how i felt growing up with undiagnosed autism and adhd (sad rant)

Added: 2026-05-13

[00:00:00]Hey guys.

[00:00:03]More of a serious video because this has been something I wanted to talk about for a very long time and I don't really know if anything that I'll say will make sense or my points will come across but like even if it helps one person then that is truly all I care about um but bro growing up with undiagnosed ADHD and autism is like the most awful feeling in the world and like even now being diagnosed I can't stand it and it doesn't mean that like having these things is a bad thing it's just the way that I feel and the way that I've grown up around it I guess it's just very hard you know but it's like I felt out of place my whole life and I kind of accepted that I'm always going to feel out of place but it's like I want to get to a point where I feel in place at some point but I still don't know where that is and I don't know if it's like going to be a feeling that I'm going to have forever because I have ADHD and autism and it's like at school I never really had a lot of friends um because the things I'd say and do were weird like people just didn't get that and that's fine you know um but it just always felt like no one ever wanted to be around me and I'd try I'd try and copy other people and who were considered cool and I'd try talk and act like them and then I'd still get looked at as weird and it's I don't know like I feel like I've spent my whole life trying to fit into somewhere but I still don't know where that is once I got into secondary school, ooh, um I had very bad social skills. I still do have very bad social skills, but it was a lot worse at school, and I'd be in friendship groups with people, and they'd be making fun of me without me even realizing it, and like I just think it was a joke or whatever, but they're just basically picking me apart right in front of my face, and I just have to act like it's all fine. I don't remember a point where like I haven't been anxious in classrooms. I've always been extremely anxious in in a classroom, even in primary school. Any Like my whole life I've been very anxious in a classroom because I've always compared myself to other people.

[00:02:43]Um it just always feels like whatever I'm doing is not enough.

[00:02:48]I don't know That's not I don't think that's ADHD mostly. I think that is just me.

[00:02:53]Um but I'm always comparing myself to people.

[00:02:59]Um and it's like I don't know. And then when I got to like year eight, it kind of hit me more that there was something different about me.

[00:03:15]But I just honestly thought I was going insane. Like I did not know what was wrong with me, and I was dealing with all these big emotions that I was like 12 when I started home, like so far, man. Um and that took a big toll on my life for like uh for like 5 years, which was pretty tough.

[00:03:44]Um and then in year nine, I got to a point where I started skipping all my lessons.

[00:03:53]Um I could not stand to be in a room with anybody.

[00:04:00]Like just the feeling like in a room full of people, I just feel like a alien. Like I just everywhere I am, I feel like I'm not meant to be there. Anyone who I'm talking to, I feel like I'm playing pretend.

[00:04:14]Like it's really hard to even put into words this feeling because I just feel like no matter what I say, it could never really like explain how this truly affects my life day-to-day.

[00:04:31]Um and I'm about 14 at this point and it was a very dark time in my life.

[00:04:42]I stopped leaving my room. I stopped talking to people.

[00:04:46]Um and I over thought all of my friendships to the point where I would just ignore people because I was just like I thought everyone was pretend Anyone who maybe likes me, I thought they were pretending because they felt bad.

[00:05:00]Um so I just kind of shut everybody out. Um which was definitely good for my mental health.

[00:05:10]I think end of 2022, I must have been diagnosed with I last when I got diagnosed.

[00:05:17]And it kind of made sense, but at the same time it kind of felt like nothing really changed because I'm still in this brain and I'm still in this brain for the rest of my life.

[00:05:29]And it And it sucks.

[00:05:32]Like it's annoying because I don't like to talk about it so negatively because I don't think it's a bad thing because I think you can be so creative and like people with autism and ADHD can be good at so many things, but just for me I I just think the feeling of being alienated really got to me and I just haven't ever really gotten over it.

[00:05:58]Um and then like I was in year 11 my anxiety got so bad that I could not I had to stay in this like in this like little room um with one teacher. I could not go to a single classroom because I was just so anxious. And like because of all the isolation I became pretty suicidal.

[00:06:29]Um and I tried to kill myself a few times.

[00:06:37]Um It just It like It truly felt like the only way to make things stop in my head.

[00:06:50]And it's just like a million thoughts a thousand miles per hour every [ __ ] second, you know?

[00:06:58]Um and then I started drinking.

[00:07:02]And like the first time I drank it's like the first time I've ever felt silence in my brain in my whole life.

[00:07:11]So I started drinking a lot.

[00:07:13]Um Ooh, not good, I think.

[00:07:18]It maybe got slightly easier when I got to college because there was a lot of um a lot more self-expression that I was able to do because you were allowed to wear what you want and do your makeup how you want, you know what I mean? You're allowed to do whatever you want at college. What I did at least. Um and like a big part of expressing myself is by how I look and how I dress and how I do my makeup.

[00:07:47]It's a very big part of who I am.

[00:07:51]And it's like the one thing that I find peace in after not having peace for so long and I'm not saying that I'm at peace now cuz I don't know if I will ever be at peace. I'm a very uh stressy uh just a lot on my mind kind of person.

[00:08:12]I still don't know if this is just an autism or ADHD thing. I really don't know. Because some of this I I don't know if it's that or it's just me, whatever.

[00:08:22]But I just feel like everything I'm doing always feels wrong.

[00:08:29]Everything I'm doing someone is always doing it better, so I just don't have a good um I just don't think I try as hard as I wished I had.

[00:08:39]And it like ruined a lot of things for me because I always just felt like, oh, you know, someone's doing it better, so what's the point?

[00:08:46]Um and like being at school being undiagnosed and having teachers tell you, you you you weren't listening hard enough.

[00:08:54]If I don't understand something and I ask questions about it, you oh, you need to listen next time. You need to listen next time. But I do listen. I was listening.

[00:09:04]And like if I ask questions at school, they would I would just get told off or like I would be belittled in front of the whole class, just made to feel so stupid and small.

[00:09:18]And like it really sticks in the back of my mind still and I don't understand. Like if you're a teacher like surely these teachers would have known that something was different with me, but you just allowed like >> [snorts] >> just you know, I feel like teachers can tell. I don't know, maybe.

[00:09:41]That's a bold claim to make.

[00:09:44]>> [snorts] >> Um but I feel like they always know. So I just find it frustrating that I went through this for this long and nobody said anything.

[00:09:58]Like >> [snorts] >> Okay.

[00:10:09]Look [snorts] in.

[00:10:12]I think a lot of people forget that autism just a word. It's not just a word. It I'm telling you I have autism because it affects my whole [ __ ] life. It affects the way I think. It affects the way I talk.

[00:10:26]Everything about me.

[00:10:30]You know?

[00:10:31]Um And like I think being misunderstood for so long and having my behavior and actions called as like "Oh, you're being [ __ ] You're being bossy." Or "You're just being dramatic."

[00:10:45]Um "You're just being difficult." You know?

[00:10:49]And >> [snorts] >> people just think, "Oh, yeah, you know, autism is so silly." But like I I don't want to do this.

[00:11:01]Every single day I wake up and I don't want to do this.

[00:11:05]I still don't want to do this and like obviously keep it pushing cuz I love my family, but I don't want to do this.

[00:11:17]If I'm being real.

[00:11:19]I also don't know if this is just something that I am I've experienced, but I never really felt like any of the other girls growing up.

[00:11:29]Um if I ever tried to copy and do what they were doing, like girly things, it just made me feel awkward and stupid.

[00:11:38]And I thought I would maybe feel like I belonged somewhere.

[00:11:42]But I just never did.

[00:11:45]Um and it's just like I I actually just feel like an alien on this planet and I I wish it wasn't like that, but I have to accept it.

[00:11:59]>> [snorts] >> Or I can make my own planet.

[00:12:02]And all the aliens can live there.

[00:12:05]Having meltdowns when I was young was really difficult.

[00:12:10]Um because like not being able to even know what to do with my emotions and I would just like cry until I passed out till I could not breathe.

[00:12:25]Um and then I'd get punished for it because I'm being bratty and um and I just you know, just misbehaving. Oh, yeah, just misbehaving for attention.

[00:12:39]Um and I think like because of my meltdowns being dismissed for so long I think that's also another reason why I turned to self-harming because it just was a way for me to deal with it on my own. And now I still feel really insecure about everything I do.

[00:12:59]I still feel alienated.

[00:13:01]But you know and I want to feel content with who I am.

[00:13:10]I don't want to keep feeling like I'm just not belonging.

[00:13:19]I feel like most of this video was just me crying and just rambling on now.

[00:13:24]Um but hey if you feel like me, you're not losing your mind. Well, I'm losing my mind.

[00:13:33]Maybe we are losing our minds, but that's okay.

[00:13:37]Because we keep it pushing, and you're going to you're going to be okay.

[00:13:41]I think I put a lot of pressure on myself to be all figured out.

[00:13:47]Because my whole life I have never felt figured out. So, it's like now that I'm aware of my diagnosis and stuff, I kind of have this pressure on myself that I should know what I want to be and who I am.

[00:14:00]And I don't.

[00:14:03]I do not.

[00:14:05]Um but I feel like maybe I just need to stop being so hard on myself.

[00:14:11]Um which is easier said than done.

[00:14:14]I just hope that I don't feel like this all the time.

[00:14:18]Autism also kind of include a lot of other things.

[00:14:22]And I do think because of my autism and ADHD, I did get depression. I don't know if it's because of that. I mean, I think being undiagnosed for a till I was like what, 15?

[00:14:36]Almost 16.

[00:14:38]Very traumatizing.

[00:14:41]Um to be misunderstood for that long.

[00:14:44]Extremely.

[00:14:46]It has a big impact on everything I do still.

[00:14:50]Um which sucks because it just feels like I'm making constant excuses. Um when I know that there's certain things that I can't help.

[00:15:01]But it still just feels like I'm not trying hard enough.

[00:15:07]Um with autism, you can also get um I also have [ __ ] >> [snorts] >> Um and with autism, you can also have PDA, which is pathological demand avoidance.

[00:15:28]Um, so I have anxiety over very simple things that cannot be avoided, basically.

[00:15:35]Um, and the research is still like not really existing on this. So, this is just like Safari searches.

[00:15:45]Um, but yeah, no, I procrastinate eating. I never did homework when I was at school, ever. Because I think the pressure of it just just made me freeze.

[00:15:58]I just couldn't do it.

[00:16:00]And then there's stuff like sleeping. [snorts] I won't like I will keep even if I'm tired I will keep myself up for hours and hours and hours. I don't know why.

[00:16:11]Um, I can't clean my room a lot of the time.

[00:16:16]I'll keep it real right now.

[00:16:18]Look at my room.

[00:16:22]I just hope that one day people will be more sympathetic and understanding to what I go through in my head every day.

[00:16:35]And it's not like I'm asking people to like fully sympathize with me in every moment and every second and just to see me and nobody else. I just want I just don't want to feel like an inconvenience.

[00:16:56]Cuz that's all I feel like.

[00:17:00]And uh, it's not very nice.

[00:17:09]And I just hope that there is more help for autistic and ADHD people in schools because the way that I struggled for so many years and the mindset that put me in for so long and that I still am in really really [ __ ] me up and it's like I would hate for somebody else to feel that.

[00:17:34]Um and yeah.

[00:17:42]>> [snorts] >> It's very um hard to live in my brain every day.

[00:17:48]Extremely difficult which is why I turned to drugs and drinking and smoking cuz I don't have to be in my brain just for a few minutes, few hours.

[00:18:04]It can It can all just it will just It just quietens down just for a moment.

[00:18:11]Um and I don't know if getting back on my medication would make it quiet again like all the time.

[00:18:18]But I don't want it to be like that all the time because when I take my medication, I feel like it takes away from who I am.

[00:18:24]And I can't be silly and funny and that's my favorite thing about me.

[00:18:31]Um I'm not really sure how to summarize this video. Um pretty depressing one.

[00:18:42]Um Yeah, pretty depressing one. Um Um Yeah.

[00:18:51]Whoop.

[00:18:53]Hope you have fun listening to my sob story.

[00:18:59]Um well, if you are at the end of the video, I don't know why.

[00:19:05]Why are you listening to me talk? I don't know.

[00:19:09]Um I appreciate it and I love you.

[00:19:13]And I hope that we can we can all find a place of belonging and feel understood one day.