When Avoidant Shuts Down, Do THIS Instead of Talking

[00:00:00]Hello everybody. I'm a practicing therapist and a doctoral student of psychology. Today I want to talk about what to do when an avoidant shuts down.

[00:00:08]And basically it's instead of continuously talking numerous times about the same topic. Of course you will talk. So I'm not really sure how to word this the subject of this video. You'll get it. The point is I'm not saying to be completely silent. I'm just saying to speak what you need and kind of let the pieces fall where they may. But I also want to put some caveats in this. Okay, a lot of you guys what you do is one or the other. You continuously talk about the same issue over and over and over and you're not even expecting a change.

[00:00:40]You're just venting and you feel bad that they hurt you. That's one. And then another issue which I feel like you guys do this a little more often at least the people who has had consulting calls with me and we're working on it, right? But um what some of you guys do is you might not bring up anything at all and you're not saying anything and then when they shut down you never prompt them out of it and you just wait till they return.

[00:01:02]And I think that this is something that's really important. Okay? There are a lot of advice out there among many different things. Okay? And I completely appreciate that. Not everyone fits one case or the other. But from my experience as somebody who's been working with avoidance for quite a while, someone who used to be an avoidant, I can tell you that if someone shuts down, an avoidance shuts down and you just leave it there and you just let it fester or you let it whatever it is, they might feel better. That is true.

[00:01:28]But they also don't get any better. They just stay the same version of themsel.

[00:01:32]And I'm saying this as someone who changed and I used to be really triggered about stuff like this. But when I would shut down, okay, and people just left me to my own self and I healed and then I came back when I was ready.

[00:01:45]This never let me learn. I just [clears throat] stayed that version of myself. But when I was challenged, like my significant other, he would challenge these things just automatically. He's very like uh he's more confrontational than I am. And so when I would react this way, he would call it out like immediately. And at first I remember because I was quite young. I was kind of like confused because no one's ever done that before, right? People would all just be like, you know, that's the way she is. She's kind of distant. But he called it out in a way. It wasn't harsh.

[00:02:14]But he would say like he would set some sort of situation up. He would say, "Okay, I get that you need time. Let me know when you're feeling a little better so that we can talk about this again." He said it like very clearly. And at that point that was odd to me but it helped me to set a structure and then naturally I started doing that on my own. Naturally I started when I felt like more calmer I just naturally told him hey I'm feeling a little better. I'm not really ready to talk but I do feel better. We can talk about other things. Like I was able to communicate that or I say yeah we can talk about it. It helped me because he was able to say that. Now that might not work for every case because I was probably I was young and so maybe it was easier for me. Um, but I will say that these are things that I think can help instead when they shut down instead of you talking about the same thing continuously and getting no result because I want you guys to have results.

[00:03:05]And if you want a call with me, that's pinned in the comments, okay? If you want to book a call with me and talk about your specific case. Okay? So, the first one is I want you to speak directly what bothered you. Okay? I feel like you've been distant and I would appreciate more frequent texting. Okay?

[00:03:19]And sometimes what happens is you're afraid to say this because you're afraid if you say that they'll run away. And I do understand that. And so if you need time for yourself, because it's also not good to push yourself in someplace that's uncomfortable. If you need time to build up to that, that's okay, too.

[00:03:33]But I want you to understand that you need to say this at one point. You can't just never say it. You have to build up to this if you need to. If you're afraid, if you're anxious, attached, especially saying this is going to be hard for you.

[00:03:45]But at one point, you should say this.

[00:03:47]Otherwise, they're not going to change.

[00:03:50]It's really hard, particularly for anxious folks, because they're afraid.

[00:03:53]They're afraid if they say something, the other person will get triggered. For fearful avoidance, what's interesting is you guys are afraid if I say something, I'm afraid that this person is going to make an assumption about me or they're going to say something or we're going to get into a fight and I don't want that.

[00:04:07]So, you guys kind of like dip out of that, right? But the reality of that is is you're not changing the dynamic either, right?

[00:04:15]You're you're feeling anxious, but you're actually behaving avoidantly.

[00:04:18]Okay? And so with fearful avoidance is interesting because your mind might feel anxious or you might label something as anxious but actually you're behaving more avoidant. That's what's confusing about if you're a fearful avoidant. But if you're anxious what likely is you're afraid about overwhelming them. Now there's one part I also want to point out. If you are male and this is pretty much only if you're male. Okay. What I not and if your partner is female because it probably is more common if the partner is female. What happens is you're afraid that you cross her boundary and you make her feel uncomfortable because you don't want to be that type of guy who's like pushy. A lot of you guys say that, you know, I don't want it to be where I'm just doing everything. I don't know if she is happy. I don't know if she's just going along with what I'm saying. And the reality is, particularly with female avoidance, just being honest with you.

[00:05:04]Um, it's going to feel like she's just follow the leader type of thing, but that is what she wants. Like it's not she doesn't want it any other way. She just won't say anything. Like that is the way she operates. It's a lot of pressure on you because that means you pretty much have to do everything. I've had calls with you guys. I know it's weird, but you're going to have to be even more direct about this. It if you are a male and she's a female, often that's the most common dynamic. Which means you might say, "I feel like you've been distant. I would appreciate more texting." And if it's a female and you're a male, you might say, "Maybe we can do this." Or, "Maybe uh if I text you tomorrow, we can have a conversation." add some sort of insert of what actionable step. This is more particular. If it if you're a female and your partner is, it doesn't matter what your partner's gender is, but typically it's going to be like female or male dynamic. If you're a female, you can say, "I would appreciate more texting.

[00:05:55]Then let them do it." Okay? Because if you add too much of a specific task, at least at this point, they might take it a little too much. However, female avoidance, they like that. So that's why that feels backwards. I don't even know if I explained that correctly because it's the opposite, even though it's the same of attachment style. So I may have to make a separate video on that but um we can touch on that another video.

[00:06:15]Okay, the next one is remove yourself from the need of constant reassurance.

[00:06:19]Okay, so reassurance is fine but you don't want too much and when you want reassurance I want you this is regardless of gender have a clear in have clear instructions about it. You might say I'm feeling like I'm feeling anxious. Okay and I think what I would need is you to remind me that you care about me. Clear instructions. So you you're some people the reason why they need that constant reassurance is not because there's something so wrong with you that reassurance just doesn't fit.

[00:06:46]That's not the issue. It's because the reassurance that you need is not happening because they're not good at reassurance. Give them those instructions. Both male and female avoidance really like this. Okay? And instruction base in general. I know you're not going to like this. Well, some of you guys, if you've been watching my videos for a while, you already know this. Instruction base is always important in these relationships.

[00:07:05]I would like if you could do this.

[00:07:06]Especially if you're a male and it's a female. It's instruction based attach on some sort of um action. I would like if you would do this. I would like if we could do this. Maybe we can do this tomorrow. Are you open? Right. For a male, you have to push a little bit more because female avoidance among all avoidance, especially dismiss avoidance, they are typically the most passive.

[00:07:25]Okay. Um passive in terms of communication. They truly are. Okay? And I'm saying this from someone who used to be. They're passive in relationships.

[00:07:33]They're not always passive in other areas, but they just they're just not used to that. They don't think about their emotions much, and they don't they don't operate that way. Typically, it takes a long time. It's not on purpose.

[00:07:43]The next one is if there's a part of you that knows your partner cares, stop denying it. Don't battle it. Don't be afraid to be wrong. Don't be afraid to be blindsided. Accept it. It's really hard. Even people who are secure, because I have had some calls with you guys, and some of you guys are literally secure. Like, I've I've evaluated you.

[00:08:01]You're secure. But the issue is maybe it's the first time you're dealing with an avoidant and you might think what's going on like it seems like they care about me but they're acting kind of strange. But there's a party that knows it and you're afraid to accept that. I'm not telling you to tell them right away cuz sometimes that triggers them. But you have to accept it inwardly because that helps you to not react when they shut down and they can also sense that you're confident and so it makes them feel less concerned about whatever shutting them down. And if they're a fearful avoidant, also helps them with their anxiety. Okay. And the next one is don't take their triggers personally.

[00:08:36]I I just they're going to be triggered.

[00:08:38]It has nothing to do with you. Don't take it personal. They might say, "We're not in a relationship. I don't like you." And I know that's hard to hear, but then they're still staying at your house or being with you every other day.

[00:08:51]Actions typically make a lot more sense with avoidance and what their words say.

[00:08:56]It fluctuates depending on their mood.

[00:08:58]even more particular with male avoidance. A lot of male avoidance, and excuse me for saying it if this is too blunt, but a lot of them have quite a temper. Okay? And so the reality is sometimes they say it simply because they're mad. And a lot of avoidance say things that they have no when their emotions are really flooded because they're not used to their emotions, they will say things they don't mean. If they're stressed, let's say they're going to school, let's say they're working, whatever the situation is, they will start saying more of these things because when they're emotional, they start pushing everyone away and they don't even realize that that's what they're doing. So, let's say we have a high stress situation. Maybe uh the girl you're in a relationship with, she's, I don't know, she's doing some program for school or something. It's really stressful. Maybe finals, maybe she's doing a dissertation, whatever it is, okay? Really stressed out. And at this particular time now, she's saying she's shutting you away. She's pushing you away. We're not f I mean, we're just friends. We're not in a relationship.

[00:09:51]And she It's directly correlated to her reacting to her stress. It's not you, but you're seeing she's still hanging out with you. She's still staying over.

[00:09:59]Maybe it's not as romantic, but it's still consistent. It's a relationship.

[00:10:04]Don't take it personal. And the last one is you want to assess them fairly and logically. Okay? Logically is not you feel like you don't want to cross her boundary. You feel like you don't want to hurt him. That's emotional.

[00:10:16]Logically, if you looked at it, it obviously looks odd. This is a strange looking relationship, but it is still a relationship. You need to accept these pieces in order for them to get better at not shutting down because them shutting down is what they're used to.

[00:10:30]But you need to break that with some of these behaviors. And so, speak directly what's bothering you. Remove yourself from constant need of reassurance, but still ask clearly for reassurance. The part of you that knows it's a relationship, accept that. Keep it to yourself. And then when they have more rapport built, go ahead and say that at one point. But you don't have to. You can keep it to yourself. A lot of you guys don't even care about labels yourselves. Like I've had calls with you. I know you don't care. But stop fighting it. The next one is don't take their triggers personally and assess them fairly and more logically. I hope this video is helpful to somebody.

[00:10:59]Please like, subscribe. I'll see you in the next one.