i have control issues // EP 106

[00:00:00]I'm about to cosplay a podcaster for the next hour.

[00:00:09]Stop. Okay, you may notice that I'm in a new location. Don't panic. I haven't finally gotten a studio set up. No, no, no. Nothing like that. I would never.

[00:00:19]This is This is I actually don't know.

[00:00:23]It's like This is like the unwell studio space that they're kindly letting me borrow. because my building has construction in it right now which I love. There is my neighbors upstairs, my upstairs neighbors love them. They're redoing their floor, their whole floor, which is quite agitating on the ears and also the brain after a while. And I couldn't form a thought in there and or at least not very useful ones. None that were nonviolent and definitely none that belong on a podcast. I'm literally dripping sweat because I've never I've never experienced heat like this. I just spent the last week in Bali, okay?

[00:01:03]Famously hot barley. I wasn't as damp at any point as I am right now and all I am doing right now is sitting inside with the AC on. New York is scaring me. I woke up this morning and rather than checking the weather. I live in quite a busy area, right? So, I was like, I'm just going to look outside and see what people are wearing and if they're moving around and like kind of see what the vibes are outside, see if they're playing sports. I'm not kidding. I looked outside. Not one person on the street. Do you know how foroding that is? No one is outside. And there's good reason for that because then I packed up all my podcast stuff in which by the way, turns out at a studio space for a podcast network, they actually have equipment. Turns out they have equipment here for you to use. Didn't think of that. packed up a suitcase with all my podcasting equipment like the good little worker bee that I am. Came over here, broke a sweat that I've never experienced before in my life cuz I've never been in a temperature like this and I've certainly never worked out hard enough to to earn this kind of expulsion. So anyway, nothing interesting really to report there except I did actually spend the last week in Bali and well I have had a couple of revelations but I found myself actually comes to think of it but I have some things to report. I can't take myself seriously in this setup. It's really fun. I've been trying to brainstorm a podcast setup because obviously I like to podcast in my car, but I don't have a car because I'm in New York. So, and I'm not going to get one just for the podcast. I did think about it, but then I was like, that's ridiculous. I'm not doing that. Parking is a bajillion dollars. So, I was like, "Okay, I have I I got an apartment with two bedrooms in it, even though I live alone because I knew I would need a studio space, and I was like probably going to be easier to just put that in my apartment rather than rent out a whole separate studio space." It never really dawned on me that I could use unwells. Like, I could probably do this all the time, but this chair's lovely, but maybe too big. I don't know. I want my own. But I've been like brainstorming lately cuz realistically it could be done by now cuz I've lived in my apartment. Well, I moved in like a month ago. So, I really could have put together a studio. I'm not even finished unpacking though. So, you guys have to give me a [ __ ] hot sec. But like anyway, I've been brainstorming studio space ideas because now I don't have the car. I need to find like a theme for the room and make it look nice. But it's really hard to figure out like what's my aesthetic with a podcast if it's not just a car cuz I don't really have one other than the car. Like that's my enclosure is the car. So what else do I put in a room if I'm going to film in a room? Now whilst having this conundrum, I was also going down the therapy search journey lane. I was also going down therapy search lane. Okay, searching for a therapist. And one of the things that really drew me both in and out of specific therapists was this whole idea of sematic like play like sematic practices and incorporating play into them. You guys know I've been insane from a young age. Okay. And one of the things that therapists used to always have in their rooms when I was small up until I was like 15 was a sand pit and some toys. I can't tell you how badly I didn't want to play with that stupid [ __ ] sand pit. It would piss me off just the sight of it. Low key, I really wanted to play in the sand pit, but not with a therapist in the room cuz I knew that they were going to watch what I was doing. I just Something felt extremely perverse about the sand pit thing. So, I never in all my years of being borderline institutionalized, I never played with the sand pit. And I regret that. And so now as an adult, I'm seeking therapy for a different list of issues. Like my list of issues is now different than it was as a kid. Less psychological, more extreme life events that are hard to process. I kept seeing the sand pit reappear in my adult therapy search. And I was like, I would feel a lot more comfortable nowadays to play with the sand pit. I would I would play with the sand pit if I was presented with one in therapy because I'm number one I'm no longer pissed off that I have to be in the room in the first place. So therefore I might actually like my therapist and would allow them to observe me having fun.

[00:05:39]Number one. Number two, what's number two? Oh, I just really want to play in a sand pit. No one really has those around anymore. You know, as a kid, I was spoiled. Play options everywhere. like sand pit at school, toys at school, little trike, you know, I went home, I had dolls, I had Sylvanians, spoiled.

[00:05:58]Nowadays, there's significantly fewer options. You tell someone you want to play and they bring up sports. No. So, the concept of number one, having a therapist with a sound pit in the room, highly inviting to me. What's even more inviting to me though is I have a little bit of a budget when it comes to the podcast, right? It's a business expense.

[00:06:19]Number one, hallelujah. And number two, low key, I have to make a decision about my set sooner or later. I have to produce some kind of studio. And what could be more fun than my very own therapy style sand pit in the podcast studio. H guys, tell me what you think because I'm about to buy it. Tell me if you think that that would suck or if you think though that's actually cool. What if I set up my my podcast studio again as Oh my god, I'm actually gonna pass out. You guys don't understand. It is so [ __ ] hot. It's so [ __ ] hot. Hold on. I just went so lightheaded. Also, yesterday I went so lightheaded that I nearly fell off my own couch sofa. [ __ ] I nearly fell off my own sofa. It was really scary. The whole room. [ __ ] What do you think? Thoughts? Samp in the room. I just make the set essentially therapist office slightly more chic. But this is a wonderful excuse for me to genuinely buy toys because I want the sand pit. And I was looking cuz I went down this rabbit hole of like kids play pen type [ __ ] you know, like miniature like miniature hospital, miniature like dollhouse, not dollhouse, like kids playhouse chic aesthetic Walmart. And I found rather intriguing things, but they're all too small for a podcast app.

[00:07:41]Like, I can't set up the podcast in an actual princess house, but I can find something adjacent. Thoughts? Or I could get a massive chair. You let me know.

[00:07:50]Let me know. Okay. Anyway, I actually wrote a gut-wrenching episode this week for you, so let me just pull it up. Just kidding. It's not gut-wrenching at all.

[00:07:57]It's actually happy. It's actually really happy. And okay, here's the thing. Oh, but you know what? Before we get into it, I actually have to tell you something else. More important than the fact that I have a control issue. That's the That's what I wrote about this week.

[00:08:11]Anyway, I'm reading Acatar. Yes, I'm reading A Court of Thorns and Roses, which I didn't know was a porn book. I didn't know it was fairy smart. I had no idea what it was about. All I knew is everyone on Earth had recommended that I read this book. And I never listen. I'm so sorry. Respect. I almost never listen. When someone recommends me a book or a TV show or a movie, I say, "Oh, what's it about?" And then I turn off my ears and it's involuntary. It's similar to when I ask someone their name. I can't I don't know. Like I have probably been told what A Court of Thorns and Roses is about upwards of like 50 times. No exaggeration. Maybe small exaggeration, but like it's in that realm. So many people have told me and like my sister's one of them. like my big sister that I love, she raves about this book. And I guess I just remembered the title and then never listened to the rest of it. And then I was preparing for this trip for Bali that I was on last week. And I had said to my assistant that I really want a good new book series that's easy to read and is just like incredibly good fiction. And she was like, "Okay, well, I've heard good things about like the Acatar series. She hasn't read it. I don't know what it's about. I start reading. Start reading on the flight.

[00:09:30]Start reading in the airport. Start reading blah blah blah blah blah blah. I have it out and about with me everywhere cuz I'm just think it's just my new book. It's just my new book. No one told me. Everyone told me I forgot that it's fairy porn. I've been openly reading fairy porn. It's fine. I haven't got to the part where they [ __ ] yet.

[00:09:49]Supposedly, they're going to do that at some point. I [ __ ] hope. The thing is, right, I've been really busy and so I haven't got to the part where anything that exciting has happened yet. She's already been sort of spoiler alert, this is like all within the first two chapters. Close your ears for 30 seconds if you don't want to hear about the first three chapters of [ __ ] I'm actually on like chapter eight, I think, of [ __ ] whatever it's called, Acatar.

[00:10:11]Okay, so she gets taken to Printh. I can't tell if she's going to [ __ ] Tamlin or Lucien. And I think that's a really special place to be because if I can't tell which one of them you're going to [ __ ] I can cross my fingers and hope it's both, you know? And it's like I I at first I was really rooting for her to [ __ ] Lucien because he seemed like he hated her a lot more. And Tamlin is just like kind of this softy, but now I'm learning that Tamillin has extremely more power than Lucien. And so now I'm like, well, you obviously can't actually [ __ ] Lucien because Tamlin is significantly more powerful and this would make the book benign to me.

[00:10:47]However, if you were to [ __ ] both of them, if you were to [ __ ] Tamlin's inferior. Oh my god. And then Oh my god.

[00:10:55]And then Tamlin could maybe like Kate, maybe Kate, hypothetically, maybe Tamlin could turn Lucien into a creature cuz he has the power to do that. And he's like, you're [ __ ] my girl. I'm gonna turn you into a squirrel. So then he turns Lucien into a squirrel. Does that stop them? You tell me. You tell me. The book could go so many ways. I'm just hypothesizing. All right. I'm at the part where Lucien and what is her [ __ ] name? Oh, Fra. I don't know if I'm saying that right. They've just become friends. So, not advocating for beiality, by the way, but I'm just saying it's already bey.

[00:11:33]What category would fairies be in? I know that they are elementals, but IRL like they would be bugs. We would put them in that category. They're small and have wings. We'd call them bugs. So, I guess it wouldn't be bigity. If she was [ __ ] a fairy, but there's got to be a word for people who have sexual interactions with bugs. It would just be hard. So, I reckon that they're rare. If bugs on mass, if bugs on mass were bigger than they are, I think men would probably have as much sex with bugs as they do with animals. Tell me I'm wrong.

[00:12:09]H they've got so many more shape options. Texture options are just endless. I just could see that. Okay.

[00:12:17]Okay. So, anyway, aides from my theory that men would [ __ ] bugs given the chance. It's not that they don't have the chance, obviously. It's just that bugs are too small. If bugs were bigger, bigger, like like dogsized bugs, you can't tell me with any certainty that if a centipede, okay, wasn't dog sized, a man wouldn't find extreme use for that.

[00:12:39]The ones brave enough would. They would.

[00:12:42]I know it. And also, God, fairies wouldn't actually stand a chance. Okay, so yeah. And also the other thing I have to say about the fay in general is number one I'm a bit confused because I do understand that fairies and the fay are slightly separate but fairies are part of the fay. The fay supposedly aren't good as in the same vein within Acatar. Humans think fairies or sorry humans think the fay are like evil and will plot against us. Right. Take our souls and the souls of our children.

[00:13:18]Whatever. Maybe we're wrong about that.

[00:13:20]I would like to be wrong about that. But I am honestly should have done my research before filming this episode cuz low key interesting, but I didn't even think about it till right now. But like I would like to know the official line of difference between fairies and the fay. And I'll tell you for why. Okay. As a child, I had a very close relationship to the fay. I can't lie to you. I did. I feel like I shouldn't say it on camera, but I knew them and they knew me. Like I I but again I don't know if it was the fay or the fairies. Whoever I was [ __ ] with as a kid didn't hurt me though. Like I But I'm just going to promise you heart and soul. Okay. Like they were my friends and that's maybe that's all I can say. Okay. So I actually wrote a whole episode yesterday. I was trying to think up There we go. That's much better. I was trying to think up like what the [ __ ] can I write an episode about because I was just fresh out of ideas essentially.

[00:14:17]But then I remembered something that I've been meaning to think more about but could not be bothered respectfully and with so much love because [ __ ] everyone actually. This is one of those things that is so judged by the outside that even in the privacy of my own home and brain. When it would come to like thinking more about it, I was like, "No, I'm actually not even going to succumb to thinking about this because what's the use?" I like every like it was as if I had like a police force in my brain being like, "If you think about this, they're going to know and they're going to find you and they're going to accuse you of having control issues." So I refused to think about the fact that I had control issues for a long time because of the small police force in my brain. Then I realized that that's ridiculous. And so I sat yesterday and I thought about my control issues that I didn't know I have didn't know I have ever in my life. Like genuinely crazy that I actually think I have control issues now. Like cuz I'm the Here's my thing, okay? I'm like the least controlling person ever in the realms that I normally think about control in like in relationships respectfully. I don't really care what you do. Like I've never needed to know someone's password. I've never really needed to like know all their friends.

[00:15:32]Like but it's also because I don't I don't really care. Maybe if I cared I'd be controlling. I've just never had never really had that experience yet.

[00:15:42]But moving on. Like I don't need to know the plans. If the plans change, I don't care. Like the only times I really experience like wanting to control another person. No, never really. Like I I just don't see myself like the ways in which the things I would see in another person and be like, "Oh, that was controlling." You know, like you didn't let someone do what they wanted to do because it made you feel a certain way or like you impose your insecurities on other people and restrict their choices or restrict their freedom or freedom of thought even is very controlling to me.

[00:16:21]I think one way to be controlling that I've observed in some people is like some people that I would call controlling is like people have this way of having such strong and unmovable opinions and it kind of either forces people to agree with them or be an enemy of them. I think that is controlling in and of itself. Like there's a lot of ways to be controlling and I would say that I'm a perfect angel and do none of them. Like so when it dawned on me that actually I do have an issue with control.

[00:16:52]Essentially here's the backstory. Okay, little backstory fe someone had suggested to me when I was like 10 and I first like went to therapy about having a phobia of vomit. They would have suggested to me then I'm sure of it because people have always thrown this word around with this phobia that it's a thing about control and losing control.

[00:17:12]And it would annoy me because I was like, "No, it's not the losing control that really scares me about throwing up.

[00:17:19]That's just an implicit like part, not implicit, that's just a essential part of the experience of throwing up." Yeah, you do lose control of your body, but it that's not the thing that of itself makes me feel afraid. It's more just that is part of the experience. Yes, but I don't think that that's why I fear the experience. I think it's just part of the experience and I maintained that. I maintained that. Do you want to know what else I maintained? I maintained number one my belief that I had no problem with control. I also maintained about 55 OCD rituals that I believed myself or my family would die if I broke. So, you see how I might have been ever so slightly following the wrong scent to say I have no issue with control. I think I understand why I've always thought this. It's because I truly don't experience Well, here's the thing. It all ties. It makes so much sense. Do you ever Do you ever get like a download and you're like you suddenly understand something about yourself and you're like, "Oh, that was actually right in front of my [ __ ] face. That was right in front of my [ __ ] face."

[00:18:25]and it's such essential information to being able to move forward with my life and it was in front of my face and I haven't seen it ever before. It's crazy.

[00:18:32]So, I I do still have a phobia of sick.

[00:18:35]It doesn't control my life the way it used to, but I still do struggle with it and I still I restrict my life in a lot of ways because of it, but I've done them for so long. I've done those restrictions for so long that they don't even feel restrictive to me anymore. It just feels like the way my life is. And I don't mind it because it's so much less restrictive than it used to be.

[00:18:54]Anyway, I saw this woman talking about having a phobia of sick on my timeline and she was like basically saying again about the control thing and she was like making a case for why people with this phobia need to loosen their grip on control. And I was like, let me hear her out because I've never got the control thing. Everyone else seems to agree with this phobia that it's about control and I don't. And I I'm going to hear her out cuz I really liked her. She basically had said that refusing the illusion of control can help release the grip that the phobia of throwing up will have on your life. Okay. And I was like, but I don't feel like I need an illusion of control. Googling things, facts about illness, facts about food poisoning, hygiene ratings for every place that you go, Reddit reviews, asking questions when someone says they have a stomach ache, asking too many questions essentially when someone has a stomach ache, things like that. little controlling behaviors where you try and feel like you have a form of control over the outcome of a situation by gaining knowledge. Ultimately, if my friend has a stomach ache and they say they have a stomach ache and I ask 500 questions about that stomach ache, does that change the nature of their stomach ache and the end result of whether they will or will not throw up from that stomach ache? No, it doesn't. So, what am I trying to get there? I'm trying to comfort myself by asking enough questions that I can get to a point where I have reason to feel safe that the stomach ache is caused by something that is not contagious. Maybe they ate a bad combo of food. Maybe they get stomach aches all the time. Maybe they haven't [ __ ] in 3 days. Maybe there could be a whole host of reasons and I'm going to [ __ ] get to the bottom of it. But will it change the outcome? No.

[00:20:38]Am I realistically going to kiss or make out with or have sex with this friend of mine in the next hour? No. So, unless there's a real need to know why her stomach hurts, like I can realistically greatly decrease my chance of getting sick from my friend should she be contagious, then there is no need to ask those [ __ ] questions. So like there's there's times when it is necessary to ask people questions that are a bit invasive to try and decide like what's going on. Most of the time with me and with dysphobia and it's not that it's not that I'm not asking because there is any change to anyone's near future. I'm just trying to gain control.

[00:21:22]And I have been calling it comfort, but comfort for me came through a false sense of control rather than surrendering to the undeniable ambiguity that is that stomach ache could be anything. The other part of that is that I had kind of allowed myself to do that for years because I was like, well, it makes me more comfortable in the moment.

[00:21:42]Like it makes me comfort comforted in the moment. And my life just used to be so exhausting from this fear of sick that like I needed to be comforted in the moment because [ __ ] hell just give me anything. As much as something like asking a million questions or googling something or doing any OCD ritual can give you some reassurance or comfort in the moment. It only reinforces the system in your brain that's going to make you uncomfortable 100 more times in the future. And so it just gets to a point in life where you have to be willing to take temporary discomfort to create a more comfortable life for yourself in the long term rather than consistently heeding to small comforts in the moment that end up just derailing your life long term. The first time I did this was when I decided to go back to school and I was like 16.

[00:22:33]I was like, "Okay, this is going to suck. I'm going to be terrified every day and I'm gonna have an awful year and I'm going to do it anyway because I need my education and I know it's going to get easier and I have to start exposing myself to things outside of my bedroom to eventually become more comfortable with them. And I did and I'm grateful that I did change my life. And now I've reached that point again where after I started to go outside and go back to school and live my life, I developed a lot of OCD behaviors, rituals, comfort seeeking behaviors because at the time I [ __ ] deserved them. Actually, I deserved a big slice of cake, if you will. Like, okay, you do what you got to do because you're new here and you need comfort and that's fair, but we're like 10 years down the line now and I don't want to live like this anymore. And so these things that give me comfort only reinforce a system in my head that I don't want there anymore. So how can I justify doing them? So one of the ways that I got to practice this little new thinking system was I had an interesting experience like last month where I was doing glam getting ready to go. Why is my voice doing this? I was getting ready to go to a fashion show and I had my makeup artist and my hair stylist getting me ready. And then as we finish getting ready, like my outfit's on, my face is beat, my hair is styled, my makeup artist was like, "I'm so sorry.

[00:24:09]I'm going to have to go and throw up."

[00:24:11]And I was like, and then she did that.

[00:24:14]And I was like, "Oh my god." Like, "This is I've never really I've never really been in that predicament before." I've had makeup artists start to do my makeup and then mention as they're doing my makeup that they've been throwing up all night, but I've never had what I had the other month where they actively got sick as they're doing my makeup. So, I was like, "Okay." So, then I was like, "All right, well, okay. Look, they've been touching my face and my mouth, my eyes for the last 2 hours non-stop. And I know enough about contagious illnesses from all my many years of having OCD to know that if they just threw up from something that is contagious, there's a pretty decent chance that I might have been infected with that now. And I was like, okay, what am I going to do? What is Madlin going to do? because I don't know. So, I was like, "Okay, well, [ __ ] Fuck." I had to go to the show. And if I saw you at that show, I can't say which show it is cuz I don't want the makeup artist to like feel uncomfortable for anyone to like figure out who I was working with cuz was so not their fault.

[00:25:23]And I adore this makeup artist and I will work with them again in the future.

[00:25:27]Like, it was no problem. You can't control when things like that happen. I just am crazy. So, it's not like I'm not like upset that it happened. I'm actually very grateful that it happened.

[00:25:36]Anyway, so I go to the show. I kind of sit there the whole time with like a thousand yard stare on my face and I'm like like I'm gonna I don't know what I'm going to do. I don't know what I should do for the next three days of my life. So then I got home and I was like okay what I wanted to do is message the makeup artist few hours down the line and be like hey are you okay? Have you stopped throwing up? Essentially was my question like are you really sick?

[00:26:03]Basically, the reason I wasn't in complete meltdown is because they mentioned something else that it might have been that wasn't contagious. And I was like, "Okay, there's no real way that they can know why they've just thrown up." So, I got home and I wanted to message them, but I also wanted to try and not seek assurance and let myself sit with the possibility that I might get sick because I think that that would do me good to just sit with because ultimately even they won't know why they've just gotten sick. And I don't want to be invasive and ask them.

[00:26:39]And I don't want to give myself false comfort and a false sense of control for something that ultimately I may have no control over. So I made the decision that I wouldn't message them until the incubation period for the virus that it could be was over. So essentially 48 hours if you've been exposed to a stomach bug, 48 to 72 hours, that's 2 to 3 days is the incubation period.

[00:27:02]Therefore, if you've been infected, you will get sick within that window. So I was like, okay, that's how long I'm not going to leave my house, but that's also how long I will not check in on them because I know why I'm checking in if I check in within this window. So, I didn't and I sat in my [ __ ] house and rocked back and forth more or less. And then at the end of that time, I did message them. I just wanted to make sure they were good, like actually. And I could do that after the time frame was over because the true reason that I was messaging them was to check that they were good and not to check that they were good so that I could find out the cause of their illness because by this point in time, I already knew they hadn't given me anything. Therefore, I wasn't seeking reassurance by messaging them. So, I only let myself message them once I knew that I wouldn't gain any comfort or any terror from whatever they respond with. And I was so proud of myself for doing that, for not looking for a a fallacy of control. And it really helped settle me down and prove again to myself, you can deal with discomfort. And the more that I prove that to myself, the more comfortable I become in my body because because yeah, because I prove to myself like it's okay. Like a lot of the time the scariest thing about scary things is fear. That's all that you're really scared of. And the nice thing about fear is it comes from you. And a lot of the times it's valid, but it still comes from you. And so there's ways to quell it. And there's ways to make it worse.

[00:28:33]And one of the ways, one of the best ways to make fear worse is to sink into it, like to become unreasonable, to become frantic. Like you see, like you know when someone's afraid and then they start screaming and then you just see them lose their head. It's like if they hadn't let themselves scream, they wouldn't have lost their head in the same way. It's like you it's such a self-perpetuating thing. Anyway, kind of getting off topic. So, I realized how big of a difference there was in how I act about my phobia when I'm allowing myself to seek comfort through means of controlling the narrative, like knowing so much about why someone has a stomach ache, knowing so much about why someone threw up, trying to prove to myself that my risk is high versus low. Once I just let go of that and just surrender to the fact that I cannot control the outcome.

[00:29:29]If the thing has already happened, any information I attempt to seek after that point is feeding something that I should be starving. Seeking information prior to something is different. Like I was in Bali, I would Google things about the water. For example, like can I drink Bali tap water? No, I already knew that.

[00:29:50]But like there was this one day where we were going to this waterfall and I was like it was like spraying in our eyes and our mouth. So I really wanted to Google like can is this fine cuz I know the tap water is not fine to like have in go in your mouth or like swallow a lot of but what about the waterfall? And I was like I know this is probably a stupid question cuz it's completely different water sources but like I don't know I just OCD I want to make sure. But I had no phone connection. So I then I had to make the decision like do I want to go in the waterfall and have fun because everyone else is doing it and I've never seen a waterfall before really and I just don't want to miss out on this and other people are in there and other tourists are in there and our guides that are local aren't saying anything about not about being careful.

[00:30:31]You know what I mean? Like I think I can go in the waterfall or do I want to be afraid and since I can't get a conclusive answer and I don't want to get sick, I won't go in the waterfall.

[00:30:39]That's the kind of situation where I would have preferred to have Googled it before because I actually just like anyone else don't want to get sick. Like I do want to protect my health like in a normal way as well as in a crazy way.

[00:30:51]But I couldn't Google it. So I went in the waterfall anyway because no, I didn't want to miss out and I took the context clues that everyone else was [ __ ] doing it. So I went in and I was fine. But it's important for me to differentiate like when are you just trying to control something that can't be controlled? Anyway, when I understood, oh, there is a big aspect of control in this phobia for me, it was at that point that I was like, well, let me look at the rest of my life and see if this is a thread because it doesn't make a lot of sense that I would have this big life controlling phobia, one of the biggest defining things of my life so far, and that it's just this isolated incident of, oh, I only care about control here and nowhere else. And I was like, well, if I'm a control freak, I should know it. I should know about that probably because that's like a big thing. It's a big problem. It would affect everything I do surely if I'm a control freak. So, I started trying to figure it out. So, then I started thinking about how my own sense of competency is so important to me and I think I think I can link it to actually being more about control. Let me explain. Okay. So, I think competency is necessary to survival for everyone at a baseline level. You need to know who's around you. You need to understand if they're safe. You need to have a sound understanding of their intentions. You need to be competent in who's around you, right? But I kind of that's not the baseline level that will make me feel safe particularly. And in moments where my competency or my discernment has lacked that those experiences shatter my [ __ ] world and I kind of don't actually think that it's normal when I am proven to be wrong about someone like they show colors I didn't know they had.

[00:32:41]They say something I thought that they wouldn't ever say or do something I thought they wouldn't ever do. I feel blind. I feel clueless. I feel completely unsafe and my trust with myself is ruptured. My trust with them is ruptured, too. But I've never been someone who particularly relies on my relationships with other people that much. I love other people. I value them.

[00:33:03]I want them around me. I want them to be happy and healthy and in my life. But when I lose people, I miss them. Like I do I I am attached to people and I love people. But it's never the losing of someone, the actual act of them not being in my life anymore that is so painful for me. I'm quite good at letting people go. I think I like I feel like I have a healthy amount of loving and missing them, but I I'm good at letting people leave, I think. But if my trust is ruptured with them because they do or say something that I didn't think that they would or could do it, the more painful rupture of trust is the one with myself more so than it is with them.

[00:33:44]Like I can easily accept that I don't trust them anymore and it might hurt and it might suck, but I can accept it. What I really struggle with though is like accepting that I don't now trust myself to choose or to know people in the right way. And it sucks because I actually I think it's really normal for people to become someone that you didn't know them as before because people change and people have moments of weakness where they say [ __ ] they shouldn't [ __ ] say. They do something they shouldn't [ __ ] do. And I just I don't think that that's something that should be able to rupture my relationship to myself so much. I wish it would just rupture my relationship to them for me to be like, "Oh, you did this thing.

[00:34:26]Didn't expect it. I don't trust you because you are not trustworthy. But as much as that does happen, it's more so that I also don't think I'm trustworthy and I don't feel safe again because I think something is like wrong with my detection software in those moments and I can't trust myself to know who's around me or to choose correctly and who is around me. And so I shut off until I feel safe again. I literally was talking about this in my last episode. I put myself in like a dungeon and I'm like, "You stay down there with no friends and no one to love you and no one for you to love until you figure out whatever it was you [ __ ] up about last time.

[00:35:04]Whatever you didn't see in that person.

[00:35:05]I don't know. Figure it out. [ __ ] get some new detection software installed and then I will let you out of the dungeon." I've been thinking about this a lot because I'm in a phase like that right now in my life. probably the worst I've ever been in because it's not the worst I've ever been in, but the most deeply like sickening version of this phase I've ever been in where I'm like I don't feel safe around anyone. I don't feel safe that I know how to choose or see people around me properly.

[00:35:36]Therefore, I genuinely don't truly enjoy anyone's company because I don't trust you. From my gut, I don't trust you. And it sucks because I know that there's people around me who are worthy of trust, but I don't trust myself to select them. And so, it's just this very strange period of my life that I'm in.

[00:35:58]It's a really weird place to be at. And it was the main thing that I was talking I think I said last week I did like a consult with a therapist and I had said to her like some stuff and and she was like it sounds like you're really trying to not shut off again but you low key feel like you have the grounds to do that and so you're just forcing yourself not to but it like you're teetering on the edge of the the shutting off. And I was like, "Yeah, like I want to go to the dungeon." Like I want to go put myself in the dungeon and not even yell at myself this time and be like, "You could you you made another mistake in who you had around you and you didn't see clearly. Instead, I just want to go to the dungeon and be like, I'm just going to [ __ ] stay down here because at least there's no one else around."

[00:36:45]Like, I do want to lock myself away and just be like, "At least I am [ __ ] safe here. Yes, I'm lonely and I'm miserable, but I'm safe." And I'm really, really, really trying not to do that because it's not the way I want to live. I don't want to live my life as someone who like allows things to be such big rifts and interruptions in life. Like I I want to be able to like [ __ ] up and then keep living. Like I want to not have to retreat every time I make a mistake. I want to be able to still hold myself as as trustworthy even if I am not always a genius, you know, and been rubbing my lip gloss on the inside of my god. I'm rubbing my lip gloss on the inside of my shirt. Sorry if you can see it. Anyway, anyway, I just I just basically don't want to go back to the dungeon. I really don't. I'm trying so hard to like stay open to love and life and friendship and stay on the surface of the earth rather than the dungeon. But it's hard because I'm forcing myself to stay up here. I'm forcing myself to stay open. But my like actually I don't feel open. I don't feel excited to meet people. I don't feel happy or safe around anyone really other than like my family. It's just it's just weird. It's a weird phase to be in and I am forcing myself to exist through it fully and I don't know reforming that all as a continuation of my seemingly expansive issue with control is really insightful for me because I never made that connection before and I actually thought my responses to the moments where I would misjudge someone or make an error in my life in general were quite smart because I thought they were quite valid. So I was like, "No, yeah, you go in the dungeon, stupid bitch."

[00:38:40]Like, "Yeah, where you [ __ ] belong."

[00:38:43]But like I I also started thinking about this whole dungeon thing as like do I [ __ ] hate myself and want to punish myself when I [ __ ] up and think that like you go in the dungeon till you [ __ ] learn. Stupid. Like, is that what I'm saying to myself? Because it feels like that sometimes. Or do I actually really love myself and I want to protect myself, but I don't know how.

[00:39:05]And so, I go to the dungeon or I send myself to the dungeon as a pathetic attempt to protect myself when I feel like I don't have any other means to because I think I'm blind and stupid.

[00:39:16]I'm like, which one is it? And can it maybe just be both? I don't know. Do I love myself a lot? Do I hate myself?

[00:39:22]Maybe both. Anyway, it was helpful for me to see the aspect of control regardless of what the answer is. Is if is it hate? Is it love? I don't know. Is it control? 100%. Because when I feel like I have no control in my own life, then then I go somewhere where control is not really necessary because no one can Well, control is necessary because I'm in the dungeon, but like no one needs me to make a decision. No one needs me to be smart. No one needs me to see anything. No one needs me to do anything. I just get to be by myself and and not deal with the fact that I ultimately have no control over who other people are and cannot always know who other people are. And I I wrote this. I think it maybe sums it up better than I can right now. It says, "It's helpful for me to see the aspect of control in it because it helps me understand myself deeper. Perhaps I don't want to punish myself at all and actually feel extremely threatened when control I thought I had is stripped from me. I think that's probably quite normal, but it also lets me know that the dungeon is never the answer because I will never have control in the way I might unknowingly be seeking it. People will always be complex and able to surprise you through that complexity.

[00:40:30]There is no amount of knowing another person that will ensure they cannot still surprise you because there is not even an amount of knowing myself yet that has rendered me unable to surprise myself. So, how can I possibly shun myself when someone else surprises me and I'm not a genius to see every small piece of everyone's character so that they can never surprise me and I can never be caught off guard by someone when I catch myself off guard all the time. I'm 25 and I didn't even know I had a [ __ ] problem with control until this week and I know myself deeper than anyone else on earth and I still surprise myself. How? What am I expecting of myself? And why am I punishing myself? What am I expecting of myself to genuinely want to know people to a point at which they are unable to really shock me when I shock myself and I am also not perfect and sometimes I do things that are also out of my character. I need to make peace with the fact that sometimes part of life is its unpredictability.

[00:41:36]That's just part of life. And you can't put yourself in a dungeon as protection or as punishment every single time. You couldn't accurately predict what was going to happen next because that's insane. It's insane that that's how I was living. Now that I'm thinking about it, I'm like, that makes no [ __ ] sense. Hey, that makes no sense.

[00:41:58]Anyway, but I want to circle back on I don't think I've ever wished to control who someone is or what they do because when people do things that are unexpected, what bothers me is that I didn't see it coming, not so much the fact that they did that thing. I I don't know how to properly explain that, but essentially when I first started thinking about, oh my, do I have this issue with control? I was actually a bit annoyed because I was like I actually feel like within my closest relationships the amount of freedom that I allow people has been something I've noticed about myself as a strength and I will say that with my chest. I actually think one of my strengths is allowing people to be and not controlling them and not needing to control them. I think I can make peace with being misinterpreted because I know who I am and so it might shake me for a second. and I'm like, "What the fuck?" But I I figure it out.

[00:42:59]And I think that's a strength with my close relationships. Whereas should I for a second have any lapse in my own abilities, dungeon, I go in the dungeon.

[00:43:10]And so that then made sense to me is when my control around my fear of vomiting exclusively centers around my own body and the things I experience within my body because I'm also not really worried about like people seeing me throw up. That's not really part of my phobia. For me, it's literally the throwing up itself that scares me. So, the control there is all trying to control my meat cage. That's the only thing the control really centers around.

[00:43:40]So, then it made more sense that the thread of control in my life is always internal and almost never external. I don't think I really feel the need to control anything around me that's external except for my like immediate environment. But I think that that's quite normal. Like that's why I hadn't clocked it sooner is because I think I'm I I reckon I'm just quite I reckoned I was quite chill. Turns out I'm not.

[00:44:04]Turns out I'm not. But I think like I was I wrote this. It makes more sense than anything I've just said. I said I was only truly comfortable with someone's uncontrollable view and behavior once I was assured that my self-perception was accurate, but was comfortable with their perception being inaccurate, even when that inaccuracy felt extremely unfair. Like, I'm just quite content with letting people have their own experiences, and if it results in poor behavior toward me, I'm just kind of going to [ __ ] leave you alone because have your experience. you're welcome to it, but don't inflict it upon me in a nasty way if you're going to be, you know what I mean? And so, I was almost offended when I've realized, oh my god, I do have a control issue with the vomiting thing. And so, maybe it's in other areas of my life. And then I was like, no, it can't be. It actually can't. Like, that's insane. And then I realized I'm trying to control this [ __ ] like violently trying to control this [ __ ] My control is very self-centered is what I'm trying to say.

[00:45:04]And yeah, I think that's why I thought I didn't have a control problem, but turns out, boy, do I. Boy, do I. Yeah, definely do. Defo do. Interesting.

[00:45:15]Very interesting. I'm going to do some more thinking on this and I'll get back to you. Also, can someone do me a big favor? I feel like you guys are lowkey the right people to ask. I looked on A3 for Harland and Bellingham smut last night. Couldn't find any. So, if we have any aspiring authors watching, please, please, please, please, please. Or if you guys have any recommendations for something similar, I'd be interested to hear it. Trying to jump start my libido.

[00:45:46]Right, I'm going to wrap this podcast up. I've quite liked being in this studio. I can't lie. Let me Okay, texted someone from Unwell that I am about to shut the [ __ ] up so they can come back.

[00:45:58]Oh my god, I just got a notification that my clothes delivery has been delivered. Oh my god, I'm so excited. I went crazy the other night and spent I'm not going to tell you how much money I spent on clothes. I never buy clothes.

[00:46:11]Never. But I was like, "Oh my god, it's so [ __ ] hot. I actually need summer clothes. Like, I need to have a summer wardrobe cuz I have nothing." And also, I just hate all my clothes. Hate them.

[00:46:19]Hate them. Hate them. Hate them. And I haven't bought new clothes in long. And I just got rid of like so many of my clothes. You guys will see that soon.

[00:46:26]Anyway, love you. Thanks for watching this week's episode of Pretty Lonesome.

[00:46:29]I'll see you next week. Probably different place, but maybe same time.

[00:46:33]Who knows? Who knows? Maybe in the sand pit. Okay. Well, I love you. I see you soon. Bye.