Should I Let My Daughter Attend Sleepovers?

Added: 2026-05-29

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[00:00:05]>> We just moved to Boise from Nebraska. Um it's our second cross-country move in like I don't know less I think six years. So, but in Nebraska we had a great um community like awesome community and I we were homeschooled in Nebraska and I think that's sort of important. So I knew a lot of the people that she knew and she went for sleepovers with a few people that I had picked out and I was like open to that idea because I knew their parents and knew their environments. But here it's just different.

[00:00:39]>> They go to a charter school here and a lot and we're not as plugged into our church yet and we just haven't found >> like our people, you know what I mean?

[00:00:49]>> Yep.

[00:00:50]>> And so >> this sleepover situation is different.

[00:00:54]Well, she has this friend that she um goes to school with, and I like her parents. I've met I've met her mom and her stepmom. And this is just like one situation. She's asked me a few times why she can't do this, but I don't really know these people. And so, she's gone to stay late a couple of days. And that's just she's not having it, >> right? She just doesn't >> get why it she's 10.

[00:01:20]>> Okay.

[00:01:21]And so she doesn't get why it's different now than it used to be. And as much as I try and explain that to her, I just I don't know how I'm not getting through to her. I'm not like angry about it. And her par she tells me that her friend's parents even have like the same rule. I have to know her parents for a year before you go over. So what I don't understand is how to explain to her and get her to like really hear me. I just want her to hear my heart. like I just want you I just want to know the situation you're in before I give somebody full access to you without traumatizing her because I don't need to tell her everything that can go wrong in the world. You know what I mean?

[00:02:03]Totally. Are sleepovers even a thing that people do anymore?

[00:02:06]>> Oh yeah. All the time. All the time.

[00:02:08]>> Yeah. I don't think they're inherently unsafe. I think >> Oh, I do.

[00:02:12]>> They can be.

[00:02:13]>> I do.

[00:02:14]>> Yeah.

[00:02:14]>> Do you think sleepovers are inherently unsafe?

[00:02:17]>> Yeah. Some of the craziest nights of my life were sleepover. Yes. Like, and yeah, here's the deal. Um, here's again, the universe. There's been a series of the last like month or two where callers are dealing with something that I deal with in my house. I have a 10-year-old daughter. We literally just had this conversation.

[00:02:38]>> And so, I'm going to talk to you as a nerd, but also as a guy who's dealing with this same thing.

[00:02:46]>> Yeah. I cannot expect my daughter to understand things. She's 10.

[00:02:52]She's 10. I can't expect her to hear me.

[00:02:55]She's 10.

[00:02:58]What I can offer her is I know you're sad and I know you're disappointed and I know you have huge feelings about this and I can handle you being mad at me and not liking me.

[00:03:13]That won't change how much I love you.

[00:03:16]I have actually said that to her and she gets angrier.

[00:03:20]>> Good. Like she's 10. She's 10.

[00:03:25]Um she and she's getting angry because she's not getting her way. She's getting angry because she's trying to make connections in a new place. She's a raw exposed untethered 10-year-old. And I say untethered, she's tethered to you guys, but she's untethered to friend community, >> right?

[00:03:42]>> She wants to fit in. She wants to be like everybody else. That's every bit of that is normal and it's a parent's job to keep them keep them safe and parents get to decide what is safe for them, >> right?

[00:03:54]>> And so you're you're playing a uh my daughter went to um a public school. We moved her to a new school. We moved houses. We moved about 45 minutes away. We're in the same city, but 45 minutes away from the from the old house. And the school situation she's in now is unbelievable how awesome it is.

[00:04:16]>> Yeah.

[00:04:17]>> And for the first 18 months, all she talked about was, "I can't wait till I move out so I can go back."

[00:04:23]And I know objectively, in no way was that correct.

[00:04:29]But that was her feelings.

[00:04:31]And so I was able to say, "Yeah, man.

[00:04:34]And when you're 18, you you're able to do a lot of stuff.

[00:04:39]And now she would set the house on fire if I took her out of the school she's in now, right? And so part of part of being a parent is just weathering these storms. It's just uncomfortable and stinks. But letting your kid know I still love you and still like you. I'm going to keep doing my job, which is to keep you safe. And and by the way, it's going to happen next year when everybody gets a phone and she doesn't have one, >> right? It's going to happen the year after that when everybody starts dating in at 14 and you say no.

[00:05:06]>> And I'm just making stuff up here, right? But this is going to be forever.

[00:05:10]>> You're not making stuff up.

[00:05:12]>> It's going to be forever. And so teaching her now, I can weather you not liking me. I can weather you're angry.

[00:05:17]Totally get that you're angry. Of course you want to go spend the night with your friends. It's awesome.

[00:05:24]>> I I want to I want her to have fun. And that's what I keep telling you. I I'll let you can go and I'll pick you up at 10:30. Like I'll pick you up at 10:30, 11:00. Like, >> go spend all day with your friends.

[00:05:35]That's plenty. Sleep in your own bed.

[00:05:37]>> Yep.

[00:05:39]And And be confident in your answer.

[00:05:42]>> Yeah.

[00:05:42]>> And I'll say it this way, and I don't think you are, but I'll just say it for everybody listening. Don't outsource your sense of relationship or selfworth on whether a 10-year-old likes you or not.

[00:05:54]>> Yeah. Right.

[00:05:55]>> Oh my gosh.

[00:05:58]You're a good mom. You're setting boundaries for your kid. You're a good mom. You're keeping your kids safe.

[00:06:03]And for whatever it's worth, I am pathological about sleepovers.

[00:06:10]>> I am too, actually.

[00:06:12]>> It's all good.

[00:06:12]>> Like, I I am.

[00:06:14]>> And here's the thing. Here's the thing.

[00:06:15]You you can tell your your daughter at 10, and I don't think this is too much.

[00:06:22]You can say, "I trust your friend and I trust your friend's parents, but I don't know what friend her brother or her sister's going to bring over.

[00:06:36]I don't know what might you might actually see on accidentally see on TV."

[00:06:41]>> Yeah.

[00:06:41]>> And that's my job. And she's 10. She's going to be like, "It's nothing. It will never I I I hear that. I know it's disappointing, >> but this just is." And then she gets to weather it and in the morning you're down there with eggs and pancakes. Good morning and we're back at it. And 10 yearear-olds can say awful, wild things.

[00:07:04]>> They can.

[00:07:04]>> And then it's my job as a parent to show up the next morning having wiped the slate clean. If my wife says awful mean things to me and then goes to bed the next morning, we're going to talk about it. 10-year-old, I'm mostly going to wipe the slate clean. They're 10.

[00:07:17]>> Yeah. and they're going to find out you you you can't you can hurt my feelings.

[00:07:23]You can but I get to choose how I respond. And by the way, it doesn't mean that your kid has get gets to run rough shot and say mean things, >> right?

[00:07:33]>> And there are times when I've tell both my kids, you're allowed to be angry. You're allowed to be really upset with me. You can't say that. That's disrespectful.

[00:07:44]>> And we are respectful even if we're angry.

[00:07:48]Right.

[00:07:48]>> And if you choose to say that, then you're making this choice about consequences.

[00:07:57]>> I wish parenting was easier.

[00:07:59]>> It's not. It's the worst. It's the worst thing. It's the best worst thing ever.

[00:08:02]>> It is the best. And it is so hard.

[00:08:05]>> It's hard.

[00:08:07]Yeah. But but being liked is not the measure of a good parent.

[00:08:12]>> That's true.

[00:08:14]Being sturdy, as as Becky Kennedy says, is the measure. Can I stand firm and let you know despite your big feelings, I'm always going to be right here. And I'm going to do my one job, and that's to keep you safe.

[00:08:28]>> Yeah.

[00:08:29]>> And you're not going to agree with me.

[00:08:30]And I'm completely okay with that.

[00:08:33]Totally okay with that.

[00:08:36]>> Because I know I'm making the right choice.

[00:08:38]>> Yeah. And if I'm not making the right choice, I'll say I'm sorry. That's true.

[00:08:41]>> We'll shake it off. We'll move on.

[00:08:43]I'm not afraid to say I'm sorry either.

[00:08:44]I say it to my kids all the time.

[00:08:50]Mess that one up.

[00:08:54]It is hard though.

[00:08:56]>> Yeah.

[00:08:58]>> Is your husband with you on this?

[00:09:00]>> Oh yeah. He we were on the same page. I just I was hoping for more language because I just I don't think I have it at the moment. I think you do.

[00:09:14]>> I think it's I think it's weathering the >> the emotional hurricane that is a 10-year-old.

[00:09:21]>> You know, is she your oldest?

[00:09:24]>> No, she's my youngest.

[00:09:25]>> Oh, your youngest. Okay.

[00:09:26]>> The oldest. They sort of understand.

[00:09:28]>> Okay.

[00:09:29]>> And they sort of accept it. It's just her. She's just having the hardest time.

[00:09:34]>> How old are your older kids?

[00:09:36]>> 17 and 12.

[00:09:37]>> Okay. So, this is especially hard. And I'm going through this. is I have a 16-year-old and a 10-year-old.

[00:09:43]>> I got a 10-year-old who's watching her brother drive. He can go wherever he wants.

[00:09:47]>> Mhm.

[00:09:48]>> He's driving himself to school stuff.

[00:09:51]He's going driving himself to games. He And she feels trapped.

[00:09:55]>> Yeah.

[00:09:56]>> And a 10-year-old is going to say the words, "It's not fair over and over."

[00:10:00]And cuz it's not.

[00:10:02]>> Yeah. I think trapped is a good word.

[00:10:04]>> And if a parent says life's not fair, then the parent should punch himself in the eyeball for saying that, right? But we all say it. But like like the the only way I've seen and every kid is different. The way I have seen things the the extra burden of energy that has fallen on me that I didn't anticipate is a sense of I grew up in a house where my dad would say I said no because I said it.

[00:10:33]>> Right.

[00:10:34]>> Right. I want her to say and he did his best to explain it but there was a sense of I'm the dad. I kind of get to do what I want here.

[00:10:41]>> Mhm.

[00:10:42]>> I want my daughter to know here's why I'm making this decision and I don't expect you to understand it and it's okay if you're mad at me and I'll still be here and here's the extra energy expenditure. Can I put my stupid phone down or forgo the episode I wanted to watch and we go do something?

[00:11:00]Can I invite those friends over to my house and just let them have a wild time?

[00:11:08]Yeah.

[00:11:08]>> Can I turn all the lights off and get get flashlights and play hide-and-seek with mom and dad? You know what I mean?

[00:11:13]Like, can I get involved in this thing and backfill some of that sense of I'm just stuck here by myself?

[00:11:21]>> Yeah.

[00:11:22]>> We're not My 16-year-old, I'm not I'll never be as cool as his friends. I get that. 10-year-old, I still think you're cool.

[00:11:30]>> She does.

[00:11:31]>> Yeah.

[00:11:32]>> Most of the time, unless I'm telling her no.

[00:11:34]>> There you go. That's right. That's right. And that that's that's the job.

[00:11:37]That's the job. That's the job. That's the job. And um I'll tell you, it sounds like you and your husband are doing really great work. It's awesome. And it's hard.

[00:11:52]It youngest kids are often scrambling for ownership of something.

[00:11:58]And so maybe there's some opportunities for you to say, "This is off the table.

[00:12:03]Do you want to go with me to a movie or do you want to go with me to get ice cream? You get to pick. Neither. Okay.

[00:12:10]I'd love to go get ice cream with you or go to a movie with you. I'm going to be downstairs. You come tell me cuz I'd love to do it.

[00:12:18]And then the next day, if your daughter says no, be like, "Man, I wanted to go to a movie and get ice cream with you."

[00:12:27]Eventually, they'll say movie. And then we're going to go have a movie and we're either going to pay $108 for a box of milk duds or we're going to go to the gas station and sneak them in. But we're we're I'm going to give opportunities for ownership on little things for a 10-year-old so they can begin to feel the ground underneath their feet. I've got some little bits of autonomy in my life. But you're you and your husband sound like you're doing a great job. Not a fan of sleepovers. um my wife and I are pathological about the few if any that we allow and um pretty militant about it. Just the risk and reward isn't worth it.

[00:13:07]Especially when you're you feel safe enough to let your kids stay till 10 or like dude come home and get some sleep.

[00:13:13]It's it's all good.

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