I’d Rather Be Alone Than Lose Myself Again

Added: 2026-05-12

[00:00:00]A few years ago, if you'd have told me I'd would be 55 years old, single, rebuilding my life from scratch, and actually okay with staying that way, I honestly wouldn't have believed you.

[00:00:16]Because for most of my life, I thought um that relationships were the goal.

[00:00:25]You know, you meet somebody, you commit, you fight for it, you sacrifice, you keep showing up no matter what.

[00:00:35]That's what I believed.

[00:00:38]And honestly, I probably believed it just a little too much.

[00:00:45]Because somewhere along the way, especially in my marriage, I stopped asking whether the relationship was healthy, and started believing that my job was just to hold it all together, no matter what it cost me.

[00:01:04]And [clears throat] that mindset, you know, almost destroyed me.

[00:01:08]And not all at once.

[00:01:12]In my case, it was narcissistic abuse.

[00:01:16]I just didn't have a name for it back then.

[00:01:20]I only knew that over the years, I was becoming somebody that I didn't even recognize anymore.

[00:01:28]You know, maybe for somebody else, it was emotional neglect or constant criticism, you know, walking on eggshells, or you know, just feeling invisible in their own relationship.

[00:01:42]But whatever the cause, it happens little by little.

[00:01:47]You stop speaking up as much, you stop relaxing, you know, you start explaining yourself constantly, you second-guess your own reactions, you know, you you second-guess even your own thoughts.

[00:02:03]>> [clears throat] >> You start trying to prevent problems before they even happen.

[00:02:09]And after enough years of living like that, you don't even recognize yourself anymore.

[00:02:17]That's the part that hit me the hardest afterwards.

[00:02:21]You know, not losing the marriage, but losing myself.

[00:02:26]And and I think people who haven't gone through something like that sometimes misunderstand why people like me end up choosing peace over another relationship later in life.

[00:02:40]You know, they think you're bitter or maybe angry or selfish, but honestly for me, it's none of those.

[00:02:50]It's It's really none of those things.

[00:02:52]I I don't hate relationships.

[00:02:55]You know, I know healthy relationships exist.

[00:02:59]I know there's good women in the world.

[00:03:03]This isn't me saying love is fake or nobody should get married.

[00:03:08]That's not what this is.

[00:03:11]This is me finally understanding what it cost me to abandon myself for years, you know, trying to save something that was slowly destroying me.

[00:03:25]Once you finally get out of that kind of environment, peace starts feeling different.

[00:03:31]You know, not exciting, not dramatic, just safe.

[00:03:37]And if you've lived for years walking on eggshells, safe becomes priceless.

[00:03:44]That's something that I never understood before.

[00:03:48]I used to think peace sounded boring.

[00:03:52]But now I protect it with everything I have.

[00:03:58]And I think that's why being single at this stage of life doesn't scare me the way people think it should.

[00:04:08]Because I'm not sitting around miserable every day thinking that, you know, nobody wants me.

[00:04:15]Honestly, for the first time in a long time I can actually hear myself think.

[00:04:22]There's no tension in the house.

[00:04:26]>> [clears throat] >> There's no emotional landmines.

[00:04:31]There's, you know, no trying to figure out what mood somebody's in before you walk into a room.

[00:04:40]There's no constant pressure to prove you're enough.

[00:04:45]And if if you've ever lived through that kind of relationship it it's hard to explain how exhausting that becomes over time.

[00:04:57]Especially for men.

[00:05:00]Because a lot of men are are taught to just tolerate it.

[00:05:03]You know, push through it, handle it.

[00:05:06]Stay quiet, work harder, be stronger.

[00:05:10]So, that's what you do.

[00:05:13]Until one day you wake up and realize you spent years surviving instead of living.

[00:05:21]That realization hit me hard after everything fell apart.

[00:05:27]And and when I say everything, I mean everything.

[00:05:32]You know, my entire life changed financially, emotionally, mentally.

[00:05:38]You know, there there were moments that [clears throat] I honestly didn't recognize my own life anymore.

[00:05:45]And and wasn't entirely sure I wanted to live it at all.

[00:05:51]And and I think something happens to you after you rebuild from the ground up.

[00:05:58]You become a whole lot more careful about what you allow into your peace.

[00:06:06]Because when you've had to rebuild yourself once or or more than that even, you realize how much damage the wrong person can do.

[00:06:19]You know, and that changes you.

[00:06:22]And I know some people hear that and think immediately, "Well, that just means you haven't healed."

[00:06:30]You know, maybe.

[00:06:32]But I also think that there's wisdom that comes from surviving something painful.

[00:06:38]You know, not every wall is bitterness.

[00:06:41]Sometimes it's experience.

[00:06:43]Sometimes it's finally learning your own limits.

[00:06:48]And honestly, I think part of getting older is realizing you don't have to force yourself into situations that no longer feel right just because society expects it.

[00:07:02]There's so much pressure around relationships, especially at my age.

[00:07:07]People act like if you're single over 50, that something must be wrong.

[00:07:13]Like happiness only counts if another person validates it.

[00:07:18]And and I just don't believe that anymore.

[00:07:22]Because some of the loneliest moments of my life happened while I was married.

[00:07:29]You know, that's another thing that people don't talk about enough.

[00:07:34]You can feel completely alone sitting right next to somebody else every day.

[00:07:40]Actually, sometimes that kind of loneliness is even worse.

[00:07:45]Because when you're physically alone, at least there's honesty in it.

[00:07:52]But being emotionally abandoned inside of a relationship, that does something to a person.

[00:07:59]And I think that's why my perspective has changed so much.

[00:08:05]Now, when I think about a relationship, I don't think, "Would this make me happy?"

[00:08:13]I think, "Would this cost me my peace?"

[00:08:17]That's a completely different mindset.

[00:08:20]And and maybe some people won't understand.

[00:08:23]You know, unless unless they've lived through it themselves. I mean, but after narcissistic abuse, your nervous system changes.

[00:08:35]You stop craving intensity.

[00:08:39]You stop romanticizing chaos.

[00:08:42]And you stop confusing emotional exhaustion with passion.

[00:08:48]And for the first time in your life, calm actually feels attractive.

[00:08:54]And that's where I'm at now.

[00:08:57]I'm not chasing excitement anymore.

[00:09:00]I'm not trying to prove I'm lovable anymore.

[00:09:03]I'm not trying to rescue anybody.

[00:09:06]And I'm not and I'm not trying to earn basic respect.

[00:09:11]I just want honesty, peace, and stability.

[00:09:17]You know, freedom [snorts] to be myself.

[00:09:21]And if that exists naturally someday with somebody else, well, great.

[00:09:27]But if it doesn't, I'm okay.

[00:09:31]That's the part I never thought I'd say.

[00:09:35]I'm actually okay.

[00:09:38]Because for a long time I thought being alone automatically meant failure.

[00:09:45]Now I think losing yourself is the real failure.

[00:09:49]And rebuilding yourself and protecting your mental peace learning who you are again after years of emotional survival that matters more [clears throat] to me right now than being in another relationship.

[00:10:05]So I don't have to say I'm single.

[00:10:09]And honestly, I think more people feel this way than they than than they actually admit.

[00:10:16]Especially people over 50, you know, who went through a divorce or a toxic relationship betrayal or emotional abuse.

[00:10:25]You know, a lot of people are exhausted.

[00:10:27]They're not bitter.

[00:10:29]There's a difference.

[00:10:32]And when you finally get your nervous system out of survival mode you become very protective of that calm.

[00:10:41]That's where I'm at now.

[00:10:44]It's me and my fat-headed old dog Bruno.

[00:10:48]You know, my life, my peace.

[00:10:50]And maybe someday I'll feel different.

[00:10:56]I'm open to that.

[00:10:59]But I'm no longer willing to sacrifice or sacrifice myself just to avoid being alone.

[00:11:08]You know, I already did that once.

[00:11:13]And it cost me way too much.

[00:11:17]This is something that resonates with you all of those stories are right here on my channel.

[00:11:25]Check them out.