The “Delusion” That Controls Narcissists

Added: 2026-05-12

[00:00:00]I am going to try to answer a question that comes up all the time, which is why does it feel like narcissistic people are delusional?

[00:00:08]I know some of you are saying or at least thinking that the answer to that is because they are.

[00:00:16]I'm going to tell you right now, I don't necessarily disagree with you. But let's set this up, right? You are in a narcissistic relationship. It's a good guess on this channel.

[00:00:26]The narcissistic person is insisting that you said something you didn't that you promised something and that you didn't follow through, that you did something that you literally didn't do.

[00:00:38]Or or alternately, the narcissistic person, they'll deny that they did something or that they said something that they absolutely did.

[00:00:48]This is typically part of gaslighting, accusing you of something that you didn't do or that didn't happen, and then treat you or talk about you or talk to you as though there's something wrong with you either because they insist that you did or didn't do the thing and by not doing it or not doing it, that makes you a bad person, or that there's something wrong with you, your memory is failing, you're mentally ill, or whatever it might be. Or they deny that they themselves did something which they definitely did, and especially something that hurt you, right? Listen, I'm going to own it. None of us remember every single thing we've ever said or done.

[00:01:33]And before we know what narcissism is, a normal, regular, garden-variety person who is stuck in one of these relationships will often agreeably try to make it work and say and reflect on things like, "Well, maybe I did say that." Or "Maybe I didn't do that." You may even apologize.

[00:01:54]But you may not take the fight. You may wonder like, well, maybe I heard them wrong or maybe I wasn't paying attention or maybe I didn't see that. And then you throw in mechanisms like betrayal blindness, too.

[00:02:08]It's like you none of it sort of registers, right? It's a gradual indoctrination process of control because as this happens the narcissistic person edges in further and further to hold the monopoly on reality in the relationship. Now, sometimes in your narcissistic relationship, you may take the fight, especially earlier in the relationship you might do this. You may insist, "No.

[00:02:34]No, no, no, I didn't do that." You will assemble an alibi as though you are on CSI.

[00:02:41]But the thing to remember about narcissistic folks, it's not about the evidence. It's just that they wear you down. You may say, "Oh, hell no.

[00:02:52]Here's the picture. You were there. See?

[00:02:54]Picture."

[00:02:55]"Here is the text I saw you send. See?"

[00:02:58]But the thing is narcissistic people have just one channel and that channel is control.

[00:03:03]And you may have a fuller life and other stuff that's more important to you.

[00:03:08]Friends, job, hobbies, children, life.

[00:03:12]And we got to go attend to those things, too. So, we will often just capitulate in these relationships just to keep things moving. As many of you know, the gaslighting and the and the madness means that these relationships preoccupy us. They're always sort of shifting and all that other stuff. But when it comes to the delusional beliefs they won't let it go.

[00:03:34]And you may either decide to not die on that hill, be exhausted, and in the worst cases actually start believing their accusations and just go along just so you aren't perceived in such a messed-up way or have such distorted, twisted narratives maintained about you.

[00:03:54]Or, and of course this relates to the trauma bonding and all the rest of it, you aren't ready to see it. It doesn't feel safe to see it in your body and all that that means. For example, it may feel to you that if I see this clearly it might mean I have to end the relationship or confront the relationship.

[00:04:14]But as the world learns more about narcissism, and perhaps you know you're in therapy or you talk to friends, whatever it is, whatever it is that turns that light on for you, you see it more clearly, you may start doing the evidence collecting as I often term it, right?

[00:04:34]You may start texting the narcissistic person more often so there's a written record. You may write things down more often or send things by email. You document. You may even record. You may now have the proof.

[00:04:48]And yet, they still insist you're wrong.

[00:04:53]And then they spin it into how you are weird and cold and paranoid and you always have to be right with all your little saving all the text messages things and that you really don't love them and care about them because if you loved them you wouldn't do that.

[00:05:07]But at this point, and at this point in one of these relationships, I will tell you this, you are psychologically wiped out.

[00:05:15]You wonder, like, are they just delusional?

[00:05:20]Are they believing things that just aren't completely aren't true?

[00:05:25]Are they becoming almost conspiratorial in their beliefs?

[00:05:28]This idea that you might be plotting against them, that you do things that show that you don't love them or care about them or that you're shady, that you're out to get them, that you don't trust them. And remember, most narcissistic people are very self-righteous and do believe that they are morally superior.

[00:05:52]So, you holding or communicating a belief that they are not doing the right thing really kind of rattles their grandiose sense of what great upstanding people they are.

[00:06:07]They believe that you are the one that actually isn't following through or whatever the hell their grievance is it feels delusional. So, is it delusional?

[00:06:18]It's kind of a gray zone. Like technically by traditional psychiatric definitions it doesn't meet the standard for a traditional delusion.

[00:06:31]I prefer to think the term for what narcissistic people do is a narcissistic delusion because it is a delusion that sort of exists in a different way.

[00:06:42]What's tricky is the definition, okay?

[00:06:45]So, let's go back to that. Now, a delusion by the books is an insistent fixed immovable and false belief that is not amenable to change despite clear contradictory evidence and this belief cannot be explained away by a larger cultural or religious system, right? So, let's go back to that. Insistent fixed false belief that can't be changed despite you showing clear evidence. You may be thinking, "Lady that is what is happening in this narcissistic relationship." And I'll give you that.

[00:07:27]Typically delusions occur as part of various mental disorders like in psychotic disorders such as schizophrenia they can occur during sometimes during manic states like we might see in bipolar disorder. Um they might happen in psychotic depression or even in dementia.

[00:07:46]There can also be what we call transient delusional states, like passing delusional states. That can happen, for example, when a person is severely dis- dissociated or when a person is acutely intoxicated or from accumulated substance use.

[00:08:01]Narcissistic delusion is different because it is not happening spontaneously, the way it would with other mental illnesses. For example, in a psychotic disorder, the delusion may be that the government that the person believes that the government is monitoring them through their microwave and putting spells on them through their frozen dinner.

[00:08:24]And they believe it.

[00:08:26]They really believe it.

[00:08:27]And nothing will move that belief.

[00:08:30]And in most and almost all cases in psychotic disorders, the delusional beliefs are distressing.

[00:08:36]And it will often cause a lot of distress and fear for the person who has the belief.

[00:08:41]Narcissistic delusions are a manipulation, a power play, an attempt to embargo reality and to control the narrative. And yes, they are also part of the narcissistic person's defensive system.

[00:08:55]I'm great, everyone else is bad. It allows them to maintain that grandiose sense to protect against all their vulnerability, right?

[00:09:03]Narcissistic delusions are embedded in the gaslighting structure and are often more suspicious delusions.

[00:09:10]And can almost feel like they're getting into the neighborhood of paranoid, like, you're out to get me. You want to ruin me. You want to leave me. You found someone else. You're talking to someone else. You're trying to make me look bad.

[00:09:21]So, it's like, you're trying to hurt me.

[00:09:25]The delusional beliefs, we call these kinds of beliefs, by the way, persecutory beliefs. You're out to hurt me.

[00:09:30]They aren't about the world at large for narcissistic people. They don't think everyone on the planet's out to get them. They tend to be more narrow.

[00:09:39]And they tend to be assumptions about other people that typically the narcissistic person is trying to control.

[00:09:46]Narcissistic people need this kind of a narrative structure to bolster up their defenses like grandiosity or even victimhood.

[00:09:57]And they may do this through control, domination, or fostering a story where they sort of really sell the story that they're not appreciated for all of the wonderful and great things that they are and that they're being taken advantage of by everyone despite how good they are. That's all the victim stuff.

[00:10:15]So, here's the thing.

[00:10:17]This distinction between a true delusion, the CIA is monitoring the microwave, and a narcissistic delusion matters.

[00:10:26]For example, most pointedly in diagnosis, a true delusion, if we hear a true delusion, it's a marker of something severe. Then we have to work up that person and get them the help that they need, medication or otherwise.

[00:10:38]A narcissistic delusion is more of a "You never came to my You never come to my parents' house for dinner even though you go every Sunday. You always undermine me and you don't show up for me even though you do every day.

[00:10:52]You never tell me about your work. It's like you're keeping secrets from me."

[00:10:57]You stopped telling them a long time ago cuz they kept insulting you.

[00:11:00]"Why don't you want me to know about your work? You're trying to make me look bad."

[00:11:05]All of this is a denial of your reality.

[00:11:07]It's designed to either throw you off balance or manipulate you into action.

[00:11:14]Because if you're in one of these situations and you're faced with these kinds of delusional statements, which are manipulations, you may in some before you get it, you may end up trying harder to be more supportive and more of a cheerleader or show up to more dinners or come up with evidence to show it's not true.

[00:11:32]But it's all part of them maintaining a false narrative about you.

[00:11:35]The key to understanding a delusion, any delusion, this is the key.

[00:11:40]You can't change it with evidence, whether the person's psychotic or narcissistic.

[00:11:45]The narcissistic delusion feels like more of a tactic. While sort of the traditional more psychotic delusion is more spontaneous and a byproduct of central nervous system disease.

[00:11:58]When we are faced with the delusion of a person with psychosis or a person perhaps living even with dementia, it doesn't feel personal when that comes at us. We don't feel crazy.

[00:12:12]We may feel actually sadness, empathy, or concern for the person and recognize that it must be scary and uncomfortable for them.

[00:12:21]But we don't feel as though it's about us, even if they say, "You're trying to steal You're trying to steal my blanket." And you're not doing that. So, even though they're saying it's about us, we know it's not true.

[00:12:32]Even when the delusion is, like I said, even when it's about us, someone was actually recently telling me that a elderly family member with pretty advanced dementia was convinced that her family wanted to come into the the place where she stays, where she lives, and to steal all of her Sweet'N Low sugar. So, she wanted to keep it in her bed with her.

[00:12:54]The family knows that they're not trying to steal her Sweet'N Low sugar, and they aren't hurt by it. They just feel so sad about her mental state and her deterioration, right? Again, this is very different from what happens in a narcissistic relationship.

[00:13:10]The key though commonality between psychotic delusions, if you will, and narcissistic delusions is that delusions and delusional beliefs really can't be budged.

[00:13:22]Remember, by definition antagonistic personality styles such as narcissism, they are inflexible and they're pretty rigid. So, they're really not amenable to that much change. The behavior stays consistent over time. There is no openness to seeing other perspectives or points of view.

[00:13:43]I mean, delusions are similar, right?

[00:13:46]They are not really that changeable, even with evidence, right? No test No text message that you can come up with.

[00:13:54]No past email, no receipt, no photo, no no recording is going to change it. So, to all of you out there that keep hoping that you can shift the gaslighting behavior by showing them evidence, it's not only not going to shift it, it might even just make their behavior worse.

[00:14:13]Narcissistic people, for a variety of reasons, really can only center themselves. And anything that dings their sense of superiority, how they believe that the world should run for them, anything that stops them from getting their way is a problem.

[00:14:29]And they cannot tolerate the idea that they are ordinary and that the rules apply to them.

[00:14:38]So, the patterns that emerge, manipulation, the defenses like grandiosity or victimhood, they're all intended to allow the narcissistic person or people to maintain the sense of their specialness or their unique woundedness and keep the shame and vulnerability and insecurity at bay.

[00:15:05]Narcissistic folks do this by keeping other people small and keep sort of inflating themselves into something big.

[00:15:13]And that's really where these delusional beliefs come in. It's the only way this whole system works.

[00:15:20]So, yes, short answer, if you got this far in the video, narcissistic people yeah, could be called delusional, not psychotically delusional, but given the rigid rigid nature of these beliefs, delusional.

[00:15:36]And these beliefs, these narrative structures, are how narcissistic people feel in control.

[00:15:41]They are willing to steal your reality, especially when they feel like they're on their back foot. They do that to feel better about theirs.

[00:15:48]And this is why being in one of these relationships does feel like a combination of a horror film, a UFO movie, a house of mirrors, and a psychedelic trip.

[00:15:59]The damage comes because to stay safe you almost have to merge into their delusional system, fully abandon yourself, but then when you do that you truly feel like you are living in insanity.

[00:16:16]It's all twisted and disconnected from reality.

[00:16:22]And always remember healing can only happen if you remain connected to yourself.

[00:16:31]It's why you keep those text messages and emails and all the rest of it for yourself.

[00:16:37]Because all of that distressing as it may be, can help you feel less crazy.

[00:16:43]But whatever evidence you got, I can promise you now, it will never change them.