Arguing with my wife, getting angry, and thinking about relapse

[00:00:00]Fig. I'll let you guys see a uh South Carolina summer thunderstorm.

[00:00:16]I'm up here on my front porch.

[00:01:11]>> [music] [music] [music] >> Hey guys, it is July the 18th, 2026, and I hope everybody's been having a wonderful day so far today. Sorry about the uh the lighting right now. It's rather late in the day. I mean, it's late right now. I'm surprised I've got enough daylight to be able to film today's video. So, I've got to get this one straight to the point and not screw up on this one at all because if I do, I'm not going to have enough light to film today's video. So, hopefully this one works out cuz I've already tried to do this intro a couple of times and uh this one's going to be the one that sticks. But, I've had a uh rather full day today. Uh we have a lot of stuff to do. the kids um they're about to start back school. So, they went, you know, back to school shopping today. We also uh did some other shopping that we had to get done. And then at the end of the day, we had to go to the grocery store and like we just got back home. I just finished putting all the groceries away.

[00:02:24]There's still some stuff that's not put up yet, but I looked outside and saw how dark it was getting. I was like, I've got to get out there and get today's video filmed now.

[00:02:33]And like I said, it's been a really full day today for me and for my family.

[00:02:37]We've had so much going on, which kind of led up to what I'm going to be talking about today because like I said, it's been a really busy, stressful day today. We've had a lot happening here.

[00:02:50]And um you know, a lot of times when things like that happen, I'm sorry, I'm trying to get this big stick out of the way. But a lot of times when, you know, we get so bound up like that, we've got so much going on, you know, we got all this pressure on us, you know, we were trying to hurry up and get home because of all the frozen goods that we had and then getting all the stuff put away. It's just we start getting on edge and my wife and I both started getting on edge and I don't even remember what started started it, but we ended up getting into an argument just a little bit ago and uh you know, it's been going on for a while this afternoon. And it's not like we were screaming and arguing, you know, screaming and yelling at each other or anything like that, but we did get into a disagreement. And uh my wife got a little heated. I got heated. And like I said, there was no screaming and yelling or anything like that, but we were both aggravated, like really aggravated with each other. And I started getting angry. I'm not going to lie. I started getting angry.

[00:03:53]And like I said, that's what I want to talk about today. And after everything happened this afternoon or this evening, um, I really started thinking about drinking and, you know, not a little bit like it really, really started to enter my mind.

[00:04:10]And I was having a really difficult time, you know, trying to not think about it because sometimes when I get angry, I get this, you know, I get to this place I get very self-destructive when I start getting angry, especially if things start to escalate and I get ang, you know, the more angrier I get, uh, the more out there I get, you know, the more I just get crazy. Um, and like I said, like I said, I become self-destructive. Uh, you know, I start thinking, you know, what does it matter?

[00:04:44]What does any of this matter? Who cares?

[00:04:47]You know, and I don't know why it is, but it's my personality. And I would imagine that for a lot of us that have problems with addiction that, you know, we all have very similar personalities.

[00:04:58]At least for my observation, that's what I've noticed that a lot of us have very similar personalities. We're very sensitive individuals.

[00:05:07]We get heated very easily. Things, you know, irritate us. We get angry pretty quick, or at least I do, you know, and it back when I was a drinker, of course, I used to snap a lot easier than I do now because I used to drink all the time. I felt like crap all the time. I was hung over all the time. You know, when you feel bad, you've got a headache, you don't feel well, you're tired, you've been throwing up all day long, of course, you know, if somebody says something to you, and it's something that's going to upset you. Of course, you're going to snap a lot easier when you feel that way. And that's what used to happen with me. But now, since I've gotten sober, of course, things don't things don't upset me as easily as they used to back in the day when I was in active addiction. But I still get upset, and I got upset today.

[00:05:54]And like I said, things became difficult. And like I said, I wanted to talk about this today because I would imagine that there's a lot of you out there who might have had a bad day today as well. Maybe you got into an argument with your spouse or your boyfriend or girlfriend or your roommate or your mom or your dad or whoever it is. And like I said, you know, when those situations arise and we start arguing with somebody and we start getting really angry, I know for myself, and I would imagine that there's people out there who do the same thing. We start getting self-destructive. We start thinking, "What does it matter? Who cares?"

[00:06:31]You know, we start thinking like, "My my whole life's falling apart anyway, you know?" And [clears throat] we start making excuses or at least for myself.

[00:06:39]If I start making excuses for myself and why I should be able to drink today because who cares, you know, my wife doesn't like me and my kids don't like me. I start going down this path mentally and I don't know why that is.

[00:06:52]But I just get start getting so self-destructive and I start thinking that, you know, who cares whatever, you know, I'm sick anyway and who knows when I'm going to die. It's probably, you know, if I have a year left, you know, whatever. Yeah, I just start thinking these crazy thoughts. Not saying that I'm not going to be here a year from now. Who knows?

[00:07:15]None of us know how long we have left on this planet. But I started thinking that way. You know, I'm already sick. I already have liver disease. I have cerosis chronic. My pancreas is shot.

[00:07:27]You know, and now I'm arguing with my wife and she hates my guts. And you know, who cares at this point? You know, none of this matters anyway. So, I might as well just go ahead and drink, you know, and just enjoy myself and at least be able to let loose and get some of the steam off and not be so angry and at least, you know, and then I start getting these crazy ideas like I'll show them.

[00:07:52]And as immature as that sound, guys, I'm just being completely honest with you guys right now. So, you know, please don't crucify me in the comments. If you do, so what? It is what it is. You know, I'm sure there's going to be somebody out there who's going to tell me that, you know, I'm so wrong for talking like this and I'm immature and yada yada yada. Okay, it is what it is. I'm just being completely honest with you guys.

[00:08:16]You know, I start getting angry. I start going down this rabbit hole of self-destruction.

[00:08:22]Who cares? Nobody cares about me, you know? And I know it's immature and I know it sounds ridiculous, but that's just where my mind starts going. I can't control it. The only thing that I can do is not react to those thoughts in my mind, not drink when I start thinking that way. I can't make my mind, you know, not go down these paths. I can try my best to stop it when I start to realize that I am starting to get really negative and I'm going down this path of negativity and self-destruction.

[00:08:53]Once I realized that that's happening, it's what one of the reasons I always talking about being aware and being on top of your game and protecting your sobriety because we start getting to these really negative places like that and we have a decision to make. You know, we've got to be aware of what's going on because if we allow those thought that thought process to continue and just keep going and keep going and keep going, of course, we might go ahead and drink, you know. But if we're aware of the situation, we're mindful of what's happening around us and within us. And when we start to notice, you know, the traits of what's happening, like, uh-oh, here I go. I'm starting to get super negative again. You know, here I am. I'm already starting to think about who cares. Nobody cares about me, so I can just go ahead and drink. You know, nobody's going to care anyway if I'm not here anymore. You know, once I start realizing that my mind's going down that path, I need to nip it in the butt right there and just stop it, you know, and try my best to change my thought process, start thinking about something else, and to and to really be aware of what I'm thinking about, you know, and to correct myself, you know, to to stop and go, "What are you thinking right now, man? This is ridiculous. Yeah, you're upset.

[00:10:08]Yeah, you might be having a bad day, but it's not worth throwing away your sobriety just because you're angry right now. And you're not gonna And like I always say, it doesn't last forever.

[00:10:19]Nothing at all lasts forever. Nothing.

[00:10:24]Including your feelings, your emotions, none of it, you know. And the thing is is that just like I got upset earlier, I'm not upset anymore. It's passed at this point now.

[00:10:38]And like I said, the only thing that we can do is we can not react to our thoughts. I didn't react to my thoughts.

[00:10:45]I didn't drink. Even though I thought about it, I didn't do it. And that's what I'm talking about, guys, is that if you start to get upset, something's really bothering, you're having a really bad weekend or whatever, and you're like, you know what, the heck with it.

[00:10:57]Nobody cares anyways. I'm just going to go ahead and drink. Don't do it.

[00:11:02]Remember why you're staying sober.

[00:11:04]Remember why you got sober. and hold on to that. And when you really start to go down that path of negativity and you think that this is it, who cares? Stop yourself. Be mindful of the situation and really think hard about this. What's going to happen? Is drinking going to make anything better? Absolutely not.

[00:11:22]Has drinking ever improved anything in your life? Absolutely not. The only thing that it does is maybe pull you away from the situation for just a little bit. But guess what? But whatever that situation is is still going to be there when you get sober and you still have to deal with it at some point. So why get drunk? Throw another problem in the situation that you're going to have to deal with at some point. And now you've got two big problems that you have to deal with instead of just one.

[00:11:49]But stay sober one more day, guys. No matter what's going on in your life, no matter how upset you've gotten, it's not worth going back to drinking. I'm going to stay sober today. I hope that you do as well. Let's not drink just because we got into a fight with somebody or got into an argument or we're just having a bad day. It's not worth it at all. Stay sober one more day. We can't control how we think. We can't control the thoughts that go through our minds. And we can't control things that are outside of us.

[00:12:18]But what we can control is our actions.

[00:12:20]And we can control if we go back to drinking today or not. One more day.

[00:12:24]Let's stay sober. I'll see you guys in tomorrow's video. I love you guys so much. Thank you so much for being here.

[00:12:30]And like I said guys, I'm not drinking today and I hope you don't either.

[00:12:33]Byebye.

[00:12:37][music] [music]