Addiction can consume any aspect of life, including athletic success, education, and relationships, but recovery is possible through honest self-assessment, accepting help, and building a support system. Derek Benson, a former Purdue football player who spent nearly two years in prison due to addiction-related crimes, emphasizes that recovery requires acknowledging one's problems, surrounding oneself with supportive people, and committing to a structured recovery process. His journey demonstrates that even those who have achieved significant success can be destroyed by addiction, but with determination and proper support, they can rebuild their lives and become advocates for others in recovery.
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I Was a College Athlete… Then I Ended Up in PrisonAjouté :
All I could think about was going to my drug dealer. And if we have a [ __ ] field day, I'm going five, six, 700 bucks, right?
>> In one day, you would spend on drugs.
>> 500 plus dollars a day. Easy. My name is Derek Benson. I was an active addict, an alcoholic for 10 years. I spent about 18 months incarcerated. I have been sober now for 11 years. Derek Benson talks about growing up between Connecticut and Florida, chasing a future as a student athlete, falling into a decadel long addiction, the crimes that led him to prison, and how he eventually got sober and turned his life around.
>> Uh, I was born in Hartford, Connecticut.
>> What was your upbringing like?
>> Um, you could say middle class, upper middle class. um kind of a tumultuous childhood um relatively um you know my mom the age difference between me and my mother is almost the age difference between my mother and my father so I think it's safe to say I might have been an accident >> what they do for work >> uh so my father had a sales distribution business um at the time I think my mom worked for United Technologies um yeah I think my mom's job changed once Once she had me, it was it was to kind of raise me. If that makes any sense.
>> Did your parents stay together?
>> No. No. And that's kind of why I make the joke about the whole accident thing cuz it was like I don't really understand the fundamentals or the dynamics of their interpersonal relationship after I was born because it was just kind of like my mom and dad and they tried to make things work. So, did they have equal custody or was it just your mom you stayed with or >> Well, so they lived together and I lived in Glastonbury, Connecticut for about five years. Then my mom took off to Florida, South Florida. Um, and I was with her at that point.
>> And you were 5 years old, you were saying?
>> Yeah, 5 years old. And did you have siblings or just?
>> Uh, so I actually have four older half brothers which are around the age of my mother and later in life I have a half sister.
>> So how was Florida for you?
>> I loved Florida. I mean it was what I knew, right? It's like the only experience you have when you're growing up. So those are my formidable years.
But I was in Hutchson Island which uh it's a little north of like Palm Beach Jupiter about 30 minutes north. And yeah, I grew up just going to private school, playing out on the beach, you know, you have your your friends. I played a lot of sports. I was always involved athletically with things. It kind of allowed me to expend the energy that I have because I got a lot of energy.
>> Is it hard to get moved at 5 years old or do you have, you know, no recollection of say switching schools or switching friends that you grew up with those first few years? Well, it's it's actually an interesting point that you bring that up because I switched schools every year for like the first four years cuz the schools wanted to put me on medication. Um, so at an early age, I always was able to like make new friends. Um, and athletics was kind of a way to build that. That was kind of like my standout thing. Uh, even at a young age, like I played hockey, I started playing hockey in Connecticut at age three. So down there there wasn't a rink. So I would play roller hockey. I was in Stewart, right? So um it was always a way to like bond and be around the team and have some camaraderie. Um and then within schools you kind of making match with friends as you transition through schools.
>> Why medication?
>> You know, it's an interesting point. I I don't know the exact reason. It's just uh I was told that I wouldn't stay in my seat. Um you know, I was hyperactive, right? A lot of kids when they're younger, at least at that point, I'm 40 years old now, the answer was, "Oh, rolin or you know, the progression to Aderall or, you know, some type of medicated assisted treatment."
>> How long were you in Florida for?
>> So, I was down there pretty much till I went into high school. The interesting thing was is my mom moved around a lot. She wasn't as stable as my father. My father had a successful business operation here in Connecticut.
Um he was older. He was at a different point in life. Um he did like finer things in life. Um and my mom was, you know, in her mid20s figuring out life kind of as a single mother that was subsidized through my father. Um I think there was clear codependency there. And um so I kind of grew up in that dynamic of like making sure dad's happy and then also learning how to play mom, right? So I think that polarity of learning how to um appeal to one parent, appeal to other, appeal to friends group and like kind of make everyone happy was was just a part of my existence, right? It's all I knew. It's my childhood. Um, you know, I think the interesting thing is is with that moving around a lot, uh, my mom actually moved back to Connecticut at one point and then moved back down to Florida. And there was, I would say, probably the first really traumatic experience that I had was my mom. I was in fourth grade. I was going to school here in Connecticut. My mom had moved back from Florida and my mom had packed up a moving truck unbeknownst to my father and took off to Florida and we were in Scranton, Pennsylvania.
And my father was waiting at this fork in the road and my mother and I in this moving truck and my father sped up and was literally like driving parallel with us probably 80 miles an hour in Scranton, Pennsylvania, screaming at my mother outside of his car to pull the truck over.
Um, I got so nervous that I had passed out. I remember my mom had written on X-rays, called the police, and she put it in the front of the U-Haul vehicle and she drove around honking the horn until the cops finally pulled up. And the last thing I remember is waking up, looking in the rearview mirror, seeing my father in a cop car, and then at that night, we stayed at a hotel. And so when we had gotten to the hotel, I vividly remember the fire alarm had went off that night and my mom was panicked because she thought my father had pulled the fire alarm and that he was going to be there and he was going to take me.
Now, as I got older, I realized that my mother is very fear-based. And I'm not sure where that fear came from, but that was the kind of dynamic that I was that I was growing up in is with a very fear-based parent, money control, codependency.
Um, I went back down to Florida and was down there till till uh 9th grade.
>> So, was your father abusive or >> I never ever saw my father get abusive with my mother physically. Now, I think you can abuse people in different ways.
And I hate some of these woke people.
They're like, "Oh, is this trauma? Is this abuse?" And they go down these wormholes, and it's like, "No, this is [ __ ] life, right?" And people are not highly rational, right? Um, my father would get mad clearly, but on the flip side of that, if he had a true internal locus of control, he would understand that he's extending himself in ways. And I don't know if he was Yeah, I think he was doing it from a good place, right?
He wants to provide for his kid, but also I don't necessarily think he wanted to like step up and be a day-to-day dad.
>> And did your dad want you in the picture? Cuz he made the effort to chase after you that time, but before he let her go to Florida.
>> Yeah. It's this weird duality that even to this day I can't necessarily figure out. I think what he saw was a mother who loved her kid, thought she was doing the best thing, but also had her own issues.
And my mother wasn't like abusive. Uh my mother um wasn't like on drugs. And so was it's this weird duality that kind of existed between their relationship that was just really unhealthy. It was just an unhealthy dynamic.
>> So what ends up happening? Do you go to Florida? Do you guys make it again or?
>> Yeah. So, we make it down to Florida. I get back into school and then within one year I'm back here cuz prior to this, I would spend some of the summer with my dad. We'd go up to like Hampton Beach and hang out there. The whole family would like get houses along the beach and we'd hang out. So, I go through school. At this point, my mom had moved to Okachchobee, Florida. Now, if you're not familiar with Okchobee, Florida, uh I won't hold it I won't hold it against you because there's not a lot going on out there, but it is [ __ ] country. Ian, >> I've had a guest that grew up there.
>> Okay. Okay. So, so it is country in the truest sense. Um I can remember being in fifth grade there. Uh and gangs were prevalent. Like I can remember folks and all this stuff and and they're trying to like recruit you for gangs. and I'm kind of like interested in this whole camaraderie team because of sports. Um, but when I come back up here to Hampton Beach, my dad didn't send me back. So, it's fifth grade summer. I'm visiting my father and he doesn't send me back to my mother and he lawyers up and he's like, "The charad's over. Like, we're going to legally dice this thing out." So, I spent that fifth grade year with my father.
>> How do you feel about that?
>> Very confused. I think looking back at my childhood, I was just very confused.
Um, again, like not like abusive, but like there are these traumatic experiences that kind of shape you, right? Um, the fear of uncertainty, fear of unknown, like the predictability that I had with sports, um, the energy outlet, right? At that point, I hated my father. I hated my father. Um, even to this day, actually, recently, I found a photo, and it's I don't have a ton of photos of my father when I was super young, obviously, because of the the dynamic and the the separation, but I had drawn an X through it. And it really it really kind of hit me in the heart because I love that man, but I was just very confused and didn't know. Um, naturally at that point I feel like a lot of boys are kind of going through like an anti- adult phase trying to, you know, get their independence, exert themselves as as a man, right? Fifth to like 8th grade, you know, I feel like kids go through that. And I did that with my dad and I I hated him. I hated him. And on the flip side, like I loved him when he was giving me what I wanted.
>> Do you think that those experiences you were just describing in your younger years impacted the decisions you would make later on? Oh, I undoubtedly undoubtedly to think that I arrived at the decision-making that I had as an adult without the situations that occurred in my past would be very short-sighted.
>> When do you think you first made a decision based on that?
>> Well, I have to say this, taking accountability for all of my actions, even at a young age, I played a fundamental part in everything that happened.
Now, to what level of liability I hold in that, I don't know. Let's leave that to a higher power. But to think that my father didn't act or respond certain ways cuz I was acting like a [ __ ] punk would be short-sighted, right? If I was super chill and easygoing, maybe it would have made things easy for him, right? Because he's going to have a reaction to my action.
>> How were you as a kid? Uh, you know, going into your teenage years, how would you have described yourself?
I wanted people to really like me and as you go through different schools, as you move to different areas, you have to build a new friends group. So, you want to find common ground. Again, sports were always that common ground. But also, like I think I was just like energetic. Um, like yourself, I was a hustler. Um, I had the lemonade stand, right? I would buy the Warheads at the convenience store for five cents and sell them for a quarter at school. I would steal the yarn at Walmart and then go make bracelets and then sell them at school for $2. U, I would take the newspaper. Do you remember the old newspaper machine? I would put in, you know, a$150, take out all the newspapers and then try to sell them at people's houses.
And so I think I was curious. I think I was motivated. I think I was craving discipline. I think I was confused. I think I was fearful. I think it was a human being. Um, looking back at that, sports again were always that consistent, that energy outlet, that camaraderie, the predictability that uh that was paramount in in a lot of who I became and even to this day in my life.
>> Were you looking at sports as a long-term career?
>> So, I grew up around a very sportsoriented environment. Again, I started playing hockey at three years old.
My dad loved sports. My brothers were all good at sports. Uh, in fact, one played at Eastern, got drafted by the Dodgers, had an injury. Um, but that was always like a central point with my family, like going to Red Sox games, going to Whalers games, right? Like that was always a common thing. So, I think from a young age, that's just what I knew. That was my experience. And in a way, I think sports, I was also seeking approval from those around me.
>> So, what happens next? You know, you're in high school. Where do you go?
>> Let's go back to that court case. So, they go through this custody battle and my dad technically wins custody. Now, he understood the relationship that I had with my mother. And looking back at this point, this is when I really started to shape my perspective differently with my father.
He said, "Dereker clearly needs more structure. He's not getting this structure with his mother. Maybe I don't think I am the most suitable person to be like full-time dad boarding school."
So, the byproduct of the court case is Derek is going to get sent to boarding school. Now, which one? We don't know.
But I can vividly remember uh my dad showed up at breakfast with my mother with like a big ass book and it was all boarding schools throughout the United States and he had the yellow Post-it notes on like six of them. So, he brings this big ass book. We're sitting down and he's like, "We should discuss schools." Now, I kind of knew this was happening because you hear your parents talking on the phone and what's going on, but I didn't I didn't know what this was, right? I didn't It's kind of foreign to me, right? I'm like, "Wait, you go to school every day?" "No, no, you live here, right? I'm in fifth grade. You live here." Okay. So, I flip open the book. He's kind of giving me the rundown on some of them and a majority of them are military schools.
I'm like, "Okay, again, don't know what to expect, but I selected the one that was closest to my mom." So, sixth grade, I end up at Admiral Farragate Military Academy in St. Petersburg, Florida. And um that was a hell of an experience at that age, right? Because you feel homesick.
You're a little conf Ex excuse me, you're a little confused.
And also, it was predictable. There were sports.
There was sailing. It was a nice school, but you have to wear a uniform, right?
You have to have your gig line all lined up, shoes polished, name tag perfect, things of that nature. So, there's a a steep learning curve, right? It was like kind of all this lack of discipline, per se, to hyperdiscipline.
But you do make it back to Connecticut for high school after that.
>> So at this point I'm at this military school, sixth to eighth grade, St. Petersburg, Florida. 8th grade, 7th grade, they start realizing, hey, like you're a pretty good athlete kid. Um, you know, to the point where like you can almost dunk a basketball, things like that, right? So I had played football and I loved football. Moved away from the whole hockey thing and football was an outlet for me. I realized that I did like like kind of like the violence, the anger, the aggression, but also like the duality of football is like having that finesse, but also being willing to punch someone in the face, right? And so my eighth grade year, an administrator at the school says, "Hey, if you really want to get serious about football, this is the time." Like either you go to a different school here that's not going to be a boarding school in Florida, because it's Florida, right? um you know, arguably the best talent in football in the nation. And if you don't do that, this is where I recommend you go. And he showed me a school, my father, a school called Fork Union Military Academy, which is actually in Fork Union, Virginia. And that was like a real ass military school. So we go up to Fork Union and at that point Eddie George had gone there. Vinnie Testaverie, I think it was the only school in the nation that had two Heisman Trophy winners. They It was a breeding ground for football, but also it was a real ass military school. So I go for the interview, they show me the athletic center at the time. It was world class indoor track, indoor pools, raetball. I'm like, "Wow, like beautiful gym." At the time it was comparable to like division one colleges. And I'm like, "This is where I need to be." You know, I see guys walking around campus looking like grown ass men. I'm like, "These are the boys I need to be with."
Right? So, I end up at Fork Union Military Academy.
Just to keep like a little perspective, we were 25 miles from the nearest McDonald's. All right? So, we are in the [ __ ] sticks. I mean, we're talking country, right? We're talking country.
And so I start this military school and honestly looking back this military school is kind of a mindset shift that helped me in prison because it's all guys middle of nowhere, probably 40% black, you know, maybe 50% white and then Asian, right?
There were kids from like Newport News.
They say bad news. That's where Alan Iverson is from. a lot of like top level athletes are from Newport News and they did a lot of scholarships there too. So I end up at this military school and it was like the first time in my face where it was like knuckle up or shut up, right? What are you going to do about it? What are you going to do about it?
And so I'm at this military school and it's great because I have this like high level of athletics. Also, I have this weird duality of like street, right, mixed in with like sometimes like pretentious white kids. And I saw like that pecking order. Like if you're the white boy, someone might punk you. Like someone from Newport News, someone from DC, someone from Baltimore would be like, "What's up, white boy?" And if you're not willing to do something, you're going to get walked on, you know?
So, I'm at this military school, good athlete, quarterback wasn't coming back, whatever. I transferred to Avon Old Farms for one year and they tell me to repeat my junior year. Now you want to talk about polarity. Avon Old Farms is all boys. Avon Connecticut like $50,000 a year. I I played sports so like dad wasn't stroking a check for 50k. But I end up at Avon Old Farms and I'm like wearing a blazer now with a tie to class. Now I'm wearing a military uniform doing company marches in an environment where like you know there's polarity to a bunch of rich white kids right if you were black at that school you probably were an athlete now maybe things have changed this is 20 years ago but yeah I end up there so I repeat that year didn't have any scholarship options that I like and I ended up at the Hun School of Princeton New Jersey now the time I was there was was an amazing year. It's an amazing period.
I'm there. Myin Ro, who was a road scholar, now a really well-known neurosurgeon, um actually has his own podcast on Players TV. Uh doing big things. He was like a phenomenal athlete, played at Florida State, went on um played for the Steelers for a little while. Now he's a neurosurgeon.
He was the number one junior in the nation. my quarterback uh guy named Dom Natali was like the number five or 10 quarterback in the nation. Then we had like six other guys who all went division one. Um I had a number of different scholarship options. Uh got a letter uh from Purdue. Went out to visit Purdue. Really liked it. I was a white wide receiver. All right. Now I don't you know I know we kind of live in a different day and age where people are like oh you got to be white. It's like, dude, I was a white receiver. Like, I would wear arm sleeves just to appear black on video. Now, keep in mind, I also ran a 437. Like, I I raced Jonathan Stewart in Oregon. Like, I had all these metrics that would put me in the classification, but I was getting looked over. I get this offer from Purdue. I go out there and I was like, "This is where I need to be." It was basketball on grass. They throw the ball a lot. Kyle Orton was there. Taylor Stubblesfield just set the NCAA record. Um Dorian Bryant and um Drew Brees was just there five years before. So I'm like this is my best opportunity. This is my best offer. This is where I need to go. So I graduate from the Hunt School and then I show up at Purdue 2005.
>> Do you think you were too sheltered by all these schools? Like you didn't have a normal experience at all.
>> Well, it's interesting. The experience wasn't wasn't normal at all. And this is where I'll start to get into the mess because a lot of what I like to talk about in my story of recovery is the message of recovery. But when I was at this military school and then I showed up at Avon Old Farms, there was a lot more access to substances, right? Like kids were smoking weed in the woods. So I start, you know, after practice, hit a joint, you know, at the hunt school, similar situation, getting drunk. And that was an outlet for me. I I loved it.
I literally just I can remember like the first time I did Coke my senior year. I was like like I've arrived, right? I just felt like this is where I belong.
It just I felt something different through my veins like the hair on my neck just stick up. Um and I think it's very similar to the effect that you have like when you score a touchdown. You're like I'm the [ __ ] man. Yeah. Right. And people are cheering and you just you're Yeah. I I'm doing it. I'm doing my thing, right? Um, you know, the sheltered thing, I don't know, right? It's it was my lived experience. So, in a way, I think it was probably good, but also bad because when I got my moments of freedom, I was seeking outlets through substances, right?
going to this high school where I wasn't scared of of like, you know, I say this respectfully, but like you don't have a lot of street kids in certain public systems in Connecticut, right? Cuz when you're at these boarding schools, you get time off, right? You get summer break and and you get a long Christmas. So I'd come back, I like, I'm not scared to go to Harford like, "Oh, like I don't know these guys are getting." I'm like, "Give a [ __ ] right?" 16, 17, go to the north end, go to the south end, get whatever we needed. Um, so I don't know, you know, you you asked a question that kind of took me down a wormhole there, but I I don't know if I was sheltered or if maybe I just lived in this like reality that that existed amongst me, but the reality that I chose to see.
>> What was your drug use going into Purdue like?
Okay. So, I had prescription narcotics when I was younger, and it produced an effect, but it didn't it didn't hook me.
Now, my senior year of high school, before I signed this letter of intent with Purdue, I had a hernia surgery because my whole senior season, I played with a hernia. I just kept popping it back in, popping it back in. Like, the things literally my intestines sitting in my ball sack and I'm just pushing it back in. And my mindset was like, dude, I want to play division one football at a high level.
Like now people say, "Oh, I played division one football." Like, bro, like, did you play at a top 20? Because at the time Purdue was top 20.
So, I'm pushing my hernia back in the whole season. Then I get surgery this spring. I had gotten prescription narcotics, perks. I think they're like perk tense. gotten like I think 60 of them and I'm down there on spring break with a buddy of mine that played at South Carolina and he's break he's like dude we got to break these things up and I'm like what he's like we got to [ __ ] blast these now I'm thinking we're just going to eat them and drink a little booze right but I I do it with them right so at that point it produced a completely different effect on me where I was like oo I like this you know like I feel Good. And I'll share something with you that that I've never told anyone and it's very challenging for me to uh to get into this.
When I was down in Key West during spring break doing these pills, my mom had gone out and I was watching my sister. Now, when my mom came back, she was inebriated and I thought someone had drugged her. I mean, she was out of her mind. But her and I got into it and I had pushed my mom into a bush and she flipped over the bush and cracked open the entire side of her head and she was unconscious laying there on the floor.
I got down there and I picked her up and I saw what I had did to my mother and I felt just fear run through my veins.
I ran in the house. I got my buddy.
We carried her inside. And I'm freaking out. I killed my mother. I killed my mother. And I'm freaking out. My buddy is in there with her and comes in. He's like, "He's she's fine. She's fine."
I go in there and I'm looking at my mother and she's standing there in the mirror and the entire side of her head is split wide open like a [ __ ] butterfly.
Now, from that point, we had gone to the hospital, and I'm just fearful that she doesn't say that I did it. And as we're on our way to the hospital, she's like, "I should tell him. Look at my head. I should tell them I'm fearful that she's going to tell them in the hospital that I did this and that something bad's going to happen to me because I just signed a letter of intent." And I'm thinking all of my dreams and goals are coming to fruition, but I had this act out of pure stupidity, of being inebriated, of being angry, of not realizing my own strength, but also look what I did to my mom, my mother. Like, look what I did to my own mother.
So, she doesn't say anything.
She gets the stitches and then we go back and it's never really a conversation.
Now, from that point forward, I knew that I had liked pills because I was doing it and drinking. But also, I saw on the flip side what happens when I put those substance in my body. It didn't click at that point, but looking back, that's when I can look back to the most obvious moment of my relationship, particularly with narcotics and drinking, the consequences. So, you were high and under the influence while you were watching your sister?
>> Yeah. Yeah. She was asleep. My buddy and I were out and back in the jacuzzi blowing pills and drinking tequila.
>> Do you think that triggered your inner resentment towards your mother that you might have had from your childhood in that moment?
>> I didn't realize the level of resentment I had amongst my family until I got sober.
But to answer your question, yes.
>> So, what ends up happening next? You get to Purdue.
>> So, I get to Purdue. All right. Uh, I was always like kind of wild, right? Um, but I show up at Purdue and I'm the strongest receiver, but not the fastest.
Uh at that point I get red shirted because it's my freshman year so they red shirt me and again instead of becoming hyperfocused on perfecting my craft which is supposed to be football right that's I'm getting paid to go to this university well nil is different but they're paying for my education I looked at this little more flexible schedule as opportunities to build relationships that typically involve drinking and drugging.
So, I get to Purdue.
Freshman year, I red shirt.
Um, I'm gambling. Uh, I can remember at one point I was literally gambling through NCAA. We were playing NCAA. So, I was playing NCAA 2005. I remember vividly because it was super cool to be on a video game, right? But you had to import your name, right? So, I'm playing NCAA against another guy for my Jeep in the parking lot.
I win luckily, right? Because I had been in the whole I don't know, maybe like two or three grand or something and I was like, "Fuck it." Like, 500 500 from you. I'll put my Jeep up. He's like, "Give me the papers." So, we're playing NCAA.
I win luckily. Uh, but again, it was that kind of that that tendency, right?
These habits, this mindset of [ __ ] it, yolo, like by any means, I do what I want, right? Um, on the flip side, like I am working out hard physically, but living this deep polarity of like drinking till like 3:00 in the morning and showing up at 6:00 a.m. to like lift weights, right? not putting myself in position for success at the division one level, particularly with Purdue at that time, you know, um academically, one foot in, one foot out. Um and I kind of just go through the program uh for two years.
It was a complicated time at Purdue during this period because there's a lot of pressure on Joe Tiller, right? Drew Brees was there 2000 2004, the year before I get there. they lose four games but by a combined total of 12 points. Um so there's a lot of hope, right?
And also like I'm putting myself in situations that could compromise the reputation of the team.
There was also some other pretty crazy things that happened during that period, that two-year period while I was there.
Not a lot of people speak about this. Uh it's becoming more prevalent now with CTE and and all the social media, but there was this kid named Kyle Williams.
Now Kyle Williams was a highly touted recruit, five star.
I mean, this kid was a [ __ ] manchild.
We're talking maybe like 220, 6'2, uh ready to hit like a man, right? They called him bone crusher. He had a tattoo that said bone crusher. Now Kyle Williams at one point went through campus on a rampage and beat the [ __ ] out of people, particularly women. Then he sexually assaulted a woman.
And then he mutilated her face. Like he's so strong he just smashed her face and beat the [ __ ] out of her. Now he's doing 35 years right now.
at that point he had left gone up to Chicago and did the same thing to another woman. So again, this polarity of like my lifestyle and drawing negative attention while these other serious things are happening. Like another guy, Terren Crump, I think he played in the league for a little while.
He hit a student on campus when he was drunk and like took off, right? So the eye is not only on Purdue to perform, but also what the [ __ ] is happening within Purdue athletics right now?
We beat Indiana University by second year, which is a big game for Purdue. We call it the Oaken bucket. And we bring back the Oaken bucket. Now, I'm a party guy, so I'm going to throw a banger.
Now, I throw a banger. We have two to 300 people at the house. Your quintessential college party funnels, right? We're doing the whole thing. Uh Purdue was very homogenized at that time. We're talking 40,000 students and maybe 2,000 black students.
So pretty much if you played sport like if you're black at that time you were probably an athlete statistically and we throw a party and the cops show up.
I've always kind of been slick with my tongue and was playing the game with the officer because I put signs up on the door said no one under the age of 21 allowed to drink. He's playing the game.
There's underage people here. It's like where are they? Meanwhile, you got all these kids that are like, "The cops are here." Running out of the house. One guy's jumping out of the second story roof and a player tries to like circumvent the officer with me cuz he's like, "You're getting arrested." I'm like, "Why are you arresting me? Like, you don't even have anybody. Like, you're arresting me for throwing a party, but based on what pretense?" Like a noise violation. That's a ticket. This player kind of tries to circumvent the the the arrest the situation and then they tackle him. Now, this is a dude from Philly, uh, big black dude named Eugene Bright. Uh, great guy. Uh, I haven't talked to him in years, played for the Eagles for a little while, but when he's doing that, they tackle him, cold stone him, and start [ __ ] him up while he's on the ground. Now, I'm not cool with this, but also like I'm not the guy that's going to like start trying to fight cops. Like, to to what extent? So, I'm literally telling people stay here and watch this. They arrest Eugene for like assault on an officer. They arrest me and then boom, Purdue's in the headlines again, right?
Another arrest. Purdue athlete, right?
We don't travel to Hawaii. And then Tiller kind of professionally [ __ ] both of us, but more so me cuz I wasn't a starter.
I kind of testify in a roundabout way through like written statement because since the incident happened, the lawyer that was advising me told me, "Hey, you you can't like testify. You're not like credible, this, that, whatever."
But the way that they stacked the deck against me was I initially kind of hired this attorney that had the reputation of representing the players.
And he said, "It's a conflict of interest. I can't represent you." So I knew he got a phone call from someone like, "No, let him fend for himself."
Right? So Jean goes to trial. He wins.
They were wrong. They [ __ ] him up.
They cold saw him. They tackled him.
They did this whole thing.
We're both off the team. Get back on the team for spring ball.
And I get called to Joe Tiller's office and he says, "Have you thought of transferring?"
I was like, "Well, naturally, coach, you like threw me off the team." He's like, "Well, what were your thoughts with that?" It's like, "This is where I want to be. Like, I need to get need to get locked in, right?"
And uh we have a second and a third meeting. They keep me around for a little while. And I just realized that like I might be on the team, but I'm not. So, I need to transfer. Now, all throughout Purdue, I am abusing substances, right? I am passing the drug tests. I know how to play that game, but I'm smoking weed. I have a couple injuries throughout my time there. I had a partially torn labroom, other stuff.
And so, there's always guys in the locker room. I knew that I had like prescription narcotics. I have a prescription. It's low. Like they're not giving me like here's 60 perks, but like oh yeah, here's five. Go back five, right? You know, you play them out. So on and so forth. And so at that point, I had become addicted to prescription narcotics. But also, I know that I love the effect that alcohol and occasionally cocaine produce on my system.
I think it's important to mention because this progression uh of these habits also involved like taking stuff from college drug dealers, right? Because I'd gone to this high school where I'm not like scared of guys. I think a lot of older guys on the team because when you show up to college like you're 18, you got 22, 23 year old men, right? And I was very well accepted. I was received well. They're like, "All right, this kid's strong.
He's fast. He's not a [ __ ] you know?
But also, I kind of saw like the frat kids as [ __ ] right? Cuz I'm like, "This is my frat, the football team, and look at your frat. It's like a bunch of white kids are drinking beers that don't really want to fight." So, naturally, when you're like buying weed or buying a little Coke here or occasionally like mushrooms or something, I'd find out who the guy was. Then I would just burglarize him, right? cuz I'm just another white boy walking through the frat and I knew guys in the frat. So I could be like, "Oh yeah, I'm looking for Tom, right?" But I also know in like Tim's room somewhere in his room he has 6 ounces of shrooms and I'm just going to take that [ __ ] and walk right out >> in front of him or you just see it on the table and you you're pickpocketing.
I I was never like the Debo type guy until I got older cuz I'm not like, you know, I'm not Debo, but also like strategically I knew based on my appearance that I could enter that space, not like a black football player who's yes, a minority, but also a a minority of a minority of a minority on a college campus.
I knew that I could walk in there and always kind of [ __ ] my way out of it. Right.
>> So, you're just casually stealing at this point. Yeah, I'm just casually stealing. You know, you get guys on campus, they maybe they get an ounce of Coke or something, you know, you buy a gram. Okay, maybe buy a gram and then do it with him in the room, right? Then you see where he puts his stash and then just take that, right? Just at a certain point, I'm like, I'm going to take this [ __ ] you know?
>> Do you end up transferring?
>> So, I do end up transferring. Um, when I transfer, I end up at Hofster University and Isn't that a step down Purdue to >> Hofra?
>> So undoubtedly undoubtedly Hofra doesn't even have a football program anymore, right?
>> So you're you're done with football or >> No, they they had it. I was actually the last senior receiver at Hofra. Then they cut the program.
>> So I understand that I I love substances, right? I also before I transferred to Hofra, the first time I did a real oxy, I was back in Hartford at the block party.
And the night I did the oxy, we had gone to a street party and this guy starts throwing peanuts because they had peanuts in the bar. Now there's the bar is packed. This guy's hammered and just throwing penis. Just like throwing him into the crowd. Now, I felt some type of way about this. I felt disrespected.
I don't know if it was ego as much as me wondering why the [ __ ] would you do this?
My girlfriend goes out at the time. She was smoking a cigarette and he does it again. So I go up to the guy like, "Hey, bro, cut that [ __ ] out." Like, "What are you doing?
[ __ ] you."
All right. All right. [ __ ] me.
I tell his boy, "You better cut this [ __ ] out. You're going to have a problem. [ __ ] you. Oh, you [ __ ] ass white boy. Your [ __ ] Lacass shirt.
[ __ ] pretty boy." Talking all this [ __ ] right? cuz you know I I have a comb over. I dress, you know, a little different.
All right. All right. Let it happen again. Let it happen again.
Go back. Having a couple beers with my buddies. Boom. Happens like three minutes later. So I go over to him. I'm like, "You really want a [ __ ] problem?" Some dude snuffs me, hits me.
I had a Heineken bottle in my hand. I grabbed this one dude, literally just held him by the neck and started smashing his head. Ba ba ba ba ba just didn't stop right meanwhile my boys are there John Wayne you know bar style fight and I'm just lacing this dude next thing I know I got three bouncers pulling me out of there literally a patty wagon is waiting right outside of the bar right into the patty wagon boom down to Hartford now I'm sitting there with a shirt just like this with a shirt just like this It was the first time I had been like in this type of environment.
And this dude sitting there in the holding cell is like, "Damn, white boy, you catch a body."
And I'm like, "What?" He like, "Why boy, you catch a body?"
Like, "What are you talking about, bro? Look at your shirt, man. You catch a body. You kill somebody.
I sat there froze.
What if I killed this dude?
I don't know what charges I've been arrested on.
I don't know what's about to happen next.
And my shirt looks very similar to the one I'm wearing.
And I go up into court and they hit me. I think it was with assault second. And I had an attorney there. My family was there.
And at that point, I really didn't know the situation I was in.
So I go through the court system. They reduce the charges. They reduce it to four because they like looked at a camera. They saw that I was hit, that he was fighting. I guess he started fighting the police. whatever. But the disposition of my case is four misdemeanor class A's that comes with probation. Now I'm a collegiate athlete on probation and I'm transferring to a new school. So I show up to Hofra and I'm on probation.
Now I show up to Hofra and on paper it made sense. A lot of receivers had gone through there. I'm a receiver. Marcus Coloulston, Wayne Crebette, the quarterback had just transferred from Wisconsin. Um, a guy named Brian Savage, who's Tom Savage's older brother. Tom Savage played in the league for a number of years. And I'm like, "All right, this makes sense on paper."
I knew that I needed to be decisive and not reactionary. So, I stayed out of the bar scene. It's like, that's not for me.
It's not for me. but also I knew I had like the Pills.
And we just finished Pascal and the quarterback, I won't say which one, gives me a ride home and he's breaking up a perk 30 in the car. He's like, "You [ __ ] with these?"
I'm like, "No, what's that?" It was a blue, right? The Ace K's VS. Now, what's that? It's a perk. Like, oh, perk 30.
Like I had only seen like an oxy 80 and like perk tens. I was like, "No, what?
Like what milligram?" He's like, "Oh, this is a 30, bro. Like you want a little?" And I was like, "No, no, I'm good. I'm good." Cuz I don't know this dude. I'm not trusting. I'm like trying to create a new kind of social circle environment. Really trying to determine what doors to open, what not. Who can you trust? Who is this guy?
That that only lasts so long before I'm like, "Yeah, how much?" Right now, at that time, we're talking 2008. The pills are running rampant through Long Island, South Florida, Long Island, you know, scripts galore, right?
So, I start buying the perks, right? I know that I can get the tens and the fives. You know, you get dinged up. I did have a partially torn labroom. I could play that game. But also, I'm like, man, like so much easier. 20 bucks, right? At that point, I get [ __ ] tore up off one pill.
So, I enter my junior season at Hofra.
It's kind of a disappointing year because that quarterback ends up getting injured.
We uh have a subpar year. There's a lot of pressure on the program really because of the financials of college football. Like, usually it's the only team that actually produces money other than men's basketball on collegiate um you know, teams. And uh I start using the pills a lot more frequently that year.
Um initially started playing well. The program's kind of plummeting. I see that addiction is rampant through the team actually. Like a couple players that I played with there died. A couple players that I played with at Purdue died from overdoses.
But particularly at Hofster at that time with the liberal prescribers, the environment being close to the city, Long Island, a lot of pills. Some guys are from South Florida, so they're picking up, you know, 240 pills through a [ __ ] X-ray they had with football showing up on campus. I'm buying perks for, you know, 102 sometimes perk 30s, right? So at that point, I'm also like trying to hustle. So, I catch myself in like this little scheme where I'm like stealing books out of the bookstore because I'm like and selling them on Amazon.
>> How would you do this?
>> So, so it's interesting particularly because you have a pre-written authorization when you're a scholarship athlete for what books you get, right?
But I would just play the I'm changing a class or whatever, right?
Because they they would they would ask questions, right? But I realized there was no cameras in the bookstore. And I also realized that there's a $260 calculus book right there. And all I have to do is slide that into my pants and wear a baggie shirt.
So I'm like, "All right, I can go in there like twice a week, grab a couple books, and walk right out." So I got 500 bucks a week. I'm not living like a crazy lifestyle, right? My dad would subsidize me, but it wasn't like here's a big fat check. What do you give me, you know, 200, 200 bucks a week, whatever? Like, okay, what do you need?
Okay, but you know, 800 bucks a month from your pops, you know, 500 from the books, what more do I need? If if I'm getting perks for 10, 15 bucks, I can go, you know, go to a bar and grab a couple beers for 20 bucks, right? But that just kind of started that progression because it was like I could get what I needed by any [ __ ] means. And I think that's where my addiction took me. So academically I did really well at Hofra.
I was creative in the sense of like hey if I didn't have the opportunity to study I would cheat.
But also I didn't cheat my way through.
I get academic honor rule all conference honors for academics. They keep me on scholarship, go through my senior year.
And I think the easiest way for me to summarize it is like I graduated with a degree in economics and a minor in pills. Now, the progression of this really is is like I'm close to New York City. My friends are older. They had graduated. Some of them were working on Wall Street. So, I have buddies in the city who have like a means of income. I could pop into the city. I could party hard, you know, go to some of these clubs like we go to Avenue or Beer Garden, whatever, right?
Um, but also like come back to campus and live campus life, right, and navigate that. You know, you had a guest that uh that I had crossed paths with while I'm there, Chris Webbby. Webbby was there. Um, I know some of his social circles. So, there was always like there were drugs on campus. A lot of kids lived off campus. There's pills. So, whatever you wanted, it was there.
I was also never scared to go in the hood because Hoffra is not in the best area.
And I wasn't scared to like go into the hood and find what I needed. You know, there was actually one situation we were in the hood, drive in there, and I'm with two big ass linemen, and they're kind of nervous, right? Right.
They're kind of nervous to like go in here. I'm like, "No, [ __ ] it." Like, "Let's go like roll down this street, this, whatever."
So, we get there. I'm sitting in the back seat. I say, "Keep your windows up.
Let me [ __ ] talk." Right? And I'm not Johnny [ __ ] cool. It's just I know what not to say, right? I know what not to look like. I just, you know, I'm like, "Yo, what up? Yo, what you need?
What you need?" Dude comes up to the car kind of like I see his eyes in the back seat. He's kind of like looking. I'm like, "Oh, damn." But when he leans forward, I also see that he has a gun.
Like, you got perks? Yeah. Yeah. I got you. I got you. I was like, let me see him. He's like, I got him right here. I got him right here. Like, no. No. Let me see him. No. What? What are you talking about? You don't trust me? You don't trust me? Like, bro, this isn't [ __ ] complicated. Show me the [ __ ] pills if you got them. Now, I get it. He might think I'm a cop, but also like I don't look like a cop. At least not then.
Right. And if you got them, show him. Just show me. Show me the pills. Show me the pills.
So I end up pulling out the money. I was like, "Bro, I got the bread. Let me see the pills."
He pulls the pills out, shows me the pills, but he starts leaning in. He's like, "How much you got? How much you got?
He leans into the back seat, tries to take the money, like my the money is on top of my phone. He tries to grab both of them and I just grab him cuz I know this guy got a gun. He could just be like, "Give me that [ __ ] if he wants to." Now, it's happening so fast that doesn't happen.
He leans into the car and I just grabbed him and I tell my buddy to drive. So, we're driving through the hood in Long Island. This dude's hanging out of the car.
My buddy turns around from the back seat and we're just pounding this dude. Bomb bomb. Now, I'm not thinking about all the things that are going on. I'm literally in like fight or flight mode and we're just pounding this dude.
We're not going to like stop and like, okay, like have a good day and my buddy's going like 40 miles an hour, 30 miles an hour down this road. So finally we just like pushed him out of the car and I see this dude just like [ __ ] cartwheeling in back of the car. Now I'm on probation. I'm reporting to a probation officer during all this period. I'm taking drug tests during all this period. I'm playing that game. I know when to dilute my piss uh to take the drink. That way it's, you know, my levels aren't so diluted that it shows there's higher levels of creatine that I have other things in my system that will pass the test even though I'm so incredibly diluted because I just drank a 32 ounce thing of vitamins with a gallon of water and I'm ready to explode because I'm going to [ __ ] my pants. I drank so much water, but I'm just waiting for this piss test. On this flip side of that, I'm hanging out with guys that are working on Wall Street.
On the flip side of that, I'm all conference academic. So, I start living this like deep polarity in my life. And I end up graduating from Hofster, like I said, with a degree in economics and and a minor in pills. And then I enter the real world.
>> And where do you go? Do you go back to Connecticut?
>> So, initially I was trying to get a job working on Wall Street.
The challenge is is I have this record following me.
So, I end up finding a job in Connecticut working for an asset management firm and I was like, "Okay, I don't want to work with individual clients." Like, I don't want to explain to Tom and Sally why we should buy Apple stock, right? Like, I don't want to get into that. I don't want to get into the [ __ ] weeds. I want to work with institutions, you know, uh, people that understand money and how to navigate choppy waters in financial markets.
um but also try to keep up with the S&P index, right? That's that's kind of like the benchmark that all these guys are trying to beat, right? Most of them don't. So, I get this job and I'm like, "All right, [ __ ] it. This guy will allow me to get my series 6 and my series 7 because you need those tests in order to either trade or to manage assets."
I find a firm. The guy says he's willing to sponsor me, put in one year, and I grind it out there for like 11 months. Now, I go down to Palm Beach because a bunch of my buddies are from that area, North Palm Jupiter. And the boss, the owner of the firm says that he wants to meet me. Now, I'm a little nervous because I'm like, well, why does he want to meet me? Like, what do what are we going to talk about?
They had just done background screenings on everyone at the firm because they were getting audited from some regulator, maybe the SEC, I'm not sure.
but he wants to meet me now. I'm down in Palm Beach. I was never a Xanax guy. We go out on the boat with some guys from North Palm and I take Xanax. Everybody's like, "Take it. [ __ ] it. Take it. Take it." I black out. I lose my phone. I wake up like five hours later on my buddy's mom's couch.
Apparently, I acted like a fool. But also, I don't have a phone.
I can't call Mr. Wodssworth.
What am I going to do? We didn't have like everything wasn't as technologically advanced it is now where you just pop in your contacts pop call.
So I call the office. I miss this. I missed this meeting. He wanted to take me out on his yacht, I guess. And within one week of being back, I lose that job.
He's like, "You lied to us about your record." I was like, "Well, you never asked." He's like, "No, you lied to us."
Now, this guy is an interesting character. He requires the team to call him captain, right?
Yes, captain. I understand, captain.
I'll make that I'll make that trade.
Yes, captain. Like, if you didn't respond to him that way, he would lose his [ __ ] But I lose that job.
I end up getting another job.
I end up losing that job. Now I'm fully addicted to pills at this point too.
I've also lived this polarized lifestyle. And so at this point I have connections because at that point they had come out with new pills. There was no more oxies, right? They had come out with the ops, not the OC's. And you if you went to break them up and snort them, they'd be gel. And you couldn't smoke them. And you couldn't abuse the substance. If you took it normally, you would still get the effect. But I became fixated like on process. And I think that was kind of the process that I always loved in my life. I'm a very process driven person. Like when I find something I like, I'm all in. Right? If you have mango Celsius, I only want mango Celsius. If you have citrus zins, I only want citrus zins. I will drive 10 more miles to get my citrus zins. as opposed to taking them in.
And so my point being is I'm living this polarized life. I know what I like and don't like. I can't abuse these pills.
What's my next best option? Well, my next best option is to get the pills that I want, right? I know I like the A's, keys, or V A's, K's, or V's, right?
They were the blues. I didn't like the M boxes. They were the white ones.
I have connections. I end up selling pills. But as I'm going through this, yes, I have money through work. I have this baggage of my past following me around like a ball and chain, but also I'm living beyond my means because I don't have my licenses at this point. So, you know, you might be making 70k, right? After tax, it only goes so far.
And the way I like to drink and party that get you far at all.
So at this point I end up landing another job. I'm also coping probably like you know 50 to 100 perks at a time coming up to Connecticut selling them on the side trying to use that to subsidize my bad habits. Trying to like be operationally efficient like entrepreneurally.
But naturally, my addiction just keeps progressing.
I get another job, end up losing that job as well.
And I don't know what to do now. I had never lived at home, right?
From sixth grade, I was at school. High school, I was at school. College, I was at college. Now, I'm at this point where my money's [ __ ] up. I don't have the license I need. I'm trying to progress like in a a legitimate career also living this polarized lifestyle and I move home and I end up landing a job in Wall Street in the city and again just like my arrival at Purdue this is my moment finally the door opened maybe the gift of gab and my willing to work willingness to work hard is why I have this opportunity So, I start working down at an investment bank down in New York and I'm living this lifestyle. Now, New York City is a buffet of options, right? So, whatever you want, you can have at any time. If you say the right thing to the right person at the right time, the doors will open.
I'm thinking that this is going to be a change in mindset. I'm thinking this is going to be new, the change of location.
And I don't know a lot of people. My buddies, not all my buddies on Wall Street still live there. A guy I went to Avon Old Farms with who played football at Dartmouth was there. We were going to be roommates. Like literally plan everything out in my mind that makes sense. I start working at this investment bank, but this ball and chain is is following me about the prior arrest of beating that guy up. And my habit is progressing.
So, I'm working at this investment bank.
I'm living in Chelsea.
Loving New York. Think this is going to be a new shift. Didn't end up with that roommate, right? Didn't end up with that roommate who I concocted in my mind would be great cuz like he's he doesn't drink. Super into fitness, highlevel operator, does phenomenally well for himself now and was doing really good at the time. And I knew he's predictable. I know he's predictable and he's a good guy because we used to hang out and he always loved D-Rock. Drock. That was my nickname. Drock. Yeah, he's D-Rock's in town. So, I end up with two other random roommates and I'm working at this investment bank. It's everything's progressing and I'm also living this double life.
I make some connections in the city. I can hustle on the side. I can bring pills up to Connecticut. I can go out whenever I want. I'm making better money. my work isn't accelerating and I resort more to like this theft mentality by any [ __ ] means necessary.
At one point I had staged a burglary with my roommates.
I had paid him in rent uh paid I had staged a burglary with my roommates. I had paid the owner of the apartment in cash who was living there. I knew that he was going to put the cash in his room.
I had a roommate that was from France and I knew that because he was doing, you know, a visa situation, he probably didn't want to go to the police.
And I had stages burglary, took all the money, took the credit cards.
I had posted a bunch of things online, items for sale on Craigslist, but I would wait until someone actually called me for the item to buy it, right?
Because I didn't have like where was I going to bring these TVs back to my apartment. So, I steal the money. I go and buy pills thinking I can flip that.
I get the credit cards. Sold like five TVs on Craigslist and literally people would get it. I'd be like, "Oh yeah, meet me at here." I'd literally just roll the TV out of Best Buy in Manhattan and put that [ __ ] in the car and get like 600 bucks, you know? But that was like that mindset, right? It was that mindset of like, "No, dude. These are your roommates and they're actually nice guys." But it was like, "Well, I'm also making this amount of money and eating at [ __ ] two bros every night cuz my addiction's rampid." I mean, dollar slices of [ __ ] pizza making good money should be perfectly fine to like go out once a night, but you're doing at a minimum of $100 a day in pills, sometimes 500.
You don't you don't have enough money to make this work. So, what are you going to do? What are you going to do? So, I end up getting arrested for that, actually.
>> For the robbing your roommates or just >> Yeah, the burglary. So, it's actually interesting and I'm glad I did because I had met some guys in New York that were going to give me a key for $800 and I knew I could flip that at the time. I don't I don't like I'm sober 11 years. I don't know what a Kia code costs now and I spent a lot of time in Colombia so I'm sure it's a lot cheaper there. Um, but I was like, "All right, this is a quick flip 12,400.
Move it." Right.
I had also had a guy a large pill connected Dominican and I had a guy who's who's incarcerated now coming down to grab a key and get a bunch of pills. And I'm thinking, all right, I'm just going to middleman this.
I'm just going to middleman this. It's going to be smooth.
So, my roommates are in the apartment.
Unbeknownst to me, they have kind of figured out what I did in a roundabout way. I still don't know how, but I was about to go meet this guy that was coming down from Connecticut.
And my roommate is like, "No, no, no.
You should wait. You like hang out."
Like, I'm like, "Well, why?" He's like, "The owner of the building is going to come because he has surveillance footage." Now, I didn't want to be like, "Nah, [ __ ] that. I don't care because if they think that I'm not willing to see the footage to see who the actual criminal is that they're going to think it's me. They already knew.
So I'm like, I got to go, right? Cuz the guy was there. He was in Manhattan. Yo, I'm here. I'm here. Where you at? I don't want to tell them where I live. I walk downstairs.
Two guys were standing by a car right outside the apartment. I forget what precinct it was in Chelsea.
But my roommate's like, "That's him.
That's him." Now, I don't know who these guys are. They're not dressed like cops.
They're the D's, right? They look normal. That's him. That's him.
What the [ __ ] are you talking about?
This That's That's me. What are you talking about? They come up to me. Derek Benson.
Nah. No. Who are you? Are you Derek Benson? That's him. That's him. That's him. My roommate.
Are you Derek Benson? Yeah. Yeah. Why?
Come with us. Boom. Turn me around.
Throw me in cuffs. Throw me in the back.
They take me to the interrogation room.
I forget what precinct it was. And start asking me questions. We have you on camera. No, you don't. I was always relatively smart when I did this. Like I was wearing a hoodie and a hat and like would keep my face low and like trying to play that whole camera game because I'm that brash to go into like a Best Buy, right? Like no you don't. No you don't. I didn't do anything, so I don't know what you're talking about.
Okay. Okay. You want to play that game?
You want to play that game? My cell phone rings and it's the guy that's I'm supposed to meet to go get the pills and the coke. Yo, where the [ __ ] are you? Uh I'm like like, "Bro, this ain't the time. This ain't the time." Right. Who's that? Who's that?
No one. No one. It was It was a buddy that I was supposed to meet, right? All right. Well, we're going to need to trade your phone over. You got nothing to say. I I got nothing to say. Nothing to talk about. So they send me to the tombs. Get locked up. They send me to the tombs. I'm there hold in and holding.
All right. This is a different animal.
You know, you you you were at at Harford below the court, but this is a different animal, right?
I don't know what the future holds at this point.
I don't know what they have and don't have, but I know that I'm arrested, and I know that Monday I'm supposed to be back at work.
I know that this guy just drove down from Connecticut and I'm also supposed to, you know, meet the connect.
I get the call naturally, foxhole, call my mom, foxhole prayer, right?
That's when I That's when you start believing God. You know, it's always interesting to me when guys get locked up, right? When guys get locked up. Oh, now you now you believe in God. Now, now there's a higher power. Yeah. Cuz your ass is against the wall, man. Now, who you praying to now? You weren't you weren't all religious when you were out there doing what you were doing, making this foxhole. God, please. I'll never do this again. I'll never do it again. And meaning it. Actually meaning it.
My mom ends up getting this bail bondsman. It's like two o'clock in the morning. I'm thinking I'm gonna maybe spend some time there. You know, I only had one call with her. They call me out.
I get brought out and this guy walks into the courtroom. Man, this guy has a [ __ ] swagger. I'll tell you this, Ian. If you ever need a bail bondsman in Manhattan, this is the man. His name is Ira Judson. Ira Judson is a [ __ ] G.
Ira Judles knows how to navigate the court system unlike any bail bondsman I've ever seen. He's worked with DMX.
He's worked with Lil. He's worked with all these guys. I don't know how my mom found this guy and convinced this guy to get out of his bed at 2 maybe 12 2 a.m.
I don't know. The time, you know, time just [ __ ] escapes you. When I got out, it was [ __ ] pitch blackout and it was after midnight. But Ira Jlesson personally came. I don't know what the design of that was, but he he gets me out.
I meet him. He tells me one thing. Kid, keep your [ __ ] head on straight.
Okay.
Okay. So, I get out.
I can't go back to the apartment. What am I going to do? Can't it it's it's, you know, at this it's Sunday. Do I go to work? What do I do? So, I go back to work. Within like four weeks, I lose my job. I have another pending case now.
And that's really when like the addiction was progressing, but also that's when it was like, "Bro, you ain't coming out of this one. You ain't coming out of this one. This is Manhattan, brother." Right? You already have this prior conviction. Okay. Yeah.
You got in a fight, college kid, whatever. Now you have this.
What are you going to do? So, I lose my job and I move back home >> to Connecticut.
>> Yeah. And I have it convinced in my head that I operationally because I'm not a dumb guy. I have it in my mind that I can just do what I was doing at the investment bank by myself because I pick up the phone. I can talk to people. I understand conceptually what we're trying to do. But the polarity of my lifestyle didn't allow me to do that.
And as we say in prison, you're ass betting, right? You got you got nothing.
You got no commie and you're [ __ ] betting on [ __ ] You got no you got no bread on the books and you're betting but you you got nothing to back it up.
And that's what I was doing in the real world. I was ass betting with everything making promises you know selling myself convincing somebody and then I would never follow through. So I moved back to Connecticut. This is about 2013 and naturally the only things that I know can make me money are the things that I did as side hustles in the past. Whether it's stealing a book or finding a drug dealer and then robbing him or burglarizing him uh of of you know trying to uh sell drugs of whatever whatever it is whatever scheme that I could concoct whatever was of easy access to make money.
So, I move home and I'm living this double life shortly and then it just became purely one lane which was just addiction.
>> What happened to the Manhattan case?
I hired this attorney named Mark Better.
And I liked Mark because I'd interviewed a couple attorneys prior to retaining one. And some of their advice I always have to be skeptical of because some of them are like, "Well, just own it. Like you have an addiction problem, this, this, and this." And I meet Mark and Mark's like, "All right." Like I tell him straight up, he's like, "Why would a guy that's working in an investment bank that played division one athletics, yes, you got arrested for a fight, but like why is a guy that has your resume in this situation?"
And I had said to him, "Oh, well, you know, the thing about it is, Derek, why is a guy who graduated with an economics degree, all conference honors, like why is a guy working on Wall Street in this situation? You didn't create fraud. You didn't create some scheme. This isn't like some elaborate. This is like lowlevel [ __ ] scheming stuff. Why?
I have an addition I have an addiction to to painkillers. I told him it's like I have an addiction to painkillers, Mark. He's like, you need to get that figured out. You need to get that figured out. It's like, well, how?
He had his assistant there who was also an attorney and he gave me some places to reach out to. So, I'd gone to the Albert Ellis Institute. Right now, in my mind, I'm not trying to get sober. I'm literally smoking opanas in the basement of the Albert Ellis Institute, right? One of the fathers of of, you know, effective emotional behavior, cognitive therapy, CBT, right? I'm getting high in this institute and then going to meet with this guy just to check the box for paperwork. He's like, "We're going to keep this as a backup. We're not going to play this card. I want to see the video.
We go to a court date. He comes back.
He's like, there's no video.
What do you mean? There's no video.
They said there's a Derek.
Don't get stuck in addiction. There's no video. Your case is dismissed because it was the 90day. They have 90 days to indict you, right? And I vividly remember he said, "Listen, kid. They can indict a [ __ ] ham sandwich in New York. So don't do anything stupid.
You got to go to this Albert Ellis Institute, get some help for your addiction because they can indict a ham sandwich." You understand me? Now, I didn't know what the [ __ ] he meant, but he's basically saying they can indict anyone. They will bend, play, whatever you they want to indict you, they'll indict you. Now, Connecticut, different system. They don't need to indict you, right? It's you against the state right off the bat. You don't need to be grand jury indicted. But it never came about because they had 90 days to indict me.
They didn't indict me. So, I walk free.
Now, I probably should have faced the consequences for my actions throughout these times time periods, but I didn't.
And I was super happy. And naturally, the Albert Ellis Institute was a wash. I moved back to Connecticut and like I had said I I was selling drugs and stealing and burglarizing and doing all these criminal things.
>> Does it end up catching up to you >> naturally? That's the one thing I could say through my time in prison, my time sober, my experience in life, it always catches up to you. You just really never know how and you never really know when.
when it caught up to me is when I was living in Connecticut. I start burglarizing a lot. A lot.
I'm still burglarizing my drug dealers.
Certain things I still from a place of security am scared to share because I can only think how that person feels by being in that situation or how I would feel in that situation. And I probably, if I wasn't on the mental, physical, and spiritual trajectory that I am, would resort to anger and resentment and retribution.
But I would burglarize homes and businesses, steal gold, steal anything that had value. Um, naturally, you know, businesses, I think, are always a more challenging grab than than um houses because there's not as many tangible items. Like unless if you go steal like 100 TVs, right? And then how do you transport them? For me, there's greater risks. But my mind's stuck in this space because at this point now it's $100 a day just to feel good. Two to30 to get how I want to. And if we have a [ __ ] field day I'm going 56 700 bucks, right?
>> And one day you would spend on drugs.
>> Yeah. I mean perk 30s were going 30 bucks. And I told you I'm a process driven guy. So I want my perk 30s. I don't want dope. At the time they actually had real dope. The fentanyl bags were starting to come out. But like I didn't like that. I liked the process in ritualization of smoking a pill, of having the pen, of having the lighter, of chasing the dragon, blowing the smoke out through my nose. I was fixated on the ritualization of smoking pills. Now, you could look at the science be like, dude, that's literally the worst way you could do the pill. But it was the process that I was obsessed with. And so 500 plus dollars a day, easy. Was it every day? No. Some days I was scraping to pull 100 bucks, right? But at the end of the day, that's 35K a year. Mommy ain't like I got to say this, like mommy ain't giving me money.
She would give me money, but it wasn't that type of family dynamic where people want to be like, "Oh, you get money from your parents?" Like, no. Like, like I was lucky if I could get a hundred bucks out of her.
>> What about your dad?
>> My dad at this point, since he was older, had Parkinson's, neuropathy, and Alzheimer's, so I knew that his income was being monitored. And there were times where I would do some schemes like with my dad, but my brothers caught on to it, you know. Uh there were times where I would like forge checks and and do that whole, you know, that whole game, you know, put the tape on the check, hold it up to the window, resign the signature over their signature, and that type of stuff. And I had done that more so with people that are close to me because I was like, well, they're not going to tell on me.
They're not going to turn me in, right?
At the end of the day, my dad's dying from a degenerative disease.
My mom is raising my younger sister who at this point is in high school.
And I come back to the house in 2013 and I'm bringing all this ruckus. Bringing all this ruckus. I'm not showing up as a man for my father. I'm not showing up for a father figure for my sister because my sister's father died most likely of an overdose when she was really young. So, she kind of grew up a single parent household even though my father and other male figures like my grandfather had stepped in.
But I'm bringing all this chaos and my dad's dying and my addictions it's getting out of hand. You know, I look back and people would say I don't live with regrets.
Well, I'll tell you this much. I live with a lot of stuff inside of here that I wish I would have been of right mind to do differently to show up and be available in the world differently with people.
Right? I can remember my grandfather had some type of stroke. He was in ICU and they said he was brain dead.
And all I could think about because I was in New Britain was going to my drug dealer.
All I could think about this man's laying brain dead in a bed and all I'm thinking about is when I get out of here. When I get out of here, I asked to be alone in the room.
And I took the morphine out of his drip.
I literally ended up grabbing a cup, undid the uh the IV, and put the remaining part of his morphine into a cup because all I could see was my next drug, my next pill, my next dollar. I would literally look at people in the eye and look at every other part of them to monetize them. You know, if I steal Ian's watch, if I steal his oop, I got 200 bucks I can get high. Look at women. That wedding ring, that's probably like seven grand, 10 grand.
Man, that duff, that diamond, they can't trace a diamond. Pop that out of that ring. Got five Gs. Okay, get by for two, three weeks maybe. Maybe if I could manage it. But just like the selling the drugs, I could never manage any amount of money. Couldn't manage my life. So, my dad's dying, my grandfather dies, I'm causing ruckus. I'm burglarizing, setting up drug dealers, anything and everything I can to get money.
And I get caught in a particular string of burglaries. Now, it's kind of funny that this particular string of burglaries involves golf clubs, right? They had called me the golf club bandit.
The golf club bandit. When I got in prison, they were like, "MAN, THAT'S THE WHITEST [ __ ] I EVER HEARD, MAN. Golf clubs. You got you stealing golf clubs?"
I mean, yeah, maybe. Cuz they were putting it in the news. It was newsworthy, right? Who the [ __ ] steals golf clubs?
Well, for me, yeah, I stole golf clubs.
Yeah, I had a codefendant. Yeah, there was a lot of other bad things that I had done that I haven't been caught for that I could have done a lot of time for and the D's were showing up when I was in prison asking me question like bro I'm already here like we got nothing to talk about man we got nothing like what what do we talk about what you you already got me on like five burglaries you're hitting me with a warrant every other week because people are reporting their golf clubs stolen right like now you're talking about burglar iz in this house, this business, this like I'm not going to like I'm not stupid, but also I have a codefendant, right? His dad was a well-known doctor here in Connecticut. He posts the 350 straight up. He gets out, they arrest me, and I'm in your your standard prisoners dilemma. So, you know, one of the questions you might have is like, what does going into prison look like? Well, they arrested my codefendant first, right? And it's interesting because I didn't know he was arrested and we were literally planning on robbing a drug dealer that day.
Like my boy had the gun. We were in Planeville. I knew exactly where it was going to be. I knew the setup. I was going to be the sucker white boy. He was going to roll up to the car with the gun, do the whole thing. We had known this dealer had just cpped like 200 perks and that he was on his way up. And I get a call from my codefendant, not only telling me about his case, but also because he was still getting high telling me that this individual had just gotten pulled over and he was like three miles down the road. And I'm thinking in my head, man, like imagine if he just sober. I'm thinking, man, if he just came three miles down the road, like I'd be facing a lot more time, right? Facing a lot more time. So they run a thing on on the news, a man stealing golf clubs throughout Glastonberry, West Arbor, whatever, dressed for the nines.
>> What would you guys do? How would you steal the the golf clubs?
>> Dude, think about this. Like you you go into these socioeconomic cities that that are higher class. You go into these socioeconomic areas where houses are 700, a million, two million. People don't close their garage.
They just rolled in the house, right?
The garage is wide open. You could have a $4,000 bicycle, $10,000 bicycle, $2,700 set of clubs. Why am I going to rob a bank? I'm going to run into a bank, maybe with a gun. It doesn't even matter if you have a gun. If they say that they felt threatened, you It's the same thing based on on how the court interprets it. Like, how are they going to prove if you had a gun or not if you didn't pull it? I felt threatened. So, I'm going to do three to five years for one bank. Maybe they stack them. Then I'm exposing myself to federal time. I could just park my car two blocks away, walk over to Jerry's house, and roll out of there with a $6,000 bicycle.
Sounds a lot easier, a lot less pressure. I'm going to walk out with his golf clubs. Maybe this guy has like a custom Tiger Woods putter that he paid $1,000 for. I'm just going to take this down the street to this golf outlet. I'm going to sell this thing for 400 bucks right off the rip.
And then I got the whole other set. So for me it was just like the path of least resistance, right? Work smarter, not harder. I'm not an advocate for doing crime, but sometimes these people do all these super elaborate, intricate, violent things, and it's like, dude, I got 30k just walk parking my car two blocks away and walking up to a house.
You're doing all this other stuff, you know? How much do you think you made total on the golf clubs that they busted you for and arrested you for?
>> Well, how much I had because it was all it was all on drugs. But throughout throughout that time >> or what are they saying? What did they charge you?
>> Well, that's that's the interesting thing. Um, right. Because you look at that paperwork and you're like, "Fuck, man. What you come up with 20K?" Like, how the [ __ ] is 20,000 like I got like 10k, 12k, you know? Um, I don't know the exact dollar figure to be completely honest. There was maybe seven or eight particular burglaries related to that.
Naturally, I'm getting flagged in the system. So, they're looking into all my pawn transactions. They're looking into all things. Um, gold wholesalers also report at that time because I was like, well, the key for me at this point if I get gold is to sell it to a wholesaler because I know that typically they get a certain quantity and they melt it down and I know the gold price I know the spot price is higher right now. So, this is the time for me to go after gold, not golf clubs, right? Uh, you know, gold is probably $5,000 an ounce, if not close to it now. At the time, I think it was like 2,600 was near like all-time highs, right? So, like I'm thinking, okay, this is a better time to do this type of burglary than this one or this is my fastest of money today because I only have this much money. But, you know, the golf clubs, I don't know. I mean, it had to be close to 20, 30 grand somewhere around there. Um, you know, there was ATVs that they didn't get me for, like all this other stuff. But let's just say at that point, if it if we say it was one year, my use would probably be a solid $400 a day, right? So over 100K.
>> So they arrest you.
>> They arrest my codefendant. I'm in this prisoner's dilemma. They're looking for me and I end up calling them and telling them that I'm going to turn myself in.
So, I turned myself in the night before because I was jumping around because they knew where my license was, right?
The night before I stayed with a with a buddy. It's also important to mention that like before this arrest, they hit my mom's house with a search warrant.
They broke in her door. They're looking for all these golf clubs, right? They're thinking they're going to find this stash of like everything and anything.
Like I wasn't like that stupid, right?
They actually found my golf clubs and then charged me with that. But it's enough to get a warrant sign. Like you know this game. Like it's not hard to get a warrant sign. It's not hard to get a warrant sign. So they get the warrant signed. I turn myself in. I know that I have this addiction. The night before I'm looking for as many suboxins as I can because I know when I get locked up, I know that I'm going to withdraw.
And you know, Celsius plug, you know, they don't give a [ __ ] what you're withdrawing from, man. Kick rocks. Like, unless you're about to die, bro. You You ain't seen the dock, right?
Fill out fill out the paperwork, put it in the write a counselor letter, right?
So, I end up getting about 20 25 subs.
I know the charade's over. I know I'm turning myself in. This guy that I was with is like, "Bro, you better buy some new sneakers, man." He's like, "You're gonna be wearing those ninja slippers."
Ninja slippers? [ __ ] You're talking about n I can't get sneakers in print.
What the [ __ ] You think you're going to they're going to have computers now? I get jealous sometimes when when you or some of the guys talk about their fed time with cell phones and this. I'm like, man, like you do not want to go to state. Like, I don't care if it's nice or whatever. like you don't you don't have [ __ ] cell phones or computer.
Like so I get a pair of sneakers. I get 20 subs. I'm staying with this guy at this apartment. I find out this is probably not the place I should stay because the woman who owns the apartment two weeks prior baby was killed.
I'm in New Britain. I'm just like this is my life.
So my mom ends up picking me up. We grab a little food. I go back with her. I go turn myself in. I boof the 20 subs.
I'm like, "All right." I say goodbye to my sister. She falls asleep. I didn't wake her up cuz I didn't want to. And my mom drives me to the Glastonbury Police Department.
>> What' they formally charge you with?
>> So, initially I was charged with burglaries. They couldn't prove certain things. So, what they do is they just stack the deck, right? So you have burglary, conspiracy for burglary, lararseny, conspiracy for lararseny. So at this point, I think I had maybe six cases. So I'm facing 24 charges, right?
They knew that my codefendant had bonded out. I think what they were trying to do is naturally create their prisoners dilemma, right? Uh but also he was a lot younger. He didn't have a criminal record. And they're like, we're just going to put a little pressure on this kid and he'll squeal. Now, I was never dumb enough to fully tell this individual anything and everything, but like we were getting high together. He knew, right? But also, what he didn't know is all this other stuff that I was involved in as well.
So, I'm charged with, let's say, 24 charges initially, all burglaries and conspiracies for burglaries. I show up there, I got the 20 subs, and then I go into Harford Correctional.
Naturally, my bond is high. I think initially it was 350.
So I get sent to the blocks which thank God like I hear some of these stories about the dorm life. Like dude I couldn't do it. I really could not do it. Guys farting the the [ __ ] like right like all the games and stuff like that. Like I'm not Johnny tough guy but I'm a guy that that I want respect.
Right. I want respect. Just respect.
This is our home. Treat it like your [ __ ] home. Well the reality is yeah I see where your home is over in this part of Harford or Bridgeport or wherever.
So, I know how you live. So, I'm not going to expect you to live differently because you're in here. Luckily, I'm in the blocks. But this is my first experience in jail, right? I get in, I have the subs. I know a I can I can wean myself off of the opioid addiction and all the other substances that I'm using and abusing, but also this is my currency, right? Because at this point, my mom was in a situation where I won't say she was like living paycheck to paycheck, but like I had taken money from her and I had left our family in a really bad situation because I did need an attorney.
>> How long do you get stuck there for? Do you ever get bonded out?
>> No. the death the they never allowed me that opportunity because initially I had like the 24 charges. Let's just say it it's it was a lot and 24 would be less not more. I'm not like reaching here, but every two weeks for the first, let's say, eight weeks I was there, six weeks, six weeks. I got hit with a warrant.
You know, you got court today. That's the worst. You got court today. No, I don't. Bonnkey's like, "Bro, you got a warrant." I'm like, "The [ __ ] that?
What do you mean, bro? You got a warrant. If you don't got court and you're going to court, you got a warrant." Now, I'm fearful. Not so much of like being in prison, but like cuz I can navigate.
It's very similar to like boarding school, only grown men who have have some rough experiences, right?
But but I don't know how to like navigate the space with like using the toilet, hanging the sheet, putting the slide in the window when you're using the bathroom so the CO doesn't see you when you're taking a [ __ ] getting hit with a warrant. All right, so I go to court, get hit with a warrant. That's happening when I'm first there. Um, and I just I got hit with multiple warrants like the first 6 weeks. So, at this point, I have over 30 35 charges roughly because they're bringing like four every time, right?
Um, admittedly, I'm getting packed up when I'm there because of confrontations.
Um, I'd written the counselor, for instance, to get a legal call cuz I I needed to call an attorney cuz the phone calls are recorded. She's ignoring me.
Um, I refused to leave her office because I'm like, "You're not giving me a legal call. Like, I am legally I wrote you this many days ago. You didn't call me here for a legal call. This is not right. This is not right."
Um, so I'm getting all these warrants, getting all these charges, and people see this, right? People see this like, damn, what the [ __ ] does this dude do?
Like, usually you get hit on one charge, you're there, you know, you go to your court date, you know your court date, they hit you every 30 days, go through the process, right? But I'm going like non-stop. So naturally, people are like, "Oh, this motherfucker's a rat, right?
Oh, he's he's talking to the police."
Stupid people. Like they're they're not they're not like thinking this through, right? And that's not everyone. It's not to say every guy's dumb, but you know how that prison thought process is, right? A lot of fearbased, a lot of like ignorance, right? Like prison's not a [ __ ] cool place. Like it's not like you're not hanging out with the winners, right? Right. Um and so I'm learning how to navigate that space.
I'm getting hit with these warrants. I'm getting into like more not so much confrontation with inmates but like with staff and administration because I'm process I'm process right you locked the cells 10 minutes early why I was going to make a phone call cuz I did I'm I'm the CEO no dude like there's there's no fight there's no reason that's [ __ ] right I would just say that like if you're going to do your job just do your job like ethically do it right. Like don't try to like poke at inmates. I don't understand. I never understood why some cos like that, right? Maybe if I had a boring job like that, I might do it too. I don't know.
But I feel like I probably would be cool with most people and lose lose my job.
So I'm in there for the six weeks. I'm selling the suboxins.
I'm withdrawing. I start playing basketball. I end up meeting some guys that I know through some other guys. So like there was some camaraderie. Um Oh, you know this dude? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.
right? Like not not super cool, but like this guy comes up to me and he's like, "Man, what's a pretty white boy like you doing in here?" And I thought he was being gay. I was like, "What the [ __ ] do you mean?"
He's like, "Pretty white boy with a comb over, man, you a lick." And I got mad, Ian. I got so mad. I got so mad. What do you What do you mean I'm a lick, bro?
White boy looking like you. you are a lick.
And he was right. I was a [ __ ] lick.
He called me on my [ __ ] They say if you want to get an addict mad, tell him the truth.
Well, he told me the truth.
I go back to the cell, come out for dinner. He says, "Write the counselor.
You should go to AA. We do a meeting."
So, I wrote her and I got to a couple AA meetings. Now, I like to respect the traditions of the 12step community. I think they're very important, which involves not throwing out their names, but also I have great respect for that community and the camaraderie. In that meeting, I was with so many guys that looked so different than me, but we all had a similar story. We all had similar experience. We all had been licked by the grips of addiction, just in different ways. And you got OG's in there who've been playing that game in and out, in and out, in and out, right, their whole life.
And they can't escape the grip of addiction. And these guys were bringing this meeting inside from the outside.
And I felt some sense of camaraderie, that camaraderie that I felt when I played sports. The camaraderie that I sought through active addiction. We're team, we all use. the camaraderie I had in finance, the camaraderie that I had in all these other aspects that my whole life that I craved.
So, I get hit with all these warrants.
I'm getting packed up because of altercations, right? People are trying to test you or the CEO, one bunky I had tested me. Um, he called me a rat, but he was in fact a rat. And I had told a guy that was facing a manslaughter charge. He had had me check his TV cuz sometimes they'll give the rat a television, but they'll scrape the numbers. And so he's like, "Find out." I was like, "I need you to find out his ID." So they did that through the laundry guy, right? You pass that information. I find out that his TV's been scratched. That that's not his TV. I find the other things. They set him up. So my bunky was the rat. And so I had confronted him about it. Not in like a gangster way, like in a diplomatic way. I think that's the key that a lot of guys that haven't done time is if you show respect, I don't care if you're like the most gangster dude in the world or if you know you're low-level charges.
If you approach people and give them allow them to maintain their dignity and just show them respect, look them in the eyes, often times you'll get that back.
And if not, you can better understand within yourself of like where they're coming from. Why is this dude so angry?
Hey man, I didn't mean to come at you like that. Like I'm not trying to be disrespectful.
So I'm in this situation with this VJO, right? That's what everyone call him, VJO. He's the barber, but he's also slippery. He's talking to the police. He has the TV. He has the other things.
So I said to him, I said, ' Be a ho.
What a white boy. Now the funny thing is is my last name is Benson. That's what everyone's called me my whole life, Benson. From the name tag in military school till today, you know, Benson.
But the black guys and the Spanish guys never really understood my name because the Spanish guys, they give you the nickname, right? So, Benson, Benny, hey, Benny. Hey, Benny. And then the black dudes don't know what the Spanish dudes are saying. They think they're calling me Vinnie.
So, then my name in prison's Vinnie.
I had a prison named Vinnie. That's what everyone called me. And I'm the only white boy that could dunk a basketball at the time. So, I'm hooping. I'm gambling. This white boy with a comb over, you know, different Vinnie. Everyone starts doing Vinnie.
Vinnie. Yo, Vinnie. Yo, what up? Right.
So, it's funny because I'm with this VJO. He's like, what are you saying, Vinnie? I'm like, hey, I I got to talk to you about something. So, I had made some soup. I cut up some cheese, made some sausage, broke some bread with him, right? Sat down on the stool. We had the hot pot. I made him a meal. Had the shebangs, right? Made him a little gumbo.
And I said, "VJo, what's up?" He's like, "Oh, nothing." So, we're talking. I'm like, "Man, I got to bring something to you, and I'm not trying to come at you sideways. All right, just hear me out.
I've had a couple guys here come at me about you, and I don't want any situations here for myself.
But if I don't address this, then I might act out in a way that I don't want to act out or could compromise my situation or our situation. So, I need you to be real with me. So, he's eating.
And I was like, why is there a different number on your TV than your actual number?
He gets super defensive.
Like, chill, papa. Chill.
No. What are you calling me? A cop? You calling me? You think I'm the police?
Right. So, I'm already like, all right, this ain't going well. So then he stands up and I'm just sitting there and I'm like, man, I'll mop this. Like I'm off of the suboxones at this time. I'm withdrawing. I'm hooping. I'm playing ball. I'm feeling good. I know that unless this dude stabs me or something, I'm going to mop this dude up, right?
Anyone could win any fight at any given day, but like by and large, 90% of the time this is going to be clean. So, I don't feel deeply threatened, but he keeps getting loud, and that kind of triggers me, right? So, then I stand up.
We're face to face. We get into a little scuffle. I just arm bar him, lock him up, right? I'm like, "You better chill the [ __ ] out." Everyone else on the block can hear this. They're like, "Oh, boom." Banging on the wall. Yeah. Yeah.
Get his ass. Get his ass, Vinn. You better [ __ ] him up, man. He's the police. So, everyone starts chirping everything that they think, but no one wanted to address it. I tried to do in a diplomatic way and he got crazy. So I lock him up and tell him, "Chill the [ __ ] out." So then I push him off, right? He falls. I'm like, "Bro, you need to chill cuz this is going to get ugly."
So he gets up and he's pissed and I'm pissed because it didn't need to be like that.
But also, where does it go from here?
This is my first time in prison. I don't know. I don't know what this guy has to lose. They say never fear a man more than a man that has nothing left to lose. Right? So, you never want to undermine or underestimate a man who feels like he has nothing left to lose.
In other words, if you're doing 65 years, what do you care if you catch another body? I don't know what this guy has. We're in the blocks. This is the most highly secure area in Harford Correctional. We're on West Third, infamous for all high bond type guys, right? And I got this dude.
So that night, I didn't sleep. They don't have shanks in there, right? Like they check the screws on the windows.
Like they're checking everything and anything, right? So I just have a pen.
I'm literally sitting up in the corner of my bed. I know when they pop the cells, I'm just going to refuse to be locked back up that they're going to call the Ninja Turtles, right? They come, right? They come in there, get on the ground. Right?
I had already had this experience a couple times. So, I'm like, "All right, I'm not going to risk it. Lock me up."
What do I care? Send me to Seg.
Honestly, I thought Seg was way more peaceful. It's way more peaceful. Way more peaceful. You know, got the [ __ ] I got to sell it to myself.
Yeah. Okay. No commissary, no TV, whatever. I got, you know, I got my three hots in my c, right? Maybe he slides me a book like the third day.
Worst case scenario, what? You take my food, you take my bread, you take my TV, you take my phone. The visit. I get it.
But also like all right. So meanwhile my family on the outside's like man like we can't see him now we can see him he can't call what like what's going on right? But I'm just telling them. So I refuse to lock up. They sent me to SEG.
I was there uh in Hartford Correctional and then uh they put me on a block for like one week and then I was sent up to uh McDougall Walker. Now I get up to McDougall Walker and that's a whole different animal. I was I was hit with high bond because at this point my bond you know the way they do the bond in Connecticut you have cash shity or is it straight cash like a h 100,000 straight cash is a million dollar shy bond not a lot of people understand that right so it's like you need 100 cash or a million shy like it doesn't there's there's not a differential there right the 100 cash 100 cash right depending on on what bail bonds when you work with and you're charging stuff but like by and charge.
I'm high bond inmate, right? My bond was probably creeping close to a million dollars and at McDougall Walker, high bonds 23 20 22 and a half and one.
>> It's nowhere to live.
>> No, no, it's not.
>> How long do you do at McDoug McDougall?
>> Yeah. So, so I was I was in Walker High.
The only times that I was in McDougall was when I was sent to SEG.
>> Okay.
>> Because I did get a couple tickets there. I think I got two tickets in Hartford and then three two three two three two three two three two three two three two three two three two three two three two or three tickets in Harford or two tickets in Harford, one got washed for a fight and then two tickets at Walker for confrontation.
>> And this is all unsentenced time. You're just awaiting trial. I'm awaiting trial, but in my mind, I have 55 65 charges somewhere between there because I think I had like nine cases with four. I had a DUI and a drug possession before I had got arrested on these charges that I was awaiting. And it it's still muddy to this day because there was just so much paperwork. Like, you know, some guys go there and they're like, "Show me your paperwork, right?" And it's like, "Okay." Or sometimes it's like, "Okay."
Okay. But like I had like nine of these, right? So I had the box, you know? I had the box. So I'm awaiting Yeah. It still blows my mind to this day, but I'm awaiting trial. Excuse me.
I'm a I'm I'm awaiting my um judicial pre-trial hearing.
But the problem is it keeps getting pushed back because I keep getting hit with new warrants. So, at that time when I get up to McDougall Walker, I'll never forget, I didn't know what to expect. They put me in this bus. The bus is all blocked, right? You're driving up there. I'm sitting next to this dude who seemed cool. He was one of the Bristol boys. They were moving a lot of coke and he's been in and out. And uh I'm like, "All right, this dude seems cool." He's like, "Bro, I've been up here. Like, you're going to like this a lot more.
Like, if you don't want the riff raff and the [ __ ] cuz I told him about Viejo and the situation." And he's like, "Well, bro," he's like, "You're going to have a lot less time out of the cell cuz we're either going to McDougall Walker or we're going to Northern. This bus is going to one of the two." And he's like, "I'm going to tell you this right now.
You're probably going to McDougall Walker and that will be better than your time at Northern because we hear that they're closing Northern down."
So, I get there. I'm getting hit with all these warrants. I'm learning how to navigate that space, right? Because you're 22 and a half. But I'm going through the court hearings and nothing's really developing ever. It's just like new warrant. My my attorney shows up and he's like, "Got another [ __ ] warrant." Like, I know.
>> How many charges do you think you had total?
>> It it was over 55. Yeah, it was over 55 charges. I know that. I know that for absolute certainty. Um I think it at one point there was like 8 to 10 particular cases plus the DUI.
There were so many that I know that when I went to court at one point, they said that they were going to throw out my DUI, drug possession. Like, you know, you have a lot of charges when they're like, "All right, we're going to get rid of some of these just because if we stack all of this time, like you would have got less time if you murdered someone, right?" So, like, doesn't make sense, right? But I I don't know these things, right? I will say that like when I got up to McDougall Walker though, like navigating that prison life was a lot easier because I had seen a dude get stabbed at Hartford Correctional, right? I had already like had that period where I'm like, "All right, like two guys are going to go at it. They're going to go at it, right?" And that had happened during that six weeks like Bundles and Blackar, right? They're having a beef. Dude hops out. They don't have shanks, right? So they'll sharpen the toothbrush, right? And I wanted to pop out for the phone.
But Bundles was across the cell and he's like, cuz I was I was I put the little slide out so the COC's in the bubble that I want to come out of my cell. And Bundles is like, "Hey yo, Vinn, no no no, I'mma use the phone." I'm like, "The fuck." So he shows me this toothbrush. It looks like a, you know, a kebab.
And I'm like, "All right. Yeah, you're good. You're good." He comes out. I see them stabbed. So when I get up to McDougall Walker, I'm already I already know this is more serious, right? But also with that serious pre-trial, guys are a little more chill. They're not trying to get charges inside, particularly any charges that look worse for an already serious case. Right.
So, I liked that.
I also, you know, you're gambling and you're hooping in prison. Like, that is the easiest and fastest way to get yourself into [ __ ] But I love that. It was like in my DNA. Like, I love playing the cards of that [ __ ] poker where some [ __ ] [ __ ] making up some weird game, Christmas tree poker, flipping over the cards. Oh, you called your hand wrong. Like, I like that [ __ ] right? I like it. It's fun. It's entertainment during that time period. I also realize that like there's common threads and I love when you talk about this because I I like to find common threads amongst individuals like how did we all end up here, right?
How did I end up here? This guy upstairs shot someone, took his body into the woods, tied a bomb to him, blew up the body thinking he was destroying evidence, and it's probably going to do a lot of time. Like, what do we have in common, right?
And so I'm doing my time there and just like navigating it, hitting it with all these warrants, but also like becoming acquainted with prison lifestyle and also anticipating that I'm probably going to do like, I don't know, 50% charges. Maybe if they hit me with 10, hopefully they don't carry these tickets over. Who knows what my PSI looks like.
I've already been in like 16 17 months.
I don't know. Maybe maybe I do another like three or four years. I was already in that mindset.
>> So, how much more time do you end up doing um in prison and and how does this kind of conclude?
>> Yeah. The the way things kind of came to a point was I was sitting around 16 17 months. Still haven't had a judicial pre-trial hearing. So, I don't know what the future holds. In my mind, I'm anticipating five to seven years because I see what other guys are getting, right? Uh, also guys around there are cashing big bids. So, I'm kind of guessing talking with my attorney.
I end up writing a family friend a letter. Now, this was a family friend who I had dated her daughter throughout high school and college. And I knew she was in a 12step community, but it was the first time to another individual that I had met admitted the grips of my addiction and the grips of what I was really dealing with to someone whose opinion I really cared. Right? My mom knew, my dad didn't really know, my attorney knew, but for some reason exposing this to this person was very deep and personal. And I do have to make an amends with this woman.
because I had stolen from her.
But I had written her a letter and admitted everything that I was dealing with. The grips of my gambling, the grips of my substance abuse, the grips of my sexual conduct. Like I'm not Jeffrey Epstein or some weird [ __ ] like that. Like I don't creep on girls, but like I didn't have moral conduct in the way I approached women. It was about like [ __ ] duck or, you know, playing games, being a [ __ ] boy. And I admitted all of this in a letter to her. The focus was obviously addiction. But I had this blueprint for kind of evaluating myself. The first time I wrote it, I ripped it up. I flushed it, right?
Because you're writing a letter and you don't want to [ __ ] up the letter. You only got a pen. I We didn't have pencils. So, I write this letter. Write this letter. Finally, I send it. She gets on my visitor list, unbeknownst to me, and visits me. Now, this was the first time that I had seen this woman in a long time. And when you're in Highbond, it's all glass, right? You're you're you're talking through the phone.
And I wasn't expecting her to visit me.
And we sit down and I'm looking at her through the glass, you You know, I got my big yellow jumpsuit on and I just started tearing up because this was a person that was basically like a mother to me growing up. You know, my mom was a good mom. She showed up in the best capacity that she knew how. Yes, she's not perfect, but she loved me. Now, there's a delicate balance between loving someone and enabling them. And not everyone that loves you can help you. And not everyone that can help you is going to show you love. But this woman was purely there out of goodwill and heart.
And we had talked and I was teary eyed.
She said, "I never thought I'd see you here."
I said, "This is where I belong."
She's like, "I'm going to try to help you. How are you managing?" you know, she's seen all these guys come through with like tattoos on their face, stuff, very different, very West Harford attorney woman.
And I'm like, I'm all right. Day by day, step by step. So, she had sent me some books. They were 12step related, some like spiritual stuff, and I read them.
Right now, we're at like 16, 15 months.
I'm reading them. She's like, I'm going to connect you with a guy. She connects me with a guy that's in a 12step community who also did time at McDougall and he was out. So, we start writing each other. Now, this was super weird to me because this level of vulnerability with another man never existed. It was always sports. I'm tough in jail. I don't need anybody, right? But like, if you want to have an organic, nutritious conversation and connect with another individual, you need to be willing to get vulnerable. Now, I'm also not sentenced. So I'm like, well, I know that they read the mail and I'm playing that whole game. So I'm peacemealing them. This is where I'm at. You know, I'm not guilty. This, this, and this.
But also like, how did you do it? What's your process? So we're writing each other. Now we get to month like 18ish.
I'm thinking I'm doing this time. My attorney visits me. He's like, "Man, driving up here to Sfield sucks." It's the first thing he said. "Driving up here to Sfield sucks." It's like, "You're not paying me enough." I'm like, "Jeremy, we paid you like 25,000."
He's like, "I'm just joking. I'm just joking." And we actually became very good friends. Very good friends. Very genuine guy. Gave me book recommendations. It was like my outlet to like tap into a mental, physical, spiritual side of me that I wasn't getting while I was in prison.
And he said, "I spoke with the DA. It was informal. We have a judicial pre-trial hearing, but here's the situation. This is what I'm going to propose." And they used to have a program in Connecticut called KAK. Now this was 11 years ago. So they had kind of washed out KAK and also they hadn't seen what the opioid epidemic was about to bring them because I was out there in the street. I knew I saw this brewing, right? I saw the fentanyl coming onto the street, but also I was getting fentinyl patches and occasionally buying a pill and having the same effect. And I'm like, "Holy [ __ ] like this pill's pressed. This is fake." So, I'm fearful going into the judicial pre-trial hearing because he's basically proposing what we'll do is we're going to try to get you out, but you're going to have to walk a really fine line. I don't know what the design of that is. I don't know how we, you know, carry this out, but this is what I'm going to propose.
So he lays that out. We have the judicial pre-trial hearing and the state initially doesn't want to do it. But the judge was also an athlete in college. She understood the lens of like playing sports, the pills, like how that kind of manifested being in the locker room, stuff like that, that party, work hard, play hard. And also maybe she just had a little compassion.
Like I don't think that like I got some special type of deal. Like I think that they just looked at everything and like wow this guy's living a polarized life and clearly like he wouldn't be here if it wasn't for active addiction but also he needs to pay his time to society right so I do the 18 months at the end of the judicial pre-trial hearing. I guess they have another hearing. Um, and what they formulated was I was going to be released to Connecticut Valley Hospital. Now, I thought Connecticut Valley Hospital was like a loony bin, which it is. There is, but there's also a division of it that's purely focused on addiction recovery.
So, I'm like, "Wait, I'm going to the Looney B." He's like, "No, no, they have like an addiction ward. Like, you know, it's you can't leave. like you're locked in, but it's a 42-day program, but they want you to cop out to these charges. Now, there was charges that I didn't have direct involvement with.
Maybe like could have been a co-conspirator, but I'm like, I didn't I didn't commit this. Okay. Okay. This, but they can't, you know, I should go to trial. So, I'm playing this game. And he's like, all they need to do is find you guilty on one of these and then they could hit you with conspiracy. You're going to get smoked if you don't take this offer. you're an idiot.
So, I knew what I had done. I knew my involvement and I knew this was my best option. So, I get released at Connecticut Valley Hospital, 42-day program with a 10-year cap. I think I was the only guy in that like 14 to 16 months that I saw walk out of high bond and not come back. that like occasionally a guy might get bonded out, but I was like the anomaly. In fact, that day was a quarter. I remember the Jo uh the uh CO being like, "Bro, bro, why you bringing this box?" I'm like, "I'm not coming back." He's like, "Yeah, yeah, yeah. I I've I've been here for like [ __ ] seven years. Everyone says that, bro. You're coming back. Leave that box. You ain't taking the buck the box on the bus." I'm like, "No, dude.
I'm not coming back." Telling you, I'm not coming back. So, boom. I didn't realize that when I got to court that literally I was going to walk out with orange jumper on.
My mom immediately took me to Connecticut Valley Hospital.
I gotta admit, I did have her stop to buy me a tin because I wanted some nicotine. Judge is like, "Mr. Benson, I want you to understand this.
If you come back before me, before your sentence date, which was like four or five months, you were doing 10 years.
There's no conversation." It was the first time that I can honestly say I got so nervous that my legs started shaking because I'm like damn like 10 years I'm going to do a break. Like what? 10 years? Wait, if if I just stay here, maybe I do like three more, two more, you know.
But I knew I wanted to get sober. I knew I' had been written this guy writing this guy. I knew that as long as I wasn't drinking and drugging that I had a chance. You know, it was like kind of dumb and dumb. I said, "You tell me there's a chance, right?" I was like, "Give me a chance. If I stay sober, I'm going to make this happen." So, I get to connect Valley Hospital. It was hilarious because guys were complaining there. And they're like, "Oh, you know, the the fish or the chocolate milk." I'm like, "Bro, like I don't know what type of addict you were. You're complaining about the chocolate milk, bro. Like, I was eating two bros pizza and making 100K. Like, this is great." And where I just was like, "You're always looking over your shoulder. Like, I'm happy. I don't lock me up in here. Oh, no. We didn't get wreck. I don't give a [ __ ] I don't care. They brought outside meetings which is very good. I can remember a couple times uh they brought in outside speakers that I felt like they were telling a part of my story and it wasn't about promotion. It was about attraction that you can do this. I hated sometimes when they would talk about, oh, you know, three out of four of you are going to be back here and that type of like negative mindset. And I was like, well, if that's the [ __ ] case, then I'm that one.
And I went through that program. I took the program seriously.
Um, I tried to have fun and I just embraced it for what it was.
I think the tough thing was is like my first day there, I almost got into a fight, right? Some guy checked me cuz he's coming off the street. He doesn't know where I'm coming from. He checks me off the uh gym list.
I'm I'm ready to fight him, right? I'm like, "Oh, he's trying to test me. Like, if if I don't step up, then I'm just going to get walked on." I'm like, "Dude, you got to snap out of that mindset." Like, this is rehab. We actually became very close. And I found out at one point he did 10 years at McDougall. It's a great guy, Leavonne.
At one point, we connected when we got out of there. and he was staying sober with this guy they called Big Book Bill in Hartford. And so I'm continually writing this guy. I'm going through this program and and then I get out of it and I I hit the real world. You know, I didn't have anything. I didn't have anything, but I had everything.
Now, the duality to that is is I could walk out of there and be like, I don't have [ __ ] But I had a mom that loved me. I had a sister. My dad hadn't died yet. And I had a chance. I had an opportunity.
And at that point, I realized that I need to figure this out because if not, it's not about the time. Like, I'm destroying everyone else's life around me.
Like, the chaos that addiction brings, you're compromising the security and safety of the community.
Even just driving around [ __ ] up. You kill someone, right? But I hit the street. I don't have a job. I don't have a cell phone. I'm staying at my mom's.
But again, I had nothing. But I had everything that I needed.
>> What happens next? Where where' you go?
>> So my first day out of Connecticut Valley Hospital, that guy that I was writing picks me up for a 12step meeting and he had a guy in the car who has since passed away from drug addiction overdose.
And uh his name was Dennis Pupcowski.
Absolutely sweet kid, man. I say kid, but you know, he was absolute sweetheart. Super funny. Gregarious.
And me and Pup, we called him Pup Candy.
I don't know why, but me, Pup Candy, and this guy John go to a 12step meeting.
And I show up there and I feel like everyone's looking at me.
And maybe they were, maybe they weren't.
and I just open up. They're like, "Are there any newcomers?"
Hi, my name's Benson. This is my first time at an AA meeting.
Um, I just got out of prison. I, you know, and I go into this like two-minute introduction thinking like, "Oh, wow." I put my hand like when my hand came down, I finished speaking, John's like, "Hey, man, this might not be the meaning for that." I'm like, "Why?" like like thinking, you know, the only experience I had to a 12step community was in prison and that was only like three times. He's like, "Well, this is the monastery meeting. Like, this is where all the nuns are." I'm like, "Yeah." So, he's like, "Yeah, well, you know, different meetings, you know, you open up about that. Like, that might be something more suitable for a men's meeting, whatever." But I just opened up. So, I started just adopting. They said, "Hey, maybe you should do 90 meetings in 90 days." Now, I didn't know anything different. And at this point, anyone else, if you told me to go to a thousand meetings in a in a thousand days, I would have I like whatever. Just like when I agreed to do the 10-year cap and go to Connecticut House, whatever.
Like, I need to figure this out, right?
So, this guy John is just picking me up and bringing meetings every day from the first day I was out. I didn't have a cell phone. I didn't have a buck for the basket, but I knew that I needed to stay sober. Now, I also started going to Rushford Recovery because that was mandated as part of my court case. So, I'm going to intensive outpatient. I'm meeting people there. They have a a counselor that I started speaking with.
So, I started doing some therapy. I'm doing the 12step. So, I have community.
There's a gym close by. Again, I had nothing but everything I needed, right?
So, I started integrating myself in these the 12step community. I found other things like refu refuge for recovery. There was meditation based meetings, all these different types of recovery communities which have since grown exponentially in my 11 years of recovery. But there was like unity, there was like community, there was service, there was like all these pinnacles that people told me and showed me ways to stay sober. So, I entered the 12step community and one of the prerequisites is is, you know, doing a fearless and searching moral inventory of yourself, right?
I also get a job.
One time someone called me in early recovery. This was like four weeks out.
Hey, we need you. You want to make some money? We need you to to help someone move. Done. Done. How? 100 bucks. Done.
Done. I show up there. See this guy?
He's a little gruff, little rough, little rough around the edges, right?
We're helping him move some stuff. And I just said to him, I said, "Hey, man.
Like, my name's Benson. Here's my situation." So on and so forth. Very transparent. Just owned it. And he's like, "Yeah, I own a construction firm."
So he gave me a job in construction. So I had had a job. I was like, "Dude, I'll do anything and everything that you tell me. I played sports. I'm not scared to get dirty. I have no other options. I know that I can't go work in finance.
Like that's done." But I wasn't so much driven by what I can't do as to what I can, right? So I focus on what was in front of me. All right, work construction. So I started working construction. So I'm working construction. I have this construction job. It's not something that I have done, but also it's manual labor and I'm just going to figure this out. Also, I've connected with people in the 12step community. I'm connected with other recovery parts. I have my working out.
But when I'm working construction, I'm amongst a lot of substance abuse, right? It's not like a lot of people in construction are sober, right? So, I'm seeing sometimes not what I want to be doing, but also I have that balance with like a recovery community that I'm kind of building. The challenge that I have is the guy that had hired me was in active recovery on like a week-toeek, month-to-month basis.
So, one day I'm out there, I'm doing a particular roof. I called him. I said, "Some guys are stealing your money. They had left, left me to do this job, laying a flat roof. I can't do this by myself, but they're disappearing." So, I called him. Boom. He says, "Guy, you're pretty sharp. Like, why don't you come into the office on Monday?" So, I go into the office and he has a recruiting firm. I was like, "Oh, I've played this phone game. I kind of understand construction.
I'll figure it out." But he told me, "Hey, if you crush it here, you can make 100K." And I was looking at it as like, "Hey, this is my best option. No one's going to look at my criminal record. I have employment because I'm at this point my the disposition of my case is finalized. I have five years hanging.
Um, no guaranteed time served." Like they laid out all the parameters, right?
I'm in intensive outpatient. I'm like getting acclimated to life and like rebuilding life. I didn't have friends and and so anyway, I'm working for this guy. Um I'm working in the office and he's disappearing. Like we're getting a placement for a candidate of like 20 grand, 30 grand, 40 grand, and then he would disappear. And we had a business partner at the time. And I'm not really understanding. I'm like figuring all of this out like day by day, week by week.
But he also had a 12step meeting meeting there at night. So it was great. I would work and then I would just go to this meeting. So they start doing an inventory which is very common within the 12step community. I start peeling back the onion, right? Understanding internally having an internal locus of control like what are my parts and all of the drama and problems that have come into my life. I've invited them through my thoughts, my actions, my energy and uh this guy's disappearing and I'm kind of accountable for this meeting. And since he's disappearing, I'm accountable for the three other people that are working there. And I'm like a 100 days out of Connecticut Valley Hospital and like 142 days out of prison. I don't know what to do, but I know the money is coming in. So I ended up working with this guy for a good amount of time. And the only reason I stuck with him for about a year and a half was because I needed to get off probation. You know, I needed to get get I was on paper still.
I'm still reporting. I'm still pissing in a cup in Harford. still going through that whole process. I don't have any better opportunity, but also like things in this guy's addiction are escalating.
Like at one point I come into work and there's cops, six cops in Farmington in the office asking where are the guns?
You know, I don't I don't know what you're talking about. You know, I don't I don't know the duality that this guy's living, but when he got after it, he got after it. And he would take these checks, 20K, he'd go out, disappear for a month, come back, and at one point, probably a year in, I had saved up a little bit of money, had felt more structured, was like doing the recovery thing, but also this isn't sustainable, right? like I had enough experience to know that like if I stay in this situation, not only am I compromising my own safety, my own security, but my future, right? So, he had like one other arrest and I realized at that point like I have to get out of here. Like threatened some guy with a hatchet and the police, you know, all this all this crap written in the papers fighting the police, which is crazy. It shows you the polarity of addiction.
Like when this guy was on, he was on and he was good. But when he wasn't sober, I mean, I'm surprised he's not doing a life sentence, but I see my life, and that was more of an example of like what I don't want to be, right? So, I'm working for him. Finally, uh, I muster up enough money, you know, kind of fortitude, structure, stability to realize that like I want to start my own recruiting and consulting firm. Um, it wasn't an easy process, but my dad had finally died. And I realized like I pulled up to the office. He was in the truck, passed out. The next day I was chasing him around for money in the north end of Harford, like following calling him. I cracked out. Pulls over.
We got a sandal broken, head cracked open. And I was like, "Dude, you owe me five grand, right? I'm trying to stay sober, but I'm I'm like living this again, this double life." And I was revolted from it because I like I don't want to be that. So he goes to the bank, gives me the money. I have enough, you know, fortitude to like start my own business, stay low-key. Father passed away and then I just went out on my own and just started calling clients and seeing if I could recruit for him. You know, I think without recovery, without people willing to extend a hand, without their willingness to help, uh I don't know where I'd be. You know, I think the most important thing uh for anyone listening this to this today is you have to be willing to accept help.
And sometimes help doesn't show up in your life like on your terms, right? I think you know we have to go through life and and learn different lessons in different ways. And sometimes a lesson might appear in one way in our life and after some time passes we see a different perspective on that. Right?
And so when I look back, when I zoom out from 30,000 feet, and kind of like look at my life, 11 years sober, having my own recruiting firm, um, traveling the world, you know, I've had the opportunity to live in like 20 different countries at this point over the past four to five years. Um, I have like a healthy and nutritious relationship with my partner. She's awesome. She deals with my my wackiness, right? Like I get squirly. Um, but at the end of the day, like I'm just so internally grateful for all the things that I've gone through because I don't think I would be have become the person that I am today without those experiences. They were they were absolutely necessary. You know, I think uh a quote that I could probably attribute most to all of this is well, I'll say there's two quotes that I could probably attribute with this because I love quotes, right? The obstacle and the path becomes the path. Within every obstacle, there's an opportunity to improve your condition, right? And to truly evaluate your condition, you have to first start with like an internal locus of control, right? Looking at yourself, right?
Looking yourself in the mirror, really evaluating yourself. Then you have your circle of influence. Those are the people that you surround yourselves with. The people, the places, the habits, right? Those are all the things.
That's all the data input to you as a human being. And then the last circle is your circle of concern, right? That's like the weather, Donald Trump, any of this stuff. If I stay focused in the circle of of concern, right? I'm I'm just taking in all this other information. I'm not being of maximum value to myself and the people that are closest around me. So, by and large, man, recovery has been an amazing journey. Uh I have a podcast called Investing in sobriety that came about through a conversation with a friend who called me was in recovery. Um actually he saw me speaking we had used together.
He beat me for some money and I was dude he beat me for like 500 bucks. Um but I was sober and I I was up at Lebanon Pines because I love talking with guys that are like in the mud, right? And all these guys it's like a jail diversionary program. 200 dudes up there, you know, prison coffee balls, doing the whole, you know, prison thing, but not in prison. And I go up there and I spoke.
It was Christmas and I was going to stick to my commitment. And I walked in there and I saw him and I didn't think about the $500. I didn't think about anything. I just gave him a hug and was trying to help him out. And so I guess what I'm ultimately getting at is investing in sobriety came about because he was actively navigating recovery but on his terms. He wasn't open to suggestions. He wasn't open to different ways where some people might be oh that's a nugget of wisdom. He was holding contempt, right?
He would find reasons to disassociate.
And so he had called me uh six years ago and said, "Hey, we should, you know, we should start this podcast uh about stocks and like investors that are sober." And I was like, "Bro, the best advice I can give you right now cuz you're talking crazy and I could tell you're not sober is you need to start investing in your sobriety." And that always stuck with me because if you don't invest in your sobriety and you're a true addict, and I hate that term, true addict, but I know I'm a true addict because I know where it's taken me. I know if recovery isn't paramount in my approach, my conduct uh mentally, physically, spiritually, then I have nothing. Like I if I'm not depositing in myself on a mental, physical, and spiritual approach, then I'm not sober, and I have nothing to give out to other people because I'm [ __ ] morally, spiritually, and physically bankrupt.
What would you tell your younger self if you could sit across from him today?
>> You know, it's interesting you would ask that because if I was talking to myself 20 years ago, 25 years ago, I wouldn't have listened.
I was going to do it my way. And so I would probably tell you exactly what my dad told me.
Said, "If you think you're going to go through life doing things your way, life's going to teach you a hard lesson.
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