They Look Like Balloon Animals | Week 11 Supercut | RBL Weekly, Season Four

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[00:00:05]The number seven battle of the week.

[00:00:14]>> Hell yeah. I came uh paid $200 for a flight just to roast a handicap person.

[00:00:21]I've never done that before, so I'm pretty excited. Uh I love your Hawaiian shirt. You kind of look like you just washed up on Paradise Beach.

[00:00:29]Uh, but let's get into it. Um, I don't know if you guys can tell, but just so you know, these are Logan's public legs.

[00:00:37]>> These are his Yeah, these are his go-go gadget feet.

[00:00:42]Yeah, Logan lost his feet drunkenly one night on his 21st birthday when he got hit by a train.

[00:00:49]Just pretty embarrassing. Pretty embarrassing to get your ankles taken by Thomas.

[00:00:56]>> Yeah. And you guys don't even want to see what it looks like underneath that.

[00:00:59]His legs basically look like fists.

[00:01:02]He's only [ __ ] going to punch you with his legs.

[00:01:08]>> Do you guys know what it's like roasting someone whose family built the railroad you got ran over?

[00:01:20]>> He wanted to roast because he's like, I'm pretty sure I can eat with his legs afterwards.

[00:01:29]FUN fact about Cam. He's Asian and black. Notoriously two people who struggle with hard Rs.

[00:01:43]>> I'm sorry.

[00:01:43]>> Yeah.

[00:01:45]>> You're here for your revenge. Your revenge?

[00:01:50]>> I'm [ __ ] I'm over six foot. I got my revenge.

[00:01:54]>> Yeah. Yeah. You used to be 6'. Now you're no foot.

[00:02:02]>> I'M STILL TALL. [ __ ] YOU GUYS >> with the lace ON THE WOMEN ARE DUMB AS [ __ ] THEY DON'T CARE.

[00:02:13]>> You're as tall as the judges without the lace.

[00:02:16]>> I proved that I'm taller than Ari. You guys are >> you guys mentioned earlier? Hey. Hey.

[00:02:23]Make fun of each other, [ __ ] All right. Hey, uh, keep it going for one of Joe Rogan's sex robots.

[00:02:45]Uh, Logan is a veteran. His feet are currently serving overseas in Iran.

[00:02:52]Uh he was also a a firefighter in the Air Force. Yeah, he used to be a firefighter. Now he's just fighting for his life.

[00:03:01]>> Yeah, I don't think he saw any action.

[00:03:03]Um so only his legs suffered from PTSD post train stress disorder.

[00:03:12]Thank you, Bruce. Bruce Lee.

[00:03:16]Uh Cam being black and Asian. Uh, he lives his life, drives it like he stole it.

[00:03:26]You know, Fast and Furious body cam.

[00:03:31]Too racist. I'm sorry.

[00:03:36]Everybody keep it going for Forest Stump.

[00:03:42]>> Yeah, Logan. Believe it or not, Logan actually loves running. He's an avid runner. He runs all the time. Although personally, I don't think it counts cuz you're still fat.

[00:03:51]I don't think you're burning anything.

[00:03:53]You're basically a human cyber truck.

[00:03:59]Uh yeah, Logan is the only one who can put in a 13-minute mile with zero steps.

[00:04:07]>> I want to hear [ __ ] from you, wacky chan.

[00:04:11]It's like there's a rush hour six and I'm like, "Fuck it. You can't afford both.

[00:04:17]COMBINE THEM.

[00:04:20]Here's the thing. Fun fact about Cam. He was homeschooled. That's not the reason he's illiterate.

[00:04:27]It's because his teacher was black.

[00:04:31]>> Yeah, it was my dad.

[00:04:34]>> HE STUCK AROUND.

[00:04:36]>> YEAH. HE'S TAUGHT me everything I know.

[00:04:41]>> Uh, hey y'all. Keep going for Patrick Starfey.

[00:04:48]Um, I don't want to just talk about your legs cuz your top half is [ __ ] up, too.

[00:04:54]>> You're man, you're ugly as [ __ ] Uh, >> not all the unfortunate. It's [ __ ] up.

[00:05:00]>> Are you Are you sure your face wasn't hit by a train?

[00:05:05]>> What?

[00:05:06]>> You look like Lord of the Rings if there was a dwarf named Legalis.

[00:05:13]YOU like all the all the stress that was supposed to go to your feet now just goes to your face.

[00:05:20]>> Here's a fun fact about Cam. He's married to a black woman. So, I'm going to do the math for you guys real quick.

[00:05:26]Grandma Korean, grandfather black.

[00:05:30]Mom white. Dad half black half Korean.

[00:05:36]Cam quarter quarter half white. That means his son. That's a lot of work to be three-fifths of a person. Am I right?

[00:05:48]>> I thought I was the Asian guy. Why you doing all that math up here? What the [ __ ] You lost my ass. You can tell I'm home.

[00:06:00]>> Uh Logan's also hairy as [ __ ] I've never seen someone who looks like the wolf man and the tin man at the same time.

[00:06:08]>> How are you GOING TO TALK [ __ ] about my hair when your beard is like my feet?

[00:06:14]Sparse.

[00:06:16]Just a lot of little pieces spread over a wide area. Hey, I love your glasses.

[00:06:22]You got those now? So you can see trains coming.

[00:06:26]>> I don't know. I DIDN'T [ __ ] BUILD THEM.

[00:06:30]The number six battle of the week.

[00:06:35]>> Uh, first of all, for can we give it up for Brienne for making it on stage?

[00:06:44]>> Uh, I did not do that to her body.

[00:06:49]No matter what she's going to tell you tonight.

[00:06:52]Uh, first thing I wanted to say is, uh, uh, Brienne has a broken [ __ ] Uh, I did not do that to her body. Um, no. Ran broke her [ __ ] when she had sex with, quote, "An illegal immigrant from the Congo." Uh, >> uh, this is true. She could not have sex for 6 months after that and then she came back for more. Uh >> yeah, >> has only one real political philosophy that I know and it is an open border policy between her legs.

[00:07:31]>> Well, Brian didn't do this to me cuz he doesn't have what it takes.

[00:07:38]>> You can never do that. He's gay, you know.

[00:07:41]>> Yes. Every man who doesn't want to have sex with Brianna is gay and not being polite.

[00:07:54]Listen, it was really hard for me to write for this roast because while Brian is one of my best friends, I also don't listen when he speaks.

[00:08:02]Ladies, sometimes a man is just a tight hole with a with a pretty face. Jesus Christ. I COULDN'T EVEN SAY IT. NO, NO, NO. I CAN'T EVEN SAY SHUT THE [ __ ] UP, BRIAN. IT'S MY TURN. GOD DAMN IT. HE TALKS SO [ __ ] MUCH.

[00:08:16]THAT'S WHY I CAN'T LISTEN. WE'RE ON THE PHONE FOR 4 HOURS and he's not done with the same story he did when he was started. It's crazy. No, I I I'm done.

[00:08:25]You know what? You interrupted me. It's fine. Go. No, go ahead. You want to go?

[00:08:29]I'm pissed.

[00:08:35]>> All right. All right. We're going. We're going. We're going. All right. Just think about I wanted to compliment you.

[00:08:38]Uh people don't know Brian's actually incredibly talented. Uh, back in high school, she was a McDonald's all-American athlete.

[00:08:49]Yeah. Uh, her sport McDonald's. Um, she averaged a triple McDouble. Uh, first team all door dash.

[00:09:04]>> Brian is from Walla Walla, Washington.

[00:09:07]>> Shout out. Shout out. a city so nice you had to name it twice.

[00:09:12]And in true Pacific Northwest fashion, Brian's also voluntarily unemployed and selling plasma for gas money.

[00:09:23]Sounds like Brian needs to work at Walla Wall or get to Walaw Walkin. You know, >> I worked at McDonald's, [ __ ] You don't work anywhere. GET A JOB. Come on.

[00:09:37]Uh Brian thinks having sex with white men is gross. Uh uh she thinks uh they're weak and can't handle quote everything she's got go with all uh that's why she prefers black men, but I feel as though I can speak for black men when I say uh no thank you.

[00:10:00]>> Go home.

[00:10:04]>> No, NO, NO. THAT'S NOT EVEN THAT'S NOT EVEN ACCURATE. I GOT 75 BLACK MEN ON my line. OKAY.

[00:10:12]THE LAST TIME A BLACK MAN SAID NO TO ME WAS NEVER. OKAY.

[00:10:19]God damn.

[00:10:21][ __ ] a. She's coming up here and lying. That's [ __ ] crazy. She's actually She's like, I get [ __ ] >> Brian's dad is a dentist, so he thinks the only way to make money is in someone else's mouth, YOU KNOW?

[00:10:54]CAN'T GET YOUR TONGUE. CAN'T GET your tooth right there. She That's crazy.

[00:10:59]Hey, I know a guy. I got you. as a matter of shout out Prager Ridge. Shout out uh Yeah. You know what I'm saying? Uh now uh y'all Brian Brian's a real tough cookie. All right. She's been through a lot of dick. You know what I'm saying?

[00:11:19]She's been through. She's been through a lot. Uh but no matter what life what in life comes her way, uh she's always able to take it on the chin, you know. Um but uh luckily for her she has two um listen. THAT'S DAMN RIGHT. MORE LOVE.

[00:11:46]You know more love, BABY. NOW BRIAN'S so gay. How gay is he? He won't [ __ ] me unless it's Sunday.

[00:11:57]And that's ON GETTING RIGHT WITH THE LORD.

[00:12:05]Talking about being a horny right make B's [ __ ] wet. Ask her to walk up a flight of stairs.

[00:12:20]What does that EVEN When's the LAST TIME YOU'RE PUSHING OUT WALKING ON THE FLIGHT OF STAIRS? IT DOESN'T EVEN MAKE SENSE. It doesn't make sense.

[00:12:37]>> LISTEN, HE HE DIDN'T TELL A SINGLE LIE, OKAY? AND HE KNOWS THAT FROM EXPERIENCE.

[00:12:43]>> HEY, now that shit's fire.

[00:12:46]>> Period.

[00:12:47]>> I'm playing not sleep WITH EACH OTHER.

[00:12:48]>> BRIAN'S FAVORITE TIME TO EAT [ __ ] is after the gym.

[00:12:53]Why is that? Exactly. Because that's when they're too weak to fight.

[00:13:04]>> Oh man.

[00:13:10]>> Thank you very much.

[00:13:14]>> The number five battle of the week.

[00:13:17]the truth.

[00:13:20]>> Jessica's had 56 abortions.

[00:13:25]>> Okay.

[00:13:26]Most people call her a [ __ ] but I just call her mom.

[00:13:33]All right. Hell yeah.

[00:13:36]Hey guys, give it up for this upright ferret. You know, Chris was, believe it or not, Chris was really popular in high school. He was voted most likely to be scooped up by a falcon and eaten in a tree.

[00:13:53]>> Chris, if you're here, then who's out there tunneling for the Jews? You [ __ ] mole rat.

[00:14:02]>> Yeah, dude.

[00:14:03]>> Jessica's had 56 abortions.

[00:14:08]>> Now, that sounds like a lot until you compare it to the number of guys that came inside of her. Yeah, that is true. I have had a lot of guys coming aside of me, dude. And I do it again. Brian, what are you doing after this?

[00:14:26]>> Chris is first generation Cuban and second generation nuclear fallout.

[00:14:35]Yeah, actually wrote a book about it called The Hills Have Crossed Eyes.

[00:14:42]Jessica is a Nazi.

[00:14:44]>> She believes 100. Yeah, >> she believes in a master race, which is why she keeps killing her kids.

[00:15:00]>> That's what I don't want any mixed kids in my America.

[00:15:09]Oh, speaking of, dude. All right, rept.

[00:15:14]Uh, Chris looks like a Mexican folklore used to scare kids out of leaving the yard.

[00:15:22]>> Okay. Uh, Jessica supports ice because she also makes children disappear.

[00:15:36]You know me so well, dude.

[00:15:39]This is a crazy. You guys should see the angle that I'm at. Dude, you look like you got two balloon animals in a headlock.

[00:15:46]All right. Now, all right. That wasn't a joke. I'm just observation.

[00:15:52]Uh, one more time for the new CO strain, everybody.

[00:16:00]When he's not inconveniencing his family, you could find him biting ankles on a cruise ship. All right. Jessica is MAGA and has had 56 abortions.

[00:16:12]>> Yeah.

[00:16:14]>> Okay.

[00:16:15]>> She should take a page out of hero Charlie Kirk and let life end in her throat.

[00:16:20]>> Yeah.

[00:16:26]>> Dude, that's so funny.

[00:16:35]Don't talk about my hero like that, dude.

[00:16:40]Hell yeah, dude.

[00:16:45]>> That was so good.

[00:16:47]I hope you die soon.

[00:16:51]>> Uh, >> feelings mutual, Mom.

[00:16:53]>> Yeah.

[00:16:55]>> Yeah. Heart failure is going to take one of us, dude.

[00:17:00]Uh, Chris is really annoying on social media. He's always like bitching about his rights or whatever.

[00:17:10]Still hung on the Charlie Kirk thing.

[00:17:14]I think you should be more grateful, dude. Like a hundred years ago, they would have sold you to the circus, locked you in a cage, and charged drunks $2 to throw nickels at your head.

[00:17:24]You look like I vacuumed up a fork.

[00:17:30]All right. Yeah. I got >> number four battle of the week.

[00:17:38]>> How we doing, folks? This is Eva Peron.

[00:17:40]She's named after Peroni cuz she smells like piss and gives you a headache.

[00:17:47]And also cuz she's all right if there's nothing better available.

[00:17:52]Eva claims that she does 20,000 steps every day. That's just the runup she needs to reach her top shelf.

[00:18:03]Eva looks like she's eaten more books than she's read.

[00:18:10]All right, guys. This scrawny changeling is Jack Brook Meyer.

[00:18:15]Jack looks like an Asda employee that's only allowed on the night shifts.

[00:18:23]Don't you think it's pretty cool to see Waluigi without the hat on?

[00:18:28]Jack is doing the fringe this year with a full sponsorship from the stand comedy club. YEAH, AN OPPORTUNITY WHICH I WOULD have loved to have had if I didn't turn it down for something better. Uh Yeah, that's that's true. Eva's doing the the brass tax comedy run, which is is sponsored by Red Bull, which is very funny cuz she looks like she's not allowed energy drinks.

[00:19:03]You may notice Eva laughs like a school bully from a film you get shown in RE.

[00:19:11]Although there's another laugh that there's a different laugh she does if something's really funny, which you probably won't hear from me, but uh she her other laugh and you you might hear it at some point. When she laughs really hard, she laughs like Jimmy Carr if he was trapped in the body of a fruitly.

[00:19:28]Uh Eva has a lot of labels. She's Catholic, a lesbian, working class, and biologically she's categorized as a fungus.

[00:19:40]Uh, you might be able to tell, but Jack is really into heavy metal. Yeah, that's why he looks like he's got lead poisoning.

[00:19:47]Jack says that heavy metal really speaks to him, which is good because nobody else does. Um, it's mental that Jack's music taste is so hardcore when he looks like he needs to have his socks on to come.

[00:20:03]My feet get cold.

[00:20:10]Um, Eva has experimented with men in the past, but has since discovered that she's only attracted to women and marsupials.

[00:20:21]Uh, Eva seems like the type of person who, as a teenager, when asked by a porn website if she's over 18, clicked no.

[00:20:34]Eva looks like if Roadkill got to be human for a day.

[00:20:46]I don't want to call Jack a pathetic sub, but he got his rib cage removed so he can bow down lower.

[00:20:54]Jack is such a pathetic sub. He comments gorgeous under pictures of his mom.

[00:21:01]Jack is such a pathetic sub. His favorite position is fetal. Um uh Eva got sent to a special school in Costa Rica at one point in her life. It was called Charles Xavier's School for Stupid Bastards.

[00:21:20]It's where I met Lucha. UH uh Eva looks like she's in a polycool made up entirely of woodland creatures.

[00:21:33]Eva used to do powerlifting and at her peak she was really good at it. She could lift almost twice her body weight which meant she could lift five bread sticks in a Snickers jewel.

[00:21:45]Uh you might have noticed I am seed tonight but actually so did Jack molested children.

[00:21:52]Oh man, you are going to hate this one.

[00:21:57]Jack was born in Aberdine, which explains his genetic predisposition to balding.

[00:22:06]Jack looked like he hatched from an egg.

[00:22:09]H Eva told me her dad used to be a minor.

[00:22:17]Yeah, that's how aging works.

[00:22:29]Uh, most of Eva's family are criminals and degenerates, I assume.

[00:22:35]It's genuinely hard to imagine, but yeah, Eva does come from a criminal family. It must be the first criminal enterprise to ever launder their money through a gluten-free bakery.

[00:22:45]All right, I didn't want to do this one, but Eva insisted. So, Eva's dad is a gypsy. Um, yeah, [ __ ] strap in.

[00:22:56]Eva's dad is a gypsy. Eva is proud of her gypsy heritage, which is why most of her material is stolen.

[00:23:05]It's for you, big guy.

[00:23:09]Jack, genuinely, this is true. Jack used to work renting out motor homes, right?

[00:23:13]Do you realize how [ __ ] embarrassing it is when my people are your clients, right?

[00:23:19]You're the only [ __ ] that can be below a traveler. That's so embarrassing.

[00:23:24]I don't know if you guys have seen Jack do comedy. Probably not. But his act is mostly impressions, which a lot of people would say is a lesser form of comedy.

[00:23:38]Jack, if you're here, who's in the Pornhub comment section saying more of her, please? Uh, I don't know if you guys remember Ryan Cullen who was on earlier. He has a he has a film podcast called Absolute Cuts.

[00:23:52]Jack wanted to go on it actually until he realized it was about movies and not self harm.

[00:24:01]Uh, Eva's mom used to be an MSP for labor, so even before she gave birth to Eva, she already had plenty of experience wasting taxpayers money on a massive disappointment.

[00:24:12]You went to private school, you [ __ ] uh Eva looks like she'd have an allergic reaction to compressed air.

[00:24:23]>> And yeah, we better finish up now cuz Eva needs to get back to gentrifying the Shire.

[00:24:30]>> THAT'S THOSE GUYS.

[00:24:32]>> The number three battle of the week.

[00:24:44]Oh no, you guys. The guy you avoided sitting next to on the bus has followed you here.

[00:25:09]Uh Helen is a Russian. Um but she actually um sponsored a Ukrainian refugee to come to London so she could kill her.

[00:25:33]I used to invite her to my gigs which pretended not to speak English.

[00:25:37]Um, Adam, every time I see you perform, I just have to think how unenthusiastic was your father's other sperm.

[00:25:54]It's like, oh, [ __ ] it. It's going to be a ginger.

[00:26:01]Um, Helen looks like she's just given a lot of blood.

[00:26:24]Well, you look like you don't eat [ __ ] cuz it doesn't come in a meal deal.

[00:26:36]>> Well, I I think Helen is a striking um beauty. Um her skin so white it gleams like porcelain cuz so many men have defecated on it.

[00:27:02]Thank you, Jesus of Naz.

[00:27:09]Uh uh Adam has been with his Asian girlfriend for 15 years.

[00:27:17]15 years. That's longer than Adam Green has been judging Rose Battle. Um, and he still has not proposed.

[00:27:26]How many happy endings does she have to give before she can get one?

[00:27:31]>> Now, obviously, uh, he can't give her a ring because his party already took it to Mordor.

[00:27:43]Um, Helen uh has decided not to have children, but just in case, she is going to freeze her eggs by keeping them in her ovaries.

[00:28:06]Um, Adam looks like he thinks he can use the force and also thinks that the use of the force does not make it very >> well. Um, nothing to say there's wrong.

[00:28:46]She made that clear. All joking aside, >> I'm sure you'll never just cuz it's like not worth the hustle.

[00:28:55]>> Hey, Russia has caused the energy crisis. He's having it right now.

[00:29:03]Well, look, you know, it's been a lot of fun.

[00:29:09]Um, listen, there's any uh guy out there interested in, you know, um, hooking up with Helen, best way to contact her is through a medium.

[00:29:21]But, uh, you you'd be very lucky. Very lucky. I've heard that sex has been described with Helen as a bit like the Trans Siberian Railway.

[00:29:35]Very cold, uh, incredibly tedious and has a dick. BUT I think, uh, >> the number two battle of the week.

[00:29:58]I am very excited to be roasting someone that's fatter than me. Uh it's it just feels good. Uh you know, Trey is is very interesting for those of you in New York that don't know. Um so this part here, easy girl. Easy girl. THIS PART HERE IS CALLED THE CHUCK. THAT'S WHERE YOU GET YOUR BURGERS.

[00:30:19]But down here's where you get sirloins.

[00:30:20]Like this uh I'm kidding. Trey's never been hospitalized for his weight. Uh, no, they have to take him to the zoo for that.

[00:30:32]Pretty good.

[00:30:34]All right. All right, Hostess Malone, let's do this.

[00:30:39]>> Yeah, we didn't think Mike was going to make it here tonight, man. His transmission keeps going out on his race car bed. It's a real problem.

[00:30:46]I don't know. Look at Mike. Mike looks like he lost custody of his inner child.

[00:30:51]Dude, you look like you have a prescription bed.

[00:30:58]Yeah, dude. Me and your mama are real happy about it, didn't you, dude? Trey got off the plane and they started calling him the sixth burrow.

[00:31:07]Uh, true story. So, when Trey first moved to Austin, he was too fat to use the shower in his apartment.

[00:31:14]So, he joined a gym to shower.

[00:31:19]Do you UNDERSTAND HOW CLOSE HE WAS TO FIXING THE PROBLEM? TREY, I KNOW YOU DON'T GET IT. IT'D BE LIKE GOING TO A RESTAURANT, TOO. Wash your hands.

[00:31:28]I don't do that either.

[00:31:31]No. Planet Fitness got a tan in bed, dude. That's why I No, I I like Mike.

[00:31:36]Mike looks like Boss Baby grew up to be an assistant manager at a vape.

[00:31:45]And they laugh.

[00:31:47]Oh my god, I love Trey so much. Uh Trey, uh you can probably tell by his voice, but he does not understand anything about Israel versus Palestine.

[00:31:55]He goes, "Man, a hummus is just boring peanut butter."

[00:31:59]Uh Trey, for you to understand, that's roughly 15 million people fighting over an area about this size.

[00:32:14]If I knew where that was in the world, I'd be mad.

[00:32:17]I sure don't. Well, you are a globe.

[00:32:24]Hey, [ __ ] you, dude.

[00:32:28]No, Mike. Mike Mike told me that he's a freak in bed. I don't know, man. He looks like he puts his underwear on backwards and his ass gets hard. You know what I mean? No, seriously. Mike told me he likes getting choked in bed every single night. Yeah, he waits for his girl waits for him to fall asleep and she unplugs his CPAT machine.

[00:32:46]Dude, I can't believe I get to say this.

[00:32:48]I know you are, but what am I?

[00:32:52]>> We shared a hotel room last night. That had to have sounded like a riot going off.

[00:32:58]>> They called ICE. They're like, I think it's immigrant raccoons in there.

[00:33:02]Oh man, Trey uh is so funny cuz he's addicted to strip clubs. Uh which I mean, I get it. You have to pay for it.

[00:33:09]>> I'm addicted to cocaine, first of all.

[00:33:12]>> Yeah. And you're shaped like an eightball. Uh so Trey is addicted to strip clubs. IT'S GOT TO BE THE WORST investment ever because for every lap dance, he has to buy one for each of his four laps.

[00:33:25]>> Strip clubs, club sandwiches. It's all the same thing.

[00:33:29]>> Yeah. This just says Mike's a fat over and over and over.

[00:33:34]>> You got that tattoo?

[00:33:36]>> No, you got worse tattoos than me, buddy, >> brother.

[00:33:40]>> All right, Rosie Donald, shut up. Let me tell this. I uh >> Mike look Mike Ms look like you would shoot up a middle school with finger guns. You know what I'm saying?

[00:33:51]You look like Dave Blunts in white face.

[00:33:55]>> Oh, some of you know that's cool.

[00:33:58]So I I was reading So do you guys are you familiar with the practice of docking?

[00:34:04]>> So So some of you that don't know so docking is when two gay men take their penises and they overlap four skins so they get stuck together. Yeah, IT'S VERY GROSS. AND I THINK THAT THEY should change the name because I think docking is a much more appropriate term for when Trey has sex. Uh because his boner is fully inside of his FOA, so he has to to push on and then dock to get in there.

[00:34:26]It'd be like plugging in your iPhone, but the charging cord is inside of a bean bag.

[00:34:33]>> Docking.

[00:34:34]>> It almost got there, buddy.

[00:34:38]>> Like you with the stairs. All right.

[00:34:41]You know, we're both up here.

[00:34:45]>> We're both roasting at 400 p.m.

[00:34:47]>> behind you.

[00:34:48]>> I know.

[00:34:50]I don't know. Mike Mike sleeps around.

[00:34:52]He's down there in Austin. He sleeps around a lot. It's pretty cold. But he comes super fast. It's a real problem.

[00:34:58]Mike spoke so many >> Mike spoke so many shitty comedians for a minute in Austin, they started calling him Kill Tony.

[00:35:09]>> All right.

[00:35:11]The number one battle of the week.

[00:35:19]>> Yeah. Uh so this is a battle between a carrot top and a guy who didn't eat enough carrots.

[00:35:31]>> YEAH.

[00:35:36]YEAH. And uh Brandon uh Brandon's from uh Flint, Michigan. Um even their drinking water is clearer than Brandon's vision, >> man. Now you got to bring my people into it, man. It's [ __ ] up. Yo, uh first of all, I'd like to thank you from taking time off of trying to murder Bart Simpson to be here.

[00:36:06]Sorry if you heard that before, but like uh but to be real, like uh Connor's dad was a cop, a dare officer. He actually designed the mascot Darren the Lion. He was inspired when he saw his son's stupid ass haircut.

[00:36:23]I didn't even have this hair back then.

[00:36:28]How do you know what my hair looks like?

[00:36:34]I can smell it. I can smell it. Okay.

[00:36:38]Okay.

[00:36:41]That's crazy.

[00:36:43]Um, so Brandon, he voted for Trump. Um, I don't know. It wasn't his fault. He thought he was making a deposit at the bank.

[00:36:54]So, >> it's not my fault, man. It's not my fault. Blame him.

[00:37:02]Yo.

[00:37:03]Uh, so first of all, let's have a shout out to the scientists who didn't worry about whether or not they should, but only if they could resurrect this [ __ ] Neanderthal.

[00:37:14]You [ __ ] Fifi fo dumbass.

[00:37:19]Okay.

[00:37:22]It was cold in that ice, man.

[00:37:24]>> Yeah, man.

[00:37:25]>> Yeah. This is crazy. Okay. Brandon actually drove here.

[00:37:31]I swear he was he had a Tesla though. I saw him outside. Yeah. He was like, "Hey man, you guys got a lot of speed bumps around here."

[00:37:44]I was like, "Brandon, your car is covered in blood."

[00:37:49]And >> that was there. And that's a Prius.

[00:37:57]Oh [ __ ] All right. So Connor is obsessed with Wendy's, man. He loves Wendy's. He can't get enough of Wendy's. Wendy's nuts in his mouth.

[00:38:15]>> Damn.

[00:38:18]Why did you tell people about that?

[00:38:21]>> I didn't know that was between us.

[00:38:23]>> Yeah. Yeah. Uh uh Brandon uh used to love to cook and um he liked the movie Ratatouille when he was younger. So when he lost his vision, he went outside to find a rat to help him cook. Um but he picked up a bat by accident and now neither of them could see and the food tastes like [ __ ] I've had it. It's gross.

[00:38:51]>> Oh man. Wendy's is better. Wendy's.

[00:38:59]>> Yo, Connor got the vibe like if the Wendy's girl really wanted to be in the NFL someday. And so she transitioned, took a bunch of steroids, but also took a bunch of edibles, forgot what the [ __ ] he was doing, and just ate a shitload of Wendy's.

[00:39:17]>> Wow. Yeah, that was my day today pretty much.

[00:39:21]Wow. I feel bad. uh for Brandon cuz he's a big fan of wrestling. Um every time like John Cena comes out and he's like you can't see me, Brandon thinks he's taunting him.

[00:39:34]He's like, I know, I know I can't. No, no, no. But I am I'm very envious actually of Brandon in a way cuz he doesn't have to pretend that uh Sydney Sweeney is a good actress.

[00:39:49]That must be so freeing. He's probably never even listened to Euphoria.

[00:39:55]Not even once, man.

[00:39:58]Ah, [ __ ] So, uh, Connor is a fisting virgin.

[00:40:03]He told me he's never been fisted, man. Hold on. I don't do what this [ __ ] Uh, I'm sorry. It says he's never been in a fist fight, which makes sense, man. Like, I feel I wouldn't fight you. I feel like you [ __ ] grind my bones up to bake your weed cookies.

[00:40:27]>> I was trying to look at his jokes. It just looks so bumpy OVER THERE.

[00:40:31]>> IT'S ALL RIGHT THERE IF you want to see.

[00:40:33]>> Yeah, I was trying to see. Yeah, Bren is You can tell he's so illiterate.

[00:40:38]He can't even read an audio book.

[00:40:44]But he he can do a Rubik's cube with his eyes closed.

[00:40:48]He can do him with his eyes open, too.

[00:40:50]It doesn't make a difference.

[00:40:53]It's not correct, but he can do it.

[00:40:55]Yeah. It just matters that I had fun.

[00:40:59]All right.

[00:41:00]Uh [ __ ] Where the [ __ ] is um So, uh Connor here used to be a big big pthead and then he quit smoking weed and now he's just big.

[00:41:16]Hold on. Is that like this? I had this problem earlier. It's not dirty enough for you guys, man. This dude is half Irish, half Arab. Dude, you smell like you use tahini oil before you lube up a sheep to it.

[00:41:28]Is that better?

[00:41:32]All right. Wow. I would never do that.

[00:41:38]>> That's what you smell like. I didn't say you did it.

[00:41:40]>> Yeah. All tahini oil is good. Yeah. I just a waste. Yeah.

[00:41:46]Um, I messaged uh Brandon on Instagram before the roast to like exchange info with him. Um, and he replied, um, H G H SS FV T period B V L K exclamation point. No, I'm okay.

[00:42:05]He didn't reply.

[00:42:08]Yeah, he actually left me on unseen. Hey Nice [ __ ] Like I said, uh Carter like quit smoking weed uh a little while back, but he still like eats junk food, lives in his parents' basement, plays video games, looks and sounds like that because uh weed just stays in your fat cells, guys. That's a fact.

[00:42:37]>> Ain't that that was it.

[00:42:39]>> Yeah. Come on.

[00:42:41]Nice job.