TOXIC PARENT to TOXIC PARTNER (Out of the Frying Pan, into the Fire)

Added: 2026-05-23

[00:00:00]Hi everyone. You can go ahead and brace yourselves, but this time not for the shocking, albeit illuminating, extremely revealing stuff we heard in support groups for estranged parents telling each other how they really feel in the previous videos, but for how you're going to ensure you'll never hear this inexcusable drivel ever again. And that goes for your romantic relationships as well. Because if you were raised hearing this disgusting, hypocritical, and unbelievably juvenile from your parents, the chances are you've also heard it from a partner or you still are. We're going to start with erasing the atrocious definition of love you've no doubt been fed and replacing it with the actual one. Tell me if you've heard this before. Love hurts. You hurt the ones you love. Love is hard work. What an absolute load of crap. Love does not hurt, it heals. You protect the ones you love, and it certainly isn't hard work.

[00:00:50]Love is the easiest thing in the world.

[00:00:52]We are literally born already equipped.

[00:00:54]It's being told by the very people who are supposed to love you back that you're useless and worthless and an irritating and incessant drain that makes this crap so easy to believe.

[00:01:04]Actual love feels like you're walking on air, not eggshells. It's where you get consideration and respect when you disagree, not spite and revenge if you dare to. It's where you are welcome, safe, and secure in your future, not fighting like hell to save it. Love does not cut or confuse or bewilder. It doesn't cause desperation or terror or despair. Love doesn't keep you feeling trapped, unhealthy attachment does. It's the first thing that's got to go, and once you've seen how it's done, it'll be the last thing you'll fall for a moment again from anybody, not a parent or a grandparent or a sibling or a partner, because it's all the same damn process.

[00:01:38]First up is environment. There's a saying, you cannot heal in the same environment that made you sick. I'd like to add, especially when the people in it wanted to stay that way, to that saying.

[00:01:50]One of the first things we notice coming out of a toxic family is that they want their lives to stay the way they are.

[00:01:55]Even with all the fighting and the misery and the chaos, you were the only one who wanted that to change, and therefore you were the only problem. If my time on a strange parents groups taught me anything, it was that the phrase of the day never strayed far from all families have problems. These parents wouldn't stop spewing that the family problems were perfectly normal.

[00:02:14]What wasn't normal were children who complained about them. Even less normal were children who told anyone else about the problems, or God forbid aired them out on public platforms. For people who think their problems are normal, they sure can't panic at the tiniest threat of them coming out, can't they? But nevertheless, these parents are far more concerned with hiding, excusing, and sweeping their problems under the rug, and attacking anyone who dares even mention them, than they ever will be with actually fixing them. So, the more their children say there is a problem, the more the parents say there isn't.

[00:02:45]When you are in a room full of with sick people who don't want to get any better, it's not going to matter how badly you want them to get well, or the lengths you go to to try to make that happen.

[00:02:54]You can clean up their messes, figure out why they keep making them, discover the cure, and hand it to them on a silver tray with a spoonful of sugar, but you cannot make them take it. The more you ask them to try it, the more they'll fight it just by doing of more of what that makes them sick.

[00:03:09]Keep trying and you will be dragged deeper into that room, given another mess to clean up, and convinced that wanting to do any different makes you the one with the problem. Tell me if you've heard this before. You're unreasonable, irrational, overly sensitive, and dramatic. And if you dare go to anyone else about the problem, you're a troublemaker and a traitor.

[00:03:28]But this isn't your only problem. You being the only one with a problem also makes you the only one finding solutions, but you have no power over getting anyone to do anything they don't want to do. So, you do the only thing you do have any power over. You exercise more patience, more understanding, you do more research into family trauma and generational causes, you find more ways to reason and explain, and while you find all the ways to make your family better, your family just finds more ways to fight you on it and get worse.

[00:03:56]The more time you spend in that room, too consumed and too overwhelmed with cleaning up their messes, trying and failing to find new and improved ways to sell them on a cure they won't take, the less time you have to spend on yourself and on people who are building you up instead of breaking you down.

[00:04:11]The hurt, frustration, and sheer exhaustion is not just consuming and overwhelming. It eventually suffocates your own health, value, and productivity. The only way to get to the space, light, and air you need to breathe, think, and stabilize is to get out of that room.

[00:04:26]If you're still battling with having to leave a beloved family member behind, think about it this way. You will never be the brother, sister, aunt, uncle, or in-law they truly need should they ever need you to show them the way out.

[00:04:38]Same goes for romantic relationships.

[00:04:40]>> [clears throat] >> If you have a partner who throws a fit anytime you try to address a problem, if you're the only one trying to find help healthy solutions, yet all you're hearing is you're unreasonable, irrational, overly sensitive, and dramatic. So, you're trying more patience, more understanding, more research, more ways to reason and explain, and your relationship still isn't getting any better, it's time to get out of that room so you can be the person, or the mother, or the father your loved ones really need.

[00:05:06]Next is sorting out the difference between what you hear and what you see.

[00:05:11]>> [clears throat] >> This drain on our power to see things clearly is called cognitive dissonance.

[00:05:15]A mouthful, I know, but all it means is that your thoughts, cognition, are clashing. Dissonance.

[00:05:21]Because all you've been you've been told one thing and shown another.

[00:05:24]Let's say your mother slaps you, and seconds later she tells you she loves you. You hear her words, but her actions don't match. Now you have a conflicting message, and your brain is trying to pick the right one. Does she love me or not? We want to believe our mothers love us. We buy into this myth that all mothers have this magical instinct to love and protect their children, which is also constantly backed up by friends and family and media all regurgitating that all mothers love their children and there's none so great as a mother's love. So, we picked the wrong message.

[00:05:53]Our beliefs clash, our thoughts are jumbled and confused and flailing about desperately trying to sort out what we're supposed to believe. Like a thousand kids at a pantomime screaming, "He's behind you." But, every time you turn, there's nobody there.

[00:06:07]Believing one thing but being while being shown another is massively distressing enough. It's when we act on the wrong belief that things start to get dangerous. Let's use the same example. Your mother says she loves you.

[00:06:19]So, her relentless insults to your appearance and character just means she wants what's best for you.

[00:06:24]Her constant raging interference in every aspect of your children's lives just means she cares.

[00:06:30]Her pitching up to your workplace or home demanding you drop everything you're doing just means she wants to spend more time with you.

[00:06:37]So, you internalize the insults, despair every time you look in the mirror, and promise yourself you'll try harder. You rationalize her breaking every rule you set for your children and run yourself ragged trying to get them back into routine. Your house is in chaos, your boss is waiting, your clients are furious, and you've missed dinner and a doctor's appointment. You've sacrificed your own obligations to your own home, health, and livelihood, and you cry later because she loves you.

[00:07:02]Relentless insults, interference, harassment, and sabotage are not acts of love, but believing what your mother says over what she does is enough to trick you into behaving accordingly.

[00:07:13]Same goes for romantic relationships.

[00:07:15]She says she loves you. So, her relentless criticism just means what she she wants what's best. His frightening rages in front of the kids and his long drawn out silences just means he's worried about the future. The temper she flies into whenever you want to see your friends just means she wants to spend more time with you. He just needs more backing or support or space, and before you know it, you run ragged earning all the money, doing all the housework, shushing the kids, and looking the other way at the spending or gaming, or drinking, cheating, trying your best not to cry because he loves you.

[00:07:47]Shirking responsibilities, raining insults, scaring children, sulking, and throwing tantrums are not acts of love.

[00:07:53]But, believe what you hear over what you see, and you'll hear it forever.

[00:07:58]And this crap about all families have problems, same story with romantic relationships. Tell me if you've heard this before. All relationships have their ups and downs. All marriages have their rough patches. Now, both families and relationships have problems. This is very true. But, they have nothing to do with problematic behavior. These sayings have been very conveniently altered to include internal problems instead of external ones. Ups and downs and rough patches are the things you can't control. The economy, political shitstorms, actual storms, life has its rough patches. It's how your family or your partner chooses to deal with them that makes all the difference between a healthy relationship and an unhealthy one.

[00:08:38]A storm knocks out your power, and dinner is ruined. The company has downsized, and money is tight. Now, the car hit a pothole and needs to be fixed.

[00:08:46]We can throw dishes and sulk all night about dinner, or we can suggest a picnic. We can rage about our finances and the economy, or we can rearrange some bills while we look at some other options. We can scream and sulk and blame and pull a rug over our problems and make them worse for each other, or we can breathe, soothe, uplift, and plan to get through them for each other.

[00:09:07]Because it's not about the storm, or the money, or the car. It's about the throwing, and the screaming, and the sulking, and the fright, confusion, and hurt that is the result.

[00:09:17]Storms and money and cars don't cause relationships to collapse. Throwing things and screaming and sulking does.

[00:09:24]It all depends on the choices we make.

[00:09:26]Scream or soothe, pout or plan. And these choices are not closed or denied or unavailable to anybody. They are free, open, and available to everybody, always. So, please don't think for 1 minute that they just don't understand that what they're doing is wrong. They understand just fine. If they thought their behavior was something to be proud of, they'd be singing it from the rooftops. They wouldn't be trying to hide it or trying to shut you up or having a complete meltdown whenever I discuss anything they've said on their revolting support groups.

[00:09:55]No amount of generation gaps or lack of resources or even trauma eradicates our ability to know the difference between positive behavior and destructive behavior or to tell whether someone is hurt or frightened. The way we express pain is universal. We tremble or cry or plead or cower. Our families and partners can see and hear the desperation in our voices and our body language and are perfectly capable of comprehending what it is we're begging them to do or begging them to stop.

[00:10:23]Every even barely functioning adult is capable of making these choices. It really is up to which one your family or your partner wants to pick.

[00:10:33]The next is approval.

[00:10:34]Lots of people from laymen to professionals will tell you to ditch your entire need for approval. I disagree. Approval is awesome and it's a necessary part of society. I'm not saying you should center your whole life around it. I'm saying a little of the right kind of approval goes a long way.

[00:10:50]It feels good to get a nod from our peers, pride from our communities, a delighted smile from our kids. It lets us know what to strive for and whether we're on the right track.

[00:10:59]The trick is to make sure the approval and pride that is being handed out is for the right things.

[00:11:05]It is the most natural thing in the world to make our parents want to make our parents pride proud.

[00:11:10]Normal parents instinctively teach their children the difference between good behavior and bad through a process called modeling. The parent sets a good example, the child repeats it, and the parent hands over their approval with pride and praise for a job well done.

[00:11:24]There are two massive problems with this process when you have toxic parents.

[00:11:27]One, they don't set a good example, and two, they're proud of all the wrong things. They don't admire or even value integrity, fairness, or even decency.

[00:11:35]These are weaknesses to be exploited, not standards to live by. They model codependence, spite, slander, and deceit, and are proud of their abilities to mock, manipulate, and destroy.

[00:11:47]Trying to earn your parents' approval by excelling in all the right things puts you in a completely no-win situation, especially if your achievements happen to be things they don't have. Even then, they'll just assume that you lied and cheated your way to get them just like they did. And if their projection doesn't take over, their pathological envy will. I have seen toxic parents try everything in their power to destroy happy homes, marriages, and even their own grandchildren, simply because there were things they didn't have.

[00:12:14]Any approval you do get out of these parents is solely and completely connected to what they want at the time.

[00:12:20]It has nothing to do with what's best for you, your future, or your children.

[00:12:24]This is why their disapproval never seems to make any sense. For instance, you may think you've ticked all the boxes that would earn your parents' pride. You have a good job, you bought a nice house in a nice neighborhood, where your kids go to a good school. But your parents still treat you as if you're stupid and lazy and live under a bridge.

[00:12:41]You didn't do anything wrong, but you did miss the memo. Behind every one of these parents' instructions or advice is an agenda you probably know nothing about, and it has nothing to do with what's best for you, and everything to do with what's best for them. In normal families, what's best for the parents is what's best for the children, because they run their homes and lives according to what's best for the whole family.

[00:13:03]They take everybody's wants and needs and skills into consideration, so usually their instructions and advice is pretty sound. In a toxic family, there's no such luck. You buy a nice house, but it turns out the house they told you to buy was closer to them, so you could run their errands faster, so you made a bad investment. The job they urged you to get was in a company owned by your uncle, who unbeknownst to you, they they planning to borrow money from. Now you've ruined their chances, so you're too stupid and lazy to get a proper job.

[00:13:31]The school they recommended puts on a show honoring grandparents once a year, but you had to go pick another one. So, you're a bad parent who refuses to give your children a good education.

[00:13:41]This is why they don't care about the reasons for your decisions, no matter how logical they are or how many times you spell it out. You can explain until the cows come home that they could see that the house they preferred was derelict and about to be condemned. That your uncle's company offered less money and was way out of town, and that the school they suggested has a terrible reputation and none of the academic programs your children need, and you'll still be called a failure. Not because you failed to do what was best, because you failed to do what was best for your parents.

[00:14:11]Parents who dangle approval, whether it be for dominance, control, or simply to stroke their unbelievably juvenile egos, also can't very well afford to hand it over. They need to keep it dangling in order for it to work. Every time you think you've reached that trophy of approval, it's either never where they said it was or they pick it up and they move it, leaving you wondering will you ever be good enough and working harder and harder to achieve the approval and pride you'll never get.

[00:14:36]The only way to stop trying to earn it is to realize that you don't want it.

[00:14:40]Toxic parents are downright gifted at creating the illusion that their presence and pride is this shiny trophy that is worth going to all this trouble of winning.

[00:14:49]The moment you realize what it will cost is the moment that trophy starts to lose its luster.

[00:14:55]Think about what your parents want you to do to win that trophy. Will you win it by being fair, honest, reasonable, or even happy? Do they want you to win it by pandering to their selfish, ridiculous, and often downright dangerous agendas?

[00:15:08]Like buying a condemned house, or putting your kids in a bad school, or as in a lot of cases handing your kids over to them entirely, or ending your happy marriage or career. Yeah, trophy not so shiny now, is it? That trophy starts to crack and crumble entirely when you realize that every time you work toward anything that will positively affect you, your spouse or your children, your parents will have a problem with it because it doesn't suit their selfish or sick agendas.

[00:15:33]And this just just go for your home or career or school, it goes for your mental health, too. Build your confidence and you'll be told to stop thinking you're so superior. Improve your self-esteem and you are selfish and arrogant. Any improvement to your self-worth will signal your parents' need to knock you down a peg until they're satisfied that you will get back in your place and stay there.

[00:15:53]There is one way to earn this trophy.

[00:15:55]There is a damn good reason so many of us have family members or in-laws who we think are just atrocious, but our parents think are just marvelous. It boggles the mind how we can tick all the right boxes and still be called failures, while these members are so awful they cross them out, yet stay so wonderful. They can actually be living under a bridge and our parents will still be singing their praises. Why?

[00:16:18]Because they're just as pathetic and nasty or spiteful as they are. Like I said, toxic parents only hand out approval for the things they approve of.

[00:16:26]If they approve of codependence, spite, slander and deceit, and these members are happy to supply it to win that trophy, then seriously, they can have it.

[00:16:35]Normal parents let nothing get in the way of their children's happiness and independence. They encourage and support their children's good natures and goals and burst with pride every step of the way. Only toxic parents hand out approval for they shouldn't be proud of.

[00:16:49]Same goes for romantic relationships.

[00:16:52]Toxic partners don't model good behavior. They don't lead by example and they're proud of all the wrong things.

[00:16:58]They're only ever happy when you've managed to do whatever it was they wanted and even that falls short and is short-lived. Half the time you don't even know what they wanted, only when they didn't by the level of sulk or tantrum that came after. And they don't want you to get any better, either. Any improvement you make to your life that doesn't suit them will be mocked and sabotaged and if you get any approval you do get is for letting them do exactly as they please. Good partners willingly and happily encourage and support your growth, strength, and fulfillment. They do not dangle their approval in return for your subservience, submission, or for looking the other way.

[00:17:34]This next step is to stop giving the power to fix things to the one who broke them.

[00:17:39]Most of us have this wonderfully optimistic notion that if we could just get whoever it is breaking the relationship to understand what's at stake, they'd stop and everything would be okay. It's why we keep trying to find newer, gentler, or smarter ways to explain and how and why things hurt and how and why they should be solved.

[00:17:58]Unfortunately, this is not how this works at all. Toxic parents and partners have another thing in common. Experts will tell you that they're toxic or narcissistic because they put their wants, needs, and feelings first. In my experience, it's not that you or the kids or whatever other responsibilities they have come second or third or 13th, is that they don't feature at all. Our to-do list, if you will, includes our partners, our kids, ourselves, and whoever else may be involved in our lives that day or every day. Your responsibilities to your family, your job, your son's soccer match, your daughter's birthday party, etc. Toxic people's lists have one entry. There. That's it. They don't get They don't start to get irritated or argumentative or sullen at the point where they have to rearrange something or reorganize something on the list and it's proving impossible. It's at the point where you suggested there was more than one entry. Out come the excuses and the blame and the I forgot and the I didn't know and all the other ways they keep they used to keep anything or anyone off that list, giving you the impression that if you just reminded them of the things they forgot or told them about the things they didn't know or explained the things they misunderstood, then everything would be okay.

[00:19:08]If you are dealing with someone who only has one entry on their list, it's not going to matter because it's not what they want. What they want is to see to their own wants and needs and feelings, and they want to do it without your complaining or interference.

[00:19:21]She didn't forget to pick her pick up her son from soccer practice. She wanted a few more glasses of wine, so she had them. He didn't unknowingly miss his daughter's birthday party. His friends were having a better one, so he went. He didn't misunderstand the laws against drunk driving. He wanted to leave, so he drove.

[00:19:38]All you're doing by explaining that your son was terrified, that your daughter is in tears, and how many lives he could have ruined on that road, is you adding entries to that list, which makes you irritating, argumentative, and sullen.

[00:19:51]You can try to make them understand why they shouldn't do the things they do any which way you like. The reason nothing has worked is because they already know.

[00:20:00]They got the message. They just want you to stop delivering it.

[00:20:03]All you are with your discussions and suggestions and solutions as an obstacle between what them and what they want.

[00:20:10]You're not fighting with your parents because they don't understand that the house you want they wanted you to buy is derelict. They read the sign and nearly fell through the floorboards. You're fighting because they have to wait 5 minutes longer for their groceries.

[00:20:22]You're not fighting with your wife because she doesn't know that leaving children alone for hours in empty parking lots is dangerous and traumatic.

[00:20:28]You're fighting with her because you told her to stop her fun. You're not fighting with your husband because he doesn't understand why there are laws against drunk driving. You're fighting because he doesn't care.

[00:20:38]You think they just don't get it, but in their minds it's you who doesn't get it.

[00:20:42]You think you'll all be happy if they stop abusing. In their minds, you'll all be happy when you stop bitching.

[00:20:48]This last step is usually a horrible conundrum. Many people battle with the thoughts of, "But what if I leave that room and it all comes right? What if my partner does fix everything and I've ruined everything and caused all this pain and anger and hurt for nothing?

[00:21:03]What if my family really does want to make amends?"

[00:21:06]I've only ever seen three ways in which toxic people deal with separation. Rage, self-pity, or dead silence. Usually, it's a combination of all three. Which one of them says I fixed anything?

[00:21:17]If your family or partner has come right, has fixed what needs to be fixed, and really does want to make amends, then let's start with acknowledging exactly why you left. They'd know that your leaving wasn't the cause of all this pain and anger, it was the reason.

[00:21:31]And they wouldn't be hurt, they'd be bloody mortified. Wouldn't you be if the shoe was on the other foot and you had hurt a partner or a member of your own family so badly that they had to run or orphan themselves just to make it stop?

[00:21:44]Would you be furious that you weren't given another chance, or would you understand that you didn't deserve one because you'd done nothing to show that you were sorry or had changed or even wanted to?

[00:21:54]If there was a chance that you could have your spouse or your son or your daughter back, nothing on this earth would stop you from taking it, especially if all it took was some accountability.

[00:22:04]If your family or partner got better, you'd know because it was the hardest thing in the world to learn that they wouldn't.

[00:22:11]Right, I've written you a handy guide on all the things I speak about in my videos that include some more practical and somewhat different ways to deal with toxic family and partners. You can download it from Patreon where you can also chat to me. The details are in the description. See you soon.