Heaven's IT Guy - Eternity (extended)

Added: 2026-05-05

[00:00:02]Heaven's it.

[00:00:03]>> Hi, I'm 85 years old and I'm just wondering when I die, if I if I get to heaven, how old will I be? Am I going to be 85 for eternity? Because my feet really hurt.

[00:00:16]>> Well, well, don't worry about that, sir.

[00:00:18]Everyone in heaven is 30 years old.

[00:00:20]>> Really?

[00:00:20]>> Yes. Peak physical condition and optimal cognition for all of eternity.

[00:00:25]>> That sounds amazing. So, uh, is everyone single up there?

[00:00:30]>> Well, I know what you're thinking, but there's no sex.

[00:00:32]>> Why? Why? Why not?

[00:00:33]>> Well, sex is only for procreation, sir.

[00:00:36]That's strictly an earthly activity.

[00:00:38]>> But it's not only for procreation.

[00:00:40]>> Yes, it is.

[00:00:41]>> Well, not if you're any good at it.

[00:00:43]>> Well, it's not allowed.

[00:00:44]>> Well, that sucks. Well, how's the food in heaven?

[00:00:47]>> There's no food.

[00:00:48]>> There's nothing to eat for eternity.

[00:00:50]>> Well, there's no hunger. Also, no plumbing.

[00:00:53]>> All right. So, what do people do all day?

[00:00:57]>> Worship.

[00:00:57]>> For how long?

[00:00:58]>> Eternity. I That was part of the original agreement, right? After repentance and doing whatever Jesus says, >> right? But what do people do for fun?

[00:01:06]>> Oh, there's lots of options.

[00:01:08]>> Like what?

[00:01:09]>> Well, we have puzzles.

[00:01:11]>> Puzzles? What? What kind of puzzles?

[00:01:14]>> Gigantic jigsaw puzzles of of clouds with millions of pieces. It'll keep you busy for a while. Trust me, there are people up here for centuries still on their first puzzle.

[00:01:24]>> First puzzle. How many puzzles do you have?

[00:01:26]>> An infinite number of puzzles. All All of Clouds, unfortunately. Like most of the pieces are just white.

[00:01:33]>> Yeah, but I hate puzzles.

[00:01:34]>> Well, there's also solitire.

[00:01:36]>> Any competitive games?

[00:01:38]>> You mean against others? No. That that creates aggression. We We all live in perfect harmony up here forever.

[00:01:43]>> Uh-huh. So, uh, what else you got? Are there movies?

[00:01:47]>> Oh, sure. We have the God Isn't Dead series, >> Christian movies?

[00:01:50]>> Yeah, >> that's it.

[00:01:52]>> Well, there's also the director's commentary.

[00:01:54]>> Uh-huh. But no other movies.

[00:01:56]>> Well, some content had to be removed due to themes of conflict, romance, humor, independent thought.

[00:02:02]>> That's every movie, isn't it?

[00:02:03]>> Yeah. All the ones worth watching.

[00:02:05]>> Is there music?

[00:02:06]>> Of course. Harps mostly. I mean, no drumming or dancing is allowed because you know what that could lead to?

[00:02:12]>> A good time.

[00:02:13]>> Exactly.

[00:02:14]>> Yeah. Heaven sounds really boring. Well, not to worry. Feelings of boredom have been wiped from the system.

[00:02:21]>> You removed?

[00:02:22]>> Yes. Along with creative thought and unmet desire.

[00:02:26]>> So, you don't feel anything. And everybody's okay with that.

[00:02:29]>> Everybody reports complete satisfaction.

[00:02:32]>> They do.

[00:02:33]>> Yes. The desire to complain has been disabled.

[00:02:35]>> Oh. Uh uh c can I opt out?

[00:02:39]>> Hold on. Well, looking at your file, you're already pre-qualified for the other location. Oh, thank God.

[00:02:49]>> Yeah.

[00:02:49]>> Sorry. We lost another one.

[00:02:51]>> Bro, you're killing me down here. We're maxed out. I told you. Stop explaining heaven.

[00:02:55]>> They keep asking questions.

[00:02:57]>> Do you not know how to be vague?

[00:02:58]>> Well, I'm just trying to answer them honestly.

[00:03:00]>> Uh-huh. Great. So, what you led with there's no sex again, didn't you?

[00:03:04]>> Well, >> I keep telling you, you got to ease into that. Most people like sex.

[00:03:08]>> They do.

[00:03:08]>> Oh, tech nerds. Yes. Most people like sex. They like good food. They like music. They like sports. You're taking all that away from him.

[00:03:16]>> Don't you understand how it turns people off?

[00:03:17]>> Yeah, but but there are other things to do up here.

[00:03:20]>> Oh god, you didn't tell them about the puzzles, did you?

[00:03:22]>> Well, they're extremely popular.

[00:03:24]>> Not before your brain has been wiped.

[00:03:26]The wait list for the Lake of Fire is completely unmanageable at this point.

[00:03:30]We've had to start stacking people on spikes. You understand? It used to be one spike per customer. I mean, the quality of service down here is really suffering.

[00:03:37]>> Sorry about that.

[00:03:37]>> Well, sorry doesn't help. It It becomes very stressful. We're underpaid and overworked. Well, it is hell, >> but that's not the point. Listen to me.

[00:03:45]You guys have to start doing your part and taking in more people. So, from now on, when somebody asks about heaven, just say it's amazing and hang up. Okay.

[00:03:54]>> Well, that feels dishonest.

[00:03:55]>> So, what?

[00:03:56]>> You're a demon. You wouldn't understand.

[00:03:57]>> Try me.

[00:03:58]>> Well, it's not about getting as many people as possible. It's about getting the right people.

[00:04:03]>> People who want that forever.

[00:04:05]>> Yeah. I mean, look, after a full day of smiting and saving, the big guy wants his home to be a stress-free environment. And you call that salvation? You know, I thought I was bad, but you guys are seriously messed up.

[00:04:16]>> You literally torture people forever.

[00:04:18]>> Well, at least we have pizza >> in hell.

[00:04:21]>> I didn't say it was good pizza >> with pineapple, right?

[00:04:23]>> Yes.

[00:04:24]>> Handsome man.

[00:04:26]>> He's a handsome man.

[00:04:30]>> Handsome man.

[00:04:31]>> He's a handsome man.

[00:04:35]>> Handsome man.

[00:04:37]>> He's a handsome man.

[00:04:40]handsome man.

[00:04:42]>> He's handsome man.