That Look You Give Your Kids? It Becomes Their Forever

[00:00:00]I'm going to describe something about you.

[00:00:03]If I get this right, it may explain the way you've lived for years. [music] Picture yourself at 6 years old.

[00:00:09]You spent the entire afternoon drawing a picture of your family.

[00:00:13]>> [music] >> You drew the house, the sun, your mother, your father, and yourself [music] standing together.

[00:00:21]Across the top, in big crooked letters, you wrote, "I love my family."

[00:00:26]>> [music] >> You couldn't wait for dinner because you wanted your father to see it first.

[00:00:31]You carried it to the [music] table with both hands, smiling before you even reached him.

[00:00:36]Then your elbow caught your glass.

[00:00:38]>> [music] >> Milk spilled across the table.

[00:00:41]Your father shot up from his chair.

[00:00:43]He grabbed your arm, yelled at you, [music] and marched you down the hallway to your room.

[00:00:48]The picture never left your hand.

[00:00:50]>> [music] >> He never looked at it.

[00:00:52]He never saw what you'd spent all afternoon making.

[00:00:56]The truth is, [music] he wasn't reacting to the drawing.

[00:00:58]He was reacting to a bad day at work.

[00:01:01]But you were 6 years [music] old.

[00:01:03]6-year-olds don't understand stress.

[00:01:05]They don't understand deadlines, bills, [music] or the weight adults carry home with them.

[00:01:10]They understand cause and effect.

[00:01:13]Something happened.

[00:01:15]Dad got [music] angry. I must have caused it.

[00:01:18]From that day on, you became just a little more careful.

[00:01:21]The next time you wanted [music] to show someone something, you waited.

[00:01:25]The next time you got excited, you held [music] it in for a second, just to see if it was safe.

[00:01:30]The next time you wanted to say what you were thinking, you looked around the room before you spoke.

[00:01:35]You didn't decide [music] to become that person all at once.

[00:01:38]It happened one small adjustment at a time.

[00:01:41]Years passed.

[00:01:43]People started describing [music] you with words like easygoing, independent, and low maintenance.

[00:01:50]When someone [music] asked how you were doing, your answer was always, "I'm fine."

[00:01:55]When they asked where [music] you wanted to you smiled and said, "Anywhere is fine."

[00:02:00]When they asked if you [music] needed help, you answered, "I've got it."

[00:02:05]Little by little, [music] you became an expert at asking everyone else what they needed and forgot to ask yourself.

[00:02:12]Psychologists have a name [music] for this.

[00:02:14]They call it the false self.

[00:02:16]It's what can happen when a child learns that certain parts of themselves create conflict.

[00:02:22]So, those parts are [music] quietly packed away until they almost disappear.

[00:02:26]Now, let me ask you something.

[00:02:28]If you have children, how many times [music] has your daughter walked into the room excited to show you something and you answered with [music] the stress from your day instead of the excitement she brought into it?

[00:02:40]She won't remember the email you were answering.

[00:02:43]She won't remember the bill [music] you were paying.

[00:02:46]She won't remember why you were distracted.

[00:02:49]She'll remember your face.

[00:02:51]She'll remember your voice.

[00:02:53]She'll spend [music] years deciding what those few seconds meant.

[00:02:57]So, tonight, if a little voice says, "Mom, can I show you [music] something?"

[00:03:02]stop what you're doing, look at the drawing, listen to the story, smile before you speak, because to you, it may only be [music] a piece of paper.

[00:03:13]To her, it may become the voice she carries for the rest of her life.

[00:03:20]If this story made you remember who you were before you learned to [music] stay quiet, my books were written for you.

[00:03:26]Begin with The Lara, available now at the link in my bio and in bookstores everywhere.