An Autopsy Of Outrage In Narcissists

本站添加: 2026-05-26

[00:00:00]Hey everybody, it's Shaman Sister Sin and you're listening to the meditations and more podcast brought to you by littleshaman.org.

[00:00:09]That's me the little shaman. Today I wanted to talk to you about something that is important to understand which is how outrage works in narcissistic personalities.

[00:00:23]Not to be confused with rage. Outrage implies strong emotions from a position of moral indignation and injustice.

[00:00:34]The word itself is derived from the Latin ultra which means in excess or too much. This is why we say some big breach of ethics or some flagrant violation of some kind is outrageous.

[00:00:50]People aren't outraged over just any wrongdoing. They become outraged at things that are not just wrong but disgraceful, unjust, some kind of violation of decency or morality or fairness.

[00:01:04]To be outraged then is not just a highintensity emotion, but it's an active position and it's a strong position to take because it automatically cast the doer of the wrong into a position of some kind of moral andor personal failing. There's actually a logical fallacy regarding this called argument from outrage. This is where someone uses their anger or indignation or whatever other emotional reaction as a substitute for evidence that supports their argument. It's an attempt to bully their opponent into silence or submission using feelings and emotional argument rather than logical or factual argument. It turns up the heat of the interaction, signaling to their opponent that if you don't stop, I will increase the emotional cost of this until you cannot afford to continue. I will increase the pressure until you surrender. This happens in part because the logic or facts behind the position being taken are not substantial enough to carry it alone. It's a threat essentially. It increases the strength of the person's position, not because it's more logical or more true, but because it's now become more difficult and dangerous to challenge. To tell someone that they're wrong when they claim to be severely agrieved or to have been otherwise harmed is risky. In our society, being a victim can be considered more important than being fair or being right. This is where the position of outrage comes in. If someone can assert that they have been harmed or wronged by the other person in some unfair egregious way, they're often not held to the same standards for their conduct that people usually are in most situations.

[00:02:49]They also may not believe that they are required to adhere to these standards themselves. The idea is that the position they are in gives them moral immunity where no matter what they do, it's under the umbrella of right. This is always right because I'm a victim and therefore it's okay. As Hawkeye said in MASH, good guys can do anything rotten.

[00:03:11]As we've talked about in other episodes of the show, this occurs in part because of the perceived moral immunity and in part because of something called denial of the victim, where the basic message is, it doesn't matter if I'm being cruel or unfair or mean to you because you are bad and you deserve it. Knowing all of this, we see why outrage is so common for narcissists. It gives them a valve through which to offload their negative emotions and at the same time they can hold on to the position of righteous, victim, good guy, whatever. It's a form of virtue signaling where they can signal the positive image they're trying to perpetrate of themselves. The position of outrage typically allows somebody to attack their opponent with no real consequences or even to receive positive regard for doing so because the opponent is considered unfair, morally deficient, or otherwise bad somehow.

[00:04:05]It's also very likely that the position of outrage for narcissists is an accurate reflection of their internal experience.

[00:04:13]That is to say, narcissists very likely are outraged by the things that they appear to be outraged by. For example, if a narcissistic personality is asked to do their fair share around the house, it is very likely that they are genuinely outraged by a the implication that they would have a fair share to do and b the suggestion that whatever that is, they don't do it. First of all, how dare you suggest that they should have to earn or contribute anything? And second of all, how dare you suggest that they're not? How dare you suggest that they are failing at this thing that they don't believe they should have to do and therefore logically are likely not doing. The position here is weak. It's nonsensical. I don't have to do that and it's unfair that you expect me to, but also I am doing it. So, you're unfair for saying that I'm not. This is illogical and contradictory. However, if you add outrage into the situation, this ceases to matter because now it's about how offensive, cruel, and unfair you are. And that is more important. Now, we don't talk about what the narcissist is or is not doing. We're talking about how much they've been harmed by your indecent, nasty, obscene demands and your slander of their character. It's very likely many of them really do feel genuinely seriously harmed and therefore genuinely outraged by these kinds of things. As we already know, facts and logic don't necessarily mean very much to narcissistic people. Regardless of what they might say, many narcissists tout logic all day long, but their arguments are still emotional and illogical. They still make no sense.

[00:05:53]They might believe they're only illogical or emotional if they're yelling, for example, or if they feel swayed by the other person's point. They fail to realize that if an argument is not based on actual facts, it is very likely being made from a place of emotion, which is fine, but don't insist that it's logical then, especially if facts and logic contradict that particular position, which is often what happens with emotional argument and why it's both a logical fallacy and a cognitive distortion. Facts are facts and feelings are feelings. Both have value and both are important, but they are not synonyms. For narcissists, however, feelings are facts. They are evidence. They are proof and they are very powerful. They trump facts. They trump logic. They trump everything to a narcissist, which is why they tend to be the basis for most of this personality's conclusions and arguments. Intent does not matter. Facts do not matter. Reality does not matter. All that matters is how they feel. The largess of the feelings acts as a type of moral license to behave however they want because the fact of the negative feelings is considered more important than actual facts. You hurt or upset or offended me.

[00:07:06]You outraged me. And now whatever happens is not only not my fault or my responsibility but is good and moral and just and fair. It works like this. You ask the narcissist for help with a simple task or you expect something from them that is inherent to whatever role they're trying to claim that they are currently inhabiting. Parent, spouse, boss, friend. In most people's brains, a neutral input remains neutral. With narcissists, things are filtered through cognitive distortions, egocentricity, and defense mechanisms until what ultimately comes through to them might not even resemble what went in. Can you help with the laundry? This seemingly innocent request is filtered through cognitive distortions and is therefore understood and processed incorrectly.

[00:07:55]Cognitive distortions are thinking errors where the brain automatically defaults to biased, irrational thought patterns that distort a person's perception of reality and are not based on objective evidence. We already discussed one of these, a cognitive distortion called emotional reasoning, where a person believes that their feelings are proof of the true nature of things outside of themselves. I feel offended, therefore you are being offensive and you intended to offend me.

[00:08:21]My feelings are proof of that. Other cognitive distortions include black and white thinking, overgeneralization, mind readading, fortunetelling, personalization, global labeling, maximization, minimization, catastrophizing, jumping to conclusions.

[00:08:37]It's important to note when discussing this subject that narcissists are not the only people who experience cognitive distortions. People often say things like, "Yeah, but narcissists aren't the only people who do that or have that or whatever xyz." That's correct. They're not. There's almost nothing that only one type of person has or does or says or experiences.

[00:08:58]Things require context. That's why, for example, NPD and other cluster B personality disorders are diagnosed based on patterns of thinking and behavior rather than specific things someone does or says. Again, things require context. So in the context of pathologically narcissistic personalities, when you say something like, "Can you please help me with these chores?" That very simple innocent request gets filtered through these distorted lenses and ends up meaning something very different than you might have intended. The word autopsy means to see for oneself. to conduct an autopsy on the phenomenon of narcissistic outrage. Let's run that request through some of these filters and get an idea of what narcissists might actually be hearing versus what you are actually saying.

[00:09:44]Number one, all or nothing, black and white thinking. This is extreme binary or polarized thinking. No middle ground.

[00:09:51]Things are either all good or all bad. A total success or a complete failure.

[00:09:56]What it means? It means if something is not perfect, it's worthless. If something is not effusive praise, it's criticism. If something's not amazing, it's horrible. Right? What they hear then from your request. This isn't really about the chores. You are not good enough. You are failing. You're bad. You're a failure. I dislike you.

[00:10:17]Number two, overgeneralization.

[00:10:20]taking a single event or something that is true in one situation, one area, whatever, and turning it into something that applies to everything all the time.

[00:10:30]What it means, this one thing that they didn't do or that needed to be asked for becomes the narrative of the whole relationship or the whole situation or of them as a person, what they hear, I have to ask because you never do anything, you never contribute, you are lazy, there's nothing good about you, etc., etc., etc. Number three, mental filtering. Focusing only on one negative detail and ignoring all the other aspects of the situation to the point that it might not even register at all.

[00:11:01]The rest of the situation just doesn't register. Only that one negative thing stands out or is understood. Narcissists ignore the polite tone, the please, the fact that there were no acute issues going on before this, the fact that you just thanked them for doing something else, and anything else that would cause this request not to be interpreted completely negatively. So, what they hear is, "You're not doing enough.

[00:11:25]You're not helping me. You're not doing your fair share. I'm disappointed in you. I'm upset with you. You're failing." Number four, disqualifying the positive. This is when positive aspects of the situation are noticed but they are rejected or otherwise discounted.

[00:11:41]What it means is that any positive interactions regarding the situation or the relationship in general are viewed as inconsequential because of what is being said now or worse as a lie. What they hear is, "I don't care that you did other chores or that we had a good time doing such and such of a thing. Nothing is ever good enough for me. I am focusing on this to make you feel bad and to remind you that you will never be good enough or do anything right.

[00:12:06]Everything is bad. Number five, jumping to conclusions. This is coming to conclusions without actual evidence.

[00:12:14]Either by mind readading, which is assuming that they know what other people are thinking or what other people's motives are, or fortunetelling, which is predicting how things are going to turn out as if it has already happened or it's an inevitable fact.

[00:12:27]What this means is they believe they know why you're asking them to help or what your motives are or what you're thinking about them, the situation. It's almost always going to be negative and reflective of their own feelings and their own thoughts or what they are focused on. What they hear is I'm saying this because I want to start a fight or I'm I want to make you feel bad. I want to ruin your mood or your day or your life. Even if you do what I'm asking, it will not be good enough and I'm going to ask you to do more and more and more. I don't want you to be happy or give you any credit because I don't like you.

[00:13:00]Number six, catastrophizing.

[00:13:02]This is assuming the worst possible outcome is going to happen even when it's extremely unlikely. This can be done either by magnifying a current event or something that's happening right now or by catastrophizing the future. What it means is they assume that the request isn't actually about chores or anything like that. They assume that it has a much bigger, more dangerous or threatening meaning or that it's absolutely 100% going to lead to something horrible. What they hear is this is just a cover for what I'm really saying or what I really mean, which is that there's some kind of terrible conclusion or motive here that's going to fall on you like a ton of bricks because you are bad, you are a failure, you're all the terrible things. Number seven, emotional reasoning. This is assuming internal feelings or emotions prove something about external objects or realities. In other words, believing that feeling a certain way means that that must be true. So what this means is they assume that their feelings prove reality. They feel attacked, therefore you're attacking them. They feel shamed, therefore you are shaming them. They feel guilty, therefore you're making them feel guilty. What they hear then is you should feel these ways and I'm going to make sure that you do. I'm trying to control you. I'm trying to control how you feel by saying these things. Number eight, rigid rules and should thinking.

[00:14:26]This is turning preferences, suggestions, flexible dynamics and stuff like that into rules. Rigid rules for how one is supposed to act or to be.

[00:14:35]What it means is there's no room for flexibility or like being a human being.

[00:14:41]things are turned into demands for perfection and absolute adherence to inflexible standards. These can be applied to the self or to other people.

[00:14:49]What they hear is you are failing. You must do this. You must do that every time. No exceptions. You must be perfect. If you are not or if you don't, you are an inexcusable failure. I am holding you to these standards no matter what. Number nine, labeling. turning a behavior into an identity and or a failure to separate these two things.

[00:15:12]What it means is things are turned into identities for people. Making a mistake which is a behavior becomes being a loser which is an identity. Calling out their behavior then even small mistakes results in narcissists feeling extremely judged and labeled. What they hear is, "You are my servant. You are the maid.

[00:15:34]You are a failure. You are beneath me.

[00:15:36]You're a worm. You're a toxic waste.

[00:15:38]You're not good enough. Nothing else about you matters. You're a loser.

[00:15:42]You're lazy. I have removed your entire identity and personhood. And this label is all there is to you and or it's all of you that I see." Number 10, personalization.

[00:15:55]that is believing what's being said or done is like personally directed at them. What this means is they assume that what you are saying is being said just because it's them and you have like some kind of motive against them. Your own actual reasons are not actually considered at all. They're not seen.

[00:16:14]They don't they're not understood. What they hear then is I am targeting you specifically. I don't like you or I'm jealous of you or whatever's the thing.

[00:16:25]And I want you to be unhappy. I want you to look stupid. I want you to be wrong.

[00:16:29]If anyone else said this or did this, I would think it's fine or I would think they're right. But because it's you, it's not. I'm doing or saying or whatever this is happening specifically because it's about or because it inconveniences or it upsets or it impacts you personally. As you can probably see, many cognitive distortions work together. And there can be more than one happening at once. As you can also probably see, though many people experience cognitive distortions to varying degrees, the extreme nature and sheer number of them occurring like all at once in the narcissistic personality means there's almost no chance that anything you're saying is going to come through correctly to somebody with this much internal disorder and distortion.

[00:17:13]Even if they don't react in that moment, chances are it's still being garbled and taken wrong. Some cognitive distortions might be worse depending on the mood that this person is in and or if like they're already upset and this is due to how high affect affects the pre-rinal cortex. It essentially shortcircuits logic which is why it's hard to think when you're really upset. But these are still habituated perceptions regardless.

[00:17:38]They become a super highway in the brain that is always taken because it's the path of least resistance since it's the most comfortable and the most used. It causes them a lot of stress to believe these untrue things. Yes. But it would cause narcissists much more stress for them to try and act according to a different set of perceptions and expectations. That would be harder and more uncomfortable. This is extremely difficult to change because the distortions create a self-perpetuating feedback loop that uses itself as evidence for itself. It uses itself as evidence that it's correct. And addressing this requires the person to do the thing that their brain is screaming at them is pointless or harmful or dangerous. That's the only way they can prove to their brain that the brain is wrong. Since narcissists don't typically believe that in the first place, they don't believe that their brain is wrong. You can see why this would be so difficult. Even if somebody wants to change that, even if they're not a narcissist, acting against what the brain wants you to do or is insisting is the safe or correct thing causes most people pretty serious discomfort and anxiety. It's very difficult to do. A narcissist's responses to these distorted perceptions tend to revolve around mostly the same themes. Because if you noticed, the distortions tend to revolve around mostly the same themes. You're ungrateful. You're controlling. You're trying to make me feel bad or embarrass me. You're keeping score. You're targeting me. You're doing this to upset me. You hate me. You're treating me like a slave. You think you're better than me. These are all defensive. Even if they appear antagonistic and offensive because you don't know what you have quote done wrong. Narcissists feel attacked and violated. So they attribute the cause of their outrage to you. This results in the aggressive antagonistic reactions that we discussed earlier because of the position that they've taken. They feel not only wrong but offended, insulted, violated. They've been agrieved. This is an irreparable wrong that has been done to them. A violation of the absolute worst kind.

[00:19:38]And it works. This is perhaps the most important part of the entire thing.

[00:19:43]Whether they realize and understand why it works or not is irrelevant. It does.

[00:19:48]And they can see that. years of engaging in this behavior and receiving the same results has made it very clear to them as it would do to anybody, even if only subconsciously. If you do this, people will back off. You will get your way.

[00:20:03]You will get attention. You will get validation. You will receive resources from the group or the community. You will not be pressed or pushed or forced to take accountability and responsibility. They would have to be completely oblivious not to see that, and they're not. As we discussed in the episode about the dark triad and virtuous victimhood, people with strong dark triad markers are more likely to signal victimhood in order to receive personal benefits. The type of victimhood that is most highly rewarded in our society is a virtuous victim.

[00:20:34]That is to say, a completely innocent victim. A person who is engaging in no risky or illicit behavior at all. They they brought nothing on themselves. They were deeply harmed or terribly wronged just for no reason. As this coincides with the polarized binary black and white way that narcissists already view the world, it should be no surprise to anybody that this is exactly the angle they tend to take. And why wouldn't they? Simply put, this behavior has become an entrenched habit in a person because it continued and because it was successful. Why would somebody stop doing something that's working for them?

[00:21:09]Now, you might argue that this behavior is actually not successful for them and in the long term bigger picture, you will be correct. But in terms of what they are looking to achieve in that very moment, it works well. Too well actually so well that in many people and narcissists specifically it can become the default reaction whenever they feel called out, exposed or offended. That's really a shame because it essentially destroys any ability they had to receive and process the feedback that could actually make their lives better and address the issue. They are however generally not concerned with that in the moment and they're able to justify anything in order to nullify any cognitive dissonance they might be experiencing. Anyway, the reality as you can see is that there's not a whole lot you can do here. There is something between you and this person that is distorting what you're saying in real time as you are saying it. That makes sense when you step back and look at the situation, too. Because though many narcissists are smart, they're not that smart. Almost nobody could go back and catch and keep up with every single one of these things every single time and intentionally twist it the exact same way after initially understanding it correctly. The level of consistency alone here points to an automatic process rather than an intentional reframing. That's not to say that doesn't occur. Of course, it does.

[00:22:32]However, overall, it appears to be something that is just happening to this person, largely in part due to the things that we are outlining in this episode and things that we've discussed in other episodes such as splitting. The narcissist doesn't recognize this as an issue because many people with cognitive distortions don't. It feels reasonable and logical to them to have come to these conclusions about the situation given the lenses through which they are viewing. If you add in the other limitations that narcissists also have in the areas of cognition, perception, processing, and you combine that with the position of power that they feel they're inhabiting via their outrage, you get a pretty clear picture of a person who is essentially incapable of seeing the real issue here or of addressing it in any real way. If you're dealing with this situation, there are a few things that you need to remember so that you don't get swept up in the emotional responses this behavior is designed to provoke. Number one, outrage does not automatically make somebody right. A big emotional response does not mean someone's correct or even that what they're saying has any real substance or importance or value. Sorry, not sorry.

[00:23:41]It doesn't. Number two, outrage does not automatically make someone or something more important. Having big feelings about something doesn't make someone more important than whatever else is going on or other people. Again, being upset does not automatically infer substance or value to what somebody is saying. It also does not automatically bestow importance onto it or mean that now action automatically must be taken in order to remedy this situation. Just not true. Number three, it isn't your job to take responsibility for somebody else's emotional state. Honest outrage is geared at creating change or ends up being a catalyst for it. And in the context of actual wrongdoing, this is a great thing. However, someone who uses big feelings and outrage to control or manipulate other people into doing what they want is weaponizing this. Point blank period. Outrage can be weaponized very easily, and it can be used to bully people by threatening them with being branded as unfair, uncaring, and whatever else is deemed socially undesirable in context to the situation and could result in being ostracized.

[00:24:48]Some things really are outrageous. They are outrageous, egregious wrongs, and they should be treated as the offenses that they truly are. Some things are not, though. As we've been discussing, some people will express outrage just because they dislike or disagree with something. They just don't like it and they want it to go away. Sharpen your discernment and engage in reality testing with people that you trust to examine situations that you're not sure about. Just because someone tells you that you've done something wrong doesn't mean you actually have. Guilt is a conditioned response. It is imperative for society to function the way that it should. If people don't have the capacity to feel guilt, they're typically not going to be safe members of a community. Unfortunately, guilt can also be weaponized very easily. People tend to feel guilt whenever they're told that they've done something wrong, even if they know that they haven't. Because of this, it's important to work on being secure with yourself and your choices so that no one is able to take advantage of the fact that you're a decent feeling human being who legitimately cares if you have wronged or hurt somebody.

[00:25:52]Because the sad truth is some people will do that. For most people, outrage is a genuine reaction given only to serious wrongs done to them or to other people. For narcissists, outrage is just another weapon in the arsenal of emotional terror tactics that they use to try to bend the world to their selfish, capriccious, often bizarre will. They generally overplay their hand, and this often backfires on them either initially or eventually, but they never seem to learn to stop doing it.

[00:26:23]Perhaps they can't. Morse to pity considering how many people they hurt with that. Remember, big reactions don't always mean a big wrong was done, and they are not a reason to automatically assume a person's feelings are now more important than anything else going on.

[00:26:39]Feelings are important. Yes, they need to be considered, but feelings are not always the most important thing, and one person's feelings are almost never more important than everyone and everything else. Stop moving aside so other people can take up space doesn't belong to them. That space is yours. use it and own it.

[00:27:02]I hope this clears a few things up for you. As always, I look forward to your comments, questions, and suggestions.

[00:27:08]So, please keep those coming. I take appointments online, over the phone, via text, via messenger, via email, and through Skype and Zoom for clients worldwide. So, if you are interested in speaking with me about this or anything else, you can visit littleshaman.org to do that. I have several books in publication. So, if you are interested in picking up a copy of any or all of those, you can visit littleshaman.org to do that or find them on Amazon.com. I teach workshops, seminars, and clinics.

[00:27:37]So, if you are interested in seeing what we're running this month, you can visit littleshaman.org to do that. And if you are interested in joining our support group with weekly support meetings, access to exclusive content, and more, you can visit littleshaman.org to do that as well. You have been listening to the meditations and more podcast brought to you by translational healing and little shaman.org. That's me, the little shaman. May the great spirit bless you.

[00:28:03]Have a beautiful day.