Sitting down and sometimes you got to write it down.

[00:00:10]You know, like I remember in therapy and the first thing that I started to write down was just like, man, um, I didn't hate my dad, but I had to write down that I was angry and mad at him.

[00:00:24]And then the next part of that was what did that anger cause me to believe about myself?

[00:00:30]And I felt my dad divorcing my mom at the height of, you know, his pastoral career, and then remarrying the usher who who sat behind my mom. Oof.

[00:00:44]Who had three kids.

[00:00:46]So, me and my sister, much of our lives was trying to find answers.

[00:00:53]Like, how do you leave this, go here, and be everything to them, to these kids?

[00:01:00]And at 31, I had to be honest that, man, it made me mad as hell.

[00:01:07]And not just be like, oh, I'm good because he's a pastor. Like, no, I'm mad at this [ __ ] Because I watch you preach Sunday after Sunday and this is what you did to my mom. Like, that's the type of honesty and that you got to have with yourself.

[00:01:18]Because I didn't want to talk to my dad.

[00:01:21]And then here's the other part. I go deeper.

[00:01:25]I didn't want to even go deeper because maybe I'll do a part two after this and you can ask for a part two after this.

[00:01:29]I do with this thing I do with I do with this with clients all the time, right?

[00:01:32]And I tell them silent anger is one of the biggest things that causes many people an issue. Whether you're anxious, whether you're an avoidant, it's irrespective. A lot of us have silent anger. It is anger that we have not processed and we've put into a corner because we do not have a good relationship anger. I remember when I came back, um, with God and and one of the first things he showed me was Psalms 37:8. I promise I ain't going to preach. Okay, I can't promise that. Uh, state 7:8, which says about um being careful of your anger, basically, right? Do not fret with your anger. And I was like, "God, I'm not an angry person." And that's when I had to start going down a process like, "I'm not an angry person." But I started looking at my life. I was like, "Wait. Okay, I'm not an angry person in terms of like I get explosive with people, but I you know, unless you trip my wire. When you trip my wire, I'm gone."

[00:02:19]But there's levels to that, you know?

[00:02:20]So, I started recognizing, "No, I've got sudden anger."

[00:02:22]Okay? And And sudden anger shows up in a way Let me give you an example of this.

[00:02:26]I used to do um acting. I still do some act- some act there.

[00:02:29]And I played Scrooge when I was in um secondary school. And the the drama teacher asked me, "Get angry."

[00:02:35]And I said, "I I'm trying to, but I can't I don't know how to do anger."

[00:02:38]"You know how to be angry." I said, "I don't know how to be angry." I struggled to be angry. Why? Because the way I observed anger in my household, it was not pretty.

[00:02:48]Not pretty. It was not pretty. And so, for me personally, I don't have a good relationship with anger. Therefore, I push anger aside. Whenever I feel it, I push it aside because it feels like I can't control anger. But what does the Bible say? It says, "Be angry, sin not."

[00:03:01]Meaning you have authority over your emotions. Your emotions don't dictate to you. They tell you a message. What does anger tell you? Anger tells you two things. Either you've been violated, or you're frustrated because you can't meet a goal. What is the frustration here?

[00:03:15]The frustration of him here is that the the um he feels violated by the fact that you've instructed me as a man, told me to behave in this way, and you are doing the complete opposite. This is hypocrisy. I feel let down. I feel disappointed. I feel hurt. I feel frustrated. I feel angry. I feel I feel a form of like I've been I've been gaslit almost in a sense, right? All this preaching you're doing about God, and you're going to do this? Right? He's frustrated. He's angry. And those are real feelings. But then you squash it away because if you've not been taught how to handle your emotions very well in a secure manner. What you've learned to do is that we don't honor our emotions.

[00:03:52]This can then birth other behaviors that we actually don't want.

[00:03:58]This then births behaviors with people romantically, family, friends that we don't want because now when people do things that hurt you, instead of saying and holding your boundaries, you may go "You know what? I'll let it go the first time." And now you're on your fourth time and they're still doing it. So, what do you do on the fourth time? You got two choices. There are different types of avoidance here. So, what do they do? One decides I'm going to fight.

[00:04:22]Fearful avoidance because they have both an anxious and an avoidant perspective.

[00:04:26]They're going to fight. That's the anxiousness, protesting. How dare you treat me like this? Okay, I'm going to show you something, right? I'm going to mirror you. I'm going to I'm going to cuss you out or you know what? I'm going to be hot and cold, whatever it is. Then you got dismissive avoidance who often went for emotional neglect as a child as a child. What you're going to find is their anger doesn't produce necessarily them shouting. What What they produce is what I call emotional distance. They ghost you. They stonewall you and they shut down. And all of a sudden, all businesses has come to a close, right?

[00:04:55]That's the anger that they're carrying and they don't know how to deal with it, so they learn to shut it down. This is emotional regulation 101. When you're unable to process information, it causes a shutdown. When you're unable to understand your emotions, it causes confusion and paralysis. When you cannot express yourself, this causes frustration and anger and for you to violently protest. That violent protest can be in two formats. Explosive and implosive. Explosive is frowned upon in society. If I punch something, a wall, a person, I throw a glass, this can be classified as absolute violence and is not in alignment with society and how we say we should behave as a human being.

[00:05:35]So, most of us conform. We recognize that we can't do that. We're not going to break the law. We're not going to do anything that's going to harm somebody else. So, what do we do? We self-harm.

[00:05:44]And I'm not I'm about physically. I'm talking about emotionally. We self-harm because now we're going to explode we're going to implode within. And that implosion now see now shows up to you as numbness.

[00:05:56]It now shows up as nonchalance. It now shows up as I don't really care about you tough. But you're not being truthful. It shows up as what? Delayed reactions. Oh, some of you you know when something happens in your life and someone does something to you and you're wondering why is it that 3 days later I'm now getting pissed off?

[00:06:13]Cuz you don't feel safe enough to exhibit anger in that person's presence because you've not had a good relationship with anger. So now you're saying to your body knows we don't respond immediately right here. It's too dangerous. It's not emotionally safe. So what you do? You wait till you get to where? Your home. Now you thought about it for the next 3 days. Who the freak do they think they are?

[00:06:33]No no no no no. Who they think they are?

[00:06:35]But it's been 3 days now. So some of you you're going to some of you are going to do one or two things. You're either going to call your friend or call that person up and you're going to cuss them down the phone.

[00:06:44]Right? Or you're going to another one is going to say, "You know what?

[00:06:47]Should I call them?"

[00:06:49]I can't be bothered. It's gone to it's been 3 days man. That looks That looks weak. Right? You're afraid of emotional vulnerability and being exposed and being embarrassed. So now you say to yourself, "No, I won't do that. I'll just leave it alone again." And what happens more? You're further telling your body you're not allowed a reaction when you're in the presence of people.

[00:07:06]So we're going to keep on delaying it.

[00:07:07]The more you delay a reaction and do not fight for yourself, the more you're telling your body that we shouldn't do anything about this.

[00:07:15]Which causes which causes further delay.

[00:07:17]Okay? So the moment you the moment you decide actually it has been you know what? It's been a year.

[00:07:21]But you know what? I can still call that person now and tell them I don't like what they did to me.

[00:07:25]Cuz if you don't what's going to happen is you're going to emotionally slide.

[00:07:28]You're going to emotionally distance yourself.

[00:07:30]And then ask you what happened? I don't really talk to that person no more.

[00:07:33]What? You guys have a conversation? I don't really talk to that person no more.

[00:07:36]So his anger for his dad is a real thing. Many of us have anger for dad. I have anger for my dad. Yeah. I I like the way they I don't like the hypocrisy blood.

[00:07:43]You know what I'm saying? You know what I'm saying? I don't like that hypocrisy.

[00:07:44]So, that causes frustration. So, I had to go through this process where I had to start learning and I started realizing, "Wow, it's a pattern. I'm going to learn these behaviors." So, when I'm in relationships, I don't scream and shout. I'm not a screamer and shouter. No, no, no. But, when you piss me off, I'm telling you right now, you're going to get some You're going to get some condescending, intellectualizing, uh uh breakdown of how I feel towards you. I'm going to make you look stupid.

[00:08:08]This is still anger.

[00:08:10]This is still anger.

[00:08:12]You Just because you're not screaming and shouting, just because I'm not standing over you, just cuz I don't hit you, just because I don't scream, just because I'm not being violent, abusively physically, does not mean that anger is not present. It is very much present.

[00:08:25]And every time you silence that voice, it gets louder. The saxophones get louder and louder when anybody gets near that room that you shut anger off in.

[00:08:33]Anger needs some room.

[00:08:35]It needs some space. And if you haven't heard anything I've said today, the final thing you need to hear is this: Anger gives you the ability to confront the thing at the back to tell it to come to the front cuz I need to confront you.

[00:08:50]That's the job of anger.

[00:08:52]Right?

[00:08:54]But, listen. I I I I'll do a part two where he breaks it down deeper, but I want you to understand this. Listen, if you need any coaching, by all means reach out to me.

[00:09:01]We have some spaces still left. But, we've got an ebook coming out too as well, right? We'll talk about attachment styles where we break things down. Um and of course, I want to do a series of ebooks because I want to be able to break it in greater depth and give you more information. I can't do that in one whole ebook. It'd be a very long book.

[00:09:15]But, yeah. Make sure you guys like, share, subscribe. Click on that wonderful bell button for notification of uploads. We appreciate you.